


Back To You

by always_writer_m



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Burzek, Chicago PD - Freeform, Episode s05e10, F/M, Linstead, New York City, Rabbit Hole, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 223,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24395188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/always_writer_m/pseuds/always_writer_m
Summary: "You can break my heart in two, but when it heals it beats for you."Jay has finally reached his breaking point. Unable to figure out what his life has become, he seeks out the one person who has the ability to help him piece it together. Because despite everything Erin Lindsay has done to him, he will always go back to her in the end. Inspired by Selena Gomez's "Back to You." Linstead post 5x10.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Erin Lindsay
Comments: 18
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

One. 

Hours later, the words still tasted like vomit. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Once upon a time, those words meant something to Jay Halstead and he used the phrase sparingly. When he told someone he loved them, he wanted to make sure there was no doubt in the other’s mind that what he was saying, he meant whole heartedly. This conviction was so strong that only three people had ever heard those words spill from his mouth: his mother, his first love, and his last. 

Correction, four people had ever been the recipient of those words; only with three did he actually mean them. 

The thought was enough to send the bottle of alcohol in his hand hurtling at the wall, the glass shattering into a million pieces upon impact. As Jay watched the liquid track foam filled lines down the walls to his new apartment—one that he had been extremely reluctant to buy—a feeling a pure helplessness embraced him. 

“Now your word doesn’t mean too much, does it?” Voight had asked him not even thirty minutes earlier after Jay called him out for looking for drugs in his apartment. At the time, all he had felt was anger. Who did his boss think he was? Why would he ever think that Jay would fall so far down a hole that he would resort to drugs? Jay was not…well, that much should have been clear. 

But now, as he watched the beer drip into a puddle on the hardwood floors, Jay painstakingly realized that his boss was right. His words meant nothing, not anymore, because he was so far gone and he was just now realizing it. 

“I love you,” he had said to Camilla, his hand firmly grasping her cheek. “I know I didn’t say it before, but it’s true.”

What he told her was the farthest thing from the truth and saying that should have jolted him into realizing the mess that he had made of his life over the past three months. 87 days to be exact, but who’s counting, right?

It was a harsh reality check that it was Hank Voight who made him see the chaotic state that had completely enveloped him. With a scoff, Jay actually found it almost poetic; the man who he always had to bring back to reality and stop from going too far into the deep end to the point of no return was now the man saving him from the same fate. 

“You dug a hell of a hole, I just hope there’s a way out,” Hank had said before leaving Jay to…to what? His thoughts? Fuck that, fuck all of this. 

Unadulterated rage began boiling underneath the helpless Jay felt and there was nothing that he could to do stop it from boiling up throughout his entire body.

All he saw was red as he began grasping blindly at whatever objects were in his near vicinity. The second his hand clasped around something solid and moveable, he was sending it hurtling towards the same wall that he had sent the beer bottle. The first thing that went was some stupid fake plant Hailey had given him as a housewarming gift. The second was his undercover phone. The third thing was a picture of him and Mouse back when they were still young and unaware of the true horrors of the war they were in. The fourth thing was another picture, this time one of the original unit before it was blown to pieces. The fifth, sixth, and seventh things were chucked in such rage Jay did not even recognize what they were as he pelted them at the wall.

He was using a strength that he very rarely ever tapped into; even more rare than his allowance of those three words to fall from his mouth. Only twice in his life did he display the full extent of it; when he and his unit finally found the hajis that captured and tortured Hollingsworth and when his father muttered “good riddance” moments after his mother succumbed to cancer. 

The eighth, ninth, and tenth objects seemed to fly faster than the speed of light at the wall and, if Jay had any grasp over his own mind, he would realize that he was starting to put dents and punctures into his walls. 

He awareness was peaked at the twelfth object—one of Nadia’s criminology textbooks that he had helped her pay for and now kept as his own personal remembrance of the young girl—and he faltered completely when his hands took hold of the thirteenth object.

It was a picture of him and his mom at his high school graduation. Two days before he would enlist and one of the last good memories they had together while she was still completely healthy, the picture captured the pure beauty that was his mother. While he was staring at the camera, a wide smile on his face as he held his diploma in his hands, Katherine Halstead was staring up at her son, her green eyes filled with such joy and pride at her youngest son’s accomplishment. Her hair was still long and dark brown and the pink dress she was wearing complimented her pale complexion and the navy blue robe Jay was wearing perfectly.

All of the anger that previously enveloped Jay’s entire body left at the sight of his mother beaming up at his high school self and was quickly replaced with shame. 

If only she could see her little boy now. All torn up over a girl who left him with nothing but a broken heart. 

No, not a girl; a woman, the woman. The woman who he wanted—no wants—to spend the rest of his life with.

With an intense squint of his eyes, Jay could just make out the ring that he planned to give her and all he could think of in that moment was how good it would have looked on her left ring finger. 

The thought was enough to send him sinking down onto the floor where he stood, the fight completely gone from his body. 

Erin Lindsay had left him a broken man and all he wanted was for her to be here and help him pick up the pieces and help him attempt to piece them back together. It was a hopeless want because she was in New York and he was left in Chicago and there had not been a word uttered between the two since that day in the parking lot when she placed her hand on his chest and walked away, leaving him standing there with a ring in his front pocket. He will forever curse the part of his mind that told him not to propose to her as she was walking away because, no matter how simple she was, she deserved better than a random parking lot proposal. Though, he supposed later when she didn’t show or return his calls, that a proposal in front of everyone at Molly’s was not the right way to ask one of life’s most important questions either. 

Jay lost count of how long he sat on the floor, staring blankly at the mess he had made. Glass, ceramic, and pieces of wooden frames were the more noticeable objects sitting in the puddle of beer that had collected in the space where the floor and wall connected. The remainder of the debris was hidden under Nadia’s thick textbook. 

“You dug a hell of a hole, I just hope there’s a way out.” 

Voight’s words began playing on repeat in his mind, each time louder than before until Jay felt that the only thing he could do was bring his hands up to his ears and clench his eyes shut. 

“Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!” He yelled to the image of Voight that his mind was projecting. It was a futile effort as the words did not stop repeating in his mind, not even faltering when a sharp knock rang throughout his apartment. 

“Jay? Jay, you alright in there man?” A voice called out and it took Jay a second to recognize it as his next door neighbor, a middle-aged divorced man who had a new woman come to his room every Friday night.

“Yeah Ty, I’m all good. Sorry for bothering you!” Jay called out, thanking every God he could think of that his voice came off as normal and not weak and lost like he felt. 

“You sure man?” Tyler shouted through the wooden door. 

“Yeah, all good.” Except it was not all good and he was just telling more lies. When had the words that came from his mouth begun to be nothing but lies? 

When he told Erin “I don’t know” before leaving her standing there alone in their apartment, a voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother’s softly informed him. 

Jay’s heart clenched and his eyes tightened once more as Tyler’s voice cut over the one only he could hear, telling him that to have a good night and if he needed help he only needed to give a shout. Because the shouts he had been screaming for God knows how long as he trashed his apartment where not telling enough, Jay thought with a hint of annoyance. An annoyance that dissipated as quickly as it came—was that his cry for help? Had it gone unanswered? 

As he listened to Tyler make his way across the hall and into his own apartment, for the first time since Erin left, Jay felt completely and utterly alone. Who was there to answer his cries for help? 

Will is still only semi-reliable. Adam and Kevin…who knows where they are at. Kim has too many relationship problems of her own to deal with. Voight…well…maybe Voight’s latest house call was an attempt to help, but in the end, it caused more harm than it did good. Platt only semi-tolerated him and that was because of Erin. Antonio was too wrapped up with his family—not that Jay could blame him. And Hailey, well, he didn’t know what to make of her. Too many times did he feel like she was trying to be Erin and she just wasn’t. No one could be Erin, especially the Erin that he knew, the Erin that left. 

That’s what it always came back to: Erin left. She left him and he still did not know why. It had been one of the only questions in his career as a detective that he had not been able to find an answer to. 

Sure, he had royally fucked things up when he left her alone in their bedroom after he came back from meeting Abby for drinks, telling her that he was going to live with Will because he didn’t know if she could handle his problems. She claimed she did but if only she knew just how bad the nightmares could get. He will forever stand by his decision of removing himself from their home to protect her. 

But, despite that clusterfuck (because what else could he really call it?), he thought things had been improving between them those final weeks leading up to her departure. They were beginning to fall back into their usual routines that consisted of dumb jokes and the absolute certainty of the other’s intentions both on the job and off. When she mourned the fourteen year old boy whose life she had ended, she confided in him rather than just shrugging him off saying she was fine. She went to him for support when Bunny showed up yet again and left her once more with mix signals and false hope. Jay was so convinced that their relationship was getting back on the right track that he retrieved his mother’s ring from her private safe, the one with the contents his dad had absolutely no control over. 

And then she vanished into thin air, quicker than the release of a bullet from a gun. 

Jay knew that Voight had something to do with it, he had been too calm when news travelled that Erin did not show up to receive the verdict of her disciplinary hearing and too quiet when the questions began flowing from not just Jay, but everyone else in the Unit who considered her to be a part of their family. 

Except, she didn’t vanish completely and that thought has Jay reaching for his cell phone—the one he didn’t mercilessly throw at the wall—and dial the only number he currently knew by heart. 

Over the course of the past 87 days, Jay was slowly clued into the fact that Kim, Al, and obviously Hank were in contact with Erin. Each would make small comments in front of him about how she was safe and…happy. With each comment, all Jay could think was that it was not fair she got to be happy while he was doing everything he possibly could to stay above water and not drown in the mixture that was his PTSD and heartbreak. The only person who ever could pull him completely above water was happy in New York without him and that thought felt like an anchor strapped to each of his limbs. 

Staring down at the number he dialed, Jay couldn’t help but wonder if it was even worth pressing the call button. She had never accepted one of his calls before, why would she start now? Just because he needed her, it doesn’t mean she wants anything more to do with him. 

“You dug a hell of a hole, I just hope there’s a way out.” 

The words rang out in his mind once more and for the first time in 87 days, Jay felt a small piece of his mind clear. There was a way out, the number in front of him told him that much was clear. Even after everything she put him through these past 87 days, Erin was his way out, his only way out. And he’d be damned if didn’t make somewhat of an effort to save himself. Tossing his phone to the other side of the couch and watching it land in the very same spot they participated in something that was much more than just sex, Jay got up and bypassed the mess the was still on the floor as he made his way to his bedroom. Grabbing the first bag he could find, he dug around his drawers and haphazardly tossed the articles of clothing he found into his army backpack. Satisfied with his clothing selections and the amount of them, he quickly packed up the necessary toiletries before making his way back to the couch. 

Sending up a quick prayer of thanks that it was his undercover phone he decided to break and not his personal one, he punched in a destination in the Uber app before making his way downstairs to wait outside in the cold, the mess he made completely forgotten.


	2. Chapter 2

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to John F. Kennedy International Airport. Local time is 11:15 P.M. and the temperature is 54 degrees. For your safety and comfort, please remain seated with you seat belt fastened until the captain turns off the fasten seat belt sign…”

Jay spaced out as the flight attendant’s overly perky voice spewed out the required instructions. He was in New York. It was a thought that he could barely wrap his head around, seeing as his actions since he left his apartment were all such a blur. Vaguely, Jay remembers climbing into his Uber and instead of making small talk with his driver like he normally would, he punched in his credit card information on the first flight that he could find that would get him to New York that night. By sheer luck, there was a seat available on a flight that was scheduled to leave within the hour and an absolute miracle he managed to get on it just in the nick of time. As he reached into his pocket for his phone, Jay was also reminded of the two quick texts that he sent just as the plane was turning onto the runway.

The first was to Voight informing him that he would need the week off. Jay did not know how this impromptu trip would pan out and he wanted to make sure he had enough time to either enjoy it while he could or to drown out his sorrows and mourn the loss of whatever it was he was hoping to find in the city that never sleeps. The second text he had sent to Hailey. Despite whatever hostile feelings he was currently harboring towards her—unfounded or not—Hailey was still his partner and it would not be fair to her for him to vanish for a week without a word. Plus, Jay remembers all too well the pain that he felt when Erin had left him high and dry, not once but twice.

Turning on his phone, he was only slightly surprised to see a flood of texts comes in. One from Voight, five from Hailey, and a text each from Antonio, Adam, Kevin, and Kim. Jay only had time to read Voight’s reply (“Do what you have to do and come back ready to work with your head on straight”) before the plane’s captain gave his passengers the okay to exit the plane. With his seat being in the last row, Jay impatiently waited until he had the mobility to begin moving forward up the aisle. For a city that was also so busy and fast-moving, its impending visitors were moving at an exceptionally slow pace, he thought. Standing up so that he would be ready to go when it was his row’s turn to depart, Jay once again pulled out his phone to read the rest of his unread messages, noticing with a heavy sigh and a low groan that three more texts had come through from Hailey, Adam, and Will.

 **Hailey** : A week off? Why?  
 **Hailey** : Meet for drinks and talk?  
 **Hailey** : ???  
 **Hailey** : Sorry for all of the questions. You’re starting to freak me out…why aren’t you responding? Are you okay?  
 **Hailey** : Okay, what’s the deal? Are you mad at me or something?  
 **Hailey** : Look, I get the message, you don’t want to talk. Just please give me some indication that you are okay and I will leave you alone. The team and I are really worried about you.

Feeling both a little guilty for the obvious stress he was causing his partner and touched that she was so worried about him and his wellbeing, Jay quickly responded to Hailey before acknowledging the rest of the messages.

_Sorry for not responding sooner, my phone was off. I’m fine. Just need to clear my head and going off the grid for a bit to do so. See you next week._

Her response was almost immediate.

 **Hailey** : You really had me worried. I was seconds away from driving over to your place to make sure you weren’t dead or something. Always here if you want to talk.  
 **Hailey** : Or if you want company wherever you are.

Jay’s eyes widened at the boldness of what he felt she was implying but chose to ignore both her replies and move on to the rest of the team.

 **Adam** : Hey man, heard you’re taking the week off. Good…you need it. Here if you need me.  
 **Adam** : You might want to think about responding to Hailey she’s freaking out

The rest of his team had sent him similar messages and Jay quickly sent over the same response to all of them: Thanks for reaching out, I appreciate it.. See you in a week. Moving onto his brother—who, yes, he should have told him that he was taking off for a bit—Jay couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the bluntness of Will’s text.

_**Where the hell are you?** _

_New York. Don’t tell anyone. I mean it._

Like Hailey, Will’s response was immediate.

_**Are you serious?** _

_Yes_

**_Dude, she left you…move on!_ **

Jay’s grip tightened around his phone in annoyance at his brother’s lack of understanding, though in all honesty, he shouldn’t have been too surprised. When had Will ever really been able to support him in anything of importance?

_You’re one to talk about moving on._   
_Look, just don’t tell anyone I’m here. See you in a week._

_**I won’t tell. But did you even think this out? You don’t even know where she lives.** _

An overwhelming feeling of panic began rising in Jay as he read the text from his brother. No, he did not think this through and no, he had absolutely no fucking clue where Erin lived. Once he got off this plane, he was all alone in one of the most congested cities in the country with nowhere really to go. It was a cruel trick of fate that the line of people exiting the plane really began to move at this thought, leaving Jay with no choice but to move forward.

To keep his anxiety at bay until he at least got off the plane, Jay focused very intently at the lightly swaying ponytail of the teenaged girl in front of him. Left, right, left right. The movements of the girl’s naturally curly red hair was consistent enough that he was able to match his foot falls to it. Left, right, left right, he repeated in his mind to make sure that he wouldn’t fall off beat. He was halfway down the aisle when the reality of his actions hit him and it took all of his concentration to keep the rising images that were coming to mind at bay.

The last time he had to walk like this was when he returned home from his second tour. Dressed in his fatigues, with Mouse’s hand clutching his shoulder like it was a lifeline, Jay had to mimic his footfalls in tune with a girl’s ponytail. Except, that girl was not a red haired teenager, it was a small, blonde haired little girl no more than six who’s innocence and naivety was still completely in tack. How he wished in that moment that he could have been that little girl.

“Hey man, keep it moving!” A gruff voice snapped Jay back to reality. Unaware of when he had completely stopped walking, Jay mumbled an apologize and quickly made his way forward to close the gap that had formed between him and the red haired girl. Less than fifty steps later, Jay was fulfilling the common courtesy of thanking the pilot and then left to his own devices in the tunnel that would bring him to the airport’s terminal. The red haired girl had sprinted ahead to catch up to her mother who had been seated several rows ahead of her.

‘This is crazy. What were you thinking?’ Jay thought as he sluggishly trudged forward, the open door at the end of the tunnel mocking him. Once he walked through that door, the bubble protecting the images he had conjured in his apartment and throughout his journey to New York would be popped. Erin did not know he was coming. She mostly likely did not want to see him, let alone talk to him. She had left with no intentions of turning back and made it quite clear that she did not want any parts of her past and present to follow her. The 87 days of silence had told him that.

So, why did he think getting on a flight to New York would change that?

‘Because,’ a small voice chimed in his mind just as he stepped one foot over the threshold of the terminal. ‘She tried to leave you behind once before but came back in the end.’

A small smile graced Jay’s face at the reminder of when Erin came back from her own personal hellish hole to rescue him from Derek Keyes after she walked away from him and their partnership presumably for good the day before. Maybe Jay would finally tap into that so-called luck that followed the Irish around and history would repeat itself.

Ignoring the flirtatious smiles the flight attendants at the terminal booth sent his way, Jay focused all of his attention on following the signs that would lead him out of the airport. Distracted by thoughts of how he should proceed with his little New York adventure, Jay made a few wrong turns before he found the passenger pick-up area that he wanted to be in. With no one there—or planning to be there—to pick him up, Jay’s eyes quickly for an empty bench that he could sit on to figure out his next move. Maybe luck was on his side tonight, Jay couldn’t help but think as he spotted a seat far away from the congested main area.

Dropping his bag to the ground, Jay slouched down onto the bench and once again, pulled out his phone. This time, there was no messages waiting for him and the longer he stared at the blank black screen, the more clear it became what he had to do.

He would have to call her. And pray like hell that she picked up.

“Easier said than done,” Jay mumbled to himself as, for the second time that night, he dialed Erin’s number. His thumb was shaking as it remained hovered over the call button. This was not like before, when he had the opportunity to toss his phone aside and set out to accomplish some half-concocted plan that really, in retrospect, made no sense and was a fool’s mission.

Yet, he was a fool and now he had to suffer the consequences of his lack of thinking things through…again. Jay cringed as he unwillingly recalled the expression on Camilla’s face when she found out that he was a cop who had lied to her. The recollection of the betrayal in her dark brown eyes was all the motivation he needed to press the call button and bring the phone up to his ears. He would be eternally disgusted with himself for how the whole situation with the Vargas siblings played out and who became as a person as a result.

“Please pick up, please pick up,” Jay murmured desperately with each ring on the other line. He needed Erin to answer; his whole life going forward depended on it.

Two more rings later and the sliver of hope that had entered his body when he first stepped foot in the JFK Airport was beginning to leak out at a fairly rapid pace. Erin hadn’t accepted a single one of his phone calls over the course of the past 87 days, what made him think that tonight would be any different? She didn’t know that he was in New York.

Mind clouded with grief, Jay almost didn’t notice that the ringing had stopped.

“Hello?” The greeting was delivered with an immense uncertainty timidity that Jay did not at all notice.

Unsure if it was the familiar rasp in her voice, or just the sheer fact that she had taken his call, the weight and severity of the life Jay had brought upon himself over the past 87 days came crashing down on him and, tucked away in the corner of the airport, Jay Halstead broke down into tears.

Sobbing over what could have been, what had become, and what potentially was coming, Jay hunched over and used the hand that was not clasping onto his phone like it was a lifeline to cover his eyes. Body shaking with sobs, Jay could not bring himself to say to the now very concerned Erin Lindsay, who was on the other line filled with nothing but concern for her former partner.

//

“Jay? Jay? Are you alright? Jay? Talk to me please!” Erin shouted into the phone, desperate for her voice to reach through to the man on the other line. It was a pure accident that she had answered the call in the first place and now that she had, she wished she didn’t because everything, all of the feelings and good memories, that she was trying to ignore and forget since she left Chicago came flooding back to her. She had made it in New York thus far by only remember the bad, but Jay’s heartbreaking sobs on the other line were quickly knocking down every protective wall that she had set up around herself.

Shaking her head, Erin used every ounce of strength she possessed to push her thoughts to the side and focus solely on the only man—the only person—who had ever taken the time to truly love and cherish her.

“Jay, sshh, sshh,” Erin tried to sooth him. “I need you to calm down and tell me what’s wrong. SShh. It’s okay, I’m here, please talk to me.” She sincerely hoped that he could not hear the desperation in her voice. Never, in the almost five years that she had known Jay Halstead, had Erin witnessed him break down like this. Jay was always the strong one; he is the strongest person that she knows (and that includes Hank Voight). No matter the situation, Jay could always be counted on to be the voice of reason because of his ability to think rationally. He had once told her it was one of the better parting gifts that the Rangers had given him.

To hear him now, sobbing uncontrollably and unconsolably, was bringing tears to her own eyes.

“Jay, babe, where are you?” Erin flinched at the pet name; apparently, old habits die hard. “Jay?”

“Er-Er-Erin?” Jay hiccupped his cries neither getting better or worse.

“Yes. It’s me Erin,” Erin pleaded desperately, wanting more than anything for him to stop so she could forget this image of him ever existed. Once upon a time, she begged for him to open up to her and let her in on his pain and he had walked away, saying that he didn’t know if she could handle it. It was the beginning of their end and one of the final factors that led her to giving up her life in Chicago. If he could see her at her worse, why couldn’t she see the same in him?

Now, each sob that came out of his mouth was a painful reminder that he obviously knew her better than she ever could imagine. Her gut was telling her that she was listening in on him suffering his lowest of lows and her heart was breaking in ways that she never thought it ever could. Hearing his pain…it is almost too much for her to bear listening to.

Erin kept quiet as she listened to him make attempts to get his breathing and cries under control. The whole thing took no more than three minutes, but to Erin, hearing him try and reign in his pain felt like three lifetimes.

“Can you come get me?” He finally managed to say. Could she come get him? How? Eyebrows scrunching together in confusion, Erin hated herself for having to remind him of where she currently was.

“Jay, I-I can’t,” she spoke softly. “I’m in New York.”

“Yeah, I know.” Erin became even more confused and listened to the words that followed a small sniffle. “I’m in New York too. I’m at the airport.”

“What?” He was here? In New York? Thinking she was in a dream, Erin pinched herself and gave her a firm shake.

“I’m at JFK. I’m in New York.” The words were spoken slowly and deliberately, all traces of his breakdown completely gone from his tone. Back was a semblance of the Jay she once knew, the Jay who put his military training to use in high intensity and emotional situations.

“Why?” Erin was so shocked at what she was hearing that she considered it a small miracle she even managed to get the three lettered word out of her mouth.

“I need to see you. Please Er, please can you come get me. Or at least just tell me where you live so that I can come to you.” His desperation was not lost on her and Erin found herself slowly nodding along with his words, unaware in the moment that he could not see her nonverbal consent.

“Erin?” Jay’s voice broke her from the trance she unwillingly slipped into, one that had her recalling one of the three phone calls she had shared with Hank since she left.

“Have you talked to Halstead at all?” His gruff voice had asked her.

“No, why?” She had cautiously responded. The hesitation that preceded her pseudo-father’s response told her that he was lying.

“No reason. Just wondering.”

If Jay’s abrupt breakdown and unexpected arrival in New York was not an indication that Hank was not merely “just wondering” then Erin would quit her job without a second’s thought and join the circus.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Erin muttered to Jay. “Um, I don’t have a car at the moment so I guess I can just text you my address. Is that okay?” She was not sure what she would do if it wasn’t because deep down, she was thankful her car had been totaled during the high speed chase that ended in a shootout last week and was still in the process of being replaced. She was not in the right frame of mind to drive through New York at night to the airport to pick up the only man she had ever truly loved after he had just broken down and sobbed what she believed to be his heart out while on the phone with her. Just the thought of having to do that made her head spin.

“That’s actually perfect,” was Jay’s response. If Erin was not mistaken, she could have sworn he sounded relieved. Maybe she wasn’t the only one who wanted just a little bit more time to prepare themselves to see the other.

“Okay, great, er…” Erin didn’t really know what more to say. Did he want to stay on the phone with her? Was she supposed to just hang up, text him, and then wait?

“I guess I’ll see you soon. I’ll call up an Uber as soon as I get your address. Or maybe I’ll go full tourist and try and flag down a taxi.” Erin couldn’t help but let out a soft-sounding chuckle at his attempts to lighten the mood with a joke. It was a small semblance of what used to be their own personal norm, a semblance that she often found herself missing the most—especially with the cases and loneliness her New York career had presented her with.

“Yeah, uh, yeah. Sounds good. See you soon.” Erin quickly hung up before she fell into the opportunity to sound even more stupid and anxious than she currently felt. She wasted no time in texting him the address to her new place—because it wasn’t quite a home just yet—and then proceeded to call Hank to get some answers. Because, as she was reminded with the memory of their last phone call, he very clearly had them.

“Erin, it’s late. Everything alright?” Hank asked immediately upon answering her call.

“I just got off of the phone with Jay. Hank,” Erin sighed, a feeling of helplessness overwhelming her all of a sudden. “What the hell is going on?” Unlike the immediate response that greeted her, Erin’s question was met with a deafening silence.

“Hank?” Erin repeated his name, hoping to speed up getting an answer out of him. Jay was currently on his way to her apartment and as much as she wanted answers, she also wanted the time to prepare herself for seeing her ex-lover again.

“What did he tell you?” Hank’s words were slow and deliberate, showing that he did not want to say more than he had to.

“He’s in New York, Hank. He’s on his way to see me right now. What the hell is going on?” The full situation must have just hit her because the words came out much louder and harsher than she intended them to. Jay was here, in New York. He was coming to her apartment. He was coming. Fuck. She was not prepared for this at all.

“Aw hell,” Erin heard her former boss mutter. “Look, he needs to tell you himself Erin. But, it got bad here. He crossed one too many lines and fell into a hole that would have rivaled yours after Nadia died.” It was a bold move, for him to mention her deceased friend, but the message had been clear: Jay was in trouble. Again.

“What happened?” Erin forced herself to ask, no longer sure if she wanted to know the answer.

“It’s not your fault,” Hank started, informing Erin that it was very much her fault, or at least, her leaving was a contributing factor because Jay was his own person and a grown man. “But he struggled adapting to you not being here. Got involved with someone while undercover and it didn’t end well at all. He was partying until three in the morning and showing up to work hungover. His mind just wasn’t where it needed to be.” Hank paused, giving Erin a moment to take in the facts of the situation that was currently heading her way. “This is why I am against in-house romances.”

Something snapped in Erin at the condescending tone in his voice, as if he knew Jay would suffer at her hands. Just as she had a pretty rude retort, the words halted on her tongue as she recalled that conversation in Hank’s office all those years ago. The one about her leaving a string of broken hearts wherever she went.

Well, fuck.

Maybe she hadn’t changed as much as she liked to believe she did.

“Look, kid,” Hank continued when he realized she was not going to say anything. “Don’t beat yourself up. Just be there for him now. He pulled you out of your hole and I have no doubt in my mind that you can pull him out of his.” It was a rare moment of compassion from Hank and Erin fully allowed herself to bask in it.

He was right. If nothing else, Erin owed Jay for saving her again and again and again. All feelings aside, she was the only one who would truly be able to help him. She knew that, Hank knew that, and Jay knew that.

The only question was, after everything that went down between them, how would she do it?


	3. Chapter 3

Jay paced back and forth anxiously. It had been almost five minutes since he arrived in front of apartment 116J—Erin’s apartment—and he embarrassingly could not bring himself to announce his arrival. Fear of what he would say, how he would act, what she would say, and how she would act halted his hand from knocking on the cream colored door every time he thought he had finally summoned the courage to do so. 

‘It’s not like you can embarrass yourself anymore tonight,’ Jay thought to himself as he squared up in front of the door once more, right arm raised with his hand clenched in a tightly wound fist. The thought of his breakdown over the phone while he was in the airport was enough to once again freeze his movements. 

What if he had another breakdown? Could he handle it? Could she handle it? Would she be able to see him like that? Would he be able to let her see him like that? 

Did she even want to see him at all?

His mind would not stop torturing with questions and for what felt like the millionth time over the course of this already very long night (and it would only be getting longer), Jay second-guessed the rash actions that led him to his current location. 

‘Maybe you should just go,’ the cautious rational part of his mind advised. However, before Jay could even come to his own conclusion on whether or not he should knock or walk away…again…the door that he had been canvassing for the past seven minutes flung open. 

Jay’s mouth went completely dry at the sight of her and all of the words he ever knew seemed to be flushed out of his brain. With his words failing him, Jay allowed his eyes to roam up and down her body. The changes were subtle, but they were there and each time his eyes scanned over something new about her, his stomach clenched tightly and the air flowing in and out of him seemed to momentarily freeze. Dressed in a pair of tight black leggings and a simple white V-neck t-shirt, Jay noticed that she had both lost weight and toned up even more than she had been when he last saw her in Chicago. Her chin and cheekbones were more pronounced and while she didn’t look unhealthy, Jay noted that she didn’t look entirely healthy either. Despite one of her hands being hidden from his view, the hand that Jay saw perched on her hip was sporting mauve-colored fingernails. Erin never treated herself to a manicure when she was in Chicago. 

Her hazel eyes bore into him so intensely that it was like a magnetic reaction that he raised his own blueish green ones from her fingernails to meet them. Jay told her once that they were the most beautiful eyes that he had ever laid eyes upon (she blushed and ducked her head to the side in response) but the eyes that he was looking into now were not those eyes. The eyes in which he numerously found himself lost in time and time again were ones that were filled with light and mischief but visibly marred by the horrors they had witnessed over the course of Erin’s tough life. Beautifully imperfect, was what he had once drunkenly said to an equally drunk Erin just before they made a very sloppy kind of love in the doorway of his old apartment after a particularly gruesome case. 

Now, they were completely void of that light and mischief and only reflected the horrors, pain, and sadness that made up too much of her life. 

“Were you ever going to knock?” Erin’s raspy voice broke him from his gaze as sharply as it spoke. “You were the one who flew all the way here to see me after all.” 

It was not the greeting that he had been hoping for, not even the one he realistically thought he would get. And as a result, neither was his response. 

“Your hair is longer,” Jay said dumbly. Her hair was the most noticeable difference in her, as well as the one he liked the most. Gone were her short, blonde locks and the slightly longer, but still short, brown and blonde mixed do that he had last seen her with and in its place was what he assumed to be her natural hair. Falling a few inches below her shoulders, any evidence that her hair had once been dyed blonde was completely gone and in its place was a chestnut colored brown hair that matched the color of the roots that always made an appearance when work got so busy she did not have time to make her regularly scheduled hair appointments. The Erin Jay knew in Chicago may not have gotten her nails done, but she always got her hair done. 

Taking in a deep breathe to ground himself from the rapidly increasing anxiety attack he could feel coming on after his ridiculously stupid comment, Jay felt his tense shoulders relax slightly as he breathed in the scent of her shampoo; it was the scent he had breathed in nightly over the course of their relationship, the scent that all too often kept the nightmares at bay. 

“Uh, yeah. I decided to grow it out.” Jay hated the uncertainty that was laced in with her confused and guarded tone. She did not know what to make of the man in front of him. 

‘Can you really blame her?’ His mind chided. 

“I like it,” Jay said simply, now rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. He had come to see her, but knew that it was not his place to ask her if he could come inside. For as long as he knew her, Erin was always very protective of her home and those that she allowed to enter it. Jay reckoned he lost any rights he had to partake in her personal space the second he announced he was going to stay with Will.

“Thanks.” She paused, opened her mouth and then promptly closed it. She was being very guarded and deliberately choosing each and every word that came from her mouth. Gone were the days in which they just talked freely to one another, Jay woefully remised. 

“You look like shit.” Her comment and the blunt way it was delivered momentarily stunned Jay. 

“Yeah, I, a lot has been going on,” he mumbled as he raised the hand that was not clutching his duffle like a lifeline to the back of his head. ‘There it was,’ he thought as he ran his hand through the hair at the nape of neck anxiously. ‘The acknowledgment of why he was there at her door in the first place that neither of them wanted. 

“Clearly,” Erin muttered before opening her door fully, her nonverbal means of inviting him inside. Jay’s heartbeat felt like it was pounding out of his chest as he accepted her invitation. 

One. Two. Three. Four. He forced himself to count each of the steps he took as he made his way into what he noticed was a spacious and practically empty room. 

Jay stopped when Erin stopped and waited for her to say more, half due to the fact that he had no clue what to actually say to her, half due to the fact that he wanted her to have control over how they would interact from here on out. He was in her space, uninvited…the least he could do was allow her to maintain the control that he knew she needed to have in situations that she was not comfortable with. Because it was so obviously clear that she was uncomfortable. Her body was completely rigid and her bottom lip was being devoured by her teeth—one of the first nervous ticks he learned that she had. 

As a means to occupy himself while Erin figured out what she wanted to do next, Jay let his eyes wander around the apartment. A gorgeous view of the city could be seen from her floor to ceiling windows; it was so beautiful that it almost distracted him from the lack of decorations on the bare, gray-blue colored walls. With nothing more than a TV mounted on the wall—Jay inwardly chuckled at both its large size and non-visible wires—and an uncomfortable looking couch with a sleek, dark wooden coffee table in front of it, the room looked nothing like Jay thought that it would. One of the more surprising traits Jay had learned about Erin during their partnership was that she loved decorating and had a great knack for it; this room belonged to someone who was characteristically the exact opposite. 

“Hey, uh, it’s late and like I said, you look like shit. Do you want to just go to bed tonight and we can talk tomorrow?” Jay’s eyes moved from the TV and back to his ex-girlfriend. Erin hated talking about feelings and Jay honestly could not blame her for wanting to push off this talk because they both knew that it was going to be a heavy one. He knew her offer was for her sake just as much as his. 

“Yeah, uh, yeah,” he croaked out. “Sounds good. I can take the couch?” He regretted that the words came out sounding like a question. Of course he was taking the couch. He had no claim to her bed, not now and potentially not ever. 

“I actually have a guest bed if you want that,” Erin offered. “But if you prefer the couch…” She trailed off, as if afraid that he would not be pleased with it. Jay felt sick at how much the two were tip-toeing around each other; he had once sworn that was the last thing that he wanted to do and now, it was the only thing keeping both of them from bolting out the door and hiding amongst the vast numbers that inhabited New York. One wrong word and it would all blow up in their faces before they had the chance to properly arm themselves. 

The thought brought Jay back to Afghanistan for a brief moment, back to all of the explosions and fights he and his unit were completely unprepared for. The fatalities were too high after each of them. 

“Whichever is fine.” Jay forced himself from the debris-filled sands and back to the present. 

“Just pick one Jay,” Erin snapped, clearly losing her patience and becoming more agitated with the man in front of her. 

“Guest room.” It would be closer to her and she always brought him comfort when she was near.

“Okay, this way.” Erin turned quickly on her heel, beckoning for Jay to follow her down the hallway that apparently led to the bedrooms. Still clasping to his duffle, Jay dutifully followed, taking note of the picture-less walls. 

“I put on clean sheets and left a towel, face cloth, and bar of soap for you. Bathroom is right across the hall,” Erin informed him, pointing to the closed door opposite the one they were both now standing in. “I guess if you need anything I’ll be in my room there,” she was now pointing to the open door that was adjacent to the bathroom one. “Goodnight.” Her uncomfortableness was apparent but Jay could not let her walk away that quickly and easily. 

“Erin,” he reached out to grab her hand, forcing his mind to ignore the tingles that flooded his body at the skin-to-skin contact. “I, uh…thank you. Seriously.” Despite the initial stutter, the words came out clearly and effectively. She knew upon hearing them that this was more than just him being courteous. 

“Goodnight Jay,” Erin muttered softly, her voice cracking as his name passed through her lips. She offered him a small, closed-mouth smile before turning away once more to go to her room. It wasn’t until she shut the door that Jay decided to enter his dwelling for the night, for the week if he was lucky. The room was even less decorated and put together than the living room. A double sized mattress lay on the floor and a tiny black clock that was turned on to an incorrect time lay on top of three medium sized cardboard boxes that were still taped shut. 

Trying not to think about what the apartment’s lack of decorations could mean, Jay stripped himself of everything but his boxers and unceremoniously dropped onto the mattress on the floor. 

The events of the day swirled in his head as he tried to follow Erin’s wishes and have a good night’s sleep. 

“I love you…”

“You dug a hell of a hole…”

“Jay, I-I can’t…”

“Yeah, I know…I’m in New York too…”

The words, mixed with images of the past 87 days—shooting the little girl, Luis dying, watching the DEA agent dye in his arms—made it damn near impossible to fall asleep, let alone do what Erin said. Turning over onto his stomach in frustration, Jay pounded his both of his fists repeatedly against the mattress while he screamed silently into his pillow. 

//

If the whole point of putting off their inevitable conversation until the next day was so that they could have it well-rested, then Erin had failed miserable. 

Sleep did not come to her, no matter how hard she willed it to and now, as she groaned in annoyance at buzzing of her alarm, she was even less rested than she had been when she went to bed the night before. 

Despite her best efforts not to, Erin just couldn’t get the image of Jay Halstead, looking completely broken, standing in the hallway outside of her apartment. Thankfully, he was too busy taking in her own appearance to not witness the absolute heartbreak that undoubtedly washed over her face as she took in how defeated he looked. Life had finally beaten him down and as much as she wanted to hate him for walking away and coming back so abruptly, she couldn’t feel anything but pity. 

Erin blamed it on his eyes; his beautifully broken, bloodshot blueish-green eyes. 

A tiny part of her selfishly relished in how defeated he looked because it was a clear indication that he too suffered like she had. No, like she was. Because how could anyone get over having a man like Jay Halstead come into their life, transform it for the better, and then (seemingly) so easily walk away? 

Curiosity ended up dragging Erin out of her bed when the smell of something sweet cooking hit her nostrils. ‘Jay must be up,’ she thought as she slipped on the pair of leggings she had greeted him in last night. Looking down at the oversized police academy t-shirt she had worn to bed, she realized that she needed to find something else to put on before she walked out to face him. Alongside his army rangers sweatshirt, the shirt was one of the only things of his that she could not bring herself to part with when she left Chicago, the comfort they brought her in this new place overriding any feelings of pain that they also induced. 

Putting on her last clean bralette and a loose, long-sleeved black V-neck, Erin sucked in a breath before she left the confines of her bedroom. 

“You cooked me breakfast?” She found herself saying as she walked into her kitchen. Jay’s back was turned to her as he focused on whatever it was that he was mixing together in a bowl that she didn’t even know she had, let alone unpacked. 

“Well,” she heard him tiredly say. She felt her spirits plummet at his tone; if both of them were sleep deprived, who knows what kind of conversation they would find themselves in. “I’m trying to. Figured it was the least I could do after showing up here basically unannounced. But, ah, you don’t have a whole lot of stuff.” He didn’t mean to sound like he was reprimanding her, but his words ticked her off. 

“Yeah, well, I’ve been busy and New York has really great take-out options. Much better than Chicago.” Her words came out much crueler than intended and Erin immediately felt guilty when she saw Jay slightly flinch. 

“Right, yeah, I’ve heard that,” Jay mumbled, setting down the bowl and placing both of his hands onto the counter ledge. “I can go pick something up for you if you’d like instead?” Erin’s heart ached at his attempts to please her. Deep down, even as the door slammed shut behind him that night, that was all he ever wanted to do: please her and make sure she was happy, no matter the expense. 

“No, no,” she sympathetically waved off his offer. “Whatever your putting together is fine.” With his back still turned to her, Jay nodded and resumed his task. 

Turned out, what he was doing was more than fine, Erin realized as her teeth sunk into a delish bite of the pancakes he had made her from a mix, much like with the bowl, she had forgotten she had. She would never forget how good of a cook Jay Halstead apparently was. 

“Good?” Jay asked her cautiously, his fork fumbling around his own plate of pancakes. 

“Fantastic,” she answered with a comforting smile to signify the truth behind her words. Jay nodded, a light flush flourishing at the base of his neck and slowly creeping upward at her praise. 

“Good,” he muttered before sticking a forkful of food into his mouth. 

An awkward silence fell over them as they ate, both unsure if they should keep up the small talk or dive head first into what they really wanted to say. Finally, Erin couldn’t take it anymore. She needed answers and Goddamnit, she had waited long enough. 

Pushing her almost empty plate away from her, Erin sat back, folded her arms across her chest, and asked the same question she had asked Hank the night before. 

“Jay, what the hell is going on?” She had intended on leaving it at that, but when his shot up and his pained eyes connected with her own, something inside of her snapped and she continued, “First, you leave me, telling me you’re married and that I can’t handle whatever it is that was going on with you. And now, here you are, clearly not okay, eating fucking pancakes in my kitchen in New York! Hank told me that you’re a mess at work and I just, I just don’t get it! You left me and Hank says this,” she waved her hands back and forth from her to him. “Is because you couldn’t handle me leaving? What the fuck?” She felt like she was spitting fire by the time she finished speaking, but a small part of her also felt ashamed. What she said was one hundred percent the truth—her truth—but, as she looked at Jay struggle to maintain himself after her barrage of words, she realized that it may not have been the whole truth. Was Jay finally ready to reveal to her all of him? Was she ready for it? 

“Jay, I just…help me understand,” Erin added because in all honesty, that was all she wanted: to understand. 

“I hate, absolutely hate myself for leaving that night,” Jay began, his eyes refusing to meet her own as he stared intently at a small chip in the kitchen table she had purchased for cheap off of eBay. 

“Then why did you?” Erin was unable to stop the plea from coming out of her mouth. “Why did you tell me I couldn’t handle it? After everything you helped me through, Nadia, Bunny, the drugs, my father, why wouldn’t you let me help you? Was I not good enough?” Her eyes clamped shut as the words spilled out of her. Where the hell was her control? 

Jay began breathing deeply at her words and Erin recognized his actions as his own attempts to maintain control. ‘This was not how this was supposed to go,’ Erin thought, damning the lack of sleep apparently they both got last night.

“It’s not what you think,” Jay weakly tried to continue. More words threaten to escape Erin’s mouth, but she bit her tongue so sharply to hold them in that blood was drawn. If she didn’t let him continue now, she didn’t believe that he ever would be able to finish. 

“I, I did things. Overseas.” He spoke choppily and Erin knew that she most likely would have to infer what was going on by reading in between the lines of the incomplete sentences spewing from his mouth. “It was awful and when I came back…well, I almost didn’t come back. Mouse…” Jay trailed off, as if trapped in a memory. Erin wearily watched him from across the table snap himself out of it. “Being back was hard. Mom died, dad…well, you know a bit about him. Will was AWOL and Mouse struggled too. More than he had to.” The look of guilt that flashed over Jay’s face told Erin all that she needed to know about that. “I was alone and left to my own devices, well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I drank so much it’s a miracle my liver didn’t fail. I just wanted to forget, you know?” Erin nodded because she did know, she knew all about that little too well.

“The war changed me,” Jay continued darkly. “I told you…before…I became a man that I am not proud of. I was always drunk and I was very violent. Especially at night when I couldn’t shut out the memories.” Jay stopped talking and turned his head away from Erin, allowing himself to get distracted by the outside view that could be seen from the floor to ceiling windows, only thing she truly liked about the apartment. Erin wasn’t sure if she should say something to get him back on track with his explanation that was doing very little to ease the pain she had been carrying around since that night or just leave him be. 

Just when she decided she would prod at him to bring him back to her, he cried out softly, “I just didn’t want to hurt you. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself.” 

“But what did that have to do with Abby and leaving me? I don’t get it!” Erin cried out loud, no longer wanting to put in the energy to read in between what he was saying. She knew that the war changed him, she knew that he carried around so many unspoken burdens. What did that have to do with Abby showing up and leaving that night? 

Tears were now slowly beginning to leak out of Jay’s eyes but Erin forced herself to shut off any sympathetic feelings. She was going to get to the bottom of this. No matter what, right here, right now. 

“All I wanted was for you to let me be there for you! I needed you to need me like I had come to need you. I had never let anyone in the way I let you in, not even Hank! I told you things I swore I’d never…” Erin trailed off, shaking her head. That was not the point, he knew just how much she opened herself up to him. “We were partners, equal partners in all parts of life and we swore to have each other’s backs always and when you decided that night that I was not worthy enough to share your burdens like I let you share mine, that broke me Jay. It broke me more than any other person ever had in my entire life. So I need you to tell me, right now, why I wasn’t worthy enough to help you. Why you deemed me not strong enough to help you.” Tears were now streaming down Erin’s face, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was getting finally her answers. 

“Erin, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“I don’t want an apology Jay!” Erin shouted, slamming her hands down on the table, completely and unapologetically losing her cool. “I want answers!” Given the amount of pain Jay was so obviously in, Erin probably should have gone about demanding answers in a much gentler tone but she was in pain too and she was sick of their relationship being one sided. 

Erin’s eyes stared down Jay, watching as his body began to shake while he rubbed his hand over his face, once, twice, three times, a sure sign that he was overwhelmed and tapping into the depths of himself for any ounce of control that he could find. Even after three months apart, she still knew him and his movements as well as she knew herself. 

“I know, I know you do.” He sounded so weak, and had the situation been completely different, Erin would have wasted no time in rushing to his side and wrapping her arms around him as tight as she could. “I, I’m just trying to figure out how to give them.” Jay closed his eyes and Erin watched him as he noiselessly began counting to ten. Once he had finished, he opened his mouth to speak once more, his eyes still shut. 

“The night Abby and I got…married…was one of the worst nights of my life. Not only did I drunkenly marry a girl who, aside from lust, I had no feelings for whatsoever, but I, I uh, I had one of the worst nightmares I have ever had. I never really got to grieve my mom and the funeral that we were in Vegas for, well, it was ah, it was for my buddy who decided blowing his brains out with a revolver was easier than…” Jay shuddered at the thought and took a second to calm himself down once more. “When I got back from that second tour, I spent every second I could with my mom and never really processed what had…what had, what occurred in the Valley. And when she died, it was up to me to plan everything because my dad couldn’t handle her death. I don’t know…” Another long pause. “Anyway, that weekend, it all just came back to me I guess I don’t know. I actually don’t even remember much of it.” Jay was very clearly struggling to explain in full what she wanted to hear and Erin was holding onto every word that was leaving his mouth. It was the most he had ever spoken of his life before Intelligence she had ever heard. 

“I woke up sometime in the night with my hand around Abby’s neck,” Jay whispered so softly Erin almost missed it. “I was killing her and I don’t know what snapped me out of it but all I know is when I did…God, when I did I bolted from the bed, turned the lights on, and saw how trashed the room was, how much damage I caused. And then…fuck…when I saw her, Erin,” Jay finally opened his eyes and stared right into Erin, who was feeling like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her. This was not what she had been expecting and for the first time since he left, she felt like she understood why he did. “Her whole body was covered in bruises and she looked so terrified of me I…I bolted. I couldn’t stay there when I had hurt her so badly.”

//

Jay pounded his hands onto the table in frustration. He knew that he needed to tell her but coming to the conclusion that he would finally give her the insight that she wanted and actually telling her were two completely different battles that he did not want to fight. He could feel his body recoiling with every word that he was saying and if this was how he was reacting and he knew the story, he could only imagine what Erin was thinking right now. ‘Probably about what a monster you are,’ a voice sneered at him. Forcefully shaking his head, Jay willed himself to finish the story, to finish the explanation she so very much deserved. 

“I went back to the room later that day to get my stuff, annulment papers in hand already signed and just waiting for her signature and when I got there, she acted like nothing had happened. She wanted to go on normally because she said she “understood” what I was going through and that she knew I didn’t mean it.” Jay shook his head once more, this time in disgust. “I told her profusely that I was sorry, asked her to sign the papers, and then I left before I could watch her sign them. I couldn’t stand to see her body any more. I wish I stayed to watch her sign the papers though, then none of that mess would have happened and maybe, maybe you would still be in Chicago and not here demanding answers and questioning how much you meant to me.” 

Years from now, Jay would probably mock himself for how pathetic he sounded, but he had given Erin what she wanted and that was all that mattered. ‘

“Seeing her reminded you of everything didn’t it?” Erin clarified. He nodded in response, not entirely in the mood to say anything more than what he had already said. At least for now, that is. Jay knew that they both still had so much more to talk about. 

When Erin didn’t say anything for almost two minutes, Jay began feeling very antsy and like he had to do something before his body imploded on itself. Briefly looking around, his eyes quickly fell to their breakfast plates, both of them still covered in a small amount of food. Picking up his plate and reaching out to grab Erin’s, Jay made a quick getaway to the kitchen to clean the dishes and keep his mind and hands busy on something other than his thoughts.

Midway through washing Erin’s plate, Jay found one more thing that he wanted to say, wanted her to mull over. 

“I know I blew it with you Er, but I need you to know that you were, that you are, it for me. It’s why I took you leaving so hard. Yes, I left first and I hate myself for that. But I always intended on coming back and you still had me as a partner at work. When you left, shit began hitting the fan big time and I just, not having you to turn to even just as a friend who could make me laugh, I don’t know, I spiraled. But you have to know, you were it. You are it. And I am so, so incredibly sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t.”

Erin didn’t respond, but he expected that. It was a lot, this whole situation was a lot and he felt it was a miracle that both of them made it this far relatively scathed. Jay wished that a small piece of the burden he was carrying would be lifted when he finally told Erin about the Abby situation, but as far as he could tell, it was still a prominent weight on his back, a sure indicator that this…whatever this was between them…was far from being over; they still had so much to hash out between them. 

But, when Erin’s hands unexpectedly snaked around his waist and gave a gentle squeeze while he scrubbed the dish in his hand clean, Jay couldn’t help but feel that they would be okay. And that was good enough for him.


	4. Chapter 4

The clock had barely struck three o’clock in the afternoon and Jay and Erin had already had the most emotionally draining day over the course of their respective thirty-three and thirty-two years of living. Following Erin’s act of comfort in her kitchen, the two made their way to the lonely couch in her living room, both sitting stiffly on opposite ends to continue the conversation that had been started over breakfast. Without speaking, the two had mutually decided that the day would be dedicated to airing out everything that had been left unsaid between them and they would not have contact with the outside world until they were finished. The day was about them and their problems. 

“You’re lucky that I have the weekend off of work,” Erin joked in attempts to loosen Jay’s tongue, which had become notably silent since his little speech in the kitchen. All it managed to achieve was a weak chuckle and a pitiful looking smile, but Erin couldn’t bring herself to be too bothered by his lack of response. 

She was completely rattled over what he had shared with her about Abby and she knew that he most likely needed the time to compartmentalize his feelings and ground himself in reality before he could proceed. 

Actually, Erin was more than just rattled, she was angered. Though, her anger was not directed at him, but herself. In the space of time he allowed her to have to sort through the whirlwind of thoughts that flowed through her mind at his confession, one memory that she was unable to rid herself of was the conversation that they had following Mouse’s re-deployment. 

“I just can’t believe he wants to go back,” he had numbly told her. “We both still spend so much time and energy devoted to forgetting what we saw and how much it negatively impacted us and now…” Jay’s hand had clasped around her own so tightly that both hands were turning white. “It’s like we suffered to overcome it for nothing.”

Erin realized now why Jay never told her about Abby and why he reacted the way he did when she abruptly reappeared in his life. With her arrival brought back all of the memories he had spent the past eight years trying to forget and his mind was thrusted from present-day Chicago into the sandy hell that was Afghanistan that had caused him to suffer for so long. And, unlike the news with Mouse wanting to go back, there had been no warning so that he could prepare himself. 

Knowing Jay well enough that it would take some time before he was ready to open up again, Erin decided to fill him on why she had left Chicago in the first place. She told him all about her mom, the deal that had been made, and how she had to spend at least a year in the Big Apple. A great emphasis had been placed on the minimum requirement of her FBI contract; she couldn’t explain why, but she wanted him to know that, as of right now, nothing was permanent and who knows where she would be a year from now. ‘Maybe with him,’ a small voice in her head hinted at. Erin quickly squashed the thought down, no matter how intense the longing feeling that bubbled up inside her at the thought was. They still had a long way to go before that was even put up on the table as an option. 

“I just wished you said goodbye,” Jay said after she finished her explanation. “Not knowing where you went and why…” He never finished the sentence, but the choppy explanation of his actions over the past three months that followed filled in all that she needed to know. He told her all about how he immediately stopped going to his support group, no longer feeling the desire or need to go now after she had left because he went for her in the first place. He filled her in on the nightmares and how utterly alone without her and Mouse around to seek comfort in. Her heart had gone out to him when he described the relationship he had cultivated with Luis Vargas and she was filled with nothing but understanding when he regretfully informed him about what happened with Camilla. Because, after everything and everyone she did following Nadia’s death, who was she to judge? 

Tears flowed abundantly between them as they listened intently and respectfully to what the other had to say. Unlike breakfast, there was no yelling or pleading for answers; they both know that all would be divulged in due time. It was the most heartbreaking, intense, and honest moment that they had ever shared and just when Erin thought that they were done, Jay dropped the ultimate bomb on her. 

“That night you left,” he began, his voice hoarse due to both overuse and exhaustion. “I was going to propose.”

“Wha—I’m sorry, what?” Erin’s jaw physically dropped. He was going to propose? When they weren’t even together?

As if reading her thoughts, Jay launched into an explanation. “I thought we were getting back on track and the group I was going to was actually kind of helping me deal with…you know…and I felt like I was ready to come home and not be a hazard to you. And I don’t know…” Erin could tell he was just as uncomfortable, if not more, as he was when he told her about Abby. Chalking it up to the shock she was still in, Erin scooted closer to him and reached out to lightly touch her hand against his bicep. It was the first physical contact between them since the kitchen and Jay instantly relaxed under her touch. She flushed slightly at the physical proof of the effect that she so clearly still had on him. 

“With everything going on those final days, it made me want to tell you, to show you, how I was there for you, how I would always be there for you, good, bad, and ugly. And, well, the thought of proposing had been circulating in my mind well before Abby showed up and I just, I just figured why wait any longer. I had no plans of going anywhere and I wanted to, I wanted more than anything for you to be my wife. Plus, I figured it would be a hell of a way to get you back.” They both let out an involuntary chuckle at his lame attempt to diffuse the seriousness of the conversation. He actually wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. And she left. Despite knowing that she really had no justification for feeling so, Erin felt like complete shit at that realization. 

“Jay, I, I had no idea. If I had known…” What? She would have stayed? Or would she have left anyway but not without a goodbye? Or would she have still left cloaked by the darkness of the night without a word or inkling as to where she was going? 

“Don’t, it’s done. No sense dwelling on it. What happened happened and now all we can do is hopefully move on.” ‘Jay Halstead, ever the voice of reason,’ Erin internally reminded herself. 

“How do even do that?” Erin couldn’t help but ask. They had both hurt each other so badly, leaving behind a carnage that seemed irreparable. 

“We just do,” Jay said matter-of-factly. “We have to.” 

“And if I don’t want to?” Erin challenged for the sole purpose of just seeing how he would react. 

“Then I will respect that,” Jay whispered, any assuredness present in his last statement completely gone. She cut him once more and his eyes once again gave her a full screen view of the pain he was in. “It would kill me, but I just want what’s best for you Er, and if me out of the picture is it, then I will leave and you’ll never hear from me again.” 

Erin’s eyes clamped shut at his words. That was the last thing she wanted. Leading up to telling him that, she clued him into just how lonely she had been these past three months and how she realized just how much she needed him in her life too. 

“I think that’s our problem Jay. We rely too much on each other to get through life,” she concluded. 

“Maybe it’s a sign?” A sliver of hope crept back into his voice, reaching her ears and causing a small smile to cross her face. 

“Maybe,” she muttered. “I guess we have a week to figure it out.” 

//

Jay was too drained to even make an attempt at hiding the immense joy he felt when she told him that he could stay for the week. 

Checking the watch on his wrist—the one she had given him for his thirty-second birthday—he noticed that it was only three o’clock in the afternoon. The sight of the little hand on the three was a dismal one; he had reckoned it was at least eleven at night and after hashing everything out, for the first time in 87 days he wanted nothing more than to go bed. But, it was too early for that. So, he figured as he eyed Erin’s exhausted look and posture, he would see if she wanted to partake in the next best thing.

“So, I gotta ask.” Erin eyed him quizzically at his very obvious attempt to change the subject and add a little more pep to his voice. “Is New York pizza really worth all of the ranting and raving it gets?”

His heart burst with happiness when her head tilted back and she succumbed to a full-on fit of laughter. 

“Jay Ryan Halstead, you are the only person in the entire freaking world that would go through all that and still be thinking about food!” Her laughter was contagious and Jay did not hesitate to join her. If anyone had been watching them all day and saw how they were now acting, Jay had no doubt in his mind that both he and Erin would get a one-way ticket to the nut house. 

“After all of that, I need some fuel,” Jay defended, please with himself that he was able to get Erin to joke around with him again. It may suck, but Jay knew that if he had to, he could go the rest of his life without having anything more than a friendship with her because at the end of the day, that was all he wanted: for this whole mess that they had created to be put behind them and for them to just simply be friends again. 

“So, does that mean we’re done?” Jay’s eyes involuntarily darkened at her question. It brought his mind back to a near identical worded conversation between them in his kitchen right after they got together the first time and what the conversation had been in regards to. 

“Uh…I mean…uh, I think I said everything I needed to say. You?” Jay patiently waited for her response, noting how her mouth opened and closed once more, as if she was deciding whether to continue along with the lighthearted turn their conversation had taken or bring some heaviness back into it. Personally, he hoped that her choice would be the latter. Jay wanted nothing more for the heaviness to be put out there so that it would be that much quicker for them to put it all behind them and start anew. 

“I…I just want you to know that nothing would have made me happier than to be your wife. You were…are…the only person I ever could see myself making that commitment to. I just want you to know that, if nothing else, me leaving had absolutely nothing to do with you. Please know that and understand that.” What started as a cautious confession that made his heart both soar and sink at the same time ended with a desperate plea, one that Jay could understand completely. Just like how he needed to make sure she knew that it was nothing she did that contributed to him leaving that night, she needed him to know that nothing he did factored into her decision to come to New York. 

Jay didn’t know how much that thought had weighed on him until he felt it vanish from his mind. 

Words betraying him, Jay was unable to put together a response to convey that he believed her. So, he simply nodded and asked once more about the quality of New York pizza. Like the first time he asked, Erin was unable to contain her laughter and Jay put every undercover skill he required to the test as he tried to school his face into the prime example of what a serious face should look like.

“It’s actually not that bad,” Erin confessed in between giggles. “Not as good as Chicago’s, but I can get behind it.” It was not lost on either of them that they were both ignoring the fact they had each tried New York pizza well before Erin’s move to the city, but that would just bring up many unwanted memories that came with the reason why they had been in New York in the first place. 

“What do you say we order one from the best place you can think of and we put this baby to use and find a game to watch?” The day’s conversation had left Jay feeling like a new person and a quick scan around the room had him desperately wanting to watch something on the big flat screen TV hanging up on her wall. 

Erin’s chuckle rang throughout the room as she got up from the couch and made her way into the kitchen. “I blame you for that Halstead,” she called out to him while rifling through one of her kitchen drawers. “I got so damn used to that monstrosity you installed in our old place I felt anything smaller would be just useless.” Jay’s grinned rivaled the Cheshire Cat’s at her revelation. 

//

Erin didn’t need to hear a verbal response to know that Jay was very pleased with himself at her confession. Despite it being months later, she finally conceded in what had been one of their longest battles that pretty much only lasted as long as it did due to both of their stubbornness. She would never, ever, truly tell him just how much she had enjoyed watching the hockey games with him on such a big screen; that was something that could be brought to the grave. 

Chuckling once more to herself—and then promptly questioning why she was able to even do so after such an emotionally draining day—Erin dug out the menu to her favorite pizza place and brought it to Jay, who had found the TV’s clicker and was swiftly going through channels in search of a game for them to watch. 

“This place has the best Hawaiian pizza,” she declared, tossing the menu into his lap while she returned to her seat at the other end of the couch. 

“Pineapple on pizza is fucked up,” Jay mumbled while he thumbed through the extensive menu.   
Erin rolled her eyes at his comment; pineapple on pizza was an argument that outlived both of their relationships, dating back to the early days of their partnership. 

“Want to get one Hawaiian, one pepperoni, fries, mozz sticks, and buffalo wings?” Jay suggested, tossing the menu back at her and resuming his hunt for the sports channel. Once again, Erin rolled her eyes, this time at the insane amount of food he wanted to get for the two of them. Yet, she was unable to deny how good everything had sounded and how much Jay looked like he needed to be stuffed with a week’s worth of food. 

“I’ll go call it in,” she announced as she got up once more to find her phone. Tracking it down in her room, Erin tried not to cringe at all of the missed messages that immediately began flooding in. Most of them were her colleagues checking in and keeping her up-to-date with their current case so that when she came back to work, she would be well informed. In addition, there were a few from Hank that were most likely just him checking in and making sure that the two were doing okay and one from Kim, who most likely could not resist to tell her about Jay’s disappearance and week off. Kim very rarely talked about Jay when the two communicated but even Erin knew that Jay’s actions were a huge deal and very out of character for him and Kim loved to gossip. Most surprisingly though, there was a text awaiting her from Will Halstead. A flash of anger quickly rushed through Erin’s body at the notification of his text as she was reminded of the last time he had texted her about a week after she left. It was one of the only things she had not told Jay about in fear of derailing his already fragile relationship with his older brother. Besides, after forcing herself into Will’s shoes, Erin had no doubt that she would have texted the same thing to whoever had broken her brother’s heart—regardless if the broken heart was the result of mutually inflicted pain. 

A slight fear coerced her into reading the messages from Hank and Kim first. Work would be dealt with tomorrow when she was not struggling to get a grip on what was without a doubt her new reality. ‘Because let’s be real,’ she thought to herself. ‘There was no way she would be able to walk away cold turkey from Jay Halstead again.’

Hank: Just checking in, how are the two of you doing?  
Hank: Hope you and Halstead are working things out.  
Hank: Keep me updated if possible

Erin was more than shocked at the second text. She knew that Hank was very weary of the relationship between her and Jay, but he had never verbally told her that he hoped things were going well for them, let alone make any indication during those final weeks she was in Chicago that he hoped they worked out the obvious mess that had befallen them. Spending more than a few seconds thinking about it, Erin concluded that this text came from both Hank her dad and Hank her boss; he wanted her to be happy and he knew Jay was the man who would bring her that happiness but he also knew that Jay would most likely become more of a liability at work if they did not in fact repair what had been broken between them. Sending Hank a quick text letting him know that they had hashed everything out and were on the way to being good again, Erin turned her attention to Kim’s text. 

Kim: Hey, I know you and Jay are done but I am really concerned about him. He’s been having a very hard time lately…a LOT has been happening…and he’s pretty much gone AWOL. Hailey said he told her he would be off the grid for a week. Tempted to track his phone, but Antonio convinced us not to because it would be an invasion of his privacy. Anyway, I just figured that you would want to know, maybe reach out? He might appreciate that. Totally understand if that’s not something you’re up to though. Miss you girlie, hope we can have a wine facetime date soon!

A little unsure of what to respond, but still not ready to see what Will had texted her, Erin brought herself to type out, Thanks for letting me know. I will see what I can do. And yes! Wine date soon please! Miss you too…so much. 

Wanting to respect Jay’s wishes of keeping his current location private, Erin concluded that would be enough of a response to appease Kim. No longer left with any other distractions—looking at the texts from work were not an option—Erin forced herself to tap on Will’s name and read what he had sent, surprise bubbling in with each word on the screen. 

Will: Please take care of him. He needs help and I respect the fact that you are the only one who can give it to him. Also, sorry for what I last said. I was an ass. 

Yeah you were and of course I will. You have my word.

//

Later that night, after the two of them surprisingly managed to consume all of the food he wanted her to order them and were contently watching the Yankees play against the Red Sox (a rivalry game that Jay felt was just as good as a Chicago team playing), Jay found himself asking the one question that had been stewing in his mind since he arrived the night before. 

“So, what’s with the lack of decorations?” He felt after everything they had discussed today, he could afford to be blunt with her. Besides, it was his beating around the bush and not being upfront that caused them problems in the first place. 

“Oh, yeah, I know the place looks like shit,” Erin dryly remarked, neither amused nor upset by his tactlessness. “I don’t know…When I got here I didn’t have much time to get settled in before they stuck me into an undercover gig that lasted almost three weeks and then when I got back I just didn’t care to decorate the place. I’m hardly really here anyway, work practically owns me.” 

Her response sparked a whole new plethora of questions in him that quickly diverted his attention. 

“Do you like it? Your new job? I know earlier you talked about how lonely you felt within the new team but…” Jay trailed off, unsure if he was overstepping himself. They may have leaped over most of the barriers between them like over eager frogs, but that did not completely erase the new awkwardness that still blanketed over them. Both of them needed to get reacquainted with the other in a new environment that was both their own creation as well as others. Plus, after the heaviness of the day, Jay wasn’t sure if it was right of him to bring up something that was clearly not an easy topic to discuss. 

While he knew and now understood her reasons for leaving, Jay still resented her job because it was a contributing factor for her departure. And Erin knew that, as indicated by the way she uncomfortably shifted in her seat the same way that he noticed she did every time her FBI job was brought up. 

“It’s not what I expected,” Erin revealed. “But we’re doing good work that is important and I love that aspect of it. Do I want to stay on after my required minimum is up, I don’t really know yet.” Jay nodded in understanding. It was hardly new information, he had inferred as much, but it was nice to hear her verbally confirm what he already believed to be true. Her statement gave him some crucial information about herself, if nothing else, and that was that he still could accurately read her and figure out what she was thinking. That had been one of his favorite parts about their relationship: how well they both knew each other and how they could both figure each other out without talking. He hoped it was a trait that was lost on her. 

“I know it may not seem like it given everything.” Jay began fiddling with his hands, nervous that he no longer had any right to let the next line flow from his mouth. “But, I am so, so damn proud of you. The FBI Er, that’s…that’s so awesome and badass.” The ‘babe’ that wanted to tag onto the end of his praise stopped at the tip of his tongue and backed away from the ledge. She was no longer his babe and he had no right to call her that. Not anymore. It was a fluke that she used the term yesterday, only utilizing it to calm him down and ground him with something else to focus on (not that it worked). Here, it would be deliberately used and something about that just didn’t feel right, no matter how badly he wanted it to. 

Erin was not his girlfriend. Not anymore. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if she was his friend. Definitely acquaintances on the way to something more…hopefully. 

“Thanks Jay, I really appreciate it.” Jay nodded his head firmly in response. 

“While I’m here, I can help you unpack the rest of your boxes and put together the rest of your rooms so this place doesn’t feel so…” Jay searched for the right word to use in hopes that he wasn’t offending her. “Empty,” he settled on. 

“Gee thanks,” Erin sarcastically responded. “Glad you hate the place.” 

“No, no! I don’t hate it! I actually love it and think that it would look amazing once you put more than a TV and couch in it,” Jay defended himself. “I mean those windows and that view alone…” Jay whistle appreciatively, an action that brought a bark of laughter from Erin. 

“Yeah, I love them. They’re my favorite part of the whole place. Some nights, I just sit against them on the floor and take everything in from above,” Erin softly informed. The mental image of her against the windows at night and taking comfort in what she looked out at brought a small smile to Jay’s face. He hoped he would be able to join her one night. 

“So,” Erin’s voice brought him out of his daydream and back to the present. “Which room would you decorate first?” Jay didn’t even pretend to think. 

“The guest room. First thing tomorrow I am going out and buying a damn box spring and bedframe. I might even splurge and get you a headboard and comforter as well.” 

At least she had the audacity to look the slightest ounce of ashamed at the state of the room he had spent the night in. 

“I think I can get on board with that. Especially if you’re paying.” It wasn’t a question and Jay didn’t mind one bit. 

“Oh definitely,” he said with a smirk. And then, as he watched a bright smile form on her face, Jay boldly added. “I mean, I want to be comfortable when I come to visit.” Now that he was here and they were on their way to mending the bond between them, there was no way in hell that he wouldn’t be spending every free chance he got with her in New York. If Jay learned one thing since Erin entered his life, it was that she made it better and he let her go twice before and he would sooner be sent to the grave before he let her go again. 

“Then I guess my plans for tomorrow will have to be put on hold so we can go furniture shopping. Don’t want you to suffer any more than you already have,” she quipped back. It was an innocent comment, but Jay took it to mean so much more than that. He truly hoped that his days of silent suffering were long over and that she would be there to help him overcome the hole he so desperately wanted to get out of. 

“Plans?” 

“Well, the rest of the week I don’t know how much I will be around during the day, so I figured tomorrow we could maybe do some sightseeing around the city? I don’t know, probably would be stupid any—”

Jay interrupted Erin before she could second guess herself any longer. “I can deal with the mattress on the floor for two more nights. That sounds awesome.” To further prove his excitement at the thought of spending the entire day wandering around New York City with her, Jay gave Erin the first real smile he managed to muster in 87 days. 

“Alrighty then,” Erin confirmed with a firm nod and a bright smile back.

//

The following day, clad in a pair of her favorite, tight fitting jeans, black boots, and light army green colored sweater Erin attempted to show Jay around the city that was her new home. Unfortunately for the both of them, she didn’t know her way around too well yet and not even two hours into the day, the decided that shouting overly popular tourist locations to whatever cab driver they could flag down was the way to go. 

Simply put, Erin was in the midst of what would most likely go down as one of the best days of her life. 

The first thing Jay had said to her that morning was a request to forget all of the bullshit and just have a nice day together. 

“I just want to put it all in the past and move forward. With you. If that’s okay?” He had hesitantly explained to her. Wanting nothing more and choosing not to remind him that they would most definitely need to address and set guidelines for how they would continue following his NYC departure, Erin wholeheartedly agreed. And man, she was glad she did because, in the midst of all of the heartbreak and pain and silent suffering they were both enduring, she forgot just how fun having Jay Halstead as a companion was. 

All day, he had her laughing and smiling more than she had in the past few months that dated back to her time in Chicago. For the day, they were not Detectives Halstead and Lindsay; they were simply Jay and Erin. And while she couldn’t speak for Jay (though, she had a feeling he would agree), that pairing brought out the best version of themselves. 

“Man, I would kill to see this place at Christmas time,” Jay’s voice broke Erin from her thoughts. They were at the Rockefeller Plaza because Erin had heard one too many times from the females on her new unit just how beautiful the flowers were at this time of year. 

“As beautiful as the damn tree!” Agent Rebecca Ulrich exclaimed time and time again. 

Ulrich was not wrong, the flowers were beautiful. Gazing at the multitude of pink, white, yellow, and orange flowers whose names Erin did not know, Erin tried to imagine herself at Christmas. She immediately blushed when the first image that came to mind was one of her and Jay standing in the exact place that they were now and looking at the “damn tree.” Blaming the image on the fact that Jay had just vocally expressed how that was what he wanted (ignoring the fact that he did not mention her), Erin found herself saying, “Maybe…if you wanted…you could come for a few days and we come back here.” 

It was a risky move, even for her. No matter how innocent the sentence sounded, it was anything but. So much weight was attached to it due to the implications that she was implying, mainly that they would be in a good enough place that, at Christmas, he would want to come here and that she wanted him to. Deep down, she knew that she did and that she still would seven months from now, but it was still a lot to actually process. Would he be visiting as a friend? Or as her boyfriend? If the latter, how would their relationship evolve into that? Would they do long distance? Could they do long distance when they both knew the perks of being with each other almost every day? There was just so many questions and her one simple statement made her go back against her promise to Jay that morning and think about all of the bullshit they had wanted to forget for the day. 

“I’d like that,” Jay said simply and firmly, his tone covering up any room for discussion. A quick sideways glance up at him told Erin that he too was struggling with the same questions she was and, as she does best, she quickly sought out the first thing that she could say to alter the course of their conversation. 

They did promise each other after all…

“Hey, I think the Yankees are playing the Sox again today. Want to head over to the stadium and see if we can get last minute tickets?” Erin wanted to add that it would be just like the old times when they went to Cubs games every chance they got, but she didn’t. No sense in bringing up the past when the day was going so well. 

“What kind of a question is that?” Jay asked incredulously, flashing the infamous Halstead smirk that could bend her to his will without a second’s thought. She knew that he would appreciate her change in subject and activity. 

By sheer luck, Jay managed to talk his way into scoring great seats at a relatively cheap price and the two of them thoroughly enjoyed themselves as they splurged on a surplus of hot dogs, ice cream, and of course peanuts because, as Jay always had to claim, it wasn’t a baseball game without them. Erin was warily aware of the fact that Jay refused all too quickly her offers to go get them a nice cold beer. Not wanting to tempt him or make him uncomfortable by drinking in front of him, Erin sustained from getting one for herself and instead made sure that the two were well-supplied with the overly expensive lemonade that the stadium provided. Every penny they both spent on the day was well worth it though, she reasoned as they watched the Red Sox take the lead in the top of the ninth. They simply had fun and Erin could not remember a recent time where she felt so content and happy. 

Looking up at Jay, his face a mixture of relaxation and concentration, Erin immediately could tell that the day had the same effect on him that it had her. By some miracle, it had rejuvenated them and their friendship, which was ultimately the core of their relationship. Not that she was banging down the doors to jump into bed with him, but Erin knew deep in her heart, as corny as it sounds, that the two of them were once again on track to becoming something more than friends. 

A pang of uneasiness crept into her body at the thought of them as something more than friends. Was it too soon? Did she forgive him too easily? Once again, though the words had never been spoken, it was a mutual understanding between the two that this week was all about forgiveness and moving on. After their shared confessionals yesterday, it felt as if the forgiveness part was covered, but Erin couldn’t help but question that as her eyes followed the Sox player’s hit down the first base line, teetering the line of being fair play and a foul ball. ‘Of course you forgive him,’ she thought to herself. ‘He explained himself and you know you would have done the exact same thing in his shoes. In fact, you did worse after Nadia died. You tried to completely abandoned him. He just removed himself from a potentially dangerous situation.’ 

‘But that doesn’t take away the fact that he left you heartbroken and alone,’ a second voice chimed in. 

“Bullshit,” Erin mumbled, shaking her head and maintaining her earlier conviction that she forgave him. She understood now and he very obviously endured enough suffering for his actions anyway, much more than she had. 

“Don’t tell me you’re now rooting for the Yanks,” Jay scoffed in disbelief. Eyes scrunching up in confusion at the question and then widening in the realization that he heard her, Erin vehemently shook her head. 

“No, sorry. I was just thinking to myself,” she explained. 

“What about?” Of course he would want more of an explanation. 

“Everything I guess.” There was no point in lying. Last night, just before sleep pounced on her after evading her the night before, Erin had vowed to herself that she would be 100 percent honest with Jay going forward. Secrets were what destroyed them in the first place and if they ever wanted to stand a chance, then like she had with all of her previous addictions, she had to kick her secretive nature to the curb—at least, around him she did. “This day has been perfect and I had so much fun with you and well, you know me, always have to try and taint a good thing,” she deprecatingly finished. 

//

Jay sighed deeply at her words; he knew it would be too good to be true for them to make it through the entire day without any heavy talk. But he couldn’t let her thinking whatever it was that very clearly had her feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. 

“Talk to me Er,” he mumbled, daring to drape an arm around her shoulders as a way to hopefully ease her mind and provide some comfort against whatever war was raging in her head. He relished in the fact that her body seemed to inch closer to his at the action and tried not to think too much about the feeling of her body lightly pressed up against his own. Damn the seat’s arm rest that separated them. 

“It’s really nothing. I want you to know that I forgive you for everything. And I guess my mind is just trying to shield me like it does with everyone else by reminding me of what it was like when you left. But I understand! I need you to know that I understand and I am going to beat my mind into submission that you are not everyone else Jay, because you’re not.” Her soft-spoken pleads were just loud enough to override the intense drumming in his ears that started up at the mention of how her mind felt the need to protect her from him because he had hurt her just like everyone else in her life had. “You’re not,” was what she had said and Jay desperately wanted to believe her. 

“Er,” He croaked. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Stop right there Jay. Just shut up. No more apologizing. I forgive you. I promise. I just want to move on, don’t you?” He nodded, taking in every single one of her words like they were his salvation. She forgives you, she forgives you, she wants to move on…

It was time to move on. 

“Fuck, yes. So bad.” He gave her shoulder a tight squeeze for emphasis. He only had five more full days left in New York and he did not want to spend them dwelling on the past, he wanted to spend them moving forward and making new memories to take the place of the old ones. 

“Then that’s what we are going to do. Starting now. Sound good?” She spoke firmly and surely, leaving no room for hesitation or wariness to contradict what she was saying. As the crowd roared around them at the third out, Jay searched Erin’s hazel eyes for any mixed messages. Her words may be firm but her eyes always told the truth, even when it did not match what she was saying. 

Spotting no difference, Jay boldly yet cautiously and gently pressed his lips to the side of her head, letting them linger there a second too long before whispering just loud enough that only she would be able to hear, “Sounds perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

Melancholic air draped around them on his last night. Sitting on the floor, backs against the wall and gazes mesmerized with the bustling nightlife below them, neither Jay or Erin could come up with words to fill the silence between them. While their relationship had improved immensely throughout Jay’s time in the city, they still had so many unknowns ahead of them to face. 

He was leaving tomorrow, in a mere sixteen hours. Hardly enough time to find the words to say what currently could be said. 

Jay’s head was filled with a clutter of thoughts. All he wanted was to tell Erin exactly how he felt and exactly what he wanted for them, as a couple, going forward. His week in New York had provided him with exactly what he wanted: a chance to decompress and fix his relationship with Erin. Through setting up her apartment so that it looked and felt more like a home instead the empty shell of one that he had entered on that first night and meeting her for daily lunch dates at the little café across the street from where she worked, Jay had done just that. The sheer effort that it took to put together and set up furniture and decorations in each of the apartment’s rooms had taken Jay’s mind off of his troubles in Chicago. With each pound of the hammer and every grunt that escaped him as he moved the heavier pieces into the exact location that Erin wanted, Jay quite literally worked the problems out of himself. Manual labor, he informed Erin after she expressed concerns over how much he was attempted to get done on his own, was the best form of therapy. 

“Want to know how I eventually managed to put myself back together after the whole Ab-Abby situation?” He had said while circling a dresser to figure out the best way to pick it up and move it into her bedroom. 

“How?” 

“By rebuilding the dock and putting a new roof on the cabin in Wisconsin,” he stated. “And when Terry died and Voight made me take the week off, I put in a new deck.” 

“By yourself?” Erin had asked in disbelief. Jay only nodded in affirmation because he had sense she had another question to ask. “Why didn’t you go to the cabin this time?” It was no secret that the cabin was Jay’s place to go when he needed to get away and, had she been in Chicago and not New York, Erin had no doubt in her mind that he would have gone there instead of to her. It was a truth they both accepted early on, when Jay was having trouble, it was the cabin he sought solace in, the wooden building able to provide more for him than any other human could. 

“The cabin wouldn’t have been able to help me through this, not like you have,” he had truthfully told her. “Besides, I need to fix us more than taking on some stupid project up there.” 

Luckily for him, Erin had been able to provide him with a plethora of manual things to do around her place even after he finished his tasks of putting the rooms together. The past two days were spent repairing door jams, unclogging her bathroom’s sink and shower of hair, and repainting her bedroom so that it was no longer an ugly pea green color, but instead a sophisticated light gray. 

In between all of the work that he had been scripted to do, was a time that Jay had found himself counting down to every day: lunch with Erin. Once their weekend was up and Erin had no choice but to go back to work, Erin had anxiously suggested over breakfast that Monday morning that he meet her for lunch at her favorite sandwich shop across the street from her work building. Jay agreed in seconds and found himself every day at 11:30 on the dot leaving her home and making the twenty minute walk to where Erin wanted to meet. With the ten minutes he spent waiting for her to show up, Jay enjoyed selecting random desserts for them to try once they polished off their sandwiches, which were always the special of the day. 

“You’re gonna make me fat Halstead,” Erin had jokingly said Thursday while cramming the last chocolate filled Italian cookie sandwich into her mouth. Jay had held back his comment that he felt she could benefit from gaining back the weight she obviously lost since leaving Chicago. It had been the only time where Jay felt the need to bite his tongue and keep the words from coming out of his mouth. 

Over the course of the hour they joined together for lunch, Jay and Erin talked more openly and freely than they had in years. There was something about being in that little café that made them feel like they could talk about anything and everything. Jay told her all about adjusting to having Upton as a partner, how no matter how hard she tried, she just wasn’t Erin and she never would be. Erin shared the same sentiments in regards to her new partner as well. That conversation prompted him to dig deep and tell her about how accidently killing that little girl—which she had interrupted him and confessed that she saw what had happened on the news—reminded him of the boy he had killed during a raid to track down a terrorist leader. 

“I just, I needed you to be there to tell me that I was not the monster everyone believed me to be, that I believed myself to be,” Jay confessed. Pushing aside the guilt she felt upon hearing that, Erin inquired about his support group.

“I stopped going when you left,” he had informed her, the look he gave her saying the words he did not: with you gone, I saw no need to make myself better. 

At lunch the next day, she had shown up with a stack of printed papers, all containing the names of organizations and counselors that specialized in PTSD. 

“In case you don’t want to go back to the group you were going to before,” she had said before telling him that not going to any of them was not an option. “I need to know that you will be okay when you go back and I am not there.” 

Their conversations were not always heavy; Jay took the time to tell her goofy stories from his childhood, opening up more about his family before his mom got sick the first time. He also made sure she was completely caught up with everyone at work and how they were doing. 

“Ruzek is still an idiot,” he joked before regaling her with all of the stupid antics he had gotten into when Voight and Al were looking the other way. 

For the most part, Jay talked and Erin listened and when she returned home for the night, the roles reversed and Erin talked while Jay listened. Something about being in the privacy of her own home made her more apt to open up. 

While watching Jay hang up various pictures and organize the knick knacks, books, and movies onto the shelves he installed, Erin told him all about life as an FBI agent, making sure to include every nitty gritty detail of each raid she went on, as well as the specifics of the two undercover assignments she partook in. 

“It’s like Intelligence but so much more intense,” she had described. 

“More intense than Voight?” he quipped back. Hearing her pseudo-father’s name brought on feelings that Erin had never experienced before and she found herself spilling to Jay how angry she was at him for orchestrating her leave in the first place. 

“I mean, I understand why he did it and I am thankful that he got me out of there before I had to watch them strip me of my badge,” she lamented. “But, hearing everything you’ve been going through, finding out the life that I could have had…” No more words could have been said. The potential proposal was the one topic they chose to flit around, neither sure what to say because they knew that it would impact their future either way. 

“It happened, it is what it is. But please, do not regret having this kick ass job because of me. You one hundred percent deserve it and I am so incredibly proud of you. Do I wish you told me about it before you left, of course. But that does not take away how deserving you are of this job,” he had forcefully told her, leaving no room for misinterpretations. “Voight was just doing what he thought was best for you, you can’t fault him for that.” 

“No, but I can wish that he went about it differently.” Jay was unable to find an argument to make back in his boss’s favor. 

A sniffle brought Jay back to the present day. Looking up at Erin, Jay noticed in the dim lighting that tears were slowly streaking down her cheeks. Concern immediately flooded over him.

“Er, what’s wrong?” She sniffled again and turned her head even closer to the large window that she was staring out of. “Talk to me,” Jay pleaded softly. 

“You leave tomorrow,” she said just as softly, her voice wavering slightly. “I, I’m gonna miss you. It was nice having a house husband doing my chores for me.” Her attempt to diffuse to the sadness they both felt was not lost on him and he did his best to pluck a laugh from his body and then trying hard not to cringe at how weak it sounded. 

“I’m not leaving for good. I’ll come back to visit when I can. Plus, we’ll talk every day that we can, I promise.” It was the best that he could promise for now. 

“You make me feel less lonely Jay Halstead,” Erin sheepishly muttered. “I wish you could stay.”

Jay’s almost fully mended heart felt like it was breaking all over again at her words. He wished that he could stay more than anything, but his life was in Chicago, not New York. And as much as he loved spending the past week in the city with her, he knew deep down that it was time to go home. 

“I wish I could too, but you know that I can’t.” He watched as Erin nodded at his words, accepting what he was telling her no matter how much she obviously did not want to. 

“What’s going to happen now?” Jay’s heart began pounding as she asked the one question they had been avoiding since he arrived. What would happen? Life obviously would not continue as it had before, they made sure of that this week. Every conversation, every longing look shared, every laugh, every tear, every moment spent in silence just enjoying the company of the other strengthened their weakened bond so that it was now stronger than it ever had been before. There was no ignoring that, so what were they to do with hundreds of miles between them?

“What do you want to happen?” Jay countered, wanting the ball to be on her side of the court. Even when they were in a relationship, Erin always had a fear of commitment that constantly kept Jay on his toes and proceeding with caution. However back then, they were always on the same page in regards to their “one day”; a relationship was what they both wanted and what they believed the end goal to be. Now, who knows?

Jay watched with bated breath as Erin began chewing on her bottom lip, her hazel eyes staring down at the city but not taking anything in. She was so deep in thought that Jay was certain World War III could have broken out around them and she would have no clue. It was a rare sight, seeing her so deep in thought. Throughout the week, Jay realized that Erin’s time here made her evolve as a person into a more refined version of her Chicago self. Chicago Erin very rarely thought about anything; it was all or nothing with her. New York Erin, well, she liked to think and Jay found an odd sort of comfort in that as he recalled all of the situations she had gotten herself into by not thinking of the consequences. New York, despite the loneliness it made her feel, had been good for Erin. 

“I want you Jay, I want you so bad it hurts,” Erin conceded, tears streaming faster down her cheeks. 

Jay’s heart stopped at her words. She wanted him. She wanted him. She wanted him. 

“I love you,” she continued. “I still love you. And I have a feeling that you still love me too. For me moving on means you Jay, it means you. And, and I hope moving on for you means me.” Erin’s words had him completely floored. They were what he had been hoping to hear, but now that he had heard them, Jay had no clue what to make of them. 

So, much like that first night when she opened the door and expected him to tell her why he delayed knocking on her door as long as he did, Jay Halstead found the stupidest of replies coming out of his mouth so quickly that his brain lacked the ability to process them even as they were being said. 

“This feels like some overly sappy romantic movie.” 

//

Erin’s tear filled eyes watched as his widen almost comically when he realized what he had said. 

“Shit, fuck, I take that back! Fuck that’s not what I meant, fuck, yes. I want to be with you! You’re my future Er, like I said before you’re it for me. Fuck, I just fucked things up didn’t I? Damn it!” He was so stressed out that Erin did not even have to force herself to have pity for him. 

“Jay, babe, calm down,” Erin advised as her face contorted into a mixture of tears and laughter. It was nice to see this side of Jay Halstead, the side of him that was unsure of himself. All too often, Jay was her charming, overly cocky man and while she loved that side of him, it was nice to see his more vulnerable side, the side that she knew only she ever got to see. 

“I didn’t just totally ruin my chances, did I?” The excess uncertainty and fear in Jay’s voice had Erin pushing away from the corner she was sitting in and slowly saunter over to his own corner. Sitting down onto his lap, Erin put her hands on his muscular shoulders and leaned forward, pausing only inches away from his lips. 

Instinctively, his hands grasped at her waist and felt around until they found their favorite spot on the skin where the waist of her pants began and where the fabric of her shirt ended. Hands in position, Jay paired his eyes with her own and while the look of them told her everything she needed to know, Erin felt her breath halt as he opened his mouth to speak. 

“I can’t think of one image of my future that doesn’t have you in it.”

With the rasp in her voice sounding more prominent than ever, Erin managed to say, “Now who sounds like a sappy romance movie?” before promptly leaning in and smashing her lips against his own. 

Erin noted how instantly he had reacted, his tongue making quick work to part her lips and mingle with her own and his hands slipping underneath her shirt and inching upwards to reacquaint themselves with her back. She mewled softly against him in response to his actions, knowing she made the right choice with her decision to take him back when she felt her body light up at his touch and mold itself perfectly against his own.

He was kissing her softly yet powerfully at the same time, as if to insure her of his intentions and the truth behind his words. Kissing Jay in the past had never left her feeling disappointed and wanting more but what he was doing to her now seemed to top everything and then some. There were no qualms on her behalf when he slipped her shirt up over her head and nothing but borderline incoherent pleas slipping from her mouth when he questioned whether or not it would be okay if they continued in the bedroom. 

It was slow, meaningful, and intense. It felt like a lifetime had passed as Jay reacquainted himself with every crevice of her body, making sure there was not an inch of her that was not worshipped by his lips. When they finally reconnected as one, only one thought passed through Erin’s head before she succumbed to the extreme pleasure he was providing her. 

How the hell could she have left the man who had the ability to make her feel like this?

They went all night and did not stop until the sun hung high in the sky. 

“Gotta not only make up for lost time, but also overindulge for the months ahead,” Jay had gasped after their fourth time after rolling off of her and draping an arm loosely over her stomach. 

Thankfully, she had planned in advance to take the morning off to bring him to the airport. While he packed up his clothes into his duffle and then dragged himself out to get them much-needed coffee and donuts for breakfast from the little shop a block over from where she lived, Erin forced herself to shut off all thoughts and attempt to get some sleep. 

Jay regretfully woke her up two hours later, iced coffee and her favorite blueberry donut in hand, and announced that they had to leave now for the airport now or else he would miss his flight. As tempted as she was to say flight be damned and drag him back into bed with her, Erin dejectedly accepted her breakfast, quickly devouring the donut before dragging herself out of bed to make herself look somewhat presentable. 

Refusing to let him shower with her (she knew that they would never leave if he did), Erin silently cried as the scalding hot shower water rained down on her deliciously sore body, mourning the impending departure of the only man she ever truly loved. 

“Ready to go?” Jay mumbled when she emerged from her room, dressed in her least comfortable gray pantsuit. 

“Sure you can’t stay?” She mumbled back as she walked straight into his rock solid body, relishing in the feeling of his arms instinctively wrapping tightly around her.

“I wish I could babe, but you and I both know I can’t,” Jay whispered into her hair. She heard him inhale the scent of her in attempts to physically preserve all memories of her. The thought reluctantly brought more tears to her eyes. “I’ll come back as soon as I can, I promise.” 

“You better. And you’ll call every day?” Erin wanted to hate herself for how needy and weak she sounded, but this was Jay, all bets were off when it came to him. That much she had learned a long time ago. 

“Oh, definitely!” The two could not help but laugh at the phrase that had come to take on so much meaning to them over the years. 

Their laughter dissipated quickly and the two reconciled lovers were left standing silently wrapped in each other’s arms. 

“Thank you,” Erin heard Jay say just as she was about to suggest that they get going or else he would be late. 

“Of course,” Erin responded, not knowing what else to say. It was a thank you that encapsulated so much, one that she had been unable to outright say to Jay in the past. 

“That was for never giving up on me,” was how she phrased it, unable to be bold enough to express genuine verbal gratitude for his life-saving actions. While the week suggested otherwise, Erin loved how much better at words Jay was than her, loved how he was always able to say exactly what he wanted to say when he wanted to say it. 

Erin tightened her grip around Jay’s waist when she felt him begin to pull away. “No, please, just a little bit longer,” she pleaded, her independent mind cringing at how she was acting. Jay was leaving after she just got him back and who knows when she would see him again, was Erin’s silent refute. She was allowed to act this way just this once.

Pressing his lips to her head, Jay let them linger for a moment before pulling himself free from her tight grip.

“Babe, please, as much as I don’t want to, I gotta go.” Her eyes prickled with unshed tears as she nodded her head in agreement. 

The car ride to the airport was silent and the only two words shared between them was a quick goodbye that was followed by a doubly long kiss. 

“I’ll text you when I land,” Jay promised through the open window of her car. Erin could only nod in response and before she knew it, she was subjected to the view of his body, clothed in his typical blue jeans, green Henley, black leather jacket, and black work boots walking away from her to eventually be swallowed up by sliding door entrance of the JFK Airport. 

“I love you,” Erin muttered to his barely viewable figure. She may not have been able to say the words to his face this time, her mind working through too many emotions to even attempt to deal with the love she felt for Jay, but the next time she saw him, she vowed that they would be the first words he heard come from her mouth. 

//

Will was the last person that Jay wanted to call when his plane touched down in Chicago but his bank account had taken an unprepared for hit while he was in New York and he just could not bring himself to pay for another Uber. 

“I’m sorry who’s this?” Will joked when he picked up Jay’s call. 

“You’re brother who needs a ride home from the airport,” he responded, not entirely in the mood to deal with Will’s antics. 

“Ah, the prodigal son returns, how nice.” 

“Look, can you come get me or not?” Jay huffed, the urge to slap his brother upside the head growing by the second.

“It must be your lucky day, I just got off shift. Text me which gate you’re at and I’ll be there in twenty,” Will confirmed. 

“Thanks man, will do. See you soon.” Jay immediately hung up, texted Will the information that he needed, and then searched around for a space where he could sit down and wait for his brother to arrive. 

Made it back in one piece. Is it too pathetic of me to say that I miss you already?He texted Erin once he sat down on a bench alongside the outdoor pick-up area. Jay wished that he could call instead of text, but he knew that since she took the morning off to be with him, her afternoon would be pretty swamped with work. To say he was surprised when she responded to his text immediately was an understatement.

Not as pathetic as me…looking up flights to Chicago and whether or not any good deals match up with days that I can request off of work  
Glad you made it back okay xx

Can I call? 

No sorry Lin a meeting  
But I can text  
Why? Everything okay?

Just bored waiting for Will to come pick me up  
Don’t let me distract you if you’re busy

Did you tell him you were with me?

He figured it out…don’t worry, he won’t say anything I’ll make sure of it. 

Good…thank you  
So just him and Voight know? 

Yes and I promise it will remain that way on my end until you give the okay

Me? I thought you wanted to keep it on the DL too?

I do. At least for now. I will be ready when you are to make it known

Okay  
Thank you

Of course.

What transpired in New York was between him and Erin and both were determined that it remained that way. Their relationship was sacred and fragile and they were by no means ready to let anyone even taint that with a dirty comment or criticism. 

How long do you have to wait for Will?

Hopefully just ten more minutes

Was he mad you came to see me?

Jay typed out a message and then promptly deleted it, unsure if it was the right thing to say. When he was with her, he touched upon briefly how Will wasn’t exactly her biggest fan as a result of his efforts to try and not be the shitty brother he grew up with. However, he heavily downplayed the situation and while she definitely saw through his lie, she never called him out so he did not push the issue any further. 

I won’t lie, he’s not your biggest fan at the moment but don’t worry about it

I just don’t want to come between you guys  
He’s your brother

And you’re my girl  
Don’t worry about it…he’d be a hypocrite if he was truly pissed at you for leaving me anyway

True  
Hey I gotta go…meeting is finishing up and I have to debrief my team 

Do your thing babe  
Talk to you later

She responded with a simple heart emoji that made Jay smile before he put his phone away and waited the final few minutes for his brother. It still floored him that Erin was leading her own team. Something that he himself had been dreaming of since he passed the detective exam, Jay was unable to stop the pride that he felt for his girl every time he thought about it. Yes, there may have been some excessive resentment and hatred about it in the beginning when he really had no clue what was going on, but now that he had the whole story and they cleared the air, he was thrilled. 

A car honking repeatedly broke apart his thoughts.

“Get in you ugly bastard!” Will shouted through the open window of his car with a large, goofy smile that Jay reluctantly (but not too reluctantly) returned. 

“Thanks a ton for this,” Jay commented as he got situated in the front seat, turning his body slightly to shove his duffle into the back seat so that he would have more leg room. Will shrugged off his gratitude as he pulled out into the traffic leaving the airport. 

“So…” His older brother dragged out when they left the airport’s premise and turned onto the highway exit. “How was the trip?” 

Jay rolled his eyes. “Good.” 

“Just good?” Will pushed. 

“Great actually. We cleared the air. We’re good, I’m good, it’s all good.” Will nodded his head along with what Jay was saying and then, instead of continuing the conversation—because no way in hell was that all he had to say on the matter—he proceeded to make small talk the rest of the car ride back to Jay’s apartment.

When they finally reached Jay’s apartment building, Jay figured inviting his brother up for a beer was the least that he could do after he went out of his way to pick him up. 

“What does it mean that you guys cleared the air?” Will tentatively asked after the beer tops were popped and they planted themselves on the leather couch in the living room with the TV turned on to the Cubs game. 

Jay sighed. It was the question that he had been waiting for and truth be told, he did not want to get into it with Will right now. So, he simply said, “Exactly what it sounds like,” and hoped that would be enough of a response to appease his brother. 

“Doesn’t really sound like much man. You guys friends? Back together? Going your separate ways?”

“We’re back together,” Jay confessed, bringing the cold bottle in his hand up to his lips and taking a long swig, the cool liquid providing a welcomed distraction from the look of disbelief that his older brother was shooting at him. 

“Wow,” Will scoffed. “And you think that’s the right thing? After everything that she put you through these past few months?”

“It’s not like I was a saint to her either man,” Jay admitted, having long accepted that he too hurt Erin with his actions. 

“She left you! Do you not get that? And the first real chance you get, you go crawling back to her! What the hell man?” Will shouted, prompting the argument between the two brothers to escalate quickly.

“So what?” Jay yelled, beyond pissed that he was having this conversation with his brother of all people. “You left! Without any reason to might I add! And I still made the effort to have a relationship with you when you came crawling back!”

“That’s completely different!” Will tried to defend.

“Yes it was! What you did was worse! Mom was DYING!” Jay roared, jumping up to his feet, arms flailing to emphasize his anger. “She was dying and you left! And didn’t come back until there was NOTHING left for you in New York! Erin had to leave! And we were technically broken up when she did! She owed me NO explanation!”

Will rose to his feet as well, fist cocked back and ready to ignite. “Oh move on! That was years ago, it happened, its done, and I’m sorry!”

“You fucking hypocrite, get the hell out of here,” Jay bitterly ordered, eyes trained on Will’s fist, body ready to defend whatever onslaught attack that was heading his way. 

“Whatever man, don’t come crying to me when she breaks your heart again!” Will spat, dropping his arm and turning towards the door. Even though he was simply doing what he asked him to do, Will’s actions only angered Jay further.

“Go to hell you son of a bitch,” Jay snarled at his brother’s back. “I love her and I will always love her and if you can’t accept that then just get the hell out of my life again!” A spark of pain went through Jay at his words. Will was his brother, the only true blood family that he had left; he didn’t want to lose him for good. How could he react this way to him and Erin? Why couldn’t he just accept that she made him happy and he loved her? Why?

Nevertheless, he stood by what he said and watched with a bated breath to see how Will would react. Something with what he said clearly must have resonated with him because his pace slowed down and his previously tense stance slouched downward in defeat. 

“Do you still want to give her mom’s ring?” Will questioned, his voice barely audible. 

“More than anything,” Jay answered truthfully. “She’s it Will.” Will nodded his head slowly at his brother’s words. 

“She helped you get your head back on straight?” 

“Yeah, she pulled my head of out of my ass,” Jay confirmed, cringing at the hope bubbling up inside of him with the turn in conversation. Will’s head nodded again as he took in what his brother was saying to heart. 

“Okay, okay.” Will turned around and faced Jay. “I’m sorry. Just looking out for you bro.” 

Jay nodded, accepting his brother’s apology. Not one for flattery words and no longer wanting to discuss it with Will, in typical Halstead fashion, Jay put the fight out of his mind and said, “What do you say we have another round of beers and finish watching the game?” 

Will smiled and quickly sauntered out of the doorway. “Sounds good man.” 

//

The following morning, Jay excitedly got ready for work. The week off may have been just what he needed, but now that he cleared out his head, he was ready to get back to the nitty gritty, tough job that he loved. Wanting to speak to Voight before the rest of the team arrived for the day, Jay made the effort to wake up extra early to get to the district. 

“Good to have you back Chuckles,” Platt greeted the second he stepped into her lobby, barely lifting her eyes up from the paperwork she was reading. Jay was no fooled though; the smile he noticed on her face clued him in to the genuineness of her comment. 

“Detective Chuckles,” Jay corrected with a smirk. “And thank you.” 

Climbing up the stairs to Intelligence two at a time after scanner accepted his palm, Jay thought about what he would say to Voight. Jay knew that his boss was fully aware of where he went and who he was with and he was not sure if his boss would appreciate Jay bringing up his relationship with his pseudo-daughter. 

Noticing that, like expected, Voight was sitting at his desk behind closed doors, Jay sucked in a deep breath before striding towards his boss’s office. Once he reached the closed doors, Jay allotted himself one more calming breath before he raised his hands and knocked twice before gently pushing the doors open. 

“Hey Sarg, could I have a quick word?” Jay greeted, watching as Voight’s attention immediately shifted from the paperwork he was reading to himself. 

“Halstead, welcome back.” 

“Thank you. And thank you for the time off. I uh, well, I really needed it.” Jay paused and made his way further into the office, choosing to sit himself down into one of the two chairs in front of Voight’s desk. “I just want to say,” he continued once he was comfortable. “How sorry I am for the position that I put you and the team in with the case involving Camilla. I was out of line and it will not happen again.” 

“Mmhm,” Voight grunted. “You’re right, it will not happen again or I will ship your ass out of this unit so fast you won’t even have time to say goodbye.”

“I understand sir.” 

“Your head on straight?” 

Jay nodded in response, unsure if he was supposed to go into detail about how Erin helped him or not. 

“Well, you’re on desk duty for the week, no arguing,” Voight added before Jay could get an argumentative word in. As much as he didn’t want to, Jay knew that desk duty was a small punishment for his actions in comparison to what Voight should have, and most likely wanted, to do with him. 

“And you will meet with a police counselor. At least once.” Voight continued. 

“Boss, I, uh, I actually have plans to see someone that I used to see before—”

“I don’t care,” Voight interrupted. “You will meet with this police therapist at least once and then after that, see whoever you want.” 

“Yessir.” Jay knew it would be fruitless to argue back, especially if he wanted to maintain whatever good working relationship he still managed to have with Voight. 

“Good, now get out of here and get caught up on the paperwork you missed while you were away.” Jay nodded in response, muttered his thanks one last time, and proceeded to exit the office. Just as he was almost out the door, his boss stopped him once more.

“How is she?” Jay was a combination of touched and floored at the gentler tone used to ask the question. Turning back towards Voight, Jay gave a small nod and said, “She’s good. She’s doing good. Spent the week putting together her apartment so she’s much happier now that she’s not surrounded by cardboard boxes as her only means of decorations.” He figured Voight would appreciate that little tidbit. Why? He did not know, but the softened look that had befallen over his boss’s face told him it was the right thing to say. 

“You two are good for each other. Don’t fuck this up.” 

“I won’t sir. You have my word.” Jay said as confidently as he could. This was the most Voight had everacknowledged their non-working relationship and Jay knew that he was no longer talking to his boss, but instead, his girl’s father. If he was being honest, the quick transition made his head spin. 

“Hopefully your word means something this time Halstead. Now get to work.” The intimidating father moment was over and Jay knew that was his cue to leave the office for good this time and get himself ready for the day. 

The Intelligence Unit was floored by the man that had returned to them a week later. Wherever he went to clear his head clearly did the trick and they wanted nothing more than to know the details. Jay was not talking though. 

“Come on man, the suspense is killing us!” Adam pleaded. He had been the most unrelenting with the task to find out where Jay had gone. “Just tell us!” 

“Where I went is my business and my business alone, stop asking. You’re like a needy puppy.”

“Woof,” Adam barked, making the whole unit laugh. 

With the exception of his fight with Will, coming back to Chicago was a lot easier than Jay anticipated. True to his word, in addition to their long, ongoing text messages that lasted the whole day, Jay called Erin every night when he got home to break down his day for her and then she would do the same for him. They were putting in the effort to make their secret, long-distance relationship work and it was paying off. While Jay was able to report that he was finding it easier to maintain his cool and let his teammates back in, Erin confessed that she was now having an easier time making friends with her own team and making more of an effort to get to know the city she now lived in. Both found that following through with maintaining healthy relationships with those around them gave them all the more to talk about and there was not a nightly phone conversation that last less than two hours. 

Erin was proving to be the contributing factor to his improving partnership with Hailey as well. When she found out that Hailey threatened to leave him if he did not take the therapist Voight made him see seriously (she was not privy to the information that he was actually back to seeing his counselor at the veteran’s support center), Erin forced him to make an effort to open up to Hailey more. 

“I need to know that she has your back Jay, she’s good police and I may not have known her long, but she seems like she could be a solid friend,” Erin sharply told him. That was the only strain on their relationship, not really knowing who had the other’s back in the field, a job that each had been tasked with for so long. 

“Fine, fine. I’ll try and talk to her more,” Jay relented. The next day, he pulled her aside and told her that while he was not seeing the police therapist, he was seeing someone. It was a conversation that seemed to break the dam down for them and Jay found himself relying on Hailey more and more as a confidant in the moments he did not have the luxury of calling up Erin to decompress the intensity of a case or the uneasiness he felt with certain perps. 

God, he had no clue how he managed to function as long as he did without Erin. 

“Hey, Jay, we’re heading to Molly’s. Apparently its karaoke night, you in?” Antonio asked, pulling Jay away from his thoughts and back to the present. Glancing at the clock on his desk and seeing that it was only 7:30, Jay figured going for an hour or two wouldn’t hurt. Erin had told him earlier that it was going to be a late night for her team and he missed spending time with everybody outside of work. 

“Yeah, yeah sounds good. Just give me a sec,” Jay agreed. 

A quick twenty minutes later and Jay was sitting at a high top table, beer in hand, watching Adam pitifully singing Cher’s “Do You Believe in Life After Love.” Tears were streaming down his face he was laughing so hard at how ridiculous his brother in arms was and Jay knew that he was not the only one having that reaction. ‘Erin would love this,’ he thought before discreetly taking out his phone and filming Adam breaking out into the song’s chorus. 

Next American Idol, don’t you think?He texted alongside the attachment of the video. Three minutes later, he was surprised to see that she was calling him. Glancing around and then sighing in relief that Antonio, Kim, and Hailey were too caught up in Adam’s performance to pay him any attention, Jay stealthily slipped away and exited the bar. 

“Hey, how’s it going?” He greeted once outside. 

“What the fuck is Adam doing?” Erin managed to say in between howls of laughter. “He sounds like a dying walrus!” Jay couldn’t help but laugh himself at her analogy. 

“I actually think that’s an insult to dying walruses everywhere,” he joked back. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But seriously, what’s going on there?”

“Molly’s has been turned into a karaoke bar for Platt’s birthday. Adam was kind enough to start the night off,” Jay explained. 

“Aw man, that sounds awesome, I wish I was there!” Erin lamented. 

Wanting to avoid the conversation that they always had when one of them wished they were with the other, Jay asked, “Why? So you could stun us all with your hidden musical talents?” 

“HA! You know it,” Erin laughed. 

“That’s what I thought. Tell me, what would the great Erin Lindsay sing?”

“Barbie Girl,” she responded, her tone sounding deadly serious. 

“Oh man, what I wouldn’t pay to see that,” Jay said, trying to conjure up an image in his mind of Erin performing the song for all of the city’s first responders. She would be pleased to know that none came to mind. 

“You gonna get up there and sing?” Erin questioned. 

“Absolutely not. No chance in hell.”

“That’s a shame.” Jay’s jaw twitched at how her voice dropped two octaves. “You are such a great performer.” He cursed the blood in his body that rushed south at the suggestive tone attached to her words. 

“Only for you baby,” he attempted to coolly respond, thankful that she was not around to witness the horny teenager she always managed to turn him into. 

“Aw shit, hang on one second.” Their conversation came to a pause as Jay heard a variety of unknown voices enter his ear ways. “Jay? Babe?” Erin’s voice came back at full volume almost a minute later. 

“Yep, I’m here.”

“Something came up and I gotta go. I’ll try and catch you later.” Who was she kidding, he would be there waiting with his arms raised. 

“Yep, sounds good. Talk to you later.”

“Send me more videos of people singing if you can! They’ll be great blackmail for later!” After promising to do so, Jay hung up and heading back inside. 

Noticing that Adam was finished singing and a firefighter from 51 was performing a half decent version of Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September”, Jay quickly bought himself and his buddy another beer before heading back to the table he was sharing with his friends. 

“Please don’t ever do that again,” Jay jokingly pleaded once he returned to the table and placed the beer in front of Adam. 

“Fuck you man!” Adam laughed, punching Jay lightly in the arm. Rolling his eyes, Jay turned his attention onto the current performer, almost missing the small pull of his leather jacket. Turning his head to the right, he saw Hailey trying to get his attention. 

“Hey, I saw you outside, everything alright?” Jay noticed how concerned she looked, but chose not to question it. 

“Oh yeah, just had a phone call I had to take and knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hear it over Adam’s screeching.” 

“Hey! I heard that!” Adam butted into the conversation. 

“Yeah, man, you were kinda meant to,” Jay chuckled and before he had the chance to put a halt to Hailey’s questions, Platt came over to their table and did it for him. 

“Car Wash or Glory Days?” She had clearly had already surpassed her limit because she did not even make a move to reprimand Adam when he asked what the fuck kind of a song “Car Wash” was. Instead, she took hearing the song name as her answer and then boisterously making her way up to the now empty stage. 

“Oh man, this oughta be good!” Antonio commented while whipping out his phone to record the normally intense desk sergeant. Knowing that Erin would definitely want to have a recording of this, Jay mimicked his friend’s actions. 

Unfortunately, halfway through the first verse, Jay received a text from the very person he was filming for. 

Erin: Hey, obviously will have more information by later tonight but it sounds like I might have to go deep under cover. Wanted to give you a heads up.

Jay stared down at the message trying to process what she was telling him. It had only been two and a half weeks since they got back together and luck must have been on their side because they were allowed to adjust to their long distance status without much interference from work. This undercover work would be their first major test because usually when the word deep was included, that meant that the job would likely last for weeks and not days. 

So lost in his thoughts, he was startled when a sharp pain burst in his arm. Looking over, he saw Hailey thrusting her bony elbow into him to get his attention. 

“Jay, come back!” She lightly said before relaying to him the conversation she just had with Antonio, who was browsing through the song list for something that was not Frank Sinatra to sing.

“I wouldn’t mind hearing a little “Summer Wind.”” The song had actually been one of his mother’s favorite songs to listen to at their nights spent at the cabin and the only song he remembered her listening to that didn’t immediately bring down his mood. He reckoned it was because there were only good memories attached to it. 

“See!” Hailey turned her attention back to Antonio, convinced she just won the argument at Jay’s remark. 

“Halstead, you want to hear it so much, I think you should go up there and sing,” Antonio countered. Just as Jay was about to give a resounding “No way in hell,” another text from Erin dinged in his hand. With all eyes on him now, his coworkers all wanting him to take the stage after Platt, Jay quickly slipped his phone into his pocket.

“Sorry guys, maybe another time. I actually have to head out. See you tomorrow.” And then, before anyone could question him, he got up and strode out of the bar as quickly as he could, totally aware of his blonde partner following him. 

He was just about to his truck when she began shouting at him. “Jay, hey! Jay! Wait up!”

“What’s going on? You’re acting kind of dodgy,” Hailey questioned when she finally reached him. Removing his hand from the truck’s door, Jay tried to do his best to put his mind at ease. 

“Hails, seriously, I’m fine. I’m actually just really exhausted and thought I could power through and last longer than I did but…” He gave a meek shrug and hoped that would be enough to appease her and the inquisition she so clearly wanted to unleash on him. 

“You’re tired?” ‘Yep, she didn’t buy it, but it might be worth it to play along,’ he thought to himself. 

“Exhausted.”

“Who were you on the phone with earlier?”

“A friend.”

“Which friend?” 

“Damn it Hailey, just a friend. What’s with the twenty questions?” Jay burst out, immediately regretting how raised his voice was. “Sorry, sorry. I was just talking to a buddy of mine from the veteran’s group I go to. Look, I really am tired and just want to go home and get some sleep.” 

“Okay, okay. Sorry, I just, after the last two weeks…” Hailey backed off, seemingly accepting his story. 

“I get it and I appreciate your concern, really. Hell, I’d probably be the same way if the situations were reversed. But hey, see you tomorrow?” 

Hailey lightly touched Jay’s arm and squeezed it. “See you tomorrow,” she said softly before walking away. A bit confused by her physical interaction with him, Jay shook his head, got into his truck, and pulled out his phone to read Erin’s text before he made the drive home.

Erin: Hey babe, I’m so sorry but don’t think I will be able to call tonight. Deep cover is a go and I have to stay at work really late to help sort everything out and prepare. Promise I will call you before I go silent. Miss you and I’m sorry. 

Jay’s heart clenched tightly as he read what she had to say. While he was upset that he would not get to talk to her like they had planned, Jay understood that this was her job and he really had no choice but to go along with it. He told her as much in the text that he sent back. 

Don’t be sorry, 100% understand. Text me when you can talk and I will make sure I am around. Try and get some rest tonight. Xx 

After receiving the ‘thumbs up’ emoji she sent back, Jay put the keys into the ignition and made the quick drive back to his apartment. 

Jay went to bed that night completely unaware of the shit that was about to hit the fan tomorrow when the body that was dragged out of the river was identified as Kevin Bingham’s.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I kind of mesh together a large chunk of season 5 and I just want it to be known that I took some creative liberties with what happened, mostly in regards to conversations between characters. This was mostly due to the fact that I do not have episodes memorized and do not have easy access to them all to go back and reference. Just wanted to give a warning about this so you all weren't getting halfway through and wondering what was going on and why some things are noticeably different. 
> 
> Also, I just want to take a quick moment to thank everyone who has been reading this and letting me know what they think! I really appreciate it and love hearing what you all have to say! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

It was unnerving for Jay to see the usually relaxed Alvin Olinsky tensely standing up right and the sharp twitch that took over Hank Voight’s body at least twice during each of the times Jay dared to glance in their direction. 

After the news was delivered that Kevin Bingham’s body was pulled from the river, Voight and Al announced that they were not to be disturbed before locking themselves in Voight’s office. That had been almost forty minutes ago and Jay could feel the tension amongst the team rise with each tick of the clock on the wall. 

He knew that they were speculating once more about what had happened all those months ago. Hell, even he was and he had been privy to more information than any of the rest of them, being one of the three people who truly knew what had happened that rainy night at the Silos. He would never forget just how utterly broken Erin was that night, sobbing over the loss of her brother and in fear for her father. But that knowledge was not enough to stop him from speculating alongside his colleagues about what went down after the Voight killed Bingham. 

While Jay definitely had his suspicions, Erin was a closed book to what took place after she left Hank watching Bingham digging his own grave. He knew that Erin was loyal to a fault to the man who pulled her out of the death march she was on at fifteen and he knew that Erin felt some need to repay him for that. “Nothing I do ever seems to be enough,” she had murmured to him one night while they were curled up on the couch at her apartment talking in detail just how Voight had come to take her from Bunny. “How can I ever repay him for my life?” Jay had no answers then and he could not deny the uneasy feeling he got when no body had been dug up at the Silos; had that been her repayment? He saved her from a premature death and she saved him from a second, most like permanent prison sentence? She never provided any hints and, as they got caught up in their own lives and problems, the question slowly faded from his mind. 

Until now. 

Before his mind had the opportunity to produce a number of scenarios, each of them a probable explanation for how Bingham’s body ended up in the river, Jay felt a vibrating sensation against his leg. He knew before even looking that it was a text from Erin. 

Talk in an hour?She texted. 

Jay wasted no time to respond. Absolutely. His thumbs hovered over his phone’s keyboard as his mind internally debated whether or not he should say something about Bingham. The decision was made rather quickly when his wandering eyes caught Al and Voight now talking to someone on the phone and instinct told him that it was Erin.

A whole new set of questions came to mind as he watched Voight and Al get more animated by the second, obviously in some sort of disagreement with both each other and the person on the phone. If his instincts were right and it was Erin, Jay did not want to think about what she was saying that would cause the two old-timers to lose their cool. 

Unfortunately (or thankfully), neither of their voices carried beyond the closed doors, thus leaving the remaining members of the Intelligence Unit in the dark. ‘As it should be,’ Jay thought. Maybe it was the knowledge that he would at least get some answers out of Erin that caused him to think this way, but the protective side of Jay did not want anyone to have any more details than what they already knew. The last thing Erin needs is for their questions and their uncanny abilities to find answers follow her all the way back to New York. 

Voight’s hands slamming down on his desk in frustration was the first sound to breach the bullpen and it was so harsh and sudden that everyone but Jay (who had been following Voight’s movements) jumped. 

“What do you think is going on in there?” Adam questioned in a loud whisper. 

“Nothing good bro, nothing good,” Kevin answered at the same volume. 

“They did it, right? Killed Bingham? I remember hearing about it when I was with my old team,” Hailey chimed in. 

“Al was with us that night, he didn’t do anything.” Jay was thankful Adam did not mention Erin’s lacking presence at the abandoned house Voight had sent them to.

“But he still could have helped move the body the next day,” Hailey pushed. Jay knew that it was just out of curiosity, but he did not like how she was treating the situation like it was the juiciest gossip of the year. 

“Maybe, who knows. I will say, the less we know the better,” Antonio chimed in. Jay could not agree more and made his sentiments known. 

“I think what happens at the Silos stays at the Silos and the reason we know shit is because Voight wants it that way. The less that’s out there, the less chance he or we have at getting in trouble and losing our badges,” he said. 

“Jay, shit man, I didn’t even think! You were dating Erin at the time! You must know something! Come on man, tell us,” Adam grilled, his eyes lighting up at the major breakthrough he thought he had. Jay’s eyes closed and he pinched the bridge above his nose in annoyance. When he opened them, he was all too aware of Hailey’s eyes on him, clearly shocked over the news of his relationship with Erin. 

In accordance to maintaining professionalism at work, along with the fact that they were broken up, neither Jay or Erin thought to inform Hailey about their complicated lives outside of work on the account of her still being an outsider. When Erin left and Hailey took over her role as Jay’s partner, it was too difficult for him to even think about his relationship with Erin, let alone talk about it. He just figured that one of the guys or Kim would fill her in, but clearly, if the shock on her face was anything to go by, they did not.

“I know as much as you do,” Jay lied. Adam looked like he wanted to say more and Hailey looked like she wanted to ask a whole set of completely unrelated questions to the Bingham case, but the loud sound of flesh hitting wood put a halt to the conversation. 

“Whew, whatever is going on doesn’t sound like it’s going to be good,” Kevin whistled. Seconds later, Voight came storming out of his office, pausing only to yell, “Get to work!” at everyone before bounding down the stairs. Al meandered out not too long after so silently that only Jay caught onto his movements. He wanted nothing more than to pull Al aside and press him for information, but the feel of another text message coming in prevented him from acting on his desires. 

Erin:Can you talk now? 

Give me fifteen minutes to get away. Bullpen is kind of crazy at the moment.

Erin: I bet. Talk to you soon. 

So he was right, it had been Erin on the phone. That little tidbit of information told Jay all that he needed to know and a clear picture was beginning to form in his mind as to how Bingham ended up in the river. 

“Guys, I’m gotta step out for a bit. Text me if you need me,” Jay announced, getting up from his desk and quickly tossing his jacket on.

“Where you going brother?” Kevin asked. The rest of the unit voiced similar questions, not that Jay could blame them. First Adam mentioned how Jay might know something because he was dating Erin, then Voight storms out, and not even three minutes later Jay was leaving with hardly any explanation. If Jay was in any of their places, he would definitely be seeking out answers too. 

“A buddy of mine just texted asking if I wanted to meet for lunch. Said I would since we don’t have a case right now. I’ll be back within the hour or so unless I hear otherwise.” And then, before anyone could get another word in, Jay briskly exited the bullpen and did not stop to talk to anyone as he made his way down to his truck in roll up. 

Once he was in his car, Jay wasted no time sticking the keys into the ignition and beginning his drive to his favorite spot by the lake that was thankfully only minutes away from the district. 

After he pulled into a parking spot, Jay turned off his truck and called Erin. 

“Hey,” Erin answered after a single ring. “I hear it’s been a crazy morning.”

“Yeah, that’s one word to describe it,” Jay commented. “Look, I don’t want to push but if there is anything that I need to know or that you want to tell me, well, now would be a great time to fill me in.” Jay hoped the desperation in his voice was not so obvious. 

Erin was silent for a few seconds, clearly thinking over what she wanted to tell him. Jay tried not to get too excited that she did not flat out refuse his request. “I think you’re smart enough to figure it out Jay,” Erin relented. “Do I really have to spell it out for you?” 

Jay closed his eyes and exhaled deeply at what her words implied. “You moved the body didn’t you? You and Al? That night when you cancelled on me for dinner?”

“Yes,” Erin squeaked. 

“Okay, okay.” There was no time to dwell on what she did. It happened and there was no changing that and by God if what she did provided her some relief from her desire for compensation, then so be it. Jay had to move on from that because it was time to focus on the present now, a present that could bring Erin’s future a whole lot of trouble. 

“Please tell me you, Voight, and Al came up with some kind of plan. That that was what you were all arguing about,” Jay pleaded. 

“We did…kinda.” 

“What do you mean kinda? Erin, please trust me with this.” This would be the ultimate test of their time in New York; would she trust him enough to finally let him into a side of her he never had access to before? The side of her that was bound to Hank Voight and no one else?

“My name will stay out of it. I’ve already been run out of Chicago and now, as a member of the FBI, I have their protection.” Erin let out a shuddering breath. “Even then, Hank and Al are in agreement that they will keep my name out of it, whatever the cost.” Jay could tell by her tone that she was not pleased with their little pack, but he was unable to stop the relief he felt at her words. Erin was safe and it most likely will remain that way. 

“Jay,” Erin continued before he was able to share his thoughts with her. “Promise me that you will watch out for them. Please, pleasedon’t let them do anything stupid.” It was a pointless ask, he knew it and she knew it. Hank Voight and Alvin Olinsky marched to the beat of their own drum that even God would have a hard time switching the tune. 

“Er, babe, I will do my best but…but you and I both know that Voight and Al write their own narratives and will not listen to me,” Jay said gently. 

“I know, you’re right, I just…Jay, they’re my family and with me going under tonight…” Erin trailed off, presenting Jay with the opportunity to change the subject. 

“Tonight? Do you know for how long?” 

“I don’t know, a couple weeks at least.” She admitted, the time frame not what Jay had been hoping to hear…at all. 

“Wow, uh, that long, huh?” It took more effort than he cared to admit to keep his voice even. 

“I know Jay, it’s gonna suck. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” Guilt immediately flooded Jay when he heard how dejected Erin sounded. 

“Don’t be sorry Er, I get it. This is your job. I’m just going to miss you, that’s all,” Jay said, trying to relieve her of the sorrow and conflict she was obviously feeling.

“I’ll try and call you whenever I can manage,” Erin said. “But, I can’t make any promises.” 

“What are you going under as?” Jay no longer wanted to talk about how they most likely would not have any contact for an extended period of time. 

When Erin remained silent, Jay asked his question again, despite the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, her silence a clear indicator that he was not going to like the answer. 

“A, uh, a prostitute. We’re trying to infiltrate this huge sex trafficking ring that is based in the city. Actually,” Erin added promptly before Jay could get a word in. “We’re partnering up with Olivia and her team so at least I have a friendly face looking out for me. That’s gotta count for something, right?” The knowledge of Olivia’s involvement did make Jay feel a little better about the identity Erin had been ordered to presume—not enough though. 

“Yeah, yeah…any chance you could have her check in with me about how you’re doing? Please?” Jay had so much more that he wanted to say on her going under as a prostitute, but he knew all too well that sometimes, that was just the nature of the job; Erin couldn’t exactly walk away and say no just because he didn’t like the role that she was given. So, he said what he knew had a chance to pan out in his favor and that was that Olivia keep him updated. If he knew the SVU sergeant at all, he had nothing to worry about. She would not only watch over Erin, but would also keep him in the loop.

“Yeah, I’ll see what I can do.” Neither said anything for almost a minute, their minds needing the time to process the severity of the two conversations that they just had. 

“So, uh…how was the rest of karaoke last night?” Erin asked, breaking the silence. “I still can’t get over that ridiculous video of Adam.” The thought of their friend performing brought bits of laughter from the each of them and almost instantly the mood was lightened. 

“I didn’t stay too long but man, don’t kill me after I tell you this, but Platt performed “Car Wash” and I am pretty sure my life has been made.”

“Jay!” Erin exclaimed. “You didn’t send me the video! What the hell man?” 

“Well, the text you sent about the undercover assignment interrupted the video I was trying to take and then distracted me from filming the rest. I’m pretty positive Antonio got a good chunk of it though so I’ll see if I can get it from him and then send it your way,” Jay offered, hoping it would be enough to appease her. 

“You better!” Erin exclaimed. The couple then fell into an easy, back-and-forth banter for the rest of their conversation.

Before Jay knew it, it was time for him to get back to the station because he had been gone for much longer than the hour he said he would be. 

“Babe, I hate to say it, but I have to head back to the district,” Jay announced despite his wishes to remain in his car, looking out at the surprisingly calm water, and talking to his girl. 

“Yeah, I probably should get back to work to, finish making sure all the details for the undercover are set,” Erin admitted. Oh yeah, the undercover assignment that would take her away from him for a month or more. Jay tried his best to squelch the bitterness he began feeling at thought, but was failing miserably. Not that he would ever let Erin know that though…

“Listen, be safe alright? And come back in one piece?” Jay requested. “And please try and convince Olivia to keep me updated? It’s going to drive me crazy not knowing,” he added before she could get a word in. 

“Of course Jay. To all of that. I’ll talk to you when I can, okay?” Jay was ashamed to admit how grateful he felt that she did not bring up him watching over Voight and Al again. 

“I lo…look forward to it. Be safe. Talk to you soon.” Jay wanted to punch himself for his lack of control over the words that came out of his mouth. Over the phone was nothow he wanted to tell Erin that he loved her for the first time in their new relationship. 

After Erin relayed back similar comments, the two ended the last conversation that they would have for who knows how long. Since he was already late, Jay figured a few more minutes by the water would not hurt. Deciding to get out of his car and walk around for a bit, Jay made his way over to Mexican food, which just so happened to be his favorite, to get some lunch. 

Burrito in hand, he sat down on a nearby bench, eyes following the water’s current as he brought the first bite of food up to his mouth. Of all the places to move the damn body to, they just had to pick the river that gets dredged every few weeks. A small part of him was thoroughly disappointed at the originality. The larger part of him was doing everything that it could to not go into panic mode. The body had been found and what he refused to believe about Erin’s involvement had been the truth all along. It brought him little to no comfort to know that Voight and Al were determined to keep her name out of the mess that they were now caught in. How far would they have to go to keep up their pact? If Jay knew anything about Chicago and about the pair, too far was the correct answer. Jay’s anxiety began to increase as he heard Erin’s words repeat over and over in his head. 

“Promise me that you will watch out for them. Please, please don’t let them do anything stupid.”

He may not have agreed to take on the task, but he did tell her that he would do his best to keep them out of harm’s way, a task he knew would land him in the river himself if either man found out. It was no secret that the upper brass wanted to rid CPD of Hank Voight and Jay feared that this was finally the big break they had been looking for all along. There was no running from this and Jay knew that, no matter how hard he tried, there was no stopping what had been set into motion the second the body had been identified. Jay just hoped Erin would be able to forgive him if (most likely when) things went sideways and one, or both of them, ended up in a non-escapable cell.

“Fuck,” Jay grumbled as he shoved the last of his burrito into his mouth. The whole situation was a waiting game and Jay prayed with every fiber of his being that Voight and Al had a good hand. He really did not want to have to worry about them when his girlfriend was going dark in a few hours as a prostitute. 

// 

Three and a half weeks later found Jay feeling the pressures of everything weighing him down. Without a word from Erin and only a single update from Olivia, Jay struggled through the long days and hard cases all while watching the decline in Al’s and Voight’s relationship as the ongoing investigation into each of them backed them slowly and tightly into a dark corner. 

With no clue on how the investigation was even going, everyone in the unit was walking on eggshells around their boss and his partner in crime (literally). 

Then, to make matters worse, his own partner placed herself into a deep undercover assignment to take out Ron Booth, a man who Jay was angered to learn beat Hailey so badly he nearly killed her. Jay’s irritation grew as he watched from the sidelines as Hailey played a dangerous game with the older man that clearly had some sick obsession with her. It was as if all of the advice and criticism she had given Jay while he was involved with the Vargas siblings did not apply to her, which was a shame because in retrospect, it was very good advice. And when he told her as much, she shrugged him off and acted like he was merely trying to sell her life insurance she neither needed nor wanted. It was infuriating and reminded him so much of Erin in certain cases during their partnership that he found himself longing for her more than ever. 

“You ready for this?” Hailey asked tensely as they waited in the deserted parking garage for Booth to arrive to make what would be his final deal. Jay looked over at his partner in the passenger seat and studied her face. It was so tense, too tense, and Jay deflected her question by asking one of his own. 

“Are you Hails?” She looked over at him and attempted to smile. Unfortunately for her, the smile was as tense as her face and Jay knew then and there that he had to be on his toes for the both of them. Internally cursing her for putting him in a situation where he not only had to worry about the perp they were trying to take down, but also his partner’s ability to get the deal done without giving them away, Jay sighed deeply and asked his question again. “Hailey, are you sure you’re good? Because if not, I am going to turn the truck back on and drive away right now.” 

“NO!” Hailey shouted. “You can’t! We have to nail him. He…he’s done too much. We have to nail him. I’m good, I swear. I got this. We can’t pull out now.” Her desperation was so noticeable Jay’s heart couldn’t help but go out to her. While it may not seem like it, he understood just what she was feeling. Ron Booth was to her what Gregory Yates was to Erin. Both had taken something from the female detectives that they would struggle for the rest of their lives to gain back. The least they could do was catch them and take them off the streets for good.

So, Jay chose to ignore the caution flags his mind kept flashing at him and sit tight and wait. Maybe his trepidation was the result of him noticing the similarities to Erin’s innate need to throw caution to the wind and go after Yates herself. Anytime he thought of the bastard that took Nadia from him, from Erin, Jay’s insides went funny and his sense were momentarily thrown into high gear. 

“Here he comes,” Hailey murmured, her blue eyes intently trained on the black truck Booth was pulling up in. 

“It’ll be over soon. We got this Hails,” Jay tried to say as confidently as he could. 

“Showtime,” was all Hailey said in response. The two got out of Jay’s truck, leaving behind their identities as detectives Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton in place of the identities of Ryan and Kelly. 

As much as he was afraid for Hailey and her capability of keeping it together, Jay also should have been a bit more concerned about himself because ultimately, it was him who blew their cover. Watching Booth inappropriately feel up Hailey triggered a defense mechanism in him that had him instinctively reaching for his gun, which Booth’s nephew had noticed. The smirk Booth gave him just before running off made Jay realize that he had been stupid enough to fall for his tricks. He should have known better, simple as that. 

Wanting nothing more than to run after Hailey to make sure Booth didn’t get the drop on her again, Jay quickly checked the nephew’s pulse, sent up a quick prayer when he found none, and then sprinted in the direction that his blonde partner had taken off in. 

He heard them before he found them. Well, he didn’t hear them per say, he heard the sound of grunts mixed in with flesh pounding on flesh. It was a sound that pushed his legs to move faster, fear for Hailey driving him to want to get to them as quickly as possible. She may have gotten on his nerves from time to time, but she was still his partner, still his friend. He had come to care about her in the proper way that a partner should care about their partner: feelings deeper than friendship that came with the ultimate trust of placing one’s life in the hands of another but never crossing the line into romance. 

“Hailey! Hailey, stop! You got him, it’s done, you got him,” Jay exclaimed when he stumbled upon the scene of Hailey beating the life out of Booth. Crouching down, Jay gently placed his hands underneath her armpits and pulled her off of the criminal that had caused her so much pain. He knew what she was doing, knew that she wanted to hurt him the way that he had hurt her, but Jay also knew that in order for her to bounce back from this, she had to stop while she still could. In a brief moment, Jay was painfully reminded of how much guilt and pain Erin carried around in the weeks that followed the fatal shot she delivered to end Yates life. It was a pain Jay knew that Erin could ultimately handle; it was not a pain that he knew for certain Hailey would be able to withstand. 

“I hope you rot,” Hailey spat before stepping back so that Jay could cuff the bleeding and beaten man. For Hailey’s sake, he made sure to act extra rough and tightened the cuffs as tightly as he possible could. 

Just before he marched Booth back to the truck so that they could bring him to the station, Jay stopped and faced Hailey. Eyes trained on hers, he said in a strong and steady voice, “It’s over.” She would never have to deal with Ron Booth ever again and he wanted to make sure that, without a doubt, she knew that. Hailey simply nodded and followed him quietly to his truck, Jay completely oblivious to the smile that was beginning to form on her face as she watched him march Booth away. 

//

Eyes trained on his phone, Jay debated whether or not he should proceed with his nightly plans. 

Olivia Benson: Expect a call from Erin later tonight. Don’t have an exact time, but be ready and be prepared. 

The text was ominous and Jay was unable to stop all of the horrible scenarios that kept coming to mind. Olivia had given him no context whatsoever and that worried him above all else. He knew that the undercover gig was not over, Erin would have just called herself if it was. No, something had happened, or was happening, and it was bad enough that her superiors were letting her break character and reach out to Jay for help. 

Staring up at Hailey’s house, Jay reasoned that he would not be long and he should accomplish what he had driven out of his way to do. After the night that she had, if Jay learned one thing from his time with Erin, it was that Hailey should not be left alone with her thoughts. The mind was a dark place and Erin’s experiences, as well as his own, warned him that his partner was at risk for suffering the same fates as them if he did not interfere now. 

Of course, that did not mean that Jay was going to go into her home unprepared for Erin’s call. As he walked up her walkway, he turned his ringer on as loud as it would go so that if she were to call while he was still with Hailey, he would not miss it. 

Upon seeing the sight of Hailey when she finally cracked open the door, Jay realized that he had made the right choice. His usually upbeat partner looked so utterly defeated, completely beaten down by the current hand life had dealt her with her hair hanging limply and bruises covering the entire left side of her face. 

“Well, Platt offered to buy shots, which is a once-in-a-decade thing so you might want to reconsider,” he informed her when she shot down his initial invite to go to Molly’s with the team. 

“I just want to be alone—”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” Jay announced as he pushed his way past her and into her home despite there being no invite. 

It was the first time he had ever been to her home and with a quick glance around, Jay was unable to stop the thought of how this was the kind of place he imagined he and Erin might one day move into. ‘Their stop where she maybe had a kid or two before they moved into a house closer to the suburbs with a bigger yard,’ he thought just before his eyes caught sight of the half-empty bottle of tequila open on the kitchen island. 

“Pour me a glass?” It was both a question and a demand, he would let her interpret it whichever way she wanted. “It’s never good to drink alone.” Again, his mind immediately took over and wasted no time in reminding him of the time Al had come to see him when everyone believed he had murdered Lonnie Rodiger. Al had told him almost exactly the same thing before ridiculing his selection of drinkware. God Al…he was in so much trouble and anger flooded Jay as he recalled that he and Voight decided to just let the situation with Bingham’s body play out, even now that they had found Al’s DNA on the body and a witness had come forward stating how they believed it was Al and an unidentified female that they saw dump the body into the river. 

The sound of a glass sliding his way interrupted the memory and the inevitable anger that came with his afternote thoughts. 

“I thought it would feel better than this,” Hailey confessed before Jay even had the chance to question her. Jay looked at her, immense sympathy in his eyes, after hearing her confession. Erin had said the exact same thing after she killed Yates. Except, instead of telling him over minimally filled glasses of tequila, she told him in a post coital haze. Jay’s eyes acted on their own accord and darkened at the memory. 

Unbeknownst to Jay, Hailey noticed.

“Seriously, you don’t have to watch over me, I am fine,” she muttered over the short silence that fell between them. 

“Yeah I do, you’re my partner. But I should warn you, I am expecting a call tonight and I don’t know when so I apologize in advance if my phone rings and I suddenly bolt out of here.”

“You’ve been taking a lot of phone calls lately,” she observed. Despite her statement not being entirely true since Erin had slipped into the shadowy world of prostitutes and sex rings, Jay chose to indulge her desire to get the conversation away from her and the events of the night.

Twirling the glass of tequila in his hand, Jay watched the liquid contents swirl around for a moment before answering. “At the uh, group meetings that I go to, everyone gets paired up with someone every two months. Ya know, like a, uh, sponsor of sorts I guess, but for each other. To keep us accountable with going and providing us someone to talk to outside of the center.” The lie fell from Jay’s lips much easier than the sip of tequila he took before continuing went down. “The guy I got paired with just got back and I feel bad calling him needy, but he’s having a really hard time adjusting to being back. So, I told him to call whenever he needed to and, as you have noticed, he took me up on the offer.” Jay was relieved to feel the small bubble of shame floating up inside of him; the lie may have been necessary, but that didn’t mean he had to feel good about it. 

Now, he just needed to remember it since Hailey seemed to have bought every word he said. 

“I’m proud of you for sticking out the therapy and stuff. Everyone can tell that it’s been good for you.” Jay nodded at her words, not really wanting to talk about therapy and what it was doing for him. ‘It’s your own fucking fault, you’re the one who brought it up in the first place,’ his mind taunted. 

“If I had known threatening to leave you partner-less would have given you the kick in the ass you so clearly needed to pull your shit together, I would have done it a lot sooner,” Hailey continued, oblivious to how Jay’s brows crunched together and how he was physically biting his tongue to stop himself from shouting that it was Erin who gave him the kick in the ass he needed, not her threat. The only thing that her threat gave him was a tongue lashing from Erin and the realization that he needed to make more of an effort to be friendly to the woman who was tasked with having his back. 

Tasting blood in his mouth from biting his tongue too hard, Jay just nodded while he wracked his brain for anything else to talk about. Both luckily and unfortunately for him, Hailey already found a new topic to move onto. 

“So, do you really not know what happened with Voight, Lindsay, Olinsky, and Bingham?” She asked, genuine curiosity lighting up her previously dull eyes. ‘Of all the fucking topics…’ Jay thought bitterly.

“No, I don’t. All I know is that I went to the house that Voight told us to go to and Bingham wasn’t there and neither was Voight,” he reiterated. 

“Neither was Lindsay,” Hailey added the second Jay’s sentence ended. “Adam told me after you left for lunch.” Fuck you Ruzek. Fucking you and your fucking big mouth. 

“No, we got there before she did and I called her to tell her that no one was at the house,” Jay explained slowly, choosing his words very carefully. “We met up at the district.” Over an hour later, but Jay didn’t add that part in. 

“Why didn’t you guys tell me that you used to date? Was it because of Voight’s no dating rule? Wait no, it couldn’t have been, everyone knew about it. Why didn’t you tell me?” Hailey actually sounded upset that she was not privy to that information. 

“We broke up before you came into the unit. I don’t know, didn’t think to mention it since our personal lives were kept separate from work. And then when she left, I don’t know, didn’t see the need to mention it.” Jay was beginning to feel very uncomfortable. He had come here with the purpose of being a supportive partner and helping Hailey through what had been a very difficult night; he did not come to talk about the past and Erin. 

“Look Hails—” A loud chiming medley interrupted whatever bullshit excuse he was about to give her so that he could leave before things got even more awkward for him.

Erin…

Jay comically struggled to pull his phone from the clutches of his coat pocket and press the answer button, not even bothering to check the caller id. 

“Hello?” He said, his voice sounding oddly winded, as if the struggle to get the phone from his coat pocket to his ear was equivalent to him running a 5k. 

“J-Jay?” Erin’s soft, stuttering voice said into his ear. 

“Yeah, it’s me. Hang on one second. Just one second,” Jay pleaded as he looked up to Hailey and gestured with his free hand that he was leaving. He caught a small glimpse of her baffled face before he broke into a sprint out of her house. 

“Is it a b-bad ti-time?” Erin questioned as he fumbled with his car door. 

“NO!” By the way he cringed at how loud his voice sounded, he could only imagine how Erin reacted to it, especially given the obvious state of distress that she was in. “No babe, now is the perfect time.” He spoke much softer this time, as if he was speaking to a sick baby animal. “I’ve missed you so much.” 

Jay’s expression of his feelings was met with heart wrenching sobs that caused Jay to go into a state of great concern. 

“Erin, sweetheart, what’s wrong? Talk to me please.” Jay’s original intention was to drive away from the spot in front of Hailey’s house that he had parked in, but concern for Erin prevented him from doing any such thing. Jay was well aware of Hailey watching him from her front window, no doubt out of curiosity as to who he was talking to and why he wasn’t leaving. 

“Tell me what I have to live for Jay, please tell me,” Erin sobbed out, each of her words piercing Jay’s heart in a different place. What was going on? What was she talking about?

“So, so much Erin. You have so much to live for. Baby, please talk to me, you’re scaring me.” Now it was Jay’s voice that had begun wavering. Fear had overtaken him and he did not have the mind to even try and stop the slight shake that had infiltrated his hands. 

“The gig, what the group wants me to do, what they have had me do,” Erin began explaining in between each of her cries. “I can’t do it anymore Jay, I can’t get sucked back into this life, the drugs, the parties, I can’t do it. I just can’t. But I need to and Olivia says I am so close and that I just need a moment to clear my head and be reminded of the good things in my life and she said I could find a payphone and call you and so that’s what I’m doing I’m calling you and I just, I need you to tell me—” Erin’s rambling was broken off by her body’s necessity for air. Tears began to form in Jay’s eyes as he listened to her plead with him for help. What kind of operation were they running in New York? She clearly couldn’t continue, not if the work had put her on her ledge and was threatening to push her over. 

“Erin, babe, calm down. You will be okay. You will overcome this. You HAVE to overcome this! For yourself, for me, for us. You are strong, so, so incredibly strong and you can beat this, you can beat the temptation. And if you find yourself slipping, just know that I will be in New York in a heartbeat and will be by your side every step of the way throughout your recovery.” Jay paused, readying himself to say the next line that needed to be said, despite his desire to wait until the opportune moment when they were physically with one another. “Erin, I love you. I love you so much and I will always love you, no matter what.” 

It was the first time he had said the words since he had said them to Camilla. Unlike the last time, there was no bitter taste of vomit left in his mouth; instead, his body felt lighter, as if it had finally transcended into the peace it had been waiting to find. Regretting that he did not get to say them in a much more grand way, Jay did not, for one second, regret saying those words to Erin Lindsay. How could he when he meant them with every fiber of his body? Most importantly, how could he regret saying them when his words seemed to have done the trick and pulled her from the hysterical state that she was in?

“Jay Halstead, I love you too. So fucking much. God, I’m sorry I probably sound like a lunatic right now, don’t I?” There was still a slight shake to her tone, but Jay hardly noticed. She loved him back. Erin loved him. They were in love. Jay was not ashamed over how giddy the thought made him feel. 

“Don’t apologize, never apologize to me,” Jay gently reprimanded. “Now please tell me, what is going on Er? For real, are you okay?” He heard her suck in a deep breathe before she provided him with all of the gory details of her undercover assignment, making sure to leave nothing out. 

“The more connected I become, the more awful it gets,” she lamented, totally unaware of just how tightly Jay was holding onto his steering wheel; it was the only thing he could think to do so that he would not start throwing punches against his car’s interior while she talked.

“Why won’t they pull you out? You shouldn’t have to go through this,” Jay gritted out, his anger for her superiors blinding. How could they have just thrown her to the wolves with no protection whatsoever? “I thought you said Olivia was watching over you? I can’t imagine that she would be okay with this.” 

“We are so, so close to catching them Jay, so close. Everyone wants this crew so badly and I am their best shot at finally getting them,” Erin explained. “I can’t get pulled now, I don’t want to get pulled now.” 

“Erin, come on! Did you not just beg me to remind you of all the things you have to live for?” Jay exclaimed. Deep down, he knew he should have known better…this was Erin Lindsay that he was talking to after all. 

“Yeah…yeah, I know. I have seen such awful, awful stuff Jay, I just…well, I just needed a reminder of my life outside of this hell I am in. Oh, hang on,” Erin rushed out. “I need to put in some more quarters, one sec…”

Jay closed his eyes and mentally willed his pounding heart to slow down before it dared him to do something that he knew he shouldn’t. ‘Like go to New York,’ his mind tempted. 

“Okay, all set.” Erin’s voice interrupted before he could entertain the idea. “So, what’s been going on with you? I need to talk about something else, think about something else.” She continued. 

“Uh, not much. Just doing what I always do, kicking down doors and taking names.” Pride filled Jay when he heard that laugh that he solicited out of Erin with his mention of the unit’s unofficial description of itself. 

“Yeah? Take on any good cases lately?” Her question immediately elicited from him a long, drawn out summary of the Booth case. 

“Geez, and I thought I was the only one having undercover problems,” Erin commented when he concluded. Jay huffed out a bit of a laugh in response. 

“Hey Jay,” Erin suddenly sounded tentative. It was as if she did not want the answer to the question she was going to ask anyway. “How uh, how are things with Hank and Al? And the, uh, case?” Jay rubbed his hand up over his face and through his hair. After hearing all of her personal struggles with her own case, he did not want to give her another thing on her already filled plate to worry about. “Please tell me,” Erin continued, as if reading Jay’s thoughts from hundreds of miles away.

“They found Al’s DNA on the body and supposedly there was a witness that saw you to,” Jay unwillingly revealed. “But I’m not so sure that the witness is a credible one. I don’t know Er, we are all pretty much being left in the dark about it.” 

“Someone saw us?” Erin asked hoarsely. 

“Supposedly,” Jay answered. “It has been made clear that your involvement is not something IA is interested in looking into.” As if that will make the situation any better. 

“Damn it. Jay, why does everything always have to be so complicated?” Erin beseeched.

“I don’t know babe, I don’t know.” Jay wished more than anything that he could give her a more substantial answer, but when he was in New York, he vowed to never lie to her again. He truly did not know why nothing in Erin’s life could be easy and it killed him that he was just a helpless bystander watching her do everything she possibly could to make it over all of the hurtles life placed in her journey forward. 

“Want to hear some good news?” Erin asked, clearly desperate to shift the conversation in another direction. 

“More than anything,” Jay answered, curious as to what she was going to say. How could there be any good news with all of the shit she was enduring at the moment?

“I was going to wait and tell you when I had more information, but due to the heaviness of this cover and the amount therapy sessions I will no doubt have to go through before I return to work once the case finally closes, there is talk that I might be able to get out of my contract early.” Well, that was not what he had been expecting, but that just made him all the more happier at the news. Did it mean what he thought it did? That her equating an early contract termination to good news meant she wanted to come home?

“Is that what you want? To get out?” Jay asked tentatively, not wanting to get his hopes up too much in case he was reading too deeply into her words. 

“I just, I don’t think that this is what I want to do anymore,” Erin sighed, signifying to Jay that this was not a decision she was taking lightly. “I love that I am helping people, but, at what cost to my own life and happiness? Jay, I can’t take any more cases like the one I am in now. I can’t keep up these covers and risk my health time and time again. And uh, well, I obviously talked to Olivia before I called you and basically had the same…the same breakdown that I had with you and she, uh, she gave me some ideas of ways that I could still help people and not put my life in danger while doing so.” 

Jay remained silent longer than he probably should have as he took in what she was telling him. Erin Lindsay not a cop…Jay almost couldn’t imagine it. Being a part of the force was a huge part of who she was and now she wanted to walk away from all of that? 

“I will support you no matter what you decide,” Jay finally said. It was the truth, she had his undying support forever and nothing was going to break it. 

Erin ignored his comment and instead said something that absolutely stunned Jay. “I want a life with you Jay Halstead, so badly. I didn’t think I did, even when we were together, I always thought that something would get in the way of our future together.” Her voice paused and when it resumed seconds later, it was raspier than ever. “But the one thing that has kept me sane in this mess that I am in is this image of me and you with a dog and…and a kid. Being thrust into a life with girls who have absolutely nothing, well, it’s making me realize that I have an out none of them have access to. I have a chance at the life I hear these girls lament over and I realize that I want it so badly and I want it with you.”

Was he hearing her right? Commitment phobia Erin Lindsay wanted a life, a family with him, Jay Halstead? It was an image Jay had forced himself to tamper down over the years because he had a feeling that Erin would flee the second she caught wind of it. But now, for her to be the one reaching out to him, confessing to him her desires for the two of them to be a part of a family together? It seemed almost too good to be true.

“Jay, say something, please,” Erin begged, snapping him out of the daze that her words caused him to slip into. 

“I,” Jay’s voice cracked. “I want nothing more. Seriously.” 

“Yeah?” It was almost heartbreaking to hear how scared Erin sounded, how desperately she needed him to reassure her that her wishes were not just some fantasy that would never come true. 

“Yes, absolutely.” The words were firmly spoken. After all that they had been through, they definitely deserved their happily ever after and Jay mentally prepared himself to do whatever it took to make sure that they got it. He would not let her down, not when she had come this far already and could see the potentiality of a life she once feared above all else.


	7. Chapter 7

It was amazing how much of an impact a single shake of the head could have on the human mind and body. As Jay watched with tear filled eyes as his boss confirmed that Alvin Olinksy did not make it out of surgery alive, his entire body went completely numb and his mind succumbed to that soul-crushing anguish that, in another lifetime, he knew all too well. The last time he felt a pain like this was nearly ten years ago when he found out that he and Mouse were the only two survivors of their unit after the convoy explosion. 

Jay thought that this pain was behind him, that never would have to feel it’s tight grip ever embrace him again. How wrong he was. 

Watching Kim hunched over, the weight of her grief so obviously too much to bear, and Platt fall back into her seat, clearly in shock and disbelief at the news that had just been relayed to her, was the tipping point for Jay. Not wanting to—but also unable to—watch the scene before him for another second, he tore out of the room as fast as his legs would allow. He was almost to the doors leading out of the ED when a strong grip clasped onto his upper arm and pulled tight enough to spin him around. 

Will. 

“Jay, man, hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on?” His older brother questioned as Jay tried to summon as much strength as he could to escape his brother and get out of the place where his colleague, where his friend, had just died. 

“Let me go man, just let me go!” Jay cried out, his voice sounding faint and distant and not entirely as forceful as Jay would have liked for it to be. 

“Not until you tell me what the hell is going on,” Will gritted out as he grabbed ahold of Jay’s other arm and pulled him like into the nearest empty observation room that he could find. 

“Talk to me Jay,” Will pushed gently as he maneuvered Jay’s body over to the patient table and pressed down on his shoulders so that he would sit down. Jay knew that he was freaking his brother out with his actions; he was not there when Jay came home and was left to deal with the grief of his deceased friends. Will had no clue how Jay got, this was entirely new territory for him. “Buddy, what’s going on?” Will continued anxiously. 

“Al died,” Jay reluctantly managed to say because saying it out loud made it all too real. Al died. Al was dead. That was real. That had just happened. 

“What?” The disbelief in his brother’s voice zapped all of the numbness and pain out of him and replaced them both with anger. 

“Alvin Olinsky! Detective Alvin Olinksy! He’s DEAD! HE DIED!” Jay roared as he jumped to his feet. “He died right here in this hospital! You, you doctors couldn’t save him! WHY couldn’t you save him?” Angry sobs overtook Jay and his ability to see any sense. 

“Oh God, Jay, I am so sorry. So sorry. What happened?” Will inquired, taking two steps back from his brother, an action that Jay knew was to protect him in case Jay started swinging. Will may not have been there when he came home, but he had seen enough when Jay was nothing but an angry teenager who often resorted to violence whenever he was exceptionally upset over something. 

“He was attacked in prison, stabbed. I don’t know too many details. None of us do.” Jay turned around and punched the table top, the cushioning underneath the plastic cover protecting his hand from any serious damage. “It’s not fair, Al didn’t deserve to die.” Jay was thankful that Will remained silent, allowing the opportunity to actually process the situation as rationally as his mind would allow. Al was dead. Al was dead. Al was dead. 

‘And here you are, crying like a little bitch about it,’ a voice in his mind sneered. Jay, who had been hunched over and gripping onto the edge of the patient table like it was his only lifeline, stood upright at the thought. Al would probably shoot him if he saw how Jay was reacting to his death. ‘Then bring you back to life just to shoot you again to make sure you got the point,’ the voice in his mind quipped once more. 

As Jay turned around to face his brother, Will offered his condolences once more. “Jay, man, I am so sorry. Seriously. I-I really don’t know what to else to say but if you need anything…” Jay simply nodded in acknowledgement. 

“Yeah, uh, thank you. I uh, I—"

“Jay! There you are,” Hailey exclaimed, bursting into the room with wide, bloodshot eyes. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Voight wants everyone back in the…in the waiting room.” The falter in her voice completely snapped Jay back to reality. Al was dead. They had a case to solve. He needed to be strong. Al would want him to be strong. 

“Alright, yeah, I’m coming,” Jay said. Turning to his brother, he muttered a quick “thanks” and then proceeded to follow Hailey back upstairs to where the rest of the team was waiting. 

“You doing okay?” Jay asked out of need for the silence between the two of them to end. When it was silent, his mind had free range to wander and he did not want to give it that freedom right now. 

“No, I uh, I don’t know,” Hailey said with a shuddering breath. “I know I didn’t know him as long as the rest of you, but it still hurts you know?” He did know. 

Not one to say words just for the sake of saying them, Jay loosely hung his arm around Hailey’s shoulders in response. Another silence fell over the two, but like before, Jay was unable to handle it. 

“So, what does Voight want?” He questioned.

“What do you think? There is a case to be solved,” Hailey said, her body leaning in closer to Jay’s. A defense mechanism or means of seeking comfort, Jay did not know; what he did know was that it did not mold to his like Erin’s did. 

Oh God, Erin. Jay’s pulse began picking up as he realized that Erin neither knew nor would she know about Al until she was pulled from her cover. It was incredibly rare and unconventional that she was allowed to reach out to him four days ago and Jay knew without even having to ponder over it that a chance like that would not come again. There are not enough words in the human language to describe the amount of pure devastation she would feel when she finally found out, hopefully sooner rather than later. `At the thought, where Jay should have been praying for Al’s soul, he sent up prayers instead for Erin in hopes that a divine intervention would keep her from falling into another rabbit hole like before. 

It was unnatural for a couple to have to work to avoid so many, Jay silently determined as he held the door to the waiting room open for Hailey.

Vought’s mini speech went in one ear and out the other but Jay got the gist of it: do whatever is necessary to find justice for Al…and something about not even thinking about grieving until a later, to be determined date. 

Jay knew that things most likely would get ugly and the unit would, without a doubt, find themselves crossing over lines that exist for a reason. And normally, he would be the one to push back against Voight, to try and get his stubborn boss to see reason; but not today. No, for maybe the second time in his entire life was he on the same page as Voight and Jay’s eyes hardened at the thought. No one murdered Alvin Olinsky and got away with it. 

//

Turns out, they would have two jobs to do before the time for mourning was really allowed. They tracked down Al’s killer and the man who called the hit on him fairly quickly. So quick, that Jay could not help but wonder if maybe they didn’t attempt to solve the case with their guns blazing, then maybe the unit would not be in the predicament that they are in now: without a boss and at each other’s throats. 

Jay did not blame Voight for shooting the guy; once upon a time in a place where the lines between reality and hell were so blurred he had no clue which was which, Jay had been in the same situation and never hesitated before pulling the trigger. Voight at least seemed to have the decency to talk to the guy—Jay could not decipher whether that was true or not—but that was more than Jay ever allotted the men who took Hollingsworth. However, Jay did blame Voight for recklessly shooting the man in broad daylight in front of two credible witnesses and no one to back up his side of the story. 

And Jay was not like Ruzek, who wanted Antonio to basically lie and say it was a clean shoot when there was a pretty strong chance, given what Voight was (and still is) capable of, that it was not. Antonio could not lie. He saw what he saw and that was it. Lying would only make it worse, no matter how easier it would have made the unit’s lives as they tried to figure out who was sick enough to sell battery acid-laced H on the streets. 

The whole week was such a blur to Jay. It was as if one moment he was watching Al get stabbed on a small screen in the basement of the Clark County Jail and the next he was pulling Antonio off of Ruzek because the two had the audacity to start beating the shit out of each other at a crime scene of all places. And now, here he was making his fourth cup of coffee of the day in the breakroom trying to figure out the best way to ask for time off after Al’s funeral so that he could go to New York and see Erin…well, hopefully see Erin. 

Earlier that morning, Olivia had sent a lengthy text to Jay informing him that Erin’s team and her own would be orchestrating their take down in the early hours of tomorrow morning, just as the strip bar that Erin was stationed at was closing. 

Jay was trying not to get his hopes up, he knew that raids had the chance of going bad all the time. But, after everything that has happened, all of the bad that seemed to have taken over his life since coming back to Chicago, Jay had no choice but to believe that the raid would work and Erin would no longer be undercover and he could get out of Chicago and see her. Just as she needed reminding of all the good in her life, now he did too. He also knew that he needed to tell her about Al’s death in person because there was no telling how she would react and he wanted to be there to help her work through her emotions. Never again would she feel the need to seek comfort…or whatever…in the arms of another man or her mom. God, the thought of Bunny coming to Erin’s comfort—if one could call it that—sickened Jay. Thankfully, for all Jay knew, Bunny still thought that Erin was in Chicago and he’d be damned if she ever found her way to New York. 

Which was exactly what Jay should be doing…finding a way to New York. 

Mustering up the mentality needed to deal with Sergeant Platt when asking her for a favor, Jay made his way out of the breakroom and towards the stairs leading down to the main lobby. However, his journey was stopped short when he saw Voight climbing up the stairs, the bruise on his face still very much prominent. 

“Hey, you back on the job?” Jay questioned once Voight made it up the final three stairs. 

“Got the official call an hour ago,” Voight confirmed, leading Jay to stick out his hand for his boss to shake.

“Alright,” he responded, thankful that some sense of normalcy would be returning to the unit. As much as he liked and respected Antonio, everything had just been off without Voight pushing them to do whatever it takes, by the book or not, to solve a case. It was a realization that made Jay question just how far off the moral path he had swayed since starting in Intelligence all those years ago.

Jay could hear Voight greeting the rest of the unit as they welcomed their leader back while he headed downstairs, thankful that the team had a distraction so that he could slip out relatively easily. Like last time, Jay did not want anyone really knowing where he was going. He just wanted to go and slip into an Intelligence free world where he did not exist as Detective Jay Halstead, but rather, where he could exist as Jay Halstead, a guy coming to town to visit his girl. It was simple and easy and right now, exactly what Jay wanted. 

‘It won’t be as simple and easy as you think,’ his mind chimed just as Jay approached Platt’s desk. ‘You have to be the one to tell her.’

“Hey Sarge?” Jay asked tentatively, ignoring the stains he was subconsciously putting on the image he had painted of his (hopefully) upcoming trip to New York.

“What do you want?” He had to hand it to Platt, she still managed to keep her edge amidst all of her grief. 

“I, uh, I need to request time off after the funeral.” It was vague and Jay did not even need the intense glare Platt was sending him to know that they would not do. If he wanted the time off, he was going to have to give her more information than he was willing to part with. 

“Why?” Platt demanded. “And if you say to grieve I swear I will jump over this desk and beat you. We all need to grieve and yet we aren’t taking time off to do so,” she snippily added. 

Jay gulped. Telling Platt why was definitely not something he wanted to do but she was giving him no choice. 

“I, uh, I…”Jay struggled to get the words out. 

“Spit it out, I haven’t got all day,” Platt demanded menacingly. 

“Can you keep a secret?” Jay asked, silently hoping that his tactic would work. He added extra bait to his line by leaning in towards the desk closely. 

Thankfully, Platt bought it, as she closely leaned forward towards Jay. 

“This better be good Chuckles. Why do you need time off?”

“Look Sarge, uh, I need to go to New York…to see Erin.” Platt may have followed up with more questions, but Jay knew the second he mentioned Erin’s name he was getting that time off; Platt always did have a soft spot for Erin Lindsay.

“To see Erin? Why?” Just as Jay was about to answer, Platt’s eyes widened and her mouth actually dropped open. “No,” she gasped quietly. “That week you took off, you were with her weren’t you? She’s why you came back all…chuckle-y? You two are back together?” 

“Yes, I spent my week off with her and yes we are back together but we want to keep that between us so please…” Jay trailed off, hating how much he sounded like some high school girl. “Look, I just need the time off so that I can go to New York and tell Erin about, about Al. She’s been undercover and doesn’t know and she’s supposed to come out early tomorrow morning and I don’t want her to have to find out over the phone, especially when she will have missed the funeral and everything. So please?”

“Does Voight know?” 

“About what? That I want time off or about me and Erin?” Jay questioned, becoming more agitated by the minute. Why couldn’t she just give him a freaking answer?

“Both.” 

“I haven’t spoken to him yet about taking time off, he literally just got back but yeah, he knows about us. He, my brother, and now you are the only ones.” He hoped that little tidbit of information would make her feel important enough to give into his request. 

“Hmm,” was the only response Platt gave him. Jay had to refrain from rolling his eyes in frustration. 

“I will approve time off from Friday to Monday. I can’t give you much more than that though,” the strict desk sergeant finally caved. “And don’t worry, your scandalous secret is safe with me.” 

Jay breathed a sigh of relief that he had not known he had been holding. He was going to New York. He was going to see Erin. 

“Thanks Sarge, I really appreciate it,” Jay said gratefully as he tapped the desk with his palm victoriously. “Also, it’s not that scandalous.” He offered up a cheeky smirk, hoping to maybe at least get a smile out of the woman. No such luck.

“Get out of here Halstead before I change my mind.” Jay heeded her words and ran back up to the unit. Figuring that now was the best time as ever to inform Voight of his weekend getaway, Jay headed straight for his boss’s office to tell him. 

Knocking against the door, Jay did not wait for a response before stepping inside and closing the door to Voight’s office.

“Can I help you Halstead?” Voight asked without even looking up from the papers he was going over. 

“I just wanted to let you know that Platt just approved for me to have Friday to Monday off.” Jay watched as Voight immediately set aside the papers and turn his full attention on him. 

“Why do you need that time off Halstead and why was I not made aware that you were asking for it?” 

“It was kind of a spur of the moment thought but, uh, someone needs to go to New York and tell Erin what…what happened.” Jay stammered out, not anticipating that his boss would give him such a hard time about it. 

“She’s undercover,” Voight said simply, as if Jay should have but didn’t know that already. 

“If all goes as planned, she won’t be much longer. Raid is scheduled for early tomorrow morning,” Jay informed. Voight remained silent for a moment, his eyes gazing at Jay as if he was trying to penetrate his mind and soul. Jay imagined it was a look that was supposed to intimidate him, but he had been on the receiving end of that look so many times that he was practically immune to it at this point.

“Fine, fine. Now get out of my office and get back to work,” Voight demanded. 

“What was that all about?” Hailey asked, nodding her head in the direction of the office Jay had just exited from. 

“Just letting him know that my request for time off this weekend got approved,” Jay responded. 

“Oh, why the time off?” Hailey questioned. Jay shrugged in response. 

“Had some extra time to use and figured now was as good as a time as any,” he commented, hoping that the subject would be dropped. Thankfully it was, though, judging by the look on Hailey’s face, it was not dropped by choice. Platt’s presence in the bullpen halted all conversations. 

She was there to talk to them about tomorrow’s funeral arrangements, a topic that pushed any other thoughts well out of the unit’s minds. 

//

Jay gripped his beer bottle tightly, the dim parking lot lights shining over the dripping condensation that was soaking the skin of his hands and dripping down onto his jeans. They had long since buried Al and were now hanging around in an empty parking lot that overlooked the river pouring one out one last time for their lost friend. Everyone but Voight was there. 

“And that was Alvin Olinsky,” Platt memorialized after sharing a personal memory of Al. “The most loyal, toughest, best cop, and friend there ever was.” 

“To Al!” The group chanted, tipping over their drinks and watching the liquid splatter to the ground. Jay hesitated before bringing his beer up to his lips for another sip. 

Despite all of the funerals and friends he had buried in the past, Jay struggled to get through Al’s. With each step that he took with the casket containing his friend on his shoulders, Jay realized more and more that Al was gone, he was not coming back. This was not a situation Voight could just skirt around and pull out a miracle. Listening to the priest, the bagpipes, the guns going off, and the heart wrenching sobs coming from Meredith presented Jay with the knowledge that this…this was the time to mourn. Pushing those emotions away all week per Voight’s request, Jay seemed to have denied his mind the chance to fully comprehend the finality of Al’s death. But earlier today, as he stood tall and stiff with his hand raised in salute, it all came crashing down on Jay and he knew it was only a matter of time before his suppressed emotions would implode.

He could only hope that the moment came after he arrived in New York and gave the news to Erin. Maybe then, they could implode together.

Jay had yet to hear from his girlfriend, but Olivia sent him a confirmation text around four in the morning confirming that the raid had been a success and Erin would be at her apartment waiting for him to arrive the next day. It was that text that got him through the day. Erin was out and she was okay. Al may not have been, but Erin was. Losing one friend was hard, but if Jay had to lose not only his friend but also the love of his life, the girl who happened to keep him afloat in times like these? Well…he didn’t even want to entertain that thought. 

“Hey,” Hailey mumbled as she came over and sat next to him on the tail end of his truck. Interrupting his thoughts must just be her thing, Jay was beginning to realize. 

“You hear from Voight? He said he was going to come by,” Jay asked. His boss’s absence was a bit of a shock to Jay, but then again, it also wasn’t. In less than a year, Voight had lost everybody who meant anything to him: Justin, Erin, and Al. Those three were his reason for getting up in the morning and while Erin may not be dead, she wasn’t exactly here either. Jay could only hope that when they buried the coffin containing Al, they didn’t bury the last remnants of Voight’s humanity. 

“I texted him an hour ago,” Hailey said, her voice numb and distant. “But no. I hope he’s okay.” 

“Yeah, he loved Al,” Jay muttered with a small shake of his head. “He was his best friend, priest, shrink.” 

“Yeah, it’s not gonna be easy.” Hailey’s admission couldn’t have been more obvious, Jay thought as he shook his head slowly. 

“No,” he replied, eyes glazing over as he attempted to conjure up images of how life in Intelligence will be conducted from this moment forward. He just couldn’t imagine it; there was no replacing Alvin Olinsky. On that thought, Jay half shook his head again before raising up the bottle and pouring another healthy amount of amber liquid out of it. 

“Al taught me everything I know, seriously, I don’t think I would be here without him,” Adam mourned out loud as he and Antonio rejoined the group. “He was the best first partner a guy could ever ask for.” More alcohol was poured out. 

“I’ll never forget, when I first met Al,” Antonio began to share. “I was in Voight’s office and he was asking me about helping him pull together an Intelligence Unit. Al was the only officer he was like, hell bent on having because he was the only one he trusted he said. Now, I had heard of the guy and the past that the two shared but never actually met him ya know? So I was kinda like ehhhh, I guess.” Antonio begins to chuckle at the memory. “Next thing I know, in storms Al with this sheet of paper in his hand that very clearly had a girl’s handwriting on it.” More laughter from Antonio and Jay could not help but chime in. He knew this story, Erin had told it to him more than a few times, usually when she was pissed at something Voight had done that she felt was “limiting her police capabilities.”

“And I kid you not, without saying anything else, he just begins to read this long ass list of demands and reasons as to why he should be in Intelligence. I’m sitting there like what the fuck is this guy doing and then next thing I know he refers to himself as a woman a few times and now I am completely floored and thinking, this lunatic is the Alvin Olinsky? No way in hell. But, he continues reading the list in the most serious tone I have ever heard, adding emphasis in all the right places. And then, when he finally finishes he just stands there and looks at Voight. The two say nothing for a while and I am just, I don’t even think I could put together what I was thinking and then Voight’s asking him if that’s all and Al looks at the list, reads it over, and goes, ‘yep’ like he couldn’t be bothered. Then, just as I am about to ask what the hell is going on, Al adds, ‘That’s all Erin wanted me to say. I can always go back to her and ask if she wants to add anything else if you want?’” The rest of the unit and Platt were softly laughing at this point. “I just, there he was, Alvin Olinsky in all of his glory, standing in Voight’s office acting as a messenger for Voight’s kid. It’s an image I still cannot wrap my head around,” Antonio concluded. 

“Well, he loved Erin like she was his own,” Platt added. “And we all know the guy would do anything for the people he loved. I mean, the guy slept in his garage just because his daughter didn’t want her father too far away and he didn’t want to leave his wife!” Everyone but Jay gave a huff of laughter at that. 

Al loved Erin and she definitely loved him. Jay’s heart broke at the realization of just how much pain she will be in when he delivers the sad news to her tomorrow. 

“This is so fucked up, she should be here,” Adam’s complaint caused Jay’s head to snap up. “Like, I get why she left and why she lost touch but like, this is bullshit. Al died and she didn’t even have the balls to come back for his funeral!” Anger surged through Jay as he listened to Antonio and Hailey chime in with their agreements. 

“I’ve known Lindsay for a long time, she’s family, and I thought for sure if anything was going to bring her back home, it would be this. Like you said Sarg, he loved her like his own and we all know the feeling was mutual. I don’t know, I want to understand and think that maybe she has a good reason but…I don’t know,” Antonio stated. 

“It’s not really my place to say, ‘cause I didn’t know her all that well, but I get the vibe that Erin only focused on her and I guess whatever is going on in her life at the moment trumps this,” Hailey spoke boldly, her words doing nothing to tame the anger Jay was currently feeling. 

“She doesn’t know!” Jay brashly exclaimed, unable to listen to his friends bash on Erin. How could they forget so quickly that she was once their family? That she was the most selfless person out of all of them, giving so much of herself for others? Jay knew that on more than one occasion each of them had been on the receiving end of her selflessness. 

“What do you mean she doesn’t know?” “How do you know she doesn’t know?” Kevin and Hailey both asked at the same time. All eyes were now on him, but Jay did not regret opening his mouth. Regardless of their current relationship status, Jay was always going to have Erin’s back, no matter the situation. But, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to lie on how he had come to acquire information on her.

“She’s been on a long-term undercover assignment with hardly any contact with anyone. Voight told me yesterday,” Jay stated. 

“Why would he tell you?” Hailey asked as the rest of the unit nodded their heads in understanding, relieved to find out that Erin had not just blown off the funeral of the man who considered her family. 

“I asked. Wanted to know if she was coming,” Jay said, not liking the look that Platt was giving him. She may have agreed to verbally keep his secret, but if she kept that look up, everyone would find out very quickly that Jay was lying and there was much, much more to the story he was spinning.

“I can only imagine how she’s gonna take it when she does find out and then has to be told she missed everything,” Adam mused. “Hopefully she takes it better than she took Nadia’s death.” 

Jay clenched his eyes shut, wishing that the conversation was anything but speculation about Erin. Wasn’t the night supposed to be about Al?

“Who’s Nadia?” Hailey asked. Everyone looked around uncomfortably at each other as they began to realize the same thoughts that Jay was having. This was not a conversation to be having, not after they just buried Al. 

“Guy?” Hailey asked again when no one answered her the first time.

“She worked for Intelligence and was murdered. Erin and her were really, really close,” Kim spoke up for the first time that night. “Erin did not take it well at all, she quit Intelligence and…and yeah. It was bad.”

“She seems to overreact a lot,” Hailey quipped, to the astonishment of everyone. 

“Stop! Just stop!” Jay exclaimed, pushing away from the back of his car and rounding on Hailey. “You barely knew her so you don’t get to pass judgement on her.” Jay closed his eyes and took a calming breath before he unleashed the hot rage that was now coursing through him. “Look, guys, I think I’m gonna head out. See you on Tuesday.” It was an abrupt exit, but it was all Jay was able to muster. Ignoring all of the confused looks and pleas from Hailey and Adam to stay, Jay climbed up into his truck, turned it on, and pulled out of the lot as quickly as he could. Not quite wanting to go home, Jay drove down to his spot by the lake. 

Sitting there, in the dark, Jay finally allowed all of the emotions that he had been suppressing for the past week to wash over him. As his phone began lighting up with texts and calls from the team, Jay was succumbing to a fit of tears. 

Al was dead. 

Gone. 

Not coming back. 

Death was nothing new to him, but that did not stop the pain at the realization of the finality of death to hurt any less. 

So, he sat in his car and cried until there were no tears left to cry and he was stuck in a state of dry heaving. Everything needed to get out of his system now because once he arrived in New York, he had to be the strong one… for the both of them. 

Jay’s time for mourning was now and he was not going to let the opportunity pass him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how this chapter turned out. If you could not tell by the delay in posting it and how sloppily it was written, this was an extremely hard chapter for me to write, and while yes, it was meant to act as a filler, I still wanted to do Al's death justice. I tried to rewrite it so many times and just really struggled to put something together. Hoping to have the next chapter out by Friday or so. Thank you so much for everyone who has been following this and leaving me comments and criticism...I love hearing all of your thoughts, good and bad. Despite my own opinions on this chapter, would still love to hear what you all think of it as well.


	8. Chapter 8

Erin sat curled up against the armrest of her couch, hands wrapped tightly around a cup of hot chocolate that had been used as a lure to get her out of the shower. Once she finally was able to come home, Erin wasted no time in positioning herself under the piping hot water. She hadn’t even bothered to take her clothes off, instead opting to robotically strip herself once they were good and soaked. 

From the moment that she saw her team and Olivia’s storm into the club, guns raised and eyes hardened with determination, Erin had been craving for the moment where she could just wash away the past five and a half weeks. Not that there was much to wash off because in all honesty, she had been so, so lucky that she was considered a newbie to the guys who ran the club. Her rookie status meant she was assigned to work the bar as opposed to the more veteran girls, who, in addition to dancing, were pimped out like they were merely tic tacs waiting to be passed around amongst a large group of friends. 

It was a job that made her phone call to Jay seem so pathetic when put in a much larger context. But, something about wearing a pair of leather shorts that barely covered her butt and a frilly, lacey bra top while pouring drinks and listening to men make disgusting comments about the things they wanted to do to her had hit home. Topped with having to watch the girls around her be subjected to performing those same filthy acts the men tried to talk her into, everything had just hit a little too close to home for Erin. 

This would have been her life if Hank didn’t save her when he did.

Something about seeing it all with her own eyes, surrounded by a life that had become nothing more than a hypothetical over the years, stirred something in Erin that she never imagined being able to feel. 

She wanted more than what she had; unlike these girls, she could do more with the life she had been given. She, Erin Lindsay, could break the chain that she had been born into once and for all and she could do so with Jay by her side. But of course, like always, her mind got the best of her and the longer she stayed under, the more intense and negative her thoughts became. 

After the call had been made, after Jay assured her that he planned on being with her always and that he wanted a family with her too, Erin was completely floored by her own growth. 

For the first time ever, in her entire life, when things around her got to be too much, she did not run to drugs and alcohol to silence her mind and numb her feelings. For the first time ever, she turned to someone and called—no screamed—for help. And her efforts paid off and her mind was beat into submission that this life, this potential life that she had tried so hard for so long to leave behind her, was not meant for her. She finally had her out; Olivia and Jay would make sure of that. 

Of course, in wake of the new path she was being presented with was the residual effects of the mind that she had let control her for so long and the only thing that she could think to do was stand under her showerhead for almost an hour and wash it all away. She scrubbed so hard that her skin became red and raw but, in her defense, she was not only cleansing her body of a long and tortured way of life, but also the disgusting smell of sweat, booze, drugs, and the sickly sweet perfume that Ashley had been required to wear.

That life, that horrible potential life that she had to experience after almost twenty years of avoiding it, would never haunt her again. As Jay assured her, she had so, so much to live for and she’d be damned if she let the chance Hank and now Jay had given her. 

Erin could have stayed in her shower for another hour scrubbing the soapy facecloth over every inch of her body again and again and again. But, Olivia had other plans. 

Picking the lock to Erin’s apartment, the SVU sergeant barged into the bathroom, shut the water off, and threw a towel at Erin. 

“Your body has had enough Erin, come on out and we’ll talk,” she had said while Erin struggled to get over the shock of what was happening. 

Nevertheless, her body and mind were primed to follow orders so Erin did what she was told, thus leading her to where she was currently, on her couch, hot chocolate in hand, wearing nothing but a pair of cotton pajama shorts and Jay’s Rangers sweatshirt. God, she wished Jay was here now, his arms enveloping her entire body and providing more comfort than his old sweatshirt ever could. 

“He’ll be here tomorrow,” Olivia said softly, as if she was able to read Erin’s thoughts. Erin’s eyes snapped up and connected with her friend’s face, searching for any trace of what she said being a lie. She found none.

“Jay’s coming?” Her voice rasped, excitement at the prospect clearly evident. Jay always came when she needed him…if there was one thing she could always count on, it was that. 

“Y-yes, he’s coming for the weekend.” The falter in Olivia’s voice tipped Erin off to the fact that Jay’s visit was more than just him coming to visit her. 

Something had happened and he was coming to deliver the bad news in person. 

“Tell me,” Erin demanded. “Tell me so he doesn’t have to.” Because whatever it was couldn’t have been good if Jay was coming all the way out here to deliver it in person. 

“Why do you think he’s coming to tell you something bad?” Olivia questioned, genuinely curious as to why that was the first thought that came to Erin’s mind. While the two had become good friends and confidants over the years, Olivia was never truly clued in to how Erin’s mind worked, how she had seen and done enough to always be able to pick up when something bad was coming her way. 

“Please Liv, tell me,” Erin pleaded as her mind presented her with a long list of plausible options. 

Erin watched with bated breath as Olivia struggled over how to deliver the news that she obviously was not planning on sharing.

“Erin, what was the last update Jay gave you about the investigation into Voight and Olinsky?” 

“Just that…that Al’s DN, DNA was found on the…the body and there was a witness.” Erin stumbled over the words, already having a sinking feeling as to where this conversation was going. ‘Please, not Voight,’ she shamefully thought to herself. ‘Anyone but Hank.’

“Right,” Olivia said with a small nod of her head. “Well, um, Al was arrested and did not make bail and while in prison…I don’t know all of the details, but Erin, while he was in prison he was stabbed.” Erin’s breath hitched and tears began burning in her eyes. “I’m so sorry Erin, but he didn’t make it.” 

The blood in her veins turned into ice at Olivia’s words. Al was dead? He died? Someone murdered him? Erin felt as if the four walls of her living room were closing in on her as she tried to wrap her head around the fact that Alvin Olinsky, the man she considered to be her adopted uncle, was dead. There was no way that was true…no way…especially when it should have been her in jail and not him. 

“You’re lying,” Erin refuted weakly. “You have to be.” The sympathetic look Olivia was giving her was the only answer that she needed. Al was dead and it was all her fault, that was the cold, hard truth. 

“Erin, I am so, so sorry. If there is anything that I—”

“Get out, please, just get out. I-I need to be alone,” Erin interrupted, her heartbreak evident in her tone. “Please Liv, I-I can’t…I just need to be alone.” 

“Erin, I am not sure that—”

“Please!” Erin’s composure was beginning to crumble. Al was dead and it was all her fault. Why was it whenever she tried to protect somebody they ended up hurt or dead anyway?

She was too upset to even acknowledge Olivia’s exit from her apartment. Al was dead. Al was dead. Al was dead. ‘And it’s all your fucking fault,’ Erin’s mind screamed over and over and over. ‘It’s all your fault! It’s all your fault! It’s all your fault!” 

Erin vaguely realized that she had lifted her body up from the couch and was quickly making her way towards her liquor cabinet which, thankfully, contained an unopen bottle of her favorite poison. 

Al was dead and it was all her fault.

//

Jay tapped his foot anxiously against the blue carpeted floor of the O’Hare airport. It was barely six o’clock in the morning and Jay had already pumped two black coffees into his body, one after he woke up alongside the four a.m. alarm that he set and a second after he finally managed to get through the horror show that is airport security. Truth be told, Jay was craving another after the horrific night’s sleep that he got, but his flight is supposed to start boarding any minute and he simply did not have the time to stand in another coffee line. 

Once his time off had been approved, he had been lucky to find relatively cheap tickets on the first plane departing for New York the day after Al’s funeral. With no layovers and a scheduled 8:30 a.m. landing, the flight would give Jay the most time possible with Erin over the course of his short, three and a half days trip. Not that Jay was expecting the trip to be a pleasant one. 

Last night, just as he was setting the alarm on his phone, he had received a text from Olivia informing him that she had told Erin about Al. 

Olivia: Hey Jay, I hope that you are doing well given the circumstances. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I talked to Erin earlier this evening and gave her the news about Al. She did not take it so well. If you need any help, please do not hesitate to reach out, I am willing to do anything to help you get her through this. 

Jay felt guilty that relief was one of the first emotions that he felt as he read the text. While telling Erin about Al had been a task he had assigned to himself, that did not mean he wanted to be the one to deliver the news. However, the line she did not take it well sucked any relief he felt and replaced it with deep feelings of concern and fear. 

“Erin did not take it well at all, she quit Intelligence and…and yeah. It was bad,” Kim had said not more than three hours earlier in the parking lot that overlooked the river. She did not take it well…it was bad…those nine words swirled around in Jay’s head all night and severely limited the amount of sleep his body so desperately needed. 

Hence wanting a third coffee at six o’clock in the morning. 

“Good morning to all of our American Airlines’ passengers this morning! Just a reminder that we will begin boarding shortly,” the flight attendant announced, squashing any thoughts Jay was having on what his success rate would be if he were to track down a coffee stand right now and getting back to the gate on time. ‘Probably for the best anyway,’ Jay thought; he did not want to be a jittery, caffeinated mess when he showed up at Erin’s door. 

Taking his phone out to send a quick text to Will in gratitude for driving him to the airport before his shift this morning, Jay was surprised to see that he had three unread texts from Hailey. 

Hailey: Going to miss you at work this weekend…won’t be the same without you partner  
Hailey: Also, I just wanted to apologize for what I said about Lindsay last night. It was completely out of line and I am so sorry if I upset you  
Hailey: Have a great weekend and hope we’re good?

A dull thrum of anger played in Jay’s mind as he recalled how quick Hailey was to put Erin down the night before, describing her as selfish and uncaring and calling out her tendency to overreact. Of course it was all lies—well, mostly…Erin did overreact to some things—but as Jay’s mind went back and forth between his memories and the texts that Hailey had sent, he realized that Hailey did not know the Erin that he did, that the team did. 

When Hailey joined Intelligence, he and Erin were just beginning to get their shit together again and then, next thing Hailey knows, Erin is shoving loaded guns in a suspect’s mouth, is temporarily stripped of her gun and badge, and is leaving town without a word before she can be stripped for good. That was the Erin that Hailey knew and described because that was the impression Erin had left on her and as much as Jay didn’t want to admit it, he couldn’t exactly fault Hailey for thinking the way that she did. 

Thanks for reaching out, I appreciate it. Yeah, I won’t lie, I was upset. There is so much more to Erin than you know and I just did not think that it was right for you and everyone else to be talking about her when she wasn’t even there to defend herself on a night that was supposed to be all about Al.

But don’t worry, it’s all good and we’re good, I understand why you felt the need to say what you said and we’re cool. 

Good I’m glad Hailey responded almost instantly, as if she was staring at her phone waiting for him to text her back. The guys filled me in a bit on you two…didn’t realize that you were so serious. 

Jay stared down at her words, wondering how he should respond. Very quickly, Jay had picked up on that Hailey desperately craved information of all kinds, but especially about the people that she worked with. It was something that he wanted to fault her for, especially when she asked about him and his life. But, Kim had once speculated that maybe knowing all that she could about the people she worked with was her way of feeling safe and protected on the job. Jay reckoned that Kim was right, especially since Hailey was not given an opportunity to really get to know everyone before she was thrusted into the unit. He tried to remember that thought every time she dug a little too deep into his personal life, but that did not stop him from feeling annoyed every time she did press him for answers. 

We were partners for almost five years…

You weren’t just partners though…you wanted to marry her. 

It was hard for Jay not to respond with the words, ‘I still do.’ Instead, he simply texted back Yep. 

I’m sorry she ran out on you

She didn’t run out on me…look, there’s just so much more to that story and I really don’t want to get into it this early in the morning. 

Okay…sorry…I didn’t mean to push. 

Wait, why are you up this early on a Friday? You have the weekend off…why aren’t you sleeping???

Taking a little getaway trip

Ugh, so jealous…anywhere fun?

I think so

Oooo where? 

My own secret oasis

Fancy words… didn’t know you had them in you

I have my moments

Hey, gotta go…time to hit the road. Probably won’t be on my phone much. See you when I get back. Please don’t replace me with Ruzek in my absence, I’ll be crushed 

His boarding group had just been called and Jay sent a final joke to hopefully get the point across that he wasn’t mad at her and they were good. Not waiting for her response, Jay quickly powered down his phone and got in the line of passengers waiting to enter the tunnel that would bring them to the plane. 

‘Only three more hours and you’ll be with Erin,’ Jay thought as he readjusted the straps of his military issued backpack that contained his clothes for the weekend against his shoulder. ‘Only three more hours…’

//

“Erin, it’ me! Please open up!” Jay called out as his fist repeatedly made contact with the locked door. He had arrived at Erin’s almost five minutes ago and, unlike last time where his entry had been delayed on his own accord, Jay was having very little success in entering the apartment. 

“Come on Erin, please open up!” His knuckles were starting to hurt from repeatedly hitting the door and he was starting to wonder if she was even home. ‘She did not take it well’ Olivia’s words rang inside his head once more and prompted Jay to begin pounding frantically on the door with his palm. He did not care if he was disrupting the mornings of Erin’s neighbors; he only cared about getting inside the apartment and seeing with his own two eyes that Erin was okay and had not done anything drastic and harmed herself or her sobriety. Jay felt ashamed that his mind automatically linked her bad reaction to drugs, but the conversation he and the team had the night before was still fresh on his mind. Erin had made too much progress to revert back to her old ways but grief can be a funny thing…he would know…

“Erin!” Later, Jay would realize that it was nothing short of a miracle that none of Erin’s neighbors came out to yell at him for disturbing the peace or called the cops to have him removed. “Come on babe, let me in!” Just as his hand was in motion to make contact against the door, it was flung open and Jay barely had enough time to react and redirect his hand before it struck Erin in the face.

“Can you not take a hint? I don’t want to see you! GO AWAY!” The menacing effect she most likely was going for was diminished by the heavy slur attached to the words and the intense scent of vodka that immediately penetrated his nostrils. 

Jay’s stomach dropped as his mind processed what that meant: Erin Lindsay was answering the door at 8:30 in the morning drunk out of her mind. Jay silently prayed that alcohol was the only substance in her system.

Glancing down at the woman he loved, Jay’s heart plummeted as he took in her appearance. Erin’s eyes were bloodshot and puffy and there was an almost empty bottle of vodka in the hand that was not holding onto the doorframe to keep herself upright. She was so drunk she couldn’t even stand. 

“Don’t come in here, I don’t want to see you! You got him killed! I asked you to watch—to watch over him and he died! N-n-no, he was murdered! It’s your fault he was murdered!” Erin screamed, each of her words delivering a knock-out worthy punch to Jay’s stomach. She was blaming him. In her eyes, it was all his fault that Al died. 

‘Maybe she’s right,’ his mind defiantly chided. ‘Maybe you had a hand in getting him killed…’ 

Shaking the thoughts out of his head, Jay turned his attention back on his girlfriend and, noticing that she was beginning to sway slightly, grabbed ahold of both of her shoulders to steady her. 

“Erin, how much did you have to drink?” Jay asked slowly and softly as he tentatively took a step forward into the apartment. 

Erin spluttered as she tried to come up with an answer all while trying to yell at him some more and Jay took her moment of distraction to toss his bag down in the hallway and kick the door shut behind him. 

“You said you would watch over him,” she finally slurred out, her words sounding sadder than they had when she first greeted him. “And, and, and now he’s dead. Al is dead.” Jay’s heart clenched as he attempted to wrap his arms around Erin. She struggled to the best of her drunken abilities, but even in her angry and drunk state, she still seemed to crave the comfort he so desperately wanted to provide. Feeling her go lax against him, Jay allowed his arms to engulf her as tightly as he could without hurting her. 

“I know baby, I know,” he murmured into her hair. “I know and I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry.” 

“Jay, he’s dead,” Erin now sobbed against the navy fabric of his shirt. “He’s dead and I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Afraid that if he were to say something he too would begin sobbing, Jay opted to move his arms downward so that he could pick Erin up with ease. Once she was secured in his arms, he began the journey towards her bedroom, eyes unable to miss the remnants of what had once been Erin’s plate set scattered all over the floor. 

Jay pursed his lips together, choosing to say nothing and instead tightening his grip on the woman bawling in his arms. Jay was sickened by the relief felt as Erin’s slender body writhed in pain at the loss of Al in his arms. She may be heavily intoxicated and infuriated with him, but at least she was feeling something. It was all the assurance he needed to know that this would not be like the last time when she shut off all of her feelings for an extended period of time. 

“Do you want me to grab you a change of clothes?” Jay questioned softly as he laid Erin down on her bed. Judging by the stain on the front of his Rangers sweatshirt, Jay assumed that she had recently spilt some of the liquid poison on her and the clothes were damp and not fully dried off yet. 

Erin sluggishly nodded her head ‘yes,’ as her eyes struggled to remain open. She must have been up all night drinking and crying, Jay thought as he dug through her drawers in search of something to change her into. Settling on the Bears t-shirt he had left at her place last time he visited, Jay quickly stripped the sweatshirt from her body and slid the t-shirt over her head with very little assistance from Erin. He left her in her pajama shorts. 

“Sleep this off Er, we can talk later,” Jay whispered as he pressed a light kiss to her forehead. Jay lingered for a moment to see if she would respond, but when she didn’t, he quietly made his way out of her room and back into her living room. 

Once there, he surveyed the damage she had inflicted on her own apartment. Asides from the few broken plates he had already noticed, the only new thing that his eyes picked up on was a shattered mug and a chocolate colored stain at the base of her couch. Unsure of what to do about the stain, Jay quickly put himself to work cleaning up all of the broken ceramic pieces loitered throughout the living room area. 

With his hands occupied, Jay’s mind began to wander. Erin had said that it was his fault that Al died. Was she right? Could he have tried harder to save the older man? Could he have prevented this…this horrible outcome? 

‘NO!’ A voice in his mind screamed. ‘What could you have done? You once said yourself that not even God would have a hand in the story Al and Voight wrote themselves.’ 

Be that as it may, Jay still couldn’t shake the feeling and was helpless to stop his body from sinking to the floor. With his back against the wall, Jay positioned his elbows to lean against his bent knees and ducked his head into his hands as tears threatened to pour out of his eyes. He thought that he had been prepared for this, prepared to take care of Erin and nurse her through the unbearable grief and pain that she no doubt was feeling. They survived through the pain of losing Nadia, hell, they even survived through the pain of losing Lexi and he thought for sure that they would make it through this too. But neither of those times did Erin blame him for the deaths; not even when he had been the one to arrange for Nadia to leave the district to get the cake. 

She blamed him for Al dying. She had trusted him to make sure the two most important men in her life made it out of their situation alive and he had failed her and she had blamed him. Was there any coming back from that? Could they come back from that? 

‘It was just the alcohol talking,’ he tried to remind himself, only to be immediately reminded of what his father used to say every time he harshly ridiculed Jay while intoxicated: “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” 

Could his father have been right for once? No, there was no way the one true lesson his father purposely tried to teach him was that, it just couldn’t be. Could it?

Jay’s head was pounding as he contemplated these thoughts. It was all just too much. He came here to be with and comfort Erin, not have her accuse him of murder. Was this how it was always going to be? Him giving and her taking? 

“No!” Jay shouted as softly as he was able. What the hell was he thinking? No, that was not them, not now. Maybe in the past, he could recognize now that that had been their situation more than a few times but not anymore. They finally moved on from all of that and this would not change that, he would not let it. “She was just drunk and upset,” Jay mumbled to himself, as if saying the words out loud would make them more real and believable. “She was drunk and upset and saying stupid shit to push you away because that is how she grieves. She did it before and she will definitely do it again. Get the fuck over yourself.” 

It was easier said than done. 

After he finished cleaning up the mess she made in what he assumed to be a drunken fit of rage, Jay brewed himself his third cup of coffee of the day (because Goddamn it he sure as hell deserved it now) and found a good sports documentary on Erin’s large TV in hopes to give his mind something to think about while he waited for her to wake up. Documentaries were the best cure for his nightmares, he figured that they would work for this too. However, even though the content was something that he was actually interested in, Jay just could not bring himself to follow along with the program, his mind constantly going back to the image of Erin screaming at him that this was all his fault. 

She had so much anger in her petite body. ‘Anger can often be confused with pain,’ his mind reminded him. 

Reverting his eyes back into the present, Jay watched as an old video of Babe Ruth knocking one out of the park played across the TV while the announcer’s voice softly hummed throughout the apartment, breaking down each movement of the legendary player’s swing. Jay’s attention quickly diverted once more as he struggled to comprehend how to handle Erin she woke up. 

Would there be yelling? Would she accuse him once more of being the reason Al died, even with a clearer state of mind? Would she make him leave? 

It was enough speculation to make a man crazy and Jay was no exception. In fact, if he wasn’t aware of just how badly she needed the sleep that she was now getting, he most likely would have barged into her room and woken her up himself just so he could get the answers his mind currently so desperately craved. 

But, he didn’t. Instead, he generated all of his energy into paying attention to the documentary on Babe Ruth and his legacy with the Yankees until it wore him out and he too succumbed to the sleep his body craved. 

//

All Erin knew when she woke up was that her head was pounding in pain. Squinting her eyes together once, twice, three times, she slowly regained her senses and was able to put together that she was in her bedroom and she had not gotten there on her own. With her stomach now doing very exaggerated somersaults that did very little to quench the queasiness she was beginning to feel, Erin slowly tilted her head downwards and realized that whoever brought her into her room had changed her. Olivia? No, Erin vaguely recalled how she demanded the older woman to get out of her apartment. Why? Erin brought her hand up to her head and began rubbing slow circles with the pads of her thumbs against her temples in hopes to not only sooth the headache she was experiencing, but to also jog her memory. Why had she kicked Olivia out of her apartment? 

Because she delivered the news that Al had been murdered in prison. 

Erin’s eyes widened and her stomach gave a very uncomfortable jolt that had Erin tumbling out of her bed and clumsily making her way into the attached bathroom. She barely made it before she was throwing herself onto the floor and projectile vomiting into her toilet. 

Repeatedly, her body convulsed forward as she rid herself of all of the contents in her stomach—it wasn’t much—and was reminded of the previous night’s events. Olivia coming home, telling her…the news…throwing her out, seeking out the unopened bottle of Grey Goose vodka that had been gifted to her when she first arrived in New York, finding said bottle and wasting no time drinking from it straight. Each time that she threw up brought a new memory, each one hazier than the last until the last one she was able to vaguely pull together was the memory of her latching onto some of her dinner plates and hurling them to the ground just because she thought that smashing them would wake her from the horrible nightmare she had been thrusted into.

Al had died. For something she asked him to do. It should have been her. 

When there was nothing left in Erin’s system for her to throw up, she limply slumped against her shower and sobbed. Loudly. So loudly that she barely heard Jay storm into the bathroom.

“Erin! Erin! What’s wrong, are you okay? Erin!” Jay shouted frantically as he flung himself to the ground in front of her and gripped onto both of her shoulders tightly and giving them a small shake. 

Confusion brought her sobs down until nothing but small whimpers were falling from her very chapped lips. Jay? He was here?

“Wha-what are you doing here?” Her voice was so scratchy it made her cringe. It took her a few seconds, but slowly she managed to bring her eyes to meet his own. Due to the fact that her eyes were so puffy from all of the crying she had done in the past twelve hours, Erin was barely able to make out the pure bewildered expression that covered Jay’s face. Why was he confused? She was confused. What was going on? 

‘Al died, that’s what’s going on,’ her mind managed to say over all of pounding going on inside of it. 

“Erin, what…what do you remember?” Hazily, Erin realized that Jay did not answer her question; she was just too out of it to call him out on it. 

“Jay, Al, Al, Al d-died. O-O-Oliv, Olivia said he was…he was stabbed. She wasn’t lying, was she?” Erin struggled to get the words out. The only way that the whole situation would become real for her was if Jay confirmed it. If Jay didn’t say it was real, then it wasn’t real. He would never lie to her. That much she was able to reason in her addled state. 

The grip Jay had on her shoulders loosened up slightly, switching from one that was frantic and scared to one that was now a means to offer up comfort. 

“I am so sorry Erin, I wish it wasn’t true but…” A guttural sob released from her mouth at his words. No, no, no, no! Al and Hank, they were invincible, they slayed her monsters! There was no way that one half of the duo was dead, no way in hell. 

Yes way. 

Jay just confirmed it. 

“Jay,” Erin whimpered his name as her body magnetically propelled forward into his own hoping to seek out whatever comfort that he may be able to supply her. It was not lost on her that he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her before pulling her as closely as he could to his own body. Chalking it up to grief and shock over her abrupt movements, Erin chose not to say anything and instead let her body be overcome with sobs once more. 

Erin remained in Jay’s embrace until the last tear fell from her eyes. With the exception of a few “I got you” and shushing noises, Jay barely said anything to Erin during the duration of her breakdown. Not that Erin minded, in fact, she was grateful that Jay did not try and talk to her. She just wanted to get all of her pain out, she didn’t want to try and maintain a conversation while doing so. 

After what felt like hours, she finally pulled away from Jay. 

“God, I’m such a mess, Jay, I’m sorry,” Erin barely managed to say, her throat feeling just as much pain as her heart after the abuse that it had endured over the past twelve hours or so. 

“No, baby, no,” Jay chided gently, cupping one of his hands around her face and stroking his thumb up and down on her cheek soothingly. “Never apologize to me for grieving. I understand.” Erin closed her eyes and leaned into Jay’s hand, relishing in the comfort that his simple actions were providing her. 

“You’re too good to me Jay Halstead, I don’t deserve you.” Erin had never spoken truer words; she would forever be baffled by what brought Jay into her life. 

“I could say the same Erin Lindsay,” Jay mumbled back before pulling his hand from her face. Erin’s eyes shot open at the loss of contact, the light in the bathroom momentarily stunning her. With her sight out of commission for longer than she would have liked, Erin’s sense of smell was heightened and she was repulsed by the scent of vomit and alcohol that was embracing her as tightly as Jay had just been. It was enough to make her stomach turn again, despite there being nothing left in it. 

“I, I think I need to get cleaned up. I smell,” Erin stated. Through her heavy-lidded eyes, Erin just made out Jay’s head nodding up and down. “Help me?” Erin meekly requested, knowing that her body was completely drained of the strength it would take to stand up on her own. Again, Jay nodded and wordlessly helped her stand up and began pulling the clothes from her body. 

Once she was fully stripped and standing bare naked in front of him, Jay finally spoke. “Do you want me to join you?” There was no sexual innuendo in his words; Jay was simply offering his help because Lord knows she needed it. 

“Please,” Erin responded. Another nod from Jay preceded him stripping out of his own clothes. As he reached around her to turn the shower on, Erin shamefully took in the sight of his body. Even amongst all of her grief, her mind was unable to resist the amazing physique of the man standing beside her. As she watched his arm muscles naturally flex as he twisted the shower nob to the hottest setting it reached because scalding hot showers were her favorite, Erin had to resist the primal urge to pull his face down to her own and kiss him with all that she had. It was a painful reminder of their situation when she realized that she couldn’t because her mouth still had the disgusting taste of vomit in it. She needed to brush her teeth if she was expecting to cram into the small shower space with Jay. 

In a daze, Erin stumbled over to the sink and fumbled around until she managed to get a healthy amount of toothpaste on her toothbrush. 

“Er, water’s ready,” Jay informed her just as she was spitting the globs of toothpaste out of her mouth. 

Slowly and gingerly, the two of them stepped into the shower, allowing the water to wash over them as they each relished in the burning sensation it was leaving on their skin. It was sick and twisted, but Erin loved that feeling; it reminded her that she was alive and she had the capability to feel. There was no real sense of how much time had passed as the two just stood there under the shower head, staring at each other. Eyes clouded with her own pain, Erin was unable to make the anguish that was painted on Jay’s face as he looked down on her. In fact, her mind was barely able to register the moment when Jay decided he had enough of just standing still and had begun to slowly run a bar of soap up and down her body, gently washing away the events of the last few hours. When she finally did process what he was doing, she was floored by the stark contrast to the last shower that she had where she tried to rid herself of her memories and pain by scrubbing herself raw. 

She did not deserve Jay…she would be saying that until the day that she died. 

A voice in the back of her mind told Erin that she should reciprocate Jay’s actions, but she was rendered completely motionless as his hands now worked their way through her hair, rinsing out all of the sweat and bits of vomit that had managed to get stuck in her long tresses. His movements were so soothing and were doing wonders to the near debilitating head pains she was still experiencing. 

“Jay?” Erin finally mustered her voice to question. “When did you even get here?” It sickened her that she was unable to remember when her man had arrived and she could only hope it was sometime after her vodka-induced rage had passed over into a vodka-induced sorrow. 

The way Jay’s body tensed up was subtle, but the small space they were in did very little to fully hide his motions. Erin’s stomach sank as she realized he must have shown up while she was still in a blind rage. God, she must have said or did something to upset him. Why, why, why did she have to fuck up every good thing in her life? She tried so hard to believe Hank and Jay when they told her she was not bad news, but in moments like this, she found it hard to think otherwise. Bad news always followed her around and destroyed every good thing that she had. 

“Jay?” Erin pressed again because she needed to know what he had to endure when he arrived. She had to know how badly she messed up in front of the only man who could look past all of the bad that she had done and still see good in her, still see something in her that was worth loving. 

“Uh,” Jay coughed uncomfortably, his hands seeking out the bottle of conditioner. “Earlier this morning. I had a 6:30 flight and got in around 8:30 or so.” Erin’s hand feebly reached out to stop Jay’s from returning back to her hair. Her head felt like it was being tied down with a cinder block, but she made the effort to lift it anyway and stare into the blue-green eyes that held so much love for her despite everything. Even now, when she was finally witnessing the sheer pain in his beautiful eyes, there were still traces of unconditional love. It was a crippling yet moving sight to see. No matter what she had done, no matter what she said, he still loved her. 

‘You do not deserve this man…’ 

“I did something didn’t I? To upset you?” Jay’s breath hitched and Erin’s did as well; it was all the confirmation that she needed. 

“What did I do? Jay tell me,” Erin pleaded, needing to know how bad she messed up so that she could immediately begin to make amends…if making amends was even an option. 

“Nothing, you just, ah…you weren’t wrong, I should have tried harder,” Jay skirted around the issue. Erin’s hands gripped tighter around Jay’s. 

“Tell me.” 

“You said it was my fault that Al died. That I should have watched over him better,” Jay finally admitted. 

//

Jay did not want to tell her. Every bone in his body screamed at him to just let it go. She was blackout drunk and upset, there was no way she meant what she said. But they had promised each other, last time he was in New York, that they would not keep secrets from each other anymore. 

“We can’t go on like this Erin,” Jay had whispered on his last night as he pulled her sweaty, worn out body clumsily into the side of his own, which was equally worn out and sweaty. 

“What do you mean?” Erin had questioned softly, her fingers tracing lazy patterns up and down the length of his forearm. “I thought you liked what I just did.” Jay had smirked before turning serious once more. 

“The guessing and not knowing what’s going on with the other. We’re both guilty of it and it has to stop, especially if we really want this to work.” He felt Erin nod slowly against his side. 

“Promise me you won’t keep me in the dark anymore, about anything that’s bothering you,” Erin whispered. “I meant what I said that day in the break room, I am available to help you carry whatever you need help carrying. All I ever wanted was for you to let me in, Jay. That’s it, please just promise from now on you’ll let me in.” It was a desperate plea to right the wrongs of their past, they both knew it. But, for the first time, it was a plea that was finally spoken and no longer existed as merely their individual deep desires. 

“I promise,” Jay had never said anything with so much conviction as he had in that moment. That moment was the official start of their new relationship and he had wanted them to start anew with a slate completely clean of their past haunts. “Can you promise me the same?” 

“I promise,” Erin had whispered back with just as much conviction as her partner. The two had then sealed their promise with a very intense round of lovemaking, their movements bringing a whole new meaning to the words that they had just spoken. 

Jay snapped out of the memory at the feel of Erin’s wet body clinging to his own. 

“Oh God Jay, no!” She was sobbing again and later, when everything was hashed out between the two, Jay would find the time to question just how she had so many tears in her body to cry. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean it. This is not your fault!” He wanted so badly to believe her, but it was hard to forget the image of her screaming at him, her hazel eyes turned near black with anger amidst the bloodshot red color the alcohol had given them. 

“I can’t believe I said that, I don’t even remember saying that, oh my God I am so sorry, I swear I didn’t mean it!” Erin continued to cry out. 

“A, a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts,” Jay numbly recited his father’s line to her, already regretting bringing her comments up as he watched her work herself up once more. 

“Jay,” Erin sobbed. “I didn’t mean it, I don’t blame you. I don’t even know what happened but I know it’s not your fault, please don’t think that! I am so sorry, I don’t know what I need to say or do to get you to believe that!” She leaned up and pressed her chapped lips against his own, the friction they created against his smooth ones both uncomfortable and comforting at the same time. 

“I promise you Jay, I don’t mean that, I don’t blame you. If anything, I blame myself. I-I never should have called him to help me move the body and I should have returned to Chicago the second the body was found and taken full responsibility for my actions. It’s my fault Al died, not yours and I don’t really know what I was thinking, but if I had to harbor a guess, I was so drunk and so angry at myself that I took it out on you and that’s not fair to you at all and I am sorry. Please believe me.” Erin’s hands raised to his face and brushed away the flecks of water that were clinging to the stubble growing on his face. 

Jay’s throat went dry at her words and he sucked in as much saliva as he could and swallowed deeply before he found the strength to look down into her eyes and see the bareboned truth in them. 

It was so plainly written on her face and in her eyes that she did not blame him, that he had been right all along and it was just the vodka speaking for her, that Jay had no choice but to nod his head and accept her apology. They promised to never lie to each other, to not keep things from each other…

“It’s not your fault either Er, you know Al and Voight would never have let you get involved even if you came back. This was something they had known could happen and they let it play out. It really fucking sucks but it is what it is.” A poor phrase to describe the situation, but the only one that Jay could think of. Because how else could the situation be described? It happened. And no matter what they said, did, or thought, nothing was changing that, Al was not coming back. 

“I just can’t believe he’s gone Jay,” Erin whimpered, her arms wrapping around Jay’s waist as she once again buried her head against his chest. 

“I know baby, I know,” Jay mumbled as his own head dipped downward and rested against hers. “I know.”

//

Later that evening, Jay and Erin were in the same spots against the large floor to ceiling window that they were in the night they confessed their desire to be a couple once more. Erin had finally worked through all five stage of grief and was now simply sharing with him her memories of Al, most of them taking place when she was a young teenager. 

“He was the reason Voight even let me stay with him and Camille, did you know that?” Erin asked, her gaze cast downward at the busy city below. Jay didn’t even get a chance to answer before she was continuing. “I had only been with them for like two weeks when I relapsed and Hank, he was just so done with me. Camille wasn’t too fond of having me stay in the beginning anyway and I just kept shitting on all of the chances that he gave me to prove her wrong, to prove that I was worth having in the house. And I made it so hard.” Erin’s head shook in disbelief at the memory of how much of a handful she had been in her early adolescent years. “So, just as Hank was about to say fuck it and drop me off at some group home or whatever, Al comes over and barters with him to give me just one more chance. ‘Third times the charm,’ he told me he had said. Then, he got all serious with me and said, ‘These are the two best people you ever could be staying with. If I have to actually hit you across the face to get that, then I will. They chose to take you in, to give you a home, to give you a second chance to get your life together. Why are you choosing to fuck that up?’ And I looked at him and said, ‘You wouldn’t actually slap me.’ And he gave me this look that I will never forget and then he dead ass slapped me across the face.” Erin then let out a small laugh at the memory, her first of the day. “It was the wakeup call that I needed.” 

“I can’t believe he actually hit you,” Jay remarked in shock. He watched as Erin shrugged her shoulders before replying, “Yeah well, it worked. I didn’t fall off the wagon once until…” Neither of them dared to bring up Nadia, their bodies and minds were just unable to handle the pain just mentioning her name would bring. 

“He was the one who told me about you, when you were kidnapped.” 

“Yeah, I uh, I know. He told when I was in the hospital. I was asking where you were and how you were doing and after he gave me the rundown of what Hank was going to have you to do so that you could come back to the unit, he told me. Said you came back for me.” It was one of the only times in his life that Jay had been rendered speechless; what do you say in response to finding out that the thing that pulled the girl you loved out of a hole so deep was you? Yeah, he didn’t know then and even now, two years later, he still didn’t know. 

“I did. I will always come back for you Jay,” Erin confessed, bringing her eyes up from the view below to face his own, which had been trained on her since the moment they had sat down on the wooden floors. “I know I kinda already alluded to this when we talked on the phone last, but when uh, when I can leave this FBI gig for good, I want to come back to Chicago. New York is great, but Chicago is home. You’re home. And if Al dying is teaching me anything, it’s that I don’t want to waste any more time with the people that I love. And I love you Jay, I love you and I want to be with you.” It was one thing hearing it over the phone, but to watch Erin profess her desire for a future with him had Jay feeling all kinds of emotions that he never thought were possible to feel, the most noticeable being an overwhelming sense of assurance that this woman sitting in front of him was his future; there was no doubt in his mind about that. He just had to make sure that she one hundred percent positive about that as well. 

“You’re sure you want to leave the job and move back to Chicago? I could be down to come here if you wanted to stay,” Jay informed, truthfully. Erin’s head was shaking back and forth in refusal of what his words were offering. 

“Chicago is home. It’s where I want to build my future. I am done running. Besides, what’s left of my family is there,” Erin admitted. Jay’s expression turned to one of alarm as he assumed that she meant Bunny, but his fears were quickly put to rest when she added, “Hank, Olive, Danny, the team, Trudy, you. You’re all my family and I don’t want to be away from everyone anymore.” 

Jay’s shoulders sagged in relief as he asked if she had a time frame in mind as to when she planned to come back. “When we spoke, you mentioned them letting you out of your contract early? Any more news on that?” Erin was silent for a moment and in that silence, Jay realized how messed up it was that they were having this conversation now, when just hours earlier, she was blackout drunk and screaming at him that he got Al killed. But, despite that, Jay knew this conversation was Erin’s way of focusing on something other than her grief and pain. Last time, she fell down the hole because she was unable to see herself living a life with any sense of meaning to it. By talking about her future with him in Chicago, she was creating the very life she had once avoided so that in the depths of her darkness, she had a light to cling to. 

Jay would be lying if he wasn’t secretly using this conversation for the same reason. 

“They changed their minds,” Erin spat out, snapping Jay from his thoughts. “It was used as a motivational tool to get me to finish out the case. I have to stay the full minimum year.” 

“That’s actually wicked shitty of them to do, are you serious?” Jay asked, shocked that Erin’s team would sink so low as to falsely promise her an out she obviously desperately wanted. 

“I told you, the FBI is way more intense than Chicago,” Erin huffed out. 

“Well, they must know good police when they see them, if they are trying so hard to hang onto you for as long as possible,” Jay complimented.

“When I get out, I’m done being a cop,” Erin confessed. Jay’s eyebrows went up in shock. He knew that she had been thinking about giving up her badge for good, but he honestly thought that it was just the severity of the case she was working on talking; he honestly didn’t think that she meant it.

“Why?” Jay managed to ask. Erin Lindsay as something other than a cop…just like the last time he tried to think about it, he was unable to conjure up an image. Jay watched as Erin shook her head as she tried to find the words to describe exactly what it was that she was feeling. 

“I just,” she started, her hands moving around in a circular motion in the air above her bent knees as if the gestures would fill in the words she was unable to find. “I don’t know, the job has lost its appeal. Like I said last time, I am so unhappy these days and I don’t want to go through the motions anymore. I can find so many other ways to help people, you know? Plus, if I come back to Chicago, it’s not like I will be able to join the team again anyway, I was stripped.” Erin paused to collect her thoughts once more before continuing. “Plus, with everything that just happened with Al, I just, I can’t do it anymore Jay, I just can’t.” 

Her words were a jumbled mess but Jay was still able to understand what she was trying to say. She had been disillusioned. It was a feeling he knew all too well and Jay would bet his life savings that she was giving up her job as a cop for the same reasons that he decided he no longer could be a soldier: the mind and body were done, their tolls taken. 

“So what are you thinking?” Jay asked, wanting all the info of the life Erin was building for them in her mind. He watched as Erin’s eyes lit up at the question in a way that told him her answer was what she was now meant to be doing. 

“Remember how I told you about that woman who walked me to school when I was living in the shelter with my mom? How my time there wasn’t bad because of her?” Erin questioned. Jay remembered the conversation they had at Molly’s over a beer almost immediately and the memory alerted Jay to exactly where their conversation now would be heading. 

“Of course,” Jay said with a smile. 

“Right, well, I was thinking how I could go work in a shelter and help the moms and their kids like she helped me and like Hank and Camille and Al helped me. When you have nothing, when you feel like your life is nothing, it means the world to you when someone comes in and shows you that you’re being stupid and that there is so much more to life than the shitty hand it has dealt you up until that point. I know that now and I want to be that person to others, I can be that person to others. It would be intense, but Olivia gave me the idea and I just…it feels right. It’s something that I can do on my own.” Erin explained, finishing with a shy smile. “What do you think?” 

Jay waited a moment, letting the anticipation of his answer build up in her before saying, “I think it’s perfect and I think Al would be proud that this is how you’re choosing to respond to him slapping you in the face.” 

Erin let out a watery laugh and nodded. “Yeah, I think he would too.”


	9. Chapter 9

Despite the beautiful weather outside, Sunday afternoon found Erin and Jay lounging on Erin’s couch in their pajamas with the TV set at a low volume in the background. It was turned onto some movie marathon channel but neither Jay or Erin were paying much attention to what was playing. Instead, they were simply relishing the feeling of being wrapped up in the other’s arms while sporadically making small talk. 

The day before had been heavy. In spite of the hope both of them were feeling following their conversation on Jay’s first night in the apartment, Erin woke up in the state of inconsolable grief and pain that he had both feared and expected. Nevertheless, Jay did the only thing that he felt he could do, which was wrap his arms around her while she cried and assure her that he loved her and was not going anywhere. He would be lying if he said he did not share a few tears with her as well. The day had been spent properly mourning an integral member of their makeshift family and had ultimately been very cathartic for them both. But, it also wiped them out, hence the lazy day they were currently enjoying together. 

However, no matter how mentally exhausted he was, Jay wanted to spend his last night in New York doing something that was not hanging around the apartment in their pajamas. Call him selfish, but Jay did not know when he would get the chance to come back and he did not want his only memories of this trip to be of them crying and moping around. Thinking heavily on it, he also felt that Al wouldn’t have wanted them to spend their time together this way; Al would simply have wanted them to go on with their lives while they still could. 

“Er,” Jay whispered as lightly guided the tips of his fingers up and down the arm that was wrapped around his midsection. “What do you say you and I get dressed and go out for dinner?” 

“What’s wrong with takeout?” Was Erin’s muffled response as she nestled her head deeper into his chest. 

“Nothing, nothing. I just…I don’t know, I thought it would be kind of nice, us going out on a date for a change.” Jay was now blushing; the words sounded much better in his head. 

“A date?” A flutter of hope soared in Jay at the obvious note of piqued interest in Erin’s tone. 

“Yeah, a date. You know, those things that couples do together? I know the idea might be a bit out there for you to conceive since I realize I suck as a boyfriend and never actually took you out much but no time like the present, eh?” Erin’s head pulled away at his comment and Jay sheepishly watched as her eyes scoured his face for…well, for what he didn’t exactly know. 

“Don’t say that, please don’t say that,” she demanded. “You do not suck as a boyfriend Jay, if anything, you are the best boyfriend anyone could have. Definitely way better than what I deserve.” 

Jay’s heart sank at her words. Even after all this time, she still could not see her worth and Jay truly had no idea how to change her mindset. 

“If I can’t say I suck as a boyfriend then you definitely can’t say that you don’t deserve me. Deal?” 

Erin leaned up and pressed a feather light kiss to his lips, knowing by the gleam in his eye that if she pressed any harder, they would never make this dinner he wanted them to go to. “Deal,” she breathed out, her lips mere centimeters away from his. “So, about that date?”

“Oh yeah, that date,” Jay croaked. With her body pressed against his and her hot breath breathing painstakingly close to his lips, Jay was finding it very hard to maintain control over himself. ‘Thank God for military training,’ he thought as he pulled himself away from her and untangled their limbs. He wanted this date and he was not about to let her distract him from getting it. The time for that would come later, the lack of intimacy they have had since he arrived all but ensuring that it would. “I say we get dressed up all nice and go out. Uh, well, not too nice I’m pretty sure I only packed jeans and t-shirts but you get the idea.” He lamely finished. Why the hell did he not think to pack at least a button down shirt? 

Mentally beating himself up, Jay took no notice to the smile that was beginning to grace Erin’s face, the first real one she smiled since Friday. If given the thought to really think about it, she would actually find that it was her first real smile since she spoke to him on the phone that night that found her freaking out and him calming her down. 

“I’m pretty sure I can find us a nice restaurant to go to that accepts your basic, everyday look,” Erin caved to his suggestion. “A date night sounds really nice and just what we—what I—need.” 

“Great! Uh, how about you look for a place while I go shower and get dressed since I’ll definitely be ready before you and would like just a tad bit of hot water in my shower,” Jay teased as he got up off of the couch and stretched out his arms high, his body becoming taut at the action. Erin stared at him appreciatively, taking in once more the amazing figure her boyfriend had. She felt no shame when she knew Jay caught her eyes lingering on the barely visible V shape abdomen that peaked through at the slight rise of his sleep shirt. 

“Right, uh,” Erin spluttered, clearly flustered by what she was seeing, her mind and body suddenly craving the man before her. “Sounds like a plan. Any type of food you’re in the mood for?” 

Catching on to the frazzled state his girlfriend was now in, Jay leaned forward so that he was eye level with her and with a wide smirk said, “Surprise me.”

Rolling her eyes at the obvious increased levels of cockiness Jay was now exhibiting, Erin chose to respond by simply holding her hand out and shooing him away. Jay obliged her request and laughed as he made his way to the bathroom attached to her bedroom. 

As he let the preferred lukewarm water cascade over his body, Jay was surprised at the giddiness that was bubbling up inside of him. Actually, he was more embarrassed than anything at how much he felt like he was back in high school and had just landed a date with the most popular girl in school. He chalked it up to the fact that what was going on between him and Erin was just so…new. Sure, they dated in the past and he had spent almost a week carrying his mother’s ring around in his pocket to give to her. It was a period of time that neither were able to forget. Yet, even with that level of seriousness following them around, reminding them of its presence at every touch, kiss, and simple gesture both he and she shared, it was becoming all too easy to get wrapped up in the newness of their rekindled relationship. 

Especially since they now had the opportunities to act like a normal couple, opportunities that, in the past, they had no access to. 

The giddiness Jay felt over their upcoming date tripled when he tried to bring to mind memories of the dates they went on while they were a couple in Chicago. Only a handful came to mind; one or two Blackhawks games, dinners at the Pig (though at least half of them took place before they began dating), and that awkward brunch with Bunny that tragically got cut short when a patrolman was murdered. Jay wanted nothing more than to just forget that last one, but asides from moving in together, it was one of the more couple-y things that they partook in, well, half partook in. Jay had made no effort whatsoever to introduce Erin as his girlfriend to his dad—hell, he had all but made it his life’s mission to ensure that the two would never meet. Patrick Halstead was many, many horrible things and Jay had no doubt in his mind that his father would be able to give Bunny a run for her money in many of the unfavorable categories she had a check mark under. 

Jay rubbed the shampoo into his hair much harder than necessary at the thought of his father and Bunny. Tonight was about him and Erin and their future. Now with this Bingham case no longer looming over them and having spent the past two days grieving together, they were finally in a position where they could move forward and begin making concrete plans for their future that was already beginning to take some shape—a little bit lopsided—but a shape nonetheless. 

In less than a year, Erin would be back in Chicago, living with him once again. Jay knew that it was extremely selfish of him to think so, but he was so incredibly relieved that she was coming back home and he was not going to be expected to come to New York. There was no doubt in his mind that he would have done so if she asked, but Jay had been dreading the thought of leaving his beloved Windy City since their first night together all those weeks ago. He truly did not know how he would have been able to leave the Unit, his friends, his brother, and the only place alongside his grandfather’s cabin that he felt whole in. Afghanistan had broken him and asides from getting back to his mom, the only other thing that kept him going each day was the solace he found in the idea of home in Chicago. 

It was Erin’s home too, perhaps even more so than his. She grew up in the literal streets of the city; Chicago shaped her into the woman that she was today. Bunny, Hank and Camille, the unit, himself, and her friends may have contributed to the very intricate details that were carved into her, but the city was her main sculptor. Jay knew that she knew she could never fully leave the place that had such a strong influence on her life; she would be drawn back to it eventually because it was not yet done with its work of art. 

“Geez Jay, I thought you said you were going to be quick!” Erin’s voice called out, pulling Jay out of his thoughts and back to the present. Shocked at how far his mind had wandered, he hollered back that he was just finishing up as he hastily tried to rinse the soapy mixture from his hair. 

The moment he turned the water off, Erin’s body pushed open the closed bathroom door. Jay gulped when he noticed that she had no clothes on. 

“So, I hope you’re in the mood for Italian because there is this amazing place that I know within walking distance from here and have been craving since you mentioned going out to eat and I just made a reservation for us to go in an hour,” she announced casually, as if Jay wasn’t standing totally flustered by the sight of her naked body. “The food is absolutely to die for and it’s owned by this really sweet, older couple. Plus, they aren’t super strict on dress codes so your jeans and t-shirt getup will still get you service,” she cheekily concluded, sending a wink his way before stepping into the shower herself and turning the water back on. 

“Sound great babe,” Jay responded as he began his post-shower routine. He had just finished combing and lightly gelling his hair and was beginning to pull out his razor to shave off the scruff that had grown over the past three days of him not shaving when Erin called out, “Stop!”

Startled because up until that point, the only sound in the bathroom was that of the water hitting the tiled shower floor, the razor Jay was holding fumbled in his hands before it was dropped into the sink with a clang. 

“Don’t shave! I like you with, with…” Erin trailed off, clearly embarrassed that she had not only given away the fact that she had been watching him, but with what she was about to admit. Jay chuckled at her inability to put into words what she wanted to say. Even amongst all of the new characteristics their relationship had developed, it was nice to see that some things remained the same. Erin had always struggled with putting together words of flattery, especially when it came to Jay’s body. It was obvious that she thought them, and she was very good at physically expressing them, but she was never able to verbally say them out loud; it was a trait that Jay found incredibly endearing. Even the tough as nails Erin Lindsay had her moments of weakness… 

“Haha, whatever you say Er,” Jay chuckled as he began to put away his shaving equipment. “Probably for the best, the steam from your shower is fogging up the mirror so badly that I’d end up cutting myself anyway.” Erin simply gave an amused hum in response as Jay turned his attention to finding his toothbrush. 

“Alright, I’m going to go get dressed,” Jay announced when he finished spitting the last of the minty mixture of spit and toothpaste from his mouth. “Don’t forget about that reservation you made! If we’re walking, we should probably leave in thirty minutes or so.” They both knew that if he didn’t remind her, she most likely would have spent the entire evening in her shower. It was one of her guilty pleasures, she had told him once. After spending too much of her childhood without warm water—actually, without running water at all—Erin had come to always find the need to indulge herself when she did have access to it. “When you go so long without having something, the minute you can have it, you want as much of it as you can get because you never know when you’ll get it again,” she had explained one night when he had questioned her about her excessively lengthy showers. Her words had been heartbreaking and Jay had been unable to come up with a response. He still was unable to come up with a response. Yeah, his home life may have been less than perfect growing up, but at least he never had to worry about something as simple as taking a hot shower. 

“I’ll be ready!” Erin called out to his retreating form, her eyes narrowing in on the lowly hung towel that sat just below his hips. If her craving for the Barbieri’s homemade chicken parmigiana wasn’t so strong, her desires to take Jay to bed definitely would have had her rushing out of the shower and taking him to bed, any thoughts of dinner be damned. But, with an ache in her stomach, she watched him exit the bathroom before she returned to washing herself up, making sure to supply an ample amount of jasmine plum scented body wash all over herself, knowing that Jay would most definitely appreciate it later. 

It was with a sharp pain in her heart that Erin allowed herself to think about how happy and normal she felt in this moment. Al’s death had rocked her to her core. He was one of her three invincible heroes and yet, that had not been enough. But, somehow, the memory of him slapping her across the face all those years ago, telling her to pull herself together and take the second chance life had gifted her replaying over and over in her mind made it possible for her to see the light at the end of the tunnel of grief. And, for the first time ever, she allowed someone to guide her towards that light and it was no surprise that she reached it as quickly as she did. Even with all of the alcohol she had consumed, the journey once Jay joined in went relatively smoothly with very minimal bumps in the road. 

Erin was not dumb, she knew that the main reason Jay had come was to make sure the news of Al’s death did not send her a thousand steps backwards like Nadia’s had. And if her actions that succeeded Olivia’s delivery of the news was any indication, she most likely would have succumbed to the fate she knew both Hank and Jay were especially scared of her falling victim to had Jay not arrived when he did. 

Truthfully, she was scared of how much her happiness was beginning to rely on having Jay in her life. Maybe it wasn’t healthy, or maybe it was and this was just how love worked, but Erin had no regrets. Scared or not, Jay brought something to her life that made it an innumerable amount better and there was no way she was going to let anything jeopardize the future that they currently have going for them; she owed it to Al that she didn’t.

The man had tried so hard and for so long, even after the day he hit her, to get her to see that she was someone that was worth having another’s love. At the time, he definitely meant Hank and Camille’s, but it was because of Al that she was experiencing a love that she didn’t even believe existed in fairytales. Hank and Camille were the only love story she had believed in, but even they had their faults. And while that was not to say that she and Jay didn’t have theirs, but…God, she didn’t even have the words to describe what having Jay in her life meant to her…It was sick and pathetic and if she could, she mostly definitely would slap herself for how ridiculous this whole relationship thing made her but, what else could one really think when a man sees you at your absolute lowest point and still chooses to stick around and treat you better than you ever thought you could be treated? 

For a girl who grew up with no love, Erin craved the love and support that Jay so willingly offered her, even at the expense of himself. 

Having him here with her this weekend, made coming to terms with Al’s death so much more manageable and, by some miracle, she was in a state where she was not drunk out of her mind, but planning a nice evening out with her boyfriend. She was happy and content and while the pain and loss was still there, it was not something she felt the need to hone in on and focus all of her time and energy getting lost in. 

She liked to think that Al and Nadia would be so proud of how far she had come. In the span of one death to another, Erin had finally learned how to live with the good life offered her as opposed to just focusing on the shitty cards it dealt her a bit too frequently. 

Of course, none of that absolved her of the guilt she felt over the fact that Al paid the ultimate price for a choice she made. She didn’t think that kind of guilt would ever leave her; an innocent man had lost his life because she wanted to cover up the murder of a not so innocent man. It was a sick twist in her story, but as Jay not so eloquently told her yesterday, what’s done is done and no sense wasting the life that Al’s sacrifice ultimately allowed her to have. 

“You make it sound so simple,” Erin had cried. Dutifully wiping the tears that were racing down the already made tracks on her cheeks, Jay had given her a look that told her he knew what he was telling her was anything but simple. 

“It’s not,” he had croaked out, as if the memories of how he knew this to be true were constricting his throat and making it impossible for him to speak. “But I know that it can be done. Me being here right now is proof of that.” 

If Jay said that it could be done, then she would do it, starting tonight with going out to dinner with her boyfriend and then bringing him home and enjoying the last few hours that she would have with him until he had to leave tomorrow. The time for mourning was over. Now, it was time to live. 

//

Erin looked at Jay in shock as he ordered a much too expensive bottle of wine. 

“Are you crazy?” She loudly whispered, totally aghast by his actions. “You don’t even like wine!” Erin felt some sense of satisfaction at the sheepish look that crossed over Jay’s face at her admonishment.

“Yeah, but you do and the bottle is Al’s favorite,” he quietly and cautiously explained, as if he was worried that his actions seriously upset her. The mortified feeling Erin had as she listened to him rattle off the order immediately vanished at his clarification. “I just thought that it would be nice to, I don’t know, have a glass in his honor.” She did not know how many times she would have to remind herself, but Erin Lindsay did not know for the life of her what she did to deserve such a kind, considerate, and generous man like Jay Halstead in her life. 

Ashamed at herself for rebuking him and calling him crazy, Erin just said, “Sounds good,” in response while attempting to muster the largest smile that she could manage. 

“You know, it’s not that I don’t like wine.” Leave it to Jay to always find a conversation starter when she was left without words. 

“Oh yeah?” Erin played along, knowing that he would not continue until she demonstrated to him that her interest was piqued. And piqued it was. She was always amazed by Jay’s ability to be so private yet so open at the same time. He always seemed to have a story for everything, but he had an uncanny knack for telling them without revealing too much information about himself. Of course, that did not stop Erin from grasping onto every bit of information that he sent her way, especially now when he was making much more of an effort to be as open with her as possible.

“Yeah,” he said, leaning forward in his seat, his elbows now on the restaurant table. He was in full storyteller mode. “I actually used to love it when I was a kid.” 

“A kid? Jay, why in the world were you drinking wine as a kid?” 

“You are not allowed to laugh,” Jay warned, prompting Erin to do exactly what he told her not to. She loved how he rolled his eyes at her pathetically girlish giggles knowing that his warning was not going to be heeded. With a quick shake of his head and a pointed glare sent her way, Jay continued, “Well obviously, as a kid you want everything that you can’t have right? So naturally, whenever I would see my parents drink, I wanted some and they always said ‘no, you can have it when you’re older.’ And man, that pissed me off, especially since Will was an asshole and loved to be that stupid, stereotypical obnoxious older brother. Anyway, one thing about my mom was that she loved wine. I swear, dinner was not to be served unless she had her glass of wine with her.” Jay paused to make sure that she was following along with what he was saying; she raptly was. “Every night at dinner, before my dad would sit down at the table, I’d always ask my mom for a sip. She’d never let me have one.” 

“Of course she wouldn’t,” Erin laughed, completely captivated by the gleam that entered his eyes whenever he talked about his mom. 

“Right, I know. Now, as you know ‘cause pretty sure you, Ruzek, and Kev have shit on me a thousand times for it, I grew up in a very strict Irish Catholic home—”

“I’m sure you were such a good little altar boy,” Erin mocked with a laugh. That had always been the running joke between her and the two detectives that seemed more like her brothers than her actual brother (an incredibly sad, but definitely true realization she had come to over the years). 

“Actually yes, I was,” Jay officially confirmed for the first time since the joke originated. “When I turned twelve, you can bet your ass one of the first things my mom made me do was march down to St. Mary’s and tell Fr. Declan that I wanted to be an altar server.” Jay paused again, this time to give Erin the space she needed to get in the jokes at his expense she had been holding in over the years off of her chest

“I can just picture it now, this scrawny, little, freckly kid in the white robes…man, wait until I call up Ruz and Kev and confirm what we all knew to be true. I bet you secretly loved it to, yeah?” 

“Oh, definitely,” Jay said, unable to maintain a straight face as he did. “Wanna know why?” 

“Dying to,” she played along. 

“Because at each mass, I had to drink the left over wine after communion since it couldn’t be wasted,” he explained. “So I got to drink just like my parents and have my mom’s favorite drink because it was technically the Blood of Christ so no one could tell me that I wasn’t old enough to drink it.”

Erin laughed at his explanation. “What does that have to do with you not liking wine then?” She asked, not missing the slightly paler complexion Jay was now sporting. 

“One Sunday when it was just absolutely a mess outside, my mom still hauled us off to church and I had to alter serve since there were maybe ten people total in the church. Wicked Catholic families don’t miss mass, even when there is a Goddamn blizzard going on. So, mass goes on as usual and when it came time for cleaning up after communion, I had to drink the leftover wine and since the church was practically empty, there was so much wine left. To make a long and extremely gross story short, I experienced my first ever hangover after that day,” Jay finished, wincing at the memory. 

“You got sick?” Erin gasped, unable to hide the enjoyment she was getting out of the mental image Jay was providing her. 

“Oh yeah, so sick,” Jay confirmed. “It was so gross and awful that I’ve made a point to avoid wine as much as possible.” 

“With the exception of tonight though,” Erin reminded, touched that Jay was willing to go to such lengths to honor Al’s memory. 

“With the exception of tonight,” Jay repeated with a slight smile, one that Erin just knew was connected to some memory of Al that he was now thinking of. 

As if on cue, the waiter arrived at their table not even five seconds after the words left Jay’s mouth ready to pour the expensive wine into their glasses. 

“To Alvin Olinsky,” Jay toasted. 

“To Al,” Erin murmured back before clinking her glass against Jay’s. “Man, I should look into ordering expensive wine more often, this is delicious.” She commented after she took a few sips. 

“Al always did boast about how he was a wine connoisseur,” Jay remarked. 

The waiter came back shortly after and took their dinner orders, leaving the couple to make small talk once he left. 

“So, what’s been new with you? That’s not work related,” Erin asked. When they were dating before, she very rarely took the time to talk to Jay about him and his life. She realized now that their relationship had always been about her, her life, and her problems. She never took the time to properly reciprocate all of the love and attention that Jay gave her, partly because she didn’t know how to. That was all going to change now, she was determined to make sure that it would, and the only way that she could think to initiate that change was by blatantly asking Jay about himself. 

Jay picked up on what she was doing and why (he always knew her so well) and Erin noticed that he was actually taking the time to contemplate his answer. If she was going to make an effort to change a not-so-great aspect about their relationship in the past, then so would he. 

“I’ve…uh…I started seeing my dad a bit,” Jay finally answered, his confession causing Erin’s eyebrows to raise in surprise. That was the last response that she expected to come out of him. 

“Wow.” She reached across the table and placed her hand above his own and gave it a light squeeze of support. “It’s been years since you’ve spoken to him. What changed?” 

Jay turned his hand upwards and laced his fingers with her own. “My therapist encouraged me to go see him, something about getting things off of my chest.” Jay shook his head, signaling to her that he thought that the whole idea was ridiculous. “Anyway, when I got there he was a mess and was having trouble breathing and, well, turns out something was wrong with his heart and had to be brought to Med to have emergency heart surgery.”

“Oh my God Jay, is he okay?”

“I guess,” Jay shrugged. “Will and I take turns going over to the house to make sure the bastard is still alive. It’s never a pleasant visit.” He let out a huff of breath as he gave a small shake of his head. “Will actually convinced him to move out of the house and into some apartment complex downtown closer to Med. The house is just too much for him to take care of, not that he really did before but…” With the way that he trailed off, Erin could tell that Jay was torn up about his father moving out of his childhood home. 

“Have things been getting better for you two or—”

“No, he’s still the same shitty dad that he always was,” Jay cut her off, as if he didn’t even want to entertain the idea that their relationship was showing hopes of improvement. Erin struggled to think of a response. She knew all too well what it was like to have an awful parent, but her relationship with Bunny was nowhere close to that of Jay’s with his father. Bunny was an addict and the drugs she consumed too much of made it impossible for her to be the loving mother Erin wanted so desperately for her to be. But in addition to Bunny, Erin had Hank and Camille: two people who took her in and loved her unconditionally despite all of her faults and wrongdoings. 

Jay just had his mom and dad growing up and his mom died too soon and his dad mistreated him for no reason. There was no outside influence on the emotional and mental abuse Patrick Halstead inflicted, he just treated Jay the way he did because he wanted to.

“When does he move into the new place?” Erin brought herself to ask, knowing that Jay would not want sympathy and comfort, especially in such a public place. 

“This weekend actually. Will texted me a picture of all the boxes Dad made him carry up into the new place. He’s such a baby,” Jay chuckled as he remembered the not-so-nice text Will had sent for leaving him to move his dad out all on his own. 

“Speaking of Will,” Erin quickly jumped at the opportunity to change the subject she knew Jay would be much more comfortable talking about. “What’s going on with him and Natalie? Are they finally together?”

“They finally are…I think. They’re always together and he’s been spending a lot of time with her son as well but there has not been an official announcement,” Jay informed, visibly relieved that the conversation was steered away from his dad. He may have brought it up, but it was not a topic he wanted to dwell on for too long. Jay just hoped that Erin appreciated the small effort he made to let her more into the part of his life that is usually off limits to everyone. 

“Tell him, from me, that he needs to get his shit together like yesterday,” Erin ordered with a laugh. 

“Hang on, I will text him right now,” Jay said as he pulled his phone out of the pocket of his trusty leather jacket. “Smile for the camera.” He said as he held his phone up to take a picture of her to attach to the message. Instead of smiling, Erin instead pulled a face and pointed her finger out. 

She wants you to get your shit together (like yesterday) with Nat, Jay typed out. Holding up his phone for Erin to check the message before sending it to Will, he watched as she nodded in approval, loving the smile that was forming across her face. 

A short while later, their food arrived and all conversations between the two were halted as the scarfed down their meals. It wasn’t until they had their first bites did they realize just how little they had eaten over the past two days. 

“Man,” Jay groaned, the noise causing goosebumps to erupt all over Erin’s body. “You were right, this food is absolutely amazing!” 

“Babe, when are you going to realize that I am always right?” Erin’s reply was light and playful and when Jay looked up from his food, she sent a flirty wink his way. 

“Who says I—”

“Halstead? Man, is that really you?” A deep voice boomed from the side of them. Erin noticed immediately how Jay tensed up before turning to face the voice’s owner. 

“Oh man it is! What are you doing in the Big City brother? Thought you were a strictly Chicago man.” Erin watched as Jay got up to greet the large, tall, and muscular man that had interrupted their dinner. The short cut hairdo that the man was sporting was a dead giveaway to Erin that he was a military man, meaning that Jay most likely knew him from his time in the Rangers. The thought made Erin’s blood run cold.

“Big Mac, good to see you brother!” Jay clasped his friend’s hand and pulled him into a tight hug. “It’s been awhile.” 

“Fuck man, it’s been way too long,” the guy apparently called ‘Big Mac’ said as he pulled away. “I missed your cute little baby face man.” Erin was full of curiosity as she watched the man reach up and pinch Jay’s cheeks, wondering if Jay would introduce her. The chuckle that slipped out of her mouth as she watched Jay swat at the man’s large hands cupping both side of his face alerted Big Mac to her presence. 

“No way, this your girl?” He asked, jerking his thumb in her direction. Erin’s face flushed at the sudden attention she was getting. A part of her really wanted to be an outsider looking in at their interaction.

“Yeah man, this is Erin Lindsay. We were partners back in Chicago and now she works here for the FBI. I’m just here visiting for the weekend,” Jay explained, gesturing the man to slide into the space beside him in the booth they were seated at. 

“No shit? Who knew you could land such a hot badass Halstead!” Erin’s eyebrows furrowed together, unsure if what he said should be taken as a compliment or not. Judging by the way Jay laughed in response, she figured it was. 

“Erin, this is Peter McDonald, aka Big Mac. We were in the same unit together during my first tour. It’s been, what? Seven years since I’ve last seen you?” 

“Something like that,” Peter said with a shake of his head. “Way too fucking long. But it’s nice to meet you Erin.” He reached his hand over the table so that he could shake hers. His grip was tight and firm as he gave her hand a quick shake up and down before letting it go. Erin appreciated that he greeted her with the same strength he shook Jay’s hand with; she hated when guys acted like she was too weak to handle them. 

“Nice to meet you too,” Erin responded politely, noticing that both men’s attentions were already back on each other. 

“So you’re what? A detective now right? Good for you man,” Peter praised, slapping Jay on the back. 

“Yeah and I’m still in Chicago—” “Of course!”—“And things have been going good. Can’t complain.” 

“Wow, that’s awesome. You know for a while there we were all worried about you.” Peter’s tone turned serious for a moment, but only a brief one. “But, of course you’d get your shit together man, you’re Jay fucking Halstead!” He turned to Erin then. “I’m sure you know, but there isn’t a thing this damn kid can’t do. It’s crazy, he kicked so much ass when we were over there we almost had to change his nickname from Father to Killer.” Erin’s eyes flashed over to Jay’s and noticed that, while the smile was still on his face at the presence of his old friend, his body had gone tense again. 

“Why did you call him Father?” The nickname was so different from anything she could have imagined that she had to ask. 

“Haha oh man, well, he used to always carry around these rosary beads with him and was always praying, like always. That, tied with the fact he never went after any of the girls like the rest of the single shits, made people think he was celibate because let me tell ya, some of the girls we were with over there were mighty fine. Also didn’t help that, even though he was one of the youngest, he was the most responsible one out of the whole unit. So, we started calling him Father Jay, but that was too long so it was shortened to Father,” Peter dramatically explained. 

“From altar boy to Father Jay, I can see the development now,” Erin teased, unable to help herself. 

“No shit you were an altar boy? HA! I’m gonna have to ring up some of the guys and tell them!” Peter laughed. 

“You hear from them much?” Jay asked.

“Here and there. Still talk pretty consistently to Taco and Paddy and Fat Cat reaches out to me every couple of months. He’s married now, has a kid on the way, God help him.” Erin watched as both Jay and Peter shuddered at the thought of their friend married with a kid. “Once in a blue moon when I’m down the Cape for the summer I’ll run into Tommy-boy at a bar but that’s it. What about you? I’m assuming you and Mouse are still attached at the hip?”

“He was working tech with my unit for a bit but he actually reenlisted last year. Got recruited for a tactical team and is doing some pretty heavy duty ops from the sound of it. He calls whenever he can but haven’t heard from him in like…two months now? It’s been a bit. He’s doing great though, way better than I ever thought he would be given how he was after our last tour.” Jay paused to give him a knowing look. “Like you, I hear from Fat Cat every once in a while and Paddy likes to call me here and there as well. But that’s about it. I suck at keeping in touch with people, you know that. Anyways, what’s up been up with you? Last we really spoke you were just buying that Cape house. Family doing good and everything?”

“Yeah, yeah they’re doing great. Kathy’s a saint dealing with me and the hellions we’re raising. Five boys! Kept trying for that girl because that’s all she wants but finally we had to say enough is enough. I swear, it’s a miracle she didn’t kill me when Greg was born,” Peter filled in. 

“Oh man, that’s gotta be tough,” Jay laughed. 

“Oh yeah, thank God for that Cape house man. Saved our marriage and our sanity. There’s nothing the beach can’t cure, I’m sure of it,” Peter shook his head, as if still in disbelief that he was the father to five boys. “I’ve been dabbling in real estate believe it or not. Doing pretty well for myself and Kath is a still a doctor at Mass Gen. We’re some of the lucky ones man, that’s all I’m gonna say.” Jay nodded his head in silent agreement, an action that told Erin being ‘lucky’ was a term that extended much further than Peter’s home life. 

“That’s awesome, happy for you brother. So, what brings you to New York?” Jay asked. 

“My cousin is getting married. Supposed to be meeting the poor girl he’s getting hitched to here for dinner but of course they’re late. Don’t bother me though, especially since you’re letting me crash your little date.” 

“Crash it anytime man, it’s honestly real good to see you. We should all try and get a reunion or something together soon. It’d be good to see everyone in person,” Jay suggested. 

“We’d have to go to Arkansas if we were to do that. Taco refuses to get in a plane to go anywhere these days. Bad trip during his last tour.” Erin silently observed how both men’s eyes darkened. “Arkansas could be fun though, good college baseball and football.” 

“I’d be down for a little tailgating,” Jay admitted with a smile. 

“Sweet, lets actually plan something. I miss all you sons-of-bitches. It’s been way too long since we all actually saw each other in person.” Peter’s attention was then drawn to a couple making their way into the restaurant’s dining room. “Ah shit, there’s my cousin and his fiancé. I gotta go. Halstead, brother, it was great seeing you my man. Number’s still the same if you ever get over the horrible inability you have at keeping in touch.” Jay got up with his friend and pulled him in for another hug. 

“I’ll work on it, it was great to see you. And I mean it, let’s get the unit together and plan a trip to Arkansas,” Jay said as they pulled apart. 

“Definitely! See you around man, enjoy the rest of your trip with your girl.” And with that Peter ‘Big Mac’ McDonald walked away from the table and made his way over to the other side of the restaurant. Despite the distance, both Erin and Jay could hear his booming voice greet the soon-to-be-married couple. 

Where Jay immediately turned his attention back to his food, Erin took a moment to observe her boyfriend, fear building up in her with every second that she did. The last time that someone from Jay’s past had shown up unexpectedly, Jay left her heartbroken and alone in their apartment and their entire relationship crumbled around them. 

There was no way that that could happen again…she wasn’t sure if she would be able to survive the heartbreak if it did. 

“Talk to me Jay,” Erin pleaded softly. “You alright?” 

Jay’s eyes slowly lifted from his plate and raised to meet her own. Erin’s heart sank when she realized that he was masking his emotions from her. Even his eyes, which always clued her into what he was feeling when the rest of his body did not, were completely blank. ‘Maybe that is what he’s feeling,’ a voice rang out in the back of her mind. 

“Yeah, yeah. All good.” His response proved the little voice wrong. The tone that he spoke in was too upbeat and very clearly fake. Erin was scared that he was shutting down and it killed her to know that there was nothing she could do about it now to prevent it. As much as she wanted to push him to talk to her, she knew that she had to give him the space he obviously wanted there to be between them, especially with his army buddy seated in the same room as them. Jay put a lot of stock into maintaining the image that he was fine, that he was anything but damage goods that the war returned back to the States when it was through with him. Erin did not have the heart to demand he take off the front he showed the world; she would just have to wait until later when the world was not watching and it was just her, she would have a better chance then. 

“Seriously Er.” Jay must have picked up on her staring. “I’m good and just want to enjoy this nice dinner with my beautiful girlfriend.” Erin blushed at his words and silently turned her attention back to her own dinner. She would get him to talk later…she had to.

//

Jay’s mind was racing. Seeing Big Mac again after all of these years stirred up so many unwanted memories in him. Likewise with Abby, Jay had truly meant it when he told his old war buddy that it was good to see him again. Despite all of the horrors that he and his comrades had seen, there were also the in-between moments that they shared and almost all of them were good memories. Like the unit he was with now, he considered both of his units overseas to be a family, especially the guys he was with during his first tour, back when he was still naïve had not been disenchanted by the whole thing. 

But, even though it may have been great to see Big Mac again, that did not mean that the old memories that were stirred up would remain quiet. And that was what had his mind racing. The memories he had long learned to live with, it was what how they made him feel and how they made him act that had him on edge. 

“You know,” Erin’s spoke, her sultry tone breaking through the current of thoughts streaming through his mind at a rapid pace. “I still have room for some dessert, do you?” She tilted her head upwards and lightly grazed her lips across his own, forcing Jay to bite back a moan.

He knew what she wanted. All night, there had been a fully charged sexual energy hovering over them just waiting to be turned on and put to use. They playfully flirted and teased each other shamelessly and prior to seeing Big Mac, Jay was using every ounce of control that he had to not tear the simple dress she had put on off of her body and take her to bed and keeping her there until the sun rose the next morning. All thoughts of sex vanished from his mind the second he heard that deep, booming voice. Jay was going to have to be alone tonight and every night until he was positive that there would be no repercussions to seeing his friend. 

There was a reason that he rarely reached out to his own army buddies, especially when he was in a relationship. He could never risk what happened with Abby to ever happen again. For a split, horrible second, Jay’s mind replaced Abby with Erin and he had to reach out and grasp onto Erin’s waste to keep himself upright. God, just the thought of his hands on Erin in any way that was not showing her how much he loved her made him sick. 

“Jay?” Erin’s raspy voice pulled him from his mind once more. This time, there was no hint of sultriness; it had been replaced with concern. Jay closed his eyes and breathed in deeply in hopes to calm the panic attack that was threatening to take over him. He had been able to maintain his composure at the restaurant, a well-practiced act he had perfected over the years, but now that he was secluded in Erin’s apartment with just the two of them…there was little to no hope for his mental state. 

“Erin, I’m sorry, I just don’t think that I’m in the mood,” Jay croaked out. He had to maintain control. He had to maintain control. He had to maintain control. 

A loss of control meant that she got hurt and he would sooner die than lay a hand on Erin. 

“I think that the wine is doing me in and I just want to grab my stuff and go to bed if that’s alright with you?” Jay forced himself to say, turning his head so that he would not have to see the look of devastation that was most definitely on her face. ‘Words can hurt just as much as fist,’ his mind bitterly reminded him. 

“What do you mean ‘grab your stuff?’” Erin fearfully asked. 

“I’m gonna sleep in the guest room tonight,” Jay whispered, so tempted to bring his hands up to cover his ears to maybe muffle her sounds of disapproval.

“No, no, you’re not running from this! Not again! I won’t let you!” Erin screamed. “We are not doing this again! You don’t just get to leave when you want to hide something from me! Especially now! I lost Al, Jay, I can’t lose you too!” 

The tension in Jay’s body tightened as he struggled to maintain his control once more. How could she not see that he had to walk away? At least for the night? 

“Erin, I, I have to. I don’t want to hurt you.” He wished that he could explain it better but after all the years he spent repressing his memories and feelings of that night in Vegas made it impossible for him to find the words. He told her what he could the last time he visited and if she was unable to realize just how bad the situation was then he was screwed because that was the only explanation that he had. 

“Jay, I know you. You won’t hurt me. You love me and I love you and for once, please, just let me help you through this. Time and time and time again you are there for me and save me from myself, please let me return the favor.” She was begging and that only made it worse. How fucked up did he allow himself to get where in the span of minutes his girlfriend went from wanting to have sex with him all night to desperately begging him to let her “save” him. 

“Damn it Erin, no! I thought…” The breaths he was taking were shorter and faster and making it very hard for him to piece together a sentence. “I thought seeing Abby was good and it took me months to recover. I don’t know how I am going to be tonight so please just respect my wishes and do as I say and let me sleep in the guest room by myself.” Jay completely turned his body away from her then, not wanting to see her reaction to his words and not wanting her to see the panic attack that was now threatening to hold his body and mind hostage. 

“Jay, babe,” Erin whispered. Jay flinched when he felt her hand reach up and touch the small of his back. His skin burned under the spot where her hand was positioned. “I don’t know what to do, I…please don’t shut down on me. We can work through this together.”

“I just need the night Er, just the night,” Jay begged, his voice shaky and weak. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the last night we had planned.” Because even with everything that he was feeling, regret that his last night in New York had been reduced to this was the most prominent of them all. He felt like he was letting her down by not maintaining a better hold over his emotions. 

“Oh Jay,” Erin breathed out, slowly and cautiously wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her body up against his bad. “Please don’t apologize, never apologize for this. I understand.” Maybe on some level she actually did, but Jay knew that until she woke up with his hands pressing down around her neck, she would never fully understand what was going on. He hoped to God that she never would be able to.

“Why can’t we ever catch a break Er?” Jay mumbled, his body selfishly seeking refuge against Erin’s. It was a thought that he had more than once and as he felt her hands run up and down his stomach in a comforting manner, it was all Jay could think to ask. He just wanted a nice night out with his girlfriend, a chance for them to be a normal couple in the midst of all of their grief and pain. And just when he thought they had achieved that, life threw them another unexpected curveball. He was leaving tomorrow and their last night together for who knows how long was ruined. Because of him. Because of his stupid PTSD. Fuck. 

“I don’t know Jay, but I do know we will get through this. We’ve been through too much already not to.” Erin spoke so surely and clearly that Jay felt he had no choice but to believe her. 

Turning his body around so that he was now facing her, Jay leaned down and pressed a gentle, unassuming kiss to her lips. He noticed the tears that were in her eyes and he twisted his arm upwards so that he could wipe them away. Brushing the pad of his thumb lightly against the skin under her eyes, Jay whispered, “You’re right.” 

“I told you, I’m always right,” Erin reminded him. “Are you feeling better?” It was a loaded question and the honest answer was no, he was not. But, Jay knew she was only referring to the slight panic attack he was fighting to keep at bay and to that he was able to answer “yes” because something about being in her arms grounded him and kept his mind steady enough to regain a portion of the control that he lost. 

“Better enough to come take a shower with me?” There was just enough cheekiness in her tone that tipped Jay off that whatever she wanted would not go beyond the shower. The relief he felt with the knowledge that she would respect his wishes to sleep by himself for the night had him nodding slowly in response. 

“Yeah, I think I could use a nice, hot shower before bed.” The smile that she gave him was all the indication that he needed to know that he was doing the right thing. She needed this and deep down, he knew that he needed this too, and not for all of the inappropriate reasons many would naturally assume. After the weekend that they had, they both needed to feel connected to the other on all levels and have the opportunity to pour all of their grief, pain, heartbreak, and love into the other. 

As they waited in the bathroom for the water to warm up, their clothes in a pile at their feet, Jay wrapped his arms around Erin and pulled her tightly against him in a bone crushing hug. 

“I love you. No matter what happens…I love you so much and I am not walking away. Not this time and not ever. There are going to be some times when I just need space and this is one of them but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Please, never forget that,” he said, pulling away slightly and cupping her chin with his hand. Tilting her face upwards, he smothered her with his lips before she could respond. They remained lip-locked together longer than they should have and finally pulled away when they felt the shower’s steam settling on top of their skin. 

“I won’t. I love you Jay,” Erin assured when their lips disconnected. Jay gave a small nod in appreciation at her words before he took ahold of her hand and pulled her into the small shower space. He may have to spend the night alone, but in this moment they could be together and he was not going to waste a single second of their already too precious time. 

His demons were coming, but they could be ignored just a little bit longer, especially since for the first time ever he would not be fighting them alone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: a large portion of this chapter is directly quoted from Chicago Med S4xE02 "When to Let Go". I do not own the plot or the language used and referenced to, that all belongs to the show's creators.

Loud screams and a searing pain erupting in his right hand woke Jay up with a start. His eyes snapped open and then immediately squinted shut because they were unable to handle the bright lights that had been turned on in the room. The light mixed with the pain was blinding and with no knowledge of what was going on, Jay positioned his body into a defensive stance in case this was some sick trick and his attackers came back. He was not going to let them take him without a fight. 

“Jay!” A woman’s voice called out in a contradictory firm but shaky tone. ‘Wait, a woman’s voice? And why did it sound familiar?’ Jay’s mind questioned as it apparently struggled to catch up to reality. 

“Jay, wake up!” The voice called out again, it’s request tearing down the defensive stance his body still had not fallen out of. 

He had been dreaming. It was all a dream. 

Well, no, it had not been all a dream; it was real. It was just not his reality now. There was a huge difference. 

“Jay?” He let Erin’s voice wash over him and ground him into the present. He was in New York. He was with Erin. Al had died and he came to see Erin. He was going home to Chicago in a few hours. He had seen Big Mac at dinner. He requested that he sleep in the guest room. He was safe in America. He was not in Afghanistan. 

“Jay, are you okay?” Erin asked. Finally feeling like he could open his eyes and keep them open, Jay slowly did so and immediately noticed his girlfriend was hovering in the doorway. Her body was half covered by the bedroom door and her eyes were open wide, the fear she was feeling so evident in them. She was scared of him, Jay realized with a sinking feeling. 

“Yeah, yeah, just a nightmare.” That much was true: it was a nightmare, had been then and still was now as the images of his friends’ bodies blown to pieces across the desert sands still flashed across his mind. 

Erin slowly and shakenly made her deeper into the room he had been occupying until she was standing no more than a few inches away from him. With an unsteady hand, she slowly reached out and took hold of his own injured one. Jay hissed at the contact and jerked his hand away quickly. 

“You’re bleeding,” Erin whispered, the state of shock she was in still very much apparent. Her words caused Jay to look down to confirm for himself that what she was saying was true—it was. Blood was dripping from his knuckles and there was a deep gash that started from in between his middle and ring finger and ran across the back of his hand. Confusion led Jay to finally bring himself to look around the room and take in the damage that he had inflicted on it.   
At a first glance, he saw that the pillows had been thrown in every direction possible, the sheets on the bed were a wrinkled mess on the floor, and the lamp on the nightstand beside the bed had been smashed when he apparently overturned the surface it was sitting on. All things considered, the mess he initially observed wasn’t that bad; it was definitely not bad enough to cause his hand to be in the condition that it was in. So, he forced himself to inspect the room again to find the culprit behind his injury. His eyes widened in understanding when they fell upon the picture frame that contained one of Erin’s signed band posters looking as if it had been punched numerous times. The glass was shattered and specks of blood sat on the few remaining pieces of the frame and were smeared across the white background of the picture. Erin must have noticed how his searching eyes paused on the frame because she turned her body around to see what he was looking at and let out a loud gasp when she noticed what he had done to her poster. 

“Erin, I, God, I am so sorry. I don’t know…” Jay’s voice was hollow and weak, the same tone it always was after a particularly bad nightmare all but sucked the life out of him. 

“Don’t apologize, it’s okay,” Erin said softly, as if she knew that he was not really listening to what she was saying. “Let’s just get you cleaned up, yeah?” She did not wait for his response, which was a good thing because he did not have one to give her. With a gentle hand, Erin grabbed onto Jay’s bicep and slowly pulled him from the room and into her own bathroom. After she sat him on the covered seat of her toilet, Jay watched as Erin busied herself by digging through her cabinets for the medical supplies that she needed to fix his cut hand. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Erin asked after she had found all of the materials that she needed and was on her knees in front of him and wiping the blood from his hand with antiseptic liquid. The stinging feeling that the liquid’s touch gave him barely phased him. His mind was still too wound up by the images he had seen in his dreams. Looking down at the tired woman in front of him, Jay knew that she expected him to give her something—anything really—to explain what had woken her up in the middle of the night. He let out a few shaky breaths as he tried to figure out what to tell her. 

“It’s never memories from my first tour, only my second,” he finally settled on. Erin silently began wrapping his cut with gauze and tape as she processed what he had told her. 

“Why do you think that is?” She questioned when she finished. Now that he was all cleaned up, she sat back and scooted against the closed shower doors. Jay knew that she was trying to make herself as comfortable as she could because there was no way she was letting either of them leave this bathroom until they talked. 

Jay both loved and hated her for it. 

“I honestly don’t know,” he said truthfully. “My uh, my therapist thinks it’s because the second tour was just…It was a lot worse than the first.” Erin’s hand reached out and soothingly ran up and down the back of his calf. Jay allowed himself to relish in the feelings of comfort that she was providing before he continued speaking. This was the first time that he was able to recall waking up from a nightmare and being offered comfort. 

“I saw a lot of bad stuff my first tour, but no one died. My unit all made it home. Not all in one piece, there were a few missing limbs, some pretty nasty scars…” He paused as his uninjured hand subconsciously raised itself to the raised scar at the bottom of his neck. The skin prickled as his calloused fingers slowly ran over the length of it and his head was quickly filled with memories of the day that he had gotten it. 

“Jay?” His name falling from Erin’s lips once again pulled him back to the present. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Point is, we all physically made it back home. Barely four of us survived the second. Me, Mouse, Ruggi, and Peaks. Peaks uh, he was the one who’s funeral I had gone to Vegas for. The war messed him up so bad, it messed up all of us, but he barely came back a shell of himself. He wrote in his suicide note that coming home was the worst thing to ever happen to him.” Erin’s hand movements ceased as she gripped his kneecap. No words needed to be exchanged between them for him to know that the hand grip was her way of telling him that what he had shared with her was enough and she didn’t need to hear any more. But, for some reason, now that he had started talking to her, Jay didn’t want to stop. So, he didn’t. 

“My unit was stationed in one of the worst areas. We found ourselves under fire two, three times a day. Hollingsworth was kidnapped and the things we did to get him back just to find him chained to a wall dead…It was bad. The whole experience was just so, so bad. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t escape it for the life of me.” 

“Jay,” Erin breathed out his name, prompting him to finally turn his head towards her own. In the dim bathroom lighting, Jay saw a few stray tears making their way down her cheeks. Normally, he would throw himself into the task of making them disappear, but Jay’s body remained seated where it was, too drained to move and itching to continue talking. 

“You know those rosary beads that Big Mac mentioned earlier?” He watched as her head nodded up and down in both affirmation and confusion at where he was going with this new conversation topic. “They were my mom’s. They were her mom’s—my grandma’s—and they meant the world to her. When I getting ready to leave, she gave them to me so that I would always have something of her with me. Big Mac wasn’t wrong, I took them everywhere, always had them out, playing with the beads. Everyone thought I was always praying but…” He sighed. “I just wanted to feel close to my mom. She found out she was sick two weeks before I deployed and I hated myself that I wasn’t there but I always wanted to be in the army and she said she’d shoot me if I didn’t go because she didn’t want a coward for a son. She made me go the second time too. You’re a soldier, if I wasn’t sick this wouldn’t even be up for debate, she had said to me.” Jay cut himself off before his voiced wavered too much. Tears were now building up in his own eyes at the thought of his mom and Jay took a moment to wipe them away before Erin noticed them. He hated crying in front of people, even her. 

He was not quick enough with his actions and the next thing he knew, Erin was pulling herself up off of the floor and positioning herself in his lap. Once she was still, Jay’s arms instinctively wrapped around her waist and pulled her closely against him while he rested his chin against the top of her head. 

“You really loved her, didn’t you? Your mom?” Erin questioned. Her words were a harsh realization that Jay did not nearly talk about his mom enough with Erin. ‘That’s going to have to change,’ he thought. ‘Mom deserves to have her memory preserved and passed on.’

“I was such a momma’s boy,” Jay replied with a watery chuckle. “It was hard not to be. I didn’t have many friends growing up and my dad always favored Will. So, naturally I turned to my mom and as corny as it sounds, she became my best friend. She took me to all of my sports practices, went to every single one of my games, stayed up every night to help me with my homework, brought me to as many Blackhawks games as she could afford, and went with me when I enlisted. I became a cop because of her.” 

“She was a cop?” Erin asked. Jay did not have to see her face to know that she was completely enthralled by what he was telling her. 

“No, but her whole family was. So, when I finally got my head on straight after…well, you know…I applied to the Academy so I could continue her family’s legacy.” 

“I’m sure she’s so proud of you and the man you became Jay,” Erin said, tilting her head up and lightly pressing her lips to the underside of his chin. “I know I am.” Jay’s arms tightened around her at her comment. 

“A part of the reason why I fell so deep after she died and after I killed that little girl and with Camilla was because all I could think of was how much my actions were letting her down,” he confessed. Judging by the way Erin turned her head upwards once again, this time kissing both of his cheeks and then his lips, she had no response. He had misjudged. 

“I think she would be blown away with pride at the way you have been able to pull yourself out of your holes. Jay, you could have chosen to stay put and let your grief and pain consume you but instead, you fought your way through it all. You did whatever you could to get better. That’s more than I and a lot of other people have done. I’ve always had Hank and then you reaching in to grab me out and get me into the programs I needed to succeed. You sought out help all on your own. Jay, your strength and will astounds me and we will get through this. I promise you with everything that I have that we will.” Erin’s words were strong and forceful and no part of Jay had any trouble believing them. 

“I’m sorry I destroyed your guest room,” he apologized, not knowing how to follow up the heartfelt speech she had given him. One of these days, just maybe, his words wouldn’t fail him from saying the right thing at the right time. 

“I don’t care about the damn room Jay, I just care about you. Are you going to be okay the rest of the night?” Erin asked, brushing his apology to the side. 

“Yeah, I’ll probably just find something on TV to watch until it’s a reasonable hour to go and get breakfast,” he said. There was no way in hell that he was going to allow himself to go back to sleep tonight and risk any more damage to Erin’s apartment and himself. 

“Jay…come to bed with me,” Erin softly suggested. Jay’s face warped with horror at the thought. 

“Erin, did you not just see what I did to your room? I told you, I can’t control myself when I’m like this and I will not put you in danger, I won’t!” Jay all but screamed at her. Why couldn’t she get it through her head that he was dangerous? 

“Not to sleep, we can just stay up and talk,” Erin corrected, her voice calm despite his mini outburst. “I’m not letting you spend the night watching stupid TV shows by yourself. If you’re not sleeping, then neither am I. I have a TV in my room that we can put on and we can either watch something dumb together or just talk. No sleeping.” Some of the tenseness Jay was feeling deflated at her words. The suggestion wasn’t half bad and he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel relieved over the fact that for once, he was not going to be alone to fight off his nightmares and the hellish state they put him in. 

“Thank you,” Jay mumbled as Erin removed herself from his lap. 

“Anything for you babe,” Erin said as she held out her hand for him to grasp onto. She added an “I love you” when they slowly began making their way together into her bedroom. 

“I love you too,” Jay replied, pulling her body close to his once more and pressing his lips against her own. He did his best to pour all of the love and gratitude he had for her in that moment into the kiss. Judging by the way Erin kissed him back, Jay knew that the silent message had been received. 

//

It had been two weeks since Jay arrived back in Chicago and to his great disappoint, his nights had yet to include more than two hours of sleep. Despite his and his therapist’s best efforts, Jay was unable to escape the horrors that always began playing in his mind the second his eyes closed. Every night until he decided enough was enough and fought valiantly to wake himself up, Jay was forced to once again witness and partake in some of the most gruesome and worst moments of his life. Each time he woke up, his body would be drenched in sweat and sore from whatever injury he had managed to inflict upon himself in his unconscious state. 

The first two nights, he sucked up his pride and called Erin and, like they had in New York, stayed up for the remainder of the night, talking about anything and everything that they could think of so that Jay did not have to fall back into the nightmares that plagued him. However, Jay’s guilt overrided his need for comfort and stopped calling her after the second night because if he was tired, he could only imagine how exhausted she felt. 

She called him out on his lack of nightly correspondence each day through a series of texts and phone calls but Jay’s resolution to allow her a full night’s sleep was set and her admonishments fell on deaf ears.

“Jay, I just don’t want you to feel like you have to get through this alone,” she’d always tell him before he quickly changed the subject to something else. He knew that she meant well, but his stubborn Irish pride only extended itself so far; he was a fighter, a soldier, and this was his battle to win, reinforcements be damned. 

He stupidly had said something similar to that effect to his shrink in his session earlier that morning and had to spend the remaining thirty minutes with her telling him off. A waste of time really because if he wasn’t going to listen to Erin, why would he listen to her?

‘Because if you want to get better, then you have to,’ the voice in his head reminded him every time he thought of the conversation. Unfortunately, Jay was beginning to think that going to therapy as frequently as he was contributed to the problem more than it did lessen it. It was tough, having to spend his nights in fear of going to sleep because he did not want to get trapped inside old war memories just to have to go to therapy and relive those same memories he was trying to avoid. Talking about them twice a week for an hour and a half kept the memories all too vivid in his mind, making them much harder to ignore. Therapy and lack of sleep were slowly sucking the life out of him, and the weekly visits with his dad that Will forced him to go on certainly helped speed up the process. 

Moved into his new place but too damn lazy to unpack his stuff, Jay went every Tuesday and Thursday evenings to see his dad and unpack as many boxes as he could before his old man kicked him out. So far, he had only managed to get through almost half of them. 

“I don’t know why you keep going,” Erin commented after he called her the night before, totally pissed off and one notch away from going down to Molly’s and getting drunk out of his mind to forget the miserable cyle he was currently stuck in. 

“Same reason why you always let Bunny crawl back into your life,” Jay had responded a tad bit maliciously. “He’s my father.” If Erin had been upset by his comment, she didn’t say anything. Instead, she just opted to change the subject. They did that a lot, changing the subject when the conversation became too heavy to have over the phone. It was an unspoken agreement between them that they would save the intense stuff for when they were together and able to properly provide the comfort and support their situations required from the other. 

But, even though it was a unanimous decision, pushing aside their problems for a later date did not currently help Jay avoid them, let alone solve them. Once again, he was finding himself getting caught in a hole dug by extreme stress and lack of sleep. And, if the people that were around him were beginning to notice, they didn’t say anything.

Why couldn’t he just be normal for once and not have to deal with all of life’s bullshit? 

It was a question he had been pondering Wednesday afternoon at his desk when a crumpled up piece of paper pegged him on the side of his head. 

“Jay, buddy, you with us?” Adam’s voice asked. Annoyance flickered inside of Jay at how obviously cheerful Adam sounded over hitting him right in the head. 

“Yeah, sorry, what’s up?” Jay said, swiveling around in his chair and coming face-to-face with the childish grin that his friend currently sported. 

“We’re all going to go to Molly’s tonight and you better come. It’s been too damn long since you’ve joined us.” Jay cocked his head, thinking about what his answer would be. 

A night out with the team sounded fun and honestly, might be just what he needs to feel better. Long before he checked himself into therapy, going out with his friends had been the best solution for him getting over his problems. Since his first tour, he reveled in the moments where he was able to feel alive and a part of something fun and good. Being at a bar with his friends was a simple yet powerful reminder of what he had been fighting for in the first place and, as he told that young boy Ethan almost two years ago, was one of the many ways he felt he got to live out the life others had sacrificed theirs for him to have. He thrived off of the energy bars usually had and the thought being in that atmosphere again was enough to bring a full smile to Jay’s face and a resounding “sounds like fun” from his mouth. 

Therapy be damned, a few drinks with the team might be a better and cheaper solution. 

Adam clapped his hands together in victory while shouting, “Alright, everybody Halstead’s in!” The cheers from the rest of the unit was enough to lift a small portion of the weight that was resting on Jay’s shoulders. 

“You sure you’re up for tonight?” Hailey asked as she wandered from her desk over to Jay’s. Jay waited until her body was resting against the wooden structure before responding, “Yeah, a night out with everyone might honestly be just what I need to get out of this funk I’m in.” Jay watched as her pale blue eyes widened at his blunt and blatant reference to his current struggles. 

“What’s going on Jay? We can all see something’s bothering you but…” Hailey trailed off, clearly unsure of how to proceed with the conversation.

“Just bullshit stuff with my dad, you know how it is,” Jay answered. Hailey had once trusted him with the information that her relationship with her dad was more than a messy one so he figured she could be trusted with the same information. Plus, he was ashamed to admit how nice it felt to mention his daddy issues with someone who didn’t know the full situation; there would be no judging or psychoanalyzing on Hailey’s part.

“He’s in that new place right?” Hailey confirmed.

“Yep and he’s pissed about it. Blames me for making him move, though it was both mine and Will’s idea and Will was the one to finally convince him to go through with it.” Jay was unable to keep the bitterness out of his tone; Will was the favorite child and his father made sure Jay knew that every chance he got. 

“Tell him to go fuck himself,” Hailey said with an unladylike snort that caused Jay to laugh. 

“In fear of my life, I think I’ll hold off but feel free to call him up and tell him yourself,” he said. Hailey opened her mouth to respond but was cut off when Jay’s cell began to ring. Taking a quick glance at the caller id and seeing that it was Will calling, Jay held up his finger to Hailey and answered, “What’s up man?”

“Jay, thank God you answered! You need to get to Dad’s place right away!” Jay was shook by the alarmed tone in which his older brother spoke. 

“Why? What’s going on?” Jay asked carefully, trying to gage how serious the situation was before he too became distressed. It was no secret that Will had a tendency to overreact and blow even the littlest of things out of proportion. 

“It’s all over the news, the place is on fire! You need to get there and make sure they get him out! I would but the ED is going to be swamped with victims any minute now,” Will explained in a hurried voice. Judging by the slight pants he heard in between his brother’s words, Jay deduced that he was running and the situation was bad enough to warrant feeling worried for his father’s wellbeing. 

“Oh man, uh yeah, shit, I’ll head over there right now,” Jay assured Will as he quickly gathered up his badge, gun, and jacket. His earlier thoughts of having to deal with life’s bullshit came flooding back to him as he fumbled around trying to get his jacket on. Why couldn’t he just catch a fucking break? As awful as it sounds, Jay did not have enough fuel in his system to deal with this. 

“Halstead, where are you going?” Voight’s gravelly voice called out as Jay blindly made his way to the stairs. Turning around and facing his boss, who was standing upright with his hands on his hips and usual menacing look on his face, Jay responded as strongly as he could, not wanting to show any signs of weakness in front of the unit. 

“My dad’s apartment building is on fire. I’m heading down there to make sure that he’s okay and if not, I’ll have to get his stubborn ass to the hospital.” It registered in Jay’s mind that the way he spoke about the situation was comparable to how little kids spoke about a set of chores they did not want to do. No matter the situation, dealing with his father was always a chore, Jay thought as he watched Voight’s face soften slightly. 

“You going to be okay?” The older man asked, causing the eyebrows of everyone in the bullpen to raise. Voight very rarely showed compassion for anyone, much less Jay. It was no secret that from the second Jay joined Intelligence, he and Voight butted heads and didn’t see eye-to-eye on most things and that only heightened when the younger detective began dating Erin. Jay would never admit it, but it always bothered him that, no matter what he did, Hank Voight never seemed to think it was enough. “A residual effect of having Patrick Halstead as your father,” was what he imagined his therapist saying if he ever mentioned these thoughts to her. 

“Halstead!” Voight barked, all tones of compassion gone from his voice.

“Yeah, I should be,” Jay assured with a quick nod of his head. Then, before anything else could be said, Jay turned sharply on his heel and ran down the stairs, his heart beginning to race with panic. Regardless of what he thought about his father, that didn’t stop the innate desire he had to make sure that the old man was okay. 

//

Jay grinded his teeth in frustrating, forcefully resisting every crude insult that wished to fly out of his mouth as he listened to his father berate him from his hospital bed. Had his father kept his mouth shut, Jay may have actually devoted what little energy he was running on to feeling sympathetic towards the older man. It was honestly quite unnerving for him to see his father in such a weakened state, his body covered in soot and minimal burns and the scar from his quadruple bypass on full display. All his life, Pat Halstead was a larger than life figure that Jay always feared. As tall as Jay was, his father was taller and much stronger. And while Jay’s height and strength multiplied from when he was a young kid and teenager, a part of him still always wanted to cower whenever he was in his father’s presence. Not now though. As he stared down at is father, weak, injured, and imprisoned by a never-ending tangle of wires to the small hospital bed, Jay felt his throat tighten up at the realization that this was the first time ever in his life that he was not fearful of his dad. Perhaps that was why he let his anger get the best of him. 

“You just wanted my money,” Pat spat out, his eyes hardened and expressing all of the anger his fists weren’t able to. Judging by the way he felt his nostrils flare out in anger, Jay assumed that his facial expressions mimicked those of his father’s. 

“You don’t have any money, you thankless old prick,” Jay seethed. A quick glance at his brother told him that he was alone once again in yet another battle against his dad. “Whatever,” Jay spat out as he turned around and rushed out of the room as quickly as his feet were able to move. 

Moral obligation to his only remaining parent kept Jay from exiting the hospital altogether, despite the overwhelming desire to do so. 

Hunched over the administration desk that was located outside of his dad’s hospital room, Jay mentally tried to quench the anger that was coursing through his veins. How dare his father think so little of him after all of these years? It had been him who spent the most time making sure he was okay since his surgery! It had been him who was always there to pick up his messes and solve his problems! It had been him who stepped up and stayed with his mom while she was dying so the older man had all the time in the world to drink away his pain! It had been him who suffered through his father’s abuse and always came back for more because despite it all, he could not deny or take away from the unwavering loyalty he felt towards his family, especially as it got smaller and smaller over the years. 

“Dad’s stable,” Will announced as he came up behind Jay. “Why don’t you go in and talk to him? You know, make up?” Jay bristled at the suggestion. 

“Well, he started it.” Jay knew that he sounded childish but he was so beyond caring that it wasn’t even funny. “And thanks a lot,” he added, straightening his position and rounding on his older brother. “We agreed that we were gonna sell that place and you just stood there. You didn’t say anything.” Jay didn’t have to be in the right frame of mind to know that that was the root of his anger. Not his father, like one would assume, but his brother’s lack of support. In retrospect, Jay should not have been shocked by his brother’s inability to stand up against his father in his favor. Will never did before, so why would he start now? Once again, his brother was letting him down but, if his anger was anything to go by, this time was definitely one of the more bitter ones to swallow. 

“What’s the point in arguing with him? He’s old. He’s sick. Just let it go.” Will suggested as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Maybe to him it was, but not to Jay, who had spent too many years being his old man’s verbal and physical punching bag. 

“That’s fine for you to say,” Jay responded, his hardened exterior falling in defeat. “You’re not the bad guy here.” 

“Jay, come on,” Will started, but was interrupted by Jay before he could finish. 

“No, seriously. All those times you were away, and all those times you said that you couldn’t leave the hospital, who took care of Dad? Me.” Like in the hospital room, his frustration mixed with his exhaustion had the words spilling from his mouth without him really giving a damn. He should be happy that his father was going to be okay, happy that they were able to get him out with enough time to preserve his already faulty heart, but he just wasn’t; not one bit of the situation was allowing him to be. 

“I did plenty for Dad,” Will argued, his voice no longer holding a caring tone to it. “I still do.” Jay did not need to be a detective to pick up on the rising tension between him and his brother. Will’s lack of support and aid to his family had been at the core of his and Jay’s issues since his mom had gotten sick. “Who goes and checks on him?” the eldest Halstead son continued. “Keeps him on his meds?” Jay had so much he wanted to say in that moment, but, knowing that his fixed relationship with his brother was still fragile, didn’t say any of it. After informing Will that he could be the one to help his dad out with finding a new place, Jay stormed away from his brother before his thoughts had the opportunity to become spoken words and inflict irreparable damage on the brothers’ relationship with each other. 

Once he found a secluded spot in the waiting room on the floor below his father’s, Jay collapsed into a chair and let out a fast and heavy succession of dry heaves. Forcing his body into an upright position and placing his hands firmly on both of his jean covered kneecaps, Jay breathed in and out as deeply and as slowly as he could in hopes to calm himself down before he became a mess of unbridled emotions. 

Breathe in…breathe out…in…out…in…out…

Finally, when he managed to take back control over his body, Jay overcome with the need to speak to Erin. If anyone could get him in the right frame of mind to deal with his father, it would be her. 

Unfortunately for him, she did not answer his call. Nor the one that he immediately dialed in after he hung up the first time. Or the one after that. 

Call me when you can…something came up with my dad and I just really need to talk to you, he texted, selfishly hoping that she would see it right away, drop what she was doing, and call him. 

She didn’t. 

And the next thing he knew, he was being told that his dad was braindead and there was no chance that he was coming back and his vent could be put to much better use. 

“What? Are you serious?” Jay yelled, shocked and disgusted and angry at what the neurologist was telling him. “The hell is wrong with you man? Are you kidding me?” He barely felt Will’s hands take hold of his arms and holding him back from jumping the doctor. The ringing in Jay’s ears prevented him from hearing the emotionless apology that the doctor gave the brothers before leaving them alone in their father’s room.

One glance at Will and the worn and heartbroken expression on his face had Jay storming out of the room for the second time that day.

“Your father’s braindead.”

“You thankless old prick!”

Braindead…thankless old prick. The final two descriptions given to Patrick Halstead were screaming in Jay’s mind. True or not, the words crippled him with remorse and grief. 

No…no. This couldn’t be the end. His father was not dead. Jay had just been in the room, he saw the old man’s chest rising up and down with life. He was not dead. There was still a chance. A thousand to one chance may be miniscule, but it was still a chance! And he told Will as much when his doctor brother tried to tell him otherwise. 

“A thousand to one is no chance,” Will explained slowly, leaving Jay no choice but to absorb his words. 

“You just want to give up?” Jay demanded to know. That’s all this was, Will giving up like he always did when things got hard. He didn’t want to fight, but Jay would; Jay was a fighter. 

“I’m trying to be realistic,” Will tried to reason with him. No, not with him, with his exhausted mind that refused to process all of the information two very well distinguished doctors had given him. “I’ve seen a lot of patients in his condition—”

“There goes that doctor voice,” Jay snarled, turning away from Will as if the action would take back the truth from the words his brother was telling him. 

“I’m sorry, but I am a doctor,” Will spoke loudly and self-righteously. Jay’s anger flared up again at his tone. Will was a doctor, but was useless whenever Jay needed him to put his medical degrees to use and help their family. 

“Yeah don’t worry, we got that message,” Jay bitterly informed, jabbing Will’s chest with his pointer finger. “And Dad knew you thought you were better than us. We always came in second, you weren’t there and now you want to decide what happens?” His words came out harsh and fast and had he given much thought to what he was saying, Jay would have scoffed at his own words and how he grouped himself and his dad together. The man may be dying, but that did not change a lifetime of Jay being an outcast in his own family, especially since his mother died. 

“That is not true Jay!” Will tried to defend himself. But it was true, Will had always been the Halstead who was placed on a pedestal. He was smart, good looking, and had gotten out of Chicago and made something of himself so that when he finally did come back, he had money and was successful. Jay hated that Will had every right to act better than himself and his father and subconsciously, he had a feeling that that was where a portion of his pent up rage was coming from. His dad was braindead and there was nothing anyone—not his smart brother with a heaping amount of degrees and especially not him, a plain and simple detective whose life was currently hinder by his PTSD—could do about it. Which was why, when the hospital’s COO personally came to them and offered her condolences and the hospital’s unlimited resources to help his father, Jay jumped on the opportunity to accept before Will had the chance to render it all useless and shove it to the side. 

‘Maybe the degrees weren’t able to help, but time could,’ was all Jay remembered thinking as he made his way back to his father’s room after a resounding “It’s decided, we’re not giving up” was sent in Will’s direction and leaving no room for any rebuttals. 

Sitting uncomfortably on the edge of the plastic chair that was placed besides his father’s bed, Jay clasped onto the old man’s pale, frail hand. His throat tightened and tears pricked at his eyes as Jay observed the stilled body of his dad. Unmoving and still covered in soot, burns, cuts, and wires, Patrick Halstead looked more like an ugly, overly large doll that had been played with one too many times. Letting go of the hand to wipe the unfallen tears from his eyes, Jay choked back a sob as was able to catch the arm of his father flop to the side of the bed as if the marionettes holding it up had been unceremoniously dropped by their controller. 

Jay was unnerved to see the fight gone from his father, so much so that if he hadn’t watched the man be admitted into this very room, he never would have guessed this to be his dad at all. 

“You don’t get to go out like this Pop,” Jay whispered as he reached out once more to clutch his father’s hand in his own. “Not like this.” The unspoken tagged on conclusion to the sentence: Not like this when the last thing I said to you was that you were a thankless old prick and I can’t think of one good memory of us that would show me otherwise. Because in the midst of all the chaos and unkempt, wild, and loose emotions, that was the one thing that upset Jay the most. 

He was unable to come up with just one good memory of his dad that could get him through this all. 

When his mom died, he had run out of time reliving with her all of the good times that they had shared. It was a sad testament to the relationship shared between the father and son that no such memories were able to come to mind in the father’s final moments. Maybe, just maybe, if he had one memory to fall back on this whole horrific ordeal would become much more bearable to get through. 

Or, the scattered blinks of his father’s eye and the sudden tightening of his hand in Jay’s own would work just the same…If Patrick was braindead, his body wouldn’t be reacting to him right? For once, was Will and all of his medical degrees wrong? Had Jay actually been right in his decision to hold off on removing his father from the one thing that was keeping him alive? Jay was unable to stop the small yet mighty surge of hope that had begun simmering in his gut. Maybe he wouldn’t have to live with his guilt after all…

“Hey Jay,” Will said softly as he entered the room. “We gotta take Dad off the vent.” 

Jay turned his head in disbelief, not caring that his brother was going to see the red rims that were forming around his eyes. “What?” He asked, the simmer of hope he had just been feeling coming to an abrupt end. “No, no, no. He...uh, I’ve been sitting with him and he blinks his eyes. And, and I grabbed his hand and he squeezed my hand. He squeezed my hand.” Jay looked at Will with as much certainty as he could as he held up his free hand and clenched it in a fist to further emphasize his point. These movements his father was making had to mean something, they had to. 

Judging by the somber and defeated look on Will’s face, Jay was beginning to think he was wrong…the movements didn’t mean a damn thing.

“Those are just reflexes. They don’t mean anything.” Jay listened to his brother confirm what he already knew to be true deep down, but that didn’t mean he wanted to believe it. It couldn’t be true. Some part of his dad had to know that Jay was there with him and thoroughly put out by how the whole ordeal not just unfolded but crumbled around him. 

“I’m telling you, man, he knows that I’m here,” Jay asserted, his voice sounding more confident than he felt as he denied the truth. 

“He doesn’t,” Will repeated, obviously trying to sound as comforting as he could. There was no way to cushion a statement like this—none. “He can’t.”

Jay’s resolve vanquished at the delivery of those two words. With one hand clinging to his father’s so tightly Jay’s knuckles were turning white, the other flailing around in mid-air, and his head shaking back and forth dejectedly, Jay choked back sobs while stuttering out, “We can’t. He’s...He’s gotta come back, man, ‘cause that can’t be the last conversation I ever have with him.” 

You don’t have any money, you thankless old prick!

“Look, whatever regrets you have, you’re not going to resolve them here. You just gotta accept that.” More words of Will’s that Jay refused to believe.

“Don’t tell me what I got to accept,” Jay vehemently demanded, watching with a leering eye as his brother made a single step towards him before pointedly holding himself back from taking any more. Even in his addled state, Jay knew right away from Will’s actions that his brother was scared of him. 

Good.

“Jay, the reason Gwen encouraged us to take our time with Dad?” The detective side of Jay noticed that Will’s temper was beginning to flare at the recollection of their earlier conversation with the hospital’s COO and Jay instinctively began to brace himself for a fight that was bound to come. “His bypass was twenty-nine days ago. If he dies before thirty days are up, regardless of why, it’s a fatality for the hospital.”

“So what?” Jay questioned, his face scrunching up in confusion. What the hell did any of that have to do with his dad now? He was braindead not suffering heart failure. 

“So Gwen’s just trying to keep Dad alive for one more day so the hospital doesn’t take the hit,” Will explained. Jay had had enough. 

Getting up from his claimed seat alongside his father’s bed, Jay held his hands up in mock surrender and said, “I get it. You feel betrayed. I don’t care. I care about Dad.” Jay didn’t have time to dwell on the fact that this was the first time in years he had ever uttered anything along the lines of what he just said. 

‘You don’t care about Pop, you just care about the guilt you feel over your last conversation with him and how you don’t want to live with that for the rest of your life,’ a voice called out from the hidden depths of his mind just loud enough for Jay to hear, comprehend the words, and toss them aside like garbage.

“And you think he’d want to be kept alive to buff some numbers?” Will spat, clearly fed up with Jay and his refusal to accept the reality of the situation. Jay watched his brother roll his back to display his full height and his brown eyes turned cold and black. 

“You need to get out. You got to get out, man,” Jay hurriedly said, placing two hands on his brother and shoving him towards the door. 

“They’re using him!” Will shouted, stomping right back to his original spot. Jay snapped at his words. In a blind rage, he pushed Will so that he was completely out of the room. 

“That’s your problem!” Jay yelled as he struggled to thrust Will as far away from his dad’s room as he could. 

“Jay, he’s gone!” Will screamed. Not thinking twice, Jay cocked his hand back and sent it hurtling towards Will’s face. Public place be damned, he was so sick of his brother telling him that his dad was gone, dead, not coming back. Fuck Will, fuck the hospital, fuck the fire, fuck the apartment, fuck his dad, fuck everything! 

Jay paid no attention to the security guard that came over, most likely to throw him out; he was too focused on the blood leaking out of Will’s mouth and the heavy gulps of breath his outburst had imposed on him. Shaking his head and not wanting to wait around and give security the chance to toss him from the hospital, Jay stumbled back into his father’s hospital room and sat right back down in the uncomfortable plastic chair, leaving his brother standing dumbfounded in the same location just an hour before he was trying to tell Jay to make nice with Pat. 

Then, not caring who was watching through the glass doors and windows, as he reached out, clasped his two hands around his right hand, and bent his head forward so that his forehand was touching the conjoined hands, Jay succumbed to the gut wrenching sobs he had been holding back the minute the neurologist declared his father braindead. 

Jay’s sobs grew harder and louder as his mind shifted from the irreversible nature of his dad’s state back to his lack of good memories with the man who was supposed to teach him all there was to know about life. Even in their final moment together, there had been no reconciliation, no love, no feelings of any kind other than pure loathing and annoyance. 

Loathing and annoyance, just two fixtures in a very long list of unflattering words to describe the unfortunate father/son relationship. Jay never understood why he was so mistreated by his father, and the more he cried, the more he realized he was mourning not the loss of the man who raised him, but the loss of the only person left alive who had the answers he had wanted his whole life. 

Who was Jay kidding? He and his father had a complicated relationship and had Pat survived this stint in the hospital, it never was going to repair itself. Patrick Halstead and his son were going to butt heads until the day one of them died and left the remaining half of the duo to resent the half that left. The resentment would come, Jay knew that, but all he was beginning to feel now was numbness. 

//

It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon and Erin was having what felt like the longest day in her life. Her car wouldn’t start this morning and the Uber driver that she reluctantly scheduled to pick her up got lost on his way to her apartment so she was late to work. Normally, her delayed arrival wouldn’t have been much of an issue but she was scheduled to give a presentation to the higher-ups that morning. She had been prepping for the presentation for the past week and even the rough start to her morning wasn’t enough to shake the confidence she had over the material she was presenting on. However, to make her day worse, the slideshow she had prepared kept glitching and the lighting in the room made it hard for most of the charts she was referencing to be read. As a result, there were one too many questions asked and a few of the more grumpy agents decided to waste an extra thirty-seven minutes of her time pestering her for more information and critiquing all of the things they felt she could have better touched upon. Thoroughly agitated, Erin took an early lunchbreak for the sole purpose of having an hour to collect herself. Not wanting to interact with anyone from work, she left all of her belongings, including her phone, in her office. That had been a bad idea; when she arrived back in her office feeling slightly better than she did when she left, Erin was swamped with briefings about the task force’s present case and then having to prepare one of her team members to go undercover. By the time she was able to get back to her office and have a moment all to herself, Erin was in no better a mood than she was when she was last in her office throwing her phone into her desk drawer and slamming the drawer shut with as much force as she could muster. 

With a deep sigh, Erin collapsed into her office chair, her body slouching as far down as the seat would allow. Kicking her heels off to give her feet a chance to loosen up from their tight confines, Erin sent up a silent prayer that the next few months would go by quickly so that she could quit her job and go back to Chicago, back to Jay. Days like today, filled with meetings and presentations, and doing work more suited for an office worker than a federal agent reminded Erin just why she wanted out of her chosen career. It was becoming less about catching the bad guys and more about paperwork and showing off the shiny badge while wearing the fancy clothes and collecting the fat paycheck. While she took the job to save her mom, Erin had been so excited to be in a role where she would be leading a team through the streets of New York and cleansing them of the terrors people were sick enough to infect the city with. With the exception of a few undercover gigs, she mostly prepared her team members to do the work that she wanted to do while she stayed behind and placated those positioned higher than her. Erin felt that the way this job played out was a subtle way of telling her there were much better ways for her to make a difference in the world, which was why she was so excited for her new start in Chicago and the job at a shelter she was already beginning to look into.

“Only a few more months, you can do this,” Erin muttered to herself as she pulled herself up in the chair and reached over to the drawer she had previously locked her phone in. 

A deep feeling of unease overcame her as she took in the number of missed calls and text messages from Jay. Something had to be wrong…he wouldn’t make an effort to reach out like this if everything was okay…

Just as Erin was beginning to unlock her phone and read what Jay had texted her, her phone let out a few shrill chimes and the name ‘Will Halstead’ flashed across the top of the screen. The uneasiness she felt deepened at the sight of her boyfriend’s name, her mind automatically going back to that unforgettable text message he had sent her after she left Jay. 

As the words ‘fucking selfish bitch’ swam around in her head, Erin hesitantly accepted the call. If Will was calling her…well, whatever was going on in Chicago couldn’t be good. 

“Lindsay,” she answered, mentally slapping herself for how her voice cracked. Now was not the time for her to sound weak and uncertain. 

“Look, if you care about Jay at all, you need to get your ass back to Chicago right now,” Will hissed, anger evident in his voice. Erin’s stomach dropped at his words; of all the scenarios she had been thinking of, something being wrong with Jay was not one of them.

“Why? What’s going on?” Erin fearfully asked. 

“Dad has been declared braindead and Jay’s losing it. Hell, he’s been losing it since he came back from seeing you in New York. And while I didn’t expect you to come and help him then, I sure as hell expect you to come now if you love him as much as he claims you do. He needs you right now Erin and…and you just need to come alright?” Will’s anger faded out and had Erin not only been struck by what he was saying but how defeated he finished his request, she would have ripped him a new one for the way he just spoke to her. 

She knew that Jay had been struggling, but evidently, she didn’t know how bad it had gotten. Plus, it’s not like they could just take a leave of absence from their jobs any time one of them was going through a tough time; they had to be somewhat independent from one another. Erin shook her head. None of that mattered right now. What mattered was that Will was demanding her to come to Chicago because Jay needed her to help him get through the loss of the father who never treated him like a son. Despite the less than perfect relationship between the two, Erin knew Jay and she knew that the death of the only parental figure left in his life was going to hit him hard enough to be lethal. 

“I’ll get there as soon as I can,” Erin promised. “I just have to clear it with my boss and team but, uh, I should be able to get there by tomorrow night.” She didn’t need to see Will’s face or hear his response to know that tomorrow night was not quick enough for him. 

“When you need Jay, he’s there that day,” Will reminded her, his tone spiteful and pissed. 

“That’s because he his boss is basically my father and will let him do anything where my well-being is concerned,” Erin snapped back, not in the mood to deal with the elder Halstead brother’s vindictive behavior. “My boss isn’t so understanding. Hell, it will be a fucking miracle if they even let me go in the first place. But you can bet your stupid fucking ass that I will be there by tomorrow night.” 

“Good,” Will said curtly. A tense moment of silence took over their phone call. Erin listened to Will’s loud, sharp breaths as she waited for him to either hang up or continue the conversation. 

“He really needs you Erin. I don’t…I don’t know how to help him but I know you can. I just need you to come and help my brother.” Erin’s frustration towards Will dissolved when she heard just how broken he sounded. He was not calling to criticize her current lack of presence in Jay’s life, he was calling to get ahold of the only solution available to help the only family he had left. 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can, he won’t have to go through this alone.” Erin paused before hesitantly adding, “Neither of you will have to. I’m really sorry about your dad Will, really.” 

“Yeah…yeah…thanks. Uh, text me when you’re getting in and I will make sure someone is there to pick you up and either bring you to the hospital or…or wherever Jay is,” Will said softly, his tone having gone a complete 180 since the conversation started. 

“Okay, see you soon Will,” Erin confirmed before hanging up. Sucking in a deep breath, she immediately clicked on all of the text messages Jay had left her. 

Call me when you can…something came up with my dad and I just really need to talk to you

Erin, I really need to talk to you. Please call me when you can

You’re probably in a meeting or something…sorry for bothering you. Let me know when you can talk

Shit Erin, the doctors are saying Dad is braindead and I don’t know what to do

Fuck babe please pick up your phone I really need to talk to you

They want to pull Dad off of the vents and I am so fucking lost and just really need you to help talk me through this. Please call me 

Sorry for bothering you…I love you

Erin choked back sobs as she once again tossed her phone into her drawer before storming out of her office. This time, however, she was seeking out her boss to get a week and a half’s vacation time approved. 

It was time to go back to Chicago. It was time to go back to Jay.


	11. Chapter 11

One minute, Jay’s feet were pounding against the worn pavement, arms pumping hard back and forth as if the movements would make him go any faster. Daniel Mendoza, the man who was responsible for his father’s death, was not going to get away, not from Jay. The need for retribution blinded him, which was why, one minute he was running, and the next he was taking fire from a gun he didn’t know Mendoza had drawn. 

Jay was able to fire off a few rounds of his own gun before he felt the impact of four bullets strike his body. White-hot pain seared through him as he tumbled to the ground. One bullet struck him low, the other three struck high, all perfectly aimed at his chest. Gasping for breath, Jay vaguely registered that he was bleeding when his hand grazed the entry wound on the upper corner of his hip as he rolled onto his back. 

Was this what it was going to come to? Him bleeding out on a sidewalk in a nearly vacant tunnel while the man who indirectly killed his father bled out alongside him. 

“Please,” Mendoza’s accented voice wheezed. “Please! Please!” Some part of Jay’s mind registered that he was hearing a dying man’s cries for…for what? Help? Salvation? Companionship? 

‘He doesn’t deserve any of them,’ Jay thought as he kept his gun raised, trained on Mendoza’s head, ready to fire one last fatal shot. Avenging his father’s death was a decent enough way to go out he reckoned. 

“Help me,” Mendoza croaked. “I want to see my father.” The request was naked and raw, leaving the supposed dangerous man seeming nothing like a little boy…a little boy who just wanted his dad. That was enough to break down Jay’s resolve; who was he to play God and decide this man’s final moments, deny his final request, especially when Jay would give anything to have the same opportunity? What was the point in letting this man bleed out and die anyway? It’s not like Mendoza’s death would be bring Jay’s dad back to him. 

As he inhaled as much of the limited air that his lungs allowed to pass through to his body, Jay lost the strength to remain in position on his side and sagged onto his back, his hand weakly hovering over the area where two of the bullets collided with his chest. Tapping into the small portion of strength that he had left in him, Jay moved his hand downwards and grabbed onto the police radio that he had stolen from the patrolman at the beginning of his on foot pursuit. 

“Fif-fifty-fifty twenty-one George, emergency, shots fired.” It was difficult to speak into the device. His struggle to breath was increasing, as well as his will to keep his eyes open. He was fading and he was fading fast. After he rattled off their location, Jay was unable to stop the words, “You gotta get him some help, get him help!” from spilling out of his mouth as fast as the blood was spilling out of his side wound. 

With a quick glance upwards and seeing the light begin to rapidly fade from Mendoza’s eyes, Jay mustered up the last of his strength and army crawled over to the man he had shot. Flopping down on his stomach, he stretched out the hand that previously was holding up his gun to enclose around the man’s neck in search of his pulse. The hand was barely there for three seconds when Mendoza gave a shuddering cough and the slow beating pulse Jay had been able to feel upon his hand’s impact halted. 

Daniel Mendoza was dead. The man responsible for his father’s death was dead. Jay had killed him. 

In the movies, this would be considered a poetic ending, a justified ending. Unfortunately, Jay didn’t have the energy to contemplate how this ending compared to the movies. No longer needing to worry over Mendoza’s survival, Jay succumbed to all of the pain his body had endured over the last twenty-four hours and rolled off of the sidewalk, his eyes closed by the time his back hit the ground. 

Sputtering gasps for breath were the only noises emitting from him as flashes of moments following his father’s final moments flashed before his eyes. The condolences that he didn’t want, the gun Hailey raised to his head not knowing it was him, losing control in public at the sight of Juan Mendoza and having to need both Hailey and Adam pull him off the man, Voight benching him, screaming at Hailey and her screaming back, Hailey and Voight leaving him alone on the top of a parking garage while they went after Daniel Mendoza, calling Severide, spotting Daniel in a crowd of people, chasing him down…

“Look, my father and I…we never clicked. He didn’t want me to enlist, he didn’t want me to be a cop. The guy didn’t even show up when I graduated from the Academy. He was embarrassed. So, I learned to keep my distance and now he’s gone and that’s it. I am learning how to deal with it on my own. You don’t have to question if I’m alright,” Jay had told Hailey when she raised concerns over his wellbeing while they watched Voight and Antonio interrogate Carlos Mendoza. 

Laying there, barely able to breath while blood continued to spill from his body, Jay’s mind dared to say, ‘Clearly, they had a right to be concerned.’ 

Even the stubborn side of Jay was unable to come up with a sound rebuttal. 

His father’s death broke through the wall Jay had built long ago and for the first time in his life, he was in a position where he was unable to see reason. Grief paired with excessive exhaustion led him to this point and Jay had no one to blame but himself. He let his control slip and did nothing to save himself from the fallout. It was almost ironic that he realized how reckless he had been acting while lying in the street, barely able to breath and all of his fight to survive flowing from his body alongside the blood and dripping onto the pavement around him. 

Each gasp of breath felt like years to complete and, as a result, Jay’s sense of time became muddled. He did not know how long it had been since he felt the life leave Mendoza’s body. All he really knew was that his pain was increasing by the tenfold and he was contemplating putting a bullet in his head just to end it when he heard the frantic voices of Hailey and Adam fill the space around him. 

He tried to call out to them but all that came out of his mouth was a sharp cough that caused his eyes to open wide, the pain in his chest blurring his vision and making it damn near possible to regain what little control over his breathing he had before. With watery eyes, he was just able to make out the bodies of Adam and Hailey rushing towards him. 

“Jay!” Hailey exclaimed frantically as she threw herself onto the ground besides him, her fingers flying to the buttons on his shirt and yanking them open. Jay barely had time to listen to the soft plops the buttons made as crashed onto the ground because Hailey’s cries quickly caught his attention. 

“Come on!” She panted both in frustration and fear that she had arrived too late. A few grunts later and Jay became all too aware of Hailey’s hands feeling over his body, checking all of the spots the bullets had hit him and making sure they did not penetrate the Kevlar vest he thankfully had put on. “It didn’t go through! It didn’t go through! It’s okay! It’s okay!” Hailey said in relief. “Jay, Jay, breathe. Breathe, you’re okay, breathe, you’re okay.” By the way she was chanting, Jay knew it was more for herself than his sake. She had thought that he was for sure dying and the fact that he was still unable to get a properly formed word out and move anything other than one of his arms certainly did not help to put her at ease. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay, it’s okay,” she continued to say as she applied pressure to the wound on his side, apparently the only place where a bullet had actually come into contact with his skin. “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay.” Hailey kept saying that, but Jay was beginning to wonder if it was the truth. 

This didn’t feel like okay to him. Nothing about this felt okay. 

//

Erin tapped her foot impatiently against the white tiled floors of Chicago Med’s waiting room. She had just been dropped off by Natalie Manning, who had been sent by Will to get her from the airport, and was waiting for the said Halstead to come out and take her see Jay. According to Natalie, Jay had been shot but was fine and only required a few stitches—which they were able to provide on scene—and was only at Med to undergo some precautionary exams to ensure that he had no internal injuries. That was all Natalie knew so that was all Erin knew since Will was nowhere to be found, Hank was not answering his damn phone, and no one from the unit was at the hospital waiting for the official news that Jay was okay.

That part surprised Erin and she would not deny the anger that she felt when she had arrived and did not see a single familiar face of one of her former coworkers. How could they just leave him here on his own? At the very least, where was his partner, who was supposed to stick by him no matter what? The only other information that Natalie had been able to provide was that Jay came in alone and he had been alone when the shooting took place. So where was everybody?

“Erin!” The calling of her name put a halt on all of the incessant questions that were whirring in her mind. Erin’s head snapped up and her eyes instantly made contact with Will’s, the dark brown eyes a stark contrast from the ones she loved so much on his brother. Jumping up out of her seat at the sight of her boyfriend’s brother, Erin latched onto her suitcase’s handle and closed the gap between her and Will. 

“How is he? Is he okay?” Erin demanded. Will gestured to the file in his hand before nodding his head in the direction that he just came from as he began to slowly walk. Taking the hint, Erin quickly fell into step with him and listened intently as he began to go over Jay’s diagnosis. 

“Physically, he’s fine,” Will informed. “The exams showed no signs of any internal damage and the paramedics on scene did a great job treating his open wounds. He will most likely experience extreme amounts of pain over the next few days until the bruising goes down but in the grand scheme of things, that’s nothing.” Tears of relief unexpectantly encroached upon the corners of Erin’s eyes. 

Jay was okay. Jay had been shot, but he was okay. Something about hearing the confirmation of Jay’s wellbeing from a doctor’s mouth while in a hospital was what her mind needed to truly believe what she had already been told in the car by Natalie. 

“Mentally and emotionally,” Will continued. “He’s a mess. I hope that your surprise visit will fix that though.” Erin felt Will’s eyes looking down on her, so she tilted her head upwards and quirked her lips into what she knew was probably a less than reassuring smile. 

“I hope so too,” she murmured. Will gave her a sad smile in return before repositioning his head to face forward once more. 

“You’re here until next Sunday right?”

“Yeah,” Erin confirmed. “I wish I could stay longer, but it was honestly a miracle that I could come at all.”

“Hmm, how is New York? Do you like it?” Will questioned, a wistful tone in his voice at the mention of the city she currently lives in. Erin was instantly reminded that he had once lived in the city too. 

“It’s okay. I miss Chicago,” Erin simply said as she wondered why Will was even making small talk with her in the first place. The last few times they have interacted had been less than cordial and Erin knew he had plenty of things that he wanted to say to her that were not in regards to what she thought of living in New York.

However, the conversation between them ceased the moment Will came to an abrupt halt and stuck his arm out to block Erin from continuing forward. 

“That’s Jay’s room there,” he said quietly, pointing to a room on the left about ten feet ahead of them. “I’ll leave you guys be for a bit but can you please try and convince him to come with me to Dad’s tonight? His stuff needs to be sorted and boxed up and I do not want to do it alone.” Erin recognized his request as the answer to her earlier question; he was being nice to her because he wanted something from her. 

“Will, I can’t make him do something that he doesn’t want to do,” Erin tried to state as gently as her voice would allow. 

“I know that,” Will assured. “I haven’t even asked him yet so technically, he doesn’t know that it’s something he doesn’t want to do. I just thought that if you presented the idea to him, that, well, he would be more receptive to you.” Erin felt nothing but sympathy for Will as she took in how defeated he both looked and sounded. 

Due to the stress she had been experiencing since finding out Jay had been shot, Erin was ashamed to admit that she completely forgot the reason as to why she had come back to Chicago in the first place. The man in front of her had just lost his dad and not even a day later, came close to losing his brother and all she had been able to think of since he came to get her was why was he being so amicable with her. That realization was all her arms needed to rise up and wrap around Will’s waist in a light and brief hug. 

“I’ll do my best to convince him to go and if he doesn’t want to, I’ll go in his place…if that’s okay? You won’t have to do it alone Will, I promise,” she said softly and surely. “That goes for everything else this week too.” She bit back a surprised gasp when Will pulled her back into a hug. 

“Thanks Erin,” he choked out. “I, uh, I really appreciate that. Especially since I don’t, I don’t deserve it.” She pulled away at his words and gave his upper arm a tight squeeze of assurance. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Erin said, partly because it was the right thing to say and partly because she actually meant it. In retrospect, Will’s feelings were slightly justified given how she had treated his brother. “Now can I go and see Jay now?” Will chuckled as he stepped out of her way and indicated for her to go. 

Abandoning her suitcase, Erin quickly ran the remaining ten feet between her and Jay. Once outside the window doors, Erin allowed a moment to pass so she could collect herself before entering the room where Jay was sitting on the edge of the side of the bed. She watched as he twiddled his fingers around, completely oblivious to the fact that she was mere few feet away from him. He was shirtless and Erin was unable to miss the glimpse of the dark coloring across his otherwise pale, freckle covered chest visible from the angle at which he was sitting. Erin sucked in a sharp breathe as she took in just how close the bruising was to his heart, how close he had come to dying instantly.

Erin shook her head; now was not the time to wallow in her own worries and fears. She had come back to Chicago for a reason and that reason had her prying the doors to the hospital room open and stepping inside it. 

Jay’s head snapped up at the sound of someone entering the room and his eyes widened in disbelief when he saw who it was. 

Dressed in a simple pair of black leggings and a fitted black camo zip-up jacket with her hair pulled back in a low, loose ponytail was Erin Lindsay. Her hazel eyes were looking him up and down, causing Jay to feel slightly self-conscious when they lingered a tad bit too long on the bruises left by three of Mendoza’s bullets. 

“Erin, I’m okay,” he croaked out as he struggled to stand up on his own. “The pain will knock you backwards once the edge wears off,” was what he had been told by the paramedic. She had not been wrong; the simple effort of standing up had Jay feeling so much pain that he was just about ready to keel over. 

Erin must have noticed because the next thing he knew was that her arms were gently guiding his body back onto the bed. Once seated, Jay shifted his legs open so that she was able to fill the space and be as close to him as she was physically able to be.

“Jay, I…I don’t know what to say,” Erin said in a hushed tone as she placed her hands out and rested them on each of his shoulders. Jay winced in discomfort at the movement of his own hands reaching out and finding their favorite spot on her hips to rest on. Once they were in position, Jay pulled her even closer to him and pressed a gentle kiss on her lips. 

“If you tell me you’re sorry, I don’t care how happy I am to see you, I’m sending you back to New York,” Jay tried to make his voice sound like he was joking, but he truly meant it. Jay was sick of everyone giving him their “condolences.” His dad was dead and no amount of “I’m sorry” were going to change that. 

Erin gave him a sad smile in response. “I won’t, I promise,” she said. “How are you feeling though Jay? I mean, you got shot and your dad…” Erin was unable to bring herself to say the “d” word, the air of uncertainty surrounding the subject of Patrick Halstead stopping her. In all of the years that Erin had known Jay, there had been a sort of taboo on talking about his parents, his father in particular, and she had a feeling that Pat’s death did nothing to change that. 

Jay’s eyebrows crunched together as he contemplated how to answer her question. How was he feeling? Over the past twenty-four hours he had experienced so many different emotions that he was unable to distinguish which one accurately described how he currently was feeling. 

On one hand, Jay figured he could just spew the same line he has so far given everyone who has asked him this question and tell them that he and his father had a complicated relationship and it is what it is. But on the other hand, he could tell her how much he regrets that he did not take the chance to apologize and try and make nice with his old man while he still had the chance. He could tell her that it was the thought of wanting to see his father one last time that prompted him to call in an ambulance for Mendoza and that for a split second, his injuries had him ready to die himself. Or he could just tell her that he was in pain because that pretty much covered everything else that he didn’t know how to say.

“I don’t know Er,” Jay began, knowing that not answering her was not an option. “So much has happened, I just…he sucked but he was my dad ya know? One minute he was here and we were yelling at each other and the next…next thing I know the guy responsible for his death is shooting at me and I’m shooting at him and then I’m holding him and calling for help while he dies in my arms. It’s just…it’s just a lot to process.” Right now, that was the best that he was able to give her and he knew that it was enough when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him in for a tight hug. 

Head dipping down to rest against her chest, Jay indulged himself in the scent of her light but sweet smelling perfume and allowed it to overfill his senses. In this position, he finally understood Kim’s obsession with aroma therapy. 

“Why were you alone?” Erin asked out of both a selfish need and understanding of Jay’s reluctance to talk about his feelings. She felt his body tense up in her arms and immediately felt guilty that she asked the question so suddenly. 

“Voight, Hails, and I were waiting for the go ahead to pursue the offender and when we got it, Voight told me that I was to stay put. He took my gun and radio so I would have no tools to get involved with the chase and Hailey fucking agreed with him and they just, they just left me there on the top floor of some parking garage.” Anger bubbled up in Jay as he recalled the events of earlier that day. 

“Why did he bench you?” Erin asked, anger easily detectable in her voice as well. Jay relaxed slightly at the sound of it; someone was on his side. 

“I may have lost a little control when we were bringing in the son of someone we were interrogating. But I was fine, I…by the time we were on that roof, I had pulled myself together and was ready to do the job that needed to be done,” Jay explained. Then, before she could ask another follow-up question, he continued to relay to her the events that led to his current predicament. “After they left, I called Severide because he said he would do anything to help me catch the guy and had him drive me as closely to the perimeter of the area we blocked off as he could. Just so happens, Daniel Mendoza was right near where I was, so I stole a radio from a patrolman and chased him down. He pulled his gun on me first.” 

Jay pulled his head away from Erin’s chest then and straightened his body up so that he was looking down at her.

“I wanted to let him die and I almost didn’t call it in, but he called out for his dad and I don’t know…I don’t know.” Jay wasn’t sure how to put into words what exactly he had been feeling as he and Mendoza laid on the side of the road, panting and gasping for air. In his mind, his actions all made sense but there was a missing connection from his mind to his mouth where those events were concerned. 

Erin listened intently as Jay talked and was torn over ripping him a new one for disobeying Hank’s orders and putting himself in danger and accepting how outraged she felt that Hank would even consider putting Jay in that position to begin with. 

After almost five years of working with Jay, didn’t Hank know by now that Jay did not have the personality to accept being sidelined? Especially when the case was personal?

“I do know that I am so glad that you are here,” Jay whispered as he moved one of his hands away from her waist and up to cup her cheek. Feeling Erin’s head nuzzle into his palm, Jay began stroking his thumb over a small area of her face while saying, “I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without you.” 

“You’re always there for me, always. Of course I was going to be here for you. There’s no place that I’d rather be,” Erin said. Jay’s lips lightly grazed her own before he pulled away and stared into her eyes. Seeing nothing but love and a small tint of anger that his gut informed him that was not intended for him, Jay’s lips pulled into a small, close-mouthed grin. 

“I love you,” he whispered before kissing her good and hard. “So damn much.” 

They were forced to pull apart when their lungs started screaming for air. After taking a moment to catch their breathes, Erin cautiously looked up at Jay, Will’s request silently pestering her to relay the message to Jay.

“Hey, uh, Will was telling me that he was going to your dad’s place to start packing up and sorting through his stuff and I think that it would be good for you to go,” she delicately advised. Her insides tightened up when she saw the appalled look on Jay’s face, but she ignored the feeling and continued. “He was your dad Jay and it’s not right to leave Will to take care of everything on his own.”

“Like he left me alone with Mom?” Jay spat, his eyes emulating what Erin suspected was the image of stormy ocean waters. She placed a calming hand back on Jay’s chest and soothingly used the nail of her index finger to trace a pattern between the freckles that were abundantly scattered over it, taking her time as her nail searched for a way to connect them all. 

“Jay,” she spoke slowly, her voice barely audible. “That’s not fair and you know it.” 

Jay closed his eyes and allowed his mind to fall under the trance Erin’s finger movements was putting on him. She was right, his comment was uncalled for, but that still did not mean he wanted to go to his dad’s. 

“How am I supposed to just go and pack up his stuff like he was never there?” Jay questioned, his eyes fervently searching Erin’s in hopes that they held the answer he did not know he wanted. 

“You just do I guess, I don’t know,” Erin said with a shrug. “Look, you don’t have to and I know that Will will understand if you can’t but…I don’t know Jay, I think it will bring you some closure.” Jay’s head hung low at her comment. Closure…closure…he despised that word. It was the word the military always used when they handed him the flag to give to the family of a fallen brother-in-arms, as if the piece of cloth would be able to achieve such a large task. 

Yet, despite his feelings on the word, Jay found himself nodding along in agreement and saying, “Fine, I’ll uh, I’ll go. Did he say when?” 

“He just said tonight,” Erin informed, thankful that Jay had put up a minimal fight. “I’m sure you have enough time to go home, shower, and change.” Erin was unable to stop the laugh that escaped through her lips at the sight of Jay’s body physically sagging in relief at the mention of going home. 

“You have no idea how amazing that sounds,” he exclaimed. “Especially if you were to join me.” Erin’s laughter continued at his cheeky remark. 

“Not tonight buddy,” she said, shooting him down. “I don’t think that your body can handle it.” Jay had no shame over the fact that he actually began to pout at her words. 

“Damn it Erin, you’re killing me here,” Jay whined, sounding a bit more like his usual self. “How long are you here for?” 

“A week and a half. I fly back next Sunday night,” Erin stated, loving the way that Jay’s eyes lit up over the length of her stay. 

“Promise me I get at least one shower with you then?” He probably would tackle her if he knew that all she could think about was how adorable he looked as he pleaded with her, the storm no longer present in his eyes. 

“Oh, definitely,” Erin quipped as she pressed a teasing kiss at the corner of his mouth. Jay enthusiastically accepted it and let out an aggravated groan when she finally pulled away. 

A silence fell over them and Erin was just about to pull away from her spot in between his legs when Jay’s grip on her waist tightened, the edges of his nails most likely imprinting crescent shapes through the thin material of her jacket and onto her skin. 

“He’s dead Erin, he’s not coming back,” he mumbled, the crack in his voice causing an ache in Erin’s chest to form. She looked up and noticed that the storm was back in his eyes. 

“I know babe,” Erin whispered, pulling his head into her chest once more and beginning to run her fingers lazily through the hair by his ears. “I know and I am so sorry.”

Jay let out a shuddering breath as he allowed the motions of Erin’s fingers to once again put a spell on him and lighten the dull ache that he was taking over his heart and mind. 

“Will you come with us tonight? Please?” He inquired quietly as he forced his body to pull away from Erin’s embrace. He needed her to say yes, 

“Are you sure?” Erin asked, her hand positioning itself identically on his cheek to how his own had been on hers earlier.

“I don’t want to go without you. I don’t think I’ll be able to go without you.” Jay hated how weak he sounded. He had gone to the worst parts of Afghanistan to fight a war twice and when he came back he decided join up against another war that raged throughout the streets of Chicago. He was always the first one to enter a building and the last one to leave, having no problem putting himself in harm’s way if it meant he could keep his friends safe. Yet, despite all of that, he was too scared to go to what was left of his father’s apartment and clear out his stuff. He needed his girlfriend to help him get through such a simple, menial task. 

It was pathetic…he was pathetic. 

“Oh Jay, of course I will,” Erin agreed without a second’s thought. She wouldn’t deny that she wished Jay and Will went on their own so that she could have time to go to the district and give the whole Intelligence Unit a piece of her mind. A small part of her was still fuming that they had all left Jay behind, almost leaving him no choice but to fall into the position that he was now in. They should have backed him and they sure as hell should have protected him and not cast him off to the side while they pursued the one man Jay’s mind was wired to catch. But, the tongue lashing that she wanted to give them was just going to have to wait. For only the second time that she was able to recall, Jay had explicitly stated that he needed her and she would rather die than let him down. 

A silence fell over the two as they just reveled in the other’s presence, but it was short-lived. 

“Hey guys, hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Will called out, his head poking into the room. 

“You’re good Will,” Erin said, her words prompting the rest of the older Halstead’s body to enter the room. Erin was grateful to see that he had brought the luggage that she had left in the hallway earlier with him. 

“Well, Jay, buddy, you’re good to go home,” Will informed. “I have the discharge papers right here and all you have to do is sign.” Jay’s hand quickly moved to snatch the small packet of papers from Will’s hand, the desire to get the hell out of the hospital covering up the intense throbbing pain that fired up inside of his body again. 

“So, I’m all set?” Jay asked once he finished haphazardly scribbling his signature across various dotted lines. 

“Yep, since you opted to not take the pain meds, make sure you’re taking whatever over the counter stuff you have on hand every few hours. They probably won’t do much, but they’ll be better than nothing. Also, you’ll have to take it easy for a week or so until the bruising goes down and you can’t return to active duty until the stitches in your side are removed.” Jay nodded his head in understanding, more at ease with the news than he normally would have been. Maybe taking it easy for a bit will do him some good.

“Great, now uh…” With the way that Will trailed off, Erin immediately knew what he had been trying to say. 

“Jay and I both thought that we would come and help you sort through your dad’s stuff later, is that okay?” Erin answered the question Will had been unable to verbally ask. It was not lost on both Jay and Erin how Will visibly relaxed and breathed a sigh of relief at her question. 

“Thanks, I’d really appreciate it. I’m glad you’re both going to come.” The pointed look that Will sent Erin’s way was filled with nothing but gratitude. “I can swing by Jay’s to get you guys if that works?” 

After agreeing with Will and setting up a time for him to pick them up at Jay’s apartment, Erin and Jay found themselves alone once more. 

“Ready to go?” Erin asked as she pulled away from Jay and walked over to where Will had left her suitcase and bag. 

“Get me out of here please,” Jay chuckled as he slowly got up from the bed. “Do you mind tossing me my shirt? It’s over there on the chair.” He pointed to his tan colored buttoned that laid draped over one of the plastic chairs on the other side of the room. Jay felt bad asking her to fetch it for him, but if he wanted to walk out of this hospital on his own with his pride intact, then he needed to reserve all of the energy that he was able to.

Erin nodded and tried not to recoil too much at the sight of Jay’s blood that stained the shirt’s bottom hem. Mentally willing her stomach to stop churning at the sight, she tossed the shirt in Jay’s direction and watched as he fumbled to get it on. He was in obvious pain, but she knew that Jay’s willingness to accept help only stretched so far; he had to be able to maintain some of his independence. 

Once the shirt was on and enough of its buttons had been secured to hide the bruising that littered his chest, Jay grasped onto Erin’s hand and began what would be a slow walk out of the hospital.

“So, this is your new place?” Erin spun her body around in a slow circle as she took in the surprisingly spacious living room area in Jay’s apartment. She had been hit with a hint of grief when she realized halfway on the Uber ride back to his place that they would not be returning to the apartment that they had once shared together. She had quickly shaken away that thought though; their time there, as wonderful as it was, would always be tainted with the memory of him walking out on her—on them—and she was more excited than anything to now be able to share a new place with Jay. 

“Yep, what do you think?” Jay questioned as he gingerly lowered himself onto the couch, content with watching her take in the space around her. He was by no means an interior decorator, but in a true moment of wanting a new, fresh start, Jay had gone to one too many home goods stores and actually made an attempt to make the apartment look nice. Most of his decorations may have been sports or motorcycle related, but the effort he made was clearly there. 

“Well, I am more relieved than anything to see that you don’t have a toilet in your kitchen and the place actually has rooms,” Erin quipped, her tone light and her eyes sparkling. “No, in all seriousness, I actually really love the place. Good job picking it out Halstead.” Jay swelled with pride at the words. She liked the apartment, the place where he was hoping they were going to start their officially future together in. As crazy as it sounds, her approval of the place was like the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. It was a foolish notion, but one Jay couldn’t help but believe. 

“Haha, thanks. It’s actually pretty great and the perks that come with it are awesome! You’re going to especially love the coffee shop in the place and the pool is great to hang out around in the summer.” Jay watched as Erin nodded her head appreciatively. It was easy to see how excited he was to talk about the place. In fact, Erin was shocked at how easy it was for Jay to push whatever grief he was harboring in regards to his father’s death to the side. Then again, she figured this was the result of their deeply strained relationship and his vast experiences with death from his time in the military and as a cop. 

“I promise, by the end of the week and a half you’re here, you’ll love it and never want to leave,” Jay continued. Erin bit her lip at his words and figured now was as good as a time as any to run an idea that she had had by him. 

“Actually, about that,” she began tentatively, her tone extinguishing the small light that had turned on in Jay’s eyes. Erin’s heart clenched as she realized that he thought she was about to tell him that she was cutting her time in Chicago shorter than she originally said. Technically, his quiet distress was not too far off from what she was about to propose. 

“I was thinking that maybe after your father’s funeral we took a drive to Wisconsin and you finally brought me to that cabin of yours.” 

Jay’s eyes widened in shock. Of all the things he expected her to say, asking him to take her to Wisconsin was nowhere on that list.

“Y-you want me to take you to the cabin? For real?” He tried his hardest to mask his disbelief, but Jay knew by the spatter of giggles spilling from Erin’s mouth that he had failed catastrophically. 

“Oh, don’t sound so shocked!” Erin laughed. “You were always promising to take me there and I think it’s about high time that I collect. Plus…well, I know how much the cabin means to you and I just thought…I just thought that it would be nice if the two of us went away for a bit.” 

“It’ll be nice to get away,” Jay spoke softly, his mind conjuring up images of what a vacation featuring just the two of them and the cabin on the lake would look like. “I think it’s a great idea. Thank you.” 

The gratitude was necessary. Jay knew that deep down, Erin probably wanted nothing to do with his grandfather’s old cabin. She was a city girl through and through and the idea of “roughing it” for a night, let alone a few days, was enough to send her through the roof. But, if Jay had any doubts (not that he did) over how much she loved him, her suggestion and willingness to trek up to the woods of Wisconsin of all places was enough proof to last a lifetime. She knew that the place was where he went when he needed to sort through his life and get his shit together and while he felt that he was fairly well kept at the moment, he did need to sort through whatever feelings he had over his dad’s passing. 

“No need to thank me, but, uh, I think you need to go shower if you want to be ready for when Will gets here,” Erin said, now standing in front of him. She lowered her head down and pressed a kiss onto his lips. “You kinda smell.” She whispered when she pulled away. 

“You actually suck,” Jay grunted as he used all of the strength in his arms to pull himself off of the couch. “Still no chance you’ll join me?” 

“No, but I will help you there since you can barely move.” Erin wrapped her arm around Jay’s waist to provide him some stability as they slowly made their way towards the bathroom that was attached to his bedroom. 

“Take a couple rounds in the chest and then we’ll talk.” The joking nature in which Jay spoke quickly vanished as he processed what he actually said. His footfalls faltered as he imagined Erin getting shot anywhere, let alone somewhere as deadly as in the chest. He quickly determined that it was something he hoped would never see fruition. 

Erin must have sensed that Jay instantly regretted his attempt at a joke because she did not dignify it with a response. Instead, she simply finished leading him to the bathroom and turned the shower on for him while he attempted to undress himself. Flinching at every one of his hisses in pain, Erin struggled to remain a mere bystander to his struggle. 

Once Jay was in the shower, Erin left the confines of the bathroom that she woefully noticed was a tad bit larger than her own in New York and got comfortable on the living room couch. She became flushed when she recognized the piece of furniture as the one he had helped her pick out after her “sabbatical.” After all of the good memories that they shared together in the very spot she was sitting in, Erin couldn’t blame Jay for wanting to keep it; she didn’t think that she would have been able to part with it either. 

Erin’s trip down memory lane was only halfway completed when a loud knock on the front door pulled her off course. 

Checking the time on her phone and seeing there was still over an hour to go until Will came to pick them up, Erin became rattled over the thought of who had come to see Jay. The knocking persisted and, knowing that Jay was in no way near to being done in the shower, Erin slowly and albeit reluctantly went to greet whoever it was on the other side of the door. 

Not even bothering to check through the small peephole, Erin braced herself for the visitor and flung the door open. 

“Erin?” Antonio Dawson gasped, beating her greeting. 

“Hey Tonio,” Erin said meekly as she stepped aside and gestured for him to come into the apartment. “How’s it going?” It was a pitiful thing to say after going almost a year of not speaking to the man who had acted more as a surrogate older brother to her than a coworker, but Erin had never truly been one for conventionality. 

“How’s it—what the hell are you doing here?” He spluttered as he placed the six pack of beer and bottle of whiskey that Erin didn’t noticed he had been holding on the little table Jay had set up next to the door for him to toss his keys and badge on. She wasn’t given the chance to answer because the next thing she knew, she was being bear-hugged by the older man. 

Erin stood stiffly for only a few seconds before she allowed herself to sink into the feeling of her friend’s arms. It was crazy how much she missed his comradery.

“What are you doing here?” Antonio asked again once the two had separated. “I thought you were in New York.”

“I was, I am, I just…Jay needed me, ya know?” Erin gave a small shrug, feeling very uncomfortable at the penetrating stare Antonio was giving her. 

“Why now? What made you decide to come back now after all this time? This isn’t the first time the guy has needed you Linds. So, why now?” Erin had hoped his detective skills would have kicked in and saved her from answering the question. She knew that when she officially came back to Chicago for good she would have a lot of explaining to do but, she would have had the time to prep what she was going to say to the only people that she truly considered to be her family. She had no time to prepare for this. 

“It’s a long story but, uh, Jay and I have been…seeing…each other for a while,” she managed to stutter, the rise of Antonio’s eyebrows at her words not lost on her. “He came to New York a while back and usually he comes to me but that wasn’t going to be possible with this.”

Erin watched the mirage of expressions that crossed over Antonio’s face as he connected her words to not only the situation but the events of the past few months. 

“All those little vacations he took, they were to see you?” Erin nodded in confirmation, biting her lower lip as she nervously awaited Antonio’s reaction. 

He stared at her for an uncomfortable amount of time before saying, “Huh, I’m honestly not that surprised. You always did come back for him.” Erin smiled softly at his words, the memory of how she pulled herself out of her drunken, drug-induced stupor to rescue him from Derek Keyes immediately coming to mind. 

“So, where is Jay anyway? Figured he could use a drinking buddy after everything that’s happened.” Erin relished in the change of subject; it was weird for her to talk about her relationship with Jay with the man she used to work with. For the duration of their relationship while she was in Chicago, they had worked exceptionally hard to separate their personal lives from their professional ones and that meant there was no relationship talk with anyone in the unit. That was going to be hard habit to break if this conversation was anything to go by. 

“In the shower,” she informed. “We’re going with Will in a little bit to his dad’s place to sort through everything. I think they want everything taken care of before the funeral so they can just be…done…with the whole thing.” 

“Makes sense,” Antonio said, nodding his head in understanding. “So, how long are you here for?” 

“Until next Sunday but Jay and I were thinking of going up to Wisconsin after the funeral for a few days to just unwind.” Erin watched Antonio continue to nod his head as he took in her words. 

“I bet work with the FBI has been crazy, given that you weren’t even to come back for Al’s funeral.” Erin closed her eyes at the inevitable dig she knew was coming her way from the moment her eyes laid on her former coworker. 

“I was deep undercover and didn’t find out until after the funeral when Jay came to New York to tell me,” she explained. 

“Yeah, that’s what Jay said when we were all questioning where you were while we poured one out for O.” 

“I swear, I would have been here if I knew what was going on. I…I can’t help but think if I did come back and talk sense into both Al and Hank that the whole mess would have been avoided,” Erin mumbled, surprised that she was verbalizing a thought that, no matter how Jay tried to assure her otherwise, had been haunting her since she received the death notice.

“You know as well as I do that nothing was going to change what happened,” Antonio stated firmly. Erin shrugged and was going to say something else when she heard the sound of slow, heavy footfalls coming up behind her. 

“Hey man, what are you doing here?” Jay questioned as he loosely draped him arm around Erin’s waist and rested his hand on her hip. 

“Thought you’d might want some company since I know Will is working. Figured we’d maybe have a drink or two in honor of your dad but it looks like you already have company,” Antonio gestured towards Erin, a small, undistinguishable smirk on his face. “So, I’ll leave the alcohol with you and leave you two at it.”

“You can stay if you want,” Jay offered out of politeness instead of actually meaning it. Antonio waved his hand in rejection. 

“Nah, I’m gonna head out. Truthfully, I was just stopping by to check on you and make sure that you’re doing alright after everything but seeing as you’re in good hands, I can tell that I am not needed.” Erin blushed at Antonio’s words and smiled gratefully at him for them. 

“Yeah, alright man, thanks for stopping by.” Jay held his hand out for Antonio to shake. “You sure you don’t want to take the alcohol with you?” 

“It’s all yours bro,” Antonio said, waving off Jay’s question. “Besides, this one will probably need it to get through a week in Wisconsin.” Erin faked indignation when her friend jerked his thumb in her direction. 

“I’ll have you know, it was my idea!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Antonio laughed as he turned to let himself out of the apartment. “Just don’t go visiting any of the meth labs up there! Something tells me the feds won’t like that!” 

“Oh go to hell!” Erin jokingly yelled to the back of the retreating man. Both she and Jay laughed when they saw him throw up his hand over his head and flip them off. 

Erin shut the door when she saw Antonio get into the elevator at the end of the hall. Turning towards Jay, she took in the sight of him and noticed how much better he looked than he had earlier. While the bags were still semi-noticeable under his eyes, his face looked refreshed since being scrubbed clean from all of the dirt and blood that previously resided on it. Erin was selfishly thankful to notice that he hadn’t shaved the small amount of scruff that was growing in on his cheeks. 

“Have a good shower babe?” She asked as he began leading her back towards what would soon be their living room. 

“Hot water never felt so good on my body,” he declared as he sat down on the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table in front of him. Erin was relieved to see how he was moving with a tad bit more ease than he had been prior; either the shower helped his pain, or his body adapted to it. 

“Glad to hear it. You definitely needed that shower,” Erin said, sitting down in the cushiony arm chair across from the couch and tucking her legs up underneath her. “How uh, how are you doing? Really?” 

“Erin,” Jay groaned while rolling his eyes at the question. He thought she got that he was sick of people talking to him about his dad and asking how he was feeling. 

“Jay, babe, it’s me, it’s just me. Please talk to me, you know that you can tell me anything,” Erin reminded, the steady and soothing tone of her voice loosening the metaphorical chains that Jay had put on his tongue. She was right, he could talk to her about anything so why did he think that this had to be any different?

“Look,” Erin spoke again, presumably taking his silence to mean that he was not going to speak to her. “I cannot imagine what you’re feeling right now. I know my experience in the parents’ department is definitely lacking but I know that when Camille died, the only reason that I was able to get through it was by talking to my best friend at the time about her, just like memories and stuff. I’m not saying that that will work for you, but whenever you are ready to talk about it, I am here for you. Always.” 

Jay fisted both of his hands and brought them down on both of his knees. He clenched and unclenched them three times before he finally found the words to respond. 

“That’s just it,” he began, lifting his head up so that he was looking right into her hazel eyes, which were so obviously filled with concern for him. For reasons unknown, the concern he saw gave him the strength he needed to continue. “I can’t help but think this would all be so much easier to deal with if I could just think of one good memory of me and Pop. But, no matter how hard I try, I fucking can’t. How is it that I don’t have one good memory with him?” 

Erin frowned at his words, knowing all too well what it was like to not have good memories with a parent. Unfortunately, she didn’t think now was the time to bring up that particular shared similarity. 

“When we were kids, it was all about Will and as I got older, he just didn’t, didn’t care. Not about me, not about anyone.” Jay’s tone turned more bitter with each of his words. 

“What about your mom? He loved her, didn’t he?” Erin hesitantly asked. She was taking a huge gamble bringing up Katherine Halstead but what did she have to lose? 

‘Jay’s love,’ her mind reminded. Erin quickly shoved the warning aside, knowing it was nothing more than her insecurities trying to get the best of her. 

Jay involuntarily smiled at the mention of his parents together. Erin’s question surprisingly brought on a flurry of memories of his mom and dad together. 

“Yeah, he loved her. They were good together. He was never an asshole when she was around. But uh, then she got sick. And that was the end of that.” His mother’s cancer diagnosis snipped the final few threads were holding his family together; nothing was ever the same after they got the news. “When she died, the bastard actually said good riddance, like her dying was an inconvenience to him. I stopped speaking to him for years after that.”

Erin grinded on her teeth to keep her jaw from dropping at what Jay was telling her. He didn’t even mean to let it out, it just did and now that it had, he was unable to stop it. 

“He was too embarrassed to even come to my graduation at the Academy. The only people who came for me were the Corson’s.” Jay shook his head and tried to contain the his emotions inside of him. It was one thing to talk to Erin about all of this, it was a totally different thing for him to visibly show her how it all made him feel. 

“The parents of the kid in the Rodiger case?” Erin double-checked, vaguely recognizing the name. 

“Yeah, Mrs. Corson and my mom were friends growing up and stayed in touch over the years. Allie was the only one who was really there for me when Mom died, well, her and Mouse but he was going through his own stuff at the time too,” Jay informed. “Mouse doesn’t even know about my Dad or Al.” Erin, completely oblivious to how communications with those overseas worked, said nothing. 

“It’s just weird,” Jay continued, speaking as if he was a record player set to automatically play another track immediately after one finished. “A part of me is so…upset that he’s dead and another is just pissed that he died before I could have at least a semi-decent conversation with him. But a major part of me is just numb to it all. Like, I’m not even phased by it. Pop dying almost feels like watching any other person die in the streets. And I think that’s what has me so upset to begin with. That I feel this way about my own dad.” 

Erin watched him intently, knowing that more words were going to flow from his mouth after his brief pause. 

“I just want to put this all behind me, to wash my hands with it all, with him. The sooner he is in the ground, the better. I’ve had nothing but ill feelings towards him for years and all of a sudden, I feel like his death should change that but it can’t. Our relationship was what it was and I don’t want to punish myself any more for it. And I know that sounds God awful, but it’s the truth.”

“Getting shot seems like a pretty good penance,” Erin said, understanding his desire to be done with the parent who brought nothing but pain into his life. Jay gave her a small smirk as he chuckled in response. 

“Yeah…yeah, you’re probably right.” 

A silence fell over them as Jay ran out of words to say and Erin didn’t have enough in her to string together a proper response. 

“Hey Jay,” she finally spoke, her voice so soft it was barely audible. “It’s all gonna be okay. You’re going to get through this and you will put this behind you. I’ll make sure of it.”

Jay nodded his head in gratitude. “I love you Er and I can’t thank you enough for being here. You don’t…you don’t know how much I need you to be by my side through all this bullshit.” 

“We promised always didn’t we?” 

Jay grinned, happy that their old promise still held so much meaning to them five years later. 

“We did,” Jay said, his first true smile in days breaking out over his face.


	12. Chapter 12

Jay stood stoically besides Erin in the front pew of the church as he listened to Will deliver their father’s eulogy. Well, listen was a relative term; Jay watched as his brother’s lips moved but whatever he was saying was lost on Jay. His mind was too busy trying to process the discovery that he had made while sorting through his father’s apartment the three days before.

While Erin and Will had decided to begin in the living room, Jay had found himself wandering into his father’s bedroom and rifling through his drawers. Amongst all of the old pictures and tokens from Pat Halstead’s relationship with his wife and a few keepsakes of Will’s achievements throughout the years, Jay found an old newspaper cutout of an article written about him and a photograph of his Police Academy graduation. Jay knew that his father never went to the graduation and that the photograph was one that Gail Corson had taken, but it touched Jay in ways he never imagined to see that he had kept the photo all of these years. Hell, it had touched him enough to cause him to break down at the sight of them and, three days later, find himself still contemplating what those keepsakes meant. 

Had his father actually been proud of the work that he was doing? And if so, why didn’t he say anything? 

These questions had been looping through his head repeatedly and the more Jay thought about them, the more angry he felt. Yet, it was so difficult for him to put what he was feeling into words because deep down, he truly didn’t know what he was feeling. 

Erin had been able to sympathize with him somewhat when he confessed to her his thoughts the night before, telling him she had similar feelings when she found out that Bunny had been sending photos to her supposed father religiously for years. 

“Bunny never thought to save the photos for herself, or for me, but she wanted to send them to Jimmy. And in all of the photos, I looked so happy and I just…I’ll never understand why she didn’t keep them. She wanted nothing to do with me or with those photos, yet she still made sure to take them apparently,” she had said. Her words were only somewhat comforting because as awful as his father had been, he was no Bunny Fletcher. 

Regardless, Jay was always going to be left wondering the answers to his questions because his father was dead and would be placed in the ground within the hour. So, he did his best to bring his mind back into the present and actually listen to the words that his brother was saying. 

“Dad was a piece of work, I think we can all agree on that.” Will’s comment withdrew weak chuckles from the small crowd that had come to the service. Jay was not surprised by the turnout; the spiteful nature that overtook his father when his mother passed had caused the old man to lose most, if not all, of his friends. A few random aunts and uncles that Jay had not heard from in years had turned up, along with some people from his childhood neighborhood. But, the majority of the crowd was the Unit, Will’s friends from Med, and a few of the 51 crew that were able to spare an hour out of their morning to come by and pay their respects. 

Judging by the way Erin was clutching onto his hand and looking over her shoulder ever few minutes, Jay knew that the presence of her former colleagues and friends were making her feel very uncomfortable. Even in his grief-addled state, Jay had been unable to miss the shocked looks that transformed everyone’s faces when she walked in with him, Will, and Natalie and he was shamefully curious to see if anyone would say anything to her following the burial. He hoped not. Asides from going with Will and Natalie to their father’s favorite bar for a quick drink in Patrick’s name, Jay and Erin had plans to take off for Wisconsin as quickly as possible and he did not want to start their vacation off on a sour note. 

“But, underneath it all, he was a great dad and I know I definitely learned a lot from him and will forever treasure the memories that I was able to make with him.” Jay had to refrain from rolling his eyes at Will’s words. ‘Great dad my ass,’ he thought to himself as Will launched into the story of when Pop took him to his first ever White Sox game. 

Jay had gotten tired of riding the rollercoaster of feelings the past week had forced him to get on so he decided to get off at the one feeling he always felt with his dad: contempt. Years of neglect and emotional abuse did not get to simply be washed away because the old man died and for the life of him, Jay was unable to come up with a reason why he thought they would in the first place. When he said as much to Will and Erin after they sorted through the whole apartment and went to the pizza shop down the street for a late night snack, predictably his brother scoffed but Erin squeezed his hand comfortingly. Later that night, she confided in him that she had thought about too often how she would react in a situation where Bunny died and said that each time she always came to the same conclusion that he had with his own father. 

He felt bad that this was the way that he felt, but nothing could be done about it now. It was what it was and there was no changing that. All he could do now was hope that his mother and father were happy together and that he would be a much better father to his own children. 

Will may have learned a lot from Patrick, but Jay believed that he learned the most important lesson of all and that was kind of father to not be. When the time came for him and Erin to have kids of their own, Jay felt that they would be so prepared simply because they had such shitty parental role models to look up to. 

“Our dad has been living on borrowed time for a while now and I am just so grateful to have had these extra years with him. Now, I can only hope he is back with Mom and they’re dancing around whatever kitchen Heaven has for them. Love you Pop, sláinte,” Will concluded before launching into the traditional Irish Blessing for his final sendoff to their dad. It was the same blessing that Jay had read for his mother when he eulogized her and both brothers felt that it was only fitting they sent their dad off in the same way. 

“Your parents used to dance around the kitchen?” Erin whispered, tilting her head upwards so that only he would be able to hear. Jay smiled faintly at the memory of all the times his mom turned on the radio and danced with their dad while he and Will picked up the table after dinner. Since hearing the rough draft of Will’s speech, Jay found comfort in the memories that he had unfortunately long forgotten about. It was so hard to remember the small slivers of good amongst so much bad but he was thankful for the memories that had come back to him. With them came that one good memory of his father he had been searching for to make everything seem okay. He would have preferred to find one that featured just him and his dad (deep down he knew one existed), but until that one came to mind, the one Will spoke of would have to do. 

“Yeah, all the time,” Jay whispered back, brushing his lips lightly against her hairline. 

“Mhm, that sounds really nice,” Erin mumbled as she pressed a light kiss against his lightly bearded jawline. Somewhere in the back of each of their minds did they both realize that this was the most intimate PDA they have ever shared in public together while in Chicago with their friends and family watching—well, besides that night in Molly’s when they entered into an official, non-secretive relationship. 

Jay was going to respond with a remark on how he hoped one day maybe they would share a dance in their kitchen, but Will had returned back to his seat beside him before he had the chance. 

“Did that sound okay?” Will asked as everyone stood for the priest’s closing blessing. 

“I think he would have liked it,” Jay assured his brother despite not exactly meaning what he was saying. His dad would have hated this whole thing: the wake, the funeral mass, the procession to the cemetery, the final words of the priest over the casket as it is lowered into the ground, and the drinks in his name that would follow. 

“A damn waste of time and money,” he imagined his father saying as the processional music began to play. Even when the love of his life passed, Patrick cared less about the funeral arrangements, leaving everything for Jay to sort out because, according to him, it’s not like Katherine was going to get to enjoy the funeral anyway. “She’s not here, she’s dead,” he had continuously mumbled throughout the day. “She’s fucking dead and I’m spending all my money on a God damn corpse.”

As he and Erin filed out of the pew behind Will and Natalie, Jay was surprised to find himself biting back a laugh as he thought of a song from a band he liked that was all about dying and not giving a shit what happened afterwards to the deceased body. 

“You can take my urn to Fenway, spread my ashes all about. Or, you can bring me down to Wolly Beach and dump the sucker out. Burn me to a rotten crisp and toast me for a while. I could really give a shit, I’m going out in style,” the singers sang. Jay’s mouth quirked upwards at how applicable the words were to his father. 

Any of those options in the song would have been viable options for Patrick Halstead. Except, of course, Pat would have to be buried at Guaranteed Rate Field and with there being no beaches in Chicago, the beloved Lake Michigan would have to do. 

Plus, his father croaked as a result of him playing hero so Pat definitely went out in style. 

Keeping his eyes forward and ignoring the looks everyone was, once again, giving him and Erin as they walked hand-in-hand, Jay vowed that the song he felt fit his father to a T would be played at least once on the long car ride to Wisconsin.

“Almost done babe,” Erin muttered to him as he guided her into the back of the black car that was set to follow the hearse. 

“Thank God,” Jay said under his breath once Erin’s body was fully inside of the car and seated next to Natalie. Only a few more hours and it would just be him and Erin on the open road to his favorite place…

//

Erin waited patiently by Jay’s side as various funeral goers came up to him and Will and gave their final condolences before leaving the cemetery. She didn’t recognize anyone that had approached the brothers thus far, but, multiple glances out of the corner of her eye told her that the Unit was biding their time on the outskirts of the gravesite, waiting until everyone else had their chance to speak to Jay and Will. 

Truthfully, she was dreading the moment that she came face-to-face with them. It was one thing seeing just Antonio the other night but a whole other thing to see the members of Intelligence all at once. She just hoped that they had enough tact to not make a big deal about her presence above the freshly dug ground that now housed the Halstead patriarch. 

“Erin,” Jay’s voice pulled her attention back to the elderly woman that was now standing uncomfortably close in front of them. “This is my aunt Caoimhe, she’s my dad’s younger sister. Aunt Caoimhe, this is my girlfriend Erin Lindsay.” Erin stuck her hand out once Jay finished the introduction and tried not to feel like a lab rat as she watched the elder woman very clearly inspect her up and down.

“Harrumph,” Aunt Caoimhe grunted. “Your father said nothing about you having a girl. She better not be a floozy.” Erin was unable to prevent herself from looking aghast at the suggestion and became even more riled up when she heard both Jay and Will choking back laughter. 

“Erin’s great Auntie C, I’ll vouch for her,” Will chimed in with his typical smirk. Aunt Caoimhe grumbled some more, hugged both brothers, and said a few words in remembrance of her “miserable” brother before she went on her way and joined the rest of the relatives Erin had no clue Jay even had. 

“The whole lot of them are crazy,” Will said with a shake of his head. “There’s a reason why we haven’t seen them in years, right Jay?” 

“Don’t I know it,” Jay agreed as he watched the few remaining family members he had left walk off together. It was a sad sight to see, he thought. Both of his parents had come from such large families but only three of his father’s siblings remained. ‘And of course it’s the three who never really cared to get on with the rest of the family in the first place,’ Jay silently said to himself. His mother used to always joke that his two aunts and uncle made his father seem like the happy dwarf from that Disney princess movie. 

“Heads up,” Will was suddenly whispering loudly as he jerked his head towards the oncoming crowd. Jay didn’t even have to turn his head to know who it was. Judging by the way Erin’s body straightened like a plank of wood, Jay knew that it was the Intelligence Unit approaching them. 

“Hey guys,” Jay greeted before anyone was able to say anything to him or Erin. “Thanks for coming. We really appreciate it.” 

Kim was the first to react. After offering up rushed condolences and giving both brothers a quick hug, she rushed towards Erin and flung her arms around her. 

“It’s so good to see you,” Kim spoke into Erin’s ear so that only she would be able to hear. “I can’t even begin to describe how much I’ve missed you.” 

Erin clung to her friend just as tightly, realizing that she too was unable to describe how much she’s missed Kim’s companionship. 

When Kim finally pulled away, Erin found herself on the receiving end of four less-than-thrilled glares so intense that her shoulders instinctively rolled back and her body straightened into a fighter’s position. ‘Don’t let them say anything…don’t let them start anything,’ she silently willed as her eyes darted back and forth between Hailey Upton, Adam Ruzek, Kevin Atwater, and Hank Voight. It had been almost a year since she had last seen any of them and it was quite obvious that a lot of unspoken words had been building up over the course of the past seven months. She just hoped their location would prevent the words from being spoken into existence. 

Antonio broke the intense stare down just as Jay’s arm wrapped around Erin’s shoulders protectively, the action almost daring one of the four Chicago officers to say something to either of them. 

“Er, good to see you again,” Antonio said, stepping forward to give her a quick, one-armed hug. “Jay, Will, how you guys holding up?” 

“Hanging in there,” Jay stated as his gave his friend a firm handshake while Antonio patted him on the back in a typical guy way. “Honestly, glad that after today this will all be over.” Erin watched as Antonio nodded sympathetically before turning to Will and commending the eulogy that he gave for his father.

Erin tried to follow as Jay, Will, and Antonio partook in a small talk conversation that Adam and Kevin had quickly joined in on, but Hank’s timid steps forward distracted her. 

“I was wondering if I was going to be seeing you here,” Hank greeted Erin, who took note of how his arms slightly raised as if they were looking to embrace her. 

“Why wouldn’t I be here?” Erin was unable to keep the bite from her words; seeing Hank in the flesh raised too many emotions in her. He had paved the way for her to leave Chicago and she was unable to look past the large hand he played in Jay getting shot. 

It was clear that Hank was not expecting this to be her reaction to seeing him again because he merely shrugged while a tense and awkward air draped over the two of them. Erin was truly at a loss over what to say. Typically, whenever one had a problem with the other, they would fight it out and then all would be forgiven. Unfortunately for them, the cemetery was not the place for that to happen, especially with the audience that was now watching them. Erin was well aware that all other conversations had stopped and the eyes of the entire unit were flitting back and forth between her and Hank, watching and waiting with bated breath to see what would happen. 

“So, are you back for good? Or just for the funeral?” Hailey asked, the last member of the group to step forward. Erin recoiled at her words. She knew by the light tone in which they were spoken that they were meant to diffuse the tension and turn the focus away from the brewing argument. But, Hailey’s voiced presence brought on an onslaught of annoyance as Erin unfortunately blamed her as well for Jay’s injuries. She had really been hoping she could go through the whole funeral and burial without having to really speak to either Hank or Hailey in fear that if she did she would snap at them both. But when did things ever go the way she wanted them to?

“Uh…” Erin was actually unsure of how she should answer the question. Did Jay want the team knowing their future plans? Was it even appropriate to be talking about this now? 

Jay, sensing that Erin was struggling to put an answer together, decided to answer the question instead. “She came for the funeral and goes back to New York next Sunday.” Both Erin and Jay were unable to miss the way that Hailey’s eyes narrowed in on Erin while she moved closer to Adam. 

“I guess now I know why you wanted the rest of this week and the next off of work.” Hank was clearly attempting to try and make a joke, but his words only pissed off Erin and made Jay uncomfortable. Yes, Erin being here had played a huge role in him wanting to take the week off, but he was also recovering from an injury and was in no condition to take on the heavy duty tasks that the job required of him. Just as he was about to say so, Erin opened her mouth to speak.

“No, he’s taking a week off because he got shot and his dad died,” she spat, taking the words right out of his mouth. Jay’s arm that was still wrapped around her shoulders tightened in a reassuring squeeze. Erin took it as a sign that he approved of whatever was about to come out of her mouth. 

“Because he couldn’t follow orders.” Jay knew that Voight’s words were a reflex and that his boss (hopefully) didn’t mean them, but that didn’t take away the sting he felt when he heard them. Jay was not granted the opportunity to process why the words bothered him because the next thing he knew, Erin was blowing up at Hank.

“Orders he shouldn’t have had in the first place!” She yelled, no longer caring that they were in a cemetery and standing beside her boyfriend’s father’s grave. “His father had been killed! Jay did not deserve to be sidelined and you have to be the biggest hypocrite in the world to bench him when you did!” Erin’s nostrils flared as she sucked in a breath before continuing. “No one stopped you from pursuing Justin’s killer and you gave everyone the okay to take Al’s death personal and treat the man who ordered his death as they saw fit, so why was this situation any different? Because he got a little rough with a suspect? Bullshit.”

Everyone was speechless, stunned by the audacity Erin had to even speak to Hank Voight in that way. Clearly, seven months was enough time for them to forget that the rules never seemed to apply to her. 

“Because he wasn’t thinking straight and a distracted cop is a dead cop,” Hailey interjected before Hank had the chance to defend himself. 

Erin rounded on her replacement. “And as his partner, you should have had his back and supported him! Not leave him stranded on the top of a fucking parking garage!” Erin relished in the abashed look that overcame Hailey’s face. At least she had the decency to look ashamed over her role in Jay’s shooting. 

“Okay, guys, enough is enough, seriously,” Will said, stepping away from Natalie and standing in between Erin, Hank, and Hailey. “Jay’s fine and there is no sense arguing about it, especially here. What happened happened and there’s no changing that so just drop it for now, alright?”

Erin, knowing that she had taken it too far, nodded regretfully and bowed out of the conversation. She watched Hank shake his head, mumble something indecipherable, and walk away from the gravesite. The sight of the back of him left an uneasy feeling in her stomach. What now seems like a lifetime ago, Hank promised to never turn his back on her and to always be there for her. Now, it felt like there was an incomprehensible distance between them and, while she didn’t regret her feelings and what she said, Erin still felt awful that the distance had the chance to grow in the first place. 

The sound of Hailey’s voice saying, “Sorry Jay,” and the weight of Jay’s arm leaving her shoulders pulled Erin’s attention away from Hank and onto her boyfriend and his partner. She watched as the two embraced for a moment before looking out of the side of her eye at Adam. She was only half surprised to see that bearded cop was intently watching them too. 

“Erin, maybe we could all find a time this week to get drinks and catch up?” Kim’s voice filled the awkward silence that ensued after Jay and Hailey pulled apart. 

“That sounds great but, uh—”

“We’re heading to Wisconsin after this and will probably be staying there until Saturday,” Jay interrupted, his body visibly perking up at the mention of their week long plans. “Actually, we should probably get ready to head out soon…” The way in which his words trailed off insinuated that he was ready to leave the cemetery and put this little reunion (if they could call it that) behind him. Erin, wanting the same thing, bobbed her head up and down enthusiastically. The rest of Intelligence seemed to take the hint as they began queuing up to pass along their condolences to the Halstead brothers one final time. 

Only Antonio and Kim turned to her as well and relayed parting words and a farewell hug to her. While she didn’t expect much from Hailey since they had only known each other for a short period of time, she had foolishly hoped that Adam and Kevin would have reacted much more favorably to her unannounced presence. Whether their actions were out of loyalty to Jay or genuine anger towards her leaving, it all hurt the same to Erin. 

“We’ll get drinks another time then, yeah?” Kim mumbled as she clung to Erin tightly. 

“Of course,” Erin choked out, suddenly sad to be leaving her friend behind. With one last squeeze, the two female cops pulled away from each other. Erin watched as Kim jogged to catch up with the rest of the unit before turning to Jay, Will, and Natalie.

“Guys, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make a scene like that. I just…” Now that it was just the four of them left, she had no conversations or excuses to hide behind the unnecessary drama she had caused. 

Looking up at both of the brothers sheepishly, she fully expected them to both look a tad bit pissed off and annoyed at what she had done. There was no way that Will was going to be appreciative that she picked a fight mere moments that his father had been put into the ground and she knew Jay would be miffed that she fought a fight she knew he felt was his own. Instead, both look pleasantly impressed and amused at her. 

“It wouldn’t have been a proper send-off for Pop without a fight,” Will reassured. “Besides, to see someone put Voight in his place like that? So worth the spectacle.” Erin knew by the slight strain in his voice that partial of what he was saying was simply to keep him in Jay’s good graces but Erin smiled at the words all the same. 

“I’ll toast to that,” Jay chuckled as he hooked his arm around her shoulders once more. “What do you guys say we get out of here and head over to Doyle’s?”

“You just want to get out of here,” Will commented, lending a hand to Natalie as she struggled to walk across the grassy area in her heels. 

Jay simply nodded his head in affirmation, wanting nothing more than to exit the cemetery and put the events of the morning behind him. 

//

An amused smile played across Jay’s face as he watched Erin verbally run through a mental checklist, counting off each inaudible item off on her manicured fingers.

The couple had arrived back to his apartment thirty minutes earlier and quickly shed their funeral garb into much more comfortable clothes for the upcoming five-ish hour drive to where the cabin was located. 

“Babe, I think we have everything and whatever we forget, we can either buy it or just go without,” Jay commented from where he sat on his bed, clad in just a pair of sweatpants with the shirt he intended to put on laying besides him. He had just rubbed ointment all over the stitched area where Mendoza’s bullet had grazed him and he wanted to give it the chance to soak into his skin before the cotton of his t-shirt soaked it up. 

Erin looked up at him and gave him an exasperated look. “If I am spending the next week in the middle of nowhere you can damn well bet that we will be arriving with everything we need,” she barked. Jay rolled his eyes and resumed watching her count off on her fingers. When she began to pace back and forth his eyes involuntarily followed as he appreciatively stared at how good her lower half looked in the pair of black leggings she had decided to change into. 

“You know, we don’t have to go,” Jay said once he took over control of his eyes and shifted them towards her pretty face that was now marred with stress lines. He knew that it was a big deal for her to surrender herself to nature and leave the confines of the city life she loved so much and the gesture that she would do so for him was more than enough. 

“Do you not want to go?” Jay was surprised to hear no hints of hopefulness in her voice, only fear and worry. ‘Huh,’ he thought, perplexed over the notion that she truly wanted to go somewhere she had spent years expressing her lack of desire to go to. 

“No, not at all!” He exclaimed. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to go because I totally get it, nature isn’t your thing.” Erin smiled faintly at his words, seemingly remembering the time when she had told him as much after she relayed to him the disaster that was the camping trip she once went on with the Voights. “Never again,” she had darkly vowed to his bemusement once the tale had been told. 

“Jay,” she spoke softly. Halting her pacing and redirecting her steps towards him, she positioned herself in between his legs before continuing. “I know how much the cabin means to you. I want to go. I want you to share this piece of you with me. I promise.” Because at the center of it all, that was all she wanted. To know every single little piece that there was to know about him. Before, the relationship had been all about her and her past. Now, she had the opportunity to fix that and she was not going to pass the chance up. 

Jay leaned forward and pressed a searing kiss to her lips. His tongue playfully ran along her mouth’s line before slipping inside of it. The two remained locked together for some time before Erin breathlessly pulled away after her finger grazed against the patch of skin just above his waist that was stitched together. 

Inching her body backwards, she allowed enough space to separate them so that she could get a clear view of the injury that would no doubt add another scar to his already extensive collection. 

“I still can’t believe you got shot. I hate that you got shot,” she whispered, trailing her fingers lightly around the surrounding area of where the bullet had hit him. 

“Erin, I’m okay. You heard Will earlier, I am fine. It’s basically just an ugly looking scratch at this point,” Jay tried to assure her, wishing that this conversation had not been lost in the midst of dealing with his father’s death and planning the funeral. 

“I could have lost you,” Erin cried, obviously not paying attention to what he was trying to tell her. “God Jay, I was ready to kill Hank and Hailey when I first heard the news. I still want to. Because of them, you could have died and I can’t lose you. I can’t!” Jay engulfed her body against his own, understanding now why she had been unable to contain her outburst in the cemetery. It had not bothered him per say that she had argued on his behalf, but he was shocked that she had done so in such a ferocious manner, especially against the man who she had once risked her whole life for. 

“I’m not going anywhere but to Wisconsin with you. Okay?” He felt her head move upwards against his own. “Good. Now, go get your bags and bring them down to the car. I just have to pack up a few more things and finish getting dressed and then we’ll go, alright?” It was ungentlemanly for him to ask her to complete such a task, but he knew Erin would have mocked him anyway if he carried her bags for her. Plus, he wanted her out of the room for a moment so that he could collect his thoughts. 

Her words and her obvious living a life without him ignited feelings inside of him that had long been dormant and he just needed take a second alone to make sure he was truly understanding what those feelings meant. 

“I mean, I’m not going to complain if you went like this,” Erin cheekily said with a slight smirk. Jay’s face mirrored her own at the sound of her voice going back to its usual sound, the distress in it fully vanished without a trace. 

Jay wagged his eyebrows in the way that never failed to make her laugh. “Go get your shit,” he jokingly ordered, pointing his finger in the direction of the bedroom door. 

“Sir yes sir!” Erin mock saluted before she turned and exited the room. Walking into the living room, Erin knelt down beside her opened suitcase on the floor’s rug and rummaged through it one last time to make sure that she had packed everything that was going to need. Her cheeks momentarily flushed as her hand came into contact with the carefully wrapped box from an overly expensive lingerie store she had found in New York. Pulling her hand away so quickly it was as if she had come into contact with a rack inside a hot oven, Erin let out of puff of breath before zipping her suitcase shut. She was proud that she only struggled a little bit to get it past the final few inches. 

Getting up and dragging her bag to the door where her purse and makeup bag were already waiting, she quickly scooped them up and set them on top of her luggage before heading back in the direction of the living room to grab her shoes. She had just finished slipping her foot into her right shoe when she heard the loud sound of a drawer being slammed shut. Furrowing her eyes together, Erin turned her head in the direction of Jay’s room and called out, “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah! I’ll be right out, just trying to find my sweatshirt!” Jay shouted back almost instantly. Not finding any hints in his tone that he was lying, Erin proceeded to grab Jay’s truck keys off of the coffee table and complete the task that Jay had given her. 

Jay came bounding into the garage mere minutes after she had gotten settled in the passenger seat. Tossing his own bag into the back seat of his truck, he hurriedly made his way to the passenger side. 

“What the hell?” He asked, his voice filled with confusion when he saw that she had already taken up the seat that he thought was permanently meant for him when it came to driving with Erin. 

“Your cabin, you drive,” Erin simply said as she gently threw the keys to him. They jangled together as he fumbled them in his hands, clearly still in shock that she was letting him drive. “Just make sure that we don’t end up lost in the woods!”

“Please, I can make this drive with my shut if I wanted,” Jay commented as he slightly puffed out his chest. 

“You better not get us killed Halstead,” Erin warned as she lightly shoved him out of the door frame. His laughter was audible even after she pulled the passenger shut and he began walking to the other side of the truck. 

“Hey Er,” Jay said as he turned the keys in the ignition. Turning his head to face her, he allowed himself the time to take in the sheer beauty of her and the fact that she was here, with him, all ready to go to what is arguably one of his most favorite places in the world. 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks.” No explanation was needed; both of them knew what he was thanking her for. Not just letting him drive and going on this trip with him, but for being here in the first place when she very easily could have stayed in New York. Even more than that, but for coming to his defense and saying the words he knew that he was never going to be able to bring himself to say and for saying the words she once never would have dared to confess to him. 

“Always have backup, right?” Erin responded with a toothy grin. Jay’s hand reached over and clasped together with hers. He held it there briefly before pulling away with a light squeeze. Allowing it to hover over the gear shift, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“Always,” he said when he finally put the truck into reverse and backed up.


	13. Chapter 13

The cabin was almost exactly as Erin pictured it to be: small and in the middle of nowhere. 

“Looks…cozy?” Erin tried to sound as positive as she could, but she knew by the way that Jay’s shoulders sagged slightly and how he quietly turned the truck off and got out of the car without a word that she had failed. Erin let out a resigned sigh as she too got out of the truck. She was trying, he had to know that—he did know that. But, it was just not in her nature to feel at home in, well, nature. 

While Jay busied himself with collecting up the bags of groceries that they had picked up at the little country store some twenty minutes down the road in the small little town that Erin suspected to be the only town for miles, she leaned against the side of his truck and studied the space that they would be inhabiting for the next five days. 

Size and location aside, Erin had to admit that there was a certain beauty to the area. Picturesque, she’d dare to say. The cabin itself was nothing spectacular. It looked to be a basic, two-floor home with four visible windows on the side she was looking at, three on the top floor that were cloistered together where she suspected the bedrooms to be and one medium sized one on the first floor that she could tell by the outline of a sink faucet was most likely the kitchen area. There was a typical front door on the opposite end of the wall and a newer looking set of wooden steps leading up to both it and the miniature front porch that, by size alone, she knew was not meant for socializing. 

Scattered all around the base frame of the home were a plethora of brightly colored flowers that, Erin was surprised to see, looked as if they were well-kept. The property was sectioned off by an outline of tall trees that thankfully did not hide the striking sunset that was currently taking place. The cabin was small enough that she was able to get a pretty good glimpse of the lake it had been placed on all those years ago and Erin was admittedly stunned by the beauty of it all. 

Just as she was about to concede that perhaps Jay was right, this place was more than just a cabin in the woods on a lake, Erin gasped in pain at the sharp pinch that abruptly tore into her mesmerized state. 

“Ow, God damnit!” Erin screeched as she slapped the affected area. 

“Mosquitos like birds, remember?” Jay commented as he came around from the back of the parked vehicle, arms laden down with grocery bags. “If I bring the food in, do you mind carrying our bags?” Grumbling under her breath about hating the outdoors and the creatures that inhabited it at a level only she would be able to hear, Erin agreed and set out to complete the task he had requested her to do. 

When she finally stepped inside the cabin, the first thing Erin noticed was that her initial, half-assed assessment of the cabin had actually been correct. Looking around at the quaint space, filled with little tchotchke items and framed pictures of Jay’s family over the course of what looked like to be at least fifty or so years, all Erin could think of was that it had this cozy—no, homey—feel to it. This was very clearly a place meant for a family to come and enjoy their time spent together. There was no set style to the interior decorations and if she did have to give it a theme, the only one that felt plausible was that it was very familial. Without even having to ask questions, she could just tell that every little thing in the home had some type of memory attached to it and the sole purpose of its placement was to acknowledge and preserve a certain moment in time. 

Giddiness filled Erin up at this thought; she was more than excited for Jay to fill her in on all of the little, intricate details of each of the stories each decoration and picture held. 

“Well,” Jay exhaled as he came out of the kitchen area and into the main living room space that took up a majority of the first floor. “This is my grandfather’s cabin. What do you think?” Erin picked up on the hint of trepidation in his tone, as if he a part of him was petrified that she was going to declare that she hated it and demand that he take her back to Chicago. 

Wanting to make him sweat a little bit longer, Erin scanned the spacious area again, this time paying more attention to its features as opposed to its decorations. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the large and wide glass sliding door that covered up a majority of the wall across from her. With no curtains shielding the outside view, Erin could very clearly see the new deck that Jay claimed he built after Terry’s death and, beyond that, a breathtaking view of the lake. The answer to Jay’s question was delayed on her tongue as she took in how the sun’s orangey reflection danced across the eerily still water. 

“Er?” Jay’s voice snapped her back to reality. Turning around to face him, Erin let the huge smile on her face give him all the answers that he needed. 

Despite all of her complaining, snarky remarks, and grumblings, she loved the little cabin that was the source of so many of his best childhood memories. 

“That view, I’ve never really seen anything like it,” Erin admitted as she watched Jay make his way closer to where she was standing. Pulling her into a loose hug, Jay began gushing. “If you think it’s great from here, wait until you see it from the master bedroom. And, I swear, one of these mornings I am hauling your lazy ass out of bed so that we can watch the sunrise from the boat. I promise you, it will be the best experience and totally worth waking up early for.” 

Erin relished in how he excitedly rambled on. They had only been here for no more than ten minutes and she could already see a change in his personality. Jay seemed so much more…lighter and happier than he had been the past few times that she had seen him. It almost reminded her of how he was in the early days of their partnership, well before the feelings had begun to kick in and they were nothing more than friends who were more than comfortable with each other. He had been so carefree and sure of himself back then, back before life decided to screw him over and over again. 

She decided then and there that they would come up here at least once a year so that she had the chance to see him this way because, she was ashamed to realize, she did not know how much she missed him acting this way until now. 

“Ha, you’re gonna owe me big time if you think I am waking up early enough to get on a boat and watch the sun rise,” Erin scoffed, tipping her head up into the crook of his neck and leaving a trail of light, feathery kisses along the underside of his scruffy jaw. She shamelessly let out a few girlish giggles at the prickly feelings his semi-beard left on her face. 

“Whatever you want,” Jay agreed, his tone firm and determined. He was prepared to do anything to get her to experience one of his favorite things in the world with him. Especially if…. ‘No,’ he thought with a miniscule shake of his head that he knew went unnoticed by Erin as she was already pulling away from him and turning back to face the sliding doors and the landscape they allowed her to see. ‘Too soon for that,’ he resolutely told his mind. 

Shaking his head once more, he walked over towards the small speaker system that was set up above the fireplace built into the wall on the side of the room. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he reached up and connected it into the home base. Once he selected one of the many playlists he had created over the years to specifically be played while he was staying at the cabin, Jay pressed ‘shuffle play’ and immediately regretted it. 

Clearly not remembering just how loud the system had been set during the last time he was here, the opening riff to Stevie Nicks’ iconic “Edge of Seventeen” blasted so loudly from the speakers that the pictures hung on the wooden walls had begun to shake. 

“Holy shit! Turn that down!” Erin screamed as she clamped her hands over her ears. Completely embarrassed, Jay’s fingers fumbled with the volume dial until they were able to settle on a level that shifted the song to nothing more than background music. 

“Sorry,” Jay said sheepishly as he self-consciously rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I must have forgotten to reset the volume when I was last here.” 

“Why did you have it so loud? And why are you turning it on at all?” Erin inquired, rubbing her ears slowly. 

“What, you don’t like Stevie Nicks?” Jay asked, his tone feigning an exaggerated shock and admonishment. 

Noting that Jay didn’t answer either of her questions, Erin chose not to press them and instead commented, “I didn’t say I didn’t like her. But, I am surprised you do.”

Jay blushed and gave a small shrug. “My mom was a big Fleetwood Mac fan, so I grew up listening to them all the time. Plus, Allie loved Stevie and went through these phases where she would only listen to her for months straight. So, by default, I became a fan.” 

“Interesting…” Erin said as she wondered if she should ask the question that blossomed in her mind at his words. She knew all about the relationship that he had had and still has with Allie Corson. But, something about hearing her name, while they were in his grandfather’s cabin, made Erin want to flinch. How many times had he brought her up here? Did Allie come willingly or put up a fight and give him grief like she did? How many girls had he brought here period? Did he wish that things worked out between him and Allie, a girl who Erin was the first to admit could give him much more than she would ever be able to? 

Jay watched as Erin fought an internal battle with herself and was torn over whether or not he should intervene and demand to know what the fight was about or if he should divert her attention to something else. Knowing no good ever came from trying to push Erin to talk about her feelings and what went on in the deepest parts of her mind, Jay chose the latter. 

“Anyway, the music was loud because the last time I was playing it, I was working on the deck and wanted to be able to hear it over all of the hammering in stuff,” Jay began. A lump began to form in his throat as he thought over what to say in regards to why the music had been turned on at all. ‘No secrets,” a voice in the back of his head reminded him. After a small cough to clear his throat, Jay continued. “And, uh, force of habit had me turning it on at all. It just gets too quiet up here sometimes and, uh, I don’t like the silence. I don’t like the places my mind goes in the silence.” 

Erin nodded her head in understanding, a part of her feeling stupid for not considering this to be the answer to her questions. 

“I can turn it off if you want? Sorry, I should have asked first instead of acting without thinking,” Jay offered with an awkward laugh that Erin took as his way to try and minimize the gravity of his words. No questions were needed to know where his mind went in the silence; if what she knew about his past and if his most recent night in New York was any indication, the location was nowhere good. 

“It’s cool, I actually kind of like the music, adds to the whole aesthetic,” Erin said, waving his offer aside. “Are we going to be listening to Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks all weekend?” She made sure that the question sounded like a joke as to not offend him and his musical tastes if the answer to the question was indeed yes. It wasn’t until this moment that Erin realized she really had no idea what kind of music Jay actually liked and the thought both angered and saddened her. For as close as they had been and are now, how could she not even know what kind of music he liked? He knew her favorite singers and bands. 

‘Not from you telling him though,’ a rush of memories reminded her. Jay had found out all he needed to know about her musical tastes just by looking at the signed posters she had proudly displayed on the wall of their home and because, as the primary driver, she had always been in control of the radio. 

“Nah, I have about a twenty different cabin approved playlists. Come see,” Jay informed, using hand gestures to call her over. “This one is pretty much all basic, classic-rock songs. I have a playlist dedicated solely to Bruce Springsteen—” “Rightfully so!” “—An oldies playlist that is mostly Elvis and Frank Sinatra, a hard rock playlist, a punk rock playlist, a 90s grunge playlist, both a 70s and 80s music only playlist, old school hip hop playlist, and of course, all of my country playlists.” 

“So rock and country are your favorites then?” Erin was ashamed to even ask, but she desperately wanted to know. 

“I guess, yeah. It’s what I listen to the most, but I’m not too picky. I’ll pretty much listen to whatever. Believe it or not, I even have an Irish music playlist ready to go should we so desire to hear some tunes from the homeland.” 

“I have no doubt in my mind that you do,” Erin laughed. “How about we stick to the classic rock and country though?” 

“Not in the mood to hear the riveting tale that is “Finnegan’s Wake”?” Jay joked, reaching his hand out and poking her playfully in her side. 

“I will leave!” Erin’s threat was weak and Jay knew better to even entertain it.

“Country and classic rock it is,” Jay confirmed. “Now, how about we grab our stuff and I show you the rest of the place.” Erin agreed and once they each had their bags in hand, Jay draped his free arm loosely over his girl’s shoulders and led her upstairs to the second floor of the cabin. 

Erin was thankful for the slow pace they climbed the stairs in because it provided her with an ample opportunity to look at each of the pictures hanging up on the wall alongside the staircase. She noticed that most were of who she assumed to be Jay’s grandparents. However, mixed in pictures of the now deceased couple’s wedding, vacation, and family photos, there were a few of them with their grandchildren. Erin knew that both of Jay’s parents came from rather large families, but she was surprised to see that it looked like only Jay, Will, and two other children were the main subjects in each of the pictures. 

“Will looks exactly the same,” Erin observed, halting in front of a picture that was hung at eye level when they were halfway up the stairs. The picture in question was of, presumably, Jay’s grandfather, Will, Jay (who was holding an exceptionally large fish on a hook), and an unidentified boy sitting on the dock. Will and Jay looked no more than ten and eight respectfully and the other boy must have been around Jay’s age, give or take a year or two. Will’s hair was a dead giveaway to which boy was him and Erin knew that Jay would be mortified to know that she easily picked him out as well by the obscene amount of freckles that covered his skin. One of the first things that she had learned about him was that his freckles were a sore spot for him and that he made sure to thank whichever higher power allowed them to lighten up and become less noticeable over the years every day. 

“Yeah,” Jay agreed as he too stopped to look at the picture that had captured her interest. “You haven’t met him, but the other kid in the picture, my cousin Sean, looks exactly the same too.” 

“He wasn’t at your father’s funeral?” Erin asked, even though she already knew the answer: none of Jay’s cousins had come to the funeral. 

“Nah, he’s my maternal cousin. This was my mom’s parent’s place. That’s why she always took Will and I here when we were younger.” Jay explained.

“Do you have a lot of cousins on your mom’s side?” 

“Just Sean and his sister Abby. Mom and Uncle Mark were the only two out of the five kids to have a family. My aunt Millie got married but she and her husband couldn’t have kids and Aunt Jackie and Uncle Bobby never got married. Jackie had too many health problems and Bobby was a pig who preferred to sleep with everyone that he could instead of being tied down to one woman.” Jay scoffed at the thought of Uncle Bobby and allowed himself a moment of gratitude that he and his mom’s oldest brother lost touch immediately following her funeral. 

It was honestly sad, Jay allowed himself think. Family was so important to him, yet he barely had anything to do with his remaining family members. 

“You look so thrilled to be holding that fish,” Erin commented, turning her attention back to the photo after she digested the brief familial breakdown he had provided. 

Jay chuckled at her comment. It was a spot on observation. “We had been sitting on that dock for maybe four hours. Gramps wouldn’t let us leave until at least one of us caught a fish. I remember him yelling at Will and Sean so many times because they kept complaining and trying to sneak away.” More soft chuckles fell from his mouth at the memory of his grandfather scolding Will and Sean. “Finally, just after Nana came down and yelled at him to let us come up and eat, I got this tug on my line and had to fight like hell to bring it in because the fish was so big and way stronger than anything I had ever caught before. It was the biggest fish we caught all summer!”

The obvious pride that he spoke with was so endearing to Erin. 

“Come on,” Jay beckoned Erin to resume their trip up the stairs. “It’s been a long day and honestly, I just want to show you the rest of the place and then go to bed.” At the mention of going to bed, Erin was hit with a powerful wave of sleepiness. 

“Bed now. We can see the rest of the place in the morning,” she demanded, suddenly wanting nothing more than to drop onto a mattress and stay there for an indefinite amount of time. Who knew driving for almost five and a half hours would be so tiring? And she wasn’t even the one driving!

Jay was unable to disagree with her order and simply led the way the way to where the master bedroom was located. 

Stepping into the room as Jay held the bedroom door open for her, Erin experienced a miniature moment of awe when she saw the large bay window framed a perfect view of the backyard and lake. With the sun nearly down, Erin was unable to make out much of the yard, but from what she was able to see, it seemed much more voluminous than she imagined it would be. 

“Window is great right?” Jay asked as he dropped his bag on the wooden bench at the end of the bed. He reached over and took Erin’s bags from her and placed it next to his own while she continued to survey the room. 

“I bet you’re right, the view of the sunsets look like they’re amazing from here,” Erin said, placing a specific emphasis on the word sunset. 

“And sunrises,” Jay promptly replied as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. Erin “hmphed” in response, her attention captured by the motion of him pulling his sweats down and kicking them off once the material pooled around his ankles. Dusk’s final moments cast a shadowed look over her man that both hid and heightened his remarkable physique all at the same time. Her stare was obvious but instead of being embarrassed at him catching it, all Erin was able to think of was how, if she wasn’t so tired, all she wanted to do was use all of the strength that she possessed and knock him back onto the bed and have her way with him. But, that was just going to have to wait because she was exhausted and the dim light seemed to darken and widen the circles that had formed under Jay’s beautiful blue eyes. 

Circles that functioned as a reminder to Erin why they had even come to the cabin in the first place. 

“The last thing we need is to be up at sunrise,” Erin stated as she too began to free her body from the clothing it was dressed in. Her actions prompted Jay’s turn to obviously ogle at her body and how gorgeous it was in its natural state. Just as the twilight emphasized his looks to Erin, it cast a sultry lowlight over her that too made Jay wish he was not feeling so exhausted. 

“Do you have a t-shirt that I can borrow?” Erin asked, pulling Jay out of all of the images his mind was procuring at the sight of her practically naked body (the only thing that prevented it from being so was the skimpy piece of mixed cotton and lace underwear she had on). 

“Don’t you have your own pajamas?” Jay pretended to groan and seem bothered by her question. 

Rolling her eyes, Erin just held out her hand and began to tap her foot impatiently. Jay knew by the way that her right eyebrow was quirked upwards that she was not kidding around and just wanted the requested article of clothing so that she could go to bed. So, he began to dig through his duffle bag and tossed her the first shirt he was able to get his hands on: a beat up, gray Army shirt that had one too many holes in it to be deemed acceptable by even the lowest of society’s standards. 

“Why did you bring this old thing?” Erin questioned after she pulled the soft yet coarse fabric over her head. Due to her lack of height that put Jay almost a whole foot taller than her, the shirt hung loosely on her and fell just above her knees—the perfect sleep shirt. 

“I always bring it here,” Jay answered. “It’s my go-to work shirt because it’s already so beat up, I don’t really care what happens to it.” He waited for Erin to get into the bed before he joined her, wanting to give her the chance to pick out which side of the bed that she wanted to sleep on. Not that it mattered much; at the first chance they got, their bodies would become entwined together. 

Once her side was selected and noting that it was on the side of the window, Jay went over to pull the curtains together so that the sunlight wouldn’t be a bother in the morning and wake her up hours earlier than she wanted to be woken at.

The second Jay’s body did collapse onto the bed, Erin curled her own towards it and the two laid on top of the quilted bedspread, one of Jay’s arms secured around her shoulders and the other around her waist. No words were spoken between the two as they allowed themselves to be lulled into the early trappings of a deep slumber by the soft volume of the music playing from Jay’s phone downstairs and the sounds of the nighttime creatures outside. 

Just as Erin’s eyes were about to flutter shut for good, her body acclimated to the to the unfamiliar bed and lack of central air running throughout the cabin, Jay dared to utter four words that she was unable to ignore.

“My dad is dead.” 

Tilting her head slightly upwards, she was just able to make out in the dark that Jay’s eyes were open and staring upwards at the ceiling fan, intently watching in the dark as it swirled at a rapid pace to maintain a somewhat cool and comfortable air in the room. 

“Yeah, he is,” Erin whispered as she trailed a single finger over the exposed skin of his chest down to just below his body’s naval. 

“He’s dead and I don’t even care anymore. Is that fucked up?” Erin was too tired to be having this conversation and she knew without a doubt that the only reason Jay even dared to bring this up now was because he was too emotionally and mentally exhausted himself to hold the words back.

Which was why she just kept her mouth shut and let him continue talking. 

“I just wished he showed that he cared just once, then maybe that would make this all…different? Better? Worse? I don’t even know.” Jay sighed and moved the hand on her shoulder higher up so that it was able to rub her scalp and stroke through her hair freely. “I hope you always keep your hair this long,” he mumbled. 

“Okay,” Erin dared to breath out, scared that the sound of her voice would stop his own. Even in her sleepy state, she identified Jay’s need to get these thoughts that clearly have been following him around out of his head and into the world. 

“Now he’s dead and I will never know,” Jay resumed his earlier train of thought. “And I think that’s what I can definitively say I hate the most about him…that he left before he could give me the answers to all of my questions.” 

When a little more than a minute passed with Jay saying nothing, Erin forced herself to pull away from him slightly and prop herself up with her arm so that she was hovering above him. Her hair draped over her shoulder and lightly grazed his cheek and she made sure that her eyes were firmly locked on his own before saying, “Sometimes, not knowing might be better than knowing.” Her mind was unfortunately reminded of when she had unwillingly found out that the man she grew up believing to be her father was not and how painfully wounded she had been at the news. 

Jay remained silent and Erin took his silence as an indicator that the conversation was over. He had said his piece and that was that, he was done worrying about it…for now at least. 

Bending downwards and pressing a chaste kiss on his lips, Erin did not give Jay the chance to react to her lips on his own, pulling away and settling back down into his side before he could. 

“I like this song,” Erin muttered after a few more moments of silence. Jay’s ears immediately tuned into the faint sounds of Steven Tyler’s voice singing the opening verse to the hit “Dream On.” 

“The past is gone, it went by, like dusk to dawn. Isn’t that the way? Everybody’s got the dues in life to pay.”

Jay breathed in and out slowly as he let the lyrics seep into his brain. ‘Maybe Steven Tyler’s coke-addled brain was onto something,’ Jay thought. His father was now a figure of his past who seemed to have come and gone so quickly that Jay felt it was both cruel and a relief. And now, his own personal due was having to live with those feelings and the burden of the unanswered questions. 

“I love you,” Jay said, his words perfectly articulated. There was no doubt in his feelings and the truth that Erin was his future. Despite the burdens of his past that afflicted him, Jay knew without a doubt that he would shoulder them for as long as necessary if it meant that he got to keep her by his side. Jay didn’t want to think about his father anymore. What use was it to think about a dead man anyway when he had a smart and beautiful woman who loved him unconditionally laying in his own t-shirt against his practically bare body? 

“Love you too.” Erin’s words were clouded with drowsiness and Jay barely felt her lips press softly against his chest. Her words took reign over his mind and quenched every negative thought running through it, allowing his eyes to flutter shut as he fell asleep to the unobtrusive sounds of the legendary rock band. 

//

When Jay woke up the next morning, Erin was still sound asleep, her body fully draped over his own. A slight crane of his neck told Jay that it would most likely be at least three or four hours since she’d wake—too long for him to just lay still and watch her sleep without it feeling creepy. That thought, combined with the itching desire to head down to the dock and try his luck with a fishing pole, had Jay carefully maneuvering his body out from under her own and setting up as many pillows that he could grab around her body so that his own lacking presence would not wake her up. He chuckled silently as he watched Erin’s body react to the pillows instantly, both her arms and legs latching onto the white cloth covered items and pulling them into her tightly. 

Trying not to linger to long on the view of her butt his bunched up shirt was providing him with, Jay deviously smirked when his eyes fell on her face and noticed that her mouth was wide open with little droplets of drool dripping down the sides of it. The image was a testament of just how tired she must have been because very rarely did this image of sleep become her. Quickly, before he was able to change his mind, Jay reached over, grabbed his phone, and snapped a picture to save for a later date. 

Very rarely did anyone get the chance to hold some type of blackmail over Erin Lindsay, so when the opportunity presented itself, one would be a fool to let it pass. 

Feeling uncharacteristically victorious, Jay dressed himself in the sweats and t-shirt that he had on the day before and padded as quietly as he could out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the first floor. 

Stopping quickly to change the playlist he had turned on the day before to a country one, Jay made his way out of the cabin and onto the deck that he had built a few years ago. Leaning against the railing, Jay stretched his back out while taking in the view before him. 

The sun was halfway hung in the sky and an early morning dew had settled onto the green grass and bright flowers that surrounded the cabin. His eyes watched as the sun’s rays danced on the calm lake water for a few moments before he found the image to be too tempting to watch from afar. 

Taking a minor detour to the small shed on the side of the cabin that housed all of the fishing and swimming gear, Jay half jogged, half walked to the edge of the dock that jutted out some thirty feet into the water. The bare soles of his feet left wet footprints on the wooden boards. Once at the dock’s edge, Jay set the pole and array of lures down, rolled his sweats up to his knees, and sat down. The water was surprisingly warm for this time of year, but Jay was not complaining because that meant he had a better chance of convincing Erin to go for a swim or two with him. As his feet swayed back and forth in the water that reached up to his shins, Jay tied a lure to the fishing pole’s line and then cast it out. 

The next two hours or so found Jay casting out his line and lazily reeling it back in, catching nothing but a single, small fish and a whole lot of muck. He didn’t care though; the act in and of itself was enough to keep him content as he waited for the clock to strike an hour that Erin deemed acceptable enough to be awake at. 

Pulling some weeds off of the line and sending it flying outwards again, Jay thought about how strange it was going to be having her here with him. Sure, it was something that he had been dreaming of from the moment that they had first started hooking up all those years ago, but since he came back to Chicago for good, the only time he ever was able to get up here was to decompress and get his shit together once things in his life got to be too unbearable for him to withstand. 

This was going to be the first time in a really long time that he had come here at someone else’s discretion and with the purpose of making good memories on a nice little getaway together. The thought was both foreign and comforting to him—a true sign that he was evolving as a person and his life was on an upwards track. Yes, his father had died, but so had many other people that he cared much more for. Life went on with their passing and it was sure as hell going to go on with the passing of Patrick Halstead. Jay meant what he thought last night: he was done dwelling on it and the repercussions it had on his mind. Maybe it was nearly dying himself that sped up the grieving process, but Jay was ready to put it all behind him and focus on this week that he had with Erin. 

And whether or not he wanted to give any more thought to the little red box that he stuffed into his packed duffle at the very last minute. 

Even now, Jay truly did not know what possessed him to go into his top drawer and dig it out of the old pair of socks that he had been hiding it in so that he would not have to see it. But, something about the way that Erin so tearfully cried out how scared she was over almost losing him prompted Jay to think that it was a good idea to pack the box that contained his mother’s ring. 

Maybe it was the fact that her words told him more than her fears; they confirmed just how serious she was on living out the rest of her life with him. Or, maybe it was the way that those words emphasized and gave meaning to the small glimpse of his life flashing before his eyes that he saw while laying besides Mendoza on the side of the road. Or, maybe it was the way that his rash actions of pulling the box containing the ring out of its hiding spot and shoving it deep into his bag were justified at the obvious interest Erin was showing in his life. Coming to Chicago to be with him following his dad’s passing, requesting that they spend their time here instead of locked away in his apartment, asking questions about his past and his family, wanting to know all of the little details about his life like the kind of music he listened to…Jay did not need to be a super genius to know that this was her way of showing him that she was committed to him and their relationship. 

Whatever the reasoning, all Jay knew was that once again, his mind was consumed with thoughts of wanting to ask Erin to be his wife and seeing her wear his mother’s ring on her finger. 

His only hesitation was what if it was too soon? What if the ring scared her off? Were they even ready for this? 

Jay knew now that neither of them were ready for him to propose the last time he considered doing so. He was going to get down on one knee for the sole purpose of getting her back. The timing back then was so wrong and Jay knew now that he would have been presenting her with the ring for all of the wrong reasons. 

Now, he felt like he had the right reasons but was it the right time? It had only been seven months since they had gotten back together and out of those seven months, they spent no more than thirty days together. Was it okay to count the nearly two years they had dated prior to her leaving Chicago? Or, in the spirit of moving on from the past, was that consideration strictly off limits?

‘Only time will tell,’ he decided as he felt a slight tug on the fishing line. So engrossed in his ongoing battle with whatever got caught on his hook, Jay did not hear the light footfalls approaching him. 

“Did you catch something?” Not expecting anyone to come up behind him, Jay was startled at the sound of Erin’s voice. Jumping slightly, his concentration was broken just long enough to allow the fish he was trying to reel in get away with a tug so strong that it snapped the line. 

“Almost,” Jay said grimly as he pulled the broken piece of string close to his face to inspect the damage done. 

“Sorry,” Erin apologized sheepishly as she sat down on the dock next to him. Jay was amused by the sight of her feet dangling over the water, her legs too short for them to be fully submerged like his own feet. 

Jay waved her apology off after setting the pole down beside him. “Don’t worry about it. I was going to toss him back anyway.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as she fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt. Unlike him, he noticed that she did not chose to change into something other than her sleepwear before coming outside. The sight made him glad that he chose to put on sweatpants instead of jeans. 

“How long have you been out here?” Erin asked as she swiped a loose strand of hair that had fallen out of her messy bun back against her ear. 

Jay scrunched his eyebrows together as he tried to figure out the answer to her question. The thing about the lake was that it possessed some magical ability to make all time slow down to a point that it practically stopped. “Uh…what time is it?” 

“A little after 8:30,” she answered. 

“Then about three hours,” Jay confirmed. 

“Jesus Jay!” She exclaimed, pulling her legs up onto the dock and turning her body to fully face his own. “That’s so early!” 

Jay merely shrugged. “I like to get up early when I come here. Fish, see the sunrise, sometimes I go for a run.” 

“You’re crazy,” Erin ridiculed lightly.

“But you love me anyway?” He turned his head towards her, his face splitting into a goofy smile as he did so. Erin’s morphed her face into a stone cold expression and pretended to think about the answer. 

After a few seconds of silence went by, her face too split into a goofy grin. “Enough to do this!” She exclaimed. Confusion filled Jay up, blocking whatever part of his mind that was capable of processing his girl’s movements and what they were intending. The next thing he knew, his body was hitting the water with a loud splash. 

Sputtering and spitting out water when he came up for air, Jay heard Erin’s loud guffaws as she watched the result of her actions play out. Once he felt that he was able to breathe properly again, Jay gingerly hauled himself up onto the dock—he still had to be mindful of his gunshot wound—and scooped her body up against his own wet one before she had the chance to run away. 

Then, with a smirk that probably beat out the devil’s, Jay took a few steps backwards before bounding up the length he had left in front of him. The whole time a mixture of screams and laughter fell from Erin’s mouth. 

“Incoming!” He yelled as he pushed his body as far out as he could, making sure to tighten his grip on Erin and bend his legs and tuck them as high up as he could so that they would not get too tangled together once their bodies hit the water. 

Despite Jay’s best efforts, their limbs became tangled together the minute they hit the water and it took longer than either of them would have liked to surface above the water. 

Erin struggled to tread the water because her body had been overcome by a coughing fit while she fought to get all of the water she inhaled upon impact out of her system. 

“I…cough….actually…cough…hate…cough…you…cough, cough, cough…right now!” 

“Nah, you love me,” Jay corrected as he waded slowly towards her. 

“No, I really don’t think I do,” Erin responded, her voice raspier than usual from all of the coughing. 

Jay rolled his eyes at her words. Using one of his arms to latch onto the dock for stability, he reached out his other, wrapped it around her body, and pulled Erin towards him so that she was barely an inch away from his body. Once she was close to him, Erin gave up all on all of her efforts to tread above water, instead choosing to cling to the soaking wet fabric of his t-shirt with her hands and hooking her legs around his waist. 

“You love me,” Jay repeated once he felt she was secured against him. He bent his head forward and crooned against her lips, “And I love you,” before connecting his own to hers. 

The two of them made out like a couple of teenagers for an unspecified amount of time before Erin regretfully pulled away. Looking up at Jay with a wicked gleam in her eye, she asked, “Can anyone see us?” 

Catching on to what she was insinuating, Jay vehemently shook his head and pulled his hand away from the dock and pointed to his right. “Nearest neighbor is about a mile down that way. And the lake is too wide for the people across from us to make out anything,” he informed her. 

“Good,” was all Erin said before nimbly maneuvering her fingers downwards so that they would come into contact with the hem of his shirt. When they reached their destination, she wasted no time in peeling the shirt up his body and over his head. As soon as the material was tossed onto the dock, Erin hoisted herself up Jay’s body and captured his lips once more with her own. 

// 

“If you tell me that was a one-time thing, I swear I’m going to toss your ass back into the lake,” Jay panted as he rolled onto his back. Erin, who curled into his side, laughed heartily against his chest. The two had chosen to conclude their morning romp on the dock, deeming the sturdy wood a much more practical and comfortable location than the water that Erin was unable to keep herself afloat in. 

“You never told me the lake could be so fun,” Erin teased. Jay rolled his eyes at her words as he sat up, pulling her up with him. 

“I tried, you just never listened,” he pointed out. 

“I promise that I won’t make that mistake again,” Erin vowed. Jay simply nodded his head, eyes focused not on her but the view in front of him. The water was rippling from the current and every now and then, little splashes made from the fish below made an abrupt appearance in the otherwise steady and calm upstream movements. 

The two stayed on the dock, basking in the sunlight and the view until the loud rumbling of Erin’s stomach informed them that it was time to head back into the cabin and get ready for the day. 

“Come on, I’ll make breakfast,” Jay said, standing up and collecting the pile of their now damp clothes. Erin smiled gratefully as she reached out and latched her hand in his. 

“Pancakes?” She requested; she loved when Jay made pancakes. Though, the reminder of how much she loved them brought her back seven months earlier when he had made them for her the first time he showed up in New York—back when he was a mere shell of the man he was now. 

“Whatever you want,” Jay assured, his mind too going back to the breakfast that initiated the start of their reconciliation. How far they had come…

“Good answer,” Erin said smartly with a smile. 

Upon reaching the cabin, Erin detoured away from Jay and headed upstairs to take a shower and get dressed. Jay was halfway to the kitchen when he decided that maybe he should get dressed before he set about making their breakfast and hurried upstairs to join her in the shower. 

A quick washing up and another round of lovemaking later, Jay headed back downstairs dressed in a pair of jeans and one of his typical short sleeve v-neck t-shirts. Knowing that Erin would be down shortly, he quickly whipped up the batter for their breakfast and began making as many pancakes as it would allow. 

He was just flipping the first batch over in the pan when Erin came bounding down the stairs, her hair slightly damp flying out behind her. Unsure of what they would be doing during the day, he cautiously dressed herself in a pair of leggings and a loose heather-grey shirt that she not so regretfully paid too much money for. 

Seeing that Jay was still cooking, she headed over to sit on the couch that would give her a perfect view of what he was doing in the kitchen. The sight of him being so domestic, flipping pancakes with such a ease and flopping them down onto the two plates beside him warmed Erin in a way that she was unable to explain. In just two short months, this was what her mornings would look like every morning, a thought that still put her in a state of awe. No way would she ever have imagined that this was how her life was going to end up, with a man like Jay by her side giving her more love than she quite frankly thought she deserved. For the first time in her life, she could see a true future for herself that she was both proud of and excited for and the next two months couldn’t get here quick enough because she wanted to live in it now. 

“You know what I am most excited for about coming back to Chicago?” She asked after watching Jay scoop two more pancakes onto their plates and pouring the remainder of the batter into the pan on the stove.

“What?” Jay didn’t turn around, but Erin could hear the smile in his voice, almost as if he knew what she was about to say. 

“Having a full-time house husband again.” Both of them laughed at her comment, remembering all of the times that he complained about feeling like the very title he had given himself. 

Once their laughter was subdued, Jay’s mind inadvertently keyed in on the word ‘husband’. Was it fate that just this morning he was thinking about what it would be like to ask her to be his wife and now she was back to referring to him as a husband. Well, a house husband, but still…his mind just didn’t want to separate the two. Which was why he found himself blurting out, “What if I was your actual husband? And not just a house husband?”

The moment the words spilled from his mouth, Jay wished more than anything that he could take them back, especially when Erin didn’t respond.

“Are-are you proposing?” Erin finally stuttered out, too stunned to say much else. 

“N-no, not at all!” Jay hurriedly backtracked. “I, I don’t know, I just thought…actually, I don’t even know what I was thinking.” The words sounded lame and pathetic but Jay didn’t know what else to say. A part of him—the part that packed the ring—wanted to say that, yes, this was a very poorly put together proposal. But, the other part, the more rational part of his mind, prevented him from doing so. ‘Erin deserves much more than spur of the moment comment,’ it said. 

Erin sat quietly, her body rigid as she mulled over his words. Yes, she had been thinking more and more of their future together and yes, that future held images of them getting married and having children, but was she ready for it? Did she want those images to become a reality now? 

Yes! No! The two sides of her mind screamed at the same time. 

“Just forget I said anything at all,” Jay mumbled as he dropped the last of the pancakes on each of their plates. It wasn’t until well after that he brought her plate over to her and the two were a good portion of the way into their breakfast when Erin finally spoke up. 

“I’ve been thinking about it, you know? Us getting married, me being your wife.” The words sounded weak, but Jay clung to them like they were his lifeline, his heart pounding. 

“Yeah?” The word was muffled because he chose that exact moment to shove the final few bites of his breakfast into his mouth. 

“I don’t think I’d mind it.” Jay couldn’t help but snort at her words. 

“I don’t think I’d mind having you as my wife either Er,” Jay said humorously. “In fact, the minute we determine we’re ready, I’d take you to the nearest city hall to make it official as quickly as I could.” 

“You don’t want a wedding?” Erin inquired, peering over at him with a look of genuine curiosity on her face. 

Jay shrugged. “You know me, I’m a function over form kind of guy. I don’t care what we do as long as at the end of the day we end up married.”

“I think I’d want a wedding,” Erin thought out loud. “Nothing too crazy or big, but…” Her face flushed red as she trailed off, clearly embarrassed by what she was about to say. 

“Tell me,” Jay goaded gently, wanting to know what she was thinking in terms of their apparent future wedding. 

“I never thought that I would have this, you know? The perfect guy, a wedding? I never thought that was in my deck of cards. I saw Bunny get married to so many worthless men. My whole childhood was filled with nothing but toxic love and sex and pain. And it wasn’t until you that I…that I started to see that I could have the kind of relationship that I thought was meant just for books and movies.” Erin paused to collect her thoughts before continuing. 

“When I was a kid, Bunny rarely ever paid the bills so the chances that we got to watch TV were slim. Luckily, one of her friends who was relatively sober most of the time gifted us with a VCR and a couple movies. Nothing too crazy, mostly adult stuff for Bunny, but she did make sure that there was one for me.” Erin let out a soft chuckle at the memory. “It was Cinderella and I watched it to death. I swear, I could probably quote the whole damn movie right now for you that’s how much I watched it.”

“That’s something I’d love to see,” Jay commented softly while reaching over and placing a hand on the upper part of her thigh. Erin allowed herself a moment to simply enjoy the comforting feeling of his thumb running back and forth lightly before she finished her story. 

“It sounds stupid now, but six, seven, eight year old me felt that I could relate so much to Cinderella, you know? She was left with all of this responsibility to take care of the house and her family and she lived such a shitty life but at the end of the day, she got a beautiful dress and a happy ending with a nice guy. And as a kid, I wanted that so badly. But, of course, life got in the way and for the longest time, the whole thing just seemed so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid Erin, not at all,” Jay stated firmly. Erin’s lips curved slightly upwards and she scooped another bite of pancakes onto her fork and ate them so that she could distract herself from responding.

“I want a wedding because I want to wear a dress. It’s stupid, archaic, and the feminist in me hates myself for even saying this, but Jay, being with you is giving me the happy ending I never thought that I could have as a kid. Selfishly, I want to indulge my childhood self because she never dreamed that anything like this…” Erin shook her head as she struggled to come up with the right words. “I feel like I owe it to her. After everything…I just feel like…feel like that a wedding and a wedding dress is the least I can do to honor that part of myself and all that I have had to overcome to get to this point.” 

At the conclusion of her long, drawn out explanation, Erin found herself looking anywhere but at Jay, too afraid to see what his reaction would be to her confession. Of course, Jay being Jay picked up on what she was doing and immediately removed his hand from her thigh and cupped it under her chin and turned his face towards his own. 

Once he was positive that her eyes were trained on his own and not going anywhere, Jay began speaking as clearly as he could, wanting to make sure that there was no room for interpretation with his words. “We will have a wedding and you will wear a wedding dress and be the most beautiful bride there ever was, I promise.”

Erin’s grin was wide and blinding. “Thank you,” she breathed out, tilting her head up just enough so that her lips grazed against his own. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you.”

“I could say the same about you,” Jay said, the little red box containing his mother’s ring flashing across his mind as he did so. 

“Thanks for bringing me up here,” Erin commented, the air of romance between them getting to be too much for her. “I surprisingly love it, mosquitos, your country music, and all.” 

Jay laughed heartily and pulled her into a loose side hug. Her comment clued his ears into the song that was playing. 

“She’s Sunday drive meets high speed chase. She ain’t just a song, she’s the whole mix tape. She’s so complicated, that’s the way God made her, sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.”

Jay’s laughter ceased when he realized how accurately the words in the song described his own girl. As Brad Paisley launched into the main chorus, Jay was sparked with a sudden inspiration. 

“Dance with me,” he requested. Pulling himself off of the couch, he turned to face her and held his hand out. She stared at his questionably for a long moment before asking, “For real?” 

Jay stretched his hand out further, willing her to take it. She did. 

“You really are a romantic Jay Halstead,” Erin mumbled as he pulled her into his arms and began swaying them lightly to the soft playing music. 

“Tell anyone and I’ll kill you,” Jay vowed, twirling her around in a slow spinning circle. Erin simply grinned and allowed Jay to lead her in a dance. 

“I know how to make her laugh, or blush, or mad at me. But, that’s okay, there ain’t no one more beautiful angry. And she loves just as deep as she goes when she’s down, the highs match the lows. The high match the lows, can’t have one without the other. And I love her just the way God made her.”

Jay wasn’t sure if it was the words from the song that was playing, the way Erin willingly let him take control and guide her movements, or the overwhelming feeling of contentment that he felt in this exact moment, but he felt no regret over the words that slipped from his tongue faster than he could think to stop them.

“Marry me Erin, for real, marry me.”

Erin’s eyes widened and she pulled away and stared at Jay in shock. 

“Are you serious right now? Is this an actual proposal?” She questioned, her tone a mixture of trepidation, disbelief, and, dare he say, excitement. It was that last emotion that had Jay boldly stepping forward and taking Erin’s two hands in his own. For a brief moment, he contemplated getting down on one knee, but figured that that would be too much for her. Besides, everything about this was so untraditional, why bring the knee drop into it?

“I love you so fucking much and I want you to be my wife,” he began. “And I get it, I probably should have planned this better and I know this is probably too soon or whatever other bullshit excuse someone can surely give us, but I don’t care. I’ve loved you for a long time and I promise you, I am not going to stop loving you.” Jay paused and took in the still shocked look on Erin’s face and the hint of tears in her hazel eyes. 

“Look, if this is too much and too soon, I get it, I totally do. If you want, we can just forget that I said anything at all and—”

“NO!” Erin interrupted, her voice loud and cracking. “No, I don’t, I don’t want to forget. Jay, I…are you sure? We aren’t even living together yet.”

“But we will be and we have before,” Jay quickly pointed out. “Erin, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. In fact, just wait here a sec okay?” Jay pulled his hands away from her and motioned with them that he would be right back. With one last look at her face, he noticed that her earlier reservations were slowly melting away. It was a look that sent him running as fast as he could up the stairs leading towards the master bedroom. 

Flinging the door open, he quickly spotted his duffle on the floor and scampered towards it. His hand was immediately attracted to the little red box that was tucked away at the bottom, almost as if it was a magnet. Clutching it in his hand, he bounded back downstairs where Erin was still standing in the same position that he had left her in. 

“Marry me,” he said again once he was in front of her. He popped open the box and presented her with the gold band with a single diamond set in the center. 

Erin stared at the sparkling stone for what felt like an eternity, probably an eternity and a half for Jay. He was proposing to her, he was actually proposing. He wanted her, Erin Lindsay, to be his wife, damaged parts, bad past, and all. He wanted her. It was something they had talked about before, hell, something they were just talking about, but seeing the diamond ring on display in front of her made it all that more real. Jay wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. With her…

Suddenly, she didn’t care that he was right, it probably was too soon and he probably could have asked her in a more eloquent way. She didn’t care that they had nothing figured out for when she returned to Chicago and that it would be nothing short of a miracle if her former friends celebrated their engagement. She didn’t care about anything…

She just wanted to marry him.

It was a commitment she had been terrified of in the past, a commitment that she never thought she would be able to partake in because of how fucked up her image of marriage was due to her mother’s endless string of men. 

Looking up and down between Jay and the ring he was holding out to her, Erin realized that she was no longer terrified. She was ready to make this jump into uncharted territory with the man who had quite literally become everything to her. As independent as she was, she decided then and there that she wouldn’t mind sharing a part of her life with him for the remainder of it. Which is why, with a shaking hand she reached out to take the box containing the ring from his hand and soundly said, 

“Okay.”


	14. Chapter 14

As Erin leaned her body closer to Jay’s and watched the sun’s strong, orange and red rays slowly begin to paint their colors across the calm current of the lake, she determined that not even her annoyance at the early morning time could ruin this moment for her. It was their last morning in Wisconsin and, true to his word, Jay managed to get her to rise before dawn and come out in his family’s old, barely working speedboat to see the sunrises that he so exuberantly gushed about. 

It was only semi-reluctantly that Erin relented her earlier refusals and allowed her mind to see that Jay was most definitely right—when viewed from the middle of a lake, sunrises become infinitely better and more beautiful. 

“Thank you,” Jay breathed out when the rays casted themselves over the couple, shining a light so bright on them that they struggled to keep their eyes open. Erin simply nodded her head too focused on the state of bliss that the view and the barely miniscule rocking of the boat that was in tune with the water put her in. 

Understanding that words were not coming to her (no doubt a side effect of him not allowing her to delay their outing by making a large vat of coffee), Jay shifted his body so that both of his legs were hung out on either side of her and she was safely cocooned in between them. Allowing both of his arms to settle around her midsection, he lazily placed his hands on top of her own, which were already resting gently on the lower part of her stomach that was covered by her one-size-too-big CPD crewneck. Instinctively, his fingers sought out the delicate piece of jewelry that he had presented to her four days earlier. 

The physical proof of their newfound engagement sent Jay into a plethora of emotions, which was silly in and of itself because the diamond ring on her finger didn’t really change anything. It didn’t make him love her any more or less and it didn’t solidify a sureness of her commitment to him, which, based off of what his previously engaged friends had expressed, was what an engagement ring was supposed to do. The thought of the ring on her finger just made him happy, plain and simple. There was no way for him to properly articulate the type of happy that he felt, it was just a state of being that he wanted to live in for the rest of his life. 

He was happy, genuinely happy, for the first time in a very long time. And maybe it was because she agreed to be his wife, or maybe because he even had her back at all, but the potential reasons were all just little technicalities in his mind. 

“I don’t want a long engagement,” were the first words Erin had allowed her voice to speak since Jay put the boat in neutral and allowing all control of its movements to be given to the water. She chose to voice the wish that developed since the moment Jay asked her to marry him when she noticed him twirling the ring on her finger around with his own. If life had taught Erin anything, it was that things could change and plans would cease to exist without a moment’s notice. She did not want to give the universe time to wreak havoc on hers and Jay’s future together. 

“Okay,” Jay murmured, dropping his chin onto the crest of her head. “What kind of engagement do you want?” 

Asides from their brief talk that led up to his unconventional proposal, neither Jay nor Erin had brought up any other wedding talk. They were too busy ‘celebrating’ to think about any details for a day they hadn’t even decided on yet. And when they weren’t commemorating their change in relationship status in every possible place that they could, they were engaging in all the activities lake life had to offer them: hiking, boating, a quite disastrous attempt at skiing on Erin’s part, sunbathing, swimming, grilling, and making smores that Jay swore up and down were a requirement to have each night when at the cabin. 

Their little trip had been both relaxing and busy and little time was left to make future plans, partly also due to the fact that so much of it had been spent in the past. Over the course of the last few days, Jay had become somewhat of an audio storybook. He regaled tales from his childhood in such detail Erin felt like she was actually there with his younger self. He told her of the first time he ever remembered coming to visit his grandparents at the place, the time he got so mad at Will that he pushed him into the lake and then ran away before he could get in trouble, only to come back covered in poison ivy, the time he spent here with just his grandmother after his grandfather had passed and all of the card games they had played together on the deck he had just recently restored. The night before last he kept her up until nearly two in the morning confessing to her all of the damage he self-inflicted on the family’s home immediately following his first tour since he chose to come here first to decompress before going home to Chicago. Erin ended up hearing more war stories that night than she ever thought she would have been able to stomach and was left wondering how on earth Jay managed to still find the good in so many things and wake up with a smile on his face each day. 

“Well, you probably have something to do with that,” he had whispered when she was unable to prevent herself from voicing her wonderment. 

That was maybe the only night both of them wanted to tuck away in the backs of their minds and never bring up again. She finally knew everything he would ever be able to bring himself to tell her about his time as a Ranger and that was enough for them both. For Jay, it was a relief that he would no longer have to hide a hugely significant part of his life away. For Erin, it was the confirmation that she needed that Jay truly trusted her with everything and was determined to make good on the promise he had made her all those months ago in New York. 

“Erin?” Jay squeezed her hand in an attempt to bring her attention back to the present. 

“Sorry,” Erin stuttered as her mind worked to form an answer for him. “Not long. I think I’d want to get married in the late spring or early summer. What do you think?” 

“Whatever you want babe, function over form remember? Just give me a day and a time and I promise I will be there.” His tone may have been light, but Erin knew he was being completely serious. Jay was a simple man; it didn’t take much to please him as long as he got what he wanted at the end of the day. 

“I, um, if you are totally against this then that’s fine and I have no problem with it, but I was thinking maybe getting married on June seventeenth would be nice,” she shyly confessed. “That was the day Hank and Camille got married and, I don’t know, if it wasn’t for them, this—” She pulled her hands out from under his own and gestured to the view around them and the position that they were in. “—Wouldn’t be possible. And, well, Camille was the only real mother figure I ever had and I thought maybe if we had it that day, then…then it would be like she was there. But, I totally get if you don’t agree! I mean, you lost your mom too so it’s not fair for me to fit everything around a woman who wasn’t even my real—”

“Erin! Stop! Breathe!” Jay finally interrupted her rambling when it was becoming clear to him that she needed to take a break and catch her breath back. “June seventeenth sounds perfect, I promise. And don’t worry about not acknowledging my mom, you already have her ring so she’ll be there in spirit no matter the day we choose.” 

After she fully digested his words, Erin sharply pulled away from his body and sat on the covering of the boat’s engine so that she was facing him. 

“This is your mom’s ring?” Erin questioned, holding her hand up in front of his face so that he had a clear view of the sparkling diamond. There was no anger or disgust in her voice at the knowledge that he had not actually bought her a ring, just shock and a level of reverence that sent a rush of feelings through Jay, temporarily blinding him to the realization that, in the midst of all of their celebrating and activities with one another, he had never gotten around to telling her about the origins of the diamond on her finger. 

Wiping his hand over his face, he nodded his head. “Yeah, it is,” Jay affirmed. “She left it to me and Will and said whoever found the right girl first got to have it.” 

Erin was floored by this new tidbit of information. She knew how much Jay was fond of his mother and she was quite honestly honored that he would want to even give her Katherine’s ring. 

“Towards the uh…the end, she used to tell me that my father may not have always been perfect, but being married to him was the best time of her life,” Jay continued, his voice now sounding far off and distance, clearly lost in a memory. “If it was always perfect, then it wouldn’t be real, she used to tell me. That’s why she wanted Will and I to have the ring, to remember that.” 

Erin leaned forward and gently pressed her lips to his, allowing them to linger there for a second longer than usual. “I love you and I love the ring and I can’t wait to be your wife.” 

“June seventeenth,” Jay declared. “Cannot come quick enough.”

The two of them remained on the water until the sun hung high in the sky and the water around them was no longer painted in hues of reds and oranges, but instead sparkled with the sun’s glittery rays. 

Selfishly wanting to spend as much of the dwindling time that they had left on the water, Jay did not press the boat to go more than ten miles per hour when it was decided that he should drive them back to the cabin’s dock. 

Unfortunately, the short, drawn out drive went by in the blink of an eye and the next thing Jay knew was that Erin was filming him on her phone as he struggled to dock the boat. One, two, three tries went by before he managed to get close enough to reach over to the wooden structure and grab the rope needed to secure the boat so that it would not float away. 

“See, now that is why I don’t let you drive,” she quipped, unable to contain her laughter any longer.

“I’d like to see you try and do that,” Jay snapped. 

“Next time I will and I promise you will remember this moment,” she declared, tilting her chin up with an air of arrogance that Jay knew was nothing more than an act to further get under his skin. He didn’t buy into it though. Instead, he chose to only latch onto the first part of what she had said. 

“Next time, huh?” 

Erin tucked her phone into the waistband of her leggings and looked at Jay shyly, all remnants of jest haven been wiped away from her face. 

“Yeah, I actually had a really great time,” she admitted with a small smile. “It’d be cool if we made coming up here at least once a little tradition or something.” 

From the bashful look on her face, Jay knew that she was embarrassed by her request, most likely feeling like she was asking too much of him. It was his place after all, but, as he told her years ago when he first told her about the cabin, he wanted it to be theirs. 

Stepping out from the captain’s seat and taking the three large steps needed to get to where she was now sitting upright in the back of the boat, Jay leaned her, scooped her legs up under his arms, and sat down with her body now on top of his own. Turning her head so that her hazel eyes were in direct eyesight of his own eyes, Jay told her, “That sounds perfect. I would love that more than anything. And…” Now it was his turn to turn bashful. They had never really discussed the topic of children—only that one time when she was undercover and painfully cried out that she had to leave the job she had worked for so long because she wanted a future with him. But, something about being on a boat with Erin in Wisconsin after just watching a beautiful sunrise had Jay ready to fully broach the topic. 

“And one day we can maybe bring our kids up here and turn our trips into an annual family vacation,” he finished, holding his breath at the end of the sentence in anticipation over how she was going to react. 

Erin’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head when Jay so boldly announced his alterations to her fairly simple suggestion. Kids…of course she had thought of them and she knew that they would become much more of a reality now that they were to get married, but she had thought that maybe she and Jay would enter into the parental stages of their lives much, much further down the road. Not that she didn’t want kids—she wanted them with Jay more than anything—but, she just wasn’t ready. A part of her was still trying to wrap her head around the idea of being someone’s wife, let alone someone’s mother.

So, she simply nodded and wished with all of her might that Jay would just let the topic drop. 

Jay tried not to feel to disheartened by her lack of response, knowing deep down that this was not a conversation that he should have just sprung on her. But, he couldn’t help it. Being here the past five days had him wanting kids with her more than anything and to see that she wasn’t enthusiastically accepting the idea bothered him. 

Nevertheless, he opted to mimic her route of silence and chose not to press the idea of future family vacations with their kids any longer. Pulling away from her, he shuffled to the side of the boat, braced his arms against the side of the dock, and lifted himself up onto it. 

Erin watched him go with an apprehensive stare. His disappointment in her less-than-enthusiastic reaction was, despite his efforts to mask it, obvious. Not wanting to end their morning on a sour note, Erin plucked up as much courage as she could and blurted out to his retreating figure, “Three kids!” She waited for Jay’s steps to halt before continuing. “I want three kids.”

Jay turned around in wonderment. He used to always think that it would be a struggle to get Erin to have more than one kid, so to hear her state that she wanted three stunned him almost as much as her decision to have this conversation when she very clearly didn’t want to moments ago.

Staring at her thoughtfully, Jay sat down at the edge of the dock, his legs dangling over the side of the boat that she was still sitting in. If she was willing to partake in a conversation that very clearly made her uncomfortable, the least he could do was give her his full attention. 

“Three kids sounds great,” Jay said encouragingly. “I always wanted another sibling when I was a kid.” Memories of him crying to his mother for another brother because the one he already had was a “stupid meanie” was brought to mind. He internally rolled his eyes at his younger self in remembrance of the obnoxious and elaborate fits he threw every time she had said he was not getting another brother and was just going to have to make do with Will.

“Exactly!” Erin exclaimed. “I mean, one would be ideal and probably all I can handle, but I don’t want them to be lonely. But what if they don’t like their sibling? At least with three then there’s a stronger chance of a sibling bond or whatever.” 

“Going by that logic, then we might as well have four,” Jay admitted. “So each one can pair off with another.” He was unable to hold back a chuckle as he watched Erin’s face turn pale and her eyes comically widened at the possibility of having four kids. “We don’t have to make any decisions now!” He hurriedly added, fearful that he was beginning to freak her out too much. “I’m just relieved that you want kids at all honestly.” 

Erin cocked her head and willed some color to filter back into her face. Looking up at the man above her, the man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, she found the courage to say, “You’re going to be the best dad Jay and I refuse to be the person to deny you that chance.” The comment itself was nothing major, but it was one that both he and her knew revealed one of her deepest insecurities: there was no doubt that Jay would be a great dad to their future children, but would she be a great mom? 

Jay already had an argument ready to be made that it should be the other way around. 

“Erin, I want you to want to have kids because you want them too,” Jay said, dropping down into the boat so that he and her would be able to have this conversation face-to-face. “Not because you feel like you owe them to me.” 

Sighing, Erin reached over and grabbed Jay’s calloused hand into her own. “I want to have kids, I swear I do. I just…I don’t know Jay. I’m just not ready to really think about how I feel about having them right now. But I can tell you that I want them and I want them with you.”

“How about we just think about getting married then first, yeah?” Jay suggested, leaning down and pressing a chaste kiss just above her ear. Erin nudged him playfully when the brim of his hat prodded against her forehead. 

“Please,” she said in relief. With a small nod of his head, Jay once again stood up and made his way out of the boat, this time bringing Erin with him. As the two clambered up onto the dock and began the walk back to the cabin, Jay was unable to stop himself from envisioning four kids splashing around in the water below them, two boys who were a perfect mixture of him and Erin and two little girls that looked just like their mom. No more than ten years old, they were attempting to play an awkward, child-proof version of chicken with the two boys barely managing to support their sisters on their shoulders. He could picture Erin just off to the side, ready to intervene at any moment and while he was unable to see himself, Jay allowed himself to believe that he was sitting up on the dock, phone in hand and videoing the entire thing. 

Making sure to burn the image into his brain so that he could access it at his own leisure, Jay halted his footfalls and pulled Erin into a tight hug. 

“This was one of the best weeks I’ve had up here,” he admitted to her. “Thank you.” He wasn’t sure if he was offering her his gratitude for the week they just had, agreeing to become his wife, or the image of weeks spent at the cabin to come, but he figured that he would let her decide. 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really wish that we didn’t have to go,” Erin confessed. 

Pulling away with a smirk, Jay suggested, “I mean, I can always fire up the boat one more time and give you a chance to redeem yourself on the skis.” Erin noticeably flinched at his offer, her lungs, legs, and arms still recovering from the rather unfortunate incident two afternoons ago. She will never, ever forget the feeling of being dragged through the water because she was unable to bring herself to let go of the ski rope, even when Jay realized she had fallen and slowed the boat down to a gradual stop.

“Do that and I will divorce you before we even say ‘I do,’” she threatened, her tone dark and serious. 

Laughing off her threat, Jay once again began to lead them back up to the cabin so that they could finish packing up their bags and (reluctantly) get ready to leave the secluded location and go back to reality.


	15. Chapter 15

By the time Jay pulled his truck into the parking lot of his building, it was pitch black outside and, if it weren’t for the street lights, Erin would never have noticed the familiar dark colored SUV parked a few spots away from the building’s entrance.

“Is…is that Voight?” Jay stuttered in disbelief. He too had noticed the familiar vehicle. ‘What in the world was his boss doing outside of his place this late at night?’ Jay thought as he rapidly flipped through a long list of plausible possibilities in his mind.

Erin was also wondering the same question, but, unlike Jay, she had a pretty good idea as to why the man who raised her was parked where he was. Gulping, Erin nervously twiddled her fingers together and confirmed Jay’s comment to be true. 

“He knew we were coming back sometime today,” Erin hoarsely said, suddenly curious as to whether Hank spent a good portion of his day parked in the spot that he was now, most likely impatiently waiting for them—for her—to come back. 

Jay said nothing as he turned his truck into his usual parking spot. Shutting the engine off and killing the truck’s lights, he waited a moment before he exited the vehicle. Was Voight here to see him? Or to see Erin? And if the latter, was Voight here to try and convince her to say the hell with him and go back to the cushy life that he had set up for her in New York? All of these thoughts ran through Jay’s head and he was scared for them both to exit the confines of his truck and find out. Things had been going so good for them; it would be nothing out of the ordinary for life to send someone their way to make a mess of all of their progress. 

Looking down at Erin’s left hand to seek reassurance in the dainty piece of jewelry that he had placed there nearly a week prior, Jay’s stomach dropped when he noticed that she had turned the diamond inwards so that it was hidden from view. 

“I need to be the one to talk to him,” Erin stated, completely oblivious to his knowledge of her actions. The cemetery had not been the place to hash out all of their issues, despite the fact that they had tried to make it one. A parking lot in the dead of night however was the perfect place for them to finish the conversation that had started above Patrick Halstead’s grave. 

Anger bubbled in Erin at the reminder that so many words had gone unspoken between them. Nothing, not Jay’s pleas or her own knowledge that he was just doing what he felt was best for her, could make her forgive and forget that Hank cornered her so badly she felt that the only option she had left in her life was to run away from Chicago with the intent of never returning, of never coming to realize that yes, there was a life beyond the force and a life with Jay was possible. But, mixed within that anger was immense sadness, trepidation, and anxiety. Even at thirty-three years old, some part of her still sought out Hank’s approval and advice and wanted nothing more than to live a life that pleased him. 

Would he be pleased with the life she was beginning to forge for herself in the very place he told her never to look back at? 

Erin wasn’t sure that she wanted to know the answer and she sure as hell did not want Jay to find out at the same time she did. No matter how much Jay tried and wanted to understand and respect her relationship with Hank, Erin knew that he would never fully be able. He never had someone save them from a premature death of his own making, never had someone give him an out to what was a cruel and miserable life. And long ago, Jay had reconciled with the fact nothing he did would make his own father proud of him. The piece of Erin’s teenage self that lived on in her was still struggling to accept that she was probably going to be subjected to the same fate Jay was with his own father. Especially when Hank found out that she was saying goodbye to literally everything her professional life had to offer her, everything that Hank had groomed her into being. 

“You sure?” Jay croaked out in a tone that finally brought Erin’s eyes to his own, prompting her to see what they were focused on. Her stomach clenched uncomfortably when she noticed that he had honed in on what she had done to her engagement ring. 

“Yeah,” her voice rasped as her fingers made no effort to correct the positioning of the diamond. “This is a conversation the two of us need to have and, no offense, but I don’t think you being there will help.” 

Jay tried his best not to feel like he was being casted aside like an unwanted toy. He was to be her husband and yet she still felt the need to keep him out of aspects of her life? Jay sighed in annoyance; he thought that they were past all of this secretive crap. 

“I can handle Voight,” he gritted out, thinking maybe that was the reason why she did not want him by her side. 

“I know you can,” Erin answered. “I just…Jay, I just really need to talk to him. I need to be the one to explain to him everything that is going on and be the one to tell him of my, of our, plans.” Erin paused to collect her thoughts before saying, “He just needs to hear this all from me and having you there will only put him on more of an edge and I don’t want him to be too upset when I tell him that I am coming back to Chicago to marry you.” 

Jay recoiled at the way her words were phrased. “Erin.” He said her name slowly, dragging out each of the syllables. “I don’t want the only reason that you are coming back to Chicago to be because I asked you to marry me.” He would hate himself forever if that was the way that she felt and he knew that she would grow to hate him with a passion more intense than anything she had ever felt before if she believed her words to be the truth, that his proposal was a means of trapping her back into the city she had escaped from. 

Erin’s mouth dropped open when she realized just how her words sounded. “NO! Jay, you’re not, shit, I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t mean it like that!” 

Jay closed his eyes and breathed out heavily. He did know that. How could he not? After everything that they have been through, everything that she has done to show him that she is not running away again, he would be a fool to question her and her commitment to him and their relationship. Knowing that it was the stress and anticipation of what his boss was going to say that had him on edge and thinking the worst, he said, “I know, I know. I just want to make sure that’s not how you viewed our engagement. Because that’s not how I want you to view it.” 

“Never,” Erin firmly assured. “I love you Jay and I will do everything, say everything, that I possibly have to in order to show you that I want to come back here and live a life that I never thought I’d get to have more than anything. But, that does not change the fact that right now, I need to be the one to talk to Hank alone.” She watched as Jay nodded at her words and she breathed out a sigh of relief when it was clear that he believed what she was saying and was going to submit to her request. 

“I’ll bring the bags up and wait for you in the apartment,” he said as he unbuckled his seatbelt. “Tell Voight he’s more than welcome to come up for a drink after. Something tells me you’re both going to need one.” 

Erin let out a weak chuckle and said nothing as Jay exited the driver’s seat, grabbed their bags from the trunk, and made his way towards the building. He walked briskly and with a purpose, as if a slower pace would deter him from reaching his destination and cause him to stray off path towards the black SUV. Once she watched him enter the building, Erin slowly counted to ten before exiting the truck herself. 

Taking in a deep breath, she made her way over to the vehicle that Hank was now leaning against. He clearly had been watching and waiting for her to get out of Jay’s car. 

“Hank,” Erin said tersely with a slight nod of her head. Hank said nothing in response, instead choosing to simply stare her down. Erin recognized his tactic—the look was one he gave suspects while questioning them—but she stood resolute and refused to cower before him. Yet, a small part of her cringed at how much that look made her feel like the girl she once was after he caught her relapsing for the first time. ‘You are not that girl, not anymore,’ she reminded herself as she hardened her eyes and stared back at the man who had raised her, a look that dared him to say what it was he had come here to say. 

“Did you two have a nice trip?” She knew that his question was a dichotomy; he neither wanted to hear the answer nor did he care about it to begin with. The words were nothing more than a way to fill the silence and goad her into the conversation he apparently wanted her to start. 

‘Fine, if that’s the way he wants it to be,’ Erin said to herself before giving into Hank’s dare. “I’m moving back.” 

She flinched when Hank turned around and slammed his hands against the side of his SUV. 

“Damnit Erin!” He shouted. “Why? There is nothing here for you anymore! There wasn’t when you left and there isn’t going to be when you come back!” 

Erin could have breathed fire; his words made her so mad. 

“Nothing here?” She screeched. “Nothing here? Hank, everything is here. You, Jay, Olive, Danny, the team, my family! How could you think they’re nothing?” She sounded more defeated than she would have liked when the question fell from her lips. 

“Erin…” Hank’s tone had lost all of his anger and his tense posture slouched into one that made him look years beyond his age (which was saying something). 

“I wish I never left. I wish you never played a role in me leaving,” she bravely confessed. 

“You found out about that?” Hank asked. 

Erin nodded. “They told me after a week on the job. I wasn’t…I wasn’t performing up to their standards or something and one of the higher ups questioned whether I was worth the deal that had been made. Hank, how could you do that to me? How could you have me sent away so easily?”

“You needed to go and not look back. You were going to be stripped and…and I thought that you were on your way down another hole. I don’t know what happened with Halstead, but that was a mess and you were acting rashly and dangerously and I didn’t want to see you fall…I couldn’t see you fall. Not again, not after Justin. And I was not going to let you take the heat for Bunny because I know that’s what you would have done had you stayed. So, yes, I did what I felt like I had to do to protect you. Erin, believe me when I say there was nothing here worth you sticking around for. I stand by that and I always will.” 

His reason both made sense and it didn’t. Erin knew that there was some truth to his words, but, like always, she also knew that Hank only saw what he wanted to see. 

“Jay was going to propose to me. I could have had a future with him,” Erin mumbled, knowing that the words were the wrong ones to say immediately after saying them. Looking Hank in the eyes, not even the dark of the night could hide the angry flames that ignited alongside his brown pupils. 

“So what? You would have stayed here and sat on the side as his wife while he went out and did the work that you were meant to do?” Hank spat, clearly disgusted at the thought. 

Erin remained silent at his accusation and subconsciously sought out comfort in the piece of jewelry on her finger by rubbing her fingers against the hard stone. Hank caught onto her actions and was momentarily stunned by glimmer of the gold band.

“Oh my God,” he breathed out. “That’s what you’re doing isn’t it. Coming back to marry him?” They were the exact words that she expected him to say, but that did not make them hurt any less. How could he think so lowly of her that she would let a man decide how she lived her life? He had to have known that he taught her to be stronger than that.

“I’m coming back for me Hank,” Erin said strongly. “New York was not for me. I was miserable. I hated my job and the city was honestly only fun when Jay was there visiting or I was spending time with Olivia and her son. My team was not like our team here, they really didn’t want to have relationships that extended beyond work and I can honestly say I did not have the confidence in any of them to have my back out in the field. The job has broken me and I am just done with it. I am coming back to Chicago because this is my home, this is where my future is. Yes, Jay has a huge part in that future but I am not coming back for him. I am coming back for me.” 

“You’re throwing you’re life away. Erin, you have so much potential, don’t waste it on Halstead,” Hank pleaded, acting as if he did not just hear a single word that she said. 

“Waste it? Did you not just hear me?” Erin yelled. “I am not coming back for Jay! But even if I was, would that be so bad?” Erin stepped forward and grabbed onto both of the older man’s hands. “Hank, I love Jay. He’s my future and I want a life with him. I haven’t been happy in a long time and this job, being a detective, has taken everything from me. Jay makes me happy and I just want to be happy. Why can’t that be enough for you?”

Hank ripped his hands out of Erin’s and crossed his arms over his chest all while cocking his head to the side. “Of course it’s enough Erin. Of course I want you to be happy,” he finally said. “I just don’t want you to give up who you are.” 

“But I’m not! Being a detective is not all that I am Hank.” Erin assured passionately. “I have plans to come back and work at a women’s shelter. I want to help people like me, like Nadia, like my mom. Olivia gave me the idea. Hank, this is something that I want to do and it’s a way for me to make an honest to God difference here. Catching bad guys, pulling drugs off of the street, it all means nothing if people aren’t given the chance to see that they can get better and that there is more to life than what they have been given. You and Camille taught me that and now it’s my turn to teach that lesson to others. And if you can’t accept that then fine, you can go! I am done trying to live my life the way that you want me to. I am not that little, broken girl that you plucked off of the streets. I have grown up and this is how I want to live my life.” 

Erin watched with bated breath as Hank resumed his earlier stare, his eyes occasionally flickering down to her left hand which was propped on her hip. 

Almost two full minutes had passed before he chose to respond. “Okay,” he said finally with a curt nod of his head. “Okay. If that’s what you want.” 

“Yeah?” Erin asked, cursing the tears that were beginning to form in her eyes at his approval and her transparent desperation to have it. 

“It’ll be good to have you back in the city,” was all Hank said in response before unclenching his arms from his chest and holding them out wide enough to signal to her that he was asking for her forgiveness through the means of a hug. Unable to deny him, Erin flung herself into his waiting arms, relishing in the feeling of being back on good terms with the man who was responsible for even having the chance at the future she had dreamt up. 

“Halstead is a lucky guy, I hope he knows that,” Hank said when the two finally pulled away from each other.

“We’re both lucky,” Erin said with a smile. She made a point to turn the ring upright on her finger before informing Hank that Jay invited him up for a drink if he wanted one. Surprisingly, Hank accepted and allowed her to lead the way up to Jay’s apartment. 

“So, I’m assuming that you two had a good trip then?” Hank asked once more as they got into the elevator that would take them up to Jay’s floor. 

“It was great actually. Just what we both needed, Jay especially,” Erin answered coyly as she internally debated whether or not to ruin the pleasant turn of events with the other bone that she had to finish picking with Hank. 

“He doing better?” 

“You mean has his gunshot wound recovered?” Erin snipped, unable to stop herself from doing so. 

She watched out of the corner of her eye as Hank hesitantly nodded. “That’s actually why I was here waiting for you two to come back. I owe Jay an apology. You…you were right in the cemetery. Benching him was hypocritical of me and you know that there is nothing I hate more than a hypocrite.” 

“Good,” Erin said bluntly. “You do owe him one; you owe him one big time.” The elevator dinged and the doors slid open before Hank was able to respond. ‘Probably for the best,’ Erin thought as she led the way down the hallway towards Jay’s apartment. ‘It’s Jay who needs to be hearing the apology anyway.’ 

//

Jay paced anxiously all around his living room, uncapped beer in hand that he had yet to take a sip from. He wished that he pushed Erin more to let him talk to Hank with her, he wished that he was down there in that parking lot hearing everything that was being said and allowed the chance to defend himself when Hank would undoubtedly begin to convince her to stay away from him and the city. 

He respected the hell out of his boss as both a cop and the man who made it even possible for Erin to be in his life. But, he also absolutely loathed the control that Voight always seemed to have over Erin and how his fiancé, no matter how much she might not want to, would always go along with what the older man said. And Jay knew that there was practically a one in a million chance that Voight was okay with her leaving her new life in New York to come back here and be with him. 

That thought scared him more than he cared to admit. Jay believed himself to be over and beyond what had transpired nearly a year earlier, but apparently, as he should know by now, the past can’t be put out of mind that easily—especially when Hank had a hand to play in two out of the three times that she had left him. First, when he caught on to the fact that they were breaking his no dating rule and she ended things out of fear for losing her job. Second, when she left for New York without a word because that was what Hank orchestrated to happen. Both times Erin put up little to no resistance to what was asked of her and it would just be Jay’s luck that Hank would succeed a third time in getting her to leave him. 

“No,” Jay mumbled to himself. “She loves you and isn’t going fucking anywhere!” His reassurances to himself did very little to quell the flurry doubts that fluttered around his mind. Oh how he wished that they could just go back to the cabin or back to her apartment in New York where only the present and future was talked about and focused on. As the bottle’s condensation began dripping down the bottle and onto his hands, Jay realized that this was the first time since they had gotten back together that others had purposely been brought into the little bubble that they had created for themselves. Sure, people knew that she was here and that she was back with him, but no one really knew the full extent of their relationship and they were never given the chance to ask. Hank was the first person (well, besides Will and very briefly Platt and Antonio) who really got to have a say and voice their opinion on his and Erin’s rekindled relationship and the future the two were planning together. 

‘Maybe not the best choice,’ Jay mentally mused as he sat down on his couch to wait: the pacing was only making him more anxious. 

Three sharp knocks rapped against his door mere moments after he got as comfortable as he was able to on the couch in his current stressed out state. Jay took a moment to collect himself in an effort to not reveal just how frazzled their shared conversation outside had made him before making his way over to answer Erin and (hopefully? Or not?) Hank. 

The door was just barely cracked when the weight of Erin’s body pushed it the rest of the way open and pulled him in for a tight hug and a light kiss on the cheek. Jay cursed himself for breathing a sigh of relief. She was still here. 

A gruff cough pulled Jay away from the feeling of Erin being in his arms. Tilting his head back towards the door, he noticed Voight standing there awkwardly in the doorway, clearly feeling as if he was intruding on a moment he had no part of being in. 

“Sarge,” Jay greeted with a nod while pulling completely away from Erin. Voight offered up a quick hello before allowing his eyes to wander around the vicinity of the apartment. Jay’s stomach clenched when he unwilling recalled the last time that Voight had been in his home; he had done the exact same thing that he was doing now.

“Place looks a lot cleaner than I remember it,” the Sergeant observed with a pointed look in Jay’s direction that caused Jay to gulp and Erin to look up at him quizzically. 

Thankfully, a miniscule shake of his head was enough for Erin to know that now was not the time to ask the questions that had most likely formed in her head at Voight’s comment.

“Jay allowing his apartment to be messy?” Erin quipped, her words meant to break the rising tension in the room. “Now that’s something I would pay to see.” 

“I have no doubt that you would,” Jay found himself joking along. “Then you could be a slob and make a mess of the bathroom in peace.” He chuckled when Erin made a funny face and stuck her tongue out at him playfully. 

“I give props to you for agreeing to put up with her bad habits for the rest of your life Halstead,” Hank joined in, his voice a mixture of seriousness and teasing. The playfulness of Erin and Jay’s banter quickly evaporated at Voight’s recognition of the fact that Jay had proposed to Erin and she had said yes. 

A quick look down at Erin did nothing to ease the uneasiness that sloshed around in Jay’s stomach; her face looked about as terrified as he felt. ‘God, if she was petrified to, whatever Voight said couldn’t have been good,’ Jay silently fretted as he waited to see if his boss would say anything more on the matter or if he was going to be forced to come up with a response. 

When it became clear that Voight was waiting for him to respond, Jay stupidly stuttered, “Er, yeah, right, thanks?” He did not like the ways that Voight’s eyes narrowed in on him. 

“Think you can handle it?” All three of them knew that it was a loaded question: do you have what it takes to be her husband? To handle her truly for better or for worse? 

For Jay, there was no answer other than a resounding, “Absolutely.” No matter how much Voight was trying to intimidate him, nothing would deter Jay from believing that he was prepared to enter a lifelong relationship with Erin, especially the cynical Hank Voight. 

He tried to look as calm, cool, and collected as possible while his boss scoured his face for any signs that he had just been lied to. It bothered Jay that Voight thought that he would lie about something like this, that the older man still regarded his feelings for Erin as nothing more than a stupid, high school crush. 

“Hank,” Erin exasperated, clearly having enough of this bullshit, father-of-the-bride, tough guy act that her pseudo father was putting on. However, Voight did nothing to relent on his intimidation tactic and Jay only stood up a little straighter and squared back his shoulders at her attempts to call off the stare down between the two.

And then, in a moment that stunned both Jay and Erin, Voight stuck out his hand for Jay to clasp. “Good. You’re a good guy Halstead. If anyone was to be stuck with her, I’m glad it’s you.” 

“With all due respect Sarge, I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m stuck with her.” A glimmer of a smile flashed across Voight’s face at the words and that was when Jay knew that, finally, the relationship between him and Erin was finally recognized and accepted by Hank Voight. Jay was only slightly embarrassed by how validated he felt with the silent approval. 

But how could he not feel that way? The biggest obstacle in all of their attempts at a relationship had just offered his support. That was huge! Especially since it had been made clear from day one that Voight was just generally not a fan of Jay and his supposed morally right ways. 

“Well, had I known that I was going to be celebrating an engagement, I would have thought to bring a bottle of champagne. Halstead, mind if we break into your liquor cabinet?” Voight asked, jerking his head in the direction of the medium sized display piece that Jay kept his most expensive and best tasting alcohol selection in. 

Shrugging, Jay silently made his way over to the cabinet and pulled out the bottle of scotch that the team had splurged on to get him last year for his birthday. Grasping onto the bottle, he remembered how surprised he had been when they presented it to him. 

“You deserve it bro,” Kevin had said when Jay spluttered out how they did not need to spend the large amount of money that they did on him. 

“This seems like as good as a time as any to break the seal on this,” Jay announced, holding the bottle up high and proudly on display. “I just need to grab some glasses from the kitchen. 

“Erin can get them,” Hank insisted in a tone that left no room for discussion. Jay caught onto the look that Voight gave her and became confused when he saw Erin respond to it with an understanding nod. Before Jay was able to ask what was going on, Erin turned promptly on her heel and left the room. 

Eyebrows now furrowed together, Jay turned to his boss and asked, “Everything okay Sarge?” 

Clapping his hands together and turning his face so that he was looking Jay in the eyes, Voight said six words that all but knocked Jay off his feet. “Halstead, I owe you an apology.” 

“For what?” Jay asked incredulously once he realized that Voight was being serious. Since when did Hank Voight ever apologize for anything? And what the hell did Jay do to warrant such an act? 

“I told you once, back when you stopped A-Al and I from drowning Pulpo in the river, that I act in the moment and always do what I feel is best in that moment. I don’t think, I just do what I feel is right.” Jay nodded his head along with the words, recalling the conversation that Voight was referring to. It was one of the first times that Jay had really stuck to his guns and took a firm stand against his boss’s…unconventional…ways. 

“I also believe that I once told you that there is nothing I hate more than a hypocrite,” Voight continued once he was sure that Jay was following along with what he was saying. Once again, Jay nodded. “Erin was right with what she said after your father’s funeral. Benching you when I did was wrong of me and I know without a doubt that I would have acted in the same way that you did had I been in that situation. Hell, you and I both know that I would have done much, much worse than try and chase a dirty criminal through the streets and then call in for support once he had been injured.” 

Jay shifted on his feet uncomfortably. Not that he didn’t appreciate what Voight was saying to him, but Jay honestly just wanted the whole incident to be put behind them all and never brought up again. 

“I thought that by benching you, that I was doing what was best for you, protecting you—” 

“I can protect myself,” Jay sharply interrupted, hating the implication that he was someone who did require protection. “Been doing it for years.” 

“Halstead, just shut up and listen,” Voight grumbled, clearly displeased by the interruption. “What I am trying to say was that it was wrong of me to bench you and it was wrong of me to lay into you like I did when I did. You and I once came to an understanding that you have your convictions and I would have to come to terms with them. I went back on my word and I accept full responsibility for that. You’re a good cop Halstead with a bright future ahead of you and I am damn lucky to have you in the unit. I mean that.” 

Ducking his head and rubbing his hand over the back of his neck, Jay silently accepted the apology and the compliment that had been so decadently dished out to him. 

“I appreciate that Sarge, really, I do,” he found himself saying when the silence that had fallen over them became too much for him. All that he got in return was a grunt to symbolize all talk of that day and feelings still harboring on past actions were over. 

Thankfully, Erin reentered the living room no more than a beat later, his mother’s old Waterford glasses cringingly clinking against one another in her hands. It was sheer luck that his mother’s prized drinkware ended up in his care, but Jay was beyond glad that it did. Will probably would have pawned them off for money and his father most likely would have smashed them all in a drunken fit of rage. 

“This was the best that I could find,” she announced as she bounded towards the two most important men in her life. 

“Hmph,” Voight breathed out loudly, letting his distaste Jay’s drinkware be known. Rolling his eyes because he did not see what the problem was—a glass was a glass after all—Jay chose not to dignify either of the responses and quickly poured a healthy amount of scotch out for each of them. 

“Cheers,” he said once he was through pouring the expensive drink into each of the three glasses. Erin and Voight followed in suit.

“To the happy couple,” the older man offered before clinking his glass against the others. 

When Jay glanced over and saw that Erin was beaming radiantly, he couldn’t help but smile himself. This—toasting to his and Erin’s future with Hank Voight—was not how he anticipated his first night back from Wisconsin going, but Jay was unable to find it in himself to complain. 

“So, do you two have any plans set?” Hank casually asked while slowly sipping his drink. 

Erin made eye contact with Jay and gave a small grin and a wink before answering. “We settled on a date but that’s it.” She paused briefly before continuing in a much softer tone. “June seventeenth.” 

Jay watched Voight’s reaction very closely and he was glad that he did because if he didn’t see the tears forming in his boss’s eyes with his own, he never would have believed it. Watching his boss get choked up at their decision to honor his and Camille’s relationship was definitely a humbling experience for Jay; it was proof that there really was more to Hank Voight than meets the eye and that, deep down, he was not the heartless monster most thought him to be.

“I uh, well, huh,” Voight stuttered out, clearly struggling to find the words that he wanted to say. “You two need any help with anything you uh, you let me know. I will take care of whatever you need.” 

“Thanks Sarge,” Jay said as Erin leaned over and placed her arm on her pseudo-father’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. 

“Yeah thanks Hank,” she reiterated with a warm smile. “We really appreciate it.” 

Hank Voight simply nodded his head and tossed back the remainder of his scotch, his mind undoubtedly lost in the memories of his past. 

// 

By the time Erin and Jay had the apartment to themselves and were able to shower, change into their pajamas, and congregate once more in his living room, it was nearing eleven thirty. 

“I think that went pretty well,” Erin mused as she dramatically dropped onto the couch, her arms splaying outwards on either side of her. Jay chuckled at her antics and chose not to join her, instead opting for the recliner chair positioned to the side of the furniture that she was sprawled out on. 

“Definitely could have gone a lot worse, that’s for sure,” he commented before bringing the beer bottle he grabbed for himself up to his lips and taking a nice, long sip. “How did your talk go?” 

Erin knew by his tone that it was a question he had been dying to ask her since he departed from her in the parking lot. 

Shrugging, she answered, “Fine. We fought and then came to a mutual understanding. Pretty typical for us.” It wasn’t that she did not think that he was undeserving of knowing what exactly had been said, she was just unsure if it was something he’d benefit knowing about. Hank had made some pretty hurtful accusations and she was fearful of how Jay would react if he knew that Hank initially felt that she was “wasting” her life by being with him. The evening had ended on such a high note and she really didn’t want to taint that by upsetting him. 

Thankfully, Jay nodded his head slowly, seemingly accepting the extremely vague answer that she had given him.

A comfortable silence fell over the two of them and Erin used the time to glance around the room. For the first time since she arrived in Chicago, she truly had the time to actually take in every little detail of the apartment Jay had attempted to make his own. Unsurprisingly, nothing new really stuck out to her. Jay was a creature of habit after all and he did not put much stock into owning things. But, due to her slouched over position on the couch, she did notice for the first time a few framed pictures that, she could tell just by their placement on the small set of black wooden shelves underneath his mounted TV, were not meant for the untrained eye. 

Garnering more effort than she would have liked, Erin lifted herself up off of the couch and stumbled over the other side of the room where the frames in question were. With each step that she took, she felt Jay’s curious eyes on her oversized t-shirt and athletic shorts clad body. Dropping to her knees once she reached her desired destination, Erin slowly reached out her hand and hesitantly picked up the first picture that she saw. 

Trapped inside of a simple, thin black frame was a perfectly timed photograph of her, Jay, and Nadia on Jay’s birthday. Tears sprung up in Erin’s eyes as she stared down at the evident pure happiness on each of their faces, remembering the night that it had been taken all too well.

She and Jay had just begun dating and while she didn’t want to go all out for her new boyfriend’s birthday because she felt that it would have been weird, Erin had also wanted to do something nice for the guy who was more than just her new boyfriend. After stressing out all week to Nadia about it, the two of them decided that they would order takeout from Jay’s favorite steakhouse and set up a nice dinner at their shared apartment for him. Prior to that point, Jay had been putting in an excess amount of hours helping Nadia study for her Police Academy exam and the young girl had also wanted to help celebrate the man who had become more of a surrogate brother than anything else to her. 

So, the two invited him over, got him dinner, and somehow concocted the idea that they did not need to buy a cake and would instead make one for him, which, as seen in the picture, had surprisingly come out pretty well. 

“Jay Halstead, I will shove your face in that cake and not let you take one bite if you blow out those candles before we get a picture!” Nadia had threatened in a tone so serious that neither Jay nor Erin were able to bring themselves to laugh at her threat. 

Erin stiffened and pulled out of the memory when she felt Jay’s body crouched down beside her own. 

“I still can’t believe that you two baked me a cake,” he said wistfully. Forcing her eyes away from the picture, Erin glanced upwards at Jay and saw that he too had tears glistening in his eyes. 

“I miss her,” she choked out, turning her attention back to the picture in hand. 

“I know,” Jay muttered, his voice sounding huskier than usual. “Me too.” 

Setting the picture down, Erin silently pulled out the other two frames that were set on each side of it. Holding one in each hand, she was faced with two more memories featuring Nadia that had been frozen in time. The one in her left hand also contained the three of them, this time at a Blackhawks game. When Jay had found out that Nadia had never been to one, he insisted that he would get tickets for the three of them to go to the next home game. All Erin remembered of that night was that the Hawks had won big and Nadia declaring that she needed to marry a pro hockey player. 

Focusing in on the frame in her right hand, Erin found a photo that she did not recognize. It was in the format of a selfie and Nadia had clearly been the one taking the picture due to the fact that her body was much more focused in on and much larger looking than Jay’s. She was giving whatever she used to take the picture a thumbs up and was smiling just as big as the time she had first greeted Erin after finishing rehab. Jay was sitting down at a table behind her, his badge still hanging around his neck and grinning just as broadly. He too was giving the camera a thumbs up. 

“What’s the story behind this one?” Erin dared to ask, not caring if it was an act of intrusion on Jay’s own personal memories of their deceased friend. 

Following a few small coughs to clear his throat which she knew without asking had tightened up, he answered, “That was like two nights before her exam. Remember how she had us in total crunch mode with her?” Jay paused to give Erin time to recollect how hectic that week had been studying wise. “Platt had you on night patrol that night so it was just her and I and for like…three hours…I rapid fired questions at her and she got every single one right. Nads wanted to take a picture to remember the moment so that if she freaked out going to the test, she would be able to look at it and remember that there was no reason to psyched herself out because she knew the material. When I got it developed for her, I made sure to have one printed for me too.”

Erin nodded at his explanation. “Why do you keep them hidden down here? They’re actually nice photos.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Erin knew the answer to her own question. The pictures were put on display but kept out of sight of the average eye because, even though it had been almost four years since she was brutally murdered, it was still too damn painful to be reminded of the young girl who had so much potential. After herself, Jay had been the closest to Nadia and had been forced to deal with his own fair share of grief when Yates took her from them. 

“For the same reason that you don’t really like to talk about her,” Jay admitted. “It’s too hard. But, I didn’t think it was fair to her memory either to not put them out.”

Erin tilted her head upwards at the ceiling and shut her eyes. He was right, for as much as she thought about Nadia, she rarely ever spoke of her. Just saying her name brought up too many unwanted feelings, especially as of recently. Erin would be a lying fool if she were to say that the girl had not been on her mind since they had gotten engaged and an even more untruthful if she were to say that, at the mention of hers and Jay’s potential children, she did not immediately see Nadia’s cold, bruised, bloodied, and dead body partially wrapped by a blue tarp on that God awful beach in New York. 

She had failed Nadia. She had gotten her killed. Who was to say that her own flesh and blood would be able to escape that fate? 

“I failed her Jay.” Her cry was practically inaudible but, judging by the way that Jay’s body tense alongside her own, she knew that he had heard it. “What if I fail again?” It was a fear that, had she not been so rattled by seeing the three pictures, she never, ever would have admitted to Jay. 

Then again, she had promised to not keep any secrets from him…

“You won’t Erin, we won’t.” Jay’s reassurances were said with so much conviction that Erin felt like she had to believe him. “And I will do whatever I have to in order to prove that to you that you will be a good mom.” Erin repositioned her head so that she was looking right into the face of the man who she knew loved her unconditionally. 

“Did you know that she always wanted us to get married and have kids?” Erin questioned, a faint smile beginning to spread across her face. “She always said our babies would be beautiful and it would be a damn shame if we deprived the world of them.” If it was the knowledge that Jay would be the best dad that confirmed to her that she wanted kids, it was that memory that got her thinking about said kids to begin with. 

“Well, she was not wrong. So, what do you say me and you get to practicing so that we are ready to make some insanely cute kids when the time comes?” Leave it to Jay to use sex to lighten the mood…and leave it to her to fall her his attempts every single time.

“I mean, I do have to overindulge for the next two months,” Erin repeated the same words he had fed to her that first night they shared in bed together all those months before in New York with a teasing smirk. She was completely ready to grant him the chance to make her forget all about the heavy conversation that they just had. ‘So much for not spoiling a good night,’ she thought to herself just as Jay stood up, leant over, and picked her up in his arms. 

“Jay!” She squealed when he tossed her body over his shoulder. “Put me down!” 

Of course, he only obeyed her command upon entering the bedroom when he tossed her body onto his perfectly made bed, pulled his thin white t-shirt up over his head, and crawled onto the bed and up her body. 

“Two more months and we get to do this every night,” Jay said in between kisses that trailed from her lips, across her jaw, and down her neck. 

“Two more months,” Erin hummed in contentment, already becoming lost in the amazing way that he always made her feel. “Two more months and I’m home.”

//

The following day, since Erin’s flight back to New York was in the early afternoon, she and Jay decided to end their time together at their favorite breakfast diner they frequented way too often back when they were both partners and lovers. 

“Can you believe that the last time I was here was when you were going on and on about that married couple who lived in separate houses and only got together for dinner and sex?” Erin said with a laugh once the two had ordered their usual coffee and breakfast order: pancakes for her and eggs, bacon, and home fries for him. 

Jay chuckled awkwardly at the memory. “Yeah, don’t know why I ever thought that would have been a good segue into addressing the mess I had made of us and how I wanted to fix us.”

“Well, look at us now, engaged and ready to move in together again!” Jay wasn’t sure what he loved more, the words she said or how happy she sounded when she said them. If someone had told him that this is where they would be a year after that disastrous attempt to use that insanely odd couple as an example for them, he probably would have thought he was hallucinating. 

But yet, here they were: engaged and happier than ever—and with Hank Voight’s approval to boot!

“So, mention of moving in together, I had a thought,” Jay started. Once he was sure that he had Erin’s attention—she seemed to be lost in the same train of thought that he had been—he continued. “What if you started mailing your stuff to me bit by bit so that when you do leave New York, it will be quick and easy and you won’t have to deal with a lot of packing? Plus, I could always sort through the stuff and set up the place so it’s not a complete mess when you do move back.”

He watched as she mulled over his suggestion. “I mean, yeah I could do that with some stuff, but not all of it. I think, and this is just with the minimum amount of things I plan to bring, I would need a moving truck.” Jay had to suppress a groan; a moving truck was the last thing that he wanted to deal with.

“Er, my place isn’t that big. How much stuff do you plan on bringing?” 

“I don’t know, there are some furniture pieces that I really don’t want to get rid of and the same goes for some of my artwork that I have hanging up. Obviously all of my clothes and you can’t forget all of my pillows.” Jay faked banging his head against the table at her last mention. 

“You and your damn pillows,” he remarked with an exaggerated sigh. “I swear you’d kick me out of the bed to make room for them!” 

“Damn right I will! A girl’s gotta sleep,” Erin winked. “But seriously, even if your place doesn’t have the room for my stuff now, I still want to bring it and put it in storage or something so we have it for when we are able to afford a house.” 

Seeing reason with her explanation, Jay nodded. “Makes sense. Between what you have at your place and what I have at mine, we would definitely be able to furnish a good portion of a larger place. I guess bringing it now would save us a lot of money in the long run.” 

“Exactly! And not that I don’t like your apartment, I do, really, but I think that it’d be kind of nice to be able to get a place together either sometime before or not too long after we got married.” 

Jay was unable to prevent the grin on his face from growing. Looking for a place together was something that they never got around to doing and he was more than excited to experience it with her in the near future. In fact, it would be a fair assumption to say that he was more than excited because they would be looking for a place to house not just them, but also their future family. 

“Sounds like a reasonable timeline,” he said as he reached his hand across the table and clasped it around her own. 

Their food arrived shortly after and very minimal conversation was shared as they devoured their breakfast. 

“Well, I guess we should probably head out if you want to make your flight on time,” Jay announced after checking his watch. Erin nodded sadly and watched as Jay rifled through his wallet for the right amount of cash to pay for their breakfast. Slapping a twenty and a couple ones down on the table, Jay got up and gestured for Erin to do the same. 

“Just two more months, you can do it babe,” he said encouragingly when he noticed how she was dragging her feet behind him. 

“But I want to stay!” Erin whined. “I like having someone to buy me breakfast in the morning.”

“Oh, so that’s all I’m good for?” Jay feigned hurt and mockingly placed one hand over his chest. “Er, you wound me.” He held the café’s door open and placed an arm around her shoulders once she walked through it. 

“Well, that and amazing sex,” Erin quipped, jabbing his upper torso with her finger. 

Jay let out a hearty laugh at her response. “Glad to know you think I’m amazing in—”

“Erin?” A shrill voice called out from behind them. “Erin!” Jay’s blood momentarily went cold. He knew that voice. He despised that voice. And judging by the way Erin had tensed up in his arms, so did she.

Jay pretended that neither heard the shouts and tried to steer Erin towards the car, but Barbara “Bunny” Fletcher was nothing, if not persistent. 

“Damn it Jay, stop walking and let me speak to my daughter!” Bunny demanded as she ran to catch up to them. It was with great reluctance that Jay heeded her words and stopped trying to walk away. But, he did not turn around to face her; Erin would be the judge as to when they were ready to do that. 

“Fuck,” Erin cursed when Bunny was mere inches behind them, leaving both no choice but to turn around and see what she wants. “Mom, hi.” Jay cringed at how lifeless the words sounded as they came out of Erin’s mouth. She should not have to deal with this train wreck of a woman that Jay can quite honestly say he had forgotten about over the course of the last few months. 

How he managed to block the memories of Bunny from his mind he could not say but, once he turned around and actually faced the woman, he remembered why. Erin’s mother looked worse than ever. Clearly strung out on something, her skin looked waxy and her hair greasy and, judging by the way her clothes limply hung from her body, what little weight she had gained while sober had been lost. Her eyes looked the same though, just as wild, unpredictable and vindictive as he remembered them to be. There was no love found in them and Jay knew that no love ever would be. 

“Erin, sweetie, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Why have you been ignoring me?” Bunny demanded to know, her voice sounding sickly sweet. 

“Ignoring you? Mom, you know that I moved to New York!” Erin said, clearly agitated by her mother’s accusations. 

Bunny cocked her head and placed both of her bony hands on each side of her hips. “I didn’t think it was a permanent move though. Why would you ever want to stay there?” 

Jay watched as Erin pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled deeply. “To keep you out of prison Mom. I had to move to keep you out of prison.” 

“That’s just the lie Hank Voight told you to get you away from me,” Bunny scoffed. “I swear Erin, I keep telling you that man is no good for you and wants to come between us!” 

“It wasn’t Hank Mom!” Erin screeched, suddenly losing what little control over herself that she had. “The FBI had you pinched and I stupidly made a deal to save you!”

Bunny simply waved her hand, casting Erin’s hands off to the side. “Well, you’re here now. We should get dinner this week and catch up. I’ve missed you sweetie. And, I know a few people who do too,” she said suggestively. Jay clenched his fists together at his side. He knew exactly what kind of people missed Erin and he would sooner go back to Kandahar than let Erin be in their presence for just a second, let alone a whole dinner. 

“Mom, I’m not back. I actually leave in a few hours to go home to New York,” Erin tried to explain. “I only came to Chicago for a few days.” It was then that Bunny seemed to fully register that Jay was standing beside Erin.

“For him?” She spat, her eyes piercing Jay in a menacing stare. 

“Yes,” Erin said firmly as she stepped forward slightly to place her body in between Bunny and Jay. It was as if she knew that any second Jay was about to lose his cool and verbally attack the woman who failed to raise Erin. “His father passed away and I came back for the funeral and to offer my condolences.” Not the whole truth, but just truthful enough that Bunny seemed placated. 

“You couldn’t send a text?” 

Erin rolled her eyes. “Mom, I really don’t want to do this right now, what do you want?” 

“What do I want?” Bunny gasped, shocked that Erin would believe she had an ulterior motive to accosting them on the street. “I don’t want anything but to see my baby. I miss you so much darling. I wish that you would come home.” 

“Did you even know that I was gone?” Erin sighed. “If you missed me that badly, you could have sent a text or called or something.” Jay had to hide his smirk at his fiancé’s ability to turn her mother’s words against her. 

“Come home hunny. You clearly don’t work for Hank anymore so he won’t be a problem and me and you can have the relationship together that I always wanted and you always deserved,” Bunny goaded sweetly. 

“I’m going back to New York mom, I have to. I have a job and a life there now. There-there’s nothing in Chicago for me anymore,” Erin stammered out, clearly fearful that Bunny would see through her lie and wreak havoc on the life she and Jay were prepared to start together in the very city she claimed she was done with. 

Jay didn’t even have it in himself to be bothered by her words and the painful consequences they once had on his life. He would let Erin say anything and everything to get Bunny as far away from them as possible. The sinful woman had an uncanny ability to mess up Erin’s life time and time again and Jay would be damned if she was given the opportunity to do so yet again. 

“You’ll regret leaving Erin!” Bunny warned, her tone turning nasty. “And when you do and want to come crawling back, I may not be there for you when you’ll undoubtedly need me!” With those words, Bunny turned around and stumbled back in the direction from which she came. 

“Good,” Jay said firmly and loud enough for Bunny’s retreating form to hear. “Erin, are you okay?” He quickly turned his attention towards Erin once he was positive that Bunny was not going to retaliate. 

Erin’s only response was sinking all of her body’s weight against Jay. 

“I was here for no more than twenty-four hours and she found me,” she said hoarsely, her voice sounding far too distant for Jay’s liking. “Jay, I can’t be around her when I’m here. I can’t have her constantly just showing and, and…” Erin let out a shuddering breath and turned so that her front was facing Jay. “Jay, what are we going to do?” 

Jay pulled her in for a tight and hopefully reassuring hug. “You are going to go back to New York for two months and then, when you come back, we will live our lives. Don’t worry about Bunny. You know Hank and I will never let her get to you again. Erin,” Jay peered down at her, his face the picture of seriousness. “You have already sacrificed too much of your life for her. It’s time you start hundred percent focusing on your life and stop giving a damn with what she does with hers.” 

All Erin could do was nod, her body and mind visibly shaken from the encounter she just had with her mother. Not that Jay could blame her for being in such a state. It was as if the ghosts of her past had come out to taunt her about what awaits her permanent return, ready at every corner to remind her of the horrors and pain she had run away from in the first place. Voight and Nadia last night, Bunny this morning. The back of Jay’s mind was tentatively fearful for who else would come out of the woodworks and tempt her to stray from him for good this time. Their future together may seem solid now, but Jay knew that they both knew how much damage one little pebble falling out of place could do. 

“Come on,” Jay said, nudging her in the direction of where his truck was parked. “We have to get you to the airport. The sooner you leave, the sooner you get to come back.” 

Jay’s sense of fear spiked when Erin said nothing in return, only shakily took a step forward before halting again. 

“Why does she have to ruin everything?” Erin cried out, desperate for an answer to the question she had been asking for years. “Why can’t she just stay away?” 

To that, Jay had no answer. “She hasn’t ruined anything yet babe,” he found himself saying despite knowing that his words were neither reassuring or helpful to the situation. “She doesn’t know that you’re moving back. And judging by the fact she looked like she was strung out on something, I doubt she will even remember seeing you today.”

“One can only hope,” Erin swore darkly before resuming her trek back to his truck. 

“One can only hope,” Jay repeated to himself before taking off after her.


	16. Chapter 16

The 21st District was far too quiet for Jay’s liking on a Monday morning. Having spent the night before up late Facetiming Erin, he was running uncharacteristically late and was hoping that the usual Monday morning bustle would provide the perfect cover for him to slip quietly up into the bullpen. Unluckily for him, that was not the case.

“Chuckles, you were supposed to clock in fifteen minutes ago,” Sergeant Platt barked from her perch behind the desk before both of his feet even crossed the District’s threshold. 

“Won’t happen again Sarge,” Jay hollered over his shoulder as he bounded towards the stairs, eager to avoid a conversation with the older woman. Quickly placing his hand in the scanner, Jay fumbled with the gate and began climbing the stairs to the bullpen two at a time so he wouldn’t have to hear Platt’s sarcastic rebuttal. 

Just as he had climbed high enough to be out of Platt’s view but was still low enough to be unseen by the team, Jay wished he remained downstairs for the lashing Platt undoubtedly wanted to give him.

Obviously well aware that Jay was not amongst their presence, the team was discussing quite heatedly what to make of Jay’s apparent relationship with Erin and how they felt about it. 

Feeling like he was stuck in some cliché movie—the kind where the character always hears the whispered conversations behind their back—Jay figured he would live up to the role given to him and listen to what they had to say before making his presence known. 

“Are we really going to go along like she didn’t leave him a complete mess for months?” He heard Hailey ask incredulously. “What if she leaves him again?” 

“Not that I think she will,” Antonio answered, his tone thoughtful and his words carefully articulated. “But she’ll come back. She always does…for him at least.” 

“What does that even mean?” Hailey questioned. 

“Remember what I told you about Nadia? And how Erin wasn’t exactly in the best place after she died?” Kim’s voice joined in the conversation. Jay assumed Hailey must have nodded because the next thing he heard was Adam providing the details of Erin’s relapse with drugs, her quitting Intelligence, Jay getting kidnapped by Keyes, and Erin pulling herself together to save him when she found out what had happened. 

“It really makes you think though,” Adam finished. “About what she thinks of the rest of us ‘cause Antonio is right, she always comes back for Jay. Never for Voight, never for anyone else. Like, we always viewed her as our family too, you know? But did she think the same? I don’t know, just makes you think.” 

Jay had to fight his instinct to not go charging up the remaining stairs to defend Erin. He wanted to hear what the rest of them had to say in response because, for the first time, he realized that he never really took the time to learn how the team was doing in the wake of Erin’s abrupt departure for New York. 

“That’s not fair and you know it so stop talking before you sound even more stupid than you already do,” Antonio warned the younger cop. “It’s different for Jay, always has been and always will be.” 

“Yeah you’re right bro,” Kevin spoke for the first time since Jay started listening. “But Ruz is also kinda right. It wasn’t just Jay that was hurt when she took off. We all felt it too, more so ‘cause we had to watch him fall apart at the same time. Don’t know if I can easily forgive that.” 

Jay stood silently waiting for someone else to say something, to say that Adam’s and Kevin’s beliefs were unfounded and unnecessary. But no one did, and quite honestly, Jay wasn’t able to completely blame them. Guilt settled in the pit of his stomach as he realized just how out of tune Jay really was for those eighty-seven days that he was without Erin in his life in some shape or form. He never knew that anyone of them were feeling this way. His mental state at the time had him convinced that they were all immune to the pain he had been feeling because no one loved and relied and cared for Erin as much as he had. Tucked in amongst the shadows on the wall, out of view from a private conversation not meant for his ears, Jay came to understand that he was completely and utterly wrong. 

Much like he had that day after Jules’s funeral, the team truly took to heart that words that Voight fed them. Everybody in this unit was a family. Not colleagues, not friends, not partners, but a true family. Erin didn’t just leave him, she left their whole family. Had he been in their shoes, Jay knew that he would have been more than pissed at her, he would have been livid. To him, this makeshift family was everything to him, and he knew that the others all felt the same way. 

“Well, you’re going to have to eventually man because she’s definitely going to be coming back at some point for good. You mark my words,” Antonio warned, his voice pulling Jay from his thought process of figuring out the frame of mind Adam and Kevin were in. 

“Come back to where? Chicago? Or the unit?” Kim asked, her voice tingling with a excitement that made Jay’s mouth twitch upwards. 

“Not the unit,” Hailey said tightly. “She got stripped. They won’t give her her badge back, not after what happened.” 

“I wouldn’t put it past Voight to try though,” Kevin mused with a chuckle. 

“Nah, I don’t think she’ll come back to the unit. But she’s definitely going to come back to Chicago at some point. I can’t see Jay living in New York,” Antonio guessed. 

Jay was ready to make his presence known and confirm that yes, she was coming back within the next two months, but his desire to hear any more last thoughts any of them might have held him back. 

“You two seem awfully okay with this,” Hailey accused, presumably addressing Kim and Antonio. 

“Well, she’s like, one of my best friends,” Kim defended. “Plus, we still talk every once in a while and I knew about her and Jay from the start.” Jay imagined Kim tipping her chin upward at the acknowledgement that she was privy to such secret and arguably important information. Chuckling at the image, he also made a mental note to tease Erin about this newfound information. She talked about him with Kim. Whether to gossip, complain, praise, lament, or excitedly share details and all the girly feelings that came along with them of their private life, Erin made a point to call up one of her friends and talk about him, Jay Halstead, to them. The act itself was so normal, but in their world, normal was very rare and he was definitely going to have his fun bringing this up with her. 

“I stopped by Jay’s place the night before the funeral and she answered the door and we talked some,” Antonio explained. “Didn’t say much, but I at least had the time to process what I had seen and was expecting her to be there besides him at the funeral.”

“Well, thanks for the heads up man,” Adam complained. “It would have been helpful.” 

“Because knowing not even twelve hours before would have stopped you from icing her out?” 

There was no verbal answer that Jay could hear and he took the silence as his cue to finish climbing the final few stairs. 

“Hey guys,” Jay said nonchalantly, as if he totally did not just hear every word of their conversation. “Sorry I’m late, got tied up in traffic.” It was a cheap lie that they all easily saw through, but no one chose to address it. 

Inching his way towards his desk, Jay observed how all five of them were huddled around Kim’s desk, which was the closest one to the entryway. ‘No wonder you were able to hear them so clearly,’ Jay thought as he tossed his signature leather jacket over the back of his chair. 

“Voight not here yet?” He continued to make casual observations, waiting for any of them to snap and bring up Erin.

Sitting down, he leaned back in his chair and placed his hands over the back of his head and stared at them, waiting for an answer. 

“I think he had a meeting with a CI,” Kevin finally answered. “He was here for like two minutes this morning and then got a phone call and left.” 

“Actually, he looked kind of pissed so I don’t know if it was a CI,” Hailey commented. 

“He always looks pissed,” Adam joked with a bark of laughter. “I think I can count the number of times on one hand that I have actually seen that man have a different emotion on his face.” 

Soft chuckles bounced around the room until their energy wore out and faded into an awkward silence. Gazes from all six members of the Intelligence Unit flitted to and from each other, anxious for someone to just say something to ignite the conversation they were all itching to have. 

Since it was him that they were going to be talking about, Jay decided to man up and be the first to speak. Fidgeting his hands together and internally cringing at the nervous sweat that had formed on them, he began to tell his and Erin’s story, figuring that starting from the beginning was the only way in which he would be able to get them to understand it all. 

The night before, he and Erin had a long talk about what he would say and do today and how their relationship was to be addressed. In the past, they put a majority of their effort into making sure that they were the picture of professionalism on the job so that, in no way, shape, or form, would anyone be able to know they were together. Both he and her worked too hard to be known and judged for their personal life and they refused to become a bad workplace romance cliché. Of course, the lines were sometimes blurred, but for the most part, their personal life stayed just that: personal. 

Now, all bets were off. Erin wasn’t with the unit anymore and if there was any question before about the kind of detective and man Jay was, they definitely had their answer by now. 

“I’m tired of the secrets Jay,” Erin had admitted with a long sigh. “And I bet they are too. Just tell them whatever you think will make them hate me less.” 

He had responded that they definitely didn’t hate her, but, after the conversation he eavesdropped on, he was no longer sure about that. Therefore, those feelings of uncertainty had him divulging details that went further back than his initial visit to New York, details of his—no, their—life that he wouldn’t ordinarily offer up to even his closest of friends.

For the first time ever, he told them about Abby and how she stirred a hidden monster in him that he had long thought he tamed and locked away for good. Then, he gave as much information as he felt necessary on the behind-the-scenes situation with Bunny and how Erin’s deal had been brokered in an effort to save her mom from a stint in a federal prison. He briefly glazed over how his struggles with his PTSD worsened after he shot and killed that innocent little girl—they had witnessed that horror show and just thinking of her lifeless body had him feeling sick to his stomach—and he described how all of this created a perfect storm that fell in the form of Camilla. 

“I was in such a deep hole and I became convinced that she was the only one who could pull me out,” Jay confessed, his eyes focused on the tip of the open ballpoint pen on his desk. While he had made the conscious decision to tell the story of the past year of his life, he was not ready to face the reactions of the people he was telling it to; they would do nothing but distract him and prevent him from finishing. 

People always used to tell him it was an army thing, the intense pride that he had in maintaining a fully collected outward image to the world. The army was intense and Jay was taught from day one that a soldier had to break it before it broke the soldier. What none of his superiors knew was that Jay already had that lesson memorized before he even thought about signing his name on the recruitment document’s dotted line. 

It was a Halstead thing: always be tough and never let it seem like the world was breaking you into a million miniscule pieces. It was in Jay’s blood to always seem okay and to never let anyone in on whatever suffering he was going through. This conversation, what he was telling the team, was going against everything that he was taught and, while Jay had long reached a level of acceptance on the fact that it was okay to be vulnerable and call out for help at times, it did not mean that he was well versed in the practice. Letting Erin in was one thing, letting in the people who he knew had come to look up to him was another. 

Nevertheless, he kept his gaze locked on that pen and forced the words to spill from his mouth. 

“So, that week that I basically went AWOL, I was in New York and me and her were hashing it out. Before I left, we came to a mutual understanding and decided to give our relationship another go.” Jay shrugged as if this decision was no big deal (even though the fact of the matter said otherwise) and finally found the courage to lift his head to gage what the others were thinking of the story thus far. 

Kim was a jittery mess, rocking back and forth in her chair all while looking like she was holding back the world’s biggest smile. Jay had to take a second to remind himself that she most likely already knew this story and was just excited to see what the most recent chapter was. Kevin mainly looked apprehensive, but Jay delightfully detected hints of understanding and acceptance seeping through. Surprisingly enough, the same could be said of Adam. It was almost as if the knowledge that Erin had left to save a member of her true, blood family was enough to cleanse her of the sin of leaving them, the family pieced together by their superior officer. 

Having already accepted and most likely guessed the backstory to why Erin was in Jay’s apartment the night before Pat’s funeral and then by his side the next day, Antonio’s face bore a neutral expression. Hailey was the surprised wildcard, Jay found. The look on her face was undetectable and indescribable. Annoyance, understanding, sympathy, and, dare he say, anger and pain could just be made out alongside another emotion Jay was unsure if he even wanted to figure out what it was. 

‘Huh,’ he thought to himself as Kevin egged him on to continue. 

“There really isn’t much left to it,” Jay said with another noncommittal shrug. “We did our best to make the long-distance thing work. I flew out to see her whenever I could and we talked all the time—”

“She was the person who kept calling you at odd hours, wasn’t she?” Hailey butted in. “Not some guy from your support group?” Jay merely nodded his head once in response.

“We talked all the time and then she went deep undercover and…” For the first time since he began, Jay faltered in his tale. This part, the part where Erin broke down and cried to him over the life she wanted to have and the ghosts of the one she barely missed out on, was a section of the story that Jay was unsure if the others needed to know. That night, a piece of Erin that even Jay rarely ever got to see came out and he wanted to protect her, and the trust she put in him, at all cost. 

“And then Al died and I went to New York to deliver the news,” he picked up. 

Very quickly, and with minimal detail, he grazed over the details that brought them up to two weeks ago when his father died. Clapping his hands together, he concluded his impromptu story just as they got to Wisconsin. While Erin had given him permission to tell them whatever he wanted, they both mutually agreed that they would wait until she was back in Chicago to share the news of their engagement together. Not only had they wanted to give the team some time to get used to the idea of them being back together and Erin moving back into their lives permanently in two months’ time, but they also wanted to relish in the feeling of being a newly engaged couple just a little bit longer. Yes, their wedding date was rapidly approaching (less than a year away), but Erin did not want to have to stress and worry about that yet. 

“I just want to have a moment to really take it all in that this is going to be my life,” Erin had pleaded to him. Secretly wanting the same thing, Jay wholeheartedly agreed and promised his fiancé that he would keep his lips sealed about their engagement. 

“So…just to be clear, she is moving back here? For good?” Kevin asked once Jay finished talking. 

“Yeah, two months,” Jay confirmed. 

Kevin and Adam nodded their heads slowly. Jay knew the moment they both full digested his story when he watched the two of them share a look and a carefree shrug. 

“Alright my man,” Adam belted out. “I’m happy for you, truly I am. Especially if this is what you want. And tell Linds it’ll be good having her lurk around here again. I was actually starting to miss her.” The cop marched over to Jay and clapped his hand firmly against Jay’s back. Jay held back a smirk as he mentally recalled how not even twenty minutes earlier Adam was questioning what he was even doing with Erin. 

“Tell her yourself,” Jay replied after Kevin shared similar sentiments to Adam’s. “I know she’d love to hear from you.” 

“You know what, maybe I will give her a call,” Kevin contemplated out loud as Kim finally gave into her jitters and flew out of her chair and towards Jay. 

Personal boundaries seemed to have become a thing of the past with the way that she flung herself into his lap and wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders. 

“She sent me a picture of the ring this morning, congratulations!” She faintly whispered in his ears. Jay immediately tensed up at Kim’s comment before his gut feeling relaxed his body for him. That must have been what Erin was beginning to tell him this morning when she unceremoniously got pulled from their phone call by one of her superiors about a case they had picked up. Deciding that he was okay with Kim knowing—especially since she seemed to understand their desire to keep the engagement under wraps for now—Jay gave her a light squeeze before quickly depositing her body off of his lap before their interaction looked too weird for the others. 

Giving Kim a look that clearly told her that they would talk later about the information she had been let in on, Jay sat back and listened to her tell off Adam for questioning her why she just acted in such a manner. 

“So, tell me what I missed while I was away,” Jay requested once a now brightly red-faced Adam retreated back to his desk after Kim successfully berated him for criticizing how she chose to express her happiness that her “favorite couple” was back together again.

Almost immediately, the team began filling him in with all of the details of their most recent case that they managed to close up rather quickly. 

Midway through Hailey’s rant about the young girl being stupid enough to not see just how bad dating a professional robber was, Voight came storming up the stairs, looking like someone ready to commit a murder. 

“Halstead! He barked, his loud and menacing tone causing them all to flinch. “My office. NOW!” Without so much as a look in Jay’s direction, Voight stomped towards the office and slammed his door open with a loud bang! 

Gulping, Jay once again found himself refusing to meet the eyes of his colleagues as he reluctantly pulled his body up out of his chair. Feet dragging only slightly, Jay made his way towards the sergeant’s office, his mind automatically going to the worst possible scenario: Voight was withdrawing his acceptance of their relationship and was either going to fire Jay and make his life a living hell until Jay recanted his marriage proposal; or, Voight was simply going to provide him a top-secret location where they would meet and Voight would murder him and dispose of his body so that no one would ever find it. 

Determining that the second option was the most plausible one, Jay hesitated with shutting the wooden framed door behind him. If he left it open, maybe one of his nosy friends would overhear the location and come to his rescue.

“Shut the door Halstead and sit down.” Voight’s barked demand left Jay with no choice and so he quickly grasped the side of the door and pushed it. He waited until he heard the little click confirm that the room was sealed off before turning around and finding a chair to sit on. Making sure that his body was positioned as straight as he could make it (no way was Voight going to see how nervous he actually was), Jay curved his eyebrow upwards at his boss to goad him into why he called Jay here in the first place. 

“I just spent the better half of my morning so far dealing with Bunny,” Hank spat. “Care to tell me why she is hell bent on seeing Erin and raving like a lunatic in a public setting that I sold her away to New York?” 

Jay’s blood went cold. ‘Fucking Bunny,’ he thought as he launched into telling Voight about how she ran into him and Erin leaving the breakfast diner yesterday morning. 

“Sarge, she was really out of it, I really didn’t think that she was going to even remember seeing Erin, let alone remember what they talked about,” Jay said adamantly. 

“Well, she definitely remembered and is convinced she is going to have me arrested for human trafficking unless I pay her a couple thousand dollars,” Voight growled. His body tilted back in his chair. “Does she know that Erin is moving back?” 

Scoffing at both Bunny’s intentions and Voight’s assumption that Jay and Erin would be stupid enough to let Bunny know the intricate details of their lives, Jay assured the older man that no, she does in fact not know that Erin will be moving back to Chicago. “To be honest, I don’t think Bunny really knew Erin left in the first place,” Jay speculated. “But, Erin made sure to tell her multiple times that she was going back to New York for good so I don’t know what she’s on, but it’s clearly making her more delusional than usual.” 

Voight let out a loud “harrumph” and stared at Jay for longer than he would have liked him to. Resisting the urge to squirm uncomfortably in his seat, Jay stared back into his boss’s brown eyes with just as much intensity. 

“We need to get a grip on her before Erin does come back,” Voight finally said, his harsh tone decreasing slightly. “I don’t want her to come back here all ready for a fresh start just to have that woman shit on it like all the other times she has in the past.” 

“I completely agree,” Jay found himself saying. “I don’t want Erin coming here until we know that Bunny won’t be a problem. She’s ruined too much of Erin’s life I am not letting her ruin any more of it.” 

Voight’s immediate response was a silent one as he began shuffling around the papers on his desk looking for something. “She’s lucky to have you Jay,” the unit’s leader mumbled almost ineligibly. 

Jay’s mouth gaped open and shut a few times as he struggled to find the right way to accept the incredibly high praise that his boss had just given him. But, before he could find the words, Voight was thrusting a slip of paper in his direction. 

“Bunny’s LKA. Take Upton and check it out. If there’s so much as a speck of residue from a line she may or may not have done, bring her in,” he ordered Jay.

“You got it Sarge.” Knowing that Voight would sooner shoot him if he delayed orders to find the proper response to his earlier comment, Jay simply nodded his head and stalked out of the office. 

“Hailey, let’s go!” Jay called out to his partner as he stopped by his desk to retrieve his jacket, keys, badge, and gun. 

“Where are we heading?” Hailey asked, jogging lightly to keep up with his long, determined strides. If for once they could get ahead of Bunny and stop her from creating a mess of all of their lives, Jay was prepared to run himself ragged to do so. 

“An address Voight wants us to check out,” Jay clipped in a tone that he hoped told the blonde there was no room for idle conversation. They were on a mission. 

Hailey seemed to have gotten the hint and chose not to open her mouth again until they were a quarter of the way into their drive to Bunny’s house. 

“So, you and Lindsay?” She asked tentatively, as if there was still a question as to what the relationship status between him and his old partner was. 

“Yeah, me and Lindsay,” Jay breathed out as he expertly swerved in and out of the other cars on the road that were going much slower than he wanted them to be going. 

“And, and you’re good with that? You think it’s a good move for you? Given everything that’s happened?” Her words were light and tentatively spoken. In fact, even in his current single-minded haze, Jay was just able to make out the slight quiver in each of her words. 

“I think that Erin is the best thing to ever happen to me,” Jay said firmly, tearing his eyes away from the road for a second to look Hailey in the eye so that she could see for herself just how sure he was. “So yeah, I’m good, we’re good, me and her.” 

“Okay.” Jay watched Hailey give a tight nod and turn her gaze out the window. A few minutes went by with no words being exchanged between the two. Jay was focused on getting them to their destination and Hailey seemed to be focused on the blurred images of the houses whirring by beside them. 

Finally, just as Jay was turning onto the second to last street needed to bring them to Bunny’s house, Hailey blurted out, “I’m seeing Adam!” 

Jay was so shocked at her confession that he almost slammed on the breaks of his truck. 

“Adam? Like Adam Ruzek?” He croaked out, too shocked to even formulate anything more than that. 

“Yeah,” Hailey mumbled. Her face was turned away from Jay, making it damn near impossible for him to get a read of it. “Like Adam Ruzek.” 

“Okay, wow, uh, congratulations? Good for you? I uh, I don’t know what you want me to say here Hails,” Jay tried awkwardly. It was weird for him to think about the two of them together, even without the looming threat of Bunny taking up most of his mind. Adam was a good guy and one of his very close friends, but Jay was not dumb enough to ignore his unfortunate track record with the woman he chose to date. And Hailey…Hailey had become one of his best friends in the past year or so and he knew that he cared for her very deeply. He did not want to see her get wrecked by Adam Ruzek. But, he also knew that he was in no position to lecture her on getting into a relationship with the cop and he would be a hypocrite if he talked bad about starting a work place romance. 

“I don’t even know what I want you to say,” Hailey whispered. Jay momentarily forgot about Bunny as he puzzled over the fact that Hailey sounded almost…disappointed…in him. What did she have to be disappointed for? 

“I just, I think I just wanted to tell someone. All that talk about you coming clear with your own relationship made me want to do the same I guess,” she continued. 

For the second time that morning, Jay found himself at a total loss for words. Thankfully, like earlier, the distraction of another task saved him from having to think too hard on it. 

“This is the street,” Jay feebly pointed out. Turning sharply onto the road, Jay slowed the truck down so that it was going no more than ten miles per hour so he wouldn’t miss Bunny’s house. 

House, he realized, was a relative term. It was obvious that Jay had just driven the two of them into a very bad part of the city. The homes were all in some sort of depleted state, with most of the windows on them boarded up with slabs of plywood. All of the lawns were unkempt with excess of liter and junk on all of them and a few of the “better” looking houses had AC units half falling out of the few windows that were not boarded up. 

“Number 167,” Jay announced once he pulled up in front of the address Voight had handed off to him. He took a moment to check out the place from the outside before he unclipped his seatbelt and got out of the truck. 

It looked like all of the other houses on the street. Some windows were boarded up and the lawn was an unkempt mess. Though, Jay was pleasantly surprised to realize, it seemed void of whatever buildup of junk the other lawns had accrued and the front porch had various little pots of flowers lined up on it. Upon further inspection, Jay saw that the flowers were all dead or dying, but he had to give it to Bunny: the thought had been there. 

But, of course she couldn’t pull herself together enough to save even the tiniest of plant from dying on her. 

“So, you finally going to tell me what we’re doing here?” Hailey inquired. Gone was all traces of earlier tentativeness. Hailey, Jay was thrilled (and relieved) to realize, was now in full detective mode. Jay decided then and there this was the version of Hailey that he liked the best; the version of herself that was no-nonsense and ready to get the job done and have his back no matter the cost. 

“This is where Bunny, Erin’s mom, supposedly lives,” Jay began to explain. “Voight met with her this morning and she is preparing to make some pretty wild and nasty allegations and he wants to be on top of it.”

“Erin’s mom? What?” Hailey was confused and Jay couldn’t blame her. There was really no proper way to explain Bunny Fletcher to anybody and Hailey had the misfortune of not being around all of the times in the more recent years that Bunny decided to fuck up everyone’s lives. 

“Look, it’s a long story but Voight wants her to be taken care of and quite frankly, so do I. She’s definitely using again and Voight just wants us to scope out the house to find any reason to bring her in and lock her up.” 

“O-okay.” Jay knew that Hailey knew she had no choice but to go along with what he had brought her here to do. 

“If we’re lucky, she won’t be here and we can round up some rookie on patrol to round her up,” Jay hoped out loud as he finally pulled himself out of the driver’s seat. With elongated steps, he strode up to the front door (narrowly missing plonking his foot down on top of the broken deck board) and knocked hard and loud.

“Chicago PD!” He shouted in between knocks. He softly counted to ten before he placed his hand on the door handled and turned it. The door cracked open and Jay gently nudged his way inside. 

The floors creaked with each step he and Hailey took, but the noise appeared to have alerted no one to their presence inside the house. As quietly as they could, the two detective scoured each room in the house. Surprisingly, they found very little: only a few potentially incriminating photographs of Bunny making crude gestures with an oddly shaped bong and snorting a line of cocaine off of a coffee table while her friends cheered her on. 

All of her rooms were almost void of decoration and furniture and it sickened Jay to no end that not once in the house did he find even the slightest indication that Bunny was a mother. 

For a woman who claimed to love her children so much, she sure had a funny way of showing her devotion to them. 

“Well, this was a fucking bust,” Jay shouted over to Hailey, who was busy sorting through something she had found in the room next to the kitchen area he was currently standing in after having pulled out every one of the drawers and investigated every nook and cranny it had to offer. 

“Yeah, I got nothing! Except,” Jay’s body jolted forward at the insinuation that Hailey may have found something that was somewhat worthwhile. “Did you know that she and Voight were once really close? Look at all of these pictures she has saved of the two of them.” Hailey held up a handful of old photographs for Jay to take a look at. 

The burst of excitement he felt deflated from his body as he grabbed hold of the pictures and began rifling through them, too curious at what he might see if he chose to merely cast them aside. 

Jay was shocked by the long range of time that seemed to pass from each photo to the next. He always knew that Bunny and Voight had some kind of history together, but Jay had always assumed that their paths first crossed when Voight joined the force. Erin rarely said much about her mother and Voight, but she never negated his speculation on the rare occasion it had been brought up. However, judging by some of these photos, Voight seemed to have known Bunny well before he even signed up for the Academy. 

Why would Bunny choose to keep these old photographs, but not any of her own children? Jay wondered to himself. 

“They’re probably nothing,” Hailey continued when Jay didn’t say anything. “I just found them interesting.” 

Jay didn’t have the heart to tell her that, with Bunny, it was always something. 

Taking his phone out and snapping a couple pictures for his own sake, Jay tossed the photos back to her and instructed her to put them back where she found them.

“Bunny isn’t here and I don’t think we’re going to find anything else today. I’m gonna tell Platt to have a patrol car drive down here every once in a while to see if she shows back up. This place is too empty and I have a feeling that she’s actually really up to something and I want to know what it is,” he said darkly. Now that the words had been spoken out loud, Jay’s mind seemed to catch up to the fact that the house was really fucking empty. 

‘Some detective you are,’ Jay chided himself as he thought about how the walls were honestly too bare and the furniture too minimal. What did that mean? Jay had been to her previous home before this one and he remembered being a little creeped out by all of the odds and end decorative items she had overindulged on. He recalled how proud Bunny was to give him and Erin a tour of her and her then husband’s home and how she made sure to point out some of her more prized possessions that had way more sentimental value than Jay ever believed she could hold onto. 

There was no trace of any of those pieces in this new place of hers, not one. 

“Jay?” Hailey’s voice called him back to the present. “Where did you go?” 

“Something’s not right here,” Jay muttered. “Something’s not right here at all.”


	17. Chapter 17

Erin glanced around her apartment one last time, shards of unexpected sadness piercing her each time her eyes fell upon a different, newly emptied space. She had not planned on feeling this sort of way—it was not like she was truly going to miss New York—but, in an odd sort of way, this place, this apartment, had become her home away from home. It was the first place where she actually had to stand on her own two feet and make decisions for herself and with no one else speaking in her ear trying to influence her. Plus, as her eyes flickered towards the place’s large floor to ceiling window and lingered on the corner where she had confessed to Jay months prior that she was still in love with him and watched as his usual, cocky demeanor melted away as he struggled to properly respond, Erin realized that she had some pretty good memories attached to the city. Of course, all of those good memories were, in one way or another, connected to Jay Halstead, which was enough to tell her that the choice she was making to move back to Chicago to be with him was a good one. 

Jay brought a type of good to her life that no one—not her mother, not Hank and Camille, not the Unit, not her friends, not anybody—could bring to her life and she did not have to dig deep to know that she would be the world’s biggest idiot to not hold onto him with everything she had, especially since it was a miracle he was even hers again to hold. 

Shaking her head, Erin pulled out her phone and checked the ETA for the Uber she had ordered to bring her to the airport. Seeing that her driver was still a good ten minutes away, Erin allowed herself the luxury of enjoying the view from the floor to ceiling windows one last time. Lowering herself into the same spot that she was reminiscing about just moments before, Erin’s eyes and mind got lost amongst the thick sea of people below her. Watching them, as well as the excess amount of cars that slowly passed by her building, Erin thought about just how much she was not going to miss that: the busy atmosphere that never seemed to take a moment to chill out and breathe. Chicago was no sleepy town, but it was no New York either and, no matter what nonsense her mother was now wrapped up in, she was excited to be a resident of the city once more. 

Her mother. God, if there was one thing that made her hesitant about returning, it was Bunny. Not even the promise of a life with Jay was sturdy enough to maintain against the storm that was her mother. Jay had filled her in some about the showdown Bunny apparently had with Hank the day after she and Jay ran into her at the diner. He had also told her that he, Voight, and Platt made sure cops were patrolling by her place at least once a day for any sign of her. 

“We’re missing something Er,” Jay had told her three days after he had searched her house. “With the way the place looked and how she demanded money from Hank, I don’t know, something’s up.” 

Jay’s words concerned her then, and they still managed concerned her now. Especially since, two months later, Bunny seems to have completely disappeared. According to Jay, no one has seen or heard from her or about her. Not Hank, who reluctantly reached out to her once a week out of devotion to Erin and wanting her return to be nothing but “smooth sailing.” Not Jay, who took the time to call in every favor that he could to track the woman down. Not any of their CIs who might have connections to Bunny, whether they may be an “old friend” or one of her many dealers. Not even Erin, who got so fed up last month that her mother was pulling shit like this again, and called her three times a day every day for a week. 

“She’s hopped into a hole and probably got buried in it,” Hank told Erin over the phone a week and a half earlier. 

She had been assured by Jay and Hank that she had nothing to worry about, but Erin knew better. The last time her mother pulled a disappearance act like this one, it ended up with both of them staring down the end of a sawed off shot gun and Hank barely making it there in time to save their lives. And when she had told Hank and Jay as much, the two swore that they would not stop looking for clues as to what the vile woman was doing. 

But that was a month ago when they weren’t swamped down with high profile cases. One after another, Jay barely had time to text her an “I love you” each night, let alone chase after the psychotic woman who did the bare minimum to raise her. So, here she was, two months later with no knowledge of her mother’s whereabouts and deciding that she only semi-gave a damn about it. Yes, she was concerned, but her concern was categorized as purely selfish. Bunny could do whatever she damn well pleased, just as long as she did not mess around with the life Erin was trying to build for herself. And judging by the way Bunny seemed to have remembered the next day that she had seen and talked to Erin that day in the diner, Erin had a sneaky suspicion that she had not seen the last of her mother. 

Before she had any more time to dwell on one of the only stressors currently in her life (which, all things considered, wasn’t too bad), the chiming of her cellphone alerted her that her ride was waiting for her outside. Clambering to her feet and hastily brushing specks of imaginary dust of the front and back legs of her dark-washed jeans, Erin sighed as she indulged in one true last look of the apartment that, in less than a minute, would no longer be hers. 

“Goodbye New York,” Erin whispered to herself as she grabbed onto the single, large suitcase and two duffle bags that contained nothing more than a small portion of her clothes, most of her shoes, and a few miscellaneous items such as jewelry, hair and body products, and small framed photographs that had not made it in the initial pack up of her apartment three weeks prior. 

Granted a rare weekend off, Jay decided to rent a moving truck and drive it to New York himself so that he and Erin could bang out as much as they could together so that she would not be left to pack up the apartment on her own. The two decided to donate most of her furniture, but things like her guest room furniture, bed, and large living room couch they decided could be of use to them in the future. So, she and Jay spent one day loading them into the moving truck and the other day packing up any decorations that she deemed necessary to bring back to Chicago with her. Erin had laughed at Jay every time he complained about boxing up one of her many decorative pieces that had been scattered throughout the place. 

“If you think I am living in a place that has nothing but sports memorabilia on the walls, you got another one coming,” was what Erin sniped back at each of his grumblings. Jay just continued grumbling on how he didn’t see a problem with that as he dutifully packed up her desired nick knacks that consisted mostly of fake plants (because the real ones would definitely die under her watch), large pictures and posters, and little doodads that she found in a home store one day with a coworker and thought were cute. The two had also sorted through her clothes, bedding, towels, and kitchenware and loaded those up into the truck as well. 

“Are you sure you’re going to be able to handle unpacking all of this?” Erin had asked wearily once they completely finished packing her stuff up late Sunday afternoon. Staring into the back of the truck neither of them had been able to make out any free space; she had way more stuff to bring back to Chicago than either really anticipated on her having. 

“Oh yeah,” Jay had assured her confidently. “I already enlisted the whole unit and Will to help me put all of it into the storage unit you picked out.” 

Quirking an eyebrow up at him, Erin had responded, “You got Ruzek to agree to do manual labor for you?” 

“So…I may have embellished on what exactly I needed him to do,” Jay had cheekily relinquished with a laugh. “But don’t worry, we’ll get it all done with minimal damage.”

Unfortunately, Erin did worry, especially when she got a text from Kim that contained a picture of Jay and Kevin attempting to unload her couch with Adam laying down on top of it. 

Kim, Erin thought as she stepped out of the elevator and made her way to the building’s front doors, had been a Godsend. It was in a sheer girlish moment that Erin decided that she needed to tell someone other than Hank that she was engaged and had quickly shot a picture of her ring and sent it to Kim before she could regret it. Since that moment, Kim had been gathering up all of the information that she could on the type of wedding Erin wanted, promising that she would help plan it to make sure that the day was perfect. 

‘Just as Jay predicted,’ the voice in Erin’s head reminded her as she watched the Uber driver get out and help load her bags into the trunk of his car. The thought of Jay had Erin pulling out her phone and discreetly snapping a picture of the driver’s actions. 

On my way to the airport…only a few more hours until I’m home. Attaching the photo and adding a red heart emoji to her text, Erin pressed send on the message and slipped her phone back in her pocket, knowing that Jay was most likely too busy with the current case that the team was working on to respond. 

“Heading anywhere good?” The Uber driver asked conversationally from the front seat as he put the car into gear and pulled out of his parked spot in front of her former building. 

With one last glance upwards, Erin looked ahead and said, “I’m actually moving back home, in Chicago.” 

//

“Erin! Erin! Over here!” Kim’s overly excited voice greeted Erin nearly five hours later when she stepped off of the escalator that brought her up to the baggage claim area in O’Hare. 

“Hey Kim,” Erin said, her face splitting into a wide smile. “I’ve missed you!” Kim jogged towards her and pulled her into a tight embrace. 

“Welcome home,” the brown-eyed brunette said affectionately while tightening her squeeze on Erin. “Jay’s so pissed he couldn’t pick you up, but Sarge really needed his help with the two kids involved in the case. If it was any old case, he probably wouldn’t mind, but a member of CFD is involved and it needs to be solved ASAP because his pension is involved—”

“Kim! Kim!” Erin exclaimed with a laugh as she wiggled loose from her friend’s grips. “I know, I get it. Jay texted me and told me what was up. I saw it when I turned my phone back on.” Looping her arm with her friend’s, Erin began leading them towards the baggage carousel. “Besides, I’m glad he sent you to get me, we can have a mini girl’s night until Jay gets back.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Erin Lindsay?” Kim joked. Erin laughed and shrugged at the question. 

“Blame the movie that was showing on the flight here,” Erin called over her shoulder while she made her ways towards the luggage that was now circling around the area on the machine. Quickly spotting her suitcase and the bigger of her two duffle bags, Erin lugged them off the carousel. 

“So, how have things been? Jay says work’s been really busy lately,” Erin conversed once the two were situated in Kim’s car and on their way towards Jay’s—no, their—apartment. 

Kim let out a loud, dramatic groan at her words. “Oh my gosh, you have no idea! It’s literally been one case after another after another. And not easy cases either, like big, complex cases that just mess with your head.” Erin flinched at her friend’s last comment. 

Shortly after she left for New York after their Wisconsin trip, Jay was calling her drunk from a bar going on about how the war was a part of him, but not who he really was. Fearful for him, Erin simultaneously had tried to talk him down and get in touch with someone to get him home before he did anything stupid. Later the next day, she found out that his PTSD had been triggered once more, this time by a case involving a former serviceman bombing a mosque because of how much the building and those who frequented it brought him back to his time overseas. 

“Er, I-I-I thought I was better than that, I thought I was good at differentiating and not judging,” Jay had cried to her the next day when he called to explain and apologize for his actions the night before. Her heart ached for him as he told her how he gave the guilty man the benefit of the doubt just because he had served and how rash and cruel he had been when dealing with the Muslim woman who he truly believed was hiding a bomb underneath her clothing. 

“Jay…what you went through…what you still go through…it’s okay.” To this day, Erin hated how she struggled to find the right words to say to him and how, in the end, she had come up short. It was no surprise to her when Jay ended the phone call with the declaration he was going to start attending group sessions once again. 

Erin had been fully supportive when he felt that he had gotten what he could out of therapy and the sessions at the Veteran’s Support Center and she was fully supportive of his decision to go back—a decision that she knew he struggled to come to in the first place. 

“It makes me feel weak,” he had told her after his first session back. Reassuring him that he was anything but, Erin shared with him for the first time some of her own experiences with therapy and how worthless and little she felt that she was unable to put herself back together on her own. 

“If you think that therapy makes you weak Jay, then what am I?” Erin retorted, promptly shutting down all of Jay’s fears at the reminder that she was his equal and needing therapy to get through something did not change that. 

“Jay been filling you in some I take it?” Kim gently probed when she presumably noticed how lost in thought Erin had gotten. 

Erin gave an affirming nod. “Some. How have you been handling it? Last week couldn’t have been easy.” Last week Kim and Hailey had been kidnapped and Erin spent a good portion of her day hiding out in her office trying to quell the rising anger and panic she felt over the fact that she was not there with her former team searching for her friend and her fiancé’s partner. 

“About as easy as being chained up in a basement while two thugs decided what to do with you can be,” Kim said with a humorless laugh. “Hailey got the worst of it though. So, I don’t really know how much I can complain compared to all of the beatings she went through.” 

Erin reached over and touched her hand to her friend’s arm in comfort. “Kim, you got kidnapped and almost died. You’re allowed to complain as much as you want. And if that’s what you need to do and you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone on the team about it, well, good thing I’m not with the team anymore, eh?” She watched as Kim briefly turned her head towards her and smiled gratefully. 

“I appreciate that Erin, really I do. But…” Kim hesitated for a second before blurting out, “I wish more than anything that you were coming back as a member of the team. It’s just not the same without you and, and things with Hailey have been getting better but she’s no you and I’m just so alone up there. Especially now with Al gone and Antonio trying to sort out his problems. I could really use a good, solid friend in the unit you know? Part of the reason I always wanted to be in Intelligence was because of you and then I joined and you left and I miss you.” 

Erin stared at her friend in shock. Never once had Kim said anything like that to her, their conversations were always lighthearted and fun and full of gossip. But, Erin realized sadly, Kim must have just been waiting to bring this up when they were face to face because this really wasn’t a conversation to have over the phone. She knew all too well now just how badly everyone had been hurt when she left suddenly in the night. Conversations with Jay and then text messages exchanged between her, Adam, and Kevin clued her into the fact that yes, people, not just Jay and Hank, were heartbroken when she was gone. It was an alarming moment of clarity for her. Having gone through so much of her life knowing that no one cared if she lived or died, it was soul crushing to find out that her preconceived notion of herself and how others must have viewed her was wrong…really incredibly wrong. 

After finding Nadia dead on that beach, it was the second hardest she had ever cried in her life. 

“Kim, I am so incredibly sorry and if I could come back, you know I would in a heartbeat. But, I can’t. I got stripped.” Erin would never regret what she did that day in the interrogation room, but with time, she realized that she was not proud of her actions and she definitely could have acted in a more professional manner. Too many years of being Hank’s protegee was not an excuse for her actions and Erin found that, in the dead of the night when she would try and defend herself, she no longer could come up with justifiable reasons for why she did what she did. 

No regrets though, other than that maybe had she acted earlier, then she wouldn’t have gotten caught and that little boy wouldn’t have died. 

But that was the past…today was the official start of her new future. 

Kim spluttered incoherently, struggling to decide if she was going to say what was on her mind or not. Erin knew it was only a matter of time before Kim eventually came out with it; keeping things to herself was never her specialty. 

“Hank’s trying, you know? To get you reinstated so that you can rejoin the team!” Erin felt the color drain from her face at the confession. 

Hank was trying to get her badge back for her? How was that even an option?

“If he could, would you come back?” The excessively hopeful tone had Erin’s stomach plummeting faster than a rock falling from the top of a building. 

Would she come back? Would she be able to handle it? Would she even want to?

“I don’t know Kim,” Erin breathed out in defeat over not knowing any of the answers to the questions that were now currently attacking her mind. “I don’t know.” 

An awkward silence fell over the two friends as they both let the gravity of the situation fall on them: Erin may have a shot at coming back, but she might not even want it. And the teeny, tiny part of her that did was completely unsure if she would even be able to do the job she had been pushed out of faster than her decision to stick a loaded gun down a man’s throat. 

Being an FBI agent had broken her, shattered her into a million little pieces. And while Jay had been able to gather all those pieces up and put her back together again, some were still missing and, in regards to being a detective, they were the pieces needed to make it possible for her to do the job once more. 

“I don’t know,” Erin whispered one last time, soft enough that Kim was unable to hear her over the music that had been playing on the radio. With a shake of her head that was meant to shuffle all of the questions over to one compartment of her brain where they could be locked away and not be revisited until an unspecified later date, Erin turned her attention back to Kim. Her friend was remarkably good at bouncing back from all things deemed unpleasant and she was not disappointing right now as she began rattling off all of the ideas that she had come up for Jay’s and Erin’s upcoming nuptials. 

“We have to go wedding dress shopping ASAP because the one piece of advice that everyone told me when I was trying to plan my wedding to Adam was that the dress dictates the venue, what the bridesmaids and groomsman wear, everything! So…like want to go this week if we solve this case soon and don’t catch another one?” 

“Um, yeah! That sounds great,” Erin agreed. “But, uh, isn’t that a lot of pressure to put on a dress?” With the way Kim started to laugh, she began to feel stupid for asking. 

“What’s the point of having anything but a courthouse wedding if you don’t put any thought into the dress?” Kim speculated jovially. “Actually, come to think of it, I’m surprised you and Jay decided not to do a court house wedding. Why didn’t you?”

Shrugging, Erin spun together some half-assed answer about wanting something a bit more personal. Truth of the matter was, and she would never even think to tell Jay this, alongside what she did tell Jay that day in Wisconsin, she wanted to have some kind of wedding that featured a dress and a guest list and a venue because he already did the simple and easy wedding. What happened with Abby was such a touchy subject for the both of them and Erin wanted nothing associated with her wedding that would remind her of what went down between Jay and the girl he drunkenly married. 

“Well, whatever the reason,” Kim began, clearly seeing through Erin and knowing there was much more to the answer than what she said. “I think it’s great that you two are together again. I swear, you should have seen me screaming when I saw the picture you sent me of the ring, which, by the way, is gorgeous! Halstead has good taste!”

“It was his mom’s,” Erin said with a smile as she glanced shyly down at the diamond ring that sat shining on her finger. Kim was right, the ring was gorgeous. Simple and elegant; exactly the kind of ring Erin would have dreamt up had she believed marriage was in her cards. 

Kim gushed over the ring a bit longer before switching gears back to Erin’s wedding dress. 

“I know just the place we can go!” She exclaimed, snapping her fingers together as they stopped at a red light. “Ugh, can you just go to Voight and see if he will give me a day off so we can go? If it’s for you and you asking, I’m sure he’ll agree!”

Laughing, but knowing that Kim was definitely right, Erin agreed with a promise that she would see what she could do. With that settled, Kim spent the remainder of the drive to the apartment talking about which kind of dress styles she thought would look best on Erin. 

//

It was nearing midnight when Jay quietly slipped inside his apartment. Making sure to gently shut the door so the clicking of the lock wouldn’t disturb Erin if she was asleep, Jay did his best to soundlessly kick his boots off of his feet and line them up next to Erin’s. Next to Erin’s…she was here. In Chicago. For good. Despite his exhaustive state, Jay felt the happiest he had been since she agreed to marry him. 

Tip toing his way down the hallway, he was ready to turn towards his bedroom when strands of hair laying over the side of the couch’s arm caught his attention. Erin…she must have wanted to wait up for him, Jay realized with a slight pang at the thought of her arriving in her new home and sitting around all by herself waiting for him to relieve her loneliness. 

Shuffling over towards her, Jay crouched down beside her sleeping body and took a moment to just watch her chest rise and fall with each breath she took. Sleeping Erin was one of his favorite sides of Erin. When asleep, she just looked so peaceful, as if the horrors in her life had been a figment of imagination and had not actually marred her. Studying her form as she slept, Jay noted that her mouth was cracked open slightly and she was wearing nothing but one of his old flannel shirts. Not really wanting to wake her, but also not wanting to let her spend her first official night home in Chicago sleeping on his couch either, he reached out and shook her shoulder gently. 

“Er, babe, let’s get you to a real bed,” Jay whispered softly as he watched her eyelids flutter open and shut in attempts to adjust to the lack of light in the room. 

“Jay?” Shivers went through his body at the husky sound of his name falling from her lips. He’d die for that sound a thousand times. “That you?” 

Brushing a hand against her forward before running it through her long locks that seemed to have gained a few inches since he last saw her three weeks prior, Jay confirmed that it was indeed him. “Yeah, it’s me. I’m sorry I’m so late.” Sorry was an understatement; Jay had been absolutely crushed that he was unable to collect her from the airport and be the one to drive her back to the apartment they now shared together. 

“S’okay, I understand,” Erin mumbled, groggily lifting her arms up so that he would know she wanted him to pick her up. Obliging, Jay secured his arms around her body and carefully lifted her from the couch.

“Welcome home,” he said softly before pressing a light kiss against her temple and brushing his nose against her hair. His words seemed to have ignited something in her because the next thing Jay knew, Erin was twisting around in his arms until her legs were wrapped around his waist and her arms were loosely draped around his neck. Halting his movements to see what she would do, he stared into her eyes and did his best to convey in his own just how happy and grateful that he was that she was now here, with him, forever. 

Judging by the way she passionately kissed him on the lips, Jay reckoned that his silent message in the dark had been received. 

It did not matter how tired the both of them may have been, their minds and bodies seemed to have come to life once their lips connected together. Heat flared up from the tip of his toes and ran up his body until he could no longer think properly. All Jay knew in this moment was that Erin was kissing him hard and she was kissing him good. Both of their arms tightened around the other as Jay stumbled down the hallway while they were still lip-locked. Just as he turned around and used the strength of his back and legs to shove his bedroom door open, Erin’s tongue pried his lips open and engaged in a full on battle with his own. 

Moaning at the sinful sensations her actions were making him feel, Jay blindly made his way towards his bed and, despite the intensity of their little make-out session, laid Erin down with such a such a gentleness he may as well have been handling a newborn. Once she was down, Jay took a moment to stand over her and take in the sight of her now sprawled out on his bed. In the dark, he could just make out how swollen her lips already were and how flushed her cheeks had become. His shirt was askew, making her right shoulder entirely visible since one sleeve hung off of it and the bottom was bunched up to nearly her belly button. Jay bit back a groan at the sight of the lacey piece of fabric she wore for underwear. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he praised as he propped himself over her, making sure to rest all of his weight on his two arms so that his much larger body wouldn’t crush her smaller, petite one. “You’re beautiful and I love you.” He dipped his head downwards and captured her lips against his own once more, this time taking his time to savor the feeling of how they felt against his own. 

It wasn’t until he pressed the lower half of his body against her own did Erin pull away with a breathy gasp and say in a sultry tone, “I love you too and I am so happy to finally be home.” 

Jay wasted no time reconnecting his lips against her own. Trailing his hands down the length of her chest, her rested them on the bottom of the shirt she was wearing and slowly tugged the material upwards. Erin, catching on to what he wanted, unlocked her arms from around his neck and assisted Jay in peeling the material off of her body. 

“Fair is fair,” she mumbled against his lips when she reenacted the same motions with his own shirt. 

“Fair is fair,” Jay smirked with a reluctant pull away from her body so that he could yank his Henley tee off. Tossing it over his shoulder, Jay let out an unrestrained groan at the sight of her bare chest rising and falling at a rapid pace to match the deep breaths emitting from Erin’s mouth. 

Not knowing what he ever could have done in his life to warrant such a woman in his life, Jay chose not to dwell on the specifics and the unanswered question; he much preferred worshipping the body of the woman below him. 

Three weeks, in retrospect, was not that long ago, but with the way both of them reacted to the other’s careful ministrations on their bodies, one would have thought that it had been years since they had been together in such an intimate way. Body aching at the primitive way his name sounded rolling off of her tongue, Jay had to utilize every ounce of self-control he had to make sure that she was properly taken of before he allowed himself to be indulged. 

“Love you,” Jay sighed, sounding as shattered as he felt when finally their bodies became one. 

Erin’s only response was to suck the tender spot on his neck while her nails raked up and down his back. 

Jay had no qualms about it: being with Erin in this way was his own personal Garden of Eden. He needed nothing more than her and he’d sooner damn himself than risk losing her again. 

When both of their releases had been found, Jay no longer had the strength to prop his body up over Erin’s and his mind was too clouded with pleasure to even think about whether or not his body was crushing hers. 

“I, I can’t…I can’t believe that we’ll now get to do that every night for the rest of our lives,” Jay managed to stutter into the crook of her neck, which was where his head was resting. Beads of sweat were dripping down his forehead and he knew that Erin was most definitely going to make them take a shower before they finally allowed themselves to succumb to the sleep they both desperately needed. 

“Yeah,” was all Erin could say in response. Had he not felt so spent himself, Jay would have teased her mercilessly over the fact that he had quite literally knocked the sense out of her. 

They remained wrapped up with each other for a little bit longer before, as predicted, Erin found the strength and sense to order him to take a shower with her to wash the sweat off of them. 

“No funny business,” she wearily warned as she trudged towards the direction of the bathroom. Luckily for her, Jay chose not to heed her warning and was especially attentive to cleaning her up before bed. 

“Want to borrow another one of my shirts?” Jay offered after their shower. He had quickly found a pair of clean boxers and sweats and threw them on. Turning around when Erin didn’t respond, he noticed that she was standing in a few inches behind him still wrapped up in her damp towel and shivering. 

“Long sleeve please,” she requested. Tossing his most comfortable long sleeve t-shirt her way (a well-worn, navy blue Henley), he found himself needing to turn his head the other way when she let the towel unceremoniously drop to her feet before she pulled the soft material of the shirt over her head. 

“Go to bed,” Erin suggested. “I just need to find a pair of underwear to put on and then I’ll join you.” Biting back the comment he wanted to make about her not wearing any underwear, Jay simply complied with her words and shuffled over to his bed. With the bottom half of his body tucked under the covers, Jay gazed upon Erin as she dug through the suitcase she had brought with her today. A quick glance over at the alarm clock on the side of the bed told Jay that it was too late in the night (or too early in the morning depending how you were to look at it) to allow his mind to ponder upon just how good the back of her looked from his viewpoint. 

Seconds later, Erin was letting out a victorious “gotcha!” and was bounding over to the bed. There was an occasional wince in her step, Jay noticed victoriously. 

“I really did mean what I said earlier,” Erin called out into the dark a short while later after she cocooned herself under the covers and against his shirtless body. Her words were dripping with drowsiness, but Jay only felt euphoria when she said, “I am so happy to finally be home, with you.” 

Dipping his head down and pressing a chaste kiss on the first part of her body that his lips could find, he let out a resounding, “me too,” before allowing his body to succumb to the immense tiredness that had plagued him throughout the day. The last thing he heard before he completely drifted off was Erin mumbling a soft, “I love you,” into his chest; the last thought that he had was that he loved her too…so, so much. 

//

Wafts of sweet and bitter mixed scents were what drew Erin out of bed the next morning. Wiping the sleep from her eyes, she reluctantly padded out of the room and down the hall to wherever the glorious smells were coming from. 

“Figured donuts from your favorite place and a strong batch of coffee would get you up,” Jay commented when she turned the corner into the spacious kitchen area—a space that they both knew she would spend as little time in as possible. 

“You went to Stephanie’s?” Erin perked up at Jay’s words and bounded towards where the familiar pink box sat opened on the kitchen table. 

“I went to Stephanie’s,” Jay confirmed with a grin. Despite the dark bags under his eyes, Erin was touched by how thrilled he was that he was able to excite her so early in the morning. “I figured your first full day living here deserved a little something special to start it off. Especially since I probably won’t be around at all today.” Just like that, Erin watched the joy in his eyes fade away at the thought of leaving her all alone in the apartment once more. 

“Babe,” she said, circling over to him and wrapping her arms around his shirt covered waste. “First, thank you. I don’t think I even knew how much I missed having a donut from Stephanie’s until I saw the box on the table. And second, don’t worry about me being here. I get it, you have a job and that job is demanding. Besides,” she paused to let out a few small giggles before continuing. “I’d hate to think about what kind of trouble we’d get into if we were stuck inside all day together.” 

Erin’s lips curled upwards deviously at the sounds of Jay groaning in frustration. 

“Go eat your damn donut,” he dismissed her before she gave him reason to actually consider blowing off work to find out all the different kinds of trouble that they could get in. Full on laughing now, Erin all but skipped back over to the kitchen table and pulled her all-time favorite blueberry donut out of the box. Licking the excess glaze off of her fingers, she pointed over to the pot of coffee that had previously gone unnoticed on the counter. 

“Pour me a cup?” She requested as she drew her sugary up to her mouth and took a bite. 

Jay teasingly asked her for the magic word, but it didn’t make any difference because he had already dutifully began pouring her a large, steaming mug full of the hopefully strong liquid. 

“Such a good house husband,” Erin teased, accepting the cup and taking a big gulp of it. “Ugh, I forgot how good you make your coffee!”

“At least I’m good for something,” Jay joked while pouring himself a mug-full and then joining her at the kitchen table. 

They enjoyed their breakfast in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both of them content with just being in the presence of the other. It was such a simple thing, eating breakfast together, but both were silently thinking about how they would never tire of doing this every morning together. Their time apart for those eighty-seven days had taught them that, if anything, they needed each other in their lives and they were never going to take for granted the time that they did have together now ever again. 

“So, Kim was saying you guys got a case involving a CFD member?” Erin finally broke the silence when she was halfway through her second donut, a crazy apple cinnamon concoction. “How’s that going?”

“Man, it’s a mess,” Jay grimaced as he finished the last sip of his coffee. “There are these two teenagers involved and we’re all but going to be using one as bait today and it’s just…it’s been a lot. Especially since everyone but the 51 guys think we’re coming after them and are hesitant to even say hi to us, let alone help us out with the case.”

Erin frowned sympathetically at how haggard Jay became at the mention of the team’s current case and she immediately felt bad for bringing it up. “Yeah, that’s what Kim was saying.” Erin purposely left her response vague and worded it in such a way that she knew Jay would latch onto her words and turn it into something else. 

Since Jay discovered that Erin prematurely told her friend the news of their engagement, he got it into his head that all the two of them did when they got together was gush about their love lives. As a result, whenever Kim was mentioned, he made it a point to tease her mercilessly each time about it. 

“Oh yeah?” Jay did not fail to get caught in the clever trap she left for him. Mirth began building up in his eyes as he waggled his eyebrows suggestively and asked, “What else did you and Kim talk about while I was gone?” 

Laughing at how ridiculous his facial expressions were, Erin filled him in about all that the two had talked about during their car ride over. “We might go look at wedding dresses later this week,” she said, unable to mask the disbelief in her tone. Despite the fact that she was now here, in Chicago, having donuts and coffee for breakfast with Jay while wearing his mother’s engagement ring as her own, she still could not believe that this was her life, that it wasn’t all a dream: a beautiful, bliss-filled dream. It was so much better than that; it was her actual life. 

“Sounds like fun,” Jay said with a knowing smile that told he knew just what she was thinking and feeling. “I can’t wait to see what you two pick out on our wedding day.” Erin blushed at his words and bashfully dipped her head sideways. 

“It won’t be anything too extravagant,” Erin pondered out loud. “I may have been able to save up a lot of money working in New York since part of my deal with the FBI included them paying for my apartment but I don’t want to blow it all on a dress, especially since I am currently unemployed.” She paused and then added as an afterthought, “Not that working in a women’s shelter is a very lucrative job position anyway.” 

“I’m positive that you will looking fucking gorgeous in whatever you pick out,” Jay promised with immense sincerity. “And as for the money, we’ll figure it out. I promise. Even if I have to go back to working a second job at that pot company we will make it work.” 

“You are not going back there,” Erin swore darkly. “I’ll work three jobs before I even let you consider going back there.” Too many horrible memories were associated with that place: Terry dying and the knowledge that the boss wanted to screw her fiancé topped the list. 

“Okay, well, even with that out of the question, I promise, we will figure it out. Together,” Jay vowed, reaching his hand across the kitchen table to wrap around her own with a gentle squeeze. Together…they were going to figure their lives out together. The thought was so foreign, yet so reassuring to Erin all at the same time. If there was anybody that she wanted by her side as she figured out this mess called life, it was Jay. She was prepared to stand by his side through everything, which had her cautiously broaching the one thing that had been on her mind since the idea had been planted there yesterday evening. 

“Kim, she uh, she mentioned that Hank was looking to see if there was a way to get my badge reinstated,” Erin stuttered out. While she already had her own thoughts on this bit of information, she wanted to see what Jay thought as well. Granted, she probably should have waited until he was in a much more well-rested state of mind, but one of Jay’s finer abilities was how capable and sharp his mind remained despite little to no rest in his system. 

Erin was no surprised when Jay did not appear shocked by her confession. Like she assumed, Jay already knew what Hank was up too. In fact, he probably knew more than Kim did. 

“He’s been looking into it, yes,” Jay said slowly. “Per my sources, it’s something he started looking into shortly after we told him of our engagement and your decision to move back here for good.”

“How’s that search turning out for him?” Erin determined last night while she was waiting for Jay to come home that she was not going to even decide what she thought about this potential plot twist in her life’s story until she had an idea of how plausible it’s chance was at actually playing out. It was not unlikely that cops who got stripped got their badges reinstated, just incredibly rare. But, Hank himself was proof that it could happen and, in the eyes of the higher ups, he probably did a hell of a lot worse than Erin had done. 

Jay glanced nervously around the kitchen as he thought about what to say. “It’s going,” he settled on. “Last I heard, he was setting up a meeting with some of the commanders to plead your case. The thing is,” Jay added hurriedly. “This is an election year and there’s so much riding on this election. If Kelton wins, you can just forget it because there will be no job in Intelligence to have because he is going to disband us the second he gets the chance. So, not only does Voight have to dig around and see if this is even possible, he is finding himself having to deal with the politics of it all and you probably know better than I do how much Hank hates politics.” 

Erin tilted her head and stared at Jay, absorbing all that he was saying. “So he’s really been pursuing this? It’s not something that he just wants to do?” 

“Yeah, yeah he’s really pursuing this. Especially now that Antonio’s…” Jay trailed off, unable to bring himself to add the topic of Antonio into the conversation. Erin was shamefully glad that he didn’t; she still could not wrap her head around the fact that Antonio Dawson, her Antonio, the man who was basically her wiser, older brother had succumbed to a drug addiction. When Jay had told her over the phone all that had gone down with that particular case, Erin had burst into a fit of angry tears over the fact that she had not been there to help him and save him from a fate she had already experienced more times than she had wanted to. She knew the signs of an addiction better than anyone, she knew what it was like to rely so heavily on something so bad and still try to function as if nothing was wrong. She could have helped him, but she wasn’t there. She wasn’t there for Antonio and she wasn’t physically there for Jay, who struggled immensely when he found out what his friend had been going through behind closed doors. So many nights in the week that followed the news about Antonio had Jay called her visibly upset and demanding to know why this was happening to yet another person close in his life. With a shaky voice, Erin found herself trying to explain each time he called what it was like to become so dependent on something so bad. Jay, for the most part knew what she was telling him; he had struggled himself on a few occasions in his life, but his struggle never consisted a drug addiction and Erin verbally tried to console him and be there for him long distance as he grappled with coming to terms with the situation. Physically though…she hadn’t been there on those nights when all he needed was to hold her close and search for the comfort only her body could bring. 

Antonio and Jay aside, she hadn’t been there for any of them for so long. But, that was all about to change…she was back now and never again would she turn her back on her family. It was a promise Ruzek made her make him one night when the two decided to share drinks together over a facetime call. 

“I swear I’ll shoot you with my very own gun Linds if you walk out on us again,” Adam had burst out once he began to feel the buzz of the four beers he had down in sync with her. 

“That’s not ever going to happen,” Erin had vowed with a slight slur, her slightly intoxicated state not taking away any of the words’ meaning. 

“Point is,” Jay continued with a small cough. “Voight has a spot to fill and he wants you to fill it. Especially since we never filled Al’s spot. So really, two spots are open and you know how much he loves outsiders.” Erin’s heart gave a slight twinge at the mention of her deceased surrogate family member. 

Shaking the pain aside, Erin looked to Jay and asked, “What do you think about it all?” Because no matter what she thought on the matter and how her decision process would play out, none of that mattered if Jay thought it was a bad idea. She would never be able to confidently accept any job if there was any doubt on Jay’s part because, as he has shown her time and time again, he really only had her best interest in his heart. Plus, they were to be married; her decisions, no matter what they be, would ultimately affect him as well. 

“I think…I think that this is a conversation we need to have later when I am not about to go into work. There’s a lot to think about and a lot of risks and benefits to both sides and I think sometime in the near future when we have more information, me and you are going to have to sit down and really talk about this. It’s why I haven’t mentioned Hank’s efforts before. There’s just too many unanswered questions at the moment and I would like to see some of them get cleared up and answered before you jump head first into a decision.” 

“Thanks Jay,” Erin breathed out, relieved that he already knew and had voiced what she had been thinking. “And I don’t blame you for not telling me and I’m not mad that you didn’t, just so you know.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Jay assured, bringing her hand up to his lips and placing a light kiss against her knuckles. “Now, I did mean what I said, I do have to get to work. Voight’ll kill me if I show up late. Not to mention all of the endless and merciless teasing Ruz and Kev will give me if I do.” 

Laughing because she knew that he was right, Erin got up from her chair and walked over to Jay. “Go,” she said with a smile. “I’ll see you when you get home.” After placing a delicate kiss on his lips, knowing that if she kissed him the way she really wanted to, he would never leave, Erin pulled away and gently shoved his body towards the door. 

“Try not to fall asleep on the couch waiting up for me again. If you’re tired, go to bed!” Jay advised as he headed down the hallway to where he kept his boots perfectly lined up against the door. 

“I couldn’t help it, I forgot how comfortable that couch was,” she called out while following him to the entryway. 

“Well then,” Jay smirked, standing upright and reaching out to grab one of his thicker coats off of the hook. Chicago was damn cold in November and, as he found out on his early trek to get Erin’s breakfast from her favorite place, today was no exception. “When I get home, I guess I will have to give you a proper refresher then.” Erin smirked at his insinuation and closed the distance between them. Standing on the tips of her toes, she pressed a plethora of kisses along the underside of Jay’s jaw leading up to his lips. 

“I’m holding you to that,” she mumbled against him. Jay said nothing, instead choosing to kiss her once more, this time much more fervently than he had all morning. 

“You have to go to work babe,” Erin grumbled as she reluctantly pulled away. “Go! I’ll be here when you get back.” Her words left him a beaming mess. 

“Yeah, you will be,” he said joyously before pressing one last kiss on her lips before turning around and walking out the front door. 

Erin remained in the doorway well after he left, her mind buzzing with the events of the last twenty-four hours. She had finally made the move back to Chicago. After months of talking about it, of promising that she would and looking forward to upholding that promise, she had finally done it. And now that she was back, she couldn’t be happier. And Jay, well, he obviously couldn’t be happier either. Their life—her life—was finally, finally falling into place, all of the pieces fitting just as they should. 

She could only hope that the rest of the pieces in the box would fall into place just as the others had. But, with things regarding her mom still unknown and now knowing that she will most likely be faced with a decision as to whether or not she would accept her old job back, the job she willingly walked away from both here and in New York, Erin was beginning to have her doubts that they would.


	18. Chapter 18

Jay tiredly glanced down at his phone and cringed when he saw that it was just past two in the afternoon. He had just gotten through speaking to the fallen firefighter’s wife and the conversation had taken a much more expensive toll on him than he initially thought that it would. 

Mrs. Suggs was right; her husband had been a good man and Jay had owed it to her to tell her that. He just wasn’t counting on having to resist the onslaught of memories that the conversation dredged up. Too many times had he had a similar conversation with wives of fallen servicemen in the past. Too many times had the task been damn near impossible and this one was no exception. As awful as it was, his only saving grace was that he did not personally know Suggs and in no way, shape, or form could he even be remotely responsible for the man’s death. At least, when addressing Mrs. Suggs for the second time, he was doing so as the man who brought justice to her dead husband’s name. Jay took a small solace in that fact as he trekked over to where he parked his truck outside of the fire station. 

Just as he was about to stick his keys into the ignition, the chiming of his phone halted his movements and diverted his attention. An alert for a text message from Adam lit up the screen of his iPhone and, as much as he wanted to ignore it, he unlocked his phone and read what his friend had sent him. 

Molly’s tonight! Don’t even think of backing out. Already texted Linds and she said she’d come so no excuses!

Before Jay even had the chance to piece together a thought on what he just read, his phone chimed again, this time signaling two incoming text messages from Erin. 

Hey babe, hope you’re having a good day! Ruz and Kev just convinced me to come to Molly’s with them soooo…hope you didn’t have any other plans for us tonight. I was thinking it’d be a good way for us to tell them that we’re engaged. 

Also…I GOT A JOB! It’s at a shelter not too far from us and I start on Monday. 

Jay stared down at her second text, eyebrows scrunched together. She got a job. They were going to Molly’s tonight. She wanted to tell everyone about their engagement. His mind was spinning way faster than it should have been at all of this information being thrown at him in three simple texts. 

Truthfully, all Jay had wanted since he tiredly walked out of the door this morning was to return home to Erin with a box of their favorite pizza in one hand, a six pack of beer in the other, and enjoy a nice, relaxing, and quiet night to themselves so that he could decompress this case. It was unfair of him to expect Erin to want the same kind of night though and he could not blame her wanting to go out and reconnect with her friends, her chosen family. Especially since she had something—now two somethings—worth celebrating with them: their engagement and apparently her new job. 

Reluctantly accepting that the quiet night he planned for just the two of them was going to have to be postponed, Jay shot back a ‘thumbs up’ emoji as confirmation to Adam and sent a quick text in response to Erin. 

Sounds good…and congrats, I am so happy for you! Can’t wait to hear all about it later tonight. Round of shots and beer on me to celebrate 

Tossing his phone into the cup holder, Jay resumed his earlier actions and began the short drive back to the District where he knew mounds of paperwork from this case were awaiting him on his desk. 

That beer was going to taste damn good later, he couldn’t help but think as he turned out of parking lot and onto the main road. 

//

By the time Jay had been able to escape all of the work he had predicted was going to be waiting for him and swing by the apartment to pick up Erin, the drinks had already been flowing for almost an hour for the rest of the unit. 

“Jay, you sure you want to go?” Erin inquired from the passenger seat of his truck. Jay glanced over at her and smiled softly at how beautiful she looked under the glow of the streetlights that had seeped through the truck’s windows. Dressed simply in a pair of jeans, olive green V-neck sweater, and a pair of brown heeled booties, she looked the same as she always had. Except, she wasn’t the same and neither was he and that thought alone had Jay feeling like entering Molly’s for the first time as an engaged couple was much more monumental than it seemed. This was their first chosen public outing in Chicago since they got back together. Sure, everyone saw them at his father’s funeral, but circumstances then had been different; their relationship was neither talked about nor spoken of. They weren’t engaged then either. Tonight…tonight was almost their official debut as a newly reconciled couple who happened to also be getting married in seven short months. They had made so much progress as people and as a couple in the past year and finally, finally they were ready to show the world the product of their evolvement. 

It was almost a cinematic cliché that this monumental occasion was taking place in the very same spot where their partnership grew into a friendship that cultivated into a relationship. So many of their milestones happened at Molly’s, Jay realized with a faint smile as dozens of memories over the years in the bar rapidly flashed before his eyes.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” he asked as he unbuckled himself and made sure that his wallet was in his coat pocket before getting out and walking over the passenger side of the truck.

Opening the door up for Erin, an act he knew she both loved and hated at the same time, he waited patiently for her to come up with a reason as to why he wouldn’t want to walk through the doors of their favorite bar in town. 

“You just seem exhausted, that’s all,” Erin observed. 

“Yeah, well, didn’t really get much sleep last night did I?” Jay retorted with a wink. Sliding out of the truck and looping her arm around Jay’s, Erin barked out a laugh. 

“I mean, you could have said something if you were that tired,” she said as they began to walk towards the front entrance to Molly’s. 

“Tired while doing that? Never,” Jay swore. “But seriously, tonight will be fun. Especially since Voight said we didn’t have to come in until noon tomorrow so I’ll get to actually sleep in for once.” 

The pair was just in front of the doors now and just as Erin reached out to push them open, Jay grasped onto her hand, preventing her from opening up the space to them. For just a second or two longer, he wanted to remain in their hand built bubble that only the two of them had access to. Who knew what kind of chaos would ensue once everyone else was granted entrance. 

Erin, seeming to have sensed what Jay was feeling, leaned up and planted a chaste kiss on his lips before melting against his body, fully embracing the warmth he exuded. 

“I almost forgot how cold Chicago was,” she murmured against the leather of his jacket. 

“Having any regrets?” Jay asked, both teasingly and seriously. He knew that she didn’t, but that didn’t mean he didn’t get a small thrill rush through him at every verbal confirmation she gave him. 

“Never,” Erin vowed. “You?” 

Jay pretended to think about it for a moment. 

“Jay!” Erin squealed, pulling away from his body and punching him in the arm. 

Laughing, Jay pulled her in for a searing kiss. Her lips were slightly chapped from the cold and so were his own. The warmth that erupted all over the inside of his body distracted him from that little tidbit of information. He would never regret having her in his life for as long as he lived, and then some. How could he regret someone who made him feel like this, like his body was on fire when the world around him was nothing but ice and wind? 

“Never,” he parroted his words back to her. “Now, come on, we’d better get inside. We’re already almost an hour late and I wouldn’t put it past Ruz to send out a search party for us.” 

Chuckling because she knew he was right, Erin once again stuck her hands out and pulled the doors to the bar open. 

//

Molly’s was exactly how Erin remembered it; boisterous but quaint. A multitude of first responders and staff members from Chicago Med were congregating underneath the aesthetically pleasing twinkling strands of lights. All of them had some kind of alcoholic beverage in hand and smiles on their faces as they decompressed after presumably a long, hard, and busy day at work. She recognized almost everybody and found comfort in the fact that nothing about the bar and its inhabitants had changed. 

She and Jay stood still in the doorway for a second, their hands clasped together, as they took in the scene before them. 

“Team’s over there,” Jay quickly pointed out. Following his index finger to the back corner of the bar, Erin laid her eyes upon her old team. Propped up against four high-top tables that had been pushed together, she watched as Ruzek animatedly acted out whatever story he was telling with his arms. Kevin and Kim were hunched over in laughter and Hailey was staring up at Adam with a look that was a cross between enjoyment and disbelief. Erin noticed that she was standing rather closely to Adam. 

Remembering a conversation she had had with Jay a few weeks ago, Erin turned towards Jay and asked, “Upton and Ruz are dating right?” 

Jay nodded his head in confirmation and gave a slight shrug. “If you can call it that,” he said. “No one really knows what they are. But, she told me she was seeing him and I have yet to hear otherwise.” 

“Gotcha,” Erin said. “I just wanted to make sure.” 

“You two going to order a beer or something? Or just stand in the doorway looking like idiots?” A male voice chimed in from behind them as a swoosh of cold air swept over their bodies. Turning around, Erin came face to face with Will Halstead’s trademark goofy grin. 

“Hey Will,” Erin greeted giving him a one-arm hug. “Just taking it all in. My first time back here in over a year. I’ve missed this place.” 

“Just getting off shift?” Jay asked, clearly having taken in the maroon scrubs his brother was wearing. 

“Well, considering I don’t typically wear scrubs on my off-days,” Will answered cheekily. Erin watched as Jay lightly punched his brother in the shoulder.

“Hey!” Will admonished while rubbing the spot Jay’s fist had connected with. “I was going to offer to buy you guys each a beer but now I don’t think I will.” 

“Don’t be a baby,” Jay jokingly mocked his older brother. “And still buy us that beer.” 

“We’re celebrating!” Erin finally decided to chime in. “I got a job and…” She held up her left hand and waved her fingers around. Erin had initially been skeptical when Jay confessed to not wanting to tell Will until she was with him—something about announcing an engagement without the other half of the couple felt weird to him apparently—but she had let it slide and had come to understand his reasoning. 

“I just think, and want it to be, something that we do together,” Jay had emphasized when they were discussing it. 

Erin watched as Will’s mouth quite literally dropped open. With a slow and shaky hand, the eldest Halstead brother reached forward, took her hand in his own, and pulled it up so that it was leveled with his eyes. 

“Mom’s ring,” he mumbled as he carefully inspecting the glinting stone that sat on her finger and shined beautifully under the strung up lights above them. “I…wow…when did this happen?” 

Erin was acutely aware of the way Jay’s body tensed up at the lack of immediate joyous response that she knew he wanted his brother to have. 

“I asked her kind of spontaneously when we were at the cabin,” Jay explained. “I—we—wanted to wait until we were together again to tell everyone.” Will nodded his head up and down like a bobblehead, too focused on the ring Erin was wearing to even fully take in what Jay just told him. 

“I…I can’t believe it,” Will repeated to himself as he turned Erin’s finger around so that he could see the ring in all of its glory at every angle possible. Erin and Jay both just watched him intensely, impatient to see if he would have any other reaction. 

Finally, Will straightened up and let go of Erin’s hand. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, clearly trying to figure out what to say and do, before his face abruptly split into a wide smile. Clasping both of his hands on each of their shoulders, he pulled them both into a squished embrace with a loud yell that most definitely got the attention of everyone in the bar. 

“Everybody listen up!” Will shouted when he pulled out of the embrace. Keeping his arms draped tightly over both her’s and Jay’s shoulders, he announced the news of their engagement for them. “These two crazy kids are ENGAGED!” 

Cheers erupted all around them and before Erin could fully process what was happening, the arms of Kevin Atwater were wrapping around her and lifting her off her feet. 

“I fucking can’t believe this, congrats guys!” She heard Adam exclaim over her pleas to Kevin to put her down. Kevin obliged, but as soon as she was free from his embrace, she was swept up into Adam’s. 

A few awkward and surprisingly intense conversations had taken place between her, Adam, and Kevin over the course of the past two months. But, if their excitement was anything to go by given how they were the last time that they saw her, those conversations were very much needed for her relationship with the two goofballs to be salvaged and brought to a better place than it ever was in the past. 

“Linds, kinda can’t believe you agreed to become Mrs. Jay Halstead, thought it be you proposing since we know you wear the pants and all,” Adam joked. 

“Oh shut up Adam!” Kim scolded with a sharp flick of her thumb against the back of his head. 

“Wait, wait, wait, Burgess! You totally knew about this! Why the hell didn’t you tell us?” Kevin demanded as Kim pulled Jay into a congratulatory hug. 

“Know about this? What are you talking about? I didn’t know anything.” The high-pitch tone she was talking in totally gave away the fact that she was lying; Adam quickly picked up on it and decided to tease her mercilessly as Will and Jay began ushering the group towards the bar so that they were no longer standing in the doorway. 

Erin felt so much love in the moment; being surrounded by her family and friends combined with all of the shouts of support and approval from the rest of the people in the bar was enough to bring tears to her eyes. 

“God, what is wrong with me?” She laughed when Kevin asked her why she looked like she was about to cry. ‘Detectives never miss a thing,’ she thought before blurting out the only explanation she found herself able to give. 

“I’m just so happy.” 

It was the most out-of-character response, but it was one hundred percent the truth. She was so happy. It was a thought that had been swirling around her mind for months now and, the more she dwelled on her happiness, the more it shocked her that this was her life. It was a repetitive thought, a now overstated statement, but it was the truth and there was no other explanation she could give. 

“Glad to hear it Linds,” Adam said sincerely. Then, holding up the shot glass Hermann had just passed over to him, he cleared his throat and yelled to the whole bar, “A toast to the happy couple, eh? Cheers guys!” Erin’s eyes glistened once more with tears that would never fall as everyone in Molly’s raised up their respective drinks and toasted to her and Jay. She never really thought about what her homecoming would be like, but this was the last thing that she ever expected to happen: being welcomed back—no celebrated—with open arms. 

Unable to find the words to express the immense gratitude and love that she felt in that moment, Erin pursed her lips into a smile and nodded her head as she allowed Kim to usher her and Jay back over to their table while Adam and Kevin ordered more drinks for them all. 

“I feel like a celebrity,” Jay quipped as he settled into a seat against the wall across from Hailey, who, Erin realized, had not joined everyone in greeting her and Jay at the door. 

“Didn’t realize what a big deal you were around here Erin,” Hailey commented with a smile. “Good to have you back.” Erin restrained herself from cocking her eyebrow questionably when she distinctly remembered that the first time Hailey had been invited to Molly’s with the whole team was the night that Erin fled to New York. Judging by the way she saw Jay’s body tense out of the corner of her eye, he too was remembering that little bit of information. 

“Hey Hailey, it’s good to see you! Thanks for having this guy’s back while I was away,” She found herself saying as she took a seat next to Jay and rested her hand on the upper part of his thigh, an act meant to relieve some of his tension and remind him that she was here now, times were different. 

Hailey tilted her head, clearly observing Erin’s actions and simply said, “Well, someone had to have it.” A spark of…anger? Annoyance? Shame? Lit in the depths of Erin’s stomach. It was a bold comment to make, but Hailey was not wrong; someone had to have Jay’s back because the truth of the matter was, she was not in Chicago for all of these months. But, something about the tone in which Hailey said it had Erin on high alert. 

She knew that the partnership between Jay and Hailey had gotten off to a rocky start. Hailey had been trying too hard to get close to him and to get him to open up to her during a time when Jay did not even know what he was feeling or how to move forward in the face of Erin’s departure. With time however, Erin also knew that a close friendship had formed between the two and Jay had a very high level of respect for the female detective, who, like himself, had been asked if they wanted to join Intelligence, not scripted into it like all the others had been. As much as she wanted to question Hailey further on what she said, Erin let it slide. Hailey was just looking out and protecting Jay’s best interest, especially since Hailey really didn’t know her. Had she been in the same situation, Erin believed that she would most definitely say the same thing—maybe even worse—and so, she offered up a sincere “thank you” instead. 

“Isn’t her ring beautiful Hails?” Kim butt into the conversation. “Show her Erin?” Face flushing with embarrassment, Erin brought her hand up from under the table and put the diamond ring on full display. 

“It was my mom’s,” Jay finally spoke. 

“Wow, that’s beautiful. Congratulations guys,” Hailey offered. “Did this just happen?” 

Erin sat back and listened to Jay tell the story of how he proposed to her two months earlier, laughing when Adam and Kevin came back just in time to hear the tail-end of the story and affectionately tease Jay for being an overly sappy romantic. 

“Hey, he got me to say yes so leave him alone!” Erin defended her fiancé from the two guys she considered to be more her brothers than friends. 

“Well, it’s not like there was any doubt that you would,” Kevin pointed out. Erin reckoned she was the only one who heard a little squeak come from Hailey. Turning her head slightly, she noticed that the detective’s lips were squeezed shut, as if she was holding back something that she wanted to say. 

‘It’s probably nothing,’ Erin thought to herself, refusing to let her curiosity get the best of her. Whatever feelings Hailey may have been harboring towards her were not worth getting into, not tonight when she was supposed to be out celebrating. 

“Oh! Guys! I got a job!” Erin blurted out at the mental reminder of the night’s purpose. More cheers erupted all around her as once again the group raised their glasses and toasted her. 

“It’s nothing special or anything, just at a local woman’s shelter, but it’s something!” Erin explained. “I’ll be there three days a week helping out during the day and will do one night shift. It’s not very big so they weren’t able to offer me a full-time position, but at least I get the chance to do some good and not sit around the apartment all day.” 

“I think that’s really great Linds, good for you,” Adam said while Jay wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave a loving squeeze. Erin had already told him all about her accepted job offer when he picked her up from the apartment and the two had spent more time than they should have having a mini-celebration for her. 

Feeling her face burn slightly at the memory of Jay on his knees in front of her, fingers teasing the button and zipper on her jeans, Erin began to tell her friends that the place she would be working at was actually a place she had stayed at when she was a little girl. 

“The woman who runs the shelter is actually the same one who took Bunny and I in,” Erin admitted, not liking the way everyone froze at the mention of her mother’s name. “What?” She asked when it became apparent that no one was going to elaborate on their reactions. 

“Have, have you heard from Bunny at all over the past few weeks?” Kevin stuttered out. Erin glanced around the pushed together tables and finally realized why they were all acting so oddly when she noticed Jay’s body language differed from the rest of theirs. Kim, Adam, Kevin, and Hailey had no clue as to whether or not she knew that they had been looking into tracking Bunny down. 

“No, she seems to have disappeared from all of us,” Erin answered, making sure her tone answered their unasked question. “Not that I am complaining. If she truly is gone, I hope she stays gone.”

No one had anything to say about that and, thankfully, Will had come over with Natalie at just the right time to save any of them from having to come up with a comment. 

“Natalie didn’t believe me when I told her you two got engaged, said she had to see the ring for herself,” Will said as he pushed his girlfriend gently towards the table. The brown-haired girl quirked her eyebrows and gestured towards Erin’s left hand. Catching on to what the doctor was silently requesting, Erin raised her hand with a smile. 

“Congratulations Jay, Erin. I’m so happy for you both,” Natalie exclaimed before making inquiries about whether or not they began planning their upcoming nuptials. 

“We picked a date,” Jay announced. “June seventeenth, but that’s about it.” 

“That’s only seven months away,” Hailey pointed out. “Think you can plan a whole wedding in that time?”

“Well, it’s not like we want anything too crazy. Just something simple,” Erin pointed out as Kim simultaneously vowed that they would get it done. 

The whole table then decided to chime in with their own ideas for the wedding. Adam and Kevin both requested that there be an open bar and Hailey and Will very quickly agreed. 

“Guys, guys, guys, I promise, as best man I will make sure these two have an open bar for us all!” Will announced, waving his beer around in his hand for emphasis. 

“Who says you’re going to be my best man?” Jay snapped. Sliding her attention away from the lively conversation her friends had initiated over to him, Erin’s blood momentarily went cold when she saw the hardened, tired look in Jay’s eyes. Tilting her head downwards, she checked the time on the watch on his hand and saw that they had already been at the bar for almost two hours and it was nearing ten o’clock at night. Not a late time by normal standard, but Erin knew how exhausted Jay had been going into this week and them staying up all night making love last night did not help. Plus, she had a feeling that this case had taken more out of Jay than he would ever care to admit and, despite not yet knowing the reason, he most likely needed time to himself to decompress. 

“I-I’m sorry, I just…” Erin listened as Will trailed off, clearly realizing that he had spoken too prematurely. Not that she blamed him; she too had thought that Will would be Jay’s best man. It seemed fitting given the close relationship that two had been able to build over the years since the elder Halstead’s return to Chicago. So, to hear Jay very quickly shut that option down had Erin both confused and intrigued as to who Jay had in mind.

“It’s all good Will, we’re still figuring all of that stuff out,” she piped up when Jay made no motion to acknowledge his brother’s stuttered apology, hoping that the rising tension between the brother’s would quickly dissolve. “We really only settled on a date and that’s it.”

“Why that date?” Hailey quickly asked. Erin sent her a look of gratitude at her attempts to take the attention away from what Will said. Her look doubled in strength when the blonde detective probed Jay to be the one to give her an answer. 

“It’s the day that Voight and his wife got married. Erin has my mother’s ring and we wanted to honor them in some way as well.” Erin smiled lightly at the reminder of the story behind their chosen wedding date, a part of her still in disbelief and immensely touched that Jay had agreed to it. 

At the mention of their boss, the unit members animatedly grilled Jay about how Hank was going to react when he was given the news of their engagement. Erin laughed as she listened to Jay tell them that Hank already found out and exaggeratedly relay to them the story of Hank’s initial disproval and how it turned into a reluctant acceptance.

“How are you not at the bottom of the river Halstead?” Adam gasped. Instead of a verbal answer, Jay gave a tired shrug. Erin noticed that whatever energy he had scrounged up to answer Hailey’s question and entertain the crowd around them for a few brief minutes was slowly dwindling down to nothing. Taking that as her cue to cut their night out short, she announced that she herself was tired after a day of unpacking and wished to go home, knowing that Jay would stay out until dawn if he thought that was what she wanted to do. Brushing aside the rounds of pleas that they stay, Erin excused herself to the bathroom with the declaration that when she got back, her and Jay would be leaving. 

She did not notice a certain blonde also excuse herself from the table and follow her into the ladies’ room. 

“Shit!” Erin gasped over the sound of the toilet flushing when she exited the stall and saw Hailey’s body leaning against the tiled wall. “Hailey, you scared me!” 

“Sorry,” Hailey said unapologetically. “I just…I just wanted to talk to you for a sec without…” Her arms made a wide, circular gesture. 

“Uh, sure, what’s up?” 

“I don’t want to step on your toes or anything, but you thanked me for having Jay’s back and I wouldn’t be doing that without telling you this.” Hailey spoke clearly and straight to the point. Her words both intrigued and angered Erin. What did Hailey have to say to her about Jay? 

“Leaving was the best thing for you, I get that and I think now the whole team does too. But, you left Jay a complete mess when you did and I had to be the one to pick up all the pieces. You weren’t there when he totally spiraled and I just, I need to make sure that you are not all about you now that you’re back. I need to make sure that you are aware of the signs of him struggling because it’s not fair for him to rely so heavily on you if you don’t. That man will walk through fire for you and not for nothing, but I don’t get the feeling that you would do the same for him.” 

Erin saw red. 

“How dare you,” she seethed. “You don’t know anything about me or Jay or our relationship with one another!” She didn’t care if she was screaming and who heard. Hailey had no right, none whatsoever, to make comments like that about her and insinuate that her feelings for Jay did not compare to the ones he had for her. 

“You’re right, I don’t,” Hailey agreed, her voice a little too calm for Erin’s liking. “But I do know Jay and I know that tonight he came here even though he looks like and feels like shit because it’s what you wanted to do. I know that he is really struggling with this case and that his PTSD has been triggered again after he went and talked to the wife of the fallen firefighter. This was the last place he should have been and yet, he came with you and he sat to the side while you went on and on about your engagement and new job. Did you notice that he barely spoke all night?”

Erin kept her mouth shut and glared at the woman in front of her, trying to ignore the guilt she was beginning to feel with each statement Hailey made. On some level, they were all correct, but they held no depth. Of course Erin noticed the same signs Hailey had but, what she knew about Jay that Hailey didn’t, was that Jay was comfortable enough to come to her when he was ready. Nothing good ever came from pushing Jay to talk about his feelings and she thought Hailey would have picked up on that particular characteristic in the early days of their partnership. 

“Look, I don’t mean to make you feel bad,” Hailey added when it became clear Erin was not going to be saying anything just yet. “I’m just looking out for my partner and my…my best friend.” 

Erin scoffed. “This is not looking out for him. This is attacking me.” 

“Do you always make things about you?” Hailey retorted. “Erin, Jay is struggling and as his fiancé, you need to help him! And if you can’t do that, then just go back to where you came from and save him and everyone else the heartbreak.” 

“You got balls coming at me with this in the middle of a bathroom, I’ll give you that,” Erin said steely. 

“Yeah, well, it needed to be said and everyone else is too infatuated with your return to say it.” 

Arms crossed across their chests, Erin and Hailey scowled at the other, the looks on their faces lethal. 

“You’re his partner and I have to respect that because at the end of the day, you are the one who helps ensure that he comes home to me,” Erin began when it became apparent that neither one of them had intentions of backing down anytime soon. “And I, I appreciate the concern that you have for Jay,” she grinded out. “But quite frankly, how he and I handle his PTSD is none of your concern. It’s also not your concern to doubt our personal relationship. Your concern is whether or not Jay does his job efficiently and I think you and I both know that isn’t going to be a problem with Jay, not now.” 

Hailey’s face was impassive and when she said nothing after a few seconds following Erin’s comments, Erin stalked past her and exited the bathroom, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of this place and go home. 

Stomach churning uncomfortably as Hailey’s words repeatedly played inside of her head, Erin briskly walked towards Jay, her night of celebration undoubtedly over. 

//

Jay knew something was wrong when Erin stripped her clothes from her body, fumbled around through his drawers for something to wear until she settled on an old sweatshirt he had kept from his days as a varsity baseball player, and settled into their bed without a word. Puzzled by her silence, Jay mimicked her actions of quickly getting ready for bed. Clad in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, he sat at the edge of the bed and peered down at the back of his fiancé’s body. 

“Er, you okay?” He asked softly, reaching out and rubbing his hand soothingly up and down the length of her covered calf. He thought that everything had been going good at Molly’s; everyone had been happy to see her and over-the-moon excited to hear about their engagement. Truthfully, he could not have predicted a better reaction, especially since a small part of him was fearful that something was going to go wrong. But, from his point of view, nothing did. So, what was there for her to be upset about? 

‘She could just be tired,’ a voice in the back of his head reasoned. Jay quickly shook away the suggestion. Even in a tired state, Erin would not be this uncharacteristically quiet.

“Erin?” He probed again, this time shuffling up the length of the bed, pulling her body onto his lap, and turning her over so that he was looking down at her wide-awake hazel colored eyes. 

Heaving out a loud sigh, Erin struggled to pull herself up so that she was sitting in front of him, her legs crossed and arms resting on the tops of her knees. 

“Who are you thinking of picking to be your best man? You shot Will down so quickly, you must have someone in mind…” Jay knew by the way that she trailed off that this was not what had been on her mind since leaving Molly’s, but figured he would go along with her meaningless small talk until she worked her way up to what she truly wanted to talk about. 

Without missing a beat, he answered, “Mouse.” Jay watched as a look of understanding crossed across Erin’s face and felt compelled to say, “Over…overseas when things felt like they could not get any worse, we would spend more time than we’d ever freely admit talking about what we wanted for our futures. The scenarios we came up with, they were something for us to believe in. Things over there were just so awful and sometimes, imaginary futures were the only thing that seemed good in a world that was so bad.” Feeling his hands beginning to shake at the more gruesome memories that threatened to come to mind, Jay paused for a moment to collect himself. 

“I get it,” Erin whispered in a barely audible tone, her voice cutting off the continuation of his explanation. “Teddy and I used to do the same thing when Bunny was on one of her more…eventful…benders and we had no food, water, or heat in the house. We used to imagine what our lives would have been like if we got adopted by a nice, rich family. We dreamed up all of the really cool dinners we’d eat and far-off places our new parents were going to take us to. Sometimes, it was just enough to take our minds off of our reality and get us through to the next day.” 

Jay nodded, sickened by the thought of Erin’s childhood giving her the chance to understand what he had gone through and felt during a war. 

“Anyway,” he finally said with a cough. “My mom always wished for me to get married and have a big, huge family of my own. So, in each of my made-up futures, I was always getting married to some girl that I would meet in Chicago once I got home and every time I told Mouse that he was right there beside me on the alter. ‘It’s because of you that I’d even be there in the first place,’ I would always tell him. He saved my ass so many times it’s a miracle he deserved a more than the single medal he got.” If he could, Jay would not hesitate to give his buddy every single medal he received to compensate for the ones he lacked but earned in Jay’s mind. He’d believe that until the day he died. 

“Mouse will be my best man, whether he is able to come to the wedding or not,” Jay vowed firmly. 

“When’s the last time you two spoke?” 

“I don’t even remember,” Jay muttered, his voice and body full of shame. Getting in touch with Mouse overseas was a damn near impossible feat, but it was possible and Jay usually found ways to do so—usually. “Things these past two months have just been so…” he trailed off, using his hands to make some sort of gesture that was supposed to represent chaos. 

As he watched Erin become suddenly interested at picking at a piece of thread on the quilted comforter she was sitting on top of, Jay knew that he had breached the topic she had silently been stewing about and was trying to avoid for as long as she was possibly able to. 

“Are you okay?” Erin mumbled, clearly uncomfortable with the question she was asking. “I noticed in the car that something was off with you and you were kind of quiet tonight and Hailey mentioned that your PTSD was triggered and I want to be here for you but I don’t…I don’t know what’s going on. I…are you okay?”

Jay furrowed his eyebrows together, looking at Erin in both shock and confusion. Hailey talked to Erin about his PTSD? When? 

“In the bathroom, just before we left.” Not realizing that he said that out loud, Jay felt his face turn a deep, crimson red color at Erin’s answer. “She was just looking out for you and wanted to make sure that I was able to handle you when your PTSD acted up.” A sinking feeling in his stomach had Jay knowing that the conversation between his fiancé and his partner was much more than that, but Jay respected Erin’s silent wish to not disclose the full extent of what apparently went down in the bathroom at Molly’s. 

“I’m, uh, I’m fine.” He knew without even looking at Erin that she was ready to throttle him over his response. Sighing, Jay bucked up the courage to do better and admit what had been bothering him. 

“I’m not going to be like I was that night in New York, I don’t feel like I did then,” he started with, figuring that it was better to calm some of her more rampant nerves first than to let them simmer any longer. “But, uh, today, I had to be the one to talk to Sugg’s wife. First when we found out he died and again when I went on my own to tell her that we wrapped up the investigation. The whole thing, it just reminded me of all the times I had to go to the wives of fallen soldiers in the past. That was the worst part of my military career, telling someone’s family that they were never coming home, that there was nothing I could have done to save them.” He let out a shuddering breath as his head fell into his chest. 

“Oh Jay,” Erin sympathized. Jay could tell by the movements of the bed that she had uncrossed her legs and was making her way over to his side. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, that’s just how it is and how it’s going to be. I’m sorry that you were able to pick up on my mood, I thought that I would at least be able to hide it while we were out.” 

He flinched when he felt Erin’s hand sharply make contact with his bare chest. “You promised you would never hide something like this from me!” 

“I didn’t want to hide it from you!” Jay rushed out, pulling his body away from Erin’s before she had the chance to hit him again. “I just wanted to wait until tomorrow. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night out with our friends. Tonight was supposed to be all about you, your new job, and us getting engaged. I did not want to ruin that. I swear I was planning on talking to you about it tomorrow before I went into work!” It was the truth and Jay could only pray that she believed him. 

There was a brief moment of silence where he held his breath, anxiously waiting to see what his fiancé was going to say. Then, just as he was about to launch into another monologue about how he did trust her and never planned to hide his silent struggles from her, Erin launched herself into his body, wrapping her arms so tightly around his neck that the breath he had been holding truly did not have any chance of ever being released. 

“Don’t wait, please never wait to tell me,” she cried softly into his shoulder. “I can’t, I don’t, please just never wait or hold anything back. I don’t want you leaving because it gets to be too much again.” Erin sounded so meek and scared that Jay wanted to cry himself. 

Of course that was what had upset her. She recognized the signs from the last time she witnessed his PTSD flare up from his work and life and had gotten scared that he’d walk out on her again. Too upset her mind even went there, Jay did nothing but hold her close, hoping that his actions were enough to convey to her that he was never, ever going to walk away from her again. 

“I feel stupid for even thinking it and I know that things are different now, that you would never,” Erin continued, her voice muffled by the skin of his shoulder. “But…maybe that’s my own version of PTSD. I can’t get past people leaving me, whether it’s voluntary or not and when Hailey basically questioned whether or not I had your best interest at heart and all but suggested that I leave before I sent you spiraling, I don’t know, I’m sorry this was not how I wanted to spend our night and look at me making it about me again, God, maybe she’s right. I didn’t want her to think that she was but fuck.” By now, Erin was a rambling mess and he was struggling to keep up with what she was saying. 

Jay knew way back when they first gave dating a go that Erin suffered from the residue effects of her childhood.

“Don’t try and psychoanalyze me Jay,” she had warned him when he thought it was a good idea to bring it up one day while doing a drive by. And while he heeded her warning by not verbally trying to figure her out, he still invested enough time in getting to know her to know that the traumas in her life stayed with her just as much as his own did. He never really got around to figuring out the effects of the ghosts that haunted her because his girl was as strong as they came. But, and maybe he should have realized this in the past, he believed that he was finally finding the missing piece to the puzzle. 

His ghosts gave him nightmares and turned him violent; hers fed into her insecurity so much that she was unable to stop herself from being consumed by it. And apparently, other people’s comments did not help pull her out; they pushed her further under. 

“What exactly did Hailey say?” Jay inquired, knowing that it would be fruitless to address her other comments. When Erin can verbally admit that she knew what she was saying was crazy, Jay knew better than to further expand on what she was saying. Her thoughts were out there, he knew what she was feeling, and there was nothing more about them to discuss other than to get to the root of where they originated from and work towards squashing any doubts or fears. 

“She was just looking out for you and as pissed off as she made me, she made some pretty good points,” Erin began by defending his partner before launching into a brief recap of what actually transpired behind the closed bathroom doors. 

He had no clue what to think when Erin finished and all he felt was a pounding headache beginning to form, both from exhaustion and the situation as a whole. 

“She shouldn’t have said those things to you and I’ll talk to her tomorrow,” Jay said stoutly, reaching out and brushing the hair that hung against her neck to the side so that he had space to place a feathery kiss against the place on her skin that always managed to elicited a delightful reaction from her. 

Sighing in contentment, Erin tightened her hold around Jay’s neck once more and apologized to him for letting her get into her head in the first place. “She only knows the worst in me and she’s just looking out for you. I can’t blame her for being a good partner.” 

“I appreciate that, I really do, but I don’t appreciate the way that she went about it. If she has any problems about our relationship, then I wish that she just talked to me about them instead of cornering you,” Jay stated. “But, if you don’t mind, I would really like to finish this conversation in the morning. I’m beat and want nothing more than to sleep for the next year.” 

“Do that and you’ll miss our wedding,” Erin giggled before agreeing with him that she was tired too and as long as the two of them were good, then she was more than happy to put this conversation on pause. 

Gently lowering both of their bodies down and pulling the sheets and comforter over them, Jay cradled Erin against his chest and whispered, “I’m glad we talk about this stuff now. Talking with you makes everything seem okay.” 

“I’m glad too,” she responded softly. 

Sleep did not stay away for too long, and when it did come, it wasted no time taking over both of their bodies with no intentions of retreat until mid-morning the next day. For all of the fear and anxiety and stress that the world shoved into their paths, the least sleep could do was let Jay and Erin have a few peaceful hours before they had to face their battles again the next day.


	19. Chapter 19

Not surprisingly, Jay was the second person to enter the bullpen the next morning; the first being Hank Voight. Due to the extremely generous flow of alcohol the night before, Jay knew that his fellow unit members would most definitely be suffering pretty severe hangovers this morning and come stumbling up the hardwood stairs mere seconds before the noon deadline their sergeant had given them. 

Which was why he opted to show up to work thirty minutes earlier than he was expected to so that he’d have a front row seat to his friends’ misery. Well, that and the overwhelming desire to get away from Erin before he said or did anything else that would put their relationship in jeopardy. 

Thinking back on it, Jay knew that he overreacted. She had just been trying to help and instead of graciously saying, “thanks, but no thanks,” he took her help and hurled it right back at her. Tossing his thicker, brown coat over the back of his desk chair, Jay collapsed into the seat with a loud sigh. 

‘God, he was such an ass this morning,’ his mind groaned for what seemed like the thousandth time since he left the apartment with a loud huff and an exaggerated slam of the door. She had just been trying to help, to understand, to be the person she hadn’t been when he began his descent into the dark hole he barely made it out of. And of course, adding insult to injury, she didn’t even seem mad at him when he did storm out; she seemed hurt and confused and struck helpless by the situation. A situation, he thought angrily, that could have been avoided altogether if he could just get his God damn head screwed on straight and not succumb to every itsy-bitsy trigger life wanted to carelessly drop in his path.

Her suggestion this morning had been no surprise either, not when he all but introduced it the night before. “I’m glad we talk about stuff now, but let’s finish this conversation in the morning,” he had said just last night. She, of course, agreed, and the two enjoyed a pretty decent sleep with the other. There were no nightmares, no random jolts of terror streaking through his body that had him flying out of bed gasping for breath. When he woke up in the morning, he thought he had been okay. He felt refreshed, happy, and content as he laid there in his bed fully awake while Erin softly snored into his side, her body perfectly molded against his own like the final piece fits into a long and complicated puzzle. 

How easily tricked he had been if one measly suggestion had him boiling over with angry words spewing out of him left and right, all of the progress he had made over the past year evaporating into the air around him. 

And, of course, he knew how his inexcusable was only bolstering the pitch she had barely begun to deliver to him. That only made him madder. He had been better! He had taken control over himself again! He didn’t need to go back to therapy! 

Except, he realized as he got halfway to the district in an eerily silent car (the static of the radio had only added to his shot nerves), she was right: if he wanted to be the best that he could be for her and for their relationship, maybe it would do him some good to go back to talking to someone that didn’t know or have any expectations of him. His PTSD was going to be with him forever, he sorrowfully concluded this morning, and there was no magic switch or solution that was going to prevent it from infringing upon his life and his mood in the future. 

Shaking his head once more at himself, Jay dug into the pocket of his jeans, pulled out his phone, and hastily typed together an apology to send to Erin all while thinking of what he could do later to further emphasize just how sorry he was for blowing up at her. 

I’m going to reach out to the support center on Monday to see if they have any suggestions for treatment that might work best, he added for good measure before pressing send. 

Not quite feeling satisfied with himself, but feeling slightly better than he did when he arrived now that he initiated some sort of communication and decided on going along with her innocent suggestion, Jay lugged himself over to the breakroom to make himself a cup of not quite shitty, but still not at all delicious coffee. 

As he listened to the coffee maker slowly spit out his drink, Jay contemplated if maybe he should reach out to Dr. Charles at Med instead. As much as he hated opening up to people that he knew, opening up to strangers was almost just as bad, if not worse. Failure to keep up with his last therapist was because he had not been comfortable with her and, now that he was giving it some thought, he wondered if that was because he didn’t know her and not because he just didn’t like her and what she made him talk about.

Too busy weighing out the pros and cons in his mind, Jay was not aware that another person had entered the breakroom until the sound of someone clearing their throat yanked him away from his thoughts.

“You’re here early Halstead,” Voight observed in his typically gruff tone. Reflexes that had been ingrained into him since his military days had Jay immediately straightening himself upright and turning to face his superior, the now ready mug of coffee steaming behind him completely forgotten. 

“Sarge,” Jay greeted with a slight tilt of his head. “I uh, I didn’t see the need to waste any more time this morning. I was up and figured…” He shrugged, unable to find a good enough excuse to give the man who was not only his boss, but basically his fiancé’s father. 

The look Voight gave him informed Jay that the sergeant did not appreciate the bullshit excuse given. Thankfully, Voight said nothing more on the subject and instead asked, “Do you have any plans with Erin tonight?” 

When he slowly shook his head no, they did not have any plans (even if they did, they were probably cancelled now), Voight continued on by asking if they would like to come over his house for dinner. 

“Figured we could, you know, properly celebrate your engagement or whatever.” It was clear that the older man was uncomfortable bringing up such a suggestion to Jay—in the work place no less—and judging by the way he stammered over his response, so was Jay. 

“Er, yeah, that uh, that sounds nice. I’ll uh, I’ll l-let Erin know.”

“No need,” Voight said with a careless wave of his hand. “I already spoke to her just before you came in. She said as long as you agreed, she’d be there.” Jay gulped at the knowledge of the two speaking this morning so shortly after their fight. Was it even worth considering it a fight? Or was him being a fucking asshole for no fucking reason a better classification? Contemplating those questions silently in his mind, Jay simultaneously nodded in confirmation and said, “Oh great. Uh, looking forward to it.” 

He forced his body to not visibly begin squirming uncomfortably as he watched his boss eye him up and down a few times. Yep, Erin definitely told him about this morning, Jay realized with a sinking feeling. 

“You alright Halstead?” Voight asked gruffly. 

“Yep, I’m good sir. Feeling solid.” A fucking lie, no way was he feeling “solid” after he spent his morning throwing a tantrum and treating his girl like shit. 

“Not what I heard,” Voight snapped. “Want to take a wild guess as to what I happened to hear in regards to you?” 

Jay felt his eyes bulge out of his head at the blatant acknowledgement of Voight’s awareness of what transpired between him and Erin barely an hour earlier. Under the menacing glare of the older man, Jay reluctantly shared information he normally never would have dreamed of sharing with his boss. But, if the look he was giving him was anything to go by, Jay knew that he was not going to be allowed to exit the breakroom until he gave Hank Voight just what he wanted. For the first time in his life, Jay actually felt a twinge of sympathy for all of the perps that they had brought in and had been subjected to the same look that he was receiving now. It was suddenly clear to him why nearly every single one of the people Voight interviewed caved and spilled every one of their secrets. 

“Look, I already have plans to reach out to the Veteran’s Center and get a new therapist. Erin, she uh, she was right. I have a habit of bottling things up and not taking them seriously and then I lose it like I did this morning. I’m sorry, I’m going to get better,” Jay swore fervently. The last thing he needed was for the man to think that he was unwell and incapable of taking care of his pseudo-daughter and doing his job. 

“Jay,” Voight started. “That’s good, I’m glad to hear it. She isn’t mad, she’s just concerned and quite frankly so am I. I need you with it one hundred percent and I can’t be worried that you aren’t. This unit,” Hank held out his arm and gestured to the still empty bullpen. “This unit is going to be yours someday, I have no doubt in my mind about that. But, you need to take care of yourself. Things like this morning are preventable and I know you know that. Set up your sessions whenever you need them, I will make sure you get to each and every one.”

Stunned, Jay slowly bobbed his head up and down. Only two other times was he able to recall Hank Voight ever speaking to him in such a way and that, topped with the news that he was believed to be the next leader of Intelligence, had Jay feeling speechless. 

“I’m going to get better, for her,” he found himself promising. 

“Get better for you,” Voight demanded. “You need to do this for you.” Before Jay got in another word, the unit’s leader turned on his heel and strode out of the breakroom with nothing more than a sharp bark over his shoulder for Jay to “Get to work!” 

Taking a moment to himself to fully grasp at what just transpired between him and his boss, Jay eventually turned around to grab the now cooled-off mug of coffee and made his way back over to his desk, decidedly feeling much better about the situation he involuntarily put himself in earlier. 

“She isn’t mad,” Voight had assured him. “She’s just concerned.” While he felt awful about her wasting her concern on him, at least he knew that she wasn’t stewing in anger and plotting out ways to kick him out of her life for good. He wasn’t sure what he would do with himself if she had currently been searching for ways to rid herself of him. He’d say this until he was blue in the face, but Erin was his everything, the only true ray of light that kept him afloat all of these years and came to his rescue when he had managed to blow that light out. It was pathetic really, how much he relied on her, but, as everyone loved to remind him, he was wired through the heart and Erin was his whole heart. 

Mid sip of coffee, Jay heard his phone vibrate against his desk. A quick glance downwards had him hastily placing the mug down on a stack of papers he didn’t even want to think about getting through today and unlocking the device to see what Erin had sent him. 

I’m sorry too…I shouldn’t have kept pushing when I knew you didn’t want to talk about it this morning. But, I am glad to hear that you have had a change of heart and are going to reach out to someone. I’m proud of you for that and I love you no matter what. Pick me up later for dinner at Hank’s? Or, do you want me to just meet you there? 

I’ll pick you up. Probably going to want to change before we go to Voight’s anyway. 

And you have nothing to be sorry…this one was all me. 

Jay…Let’s just agree that it was both of us because we both kept pushing back when we shouldn’t have. Deal? 

And you don’t need to change! It’s just Hank’s

Jay’s lips curled upwards at her efforts to compromise over what went down this morning; it was just another indication of how far they had come in the almost year since they had gotten back together. 

I love you

He had meant to shoot off another text in an effort to defend his stance on wanting to change out of his work clothes, but Voight’s head had popped out of his office and barked off an order at Jay before he was able to. 

“Halstead, when Upton gets here, I want you to take her to check out this address.” A slip of teared up paper was waved around, a silent demand for Jay to get up and take it. 

“Englewood? What banger are we going after there?” Jay questioned when he read the address his boss was ordering him and his partner to go to. 

“None,” Voight gruffly answered. Jabbing his pointer finger at the piece of paper, he added, “Supposedly, this is Bunny’s most updated LKA.” 

Jay tensed at the name of Erin’s biological mother. For two months now, the whole unit had been searching and searching for her and of course, just days after Erin arrives in Chicago for good, Bunny pops her head out of whatever burrow she had been hiding in. 

Rubbing his hand over his face and letting out an exasperated sigh, Jay questioned the legitimacy of the address. “Where’d you get this information from Sarge? I mean, Englewood…I don’t even think Bunny would be dumb enough to get mixed in with any crowds over there.” One of the hardest truths that Jay had to swallow in recent years was that Bunny was many horrible, horrible things, but she was not stupid. She was smart and cunning and knew how to look out for herself no matter the situation. The way Jay saw it, no way in hell would Bunny ever think to get mixed up with the inhabitants of what is arguably the worst neighborhood in Chicago. 

“CI of mine recognized her,” Voight answered in a tone that told Jay he did not like his sources being questioned. “And from the very little information I was able to get out of him, I don’t think Englewood was Bunny’s idea.” 

“She’s with someone?” The thought did not surprise Jay. For as long as he had known the wretched woman, she had been involved with one man or another, never wanting to spend more than a month or so single. 

“Just check out that address when Upton gets here,” the unit leader commanded, not even bothering to answer the question both men already knew the answer to: yes, she was with someone. 

The solid wooden door was slammed shut before Jay even had the chance to say “okay.” Moseying on back to his desk, Jay thumbed the slip of paper in between his fingers as his mind conjured up all sorts of scenarios as to what Bunny was mixed up in. Each one was worse than the last. Midway through imagining finding Bunny overdosed on drugs, already dead when he and Hailey got there, Ruzek and Hailey sluggishly entered the bullpen. 

“Rough night?” Jay chuckled as he watched them approach their desks, dragging their feet across the floor as they did. 

“Night, dawn, morning,” Adam groaned as he slouched down in his leather chair and place both hand over his now closed eyelids. “You two just had to announce your engagement on a worknight.”

Barking out a laugh at his friend’s complaint, Jay teased, “I’ll be sure to remember that next time Erin and I have big news to share.” 

“Man, I forgot how much Linds can drink,” Adam continued to grumble. “And let me guess, she barely felt a thing right?” 

“My girl can hold her alcohol pretty damn well.” There was no mistaken the pride that was in his voice. He loved that Erin could do more than hold her own when out drinking with the boys—she could pretty much drink them all under the table—and would never miss an opportunity to express that love. 

“Well, la dee fucking da good for her. Not good for me.” Jay shared a look with Hailey and noticed that she too was biting back laughter at her boyfriend’s misery. 

Waving off the conversation, Jay fully turned his attention over to his partner and advised her to not get too comfortable at her desk. 

“Voight’s got an address that he wants us to check out,” he informed her as he stood up from his own desk and pulled his brown jacket back on over his plain navy blue long-sleeved shirt. 

Hailey nodded with a soft groan and pinch of her eyebrows. “Let’s go,” she said. “We going anywhere good?”

Jay shot her a sideways glance that told her all she needed to know: nowhere good at all.

“Great,” she mumbled as the two partners began their descent down the stairs and out of the district. 

//

In a state of complete anger, Jay slammed his hands against his trucks leather steering wheel repeatedly, letting out shouts of frustration as he did so. 

The Englewood address had been an absolute bust. Aside from a few stray needles and empty beer cans and bottles of vodka, neither he nor Hailey were able to find any trace of Bunny in the run down house in extremely sketchy neighborhood. Once the house had been cleared, Jay and Hailey split up to search it. While on his own, he made sure to upend every nook and cranny of the rooms he was investigating, not wanting to miss a single clue as to what Bunny Fletcher was up to. He needed to solve this, he needed to solve this for Erin.

As sad as it was, Jay was acutely aware that Erin was never going to truly feel at home, or at ease, until she had her mother under her thumb. With Bunny on the loose, Erin was stuck living with unnecessary fear and anxiety that her mother was going to pop up out of nowhere and desecrate the new life she worked so hard to get. Erin didn’t deserve to live like that and it was killing Jay that so far, he had come up with nothing to put an end to all of her worries and doubts. 

What good was he as her fiancé if he couldn’t ensure her basic safety needs? 

“Fuck!” Jay roared as his hands came down hard on the leather`. He was sick of this, sick of the guessing and the unknowns and the inability to track down one woman who was usually so good at making sure she was seen and heard.

“Jay! Jay! Calm down!” Hailey yelled above his own screams. Vaguely aware of her hands maneuvering their way across his shoulder blades, he ceased his attack on the steering wheel and allowed the soothing feeling his partner was trying to provide calm his mind just enough so that it was no longer overtaken by his rage. 

“Voight assured me that this tip was legit, that this place was going to lead us to at least some answers,” he gritted out. “Hailey, why can’t I figure this out? Why can’t we find her?” 

He sounded desperate and scared and for once, he just did not care. Hailey had seen him plenty worse than this. She was his partner and a very good friend; what good was that if he wasn’t able to take a moment to let down his walls and let her in?

“Erin needs her gone, our relationship needs her gone. But, she can’t be gone if we can’t fucking find her!” Jay continued. He turned his head towards Hailey in hopes of finding an answer to at least one of his questions in her eyes and on her tongue. 

No such luck. 

Instead, Hailey tentatively moved one of her hands upwards to cup the back of his neck and gave it a light squeeze. 

“I’m not sure what to tell you Jay because I really don’t think you’re going to want to hear what I do have to say,” the blonde cautiously admitted. Her words triggered something in Jay and he had to refrain from delivering another attack on the leather wheel in front of him.

No, he was not going to like what Hailey had to say—especially if it was along the lines of what she had said to Erin last night. 

Earlier this morning, before he exploded on her, Erin confessed to the full conversation that he had with Hailey and how it had made her feel. Jay had been shocked at the guts Hailey had to even address Erin in such a way. Who was she to assume that their relationship was one-sided? To suggest that Erin was in no position to guide him through his demons? 

Angry at the situation, at the reminder of what transpired between the two women in his life, at the way he allowed his PTSD to take over his mind earlier, Jay found himself snapping at Hailey much more sharply than he normally would have. 

“You’re right, I won’t. And while we’re on the topic of you saying things I won’t agree with, I just want to say that you had no right to go after Erin like you did last night.”

As if she knew his remark was coming, Hailey quickly retorted, “No, I didn’t. But, I don’t think one person would really disagree with what I said. Hell Jay, even now, when you are so clearly not okay, we are talking about Erin! Look, I get it, she is your fiancé and she has way more history with you and the team than I ever will, but I don’t think that it’s right that we are always focusing on her. I mean, even now when you are clearly upset, we are talking about her! Someone needs to take you and your feelings into consideration and, as your partner and your friend, that responsibility falls on me. So, no, I will not apologize for what I said, if that’s what you’re looking for. Not a chance.” 

Huh. Jay was momentarily rendered speechless. How was he to respond to that? Hailey never really came at Erin, so he couldn’t strike up a defensive argument. All she really said was that she was doing what she thought was right as his friend. How could he fault her for that? Critiquing her methods? Deep down, Jay knew that was not going to do a thing. In the year and a half that he had known Hailey, he became very familiar with the fact that she was a very direct person. Not wanting to beat around the bush and worry about anyone’s feelings, she said what she felt and that was it. Both an admirable and off-putting trait, Jay struggled with reconciling the two characteristics. 

“Hails,” he started. “I appreciate that, I do. It’s nice knowing that you have my back in anything and you know the feeling is mutual.” He paused to offer her a small smile before he delivered the blow. “But, I don’t need you meddling into my personal life like this. You don’t know Erin and you really don’t know what goes on in our relationship. So, and I say this in the nicest way possible, please just butt out. If there really ever was a problem, I swear you’d be the first to know but there’s not and I don’t appreciate you going out of your way and insinuating that there is to her and to me.”

Unable to take in the baffled look on his partner’s face, Jay started up his truck and began driving away from this God-awful place. The longer Hailey was silent, the more Jay repeated what he said to her in his head looking for something that was remotely false or offensive. Okay, maybe he could have worded what he said a little nicer and maybe he could have taken a much more softer approach—she was just trying to be his friend—but Jay reasoned that the point he needed to make was there and she was just going to have to deal with that. 

“I worry about you Jay—”  
“—You don’t have to—” Jay fruitlessly tried to interrupt, but Hailey was quick to shut down any opposition.

“—Yes, I do! You invest so much of yourself in other people that you leave nothing for yourself. Yesterday, I was worried because I could just tell that you were off since going to see Mrs. Suggs. This morning, I could tell that something was troubling you. And just now, I saw the anger you have been bottling up come lose. I just…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you went off the deep end again and with Erin here, I know that it’s her job now to make sure you don’t. Last night, I just needed to make sure that she knew that. You…you’re the best partner I have ever had and you’re a great friend and I just…I don’t want to lose you again Jay. I won’t.” 

His immediate response to her long-winded monologue was that never did he recall Hailey sounding so timid. 

From the second he was first introduced to her, she was this badass detective that took no shit from anyone and was not scared to stand up to those who opposed her. Even when she was dealing with the immediate aftermath of capturing Booth and prompting a suspect to kill himself after he had been interrogated by her, Hailey stood tall and strong and kept up the image so many had come to associate with her. Not even when she was behind closed doors did she let her cool exterior completely melt and that was something Jay had come to admire most about her. So, to see her so expressive in her fear for him and his well-being had him feeling more than a little unnerved, the angry spark in his body that urged him to push back against her words, both last night to Erin and to him now, put out. 

Reaching over to grab her hand and give it a gently, grateful squeeze, Jay thanked her for caring about him and decided to confess to her his decision to go back to therapy. 

“Erin…she gets it. She gets it better than anyone, so you really don’t have to worry about that. And between her and whoever my new therapist will be, I will be okay. So, get used to me ‘cause you’re stuck with me for a long time Hails.” 

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” Hailey said with a beaming smile. “Look, if you want, I’ll apologize to Erin.” 

Jay pulled his hand from hers and waved her offer away. “The best thing you can do is forget it and move forward and get to know her. She is pretty great.”

No words of response came from Hailey’s mouth, so, with his eyes focused on the road ahead, Jay just assumed that she was nodding. Though, as he turned the truck off of the side street they were driving down and onto the main road, he could have sworn that he heard the blonde mumble to herself, “If you say so.” However, his mind decided just then that now was the best time for him to go back to imagining what was going on with Bunny, so he did not put much stock into the words he supposedly heard. 

//

Later that day, with two bouquets mixed with daisies and lilies in hand (Erin’s favorite flower and the flower the florist swore was the best known apology flower), Jay trudged through the front door of his and Erin’s apartment building and promptly got into the elevator that would bring him up to their apartment. 

His and Erin’s…their…those were phrases that never failed to bring a smile to his face no matter the day he had had. 

Today had been an emotionally draining one, that was for sure. All day, he struggled to reconcile the fact that Bunny managed to completely vanish from them again. It really fucking bothered him that he could not get a handle on the problem and, judging by the reaction of the team when he and Hailey got back to the district and announced that they found nothing, he was not the only one who was pissed off by the situation.

Continuously questioning what good he was to Erin if he couldn’t protect her from her mother of all people, Jay tried to bury himself in paperwork to get his mind off it. But, one was only able to do paperwork for so long before the monotonous task of reading over cases and signing their name transported them to an unparalleled level of madness. Halfway across the bridge to that particular level of insanity, Jay also found himself contemplating Hailey’s words and his current mental state. If anything, her concern and ability to easily pick up on his moods reaffirmed his decision to go along with Erin’s suggestion of seeing a therapist once again, a thought which thus brought him all the way back to the way he began his work shift: berating himself for being such an ass to Erin. 

It was a cyclical torture and by the end of his work day—one in which, thankfully, no case jumped off—Jay was beat, mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

The elevator dinged and Jay wasted no time exiting it, more than ready to be enveloped by the four walls of the apartment he and Erin were rapidly transforming into their home. Sporadically throughout the day yesterday and a majority of the day today, Erin had taken the time to spend her final few days of unemployment to unpack and rearrange their place to better suit each of their needs. There was the occasional picture that she sent him of a new location she found for the few framed pictures he chose to display and of newly positioned furniture. Originally opposed to the idea of her fixing up the apartment by herself, Jay learned quickly that it was just best to let her be and do her thing. 

“A happy wife means a happy life,” Atwater had jokingly mocked him earlier today over a mid-afternoon coffee break when Jay had expressed his sentiments while answering Adam’s question as to what Erin was doing all day by herself. 

Chuckling at the memory, Jay dug out his keys and let himself into the apartment. Immediately upon crossing the threshold, he was hit with an overwhelmingly calming scent and his eyes had to readjust to the extremely dimmed lighting. 

“Babe, I’m home,” he called out while kicking off his boots. ‘Once a soldier, always a solider,’ he mentally recalled as he bent down to adjust them so they sat perfectly in line with his other shoes. In doing so, he thought about how painfully true the recollection was; no matter how hard he seemed to try, nothing he did was good enough to pull his head out of the sand for good. Time after time again, he kept getting caught up in ferocious sandstorms and had to blindly grapple his way out of them.

“In the kitchen!” Erin called back to him. Guilt suddenly pulsated over his body as the announcement of her location reminded him why he was carrying two sets of bouquets instead of one. 

//

“Jay,” she gasped at the sight of the flowers her fiancé was presenting to her. “Those are beautiful!” Beautiful was an understatement, she thought as she reached out to grab the arrangement of yellow lilies and white daisies with yellow button poms mixed throughout it for a pleasing, filler affect. 

“These ones are for this morning.” Another gasp fell from her lips when he held up a second bouquet just as beautifully put together as the first. “And these ones are for me having to cancel on dinner at Voight’s tonight.” 

The joy that she had just been filled with at the sight of the flowers rapidly deflated out of her body. 

“Jay, babe, you don’t need to apologize, I get it, I understand and so does Hank,” Erin explained softly as she set the flowers on the counter top that she had been leaning against while waiting for him. 

Get it she did. When Hank called her a little bit ago to let her know that Jay had just left his office to drop out of their dinner plans, Erin immediate cancelled the dinner altogether. If last night had been a stretch for him, she had a feeling that there was no way he would be able to muster up the strength to sit through a full two—maybe three—course meal with Hank Voight. In fact, after his blow up this morning, she was surprised to hear that he initially agreed to go at all. 

This morning…God, this morning was not something she had been prepared for. In some ways, she viewed his expressed anger as a good thing; never before had Jay felt comfortable enough to express his frustrations and fight her on something other than where they were getting takeout from or what to watch on TV. In the past, when the going got tough, when he couldn’t handle the emotions building up inside of him, he left. This morning was the first real indication to her that he was serious and committed to being open with her more about the feelings he tried so desperately to hide away from everyone in his life…everyone but her. 

But, despite that revelation, this morning had also shook Erin to her core. In New York, she had been exposed to his violent side, the side of him that only ever really came out in his sleep. She had been equipped for that, having heard the story about what really went down with Abby that night in Vegas. Never before had she been exposed to this angry side of him and it scared her. Of course, she had seen him lose it on suspects and criminals, but that was always justified and to be expected in her mind (especially since she acted a hell of a lot worse than him around them). But, his anger had never, ever been directed at her or anyone she knew he considered to be a friend. Which is why when he turned around and stormed out this morning, she had been left shaking in place, not quite petrified but not quite at peace with this side of her man. Too many times had she seen Bunny’s ‘friends’ carry on in similar tones and for a brief moment, Erin had been transported from the living room back to the closet in her childhood home that she always used to hide in when the fighting got to be too loud and bordered physicality. 

Mere seconds had passed before Erin had been able to snap out of it and remember that this was Jay. Jay would never hurt her and Jay was not truly angry at her. He was exhausted and run down and struggling to keep his mental state in check. Once her hands stopped quivering, Erin decided that she too would reach out again to a therapist, thinking that Jay might appreciate having someone to go through the experience with and knowing that it was the only way she would ever be able to stop her mind from making ludicrous connections between the amazing man that asked her to marry him and the horrific men who used every bit of her mother that they could get before leaving her stranded with nothing but scraps of clothes on her back. 

“I…I know how much you were probably looking forward to dinner, I just…I just need a night with you…alone,” Jay mumbled, his words snapping her out of the river of thoughts flowing through her mind. Erin smiled softly at his words, loving the unspoken message they had provided her with: he needed an uninterrupted night with just her because she was the only one who had the ability to make him feel better. 

His words left her feeling confident in the choice she made following the phone call with Hank. 

“I love you and, as unnecessary as they were, thank you for the flowers, they’re so beautiful and will look great as a centerpiece for our dinner tonight,” she said softly as she shuffled across the small distance separating them so that she could wrap her arms around his waist in a loose hug. 

“They were necessary, I was an ass, the biggest fucking ass on the planet this morning. You didn’t deserve any of that,” Jay lamented as he draped his own arms around her shoulders and pulled her closer to his body. 

“Yeah, you were,” Erin agreed, knowing it was pointless to do otherwise. “But, it happened and it’s over with and you clearly needed to let it out and you did so that’s that. End of discussion, no more bringing it up the rest of the night. Now come on, I didn’t run around like a crazy woman setting this place up just for you to ignore it all to continue living in the past.” 

“What did you, oh!” Jay gasped when he looked up and finally registered all of the hard work she had put into decorating the kitchen for a soothing, yet romantic aesthetic. With a little help of the internet and an overly eager saleswoman, she had been able to bring home an assortment of candles and little lights to place all around their kitchen. 

“Now I know why it smells so good in here,” Jay remarked lightly as he pulled out of their shared embrace and led her over to the table that was fully set with their best looking plates and silverware. 

“Wait, I have to get the flowers!” Erin exclaimed after thanking Jay and before he was able to pull her chair out for her. “I told you, they would make great centerpieces.” Quickly, she grabbed one of the bouquets, jammed it into the tallest glass she could find, and set it on the edge of the table, out of the way of the Italian dinner spread that was still steaming with heat. 

She determined that the sound of Jay laughing at her antics was a far better sound than whatever song was playing faintly through the speakers from some romantic, date-night playlist she had been able to find on Spotify. 

“Ugh, this tastes amazing Er, where did you get it?” Jay moaned a short while later, his words practically unintelligible. 

“Get it?” she asked, feigning mock indignation that he didn’t think she was capable of putting together such an enjoyable dinner for him. “I made it.”

She nearly spat out the sip of wine she had just taken when, through the dim lighting, she watched Jay choke on his food and struggle to spit it back out on his plate. 

“Damnit Erin!” Jay laughed when he picked up on her own laughter. “That’s not funny! We both know that you can’t cook for shit!” More laughter ensued and through happy, tear-filled eyes filled eyes, she looked up and saw the biggest, childlike grin on Jay’s face. 

She decided then and there it was the best thing in the world to see. 

Shrugging as her laughter turned into a spatter of giggles, Erin confessed that their delicious meal was courtesy of a higher end Italian restaurant in downtown Chicago. 

“Thought great food would go along with the aesthetic,” she explained. Then, holding up her wine glass, she gestured with it for him to do the same with the beer bottle he had been nursing. “Cheers to us, finally getting to this point. It was damn worth it all if this is the outcome and if I get a lifetime with you.” 

Clinking their glasses together, Erin blushed as Jay turned Adam’s words from the previous night on her. “Erin Lindsay, soon to be Halstead, a romantic? Color me stunned,” he gently teased before leaning across the table and delicately placing his lips against her own. 

“I love you Er, and you’re right, it was damn worth it and I promise you, here and now, that I am going to get better so our future together is better than our past. What happened this morning will never happen again.” 

Erin smiled against his lips to let him know that she was more than okay with that. She knew that so many other things were going to come up and cause problems (the unfortunate mystery surrounding her mother being one of them) and if they both worked to solve one before the rest came, she was more than ready to do so and she was glad that Jay seemed to be on the same page. 

“Just one thing,” she said seriously when she pulled away. “Who says I am going to change my last name to Halstead?” She made sure to maintain control over her facial expressions this time as she watched Jay’s mouth gape like a fish as he struggled to come up with an appropriate response. 

“Uh, I mean, you don’t have to. Not at all. Keep Lindsay, hyphenate it, or don’t, I…it’s up to you babe, totally up to you. I mean, I’d like you to, but totally up to you,” he stuttered out, ocean colored eyes wide with fear that he was digging himself into a hole deep enough that he would have to go back to the florist for more flowers. 

“Jay, hon, shut up, I’m just joking. I’d love nothing more than to be Erin Halstead,” she assured, toying with the ring on her finger that symbolized her commitment to her statement. 

Changing her last name had been something she stayed up thinking about for more nights than she cared to admit. From the second she started dating Jay the second time, she had been captivated by the idea of marrying him and taking his last name. Jay Halstead was a good man, his name represented a type of integrity and kindness that was all too rare in the world. She wanted so badly to be a part of that, to share a name that stood for everything she fought so hard to be. Lindsay was the name of a nobody and represented nothing more than pain, suffering, immorality, and dishonesty. No one good shared the same last name as her and she herself did enough damage to further disgrace the name.

But, a small part of her struggled with the thought of letting the deadweight of her last name go. She fought to pull herself out of the hole she had been continuously pushed into and she made her name mean something. She was Erin Lindsay, the good and the bad a part of her. In the end though, those thoughts were not enough. She was still changing, she was still getting better, pushing herself to be worthy of the name Halstead, a name she came to realize had its fair share of scratches as well. It was a name that she wished for and, not only achieved, but felt that she was worthy enough of. 

Erin Halstead was going to be Jay Halstead’s wife, yes. But she was going to be so much more than that, she was going to make sure of it. 

“Good, good,” Jay said, unable to hide the relief and happiness in his tone. “I mean, I would totally understand if you didn’t want to change your name, or hyphenate, or whatever, but I am glad that you decided to not do that.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but a large yawn overtook his body, preventing him from doing so. 

“How much would you hate me if I asked you to forget about doing all of these dishes and putting everything away and just come to bed with me?” He sheepishly asked once the yawn passed. “I just, I’m beat and all of the food I just ate is making me even more tired.”

Erin simply blew out the candles on the table in response, got up and did the same to the rest of the candles that were lit around the kitchen. Practically in the dark, she grabbed a hold of his hand, pulled him up, and guided him down the hallway right to the edge of their bed, where she gently pushed him back so that he was sitting on the edge. 

Nimbly, her fingers pulled his shirt up and over his head before they traveled south, unzipped his jeans, and pulled them off of his body. There was nothing sexual about her actions, just a girl caring for a guy who would benefit from the affectionate actions. 

“Go to bed babe, I’ll join you in a minute,” Erin whispered as she trailed her lips across his bare chest and upwards until they connected with his mouth. 

She was going to pull away when Jay’s hands wrapped around her back tightly, preventing her from completing her desired movements. 

“Wait,” he begged. “Just let me kiss you for a little bit longer.” 

She consented to his request and allowed her lips to bring him to a level of bliss he desperately needed to reach.


	20. Chapter 20

“Deep breaths, you got this, you can do this, deep breaths,” Erin chanted to herself under the heavy jet stream of borderline scorching hot water pouring out of the shower head. Today was the first day of her new job and, while she was excited to begin her new career working in the shelter, she was also nervous as hell. 

For the past ten or so years, she had been Erin Lindsay, former street cop turned detective who worked in the some of the most elite units Chicago and New York had to offer. She had built a name for herself in the law enforcement field and those names were how she had come to view herself as because for the longest time, they were all she had known and possessed. Growing up with practically nothing and a name that people learned to rebuke, she clung to the badge that told the world she was not the junkie street kid that people once believed her to be. Detective Erin Lindsay had been respected by the best of the best and looked up to by the younger recruits who were struggling to work their way up into the force and then filter into specialized units.   
And today…well, today she was officially throwing everything that came with that identity out the window and trading it in for something entirely different. 

She figured her nervousness was justified and that warranted her an extra-long shower to come to terms with what was about to happen once she walked out the front door. The irritating pounding that cut into her thoughts and verbal reassurances said otherwise. 

“Erin, I don’t want to tell you to hurry up, but can you hurry up?” Jay’s shouted, his voice muffled by the closed bathroom door. “I gotta shower to and Hailey is going to be here in like twenty minutes!” 

Groaning at the interruption and knowing that her moment of selfishness had expired, Erin wiped the hot facecloth over her face one more time before turning the water off. Wrapping a towel around her body, she stepped out of the walk-in shower and walked over to the door and opened it so that Jay knew it was okay for him to come in, a slight chill blanketing over her towel-clad body as she did so. 

“You know, you could have just joined me,” she stated while watching Jay shed himself of the white t-shirt and red plaid boxer shorts that he had slept in. She watched as he tossed her a pointed look before stepping into the shower and turning the water back on. 

“And if I did that, we’d both never make it to work on time and I don’t think your new boss would appreciate you showing up late on the first day,” he reasoned. Before she was able to respond, Jay let out a low groan and grumbled just loud enough for her to hear, “There’s no more hot water!”

Erin only felt a smidgeon bad and let out a laugh when Jay’s voice upped an octave to say, “Tomorrow morning I am going to wake up extra early and use up all of the hot water so you know how much this sucks right now.” His words just made her laugh harder because they both knew that it was an empty threat; Jay would never do anything to desecrate anything that brought her comfort and made her feel good. 

Running a brush through her long hair and concentrating on the low grumblings Jay continued to let out, Erin found her earlier nervousness dwindling down to practically nothing. Even in an annoyed state, Jay still had the miraculous capability to calm her better than anyone or anything else had ever been able to. 

She could do this…she knew what these women and children needed because she had been in their shoes before…she could do this. Giddiness over her newfound confidence bubbled up in her as she quickly but steadily swiped the mascara wand over her eyelashes. 

Jay joined her by the bathroom sink when she was halfway through brushing her teeth. Turning her head and seeing him leaning up against the counter, towel hanging dangerously low on his hips, Erin quirked her eyebrows and silently prompted him to say whatever he was holding back behind his pursed lips. 

“My shower was cold, very fucking cold,” he plainly stated while she bent down to spit the toothpaste out of her mouth. 

Straightening back up, she shrugged and said with a smirk, “Well, not for nothing, but this morning it seemed like you kinda needed a cold one.” 

Jay scoffed loudly. “Can you promise me at least two hot showers a week? I’ll do anything,” he pitifully begged. Erin let out a loud guffaw when he dropped to his knees and brought his hands, which were in a praying position, up to his mouth. The look briefly reminded her of the time he pleaded with her to let him drive the GMC Sierra that had been briefly loaned to them while her trusty 300 got fixed. 

“Well…” She drew out teasingly. “I suppose I could maybe let you take the first shower one the days I don’t work or have to go in for the night shift.” 

“I’ll take it!” Jay exclaimed in mock victory as he got up off of his knees and pulled her in for a tantalizing kiss that had Erin wishing with all of her might they had more time to get ready. The kiss continued to escalate and, seconds before Erin was ready to say “fuck it” and risk turning up at work late on her first day, the loud chiming of Jay’s cell phone forced him to pull away with a breathy sigh. 

“That’ll be Hailey,” Jay announced, his displeasure all too noticeable. “What are the chances you can go stall her while I get dressed?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m on it,” she agreed, turning on her heel and briskly walking over to the nightstand where Jay’s phone laid. 

“Hey Hailey!” Erin answered, silently wishing that her voice sounded normal and not too cheery. Jay explained to her yesterday about his talk with his partner and while she completely understood where Hailey was coming from, it was still hard for her to see past the knowledge that her fiancé’s partner didn’t trust her. “Jay will be right out, he’s just finishing up in the bathroom,” she continued before Hailey was even able to get in a proper greeting. 

“Erin, hey, um, cool sounds good. Just tell him I’m outside waiting with a big cup of coffee. That usually gets him going.” Both girls let out lifeless chuckles and Erin found herself desperately searching for something to say before an awkward silence held them in captivity. 

“Thanks for picking him up,” she tried. “I really appreciate it.” 

Since she had no car of her own in Chicago and the shelter was not at all within walking distance of hers and Jay’s home, Jay had generously provided his truck for her to use so she would not have to rack up a lengthy Uber bill. “Just pick me up at the district after your shift,” was the only stipulation he had given before handing her his keys the night before. 

“Yeah, it’s no problem. His place is on my way to work anyway so it’s no biggie.” Erin tightened her grip on the phone at the lacking acknowledgement that it was their place, not just his. 

“Well, thank you,” she said again, not quite sure what else to say. Her efforts to save them from an awkward silence failed as nothing but the faint sounds of Hailey’s lips smacking together could be heard. 

Rifling through all of the information she managed to retain on the blonde detective over the year since knowing her, Erin struggled to find something else to say. Stall her, Jay had said, but she was coming up short on just how to do that. Which was why, she breathed out a deep sigh of relief when Hailey saved her from completely failing. 

“So, Kim was saying yesterday that you two are going dress shopping this Friday?” 

“Yeah!” Erin exclaimed, unsure if her exuberated excitement was over the new conversation topic or her first official step to further along wedding plans. “As long as nothing big jumps off for you guys, Hank promised me that I could have her for the day.”

“Think you can find a dress in a day?” Hailey asked conversationally. 

“Oh man, I hope so. I can’t stand shopping and who knows when Hank will be feeling generous enough to grant Kim another whole day off,” she answered with a slight laugh. When she spoke to Hank the other night—the night Jay pulled out of the dinner the older man had planned—she had to pull out every bartering chip she collected over the years to get the man to agree to let her best friend come shopping with her. 

“Well, good luck,” Hailey offered before inquiring for an update on Jay. Looking up and seeing her fiancé stumble around on one foot while trying to jam the other into one side of his jeans, Erin rolled her eyes at his inability to put on his pants in a rush and told Hailey, “He looks like he’s almost ready. Give him, like, five more minutes.” Seemed like a reasonable amount of time for him to figure out his pants and stick a pair of socks and boots on his feet. Judging by the way he quickly flashed her a thumbs up, Erin assumed he agreed with the estimated timeframe she had given his partner. 

“Alright cool, well, I guess I’ll talk to you later. Bye Erin.” The line was cut short just after Erin was able to say the same. 

“Did she say if it was cold out?” Jay asked the second she placed his phone back onto the nightstand. 

Standing up off of the bed, Erin waltzed over to the dresser that contained her clothes and let the cold, damp towel that had been wrapped around her drop as she dug through the top drawer for a bra and pair of underwear to put on. 

“No, but babe, it’s the middle of November in Chicago, so what do you think?” Erin pointed out sarcastically, well aware that Jay had stopped his bopping around to watch her clasp on her favorite, navy lace bra. 

“Man, I wish you were taking that off instead of putting it on,” he muttered with a shake of his head. Turning her own head to the side in order to hide the blush that crept over her cheeks, Erin took a moment to appreciate just how much a day off did for Jay’s mood. 

Since no cases had been assigned to the Unit, the team was granted a rare weekend day off and while Erin would have been content just hanging around the place and relaxing, Jay energetically dragged her out of bed and demanded that they spend the day strolling along the Riverwalk. 

“We had so much fun that day we spent running around New York.” His comment was a sign of how well he knew her; yes, that day sightseeing in New York had been fun, but it had also been crucial to his mental recovery of what had come of his life in the eighty-seven days prior. She knew that bringing it up was his way of saying he needed a day like that to get him out of his funk and she was incapable of putting up a fight against his suggestion, not if it would help him. 

So, like they did in New York, the two set spent the day like any normal couple would: walking hand-in-hand, taking shameless selfies of themselves, and even asking a few bystanders to take a posed picture of them that was now set as her lock screen on her phone. The photo featured Jay standing upright with one arm wrapped around her waist while she was tucked into his side, one arm roped around him while the other was placed on his chest. It was a candid shot: she was laughing into his chest over something stupid he had said (she couldn’t remember) and he was facing the camera smiling widely, the light in his blue-green eyes more noticeable than it had been for days. 

They spent a few hours just walking around before Jay suggested that they grab an early dinner at the Purple Pig. “I’ll even splurge and get you truffles,” he had vowed while leading her back to his truck so he could drive them to the desired destination. 

Prompting herself to come back to the present, Erin reached into another drawer for the sweater she planned to wear and slipped it over her head, thus ending whatever early morning lusty daydreams Jay was conjuring up in his head. 

“You did enough of that last night,” she remarked. With his spirits heightened and stomach content, Jay had been near insatiable in bed, not that she was complaining. Their four and a half romps (Jay was a giver, never a taker), had been the perfect ending to the perfect day and left her feeling so exhausted she got the best sleep she had had in a while. 

“Never enough,” Jay quipped, pulling her in for a quick peck on the lips. “I gotta go babe, have a great first day, I love you, and I’ll see you later yeah? Just text me if you’re going to be late or something.” 

Giving his flannel covered biceps a gentle squeeze, Erin stood on her tippy-toes and pressed her lips to his scruffy cheek, letting them linger there for almost a second too long. 

“I will,” she promised when she pulled away. A shout of “Be safe!” followed him as he dashed out of their bedroom and to the entryway where his boots and jacket were waiting to be put on. 

Erin smiled to herself; if every morning could be like this one, she’d be content for the rest of her life. 

//

Her mother yanked her arm once more, but eleven year old Erin felt no pain at the sharp movement. Instead, she complacently quickened her pace to that of slow sprint to keep up with the elongated strides of Bunny. 

“Mommy, are we almost there?” Erin dared to ask in a small, tired voice. It was nearing midnight and the little girl had been in a somewhat deep sleep when she had been abruptly woken up by her mother demanding her to gather an outfit or two and meet her by the front door in no more than five minutes. 

“Erin, just shut up and keep walking!” Bunny exclaimed in a quivering voice. “We need to get to safety and I don’t need you stalling us by asking stupid questions!” Her baby brother, who had been sleeping in their mother’s arms totally oblivious to the midnight flight they were participating in, woke up at the loud screams and began wailing uncontrollably. 

“Now you’ve done it! Here,” Bunny stopped and thrusted the crying baby into Erin’s unexpecting arms. “Take him and make him stop!” 

Struggling to hold onto her small, pink backpack that had her favorite shirt and grungy stuffed dog stuffed inside of it and Teddy, whose shrill cries got louder at the loss of comfort his mother’s arms previously provided, Erin’s pace reached an all-time low. 

“Mommy I can’t, I can’t keep up,” she cried out, wanting to be done with the night and go back to her bed. “My bag…and Teddy…Teddy, please stop moving.” She heard her mother let out an exasperated groan and watched as she stomped back to where Erin currently stood. 

“Teddy, shut up now! Shut up!” Bunny yelled as she took the one and a half year old baby back into her arms. “Come on Erin, let’s go. God, you know, I really could use your help just this once seeing as I am trying to save us, you know?” 

Erin quizzically scrunched her face together. Since they fled from their home almost an hour ago, Bunny kept saying that she was saving them. But, Erin did not know what they needed to be saved from. The only thing that she could think of was that, since Mr. Gary was not with them, maybe he was the one they were running from.

Mr. Gary was an awful man and she did not like him one bit. He yelled a lot (way more than her mother) and he always convinced her mom to take that funny white sugar she was never allowed to go near. Erin didn’t like her mom after she had some of the white stuff and Mr. Gary became intolerable when he had some. He hit her mom a lot and, when she wasn’t careful enough, he hit her as well. 

Yes, they must have been running from Mr. Gary. He must have done something bad again. 

The little family of three stumbled along until there were painful stitches in Erin’s side and, due to the rising humidity on a hot summer’s night, sweat was pouring down her face and causing her clothes to stick uncomfortably to her body.

“Mommy—”

“—We’re here!” Bunny sharply interrupted, coming to a halt in front of a tall, red brick building that was illuminated by the street lights around it. A black gate lined the premise of the building’s property and Erin wondered if that was to keep them out, or to protect them once they went in. 

Just as she was about to ask her mother what this place was, Bunny began making her way to the gate and shoved it open. Not bothering to hold the metal rods back so that she could slip through, Erin had to muster all of her strength to keep the gate from closing shut on her. 

“Mommy, wait up!” she yelled, gasping for breath and about ready to collapse from exhaustion. This was a new place for her and she did not want to be exposed to it on her own. Erin tried not to be too surprised when her mother actually did stop and wait for Erin to run up the cement path that lead to the building’s entrance. 

“What is this place?” Erin asked innocently, taking the hand her mother was no graciously holding out for her. 

“This is where you, me, and Teddy are going to stay for a while. Now come on, we have to go check in.” 

While her mother rang the doorbell once, twice, three times, Erin wiped her sweaty forehead and stared up at the door covered in chipped, black paint with only one question on her mind: did this new place have AC? 

//

Staring up at the familiar door that was still covered in chipped, black paint, Erin shoved her first memory of the shelter aside and pressed the doorbell once, twice, three times, just like her mother had done all those years ago. It was a redundant action, but one that felt right. 

“Erin!” The door flung open and a familiar woman greeted her cheerfully. “Come in, come in!” 

“Hey Mrs. Page, how are you?” Erin asked while she was being ushered inside the building. 

“Dear, how many times do I have to tell you, call me Mary or nothing at all,” Mary chided. 

“Mary, got it. Sorry,” Erin said bashfully. 

Gesturing for Erin to follow her into her office, Mary answered the question she neglected to answer with her rebuke. “I’m doing good dear, excited to have you officially join our staff. Wow,” the older woman prattled on as she lowered her body into a plush desk chair. “I still just can’t believe that after all of these years, you are coming back here to work. Talk about a full circle! In fact, I remember the night you, your mother, and your brother showed up here all those years ago!” 

“Yeah…” Erin said with a faint smile. “I do too. I was actually thinking about it when walking up to the front door.” 

Mary smiled sympathetically, knowing that those first few days in the shelter had been rough for the three of them as they attempted to acclimate to a new place and Bunny experienced some nasty withdrawal symptoms. 

“How are they? Your mom and your brother? We never got around to talking about them during your interview.” It was a harmless question, one that she was positive Mary meant no harm by asking, but Erin found herself struggling to put together an answer. 

“Uh…well, Teddy is good. He ended up moving to Louisville and is working in some big, fancy hotel there. And Mom, she uh, I saw her when I was here a few months ago. She looked…good.” The comment about Bunny was a bold face lie that she knew Mary saw right through. Thankfully, she chose not to say anything about it and changed the subject by going over what was expected of Erin while she was working and the rules of the shelter. 

All things considered, there wasn’t a whole lot for her to be briefed on. Most of what Mary was telling her seemed like common knowledge and the other half was a simplified variation of things she had learned while in the Police Academy. Plus, Erin was at an even bigger advantage because she had sought refuge in this very place and was able to personally relate to all of the victims and their children. 

“Any questions?” Mary asked once she concluded her spiel with a rundown of how to approach women and, in some rather unfortunate cases, children who came in high or overdosed on a substance while staying in the shelter. 

“Nope,” Erin answered with a nod of her head. “I think I got it all.” 

“Good, good,” Mary said as she stood up from her chair. “Now come on, I have you stationed in the kid’s playroom today. Figured I’d let your first day be fun and easy. There are currently only seven children under the age of twelve staying with us. A set of twin girls, a brother and a sister, a set of brothers, and a little girl. They’re all around the same age and have been here long enough that they all get on rather well. You’ll like them, I promise.”

Mary led her out of the office and the two women walked down the hallway and up a flight of stairs in silence. 

The older woman may have viewed this as an “fun and easy” day, but Erin viewed it the exact opposite. She loved kids, and she was thrilled to be in a position to help them, but she was not going to deny how scared she was to spend a whole day playing with them. Deprived of a normal childhood, she barely knew a thing about entertaining children. Even when she was working as a detective, her interactions with children were typically of the comforting kind after one or both of their parents had been murdered or kidnapped or put in the hospital by some crazy psychopath. 

Most likely sensing her apprehension, the older woman paused at the top of the stairs and said, “Don’t worry dear, this is nothing to stress about. Just tell them that you used to be a cop and they’ll have you playing cops and robbers all day.” 

“Cops and robbers, I can do that,” Erin breathed out with a firm nod, hoping with all of her might that what Mary was saying was true. 

“Yes, you can. Besides, this will be great practice before you have kids of your own.” Mary’s laughter over what Erin assumed to be the now ashen look on her face echoed throughout the staircase. “Oh dear, I’m judging by the beautiful ring on your finger that you and your fiancé want children someday,” the shelter’s director continued when it became clear that Erin was at a total loss for words. 

Kids of her own…the thought had popped in her head more times than she cared to admit recently, but that did not mean that the idea of them—of her actually giving life to someone and having to care for it—didn’t scare her. 

“Er, uh, yeah. Jay and I, we’ve talked about it some. They won’t be happening for a while though,” Erin finally found herself saying. 

“Jay? He’s your fiancé?” 

“Yeah, he uh, he actually used to be my old partner when I worked in Intelligence. He’s the best guy I’ve ever known,” Erin gushed, glad to be talking about the wonderful man Jay was instead of their hypothetical children. 

Mary surprised her by pulling her in for a tight hug. Erin had to choke back tears at the feeling of being wrapped up in her arms because it was the kind of hug that she craved for as a child, the kind of hug that a mother would give. 

“I am just so proud of the woman you became. To think that you used to once be that scrawny little girl that sat quietly in her brother’s room taking care of him all day while your mother did God knows what…I am just so proud of you and all that you have overcome to get this far in your life.” The words that Mary whispered into Erin’s ear were enough to put cracks in the dam that was holding back her tears, causing a few stray stragglers to leak out and drip down her cheeks. 

Pulling back and swiping her fingers underneath her eyes in an attempt to corral the tears that had not yet streaked down her face, Erin let out a watery laugh at how emotional she had become. Thinking on it though, one, semi-emotional breakdown was to be expected today given where she was. Mary was right, she had come such a long ways since that night some twenty years ago. She finally had the life that she always wished she would have and no amount of suffering that she had to endure could take that away from her. She had survived her past, a feat that not many people in her position had been able to say they were able to do. Who knew if the children she would meet today would be able to say the same, be able to come back years later and take on the positions of the people that tried to help them. 

“So, cops and robbers?” 

“Cops and robbers.” 

Erin’s lips turned upwards into a soft smile; the former in her could so that.

//

Turns out, she had nothing to fear because Mary had been right: once the kids found out what she used to do for a living, they subjected her to hours’ worth of playing cops and robbers each day she arrived to the shelter. Quickly becoming attached to each of the nine children she was in charge of watching over, Erin found herself deciding that she would be quite content if this was the only role that she took on at the shelter. 

“Is it bad that I actually wish I was going to work today?” Erin mused four days later to Jay while she blindly dug around the back of their closet for the box of shoes she had stashed there when she first began unpacking her stuff. 

“You know,” Jay’s voice sounded out from behind her. “If I didn’t know you so well, I would take major offense to that seeing as you are going dress shopping for our wedding!” 

Her laughter was abruptly cut off by a victorious, “Gotcha!” when her hands enclosed around the sleek shoe box she had been looking for. Crawling out of the closet and propping up into a squatting position, she chose to ignore the groan Jay let out when he saw the name of the shoe brand. Pulling the lid off and gingerly rolled the red tissue paper to the side, she placed the box on the ground and held up what she believed to be the most gorgeous pair of white heels she had ever seen. 

A pointed-toe heel, white leather covered the front and heel parts with white lace and tone-on-tone mesh lining both of the sides. There was no mistaking the iconic red sole that lined the bottoms of them. 

“Camille was obsessed with fashion and designer brands. Even though she didn’t have the money to buy anything designer, one of the ways she tried to bond with me was to go to these big name department stores and pretend we were going to drop thousands of dollars on shoes and clothes and bags.” Erin paused, momentarily too lost in her past memories to find the words to continue. “I wanted to hate every second of it, but coming from nothing, it was nice to pretend with her that I could have everything. After we’d leave the store, she would always turn to me and say, ‘One day, there’s going to be a really special occasion in your life and I am going to buy you something from one of these stores for real.’” 

Erin paused again and looked down at the Louboutin shoes in her hand, the expression on her face wistful.

“When she died, she left me a note that talked all about how much she grew to love me, how proud she was of me, how happy she was that Hank brought me into the family. And…and within that note, there was another small envelope that contained all of this money that I just knew was from her secret stash. A sticky note was taped on the top of the money that said, for your really special occasion.”

Tears began building up in her eyes and, with a closed mouth smile, she held up the heels higher with a shrug. 

“I bought these just before I left New York. I got all dressed up and took this money to Madison Ave and spent all day window shopping for something to buy when I saw these. It was love at first sight,” she sarcastically swooned. 

Jay took the shoes from her hand and closely inspected them. Erin watched intently, praying that he would approve of the shoes she selected to marry him in. He wordlessly handed the shoes back to her and it wasn’t until she delicately placed them back into the tan box they came in that his face split into a suggestive smirk and he said, “You are going to look sexy as hell in those. I love them. And I love the story.” 

From her squatting position, she lunged forward and into Jay’s unexpected arms. 

“Figured I’m only going to get married once, so might as well look damn good for it,” she whisper huskily against the sensitive spot on his neck. 

“I’m all for that,” Jay murmured as he pulled his arm up between their tightly enclosed bodies so that he could cup her chin and move her mouth away from his neck and to his lips. 

A heavy make out session was underway when the sounds of someone knocking at the front door pulled each of their attention away from the other. 

“Ignore it,” Jay growled before he slammed his mouth back against her own. She happily obliged, but the increasing sounds of the knocks made it quite impossible for her to follow her fiancé’s orders. 

“I can’t, it’s Kim. I have to go,” Erin explained once she pulled away and created a hefty distance between the two of them. She watched Jay’s mouth open and begin to form a response that was cut off by his phone’s text message ding. 

“Ugh, that’s probably Hailey. Now I have to go too,” Jay groaned as he hauled himself off of the floor. When he held out his hand for her to take, she did and let him use his strength to pull her body off of the floor and into an upright position. 

Keeping her hand wrapped up in his own, Erin lead them both to the front door and opened it while Jay was lacing up his black boots. 

“Who’s ready to go wedding dress shopping?” Kim burst through the door excitedly. “Oh wow, you actually look nice!” 

Erin jokingly made a face at her comment while Jay fell into a fit of laughter on the floor besides her. 

“As opposed to what?” Erin asked her friend, reaching out to grab her black quilted trench coat. Deny it all she wanted, Erin knew that she had put extra effort getting ready this morning, opting to wear a pair skinny black jeans, a white turtleneck sweater, and a pair of black, thigh-high suede, heeled boots. She even chose to put on a pair of pearl earrings that she very rarely wore and did more than her minimal amount of makeup. 

“Oh, you know what I mean,” Kim scoffed before grabbing the shoe box from her hand. “OMG are these the shoes? I want to see them now! Wait, Jay, shit, can he see them? Halstead, go away!” Normally, Erin would have been annoyed by her friend’s peppiness but today, she just couldn’t find it in her heart to do so. 

“Jay’s already seen them.” Erin’s announcement was all the approval that Kim needed before she gently tore into the box to get her hands on the designer shoes. “I thought it was just the wedding dress that the groom wasn’t supposed to see before the wedding?” Her question fell on deaf ears, seeing as Kim was too wrapped up in the beauty of the shoes Erin had picked out. 

“I think that’s how it’s supposed to go,” Jay piped up from behind her. Bundled up in his winter coat with his favorite black beanie that she had bought him in the early days of their partnership on his head, he pulled her into a one-armed goodbye hug and wished both girls to have fun dress shopping. “Pick out something nice!” He called out his shoulder as he bounded out into the hallway towards the elevator that would take him to his partner who was most likely already waiting for him outside. 

“Come on Kim, put them away or we’re going to be late!” Erin laughed once the two of them were left alone. “We have one day to find me a dress and I am not going to let you waste it on staring at my new shoes all day, got it?” 

Kim snapped her head up and rapidly nodded. “Yep, got it, sorry! Oh my God, Erin, we’re going wedding dress shopping! For you!” Rolling her eyes, but smiling widely just the same, Erin grabbed onto her friend’s arm and dragged her out the door and towards the elevator Jay just exited on. 

//

The dress shop Kim had set the appointment up with was three-stories and each floor was more overwhelming than the last. Everywhere she looked, Erin was met with an array of dresses all ranging from looking like nothing more than a simple slip to wider than a kitchen table ball gowns decked out in so many jewels she’d be surprised if it didn’t take a group of people to lift it off of the hanger and onto the bride. 

“Kim,” she uncharacteristically squeaked as the associate that would be helping them throughout the appointment led them to the fitting room that had been reserved for her. “What if I don’t find a dress today? What if my dress isn’t here?” 

“Calm down,” Kim ordered. “Your dress is here, I promise!” Erin begged to differ, but knew her friend well enough that her rebuttal would be tossed to the side before she was even able to get her whole argument out. 

“So, is it just you two today?” the associate, whose named was ironically Lindsay, asked when they reached the room meant for Erin. 

“Yep, just me and my maid of honor,” Erin replied, sending a warm smile Kim’s way. From the moment she got engaged, she had planned to ask Kim to take on the role and thought that it would best to do so while at the bridal salon. For one, the setting would put a limit on how loud Kim’s reaction got and two, once they found Erin’s dress, the two could switch places and find a dress for Kim. 

Too stunned to say anything, Kim squealed happily and pulled her into a tight embrace. Erin’s heart clenched when she felt tears from her friend’s eyes rub against the side of her face. 

“Thank you,” Kim whispered. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” 

Erin simply patted her friend’s back before breaking out of the hug. Turning her attention back to Lindsay, she confirmed once more that it would just be the two of them and they were desperate to find both of their dresses today. 

“When’s the wedding?” Lindsay asked, the fear in her eyes evident to both Erin and Kim. 

“June seventeenth,” Erin informed her. “But her boss is a hard-ass and really doesn’t grant days off.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Kim muttered while the associate briefly expressed her sympathies before turning the conversation back to the upcoming wedding. 

“Where are you getting married?” 

“Still figuring that one out,” Erin said sheepishly. “But ah, my fiancé and I decided on our colors last night and I know what kind of dress I want, if that helps?”

As luck would have it, yesterday had been another slow day for the unit—it was getting to be too cold for even criminals—and Hank let everyone out early. With the extra time they had been granted to be together on the eve of the big dress shopping day, Erin and Jay mutually decided that they would attempt to make put some effort into figuring out the details of their nuptials. 

Surprisingly, Jay seemed to have a good idea of what he wanted and Erin loved each and every one of his suggestions, especially when he declared his desire for a simple, navy and white themed wedding. 

“It’s both classy and easy and most importantly, not pink,” was what he had finished his pitch with, an ending that Erin found no disagreements with. 

“For my dress, I want something simple yet sexy,” Erin stated after sharing the color choices, even though Lindsay did not seem remotely interested in those; however, her interest came to life when Erin pulled out her phone and started swiping through the pictures she had compiled together over the course of the week with Mary while on their lunch breaks. 

Each of the dresses she had saved all had a similar, form-fitting sheath silhouette and plunging neckline. With the exception of one, there were no extra details present on any of them. 

“This one,” Erin pointed out when she swiped to the last picture saved on her phone. “Is my favorite. Is there any chance that you have it here? Or have something near identical to it?” 

She watched with bated breath as Lindsay typed the dress details into the iPad she had been holding. The dress was one that she had found late last night while Jay was cleaning up the empty takeout boxes that were scattered all over their kitchen table. It had a plunging V-neckline as well as plunging side cutouts. Lace covered the top part of the dress and through the hips of the sheath silhouetted gown. The straps of the dress where made of sheer lace that extended into a dramatic, deep V-back that was also made up of the sheer lace. Fabric covered buttons lined the back and the train of the dress was line with lace and little, delicate beads that were barely noticeable. Classy, sexy, and beautiful, Erin fell in love with the dress at first sight and got this feeling that told her this particular dress was the one. Out of all the pictures she had saved, this particular dress was the only one she actually could envision herself marrying Jay in. 

“Aha! Yep, we have it! I’ll make sure to pull that one for you,” Lindsay paused so that Erin could be allowed a moment jump up and down once excitedly. “Now, why don’t you get undressed, while I go hunting. Kim, you’re more than welcome to stay here with Erin or take a seat by the mirrors.” 

“I’ll go wait out there, Erin, make sure you come out in three dresses! Not just that one you like,” Kim advised before waltzing out to the area Lindsay—who left with her—suggested. 

Now that she was alone, Erin let out a shuddering breath, looked up to the ceiling, and wondered for a second if she was dreaming. 

This whole week had been a blur, one big beautiful blur. Her new job was amazing, she loved the people she worked with and the women and children she was helping, her and Jay have actually began laying down solid plans for their wedding, and she was here, in a bridal shop of all places, waiting to try on what she believed to be her dream wedding dress of all things. 

“Erin Lindsay, you are one lucky girl,” she whispered to herself before she started to undress herself and slip on the silk robe that had been provided for her and the white Louboutin’s that she had bought with Camille’s money. “One lucky girl.” 

//

Three and a half hours later, Erin and Kim were sitting joyously in an upscale restaurant a few doors down from the bridal salon having celebratory drinks over their successful shopping trip. 

If it weren’t for Kim’s “three dress rule,” Erin would have been a one and done shopper. Once she saw the dress she had specifically requested to see, she knew immediately that it was the dress she would be leaving with. Sure enough, when she put it off after modeling off two other similar styled dresses that ignited no feelings in her whatsoever, she greedily jumped into her selection and knew without even looking that the comfortable and moveable gown was her dress. 

Her already strong feelings tripled when she turned around and had to utilize all of her willpower to not burst into tears at the sight of her in such a beautiful gown. The effort she put into the act went to waste when she stepped out of the fitting room to show the dress to Kim. 

When Erin heard her best friend’s voice crack while saying, “That’s the one,” Erin was reduced to tears as she agreed. 

“It looks great with the shoes,” Kim said with a watery laugh as she got up to hug her. 

“It’s perfect,” was all Erin could bring herself to say in that moment. She found herself repeating the phrase when she discovered that the cost of the dress, even with the minor alteration of adding a layer under the sheer lace fabric that covered a portion of her upper waist, was under the budget that she had set for herself. 

Kim had not been so lucky to find a dress she loved so quickly.

Since Erin and Jay had yet to pick a location for their wedding, there was no telling how fancy or not the dress would need to be. In addition, Erin had no clue if she wanted her bridesmaids to wear short dresses or longer ones while standing beside her (if she was being honest, she just didn’t care), so she left that decision to be made by Kim. Looking back and knowing just how indecisive Kim could be, Erin held herself somewhat responsible for the extended amount of time and stress added to her friend’s appointment because she couldn’t decide which length to go with. 

Finally, Kim came out in a simple, navy blue, chiffon, A-line gown held up by thin spaghetti straps that cascaded into a keyhole illusion back. Classic, simple, and adaptable to whichever venue was decided upon, both Erin and Kim declared this to be the dress and quickly wrapped up their appointment. 

“I can’t believe you asked me to be your maid of honor, like wow, I…” Kim trailed off, swirling the glass of sangria she was holding around, her brown eyes fixated on the fruit filled liquid as it swashed back and forth. 

“Of course I was going to ask you,” Erin gushed. She reached across the table and grabbed her friend’s hand before continuing. “You are basically my best friend and I know Jay considers you to be one of his best friends as well. You’ve always been there for me, no matter what, and you are my only friend that doesn’t hold my past over my head and that means to me than you can ever imagine.” The last statement was no exaggeration. Even her oldest friend Annie loved to remind her of the girl she once was and struggled to see her development from that sixteen year old junkie she used to be. 

“Cheers to being each other’s best friends,” Kim said with big smile. 

“Cheers!” Their glasses clanked together and after a few more sips of their drinks had been taken and lunch orders had been placed, Erin turned the conversation away from wedding talk and towards the happenings of what was going on the at district. 

“I hear about cases and stuff from Jay, but he pretty much keeps his head out of everything else,” she complained. 

“Honestly, I hate to disappoint, but there really hasn’t been much going on, which has been strange. I mean, I’m sure Jay’s filled you in on what’s happening with Kelton…” There was a pause for Erin to confirm or deny the speculation. She nodded her head yes, Jay had told her all about that. ‘Ranted and raved was more like it,’ she thought to herself as Kim picked up where she left off. 

“Yeah, well, that has everyone on edge because if he gets elected, the unit is basically done. But uh…that’s it. Platt’s still Platt, Kev is the same, so is Adam, well, he’s still with Hailey but…yeah…and I’m sure Jay tells you about Hailey since she is his partner and Hank is practically your dad, so nothing really new to report.”

Disappointed that her friend didn’t have anything more to say, Erin dared asked what the brunette sitting opposite of her thought of Adam dating Hailey. 

“I mean, does that bother you at all? Or are you guys like, completely platonic now?” 

“It is what it is, I don’t know! It’s Adam and I love him, I’ll always love him. At first I was kind of thrown off by them, but he’s happy and I think she is too and all I want is for him to be happy. We didn’t work out for a reason, so all the best to them.” Kim raised her glass in mock salute and took another sip of her drink. “But, if I’m being honest, I think they’re both in it for the sex and nothing else. I mean, they’re friends and all but they aren’t like romantic with each other or anything.”

Erin quirked her eyebrow at this information. Leave it to Ruzek to be in some odd, sex-based, committed relationship with a girl he and his ex-fiancé both worked with. 

“Ugh, if there’s one thing I miss about Adam, it’s the sex,” Kim continued. “I really fucking miss the sex.” Both girls shared a look before bursting out in laughter. 

“That good, huh?” Erin asked as her laughs dulled down into little bursts of giggles that turned back into laughter when she saw the way that her friend nodded in confirmation. 

“Hailey is one lucky bitch,” Kim sighed. “Say, what do you think of her?”

Erin shrugged. “I don’t really know her that well. She doesn’t like me, I can tell you that.” She then spilled into a long-winded explanation of what happened last weekend at Molly’s and the talks that the blonde has had with Jay about her. 

Kim stared at her pensively once she finished talking. “I think she likes Jay and that’s why she doesn’t like you. She’s jealous.” 

“No! You think?” Erin exclaimed, bringing her own sangria to her lips and taking a sip as she mulled over her friend’s idea. 

“Yeah, yeah I really do actually. It would make sense why she’s so protective of Jay and why she seems apprehensive of you. Not for nothing, the whole unit was a bit iffy when we heard that you and Jay were back together—we don’t think like that anymore,” Kim interjected her own words when she saw that Erin was about to open her mouth and interrupt. “—But we were for a hot second, and I know you know why.” Yes, Erin did know why; the reason had become her all-time biggest regret in life. 

“Anyway, we all got over it pretty quickly but she didn’t and apparently, she still hasn’t. I don’t know, I could be making all of this up and reading too much into it, but it’s a possibility.” 

Erin mulled over the words and decided after a moment’s thought that they didn’t bother her. Jay loved her, he was with her, he wanted to marry her, and spend his life with her. There was no need or reason at all for her to question his devotion and love, especially over something that may or may not be true to begin with. When Erin told Kim as much, Kim agreed with her stance and questioned her about her new job. 

“It’s amazing,” Erin gushed before launching into individual stories about each of the kids she had been spending her week with. She told Kim about the set of brothers, seven and eight year old DeAndre and Cameron, who refused to be a part of the “robbers” group when they played cops and robbers because they were petrified of turning out like their father. She followed that up with a story about little six year old Violet who was fascinated with princesses and loved spending time looking through Erin’s phone to find the perfect princess dress for her to wear when she got married. 

“She’s going to be devastated when I show her a picture of my actual dress and see that it’s not this big, voluminous ball gown,” Erin chuckled before she told her friend all about eleven year old Evan and how he always shared extra portions of his dessert with his nine year old sister Emily because he knew that she had the biggest sweet tooth around. 

“They sound really great Erin,” Kim said once she concluded with a story about the twins, Katie and Kendall, and how they were so identical Erin had to re-do their hair each day so that she could tell them apart.

“Yeah, they are. Doing this kind of work is definitely not how I pictured my life turning out, but now that I am doing it, I absolutely love it. Of course, the kids and people definitely add to that and who knows if my love for the job will change when they leave the shelter, but for now it’s great,” she explained, the smile on her face telling more about her happiness at her new job than her words ever could.

“So, does that mean you officially decided to decline the chance to come work in Intelligence again if by some miracle one gets offered to you?” The smile on Erin’s face plummeted at the mention of the other possible career choice that may get dangled in front of her. 

Since neither Jay nor Hank had brought it up to her since she first moved back, Erin had let the idea get tucked away in the back of her mind to collect dust. For a long time, she thought her stance on how no longer being a detective was unwavering. But, for two split seconds, one when she was talking to Kim and the other when she was talking to Jay about taking up her badge again, Erin had actually wanted to do so. Scared that she had made the wrong choice, she welcomed Jay’s suggestion that they wait to have a conversation about it and determined that he was going to have to be the one to bring it up. Doubt was the last thing she needed in her life right now and she was not going to be the one to reintroduce them. 

“I-I don’t know. I really don’t Kim. I, I miss you all but I am happy where I am and I just…I just don’t know. So far, I haven’t heard anything about Intelligence being a viable opportunity and until I get some sort of inclination that it will be, I have decided to just not think about it.” Erin could tell that she let Kim down with her answer, but she didn’t have anything else to say. 

Thankfully, she was spared the awkwardness of having to apologize for something she really wasn’t sorry for by their waiter placing their lunch orders in front of them. 

“Oh my God, this tastes so good!” Kim exclaimed, her energy spiking once more after momentarily dropping as she took a large bite out of the bacon cheeseburger she had ordered. “Who knew dress shopping would make you so hungry!” 

Mid-bite into her own bacon cheeseburger, Erin could only pleasurably moan in agreement. Before she had the chance to verbally express how delicious her own food was, the stifled sounds of her phone ringing robbed her of the chance. 

Simultaneously she washed down the few bites of her burger that she had taken with the glass of water the waiter had brought over when they sat down and dug her phone out of her bag. Checking the caller id and seeing that it was Mary calling her, Erin figured she shouldn’t ignore and answered the phone. 

“Hey Mary!” She greeted. Her cheerful sentiments were not reciprocated. 

“Erin, I hate to have to tell you this over the phone, but you may want to get over to Chicago Med right now,” her boss said in a grim tone that turned Erin’s blood to ice. She faintly heard Kim ask her what was wrong as she adamantly demanded to know why she was being told to rush to the hospital. 

“Sweetie, you’re mother showed up here not too long ago. She, she was in really bad shape. An ambulance had to be called and she was picked up right before I called you. Erin, I’m sorry but it…it’s not looking good. I really suggest that you get to Chicago Med as quick as you can.”

She pulled her phone away from her ear and hastily cut the line dead, not wanting to hear anything more. 

“Erin! What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” Kim asked worriedly, jumping up out of her seat and coming around the table so that she was at Erin’s side. “Erin?” 

Lips curving downwards, Erin slowly turned to face her friend before telling her in a dull tone, “I need to get to Med, my-my mother, Bunny, she…I-I need to get to Med. Now.”


	21. Chapter 21

With both of the unit’s female members out wedding dress shopping and meeting with a CI respectfully, the male members took full advantage of having the space to themselves. Greasy pizza dripped down their hands and onto their desks as Adam and Kevin good-naturedly ribbed Jay, who was laughing so hard at their jokes he was struggling to keep his body upright.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jay called out, finding the need to defend himself when Adam asked him if he was going to be the one wearing the dress and Erin in the suit since she “wore the pants” in their relationship. “There will be no dress wearing on my part. I will be in a nice, crisp, navy blue suit. In fact, as my groomsmen, you two idiots will be as well.” 

It was probably premature of him to even ask them to take on such a role in his wedding—especially since, asides from Kim, Erin had yet to decide who was going to be in her bridal party—but Jay knew without a doubt that he wanted both of the men who were more like brothers than anything else by his side on the most important day of his life. 

“No way!” Adam exclaimed excitedly in conjunction with Kevin’s, “For real bro?”

“Yes way,” Jay chuckled. “I’d like for you two to be groomsmen in my wedding.” All three guys got up at the same time and enveloped each other into an awkward, three-person hug in the middle of the bullpen. 

“Man, are we going to throw you the best bachelor party around!” Adam vowed when they pulled apart. “I promise, you’re going to love it!”

Jay used all of his might to hold back the shudder at the kind of party his two friends were most likely going to come with and mustered up a convincing, “Can’t wait” in response. 

“So bro, who else are you picking to be groomsmen?” Kevin asked once he returned back to his seat and taken a hefty bite out of the slice of pizza he had been eating. 

“Yeah, and who’s your best man? Just ‘cause we probably should include whoever it is in planning the bachelor party. Not that we don’t mind doing it ourselves, but, you know, the more the merrier!” Adam’s voice sounded garbled since, unlike Kevin, Jay noticed he did not want to wait to swallow his own pizza bites before talking.

“Um…pretty positive it’s going to just be you guys, plus Will, as the groomsmen and Mouse will be my best man,” he confirmed. 

His two best friends and his two brothers: Jay was unable to think of a better combination and was more than confident in the choice that he had made. Between the five of them, they had been through so, so much—both good and bad—and it seemed only fitting that a wedding of all things would be included in that mix. Plus, they all had some sort of personal connection to Erin and that alone had been a very important factor for Jay when he was thinking about who to choose. They were just as much her brothers and her friends as they were his and, on the day that he and her were to officially become a family of their own, he wanted them to be surrounded by those they already considered to be family. A completely cheesy thought yes, but Jay figured that he was allotted one or two of them since it was his wedding after all. 

“No way!” Adam shouted out again. “Mouse is finally coming home?” 

“Uh, I don’t know,” Jay confessed with a helpless shrug of his shoulders. Nothing bothered him more than not knowing what the status of his brother’s deployment was and how he was doing overseas. “I haven’t exactly spoken to him about it yet. He, uh, actually doesn’t even know that I am engaged. That’s how long it’s been since I last talked to him.” A fact that wasn’t true by lack of effort. Every other night before he went to bed, since that was when it was a reasonable morning hour in Afghanistan, Jay tried calling the number that Mouse had given him before he deployed. So far, in the past four months, he had been unable to make a connection and was about ready to screw the phone and begin sending letters. 

“Shit bro, that’s tough. Hope he’s doing okay,” Kevin offered up. Jay was only able to offer half a smile in response as he thought to himself, ‘Yeah, me too.’ 

“So, navy suits?” Adam not so tactfully changed the subject. “I can get behind that. I look good in navy.” 

Rolling his eyes, Jay jibed, “Ruz, pretty sure the day is about how good Erin is going to look, not you. In fact, I am willing to bet a week’s salary that no one is going to give a damn about what you look like.” 

Kevin laughed and cheered Jay for his comment and Adam wasted no time countering back. 

“Ah, see, that’s where you’re wrong my shackled friend. All of the single, desperate women looking to have slutty wedding sex will definitely give a damn.” Jay rolled his eyes once more at how cheerful his buddy sounded at the prospect. Leave it to Adam to be thinking about having slutty sex at his and Erin’s wedding…

“Wait a minute!” Jay exclaimed, his eyes shifting over to his partner’s empty desk before he turned back to Ruzek and continued. “What about Hailey? Did you two break up?” 

“Yeah dog, I thought you were still with Upton,” Kevin chimed in, his tone just as confused as Jay’s. 

“We didn’t break up, but who knows how long we’re going to last. Our relationship is basically an exclusive friends-with-benefits setup anyway since she’s made it very clear that she does not want an actual relationship,” Adam exclaimed. Jay was surprised to pick up on hints of frustration in his tone. 

Hailey seldom spoke about her personal life with him and, as a result, all he was ever rarely able to get out of the blonde was that she was happy with Adam. He had no clue their relationship was based on sexual favors only, especially judging it by the way she blurted out to him that she was “seeing” the man. Maybe he could be classified as an old-fashioned thinker, but “seeing” meant “dating” in his book, not “screwing.”

“So Jay,” Kevin said, turning his attention away from Adam and his girl problems. “Who’s Erin going to have as her bridesmaids?” 

Scratching his scruffy jawline, Jay admitted that he had no clue. “All she’s really told me is that she was going to ask Kim to be her maid of honor, but other than that, I don’t even think she knows,” he admitted. 

Admittedly, who Erin was planning on asking to be in her bridal party was one aspect of their wedding that Jay was actually very curious to find out. Even before her abrupt departure from Chicago almost a year and a half ago to date, Erin’s group of friends outside of the unit was miniscule at best. There was her oldest friend Annie, who he only met a handful of times, and Caitlin, the girl she tried to set him up with back when he first joined Intelligence. Truthfully, Jay silently hoped that Erin would ask neither girl to be included in the wedding, but he knew it was a futile wish. He considered himself to be a forgiving person, but he didn’t think he’d ever be comfortable around Annie ever again since she was the one who initially put the thoughts of leaving Chicago—leaving him—for good in Erin’s mind. As for Caitlin, he had nothing against her and meant it when he told Erin years ago that he thought she was a “wonderful” girl. But, something about having the girl Erin tried so hard to set him up with being given the chance to be so involved in his and Erin’s wedding had him feeling a little more than uncomfortable. 

Annie and Caitlin aside, the only other girls that Jay knew Erin associated with was Gabby Dawson, Natalie Manning, Sylvie Brett and Kim Burgess. Gabby was still in Puerto Rico, which saved him from potentially having another ex-girlfriend in the wedding, and he wasn’t sure if Erin considered the other two close enough friends to be included. 

“Well, can I just put it out there that, if possible, I get someone good looking and single to walk down the aisle with?” Kevin’s question pulled Jay from his inner musings and prompted Adam to express the same desires if he and Hailey were done by June seventeenth. 

Annoyance flared up in Jay at how casually his friend talked about no longer seeing his partner and the types of girls he wished to sleep with once whatever relationship they had was terminated. Despite being unaware of the whole situation, Jay knew at the very least that Hailey did not deserve the attitude her boyfriend was currently harboring and he made a mental note to speak to Adam later on the subject. 

“You two are ridiculous,” he chuckled as he made his way back to his desk to finish his lunch. “Don’t get your hopes up, I think there’s only one possible girl she’d pick that’s single.” He kept the fact that neither of them seemed like they would be Caitlin’s type to himself; the already shared heartbreaking information seemed to do enough damage to their egos as it was.

While Kevin and Adam voiced their complaints, Jay tuned them out and reached for his phone to see if there were any more updates from Erin and Kim. Earlier today, Erin had been texting him nonstop, starting with how nervous she was about finding the dress and then transitioning into a multitude of pictures of gaudy, and quite frankly downright ugly, white dresses. Underneath each of the pictures, Erin made sure to include her own commentary on what she thought of the white gowns, each critique being funnier than the last. The messages abruptly stopped flooding his phone and, for about thirty-ish minutes, he was left to wonder what types of dresses Erin was being forced to try on and if there were any that she personally picked out. All she really told him about her dream wedding dress was that she wanted one and she didn’t want it to be too extreme. “Simple” was the word she continuously used every time he tried to weasel out a clearer picture from her. 

Midway through imagining what she would look like in some of the more voluminous gowns she sent pictures of and mocked, two texts came through his phone in the span of five minutes. The first was from Kim saying nothing more than You are going to be blown away when you see her…she looks so beautiful. By the time the text from Erin came through, Jay already had an idea as to what her message to him said. His suspicions were confirmed when he read the short, three-word phrase: I found it 

There have never been any doubts in his mind that she would take back her “yes” and leave him brokenhearted, alone with nothing more than the gold, diamond ring he had given her. But, that didn’t stop the now unrestrained joy that raced around his body at the visual confirmation Erin had found her wedding dress. The solid, concrete nature of purchasing the gown seemed to be all his mind needed to finally realize that this wedding was happening, their engagement was real, she had said yes and was committed to spending the rest of her life after June seventeenth as his wife. 

Not long after he had been able to contain some of that joy he felt, his phone began being flooded once again with texts from Erin as she freaked out over the style and look of the bridesmaid dresses. 

There are so many, I don’t know what to do or say!!! HELP!!! She desperately typed out in about fifty or so different ways. Feeling bad as he did so, Jay just let his phone keep buzzing with texts until there were no more texts for her to send without some kind of response from him. 

Jay knew that he probably added to her frustrations and made matters slightly more stressful for her when he finally texted back: Babe, what do you expect me to know about bridesmaids dresses? Just let Kim chose since she has to be the one wearing it.

Thanks for nothing Halstead, had been the too-prompt response that he just rolled his eyes at and figured, between the two of them and the people who worked at the salon, they’d figure it out. Sure enough, almost two hours later, a full body shot of Kim wearing a pretty, floor-length dress had been sent to him. No words had accompanied it, so Jay figured he’d say that he at least liked the dress and asked if that was the one. 

That’s the one! Was Erin’s final text to him. His last conversation with Kim took place not long after when she told him that they were going to go out for lunch and drinks. Emphasis on drinks, she had texted with the laughing face emoji. That had been almost three hours ago and now, just being after 1:30, Jay was beginning to get curious about what they were doing. 

However, his curiosity was forced to continue simmering when he saw that there were no new message notifications on his phone. 

“No word from the girls?” Kevin asked, having clearly noticed what he had been looking for. 

“N—”

“—Ruzek, Atwater, call Upton, get down to this address, and get as much security footage of the area that you can! And talk to every damn person that you see! If they don’t want to talk, make them!” Voight yelled out as he frantically rushed out of his office. Jay was on high alert as he watched his boss slam a piece of paper down onto Adam’s desk and turn towards him. “Halstead, with me, NOW!” Voight’s tone left little to no room for questions of any kind, so Jay haphazardly threw on his coat and grabbed his gun off of his desk before jogging after the unit’s leader, who was already halfway down the stairs. 

Once in Voight’s car, the sergeant floored it out of the parking lot before Jay could even get his seat belt on properly. 

“Woah, Sarge!” Jay exclaimed, his hand instinctively reaching up to grab the handle above the passenger window. “What the hell is going on?” 

“Bunny was just brought to Med,” Voight grunted out as he swerved in and out of cars without a care in the world as to whether he was being reckless or not. “It’s not looking good.” 

Jay’s felt his stomach drop dramatically. 

“Does Erin—”

“—I don’t know,” Voight sharply interrupted. “The hospital called me. Apparently, I am Bunny’s emergency contact.” A humorless laugh fell from Voight’s lips, the thought of being given such an honor in Bunny’s life apparently felt as much as a joke to him as it sounded to Jay. “She showed up at the shelter Erin works at not too long ago, beaten to a pulp and high as a kite. I’m assuming Erin’s boss called Erin and told her what was going on since she knows who Bunny is and if by some miracle she didn’t, we are not calling Erin and telling her until we have a clearer picture of what’s happening, you hear me?” 

Jay nodded, the excess of thoughts whirring around in his mind preventing him from offering up any contradictions. Bunny was in the hospital. Bunny had been beaten and was in the hospital. Bunny got high, was beaten, turned up at Erin’s place of work, and had to be taken to the hospital. No matter how many times and how many different ways he said it, Jay was unable to wrap his head around the situation. For months, they had been searching for this woman and now, out of the blue, she turns up in an unimaginable state. Well, partly unimaginable. The fact that she was high came as no surprise to Jay; the woman never possessed the strength needed to get clean and stay that way. The fact that she had been beaten though…he had not been expecting that. 

Voight made it clear after a month of searching for Bunny that she had gone into hiding and, when she wanted to hide from something, she made it damn near impossible for her to be found. Everyone took what he said to be the truth because, even with all of the resources the Chicago Police Department had to offer the supposed smartest unit of cops in the city, they had come up short in their search for her. So, to hear that someone had managed to beat them to the punch twisted Jay’s already tightened stomach tighter. How had they done it? Did she all of a sudden become careless and give up her location? Or had she been with them the whole time and this was her first shot at getting away? All of the endless possibilities kept playing out in his mind until one, very problematic thought brought them all to an abrupt halt. 

Erin. This woman was Erin’s mother and no matter how screwed up their relationship had gotten, Jay knew that Erin was not going to take this lightly. Bunny was her mother, the only real biological parent and family she had ever known. Despite all of the heartache, pain, and misery Bunny brought, that one, tiny title meant something to Erin—it meant so much to her that she willingly cut herself off from her true family and friends without a second’s thought just to keep the woman out of federal prison. There was no way that Erin was going to react anyway but poorly to the news and Jay finally unscrambled his mind just enough to tell Hank that the sooner she finds out, the better. 

“She needs to know Sarge, she needs to be there,” he countered in the gentlest tone his voice allowed. If his driving was any indication to go by, Voight was not taking the news all that well himself, and Jay had no desire to further sour his boss’s mood (especially not when he knew that this day was about to become a victim of high and uncontrollable emotions the second they arrived at the hospital).

Jay stared at Voight, watching how his boss’s worn, aged fingers clenched around the steering wheel. Unsure as to why, but the actions had the old pictures he and Hailey had found of Voight and Bunny coming to mind. Even back then, he knew that it meant something that Bunny had kept them all of these years, especially since she barely kept any of Erin and Teddy. He questioned their meaning then, and he found himself questioning it now. So, while he watched his boss try and hold back the lashing he so very much wanted to give him, Jay found himself asking, “Why are you Bunny’s emergency contact? Did you know you were?” 

“No, I had no idea.” The answer was spat in frustration. “But I guess it’s because I’m all she really has. Lucky me.” A dark laugh followed it up before Voight let out a very uncharacteristic sigh. “Bunny and I…growing up, we were best friends. Her family lived a few houses down from my own.” Jay was stunned. Of all the explanations he had been expecting, the one currently being given to him was the last one he expected to get. 

“Her home life wasn’t so great, so she hung around my place a lot. My mother loved her. Bunny used to be so…so full of life, always happy. By the time we started high school, she spent more time at my house than she did her own. Then, her mother died and her father just went crazy so she practically moved in.” Voight stopped talking for a moment, though, whether to collect his thoughts or briefly live in the past, Jay did not know. “She was my first girlfriend.” The confession had Jay choking on his spit. 

Bunny and Voight? He couldn’t imagine it, not even in some parallel universe.

“But then, her father started demanding that she be home more to help around the house or whatever. She ultimately stopped staying at mine altogether. Next thing I knew, she came to school less and less, and when she did, she rarely ever stayed a full day. Cancelled more dates than I can count and when we did get together, it’d always end in some big fight. Come to find out, her dad’s buddies were forcing her to do coke with them and she got herself hooked on it. My parents and I tried to help her, but the damage had been done, she got sucked up into the life she used to pray each night she’d never get trapped into. We broke up shortly after and that was that.” 

The story ended so casually that Jay had to wonder if he dreamt up the conversation. ‘No,’ he promptly squashed the thought. ‘Not even your wildest mind could come up with that.’ Erin knew so little about her own mother and Jay always wondered if knowing all of the details of Bunny’s past would help her in some way; help her understand that nothing her mother did was her fault, help her understand that Bunny just was who she was and there was no changing that. After hearing a small sampling of those very details he knew Erin craved for on the worst of nights, Jay became convinced that maybe she’d be better off not knowing because in some way, it seems worse to think about Bunny living an unselfish life outside of drugs. Hearing that her addiction had not been purposeful, that she too was a victim of circumstance and had the only parent in her life be responsible for so much bad was shocking to say the least. 

Anger, sympathy, and—dare he say it—understanding washed over Jay. Anger over Bunny not being strong enough to break the cycle and putting her kids through exactly what she endured as a child. Sympathy for Bunny because maybe, at the very core of her being, she had been a good person and a series of unfortunate happenings ripped that identity away from her. And understanding because now it all made sense why Voight always cared so strongly for Erin and why he had never truly been able to stop himself from coming to Bunny’s rescue each time she needed money or a safe place to stay. 

“You never stopped caring about her,” Jay dared to say, hopeful that his boss’s attention was too occupied with the cars he was expertly weaving in and out of to reach over and wring his neck for bringing up something so personal.

Voight’s response was direct and to the point, his tone both sincere and firm. “She was my best friend.” Nodding, Jay accepted the silent cue that the conversation was over. 

Silence filled the SUV. Both men were too lost in their own thoughts to converse with the other anymore. Jay’s desire to bring Erin into the loop about Bunny had been put on the backburner when Voight started to talk about his unknown past with the woman. But, with that info session now over, he contemplated bringing up the issue once more. 

Erin deserved to know. She had to know. If anything was to happen and Bunny somehow didn’t make it, Erin was going to be pissed that she wasn’t there, that she never got to say goodbye. Their situations were so incredibly different, but Jay was all too aware of the guilt and pain he still felt over the last conversation he had had with his father. There was no proper goodbye, no coming to an understanding, and no real coming to blows either. He would give anything to have a chance at either of those options and there was no way in hell he was going to let Erin live with the pain and guilt he had been shackled to since they decided to pull the plug on his dad. Sucking up the nerve to tell Voight as much, the incessant dinging of his phone stopped him mid-breath. 

“Answer it or make it stop,” Voight demanded. Digging into his coat pocket, Jay grasped onto his phone and squinted at the name flashing across the screen, the number of text messages filtering in going up by the second. 

“It’s Burgess,” he announced before unlocking the screen to see what his friend had to say. Given the situation, he already had a pretty good guess. 

Get to Med ASAP! 

Erin’s boss just called her…Bunny showed up at the shelter and had to be rushed to the hospital she was in such a bad condition

We are on our way there now

You need to come! Erin is really going to need you

They don’t think Bunny is going to make it

It’s looking really bad

Text me when you get this. 

Hastily, Jay scrambled to shoot Kim a response. The hospital called Voight and we are on our way. Be there in like 5. How far out are you guys? Once he sent that off, another question came to mind and he wasted no time in reaching out to his friend for an answer. 

How’s Erin taking the news?

The response was immediate. 

Given the way E is driving, we won’t be too far behind you guys. Maybe 15 mins tops. 

And idk…she seemed a bit shaken when she got the call but she hasn’t said a word since we got in the car. 

Jay knew Erin well enough to know that her silence, especially in matters concerning her mother, was never a good thing. 

//

Rushing through the doors of Med, Jay scanned the area for a familiar face that would get him the information he and Voight needed the quickest. Eyes falling on his brother’s unmistakable red hair, he gestured for Voight to follow him before making a beeline towards Will. 

“Bunny, where is she? What’s going on?” he forcefully demanded once he was within an arm’s length distance of Will. He resisted the urge to spin his older brother around and tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for Will to finish signing whatever papers had captured his attention first. 

“Halstead!” Voight yelled from behind him in the same tone he typically reserved just for Jay when he was especially pissed at him. Apparently, Jay noted with a mental smirk as he watched Will’s back tighten up, he was not the only one susceptible to the harsh tone of voice. Papers now be damned, Will whirled around and motioned for the two to follow him. 

Down a hallway and down a flight of stairs, the sergeant and the detective followed the doctor at a brisk place. 

“Will,” Jay began once his brother started leading them down another hallway. “Cut the shit and tell us what is going on.” 

“We’re here,” Will announced somberly, coming to a stop in front of a room. Jay had to reach out and grasp onto the wall when he read the room’s description on the door. 

Morgue. 

No words were spoken amongst the three men, each of them taking their own time to come to terms with the condition Bunny was in. She was dead. Gone. Never coming back. 

Jay’s initial reaction was to suppose that a celebration was in order. Finally, Erin’s life was free of this horrible woman for good. But, the feelings that he had felt in the car while Voight uncharacteristically opened up about his past, about Bunny’s past, came back when he caught his boss slowly shuffle into the room where Bunny’s body laid. 

Bunny Fletcher may have turned out to be a horrible, horrible woman, but she was a woman who was going to be mourned. There was no celebration in that and Jay mentally chastised himself for thinking it in the first place. He definitely was not going to be on the extremely short list of mourners, but he was engaged to one, worked for the other, and was going to lawfully be related to the last. Unless they were respectful, his feelings on the passing of the wicked woman did not matter, not in the slightest. 

“She barely made it to the operating table,” Will mumbled beside him, his brown eyes also trained on the elder man slowly approaching the table Bunny’s corpse had been placed on. “Between all of the internal and external injuries she had and the amount of heroin in her system…there was nothing that could be done. Even if she did make it onto the operating table and the internal bleeding had been stopped, the drugs…there was just too much in her.” 

With the slightest of movements, Jay nodded his head once in understanding. “Watch him,” he instructed his brother. “Erin’s going to be here soon and I want to be there for her when she finds out.” That was the first and foremost reason for him leaving his boss under the watchful eye of Will. The second reason being that he did not want to have to see the deceased body any more than he was going to have to. His eyes had seen way too many dead bodies over the course of the past decade or so and one would think that, after so long, he’d become immune to the sight. Well, they’d be wrong if they did because he hadn’t. 

“I got him,” Will assured. “Go.” Jay didn’t need to be told twice and he took off in the direction that the three of them had just come from. 

It seemed like he entered the main waiting room for the ED a lifetime ago, but as he bounded down the hallway and caught sight of the sliding doors he and Voight had run through, it struck him that Erin’s whole life had been changed in the matter of mere minutes. Bunny was dead. Gone. Not coming back. No matter how many times he told himself that, each time seemed more unbelievable than the last. He may have only known the woman for four years, give or take, but it seemed impossible to imagine a life where he and Erin weren’t constantly looking out over their shoulders for her and the inevitable mess that tagged alongside her. 

Would Bunny’s death finally bring a peace to Erin that she hasn’t had access to since she was a little girl? Would Bunny’s death finally free Erin of the obligation to her that she swore she was rid of but Jay knew better than to believe her? Would Bunny’s death lift the extra weight on Erin’s shoulders that had been untouchable to everyone but her, forcing his girl to carry the full load by herself? 

There were so many questions and before Jay was even able to attempt to answer one, another quickly popped up and prevented him from doing so.

“Jay! Jay Halstead!” The sound of a familiar female’s voice forced Jay’s body to spin around and seek out its owner. His eyes frantically searched the area until they landed on yet another’s unmistakable red hair. “Jay, honey, come here!” Gail Corson shouted out, waving her arms excitedly as she did. 

His heart began pulsating in his chest when his eyes caught sight of Danny Corson standing to the side of his wife. ‘No, not Gail and Danny, dear God, please let them be okay,’ Jay fervently prayed as he made his way over to the couple who had become his own surrogate parents. They had to be okay, he reasoned. He saw them no more than a month ago for Ben’s birthday and they seemed as fine as parents could be on what should have been their only son’s twentieth birthday. 

More talkative than they ever really had been in the past, Gail and Danny spent the dinner actually eating the food he brought them and sharing some of their favorites memories about Ben while he was alive, Allie, and of course, himself: their self-proclaimed third child. They cried tears of joy when he told them about his engagement and celebrated the milestone by cracking open the oldest, most expensive bottle of whiskey Danny had been able to find in the home. Gail had been unable to hold back a remark about how she always thought Jay was going to be the man to get her daughter down the aisle and Jay said and did nothing more than laugh it off because she wouldn’t be the woman he knew if she didn’t make such a comment. 

“Gail, Danny, wha-what are you guys doing here?” Jay asked just before he was wrapped up into Gail’s arms and pulled tightly against her body. From the moment he had been introduced to her, that was the way she always greeted him and, during some of the worst times in his life, Gail’s hugs had made everything seem like they would be okay, even if they weren’t. 

Pulling away, Gail fussed over the worrying tone in his voice and demanded that he calm down. “We’re fine Jay, just visiting a friend of ours who just had a hip replacement.” 

“A friend of yours sweetheart, a friend of yours,” Danny corrected with an eye roll that Jay couldn’t help but chuckle at. In his opinion, no one had a better relationship than Gail and Danny. Through all of the hardships and pain that life put in their path, they got through it together with a love that never seemed to fade, as corny as that sounded. Yes, they fought and they struggled and they had their bad days, but in comparison to most couples he knew, they seemed like the strongest, most solid, and secure pairing around. Their whole relationship was filled with nothing but love, laughter, and happiness and as he grew from a young teen into a full-fledged adult, Jay found himself praying on more than one occasion that he would be so lucky to have a relationship like theirs. 

To date, it was one of his only prayers that had been answered. 

“Fine,” Gail dragged out in mock annoyance. “We are here visiting one of my friends.” Jay chuckled once more at the emphasis she put on ‘my.’ “But enough about that! Jay, why are you here? Are you okay?” He felt a rush of love as the elder woman began scouring his body for some sort of injury that would explain what he was doing at the hospital in the middle of the day. 

“I’m fine Gail, totally fine,” he assured her. “My uh, my fiancé’s mother was brought in and I’m just waiting for her to get here so she doesn’t have to deal with the uh, with the situation by herself.”

“Aw, that’s a shame. I hope she’s going to be okay,” Gail sympathized. “Will she be?” 

Feeling weird over the thought discussing Bunny’s death with someone before Erin found out, Jay simply gave a shrug and shook his head to silently say, ‘no, she was not going to be okay.’

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry!” Gail pulled Jay back in for another hug, clearly thinking that he must be in some sort of grieving state. The situation was just too complicated for him to bother correcting her assumptions. 

“What happened?” Danny questioned as Jay began to attempt maneuvering out from Gail’s embrace. 

“That’s what we’re going to try and figure out,” he answered before admitting that Bunny had been intentionally injured. However, he chose to leave out the fact that drugs were included and most likely considered to be the main cause of death despite all of the injuries that had been sustained. 

“Oh, your poor fiancé. Her name is Erin, right?” Gail barely waited ten seconds for Jay’s confirmation before launching into a barrage of pleas for him to bring her around for dinner sometime in the near future. “We’d really love to meet her Jay.” 

Nodding his head and promising that he’d arrange a time for them all to meet, Jay silently wondered how that would go over with Erin. Before he even started dating Allie, he considered Danny and Gail to be his second set of parents and now that they were the only adult figures really left in his life, those feelings had been greatly intensified. Had that been the only case, he knew that Erin would willingly agree to dinner any time, anywhere. Hell, she probably would have already met them by now. But, that wasn’t the only case because Gail and Danny were the parents of Allie, the only other girl he seriously dated and fell in love with. 

Erin never verbally confirmed his suspicions, but Jay knew that it bothered her a whole lot more than she’d ever care to admit that he was still friends with his high school sweetheart and so close to her family. There were many times Jay thought about asking her about her feelings, but always chickened out at the last minute and figured if there really was an issue, she’d let him know. 

The feel of a hand being pressed against the lower part of his back pulled Jay from his thoughts and he turned around to confirm that the hand’s owner was who he thought it was. 

“Hi, I’m Erin, it’s nice to meet you,” his fiancé said with a sweet smile as she held her hand out for Danny and Gail to shake. 

Jay was dumbfounded by how calm she looked and sounded. Based off of Kim’s texts, he expected her to arrive in some sort of state that was a mix between frazzled, concerned, and angry. But, here she was, making introductions and engaging in pleasant commentaries with the two people she had put off meeting throughout the all years he and her had known each other. Alarmed and immediately filled with his own feelings of concern, he shot a silent look down at Erin that questioned her composure and begged her to give him any kind of indication as to what she was truly feeling. 

//

Erin saw the look Jay was giving her but chose not to indulge him. Not while she was in such a public place and in mid-conversation with Gail and Danny Corson, two people who she knew meant the world to Jay. Of all of the days and moments to meet them, she was actually thrilled that it was right now. Talking to them, wanting desperately for them to see that she was worthy of Jay’s love, gave her the perfect opportunity to put whatever questionable feelings that she had about her mother’s situation aside and not think about them. 

From the moment she got the call from Mary, her head and heart felt like they had been caught up in a deadly tornado. Her mother was most likely going to die and there was nothing she’d be able to do about it. For once, Bunny had finally put herself in a situation that had been taken too far and no amount of deals, blackmailing, or bartering were going to be able to save her. Not this time, and the little voice in her head repeatedly reminded her the whole drive to the hospital that there most likely wasn’t going to be a next time. 

Stunned. That was the only feeling she could positively identify in herself after she hung up the phone and shakily told Kim that they needed to get to Med because that’s where her mother had been taken. The more she drove, the harder she pressed her foot on the gas pedal, that stunned feeling morphed into relief and by the time she haphazardly parked Kim’s car into the first spot she had been able to find, that feeling of relief burned bright in her. 

This was it. This had to be it. After today, she most likely would never have to be chained down by her mother and all of the problems she brought into both of their lives ever again. Of course, the intensity of her feelings finally made her understand the deep struggle Jay had endured over his father’s death. 

What kind of a monster felt relief that their mother was most likely going to die before the day was out? Maybe, she really was a horrible daughter after all… 

To save herself from these thoughts, she welcomed the distraction that talking to Gail and Danny brought. And, even has the red-haired woman pulled her into a motherly hug and offered up her sympathies for whatever was going on with Bunny, Erin found herself not wanting to part from them because once she did, she knew her mind was going to go right back to its self-deprecating state and berate her for being such a horrible daughter due to the many conflicting feelings she currently had. 

“If there is anything either of you two need at all, please, please don’t hesitate to reach out,” Gail offered in a warm tone that sparked tinges of envy in Erin. Jay was lucky to have a woman like this in his life, spoiled even. He got two moms while she barely had one. 

“We appreciate that Gail, thank you,” his voice boomed from behind her. 

“Yes, thank you,” she echoed, suddenly no longer wanting to engage in a conversation with these people any more. 

Oh how quickly her mind went from viewing them as a welcome distraction to a reminder of everything she never got to have. In her life, she had Camille, but even she had been ripped from Erin too soon. Katherine Halstead may have died, but at least Gail Corson was still around. And Bunny was no Katherine Halstead, Gail Corson, or Camille Voight. Bunny was purely Barbara Fletcher and if any of these women had to leave the earth before their time was up, it should have been her: the woman who spent all of her money on booze and pills instead of food and rent; the woman who Erin had to revive more times than she cared to even remember after many, long-lasting benders; the woman who attempted to raise her children in abusive homes and didn’t give a damn when they were taken from her; the woman who believed the world was out to get her and painted her in an unflattering way when in reality, she did that all by herself; the woman who only had a toxic love to give and brought about some of the darkest days Erin had ever experienced in her life. 

Oh God, how could she say this? How could she wish that about her own mother? Erin was beginning to feel her composure slip away and was so very thankful when Jay put an end to their conversation with the Corson’s and led her away before she had the chance to say anything else. 

“Erin,” he breathed out after he pulled her through a door that led to a an ascending and descending staircase. A daunting intuition had her knowing that, very shortly, he would be leading her downwards. 

“Jay, just tell me,” she mumbled, turning her back to him and pressing her hands against the wall, bracing herself for whatever news he had. To think that no more than three hours ago she had been paying for her dream wedding dress, the one article of clothing she never thought she’d ever get to wear. And now…now she was demanding for her fiancé to tell her if her mother was going to live or not. 

“Damnit Jay, tell me!” she yelled when he remained silent after her first plea. Bunny was either dead or alive and dying and all she wanted was for Jay to do her the courtesy of putting an end to her guessing. 

“Bunny uh, Bunny didn’t make it Erin.” The answer she had been expecting: she was dead, gone, never coming back. Dare she say, good riddance? 

No, even that felt too cruel. 

“How? Was there anything I…” She couldn’t bring herself to fully ask the question because that was the one question she did not want to know the answer to if the answer was anything other than ‘absolutely not!’ Whether she wanted to or not, she spent her whole life trying to save her mom, constantly putting Bunny above her own wellbeing and happiness. If she was to find out that, after everything, Bunny died because she wasn’t there to help her…Erin was quite positive that that would be the final straw to legitimately break her because that would mean all of her previous sacrifices had been wasted. 

“No, no!” Jay exclaimed, the tone of his voice giving away how horrified he was that she even implied such a question. “Will said that the drugs in her system were going to kill her no matter what. She injected too much and the beating she took was just the icing on the cake.”

She exhaled loudly, satisfied with the answer. Her arms dropped from the wall and she slowly turned her body around so she was once again facing Jay, the man who promised to always have her back no matter how messy and gruesome the situation got. 

Finding a sliver of courage in her, she softly whispered, “Is it bad that I feel so relieved?” She cringed at the way her words echoed throughout the empty staircase. 

“No, no, God Erin, no.” Jay moved forward, ready to embrace her and shield her from the world like he always tried to do when she was in a mood like this. She didn’t want that though, not right now. Holding her hand up, she silently asked him to stop and exhaled deeply when he complied.

“Jay, I…I need to see her. Take me to her, please?” She hoped her voice sounded stronger than it felt. Unable to stand seeing Jay’s beautiful eyes look down on her with such sadness, Erin tilted her head to the side and begged him once more to take her to see Bunny. 

“Uh, yeah, sure, uh, the morgue is just down these stairs,” Jay stumbled out, clearly taken back by her detached attitude. “Hank’s already down there…with her…” Erin took off, not caring that she didn’t get to hear the rest of what he had to say. 

Galloping down two stairs at a time, she figured it was probably a small miracle that she didn’t fall and injure herself. The sound of Jay’s boots stomping against the stairs reverberated around her and she only paused for a moment to hold the door open for him before sprinting down the hallway, eyes flashing across the signs on each door until they landed on the one she had been seeking out.

Morgue. 

The grey door was closed and there was no small window on it for her to peep through. With a shaking hand, she reached out to grasp the handle, only to pause from turning it the whole way. 

“Kim’s upstairs probably wondering where I am,” she mumbled, hoping that Jay would accept her unspoken request without putting up too much of a fight. 

“Erin, are you…are you sure?” His voice was filled with pain and her heart clenched at the sound of it. She knew that he was probably thinking she was shutting him out like she had done before, that this was her putting up all of the walls he so carefully took apart piece by piece. Her own voice failed her when she tried to explain to him this was not her shutting him out, that she just simply needed a minute to see for herself that what he told her was the truth and come to terms with that.

“Please Jay,” her voice trembled and she tightened her grip on the door’s handle to prevent her body from turning around and catapulting into his arms. 

“O-okay, I’ll uh, I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” She waited until she heard the entryway to the staircase slam shut before she completely turned the handle and opened the door her mother’s body lay behind. 

The first thing Erin saw was Hank’s body standing uncharacteristically rigid, blocking Bunny’s face from view. The second thing she took notice of was how straight and still her mother’s legs laid against the metal tabletop. 

“H-Hank?” she called out, cautiously taking a few steps closer to the body. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Will Halstead sitting off in the corner, silently observing the two of them.

“She’s dead Erin,” her father figure gruffly announced. She knew that Hank and her mother had a history of some sorts, and, while she didn’t know the extent of it, she could tell that he was experiencing some sort of grief of his own. Taking one final step closer, Erin slipped her hand inside Hank’s and forced herself to look down at Bunny. 

She was unrecognizable. Her eyes were swollen shut and her face was so bruised there was no way to see her mother’s usual pale complexion. Dried blood coated her forehead and right cheek and her top lip was split in two. Erin’s eyes wandered downwards until they landed on the multiple injection sights on her bruised arm; one spot was significantly fresher than the others. 

Shaking her head in disgust, Erin leaned into Hank and murmured, “Yeah…yeah she is.” 

Together, the father-daughter duo silently stood, each of them becoming lost in their memories of the woman who was no more.


	22. Chapter 22

“Chinese food sounds good for dinner, yeah?” Erin mused loudly, making sure that her request reached his ears, which were on the other side of the bathroom door. 

Biting back a frustrated sigh, Jay reached across the bed and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand he tossed it on in an effort to ignore the influx of text messages from Hailey, Kevin, and Adam about Bunny’s case. He just couldn’t deal with the technicalities of the situation right now, not when he was barely able to wrap his head around what happened in the first place and had Erin locked in the bathroom to worry about. Searching through his contacts for the number to their favorite Chinese takeout spot, he called out to her, “Want your usual?” 

“Yes,” she shouted over the sounds of a running faucet and shower vent. “Don’t forget to ask for extra sauce!”

Jay rolled his eyes at her insinuation that he would forget the most important part of the order. As the upper part of his arm automatically began to ache at the thought of the one time he did forget to put in her request, he pressed down on the restaurant’s number and let the incessant ringing calm down the frustration that was growing inside of him. 

It had been nearly three hours since he reluctantly left her with Voight and her mother’s corpse and joined an overly anxious Kim Burgess in the waiting room. After spending almost two hours down in the morgue, Erin had emerged and casually asked Kim if she wouldn’t mind dropping both she and himself off at their apartment. Her nonchalant exterior prompted Jay’s and Kim’s eyebrows to raise but the brunette officer agreed nonetheless. 

“What about Voight?” he had asked while Erin took a moment to put her black quilted coat on. “Did he already go home?”

“Hank is gonna stick around a little longer and take care of the paperwork and stuff,” Erin explained, her tone the same as it would have been if she was making small talk with someone over a cup of coffee. “We called Teddy and all three of us agreed to have Bunny cremated.”

That had been the only comment Erin made about her mother. To his and Kim’s disbelief, she chose to spend the drive back to the apartment filling Jay in on all of the details of the dress shopping experience that took place earlier. Completely perplexed, Jay painted a smile on his face and nodded along with what she was saying, choosing to believe that her blasé attitude was due to Kim being in their presence. It would be just like Erin to force herself to remain strong until it was just the two of them in the confines of their home. Initially, he thought his assumptions had been spot on when her response to the condolences Kim offered once they pulled up in front of their apartment building faltered.

“Y-yeah, t-t-thanks,” Erin had stuttered out, the smallest of cracks in her voice as her hand reached out and tightly latched onto his own. However, seconds later, her hand slipped out of his own and her façade had been restored. 

Her apparent indifference to Bunny’s death had not been diminished once they entered the apartment and, after a great internal struggle, Jay realized just how wrong he had been with his original hypothesis.

Erin had not been waiting to open up to just him and, judging by how quickly she excused herself to the bathroom and locked the door, she had no intention of doing so any time soon. Deciding that he would only incite her anger if he picked the lock, barged in on her shower, and demanded that she speak to him, Jay resigned to waiting on their bed and doing everything he could to not let his thoughts get the best of him.

His everything wasn’t enough.

The realization that he had been by Erin’s side through almost all of the major losses she unfortunately endured during her life was not lost on him: Jules, Nadia, Justin, Lexi, and Al. He’s seen her take on the burden of such an insurmountable pain so many times he knew that the fact that she was still able to get up each morning was only a small testimony to how strong she was. The experience of aiding her through her grief in the past taught him that she handled death differently, never grieving the same way twice. When Jules died, he remembered how stunned he had been when she looked to him for answers, for an explanation, as to how a woman she believed to be invincible succumbed to a single bullet. Back then, he thought himself lucky that for once, he had the answers she had been looking for and relished in the way she lapped them up. Jules’s death solidified their partnership—he’d say that until the day came where he no longer could. 

But then, Nadia died and everything he thought he knew about her and how she handled grief had to be tossed out the back door like an extremely foul smelling bag of trash. 

Nadia, like Jules, had been murdered. Except, unlike Jules, she had been murdered in the most brutal way possible. Jay recalled being sickened by the coroner’s report and having to come to terms with knowing that even some of the worst of the worst in Afghanistan suffered a more humane death than the girl he considered to be family. Each passing day since they found the young girl’s body on the beach, Jay had rehearsed and practiced possible answers to any of the questions he imagined she’d come to him with. Except, those questions never came; alcohol and pills became her chosen remedy to the immense heartbreak she had then suffered from. To this day, he had never quite felt a pain like the one he had when he found out she had seemingly traded in her life with the team—with him—for the life she initially fought so hard to escape from. Not even the pain he had felt barely a year ago when she left Chicago without a word could hold a candle to those three weeks. 

Fear governed his mind in the days following Justin’s demise, the memory of how she dealt with Nadia’s death still too fresh in his mind. Yet, his fear had been futile because her grief had once again taken a new shape: somber and secretive. She cried more times in the span of the five nights following Justin’s murder than she had in the then three years he’d known her. Not only mourning the loss of the boy who became more like a brother to her than the actual blood-related one she had, she also silently suffered through the uncertainties of what was going to happen to the man who became her father. Jay had meant it when he told her he felt handcuffed that day in the breakroom because that had been the first time she had ever completely shut him out. There were no hints, no subtle remarks, no exterior indications—absolutely nothing—as to what was going on behind the scenes and in her pretty head. He wasn’t stupid though, deducing a fairly accurate idea of what happened that night between Erin, Bingham, and Voight. All of the attempts he had made to tip her off on his success in piecing the events of that night together had been in vain; his efforts went unacknowledged and all he got from her were tears, tears, and more tears. He remembered wanting to be so angry with her. How could she shut him out when it was obvious she was in pain? He thought it had been bad when Nadia died, but when she finally did come back, she purposely made an effort to include him in her recovery process. The bare minimal may have been shared, but it had been enough for him at the time; it was a start to a long race he thought they’d crawl to the finish line to; not sprint back to go the first chance she got. 

Her decision to share an apartment with him prompted them to pass the starting line once more and he reasoned that his initial desire for anger wasn’t worth it, that, with time, they’d reach a better place than they had before. Lexi’s death procured unwelcomed evidence that proved this assumption was not thought in vain.

She desperately sought retribution for Lexi when the younger girl fell victim to arson. Yes, she had been sad when Al’s pride and joy passed, but he had watched her put her personal feelings aside as she overworked herself to find the man responsible. And when that man had been caught, Erin wiped her hands with the matter and that was that. Jay remembered diligently listening to every word spoke as she eulogized Lexi, immensely moved by the obvious love Erin had for the girl. Not once during the entire service did she cry but, that night, she made the effort to dig up some old scrapbook that contained three pages worth of photos of her and Lexi on the one joint family vacation the Voights and Olinskys embarked on out of a box that had been long buried under her bed. He’d barely heard a word about Lexi since she put the scrapbook back in its box and kicked it under the bed, but that did not phase him. That night, that book, and those photos were all he needed to believe that she was dedicated to making an effort to let him in and not leave him stranded in the dark, wandering around blindly until someone took pity on him and flipped on a solitaire light. 

Everything seemed to come to head with Al’s untimely death. Dark and light meshed together, as well as all of Erin’s previous grieving mechanisms. Turning to alcohol to drown out the pain, seeking out the answers no one alive seemed to know, sobbing uncontrollably, she did it all, both with and without him. If there was one thing that he had been thankful for those first few hours that followed his arrival in New York, it was that he did not have to witness her attempts to find solace in the crystal clear liquid that was anything but good for her. He welcomed the rest of it, welcomed what he believed to be the final stretch in the race they had started however many years before. Once her yelling, puking, and crying ceased, Erin finally opened herself up to him and together, for the first time since they met, they grieved together. That weekend was filled with a level of honesty so rare neither of them knew it was even a possibility to reach. Amidst all of their anguish and suffering, the trust they had for one another flourished and, in a poetic happenstance, the life they currently lived began to take form, rising up from the ashes Al’s death left behind. 

Al’s death was both the easiest and the hardest; everyway she grieved, he had seen before which made navigating her emotions while dealing his own grief possible. 

Judging the way she recycled her old grieving methods barely a few months prior, Jay figured that he was one hundred percent prepared to take on whatever state Bunny’s death was going to leave her in. With his arms ready to hold her, ears ready to listen, answers on his tongue, and a box of tissues readily available, Jay waited for her to come to him. He respected her decision to take a moment to herself, Bunny was her mother after all. If she wanted to clean herself up and relax for a bit under some scorching hot water, then so be it. He’d wait. 

And wait. And wait. And wait. 

Just for her to say that she wanted Chinese food for dinner. 

Hanging up the phone, Jay deliberated what his next move should be. Did he try and get Erin to let him in the bathroom? Did he continue waiting on the bed for her to come out and talk to him? Did he accept her decision to remain blissfully ignorant to her mother’s death? Did he pester her until she caved and told him what he wanted to hear? Did he pretend to act like everything was okay, even though it wasn’t, and just see where the rest of the night takes them? Did he tap into his military training and stealthily move all of their alcohol out of sight so when she does finally leave the bathroom, it won’t be the first thing she goes to grab? The questions just kept coming and he had no confidence in any of the feeble answers his brain managed to conjure up. 

All he did know was that he was thankful he could not stand Bunny because, as cruel and heartless as it sounded, her death meant nothing to him. He was glad that she was gone, glad that after this week max, Erin would never have to suffer at her hands again. 

“What time did they say they were coming? I’m starving,” Erin asked, her head popping out from behind the bathroom door. The rest of her body remained out of sight. 

Discreetly trying to search her face for any indications as to where her mental state was at, he let her know the time frame the restaurant worker had given him. “Uh, forty-five minutes to an hour. Hopefully sooner rather than later though, I’m starving too,” he hoped his light, conversational tone didn’t sound too forced and that his disappoint over finding no clues on her face wasn’t made known. Was it selfish of him to want her to give him all of the answers right now? Was it wrong of him to expect this to be identical to any or all of the deaths that plagued their past? He’d like to think no, but who was he to tell her when she was or wasn’t ready to open up about something? 

He liked to think that he knew better than anyone how long it took to open up about a painful reminder of the past and how hard it was to do so when the time was deemed right. 

‘But you always made the effort to do so with her,’ one of the many voices in his head said snidely. Bracing his hands on both sides of him and gripping the throw blanket he was sitting on, Jay forcefully pushed down the comment and chided himself for comparing her to him. They were not the same, their situations were not the same, and no good would come from him thinking of the past. But, it was hard to ignore his feelings and how this felt like another loop on a never-ending rollercoaster they had been riding for far too long. 

“You remembered to ask for extra sauce right?” The door cracked open just a bit further, giving him view of her bare shoulder that still had little droplets of water spattered across it. 

“Yes, I remembered to ask for the damn sauce.” There was no hiding the annoyance in his voice; she was acting as if he was some rookie who was incompetent enough to not even remember such a simple direction.

Erin quirked her eyebrow—not in the way that he liked—and asked, “You alright?” 

“Are you?” Jay snapped back, unable to stop himself. “Erin, your mom just died and all you’ve talked about since has been wedding dresses and fucking duck sauce!” It definitely wasn’t the best introduction to the conversation, but the floor was finally open and he just hoped that she chose to step onto it. 

“She was not my mother,” Erin growled before slamming the bathroom door shut. 

Rubbing his hands over his face, Jay let out a sigh and fell backwards onto the bed, his head just missing the many throw pillows Erin brought with her from New York. He shouldn’t have said that. Not only did he sound like an ass, but he blatantly ignored all he knew about her and her right to come to him when she was ready. 

“I’m sorry!” He shouted, hoping that she was at the very least listening to him. “I shouldn’t have said that and I’m sorry!” 

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have,” Erin remarked, her body a blur as she stormed out of the bathroom and once again slammed the door shut. She was moving so quickly that Jay barely had time to sit up and register that she was completely naked until she had already threw on a pair of baggy sweats and one of her own zip-up hoodies. “I’m fine and I don’t want to talk about it so just drop it.” There was no “please”, no hints of desperation, just an order verbalized in a stone cold tone. 

Not wanting to upset her any further—she was upset, though whether at him or the situation he couldn’t tell—he consented to her demand. 

“Hawks are on in a bit, want to watch the pregame or something before the food gets here?” He probably could have thought up of a better way to fill their time, but nothing was more him and Erin than watching a hockey game with boxes of takeout food around them. So what if they started their favorite date-night before puck drop and without the food?

Erin’s eyes locked onto his own and stared at him without blinking long enough for his insides to start squirming. This wasn’t right…this felt like they were in a fight but they weren’t, far from it in fact. Right? Or did his words anger her so much that she did want a fight? Or…and now he was grasping…or was this the initial formation of a new method of grieving? Was she going to get over Bunny’s death by picking stupid fights with him? 

‘If she is, you better not fall for the bait,’ Jay silently told himself while pushing himself closer to the edge of the bed and jerking his head in the direction of their living room.

“Well, I’m gonna go watch it,” he told her. “If you want to join me I’ll be out there.” 

‘Let her come to you...let her come to you…let her come to you…’ the voice that previously spoke reminded him as he got up and left their bedroom. 

Tempted to grab a beer before sitting down, Jay thought better of it and beelined straight for the couch. He had a sinking suspicion that tonight was going to be tough and if it was a fight Erin wanted, no way in hell was he going to fuel up on booze. Moments after dropping his body onto the couch and turning the TV on, he sensed another presence enter the room. 

“I think…I think watching the pregame or something before the food gets here sounds good,” Erin pointed out, her meek tone just loud enough to be heard over the group of sports analysts speaking on the TV. 

Softly smiling up at her, Jay moved his arm up to drape over the top of the couch and gestured for her to fill the spot next to him. Erin mirrored his smile as she pranced towards him and launched herself into the space, her body perfectly molding against his own. Jay welcomed the sensation of Erin’s head resting against his chest and brought his arm down to wrap around her and pulled her closer against him. 

“I can’t stand Pierre McGuire,” she grumbled after the bald-headed announcer went on a long, interrupted tangent about nothing relevant to the upcoming game. Chuckling, Jay offered up his own similar sentiments on the guy. “You know what we should do,” Erin immediately said once he finished, not pausing for him to answer. “We should go to a game together soon. It’s been so long since we’ve been.”

“I’ll give my guy a call,” he promised. 

“You have a guy for everything.” The familiar feeling of amusement that he always got when she made this observation came over him but it didn’t last as long as it usually did. 

“Not everything,” he mumbled, thinking about how he did not have a guy to help him figure out the girl beside him. He thought he’d be able to set aside his frustration at her shutting him out, but sitting here listening to her complain about a hockey announcer and asking him to get them Blackhawks tickets like it was an average, run-of-the-mill night was just not sitting right with him. 

He could see that Erin was prepared to ask him what he meant, clearly picking up on the hidden message behind his words, but the ringing of their home phone cut her off. 

“That’s probably our food,” he said, propelling himself off of the couch and away from her inquisitive eyes. “I’ll run downstairs and get it.” Grabbing his wallet off of the counter, Jay bolted from the apartment before he put himself in a position that would spark a fight between him and Erin. 

God, he hated this! He hated that he felt the need to walk around eggshells around her in their own home. She clearly wasn’t okay, there was no way she would be. So, why wasn’t she talking to him? Why wasn’t she opening up to him and divulging stories of her past like she usually did whenever her mother came around? 

Why was he so hell bent on getting answers out of her? 

Why, all of a sudden, did he feel the need to want to push her to give him answers? 

“This is so unlike you,” he whispered under his breath in the elevator. Never before had he choose to act on his desperation to get her talking. Sure, he was used to leaving her little hints that he was there for her when she was ready to talk, but he never purposely demanded that she speak to him. Not when Charlie showed up and started to make accusations about her, not when they found out her baby brother was involved with a child sex ring, not when her mom starting showing up out of the blue the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth times, not when anyone died, not when Bingham’s body went missing, hell, not even when she left him for eighty-seven days without a word. 

But, for some reason he was now and not knowing why bothered him just as much as Erin’s decision to not talk to him. 

Looking up and seeing that the elevator was still three floors away from delivering him to the ground floor of the apartment building, Jay turned towards the back of the lift and slammed his fists against the metal wall with a loud yell.

He may not be able to—or want to—take his frustrations out on Erin, but he damn well could take them out on this elevator. 

By the time the door opened with a ding, the palms of his hands were stinging fervently and his knuckles were colored in a nice, pinkish-red coating. 

“Jay Halstead?” The delivery guy sought confirmation when Jay got close enough to him. 

“Yeah, that’s me.” He cringed at how hoarse his voice sounded. He was arguably feeling much better after his little meltdown in the elevator, but it was obvious that his body was suffering the brunt of his actions. ‘Better your body than Erin,’ he thought as he handed the delivery guy a wad of cash and took the bag of food from him. 

Unreasonable. The word rang around in his head repeatedly once he stepped back into the elevator to go back up to the apartment. He was being unreasonable. No matter how many times he thought Erin should talk to him about Bunny’s death, it was not fair of him to expect her to do it so soon. Toying the line of fairness, Jay began to realize that, if anything, Erin’s silence was not due to her not wanting to talk to him; rather, it was due to her trying to come to terms with what happened. 

For two months now, the team exhausted all of their resources to find Bunny and had come up short. Repeatedly. The last time Erin saw her mother was that day the two of them saw her outside of the diner and she was screaming obscenities and delivering nonsensical claims. Then, the last concrete knowledge that she had been given about the woman was when he informed her of her confrontation with Voight that ended with her demanding thousands of dollars. To go from that to seeing Bunny’s dead body on a metal table was enough to make his head spin, let alone Erin’s. There were so many answers to be given and it took the entire length of the lift ride for him to determine that he didn’t even have the faintest idea to where those answers would come from.

All of the thoughts running around his head had him feeling so dizzy that he had to grasp onto the wall to get himself under control before reentering their apartment. 

“Get a damn grip of yourself,” He reprimanded under his breath while knocking on the door so Erin would know to let him in. 

The door flung open and Erin wasted no time grabbing the bag of food from his hands and rushing back into the apartment with it. 

Jay shut his eyes and let out a steadying, standing still in the doorway just long enough for Erin to call out to him, wondering why he was taking so long. Opening his eyes, Jay made his way towards the couch he previously left her on and accepted his order of beef and broccoli that she was holding out to him. 

“Want a beer?” Erin questioned. “I’m gonna grab one for myself.” He knew that he resolved to not drink earlier, but looking up from his food and seeing the look that yearned for normalcy on her face, Jay reasoned that no harm would be done if he just had one drink with her, especially since it took about five beers on an exceptionally bad night for him to begin feeling the effects of the alcohol. 

“I don’t think it’s allowed to watch a hockey game without a beer in your hand,” he answered with a knowing smirk. Those were the very same words she said to him the first time they ever got together outside of work at her place to watch their team skate to a playoff-clenching victory. 

The laugh that fell from her lips was genuine and he was pleased to see that the smile on her face was not forced. 

Dare he think that she was okay? That she wasn’t fazed by this at all? Had her last encounter with Bunny been enough to destroy any holdings still connecting her to the woman? 

“She’s not my mother,” Erin had told him not even an hour ago. What did that even mean? When had she reached that conclusion? A year ago, she was leaving him and everyone else behind to save Bunny from the Feds because she was her mother. And now, she was denying the woman the title? 

‘Well, it’s not like she deserves to have it in the first place,’ was Jay’s last thought when Erin returned with their beers in hand. 

//

Once the beer that was meant for Jay left her hand, Erin positioned herself on the floor and sorted through her order of egg rolls and low mein noodles. She faintly smiled to herself when she noticed the plethora of duck sauce packets sitting at the bottom of the bag; it was quickly wiped away at the memory of how relentless her requests for them had been. As if Jay would forget to include them in her order! And even if he had, reminding him only one time would have been enough. Jay was not the kind of guy to let her requests sit on the side of the road, waiting for him to pick them up at his leisure. He’d move a Goddamn mountain for her if he thought that was what she wanted and even if she lied and told him it wasn’t, he’d do it anyway because he could read her better than anyone else in the world. 

Which was why she had been so snippy with him. She was annoyed at how well he knew her, at how easily he could tell she was holding back. It wasn’t right and she knew she’d definitely have to do a lot of apologizing later for it, but after the day she had, she just needed more than a second to get her heart and mind on the same page. 

Bunny was dead. She spent two hours staring at the her lifeless body whilst listening to Hank share stories about Bunny that’d probably make the average person feel sorry for the deceased woman. Nothing he said made had changed her mind about the situation though—she had plenty stories of her own that would undoubtedly negate any sympathetic thoughts. 

All Erin had been able to think about since Jay confirmed that Bunny passed was all the times she had spent as a kid trying to resuscitate her mom after she overdosed on drugs. It was an act she had begun to learn at the age of five, perfected by the time she was nine, and had lost count of how many times she performed it by the time she was eleven. 

None of that mattered anymore. 

Bunny was dead. 

Gone.

Unable to be revived.

Staring down at Bunny’s bruised and battered body, Erin forced herself to come to terms with the memories she’d never be able to shake and not because they made her feel guilty for not being there this time to successfully complete the act one more time. No, they imprinted themselves on her mind once more to taunt the relief and lightheartedness she felt the moment Jay assured her that there was nothing she could have done if she had been there. 

Was this how she would have felt if she didn’t learn to perfect the art of saving Bunny from herself? Was this how she could have felt if she let herself be taken from her mom sooner, if she let go of the notion that Bunny was her mom and she needed to stick by and preserve her family, no matter how shitty it was?

If Bunny died earlier, when she was younger, could she have had a better childhood, a better upbringing? (She was unable to think of having a better life because the sparkling diamond that comfortably rested on her finger told her that her life was pretty damn good right now.)

Her heart felt good, her heart was not broken up over the death of her second to last biological family member. Her mind, well, her mind was a mess because alongside all of these questions, it kept telling her that this reaction was not normal, that there was something wrong with her for thinking such a way about her mother’s death. 

Except, as she told Jay, Bunny was not her mother, not really anyway. 

The woman didn’t even do the bare minimum to raise her—or Teddy for that matter—and most likely only kept Erin around in her life for her own personal gain. Without her, Bunny wouldn’t have lived this long. Without her, Bunny never would have gotten the fixes she desperately needed to make it through the morning, never mind the whole day. Without her, Bunny would have been locked away a long time ago by someone who would surely throw the key far, far away. She saved her mother and not once did she get anything in return. 

Not once did her mother genuinely mean it when she said that she loved her. Not once did Bunny make the effort to make sure the heat was paid for and the fridge was stocked. Not once did Bunny make the effort to stop her from selling her own body to older man for money they desperately or else they’d lose the house. Bunny did nothing, absolutely nothing, to ensure that she felt loved, safe, warm, and full of food growing up and it wasn’t until she met Camille Voight (and subsequently Meredith Olinsky) did she realize what a real mother was. 

Needless to say, if she were to go by the cliché, Bunny wasn’t even in the same state as the ballpark.

These thoughts, however, did very little to quell the harboring thoughts of disgust and guilt for thinking such a way about the woman who gave her life. 

Jay, she knew, could sense her turmoil because all of the looks he was giving her and the little comments he was making—along with the one blatantly obvious question he had asked—were not letting up. 

He was expecting her to open up to him, to talk about the day’s events. A part of her wanted to, more than anything did she want to tell him what she was feeling and listen to him reprimand her for even thinking like that in the first place. Jay hated Bunny and they both knew that he thought there was not a soon enough time for them to wash their hands of her for good. Which, if she was being truly honest with herself, was why she didn’t want to talk to him right now in the first place. 

She did not want to listen to his assessments of Bunny and have him tell her what a shitty person and horrific mother she had been. She knew all of that, she didn’t need him to remind her. And as much as she loved Jay and trusted him and respected his observations and judgments, she didn’t think he’d be able to hear what she had to say and not offer up his own personal thoughts on the matter. Maybe one day she’d be open to hearing what they were, but that day was not today and until she was sure that he’d just offer her his ears, shoulders, arms, and nothing more, her mouth was going to stay shut. 

This wasn’t like when Al died; they weren’t both grieving the loss of the same person. This wasn’t like when Lexi and Justin died; she wasn’t grieving the loss of her beloved, self-designated siblings. This wasn’t like when Nadia died; she wasn’t so torn up with grief and guilt she couldn’t see anything beyond the closest container of pills and the nearest bottle of vodka to wash them down with. And this sure as hell wasn’t like when Jules died; she was in no way shape or form questioning how this could have happened to Bunny. 

For the longest time, one of the only things Erin had been sure about in life was that Bunny would bring about her own demise. If she wanted to further explore that truth, Erin would admit that she spent almost twenty years thinking her demise would come at Bunny’s hands as well. 

Twirling a fork full of noodles around the barely eaten out of container, Erin let out faint sounding sigh and set her fork down. All of these thoughts and questions stole her appetite and replaced it with an incoming migraine. 

“Er?” Jay’s voice immediately called out from above her. His concern was palpable and snapped something inside of her that she didn’t even know was worn to begin with. 

Whirling around but remaining on her knees, Erin glared up at him. “What?” She snarled, all of a sudden consumed with the desire to yell at someone. Somewhere in the back of her mind was she acutely aware that he did nothing to deserve whatever horror her mouth was about to unleash on him

“Are you o—”

“Yes, I am okay! Stop asking me that! I am OKAY!” She exploded, gripping onto the couch and pulling herself up off of the floor so that she was now looking down at him. “If I wasn’t okay, I would tell you so just STOP ASKING!” 

Blinded by her sudden rage, Erin missed the affronted look that flashed across Jay’s face and was stunned when he sprang to his own feet and started to yell back at her. 

“No, I will not stop asking! Not when you are acting like this!” He shouted back. “You promised you’d talk to me! We promised to talk to each other! And now shit hits the fan again and you decide to shut me out again? That’s fucking bullshit Er and you know it!” 

“How am I shutting you out if I am fine! I told you I’m fine! There’s nothing else to say!” 

“Nothing else to say?” 

Erin was fueled by the fire now present in his eyes and malice in his voice; they egged her on. 

“Yes, nothing else to say! I’m sorry that I am not like you and can’t mourn the loss of a shitty parent. That I can’t see past years and years of neglect and abuse and feel sorry that a bad person who made my life a living hell lost their life. I don’t care that Bunny died! Not one fucking bit! I am fine Jay and just because you feel regret and guilt and pain over your dad dying doesn’t mean I feel, or have to feel, the same way about Bunny dying!” 

Bringing up his dad like that was a low blow and the second the words left her mouth she regretted them. Erin’s fury immediately dissipated. Flinging her hands up to her mouth, she let out a startled gasp and stumbled over a hastily put together apology. 

“J-Jay, I-I’m so sorry. Fuck, babe—”

“Don’t Er.” The crack in his voice was unmistakable. “Just fucking don’t.” He turned to walk away and his tense shoulders made Erin feel sick to her stomach. She could not believe that she just said that. How dare she think that was okay? That what happened between Jay and his father was material to be used in a stupid, preposterous fight that only started because her mind wasn’t able to think straight? Why the fuck did she always have to say the wrong thing at the wrong time? No, not the wrong thing…the worst thing? And why did she have to say it in the worst of ways?

Rooted in her place, mind whirring as it tried to catch up to what just happened, Erin felt her heart drop into her stomach when she saw Jay stomp down the hallway and put on his thickest coat and a pair of boots. 

Her feet (thankfully) had a mind of their own and instantly led her to where he was so that she’d catch him before he walked out the door. 

“I’m sorry,” she tried again, stretching her arm out and tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder. His body jerked backwards at the touch. 

Shaking his head, there was no love in his eyes when he told her that he was leaving. Only hurt.

“No! No, please Jay, please don’t leave, I’m sorry!” Fear and panic joined together for a single, onslaught attack. He couldn’t leave! Not now! “Jay, please don’t go, you promised! I’m sorry, I am so incredibly sorry!” Once again, why was she always the one apologizing? Why did she always have to be the one to fuck up? Hell, at this point, she really couldn’t blame him for wanting to leave. 

Tears built up in her eyes and she didn’t feel the need to hold them back. The second they started to rapidly fall, she swiped at them and begged Jay once more to not go. 

“Er, I need to,” Jay sighed. “I just, I need to clear my head. I’m only going for a walk around the block. I think we both need space to cool down before we say more shit we don’t mean.” 

“I…uh, okay. I really am sorry.” She’d never be able to iterate that enough, especially since she said those awful words sober. At least when she blamed him for Al’s death, she had been so drunk she didn’t even remember what she said. 

Looking up into Jay’s beautiful blue-green eyes and seeing that they were now flooded with so much pain and understanding, Erin held her breath and let him make the next move. Tentatively, he took a small step forward and gently cupped her cheek in his hand. She turned her head into it and savored the feeling of his calloused palm rubbing against her cheek. The simple touch had the ability to calm her and cease the attack that raged on inside of her. 

“I know you are,” he whispered. “I’ll, I’ll be back soon.” And with that, he swiftly turned around and escaped their apartment and her spiteful words. 

//

He was halfway to the elevator when he realized that he was being stupid and physically doing the one thing that he promised her he’d never do again. So what if she wanted to throw nasty comments at him? Her mother just died for God’s sake. This was just a sixth form of grief, that’s all her words, her anger, and her silence was. Hastily turning around, he sprinted back to his apartment, fished his keys out of his coat pocket, and fumbled around with them until he found the one that perfectly fit into the locked door in front of him. 

Pushing the door open, he bounded into the apartment and immediately noticed how eerily quiet it was.

“Er?” he called out. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled and I shouldn’t have left!” Each word was accompanied by a long stride further into the apartment until he reached the living room he’d just stormed out of. 

It was there that he found Erin sitting upright on the couch. Taking note of the muted TV, Jay felt his stomach tighten when he saw how rigid Erin’s body was positioned. 

“Erin, I’m really fucking sorry,” he croaked out as he cautiously made his way over to her. Crouching down on his knees, he placed his arms on either side of her, interlocking his fingers so that they rested gently against her backside. “It’s no excused but I was just overly—” 

“Did you know that I missed my first day of kindergarten?” The words she used to interrupt him sounded far too hollow for his liking. But, instead of calling her out on it since that was what started their fight to begin with, he followed along with what he knew was meant to be a rhetorical question. 

“I remember you mentioning it in passing before,” he answered, peering up into her beautiful hazel eyes and seeing that they were clogged with what were no doubt horrific memories of her past. 

She slowly nodded her head in recognition of when that passing moment was but did not elaborate any further on it. Sensing that she was still trying to get all of her thoughts together, Jay hesitantly began to rub what he hoped were soothing circles on her lower back with his thumbs. He tried to reign his relief when he felt her body begin to slowly melt in relaxation against his hands. Erin couldn’t be that mad at him if she wasn’t pulling away from the physical comfort he was attempting to provide. 

“The night before, I was so excited. Bunny scrounged up enough money to buy me a new outfit and this really cool purple backpack that I wanted. I remember waking up really early and after I got ready and, like, triple-checked by bag to make sure I had everything, I went to go wait for Bunny in the kitchen.” Her breath shuddered and Jay inched his body as close to her as the couch would allow. 

“Bunny was already in the kitchen, passed out on the floor with Annie’s mom trying to resuscitate her. When Pam noticed that I was there, she called me over and made me help her bring my mom into the bathroom and her and I spent the whole day in there with Bunny, first trying to get her to wake up and then to hold her hair back while she puked out whatever she’d taken the night before.” Erin looked down at him then and he sucked in a sharp breath when he saw that there were fresh tears in her eyes. 

“Ever since I found out she died, that day is all I have been able to think about. And…and damnit Jay, I can’t tell you how many times that I wished Pam didn’t see me, that I went to school and didn’t spend the day trying to bring my mom back to life. And, uh, it made me realize that I don’t care that Bunny’s dead because it’s something I had been wishing for since I was five years old,” Erin confessed, her voice cracking at the end. “You were right, I am not okay. B-but it’s not because of Bunny’s death, it’s because I can’t, I don’t, what kind of person am I to think that about someone?”

He didn’t know what to say. What could he say? What does one say to something like that? 

“You’re not a bad person Er,” he started, knowing that those words were true regardless of what she or anyone else said. “You are the best person I have known, do know, and will ever know. I…I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You save me, you save everyone around you, it’s who you are. You are the best fucking person alive and I love you.” 

“Stop Jay, stop! I’m not! I wished for my own mother’s death, I lost my shit on you just because you asked me if I was okay! I don’t care that Bunny’s dead! I feel relieved, I feel lighter and like I could be happier because of it! How sick and twisted is that?” Erin yelled before he had to the chance to say anything more. Her arms tightly gripped onto his shoulders and, before he knew what was happening, she shoved him backwards with a loud cry. He hissed in pain when his back collided with the corner of the coffee table, but said nothing of it. 

“You should just go Jay, go and find someone better, someone who comes from a normal family, someone with parents who love them and they love in return! Go find someone like Allie fucking Corson who can give you the family that I know you want Jay because I don’t think I am capable of giving that to you.” Jay didn’t care how broken she sounded, how upset she was getting, Erin’s words seriously pissed him off and he had no qualms about letting her know it. 

“No! I am not fucking going anywhere and I am sure as hell not going to go find someone like Allie just because you think feeling relief over Bunny’s death makes you a bad person,” he spat at her. “You want to know what my first thought was when Voight told me? I was ready to throw a fucking rager I was so thrilled. So, I guess that makes me a pretty awful person too. So cut the shit Er and get over yourself. It’s okay to feel this way, Bunny was awful, especially to you.” 

He could tell that his words stunned her speechless. Eyes widened as big as they could get, her mouth was literally gaped open like a fish’s was when it was out of water, out of its element. Erin was, for all intents and purposes, completely out of her element. It was only on the rarest of occasions that Jay fought back as hard as he was now and she never expected it when he did. 

“I asked you to marry me and you said yes so, unless you one thousand percent do not love me anymore, you are not going anywhere. You bought your wedding dress this morning Er, and I just know that you are going to be the most beautiful bride and the most amazing mother to however many kids we have because you know exactly what not to do. You are kind and compassionate and so full of love and I don’t want anyone else, I will never want anyone else, you hear me?” He reached out and cupped his hand under her chin and positioned her face so that her eyes were looking directly into his own. 

She nodded her head and gave him a close-lipped smile. “I’m sorry for what I said, for all of it. You didn’t deserve that.”

“You’re right, I didn’t.” There was no point in disagreeing with her words. What she had said about his dad was a low blow and completely uncalled for. “But, you weren’t wrong either. I felt, and still feel, a lot of guilt and regret when it comes to my dad and I tried to project that onto you and I am sorry.” 

“Why are we always apologizing to one another? Why can’t we just be normal and have rational conversations?” Erin implored almost desperately. 

Mustering up his signature grin, Jay cheekily answered, “Where would the fun in that be? Now, what do you say we take a break with this and watch the game? Unless you want to talk?” He knew there was the slimmest of slim chances that she would, but he figured he’d put the option out there regardless. 

“Watching the game with you sounds great.”


	23. Chapter 23

Erin rolled over and extended her arm outwards with the intent of latching onto Jay and pulling herself closer to him in an effort to seek out the extra warmth he’d be able to provide. It did not occur to her that she’d reach out and find a pillow occupying the space his body should have been in. Cracking her eyes open, immense dread washed over her when she saw that his side of the bed was, in fact, empty. Actually, it was more than empty; with the exception of her decorative throw pillows not being in their correct places, Jay’s side of the bed had already made. 

He was gone and judging by the cold state of the crisply tucked in sheets, he had been gone for a while. 

Hastily kicking the bundle of covers and blankets off of her, Erin launched herself out of the bed and rushed out of their bedroom calling out Jay’s name. Each shout was met with silence. 

Jay wouldn’t just leave, she knew that much. ‘Well,’ she thought to herself as she checked the doorway and saw that his worn, black boots, thick winter coat, hat, and gloves were missing. ‘He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.’

With her mind trying to figure out how Jay had been able to get up, make his side of the bed, dress and ready himself for work, and leave without her knowing, Erin stumbled her way into the kitchen, not prepared for the strong aroma of a freshly made batch of coffee. Eyes moving towards the pot, all feelings of worry seeped out of her when she saw that it was filled to the brim and looking like it was still relatively hot. 

If he had taken the time to make a batch of the one thing she needed to get through her each morning to get through her day, there was no way he could be that upset and disappointed with her…right?

Helping herself to a large mug filled with the black liquid, she welcomed the feeling of shame that accompanied each sip she took of the drink. Last night…last night had not been one of her finest moments. Completely sober and therefore unable to blame her attitude and atrocious comments on whatever substance she tried to drown her system in, Erin had hurt Jay possibly more than she ever had in the past. She yelled at him, she ignored him, and she swatted away every attempt he made to help make her feel better. It was in silence that they watched the Blackhawks skate to a solid 3-0 victory and it was in silence that she unlatched her body from his own the second the final buzzer went off and immediately showed herself to bed. 

Fear had kept her from talking to him after the game like she knew he wanted and fear had kept her from engaging in one of their late night “therapy” sessions that they always had when their lives seemed exceptionally trying. She had already said too many of the wrong words earlier that night and she had not been willing to risk saying any more. 

But she should have said more, should have made more of an effort. That was what they’d promised to do. 

If there was any doubt in her mind that Jay was put off by her actions, the way that he purposely arranged her trusty six pillows around her stilled form vanquished it. Back when they first agreed to live together, she had confessed to him that she had stashed away the pillows she normally slept with to make sure that he didn’t feel “walled off.” Barely a week had passed before she was putting them away again with the declaration that she much preferred the comfort of his body against her own than the six inanimate objects she had become used to. From then on, the pillows were only used in extreme circumstances: when one of them was sick, when one of them was injured, and when one of them was mad at the other. 

The walled off effect had definitely been achieved last night; she just didn’t know who felt it more. 

Shaking her head, she leaned against the counter and slowly sipped on the remainder of her drink, internally questioning whether or not it would be a good idea to give him a call or text him or just wait until he came home. 

‘Or,’ she silently suggested to herself as she glanced around their too quiet kitchen (and subsequently apartment). ‘You could just go see him at the District.’ 

‘No you can’t!’ A firm sounding voice in her head chimed back. ‘He’d probably be even more angry if you showed up there and tried to sort through your problems in the breakroom where everyone could look on and watch.’ 

Groaning because she knew her mind was right, Erin swallowed up the rest of her drink and padded her way back to the bedroom where her phone was still sitting on her night stand connected to its charger. Giving him a call and sending a text if he didn’t answer seemed to be her best option and she’d be damn if she let him go a whole day without hearing a word of contrite from her. 

Unlocking the device, she was surprised to see a buildup of unanswered calls and texts—mostly from Jay, but a decent portion from the rest of the team as well. 

Tapping on Jay’s name first because his messages were the most recent and he was the one she wanted to talk to the most. Having braced herself for the worst, she let out a large exhale when she read over the three messages he had sent her. 

Hey, sorry for leaving so early this morning…the team caught a pretty major lead in your mom’s case. 

I love you and will be home later. Don’t know how much I will be on my phone today, but if you want/need to talk just give me a call or shoot me a text. 

There’s a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen made just the way you like it. I hope it’s still warm by the time you wake up. 

Of course he hadn’t just left her; she should have known that it must have taken a pretty legit reason for him to leave without a word so early in the morning. Well, a reason that he deemed legit. Seeing that the team had a lead on her mother’s death stirred up mixed emotions inside of her.

Bunny may have been beaten, but Erin knew that it was the drugs she had taken that ultimately cost Bunny her life. No matter which way the story was told, Bunny’s decisions had led to her demise and that was an ending Erin could live with. And while she knew that a small part of her would most likely always wonder what the woman had gotten up to in those two months that no one had been able to track her down, Erin was more than okay if the case was tossed to the and never bothered with again. 

Because she didn’t want to know who beat Bunny, she didn’t want to know the details of the case. 

Her wishes, she knew, would be ignored if she voiced them because Hank was not the kind of man to let something like this go. His past with Bunny—the past he spent two hours finally going into detail about just yesterday—was too evolved for him to not care what happened. He was going to want justice and the team was going to be forced to bring it whether she voiced her approval or not. 

Was it heartless of her that she didn’t care to know? Most likely, especially since her reasons were solely based on the fact that she did not want any information floating around her head that might make her feel sorry for the woman who brought nothing but pain, sorrow, and misery to her own life. 

“There’s such a thing as being too empathic,” Jay had once told her. He reasoned that it was one of her best and worst traits because she hardly ever left anything for herself. He was right, of course, and she did not want the intricate details of Bunny’s life over the past two months to guilt her into feeling things she had no desire to feel. She just wanted to be done with the situation and leave it at that…especially since it was the knowledge that Bunny was having a hard time with her then boyfriend that prompted her to feel just sorry enough for the woman to agree to the deal the FBI had given her. 

That deal had ruined her life and she’d be lying if she said that she didn’t blame Bunny because a large part of her mind had come to equate that deal with the woman.

Not wanting to bother him too much if he was busy, Erin sent a few, quick texts in response.

Thanks for letting me know and thanks for the coffee…it was delicious and just what I needed this morning. 

Be safe, I love you, and will see you when you get home. 

She attached three red hearts to the text before pressing ‘send’ and moving her attention towards the rest of her unread messages, most of which had been sent the night before.  
Kim: Hey girl, I am so sorry about your mom. I know things were complicated between you and her, but I am always here for you if you want to talk. 

Kim: Also, sorry if this is insensitive, but I had a lot of fun dress shopping with you today! Thanks so much for picking me to be your maid of honor. 

Love you Kim…and not insensitive at all…I also had a great time, thanks for helping me find my dress, she texted back after ‘loving’ both of the messages her best friend had sent. 

Adam: Hey Linds, sorry about your mom…we’re going to find out who did this I swear. Love you!

Kevin: Stay strong girl, sending lots of love

Will: I know you got Jay and the Unit, but if you want someone else to talk to about anything, I’m just a phone call away. 

Once again ‘loving’ the three messages, Erin responded to both Adam, Kevin, and Will with some heart emojis before clicking onto the only text she had received at an unreasonable hour this morning. 

Annie: Omg is it true about Bunny? Is she really dead?

Yeah…she OD’d among other things. Don’t really know all of the details yet and don’t really care to.

Erin knew that, if anyone was to really be able to understand her feelings towards her mother, it would be Annie. Undoubtedly her oldest friend, Annie had witnessed all of Erin’s suffering that came from Bunny’s hand. She had been the one who snuck Erin food, who taught Erin how to cover up bruises and come up with perfectly believable excuses, and, before her own mom got arrested and thrown in jail, she had been the one who gave Erin a warm place to stay when Bunny had been too high and too in debt to keep the heat running in their own house. It was because of Annie that she survived on the streets as long as she did, there was no doubt in Erin’s mind about that. 

Wow. I am truly shocked. You must be relieved. 

Annie’s response was immediate and her speculation left a sour taste in Erin’s mouth. Yes, she was relieved…that was the problem. So far, she had been unable to fully reconcile her feelings on the situation and was torn up over those feelings of relief that she was experiencing. 

‘Maybe if you actually talked to Jay and let him help you, you wouldn’t be feeling this way,’ her mind smarmily chimed in. 

Rolling her eyes at herself, Erin texted back: Among other things…

I’m sure…

Are you planning on having a service of some kind for her? I bet a few people from the old neighborhood would want to go and pay their respects

Not sure. Teddy, Hank, and I were only able to decide on having her cremated. I could care less but if Teddy wants to have one then I guess I’ll set something up. So far he hasn’t said anything about it though. 

Actually, her little brother had barely said anything on the matter. When Erin and Hank made the decision to call him, he maybe spoke five syllables total: What, wow, huh, sure, and bye.

Erin knew that as complicated as her relationship was with Bunny, Teddy’s was way more complex. She had no idea what he must be feeling over the news, whether he’d be reeling or celebrating, and she wished that she had the confidence to pick up the phone and ask. But, things were different between the two—had been ever since she rescued him from New York—and she knew that Teddy would most likely not appreciate her trying to have a heart-to-heart with him over the phone. She knew that, if he did not reach out in the next few days, she’d most likely would have to book a trip to Louisville, Kentucky just to make sure he was alright but she hoped that it wouldn’t come to that, that their relationship was just strong enough for him to feel comfortable reaching out to her on his own. 

Oh…well, just let me know what you guys decide.

If you need help with anything, I got you. And if you need a distraction, I am more than happy to send Travis your way. Nothing like taking care of a teenager to get your mind off of things. 

Thanks Annie, I appreciate it. And you can send Travis over whenever, I miss my godson! 

Anytime girl

And lol he’s all yours if you want him

“Laughing” at the text, Erin tossed her phone back onto the nightstand and figured that it was time for her to get showered and dress—not that she had any plans though. She had the weekend off of work and, given the fact that Jay, Kim, Adam, and Kevin had not acknowledged her texts, she knew that they were probably too busy to even field a phone call from her, let alone a visit. Nevertheless, she heaved a sigh as she pushed herself up off of the bed and made her way into the bathroom so that she could get ready for whatever the day ahead might bring. 

Barely twenty minutes later, she was back sitting on the bed with her phone in hand dressed in a pair of black jeans and a thick, grey colored cable knit crewneck sweater softly mumbling to herself, “What to do? What to do?” 

No one had responded to her text messages (not that she expected them to) and she really did not feel like sitting in the house by herself all day. This, she decided was the one thing that she did not like about not being a cop anymore: the free time. 

She knew that she wouldn’t hate it if she had a companion with her to keep her company all day long, but given the fact that pretty much all of her friends were on the force and the ones who weren’t had full-time jobs, having company during her off-days was an extremely rare luxury. Running through a list of things that she could potentially do until Jay got home, she found herself struggling to even come up with something that seemed appealing. 

Thanksgiving was still two weeks away so she couldn’t go food shopping or Christmas shopping yet (she hated when people tried to rush through each designated holiday season) and she had no desire to go shopping for herself…she did just spend nearly two thousand dollars yesterday on a dress after all. Erin knew that if Hank was here, he’d suggest that she go speak to a therapist about her feelings—or lack of—about Bunny’s death but Erin was not in the mood to talk to someone else about them…not until she spoke to Jay first. Though, she supposed she should reach out to Dr. Charles and set up an appointment for some time in the near future.

True to his word, after his breakdown a week ago, Jay had found himself a therapist who specialized in PTSD, specifically how to control it. He had only been once so far, but was determined to go when he could, especially once he found out that she too would start going to therapy so he would not have to endure the experience alone. She knew that he knew just how much she hated going, which was why he had been so visibly thrilled when she told him she too would put in the effort to make sure that she was bringing her best self to their relationship.

“Fat load of shit that sentiment was,” she ridiculed herself, her mind automatically going back to how she acted the night before. 

Glancing around the room and seeing that there was nothing to clean, put away, or rearrange, Erin started to feel suffocated by the space and decided then and there that she needed to get out of the house as soon as she possibly could. 

She could not be here, alone and with her thoughts, for a second longer. 

Not even bothering to check the weather outside—the sunlight streaming in through the cracks in the blinds told her all she needed to know—Erin quickly bounded out of the room towards the doorway and wasted no time in bundling up in her warmest hat, coat, and gloves so that she’d be protected against the undoubtedly cold weather waiting for her outside. 

She didn’t care though; she’d rather the face biting cold alone outside than the thoughts in her head alone inside.

//

“Damnit!” Jay yelled, slamming his palms against his blue locker. It had been a crazy, very much eventful morning that had procured nothing but dead ends and more unanswered questions. And, had it been any other day, he’d normally be able to keep his cool and work each dead end the best he could, but today wasn’t any other day. It was the day after Bunny died and the day after he and Erin fought and barely made up. He may have gone to bed upset with her and her inability to open up to him even after he gave her a grace period that lasted an entire hockey game, but he woke up in complete understanding. He knew that she’d come to him when she was ready and he just had to respect that…he finally could accept that. He very much had been in the wrong last night and woke up rejuvenated and ready to apologize and work things out. But, of course he had to get called into work before she woke up and of course he had been unable to touch base with her since she responded to his texts barely thirty minutes after he sent them. 

That had been almost four hours ago and he hadn’t heard from her since. 

What he had heard was that the tests performed on Bunny’s body had revealed another man’s DNA under her finger nails—she had fought back it looked like—and the owner of that DNA was in their system and had a list of crimes that, when stacked up on top of each other, was probably taller than him. 

To think that, in death, Bunny actually did the right thing by leading them to such an awful criminal who had been wanted by the CPD for years.

Except, she didn’t really lead them to him because now, four supposed LKAs later, they had yet to find the guy she had been slumming it with for presumably the last two months. 

“It explains why she was so hard to find,” Voight mused on their way to the second location. “And why she was connected to that Englewood address.” So far, that had been the only explanation his boss had been able to provide and Jay was curious to know if he had any explanations to how Bunny wound up with Joseph O’Reilly in the first place.

Giving the repeated drug charges on O’Reilly’s file, Jay had pieced together some idea but drugs alone seemed too simple of an explanation. Bunny wouldn’t totally drop off of the face of the earth for drugs.

Shaking his head, Jay tried not to look too shocked when he noticed Hailey standing to the side of him. 

“What’s up? Did we get another lead?” He asked hurriedly, already preparing himself to be ready to roll out. 

With a sad smile, his partner shook her head and tentatively reached out to touch his forearm. “No,” she said. “I heard you uh…” She trailed off and gestured her head at the locker he just slammed his hand into. “And just wanted to come and check to see where your head is at.”

“My head is ready to catch this guy, that’s all you need to know,” he responded tersely, not liking the way Hailey was once again shaking her head. 

“I don’t think you are Jay, and I get it, this case is personal to you.” 

“You’re wrong Hailey, it’s not. Well, not really. I have no remorse over Bunny dying. I could give two shits honestly. I just want this over with once and for all.” His answer was extremely vague and he knew that maybe he should have elaborated just a bit more, but he also knew it would probably take two days’ time to explain his opinions on Bunny Fletcher to his partner.

“But she was your fiancé’s mom,” Hailey pushed. 

“Trust me, Erin doesn’t care that she’s dead either,” Jay scoffed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t even want the case solved.”

Hailey looked stunned by the news and Jay took that as his opportunity to pull away from her and head back up to the bullpen. 

“Jay, hey man, I think we found our in with O’Reilly!” Adam declared once he was situated at his desk. Looking up, he prompted his friend to continue talking. “So, turns out Antonio has an old CI who used to do dealings with this guy. Voight just left to go see if Tony still has any connections with the CI and then, pending what his answer is, we’ll go from there.” 

Hearing his buddy’s name being brought up made Jay feel uncomfortable; not only was it a reminder that Antonio wasn’t with them, but it subsequently brought up why he wasn’t with the team and making contact with his CI himself. 

“Great, hopefully this lead works out,” he responded, not knowing how many more failed leads he’d be able to take before he really lost his shit. 

“Yeah brother, me too,” Adam stated. “Say, how’s Linds doing? She okay?” 

Jay knew that he was just asking out of concern for his friend, for someone he truly considered to be his family, but Jay had no desire to answer Adam’s question because truthfully, he still didn’t know. Erin was such a mix of emotions last night and she had been asleep this morning so he had yet to get to the bottom of where her head was really at. He felt confident in guessing, but he wasn’t about to spread unconfirmed information about her to their friends. 

He understood that Erin was still processing the loss of Bunny, still processing how she really felt about it. And he knew that, so far, that processing of feelings led her to have some pretty unfavorable ones about herself. Which really fucking pissed him off because, even from the grave, Bunny was destroying whatever confidence Erin had built up about herself in the past year. She should not have to feel guilty over not being upset over Bunny’s death and she sure as hell should not feel that she was not worthy of him. 

God, when she suggested that he leave and find someone else last night…it had been a miracle that he didn’t completely lose his shit on her. How could she not understand, even when her mind was in a jumbled mess, that he loved her too damn much to even think of looking in another girl’s direction, let alone consider seeking out another to replace her? He hated, hated that Erin still harbored the insecurity that was the product of growing up with Bunny Fletcher as a mother. But what he hated more was that there seemed to be nothing he could do to rid her of those chains since he had yet to find the key to unlock them. 

However, something told him that that key was in sight and all they had to do was put Bunny and her final chapter behind them and they couldn’t do that until they found Joseph O’Reilly. They had to find Joseph O’Reilly.

“Jay?” Adam prodded, tossing a wadded up piece of paper in his direction. It hit him in the shoulder, promptly snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah? Oh uh, she’s hanging in there,” Jay settled on. It wasn’t necessarily the truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. Erin had her moments last night where she was fine, almost great even. But, then of course there were those brief moments where she simply lost it, indicating that she was not fine or almost great at all.

“Good, good,” Adam responded. “I wouldn’t expect less though, she’s a strong girl. Been through enough shit, that’s for sure.” 

Jay nodded, not really in the mood to continue the conversation. He just wanted to find this son of a bitch and go home to his fiancé and make sure that she really was as good as he was letting everyone believe she was. Luckily, Adam seemed to sense his reluctance to further along their talk and promptly swiveled around in his chair and struck up a conversation with Kevin about the hockey game last night. 

The very same game that he and Erin watched in almost complete silence.

He knew that he should have been appreciative that she even consented to curling up into his side and watching the game with him, but he was selfish and wished he got more from her than the occasional cheer or yell at a poor call made by the one of the referees. His selfishness and desire for more was the root of their problems last night and still, almost a full twenty-four hours later, he could not explain why he felt that she owed him anything, why he felt that he had the right to even think of pushing her to tell him what he wanted to know. 

It was easy for him to understand now why she had gotten so angry with him, something he thought he had been able to understand last night but really didn’t. Now though, now he understood her anger. He acted entitled and selfish and that was enough to piss off the average person, so of course it pissed off her. 

The bouquet of flowers he ordered for her on his way to the District this morning (another concoction of daisies) would hopefully be a perceived as a good opener to the apology he already planned to deliver when he got home. 

Furiously typing away on his computer, cross-checking every and any database he could get his hands on, Jay heaved a huge sigh of relief when Hank stomped up the stairs and announced to the team that they could go home for the night. 

“Dawson’s CI agreed to set up a meeting tomorrow afternoon with us,” the sergeant announced. “Hopefully that will get us somewhere. But until then, go home, get some rest, and come back tomorrow ready to take this bastard down.” 

No one needed to be told twice. Grabbing their coats, the whole unit rushed out of the bullpen before Voight changed his mind. Getting out before six was extremely rare and none of them wanted to chance it being a poorly executed joke. 

“Molly’s anyone?” Kim asked, visibly pleased when Adam and Kevin agreed before she was able to get out the second syllable of the name. 

“I could go for a beer,” Hailey chimed in. “Jay, you in?” 

Quickly shaking his head, dumbfounded by the fact that she would think he’d be down for a couple of drinks with the team while he had a fiancé whose mother just died waiting for him at home, Jay politely declined and hurried off in the direction of his car. He did not want to hear any of them try and talk him into changing his mind. 

After stopping quickly at the florist shop, Jay ignored all rules of the road and rushed home as fast as he could. He debated stopping for dinner, but reasoned that food would only serve as a distraction to the apology that needed to be said. 

The elevator walls mocked him as he rode the lift up to his and Erin’s floor, chiding him to lose control on them again. ‘No!’ He forcefully told himself. ‘You are not going to lose control again!’ 

There was no fumbling around with his keys tonight as he smoothly slid the right one into the lock and swiftly turned it without any complications. 

“Er!” He called out, kicking the door shut behind him. “I’m home!” Straining his ears, he could just barely hear Erin’s voice talking lowly to someone. Thinking that she must be on the phone, he kicked his boots off, neatly lined them up next to hers, and began to walk down the hall. He barely made it three steps in when a high-pitched yelp stopped him in his tracks. 

“Erin? Are you okay?” He called out, concern lacing each word. Quickening his pace, he bounded into the living room. The sight that met him was not one that he’d had been expecting, not at all. Shock and confusion washed over him like a tidal wave.

“Wh-what?” He stuttered as he slowly made his way to the small open area in between the coffee table and the wall with the TV mounted on it. He was vaguely aware that one of the Harry Potter movies was playing on the screen. “Erin?” The ability to form sentences seemed to have left him as he stared down at the scene on the floor. 

Erin was sitting with her legs crossed together, holding a small sized dog that looked like it was itching to break free from her arms. 

“Jay!” She greeted enthusiastically, a wide and bright smile graced her face. “This is Bella. Bella,” her voice turned high pitched and exerted sweetness. “This is Jay.” Erin then held out the squirming puppy towards him, the look in her eyes urging him to take the animal from her hands. 

More confused than ever, Jay set the unnoticed bouquet of flowers down on the table and positioned himself in the same way as her on the floor. The second the little ruby and white dog was handed off to him, it immediately relaxed and delivered a generous amount of kisses to each of his fingers. Cuddling Bella against his chest, Jay looked up at Erin, silently asking her every question he could think of that would best explain why he was all of a sudden in possession of a dog.

“I didn’t want to spend the day here by myself,” Erin began, her focus now splitting its time between the flowers he brought home to her and the dog she brought home for them. “So, I decided to go for a walk and I don’t really know how, but I stumbled across the animal shelter and, I don’t know, this sounds stupid but I like, felt compelled to go inside. That’s where I met this little cutie.” She stretched forward and lovingly rubbed Bella’s ears. “The workers said she had just been brought in the other day and that the only reason she was there was because the family that originally got her could no longer take care of her because their daughter was allergic or something. She’s nine months old and just about fully house trained.” 

Erin looked up at him then, eyes pleading with him to understand her rash decision. “She looked so alone and sad in her cage and, I don’t know, I thought it’d be great to have a dog to keep me company and occupied when I am not working. Plus, she’s supposed to be really good with kids so I called my boss and she said as long as she is well-behaved I can bring her to the shelter with me! Please don’t be mad. I know I should have asked you before I made such a big decision but…” She trailed off and tilted her gaze downwards at the dog again.

“She needed a home and I didn’t want to be alone.” Her murmured words knocked all of the opposition out of him. How could he even think of arguing back when the need for companionship guided her decision in the first place? Jay was well aware that Erin was experiencing somewhat of an adjustment period now that she was back in Chicago and working at a place that was not the 21st District, but he felt awful at the fact that he hadn’t really thought about what her days were like when she was off from work and left to spend the day by herself. 

“She’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, right?” he asked, playing with the little dog’s floppy ears. 

“Mm-hmm,” Erin said with a nod. “And, and the people at the shelter says that she doesn’t really bark and is pretty chill once she gets used to her surroundings and she’s great with other people.” Jay’s heart swelled at how hard she was trying to sell Bella to him. 

“Did you name her?” It was cruel to keep her guessing on what he was thinking, but Jay almost couldn’t help but build up the suspense. Seeing her act this way, full of love over something that hadn’t even been in her possession for more than a few hours at most, did something funny to his insides and unintentionally had him thinking about how amazing it would be to see her filled with just as much love, probably even more, when the thing he was holding was their own child. 

“She came with the name,” she informed him. “I was advised against changing it because she has already been trained to go by Bella.” As if on cue, the dog perked her head up from where it was resting in the crook of his elbow and turned it in Erin’s direction, displaying quite efficiently that she knew her name and she answered to it well. 

“Works for me, I was just curious.” The smile the broke out on her face was blinding. 

“You’re not mad?” The hope that accompanied the words was prominent.

“Do I wish that you talked to me before bringing her home? Absolutely.” Her smile shrunk by an inch. “But she’s here and I’ve always wanted a dog so nah, I’m not mad. Besides, how could I be when I don’t have to put in the effort to train her?” 

The laugh that erupted from Erin’s mouth sounded like music to his ears and caused Jay to momentarily forget what he had come home to do. There was so much happiness and love in this moment, he didn’t want to leave it. 

So, he sat in it for just a little while longer. 

“I see you went to town at the pet store,” he commented after observing the excessive amount of dog toys that were scattered around the floor. He chuckled at the sheepish look that crossed over Erin’s face. 

“Uh, yeah, well, I wanted her to be comfortable in her new home,” she justified. “I also got her a bunch of treats and loaded up on dog food.” 

“Damn dog is gonna live better than the both of us, aren’t you Bella?” Jay affectionately scratched at the dog’s ears, unable to stop himself from falling in love with her big, round eyes. Bella yipped in agreement and wriggled upwards to lick the underside of his chin, prompting Jay to let out a few laughs at the sensation.

“Ha, she probably will,” Erin agreed. “I also set up a crate for her to sleep in in our bedroom. They said that’s how she slept at her old home and what she would probably be the most comfortable with.” 

Jay merely nodded in acknowledgement, too busy making funny faces at the dog to verbally respond. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, relishing in the feel of having a third member added to their home. Jay could feel Erin’s eyes watching how he interacted with Bella and, when the dog decided that it wanted to be handed back to her, Jay’s eyes resumed watch. He was amused at how content Bella was to just be held and, even after he and Erin playfully goaded her into a game of fetch, she seemed to do so reluctantly at first. Bella warmed up to the game quick enough though and in no time, the living room was filled with Jay’s and Erin’s cries of laughter and Bella’s little yips.

A ringing cell phone interrupted the little family moment. 

“Oh!” Erin exclaimed, jumping up to her feet. “I forgot that I ordered us pizza for dinner!” 

“Us?” Jay questioned, even though he was unsurprised that she thought to order him food despite not knowing when, or if, he’d be home tonight. 

“Well yeah, I figured you’d be starving no matter what time you got in,” she admitted, shifting her weight from one leg to the other nervously, as if she did something wrong. “I got you your favorite from Bartoli’s.”

“A Chicago Classic?” He grinned, his stomach grumbling at the thought of the deep dish pizza that was most definitely minutes away from being placed in front of him. 

“Of course,” Erin assured, her tone gentle and filled with relief. Jay forced the smile to stay on his face at the subtle reminder they really needed to sit down and talk. ‘Over dinner,’ Jay vowed to himself while Erin announced she’d be back up in as quick as possible with their food. 

//

She knew what she was doing was wrong, but she just couldn’t help herself. The happy bubble that had formed around them while Jay acquainted himself with Bella was one that she didn’t want to leave just yet, no matter how superficial it was. So, if making pointless small talk about the weather, the afternoon she shared with Bella, and the game they watched together last night was what was needed so not to shatter their fragile enclosure, then that was what she was going to do. Eyes casted downwards on her own deep dish pizza, too afraid to look up and see the disappointment in Jay’s eyes over the fact that she was essentially ignoring him and all of the promises they made to each other, Erin brought up every little detailed, miscellaneous topic that she could. 

To his credit, Jay dutifully followed along with each of her cues and conversed back with her. He made sure that each of her comments was met with a response and that she maintained full control over the conversation, no matter how much he must have wanted to take the reins from her. 

When their dinner was completed, she announced that she was going to change out of her clothes and into something more comfortable. 

“Do you mind taking Bella out for a quick walk?” Her question was a pure product of her own, selfish motives. She wanted him out of their home so that she could take a few moments to herself and mentally prepare for the conversation that would no longer be able to be avoided once he came back. 

It was pathetic really, how much she was building up this one talk. Jay had literally seen her at her absolute worst: stumbling out of a bar at eight in the morning, completely cross faded, and reeking of sweat, booze, and cheap men’s cologne. He followed up that horror show with a viewing of her at rock bottom: mid-detox, too upset at the world and at herself, shaking hands feebly clutching the side of the toilet in the old bathroom she used to share with Justin while she expelled the final remainders of drugs and alcohol from her system. 

She still didn’t know what had transpired between him and Hank for the older man to agree to let Jay, who had barely recovered from what Keyes’s men did to him, enter his home, sit by her side, and hold back her hair for the remainder of the day. 

“Uh, yeah sure,” Jay agreed. Erin chanced a look up at him and saw his eyes weren’t on her, but the little dog she decided on a whim to take home. Bella’s tail was wagging excitedly, already trained to know what the word “walk” meant, and Erin’s nervousness broke for a brief moment as she watched Jay energetically get up from his seat and egg the dog on.

“You want to go for a walk girl?” He questioned excitedly, dropping onto his knees and rubbing both of her hears. “You want to go outside?” 

Bella, who still had yet to bark, gave an excited little yelp and began to jump up and down. Erin couldn’t help but let out a genuine laugh at the sight. 

Like she told Jay, it had been a pure coincidence that she came across the animal shelter. After walking around outside for about an hour, Erin’s feet brought her inside the building on their own accord, probably too cold to want to spend a second longer outside. Casually greeting the young worker at the front desk, Erin found herself asking if she’d be able to take a look around. That was all she had planned to do—look—but the second she stepped in front of Bella’s cage, which had been tucked all the way in the back, she knew there was no chance she’d be leaving the shelter alone.

Maybe it was the way that Bella looked so downtrodden, having clearly understood that she had been abandoned by the people she thought were her “forever family,” or maybe it was the way that Bella looked up at her, almost like she was begging Erin to gift her with the companionship she had gotten used to having for the past nine-ish months. Whatever it was, Erin knelt down against the cage and, with her fingers curving around the metal wires, for a brief moment she saw herself in the dog. 

She had been abandoned. She had spent so much of her life desperately seeking out someone who would love her unconditionally. 

No words were exchanged, no minutes spared to get to know the beautiful ruby and white colored puppy. Erin simply stood up, sought out the first worker she could find, and announced that she wanted to take Bella home today. 

“We’ll be back in a few,” Jay announced as he picked up the dog effortlessly and walked out of the kitchen. Erin was unable to contain the smile on her face when she saw the man she loved shift the dog who had so quickly stolen her heart in his arms so that she was comfortably snuggled against the soft material of his shirt. 

Leave it to Jay to so readily be able open his heart up to the little puppy he had no idea he’d be coming home to. 

Remaining seated at the kitchen table until she heard the definitive click of the front door shutting, Erin quickly threw away the now empty pizza boxes before rushing off in the direction of hers and Jay’s bedroom. Shedding her outfit of the day, she internally debated whether or not she should put in the effort to wear something sexy underneath the sweatpants and long-sleeve shirt she planned to wear to bed. Jay had never been one to care about what she wore and he told her more times than she was able to count that he thought she was beautiful as is and no amount of lace and frills was ever going to change. But, she also knew that, deep down, he did greatly appreciate it when she put in a little extra effort in her appearance for him, knowing that he was the only one she ever dared do that for on her own free will. 

Moments after Erin made the decision that, yes, she wanted to be prepared should the night take a turn in that direction, she heard the faint sounds of Jay’s keys jangling around as he let himself and Bella back into the apartment. With a clean pair of maroon lace panties and a bralette to match them on, she rushed to pull up her sweats and slip her sleep shirt over her head before leaping onto the bed. 

Phone in hand, she tried her best to look like she was occupied by whatever app her thumb decided to open for her so that when Jay inevitably found her, he wouldn’t be able to tell that her internal thoughts were beginning to slowly tear her down. 

Erin Lindsay was not the kind of woman to be scared of conflict, not the kind of woman who debated whether or not to let someone in. She either was or she wasn’t, did or didn’t, and, up until yesterday, that had been the kind of person she was. It was a hard truth that she knew everyone was aware of. 

So, why had she been so dodgy and elusive the past day around Jay? There was no doubt in her mind that she did want to talk to him, so why hadn’t she been able to? Yes, yesterday she had been scared and reluctant to hear what she had to say, but even then she should have known that this was Jay and regardless of the situation, he did always manage to say exactly what she needed to hear. And yes, she was nervous to face him after she royally fucked up on more than one account in the past twenty-four hours, but once again, this was Jay. He didn’t care—wouldn’t care—as long as she was ultimately alright and made some effort, no matter how big or small, to make up for it. 

‘Ugh,’ she couldn’t help but think to herself. ‘What a foolish mess you’ve managed to become Erin Lindsay.’ 

“Hey, she peed and pooped so, depending on how much more she eats or drinks for the night, I bet she’ll be good to go until tomorrow morning,” Jay informed her while striding into the room, their new four-legged pet trotting along happily behind him.

“That’s great,” she said, looking up from her phone. “I set up her bed next to our dresser by the window. Do you think that’s an okay spot? Or should we move it?” 

She watched his head swivel around in search of the little sleep area she’d arranged for Bella earlier that day. 

“Yeah, that should be fine,” Jay agreed with a noncommittal shrug. “What do you think Bells? Like your new bed?” 

Bella must have understood what he was asking of her because she bowled into the medium sized cage, circled around the bedding and blankets that covered every inch of the floor, then buried herself against the back right corner. Erin swore that, when Bella lifted her head, she was smiling. 

“I think she likes it,” Jay mused with a grin, clearly under the same impression that Erin was. 

Chuckling in agreement, no words were spoken as Jay stripped down to his boxers and searched around the bottom drawer of the dresser until he pulled out an old pair of grey sweats that were strictly reserved for sleeping only and a long sleeve shirt. 

“You’re in bed early,” he verbally observed, leaning backwards so that he was resting against the bureau. Arms crossed across his chest, Jay stared her down inquisitively while waiting for her answer. Erin shied away at the look, knowing that he was asking more out of concern for her than anything else because with it being barely eight o’clock, a normal night would consist of her lounging around in the living room for another two hours before she meandered her way into bed.

Halfheartedly motioning to the smaller TV that was set up across from the bed, she offered up wanting to watch a movie in bed as her excuse. 

“The TV isn’t even on,” Jay pointed out. 

“Maybe I was waiting for you?” Erin countered, patting the space next to her that was notably void of any additional pillows. 

Accepting her invitation, Jay joined her in their bed and, after a moment of hesitation, looped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her in so that she was pressed against the side of his body. Instinctively, her arms wrapped around his torso and bunched the material of his shirt up in his hands. 

Neither of them made any attempts to reach for the clicker that was resting on the night stand next to Jay’s side of the bed. 

Blanketed in silence, Erin reluctantly reasoned that now had to be the best time to get what she needed to say off of her chest. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her tone so faint she wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t hear what she said. Though, judging by the way his arms tightened around her body, she knew that he did. 

“No Er…” His voice sounded just as faint, if not more, than her own. “I’m the one who needs to apologize. I—”

“Jay stop, I-I need to say this,” she interrupted, knowing that if he continued any further, she’d never find the courage to proceed with what she had been rehearsing in her head all day. “I shouldn’t have lost my shit last night and I, I shouldn’t have iced you out like I did. I knew that I could come to you, I did, but I was…I don’t know, a part of me was scared to. I was scared to hear what you’d have to say and I was scared to face the fact that I am some heartless bitch who isn’t the least about concerned that her mother died.” 

“You’re not—” She unleashed her hold on his shirt and smothered his mouth with her hand. Right now was not the time for him to try and sooth her and justify her feelings. 

“Do you know what I kept thinking about yesterday? And today?” She waited until she felt his head turn side-to-side to continue. “I kept thinking about Gail Corson and how, you aren’t even her son yet I saw her show more motherly affection towards you in the ten minutes I spoke with her than Bunny has given me my entire life.” She removed her hand from his mouth, the position not at all comfortable for her, and gave him a look that was sure to tell him that he still did not have permission to talk. 

With a defeated yet determined sigh, she continued. “I meant what I told you last night. Bunny was not my mother, she wasn’t anybody’s mother. Gail Corson is a real mom, your mom was a real mom, Camille Voight was a real mom, Meredith Olinsky is a real mom. But Bunny, she wasn’t and, I don’t know, I think it took her dying for me to really realize that. Jay,” She looked up at him then and was nearly crushed by the look of unadulterated heartbreak and understanding on his face. As horrible as she was to him, he still put her wellbeing and emotions above everything else. “I gave up my whole life for this woman time and time and time again and she wasn’t even my mom. She was just some woman who selfishly decided to give birth to me.” 

“Don’t undermine your life Erin, don’t,” Jay snapped in a tone that was anything but harsh. “And you’re not some heartless bitch either. You love harder than anyone I have ever known.” 

She smiled sadly at his words. “Did you know I was so angry with you last night? Not because of anything you said or because you left but because of how lucky you are to have had two parents that were there and loved you. Yeah, I know things were tough with your dad, especially towards the end, but at least you know that, on some level, he cared about you and loved you and was proud of you. I don’t have any of that with my parents and, I don’t know, I struggled to come to terms with that and I am sorry I took it out on you. It wasn’t fair of me and I am sorry.” 

There, she said it. Well, most of it. She still had one more thing to add, but she wanted to give him the chance to mull of what she just dumped on him before she brought up anything else. 

For a while, he said nothing. Pressing his lips down on the crest of her head, he left them there as he began to trace circular shapes on her covered shoulder. The pressure his lips supplied and the soothing movements of his thumb was relaxing but not comforting. Right now, she didn’t want comfort; she craved to know what was going on in his mind that had him rendered him silent the second she returned his ability to speak. 

“We can’t keep doing this Er,” he finally said. “Every time shit hits the fan, we can’t keep up this cycle of keeping things in and waiting until one or both of us lose it before talking about it. If you’re mad at me, or upset with me, or feeling down about yourself, I want to know about it. I need to know about it. I need to know that you’re okay. And I know that makes me selfish, and I am so sorry for that, but I love you Er, I love you so damn much and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you weren’t okay and I didn’t do anything about it.” He maneuvered her body so that she was not fully on top of his lap. 

Tucking her head into the crook of his neck, she placed a feather like kiss just under the curve of his jaw. She felt him bristle under her at the contact and, on any other evening, she’d begin teasing him about just how well he reacted to her, but tonight wasn’t any given evening. 

“I mean it Erin, you’re not some heartless bitch. You’re my whole world and I know I have never been the most understanding when it comes to Bunny, but I think the fact that you have struggled to even come to terms with how you feel about her death is enough to prove my point that you love harder than the average human. Babe, it’s okay that you feel relief, it’s okay that her death doesn’t upset you. You were right last night, this situation is nothing like what happened with my dad—”

“—I shouldn’t have said that, God Jay, I am so sorry that I said that,” she forced herself to interrupt him. He had to know that if she could take back what she said about him and Pat last night she would in less than a heartbeat. 

“I know but ssshh, it’s my turn to talk now,” he reprimanded, placing his hand over her mouth just like she had with him. Erin smiled softly and pressed a light kiss against his palm. She didn’t know how he managed to do it, but no longer was her mind on Bunny, did her mind want to be on Bunny. She just wanted to love this man who was doing a damn good job at making her feel loved and better about the past twenty-four hours of her life. 

“However you want to feel is your business, but just know that all of your feelings are completely valid and I promise you that no one will think any less of you if you actually did throw a party to celebrate Bunny no longer being around to fuck up your life. You were right Er, she wasn’t your mom. She didn’t love you or treat you like a mother should and I am sorry if that is rude and uncalled for me to say, but it’s true. But babe, you did have a mom, you had Camille and you had Meredith and I know if you let her, Gail will smother you so much you’ll be wishing that you hadn’t met her.” He chuckled then and Erin just knew that he managed to lose himself in an old memory of the woman. “And if that’s not enough, then know that my mom would have absolutely loved you and be thrilled that you’re the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with.” 

Tears were building up in her eyes and Erin bashfully wiped them away. For as tough as she was, Jay Halstead had the uncanny ability to bring out her inner vulnerability. 

“I love you Er, and I am sorry for everything,” Jay finished, chastely kissing her forehead. “Now, if it’s alright with you, what do you say we put yesterday and today behind us and focus on our future with each other and Bella?” He finally removed his hand from her mouth and the second it was placed back around her waist, Erin launched herself upwards and smashed her lips against his own, kissing him with every bit of emotion that she could muster. 

“I am really sorry that I didn’t tell you about her,” Erin sheepishly said once she pulled away. “I definitely should have asked for your opinion before making such a big decision for us.”

Jay shrugged and looked over at the now sleeping puppy. “There are worse things you could have brought home.” 

“Like?” Erin asked, mirth seeping back into her voice. The heaviness of the evening appeared to be over and, like Jay suggested, she was ready to move on from it. Bunny was dead. Gone. Not coming back. There was no need to dwell on that any longer. 

“A cat,” he said with an exaggerated shudder that elicited a laugh right out of the depths of her stomach. “I fucking hate cats.” 

She hummed in agreement. Another silence fell over the two of them and, like with the last one, Erin grappled with knowing that now was the time to get everything she needed to say off of her chest. 

“Jay,” She spoke quietly. “How far along are you with Bunny’s case?” She felt him straighten up underneath her, put off by her question. 

“Uh, we are working on it,” he answered vaguely. “Why?”

“You said left this morning because you guys caught a lead and I was just wondering how that panned out.” She knew that Jay could see right through her response, that she had an ulterior motive to asking. 

“A man’s DNA was found under her fingernails. We spent the whole day looking for him, but he seems to have vanished in the wind. But, one of Antonio’s CIs might have some information so we are meeting with him tomorrow to see what he says,” Jay explained, his words spoken with extreme caution.

Against her better judgement, Erin’s interest was involuntarily peaked. “A man? Who?” 

Jay gave her a questioning look, clearly wondering why she’d be so interested in knowing, but answered her anyway. “DNA matched a guy named Joseph O’Reilly. He’s got a rap sheet taller than me but always gets off on these stupid technicalities.” 

The name turned Erin’s blood to ice and immediately vaporized her yet to be spoken request to drop the case. 

Joseph O’Reilly…that was a name she hadn’t heard in nearly two decades. 

What was he doing with Bunny? What was she stupid enough to be doing with him?

“She never learned,” Erin lowly groaned. “She never fucking learned from her mistakes.”

“What? Erin, do you know this guy?” Jay’s face was the living definition of confusion as he blindly reached for his phone behind him, ready to make the necessary call if her answer came out the way he thought it would. 

She made sure to not let his actions be wasted. 

“Yeah, I know him,” she confirmed, her voice sounding like it was coming from far away. “He’s Teddy’s dad.”


	24. Chapter 24

He’s Teddy’s dad. He’s Teddy’s dad. Joseph O’Reilly is the father of Erin’s little brother.

Still trying to wrap his head around this new piece of information, Jay slowly set his phone down beside him and peered down at the woman tucked into his side, seeking out whatever warmth and protection he’d be able to provide her. Her eyes were staring up at him, wide with fright, and her usual fair complexion was paler than usual. It only took him a fragment of a second to recognize the tell-tale signs on her face that, even though she was curled up against him, her mind was trapped in another time far, far away from the present. 

“Erin,” he called out softly, giving her shoulder a gentle nudge. “Babe, come back. You’re okay, you’re safe. I won’t let him hurt you.” She had yet to give him confirmation that O’Reilly was abusive in any way towards her, but if her facial expressions and body position were anything to go by, Jay felt confident that he already knew the answer. “Erin, I got you, you’re in our apartment, in Chicago, and you’re safe. Come back to me babe.” For a brief moment, Jay was relieved for his experiences dealing with PTSD; repeatedly reminding someone of where they were and that they were safe was one of the first methods that always helped him pull himself out of a flashback. 

He continued to call out her name, mindful of making sure that he slipped in little comments about who she was with, where she was, and that she was safe. “We’re in our bed Er, just you and me. Bella is still passed out on the floor. You should see her actually, she looks ridiculous. She’s on her back, legs bent up in the air. I saw once on a documentary that that particular position symbolizes that a dog feels safe. You’re safe Er, I got you.” This went on for what felt like ages, but in actuality the whole ordeal lasted three minutes tops. 

When she finally came to, she was visibly disoriented for a few seconds. “Jay, I uh, shit I’m sorry. I don’t know what just came over me,” she mumbled, ferociously rubbing at her eyes with tightly clenched fists. 

Despite the barrage of questions coming to mind, he willed them to stay at bay as he reached out and wrapped his hands around Erin’s wrists. Gently tugging her hands away from her face and trapping them within his own so that she could not bring any unintentional harm to her body, Jay forced himself to focus solely on his fiancé. Now was not the time for him to be Detective Jay Halstead—Erin didn’t need him—she needed Jay Halstead, her fiancé, her other half, the one person she trusted with her life. 

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” he assured her. Tentatively releasing his grip on her wrists, he folded his arms around her and pulled her onto his lap so that her back was resting against his chest and her head fit perfectly under his stubbled chin. “Talk to me Er, what’s going through your head?”

He expected her body to tense up at the question, knowing how much she hates it when he blatantly asks her to open up to him, and was more than pleasantly surprised when instead she completely relaxed her muscles and allowed her body to melt onto his own. For a split second, Jay wasn’t sure if this was a sign of her complete trust in him or the physical proof that the fight had been ripped out of her body. Only feeling slightly naïve for doing so, he chose to believe in the first possibility, bolstering his decision with thoughts of how much his girl had gone through and survived. 

‘But, how many lives could she possibly have left?’ 

The question repeated in his head like stuck record player. It was a question he was tired of being reminded of, tired of hearing, yet could not be shut off. 

Erin Lindsay was as tough as they came, but even she had to have a breaking point of no return. 

“Teddy doesn’t know,” Erin delayed. “He doesn’t know that Joe is his dad.” Jay felt his eyebrows scrunch together as his mind tried to figure out how Erin would know this tidbit of information but Teddy didn’t. Wouldn’t Bunny think to tell the both of them? Or why didn’t Erin tell her brother? Why would Erin know who her brother’s real father was, but not her own? He impulsively tightened his hold on Erin at that last thought; their first real fight was still a sore subject for him. 

“I was almost seven when Bunny met Joe,” Erin continued, her arms gripping around his own as she spoke. Jay was too focused on her words to pay attention to how sharply her nails were digging through the fabric of his shirt and into his arm. “One day, he was just there and Bunny…God Jay, she really fucking loved him. She’d do anything to make him happy, to make sure he’d stick around, including turning a blind eye when…” She shook her head and decided he was smart enough to figure out what she veered away from saying. Feeling her head turn in an attempt to make eye contact with him, Jay connected his eyes with her own and, masking all traces of revulsion, gave a subtle nod. He knew how that sentence ended…she had told him that story after the case they worked on all those years ago with the young boy who had been sexually abused by his swim coach. He felt he related to the boy a little too much and Erin decided to confide in him late in the night that, on some level, she was able to relate to him too. 

“Well, anyway, after a year of them dating, Bunny got pregnant. It was a total mistake but I remember her being so happy about it. I remember because, even at eight years old, I wondered if she was that happy when she found out she was going to have me. But, as happy as she was, she didn’t tell Joe right away. I think, I think she just knew that when he did find out, he was going to up and leave her like everyone el-else.” Erin stuttered to a stop. Jay knew by the way she clicked her tongue that she was seriously debating what to say next. 

“Tell me Er,” he whispered as gently as he could. Whenever she clicked her tongue, it meant that she was holding back something she’d never shared with him—and presumably anyone else—before. 

“Joe’s the reason why I used to never want kids, why I…why I sometimes still have to remind myself that having them is a good idea. Bunny was so excitedand happyto be pregnant with Teddy. When she finally told Joe about the pregnancy, he damn near beat her to death after she refused to get an abortion. And then, he left. Just like that. I hadn’t seen or heard anything about him until now,” Erin concluded. 

“What does Teddy think happened to his dad?” he croaked out, desperate to give his mind a few more seconds to wrap its head around the story he had just been told. 

Not too long ago, he thought he had Erin Lindsay figured out. Against her better wishes, he spent time putting in the effort to psychoanalyze her and came to the conclusion that she did have trust and abandonment issues as a result of growing up with Bunny as her mother. He determined that she put on extra armor when new people were introduced into her life as a way of making it damn near impossible for them to get too close to her and vice versa because of how many worthless guys had taken everything—all of her love and trust and friendship—she so generously offered up and had given nothing in return. And he knew that the unstable life she grew up in for the first sixteen years of her life deterred her from believing that she could do better, could give her own kids better. 

To hear that there was a legitimate reason that both invalidated and affirmed one of his exhaustive late-night musings was shocking but not surprising. How many times had he seen young mothers who had it rough growing up refuse to put their baby up for adoption because they wanted to be the ones to break the cycle they had been born into? Better yet, how many times had Erin proven to him and everyone around her that she was not going to be a byproduct of her past, that she was ready to all but give her life so that she would not end up like Bunny?

Having a baby, becoming a loving and devoting mother, should have been the ultimate conclusion to that quest. He should have known that there was more to the story by how much she guffawed and ridiculed him for making little comments about what she’d be like as a mom back when they gave living together a go for the first time. Of course something must have happened for her to so adamantly refuse to have children back then and of course it was something so predictable and cliché as her being a young girl and witnessing a man act heinously at a pregnancy announcement and then leaving her mother to suffer through the experience on her own. He felt like an idiot for not thinking back then that this was most likely the case and the only thing that was preventing him from excusing himself to another room so that he could angrily berate himself for thinking he knew it all was knowing that, in the end, she chose to look past all of the reasons regardless of what they were. 

She chose to want to have a family with him. She chose to completely end the cycle, to rid herself of the final few shackles tying her down to her past. “I want three kids,” was what she chose to tell him that amazing day in Wisconsin. And even before that, she boldly confessed to him at the lowest point of her final undercover operation that she saw herself with him and a dog and a kid. “I want a life with you Jay Halstead, so badly. I didn’t think I did, even when we were together, I always thought that something would get in the way of our future together. But the one thing that has kept me sane in this mess that I am in is this image of me and you with a dog and…and a kid. Being thrust into a life with girls who have absolutely nothing, well, it’s making me realize that I have an out none of them have access to. I have a chance at the life I hear these girls lament over and I realize that I want it so badly and I want it with you,”were her exact words. He’d never forget those words; to this day, her proclamation was the best thing she had ever said to him. 

“Shortly before Teddy was born,” Erin’s voice stirred him from his thoughts. “Bunny met ‘mister’ Gary and he was there at the hospital and for the first year and a half of Teddy’s life. The one or two surviving photos Bunny had of Teddy as a baby were of him and Gary so she just always said that Gary was Teddy’s dad. She threatened to cut my tongue out if I told the truth.” Erin said it with a hollow laugh.

“Gary was the guy your mom left and went to the shelter to hide from right?” 

Was fate displaying her sick and twisted sense of humor by making the shelter Bunny ran to for safety all those years ago the same one that Erin now worked at and Bunny basically died at? Without a doubt in his mind, Jay knew that the answer to that speculation was yes. 

“Yeah, he got a little too loaded one night and Bunny had enough of her wits about her to take Teddy and me and run,” Erin confirmed. “He’s another guy I have no clue what happened to. I don’t want to know either. I don’t care.” The slight hesitation in her voice and the way her fingers began to idly play with a loose thread on the cuff of his sleeve refrained him from saying anything in response. Erin still had more to say and if he interrupted her now, she may never find it in her to say it at a later date. 

“Teddy can’t know about any of this,” Erin said sternly. “He cannot know that it was his biological father that basically killed our mother. I don’t care what needs to be done, what Hank will have to do, but I want this whole mess to just go away. I don’t want there to be a trial or paperwork or anything that would possibly require all of this to come to light.” 

“Babe come on, you know it doesn’t work like that,” he reminded her with a low sigh. “The ball is already in motion. Bunny’s death is an active investigation.” 

“Drop it, bury it, do whatever you have to do, just get rid of it.” She yanked herself out of his arms and inched away from him until she was able to sit up on her knees across from him. “I told you before Jay, I don’t really care to know what happens. In fact, knowing that Joe is involved, I can probably fill in just enough blanks to keep everyone satisfied. Can’t you guys just rule Bunny’s death an accidental overdose and leave it at that?”

He wanted nothing more than to say yes, to give her what she clearly so desperately wanted. He too wished that this mess with Bunny could be put so far behind them it’d be impossible to cross paths, but the system just didn’t work like that. He didn’t work like that. He couldn’t in good conscience let this Joseph O’Reilly guy roam free when he knew that the man had a role in Bunny’s death and abused Erin when she was a defenseless little girl. Maybe that last part was enough give him the mindset needed to hand O’Reilly over to Voight and turn a blind eye to whatever painful form of justice Voight brought down on the man, but it was not enough for him to completely drop the case. If anything, it made him want to catch the guy even more. Never mind Bunny, O’Reilly had to pay for what he did to Erin.

“I’m sorry Er, there’s just no way I can’t do that,” Jay asserted. “But you have my word that I will make sure no details get leaked and that a trial doesn’t happen. Teddy doesn’t have to know, the unit doesn’t even have to know that you know O’Reilly if you don’t want them to.”

“No, no they should know. I actually might know a few places he could be hiding.” He stared at her incredulously. Didn’t she just say that she hadn’t heard about the guy since he walked out on her and Bunny?

“I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before when we were looking for her,” Erin continued. “But I never made the connection until now. You know how I said Bunny loved Joe more than anything?” He nodded his head and implored her silently to continue. So many things were coming together at once for him and he wanted to soak up every bit of information he could get. “Well, I don’t think she ever stopped and given how unrelenting she was about wedging her way into my life in the end…” she trailed off and Jay noticed that her eyes were shut and her fingers were rubbing her temples in slow, circular motions. “In between her boyfriends and husbands, Bunny would always disappear for a little bit. She used to always make passing comments about going to visit a friend and then not come home for a few days. Once, when I was fourteen, she was gone for a whole month and during that time, no one was ever able to track her down.” 

“You think she ran with O’Reilly?” Jay questioned having quickly made connections to the similarities between what she was saying and what he experienced the past two months. 

“Maybe,” Erin said in a tone that refuted her uncertain phrasing. She definitely thought that her mother was with O’Reilly. “All I know is that she’d always become weirdly happy before she left and come back pissed off and occasionally bruised.” She opened her eyes and gave him a defeated shrug. “That was his M.O. Being great until his mean streak got the best of him. And Bunny being Bunny probably didn’t help whatever situations they probably got into.” 

Jay could see it all in his head: Bunny exhibiting a child-like joy over the prospect of sneaking off to partake in some volatile affair; spending a few days high on a love that only existed on a surface level and whatever other substances she managed to get her hands on; crashing to the ground harder than anticipated; verbalizing the pain that took hold of her, which then in turn invited a whole new kind of pain to join in on the fun; and then, because by that point it had all become too much for her to handle, rushing home feeling as battered as she probably looked. 

“Given what we know about Bunny, the scenario definitely works,” he stated. “But I don’t get what this has to do with you knowing where O’Reilly could potentially be hiding out?”

Erin swiped her tongue across her lips before sinking her teeth into the bottom one. She was beginning to clam up and Jay had to silently remind himself that she couldn’t be pushed and the words wouldn’t be able to be forced out of her. Delving into the intricate details of Erin’s past was an experience he seldom participated in and on the rare occasion he was invited to such an event, completely surrendering himself up to Erin was his ticket in. He got what she was willing to give and that was that. Nothing more, nothing less. 

“She was still going off to wherever she went when I started seeing Charlie.” Jay felt his body visibly tense at the name. Not even taking Erin’s past involvement into consideration, he had enough interactions with Charlie Pugliese to fucking hate the guy. Erin continued on as if the one name didn’t already have his blood pumping anger to every possible crevice of his body. “He…I…we were curious to where she’d go. S-so we started to follow her every time she took off. We never saw who she went to meet, which is why I never would have thought of Joe before this, but she always went to one of the same three houses.”

Erin’s recollection was interrupted by a yawn that promptly shut her down for good. 

Crawling back towards him, she pulled the covers down just far enough for her to slip underneath. Mind buzzing with information, Jay remained as he was—there was no way he’d be able to even think of going to sleep any time soon. He felt her side of the bed dip as she rolled onto her side so that her back was towards him; the action was not one of ill-intent, he knew that was just how she slept. With his own back still upright against the bed’s headboard, Jay propped his hand on her shoulder that was sticking up and gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“I want to bring Bella when we go to the district tomorrow,” Erin commented, her voice muffled by the pillow she was all but lying face down into. “I think it’d make Platt’s day.” 

“Platt?” Jay sputtered, befuddled over how quickly Erin was seemingly able to press a button and forget all about what had just transpired. 

“Yeah,” Erin breathed out. “She loves dogs.” Oddly enough, Platt being one of those crazy dog lovers was an image his mind had effortlessly conjured up. 

“O-Okay,” Jay agreed. “We’ll bring Bella to the district. I’m sure the unit will be thrilled to meet her too.” Speaking of the puppy, he quickly casted his eyes over to where Bella’s cage was set up to make sure that she was still there and doing okay. Smiling at the ridiculous sleeping position the dog was still in, Jay reached for his phone and drafted up a text message to send to Voight.

Erin knows O’Reilly and thinks she might know where he is hiding out. She is going to come in with me tomorrow to fill the team in, he quickly typed before hovering his thumbs over the keyboard while thinking about if he should add more of the details Erin had given. Info needs to stay in house. She doesn’t want this case going anywhere and would much prefer that we bury it.

Jay warily sent the message and then sent up a silent prayer that his boss would not act in haste and come to their apartment to get the information from Erin himself, unit be damned. The phone began vibrating with an incoming call mere seconds later. 

“How does she know him?” Voight’s gravelly voice demanded. Casting his eyes down at Erin and he saw that she was still wide awake, staring out the window and watching the sprinkling of snowflakes that had begun to fall. If he didn’t have Voight growling in his ear, Jay would have taken the time to appreciate how mesmerized Erin over the snow. 

“Halstead, answer me!” 

“He’s Teddy’s dad,” Jay recited the same answer Erin gave him. “And even though they didn’t work out, Erin thinks Bunny and him stayed in touch over the years.” He felt his fiancé tense up underneath his hand at the realization of who he was talking to and what he was talking about. “I don’t have too many more details than that, but we will get to the bottom of this in the morning.” It was a partial lie that he hoped would keep the older man at bay; Jay wasn’t sure what Erin would do if Voight went off the rails on his own tonight and performed a deed that may very well land him back in jail. 

If they are to do what Erin wants them to do, they needed to be cool and calculated about it. They did not need to slip into the same circumstances that led to Al’s murder.

“Harrumph,” Voight grumbled, clearly not happy that Jay wasn’t given him anything more. “Be there first thing. I’ll let the team know.” And then, as quickly as he called, Hank Voight hung up.

“Did you know Hank loved my mom once?” Erin meekly asked as he put his phone back on the nightstand. 

“Uh, yeah, he mentioned it when we were on our way to Med yesterday.” That conversation seemed like a lifetime ago. 

Erin rolled over so that she remained on her side, but was now facing him. “He told me their whole story in the, in the morgue. But, as hard as I try, I just can’t picture Bunny being anything other than the woman I knew.” 

“You don’t have to reconcile the two images of her Er,” he assured her. “I don’t think that’s why he told you.”

She looked up at him, her hazel eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I know it’s not,” she whispered fervently. “He told me because he wanted me to know that there was a reason he was going to avenge her death. Jay, Hank’s not going to rest until O’Reilly is at the bottom of the river and I…I need you to let him do that. Please, just let him do this without putting up a fight.” 

He stared down at her hardly. She was asking so, so much of him. She wanted him to set aside his convictions and ignore all of his morals. It was a big ask; he knew it and she knew it. But, he also knew that she wouldn’t even think of asking him to do such a thing if it weren’t important to her. Erin could say that Bunny was not her mother and that she did not care that Bunny died until she was blue in the face but Jay knew that, on some level, Erin did care and Erin wanted to see O’Reilly suffer for what he did to her mother and to her. 

The memory of Erin telling him what O’Reilly did to her as a little girl was the puppeteer and his head was its puppet; moving it up and down, Jay’s promise rang out loud and clear despite the way it was grinded out, “Whatever he decides to do, I won’t stand in his way.”

//

Erin’s feet trudged through the snow, her exposed hands trembling in the below freezing weather. No matter how tightly she gripped them in Bella’s fur, they would not stop shaking. 

‘Because you’re nervous,’ her mind reminded her as she forced herself to pick up the pace so that she was walking alongside Jay and not two steps behind him. 

Nervous was an understatement. In less than a minute, she’d be walking into the 21stDistrict for the first time since she got caught shoving her loaded gun into a suspect’s mouth. She’d left badge-less and now she was returning badge-less and some small part of her felt that was an admittance of guilt and defeat. She was not returning as Detective Erin Lindsay; she was returning as Erin Lindsay, a common civilian with potentially useful information that might help a specialized unit solve a case. That was it.

“J-Jay, wait,” Erin stuttered, reluctantly slipping her hand out from the tiny bit of warmth Bella was providing it and latching onto the back of her fiancé’s coat. Jay, who had his arm reached out to open the doors to the district, turned around and looked at her with an intense amount of concern. 

He had been giving her that look all morning. 

She first noticed it when she was readying herself to jump in the shower he suggested that they take together. “I think we’d both benefit from a nice, hot shower this morning,” was what he had said. Of course, he was talking about the water temperature, but as she stripped her sleep clothes from her body, she was forced to lay her eyes upon the lacy bralette and panties she hurried to pick out and put on the night before. The sight of herself taking off the lingerie Jay was supposed to rid her of prompted a groan to escape from her mouth. The noise that spilled from her lips was loud enough to catch Jay’s attention and when he turned his head around, that was the first time the look masked his face. He didn’t even show any hints that he noticed her undergarments as she stepped out of the underwear and kicked them furiously in the direction of their hamper. So much for the night she wanted to have had. 

The second time she noticed it was when they were drinking their morning coffee and idly conversing over plates of scrambled eggs and toast that Jay had whipped up while she dried her wet hair. She had been mid-sentence talking about how beautiful she thought the city was after a fresh new sheet of snow was placed over it when her phone started to vibrate erratically next to her plated breakfast. 

“It’s Teddy,” she announced once the incoming messages were all received. “Uh, excuse me.” The look of concern followed her as she rose from the table and slipped down the hall and into their bedroom. Her actions were dumb—there was no reason why she couldn’t read the texts from her brother in front of Jay—but she was desperate to get away from that damn look that wouldn’t leave his face.

“What did he want?” he immediately asked once she had returned to the table. 

Shrugging, she replied, “Not much. Said he was sorry if it seemed like he was ignoring me but he’s just been extremely busy with the hotel and preparing for the holiday season. He uh, he also wanted to let me know that I can do whatever I want with Bunny’s ashes, he doesn’t care.”

Out of all of them, Erin actually expected Teddy to care the most. He had always been a momma’s boy and, even after all of the horrors he endured as a child and young adult, he desperately sought out Bunny after he came back from New York. She guessed that willingly moving away from Chicago opened his eyes to how destructive Bunny was on everyone’s lives—especially his own—and made Teddy see that he wanted nothing more to do with her. 

“He said he’s happy in Louisville and he’s going to be staying there and doesn’t want to come back here. He’s got a great job and apparently a new boyfriend and I don’t blame him for not wanting to leave that. I wouldn’t.” 

She bit back all negative thoughts that would point her down memory lane and tell her that she actually did just that; the past was the past for a reason and there was no way in hell she was going to make that mistake twice. That was a vow she had been making time and time and time again and would continue to do so because, stupid concern face and all, Jay Halstead was the best thing to ever happen to her and she was done putting all of her other shit before him.

“Teddy did suggest that I pour the ashes out into the lake or something like that,” she continued. “Says maybe it will be freeing or whatever.” 

“Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it,” was all Jay said before telling her she should probably finish up her breakfast so that they could leave. 

The third time she noticed it was when they were in the car on their way to the district. He had offered up the keys to her but she turned them down with a simple, “You can drive.” Instead of looking elated at her submission, he gave her that damn look and hesitated before offering up the keys once more. 

“For old time’s sake?” His smile was small, but it softened her gaze just the same and she accepted the truck’s keys from his hand. The look vanished as quickly as it came and she thought maybe that’d be the last she saw of it that morning.

Until now. 

“You okay Er?” She watched as he took in her vicelike grip on their dog and her rigid posture. Darting her eyes back and forth from him and the door to the building, she slowly shook her head no. 

“I just need a minute,” she uttered through her chattering teeth. “Just a minute.” 

“We’ll freeze if we wait a whole minute babe,” Jay pointed out, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and hugging her and Bella against his body. “You can do this Erin, you got Bella and me to get you through it.” 

She nodded her head against the quilted, waterproof material of his winter coat. He was right, of course. She had him and she had their new little four-legged family member who, despite what she said last night, had been brought to the district with them for the exact reason Jay just said: to get her through this. Erin knew that once she entered the bullpen, she was going to be whisked away by another team member to be interviewed about her knowledge of Joe. Due to her close, personal relationships with Hank and Jay, they were not going to be allowed to be the ones to talk to her and, depending who was assigned to get her statement, they probably weren’t even going to be allowed in the same room. Maybe this made her weak, but she knew there would be no way she’d get through this without someone or something to keep her grounded in the present and not get lost in the past like she had last night. 

God, that panic attack had been so embarrassing and she didn’t know what she’d do if another one happened in from of someone other than Jay. 

“You’re right, let’s go and get this over with so we can go home.”

“When are you going to realize that I am always right?” Jay pretended to grumble but the smirk on his face negated his tone of annoyance. 

Rolling her eyes, she ordered him to shut up. “Hurry up and open the damn door like the gentleman you always claim to be before we actually do freeze out here,” she added, laughing when he mimicked her eye roll and order to shut up. Erin smiled and gave a satisfied hum with a firm nod of her head when he still complied with her demand.

“I am a gentleman,” Jay stuck up for himself as he held the door open for her. “The most perfect gentleman you will—”

“—Erin!” Trudy Platt’s exclamation cut him off. “Welcome back! And, oh my gosh, look at that precious little baby!” 

“Sarge, this is Bella,” Erin introduced the two as she rushed up to the front desk. “Bella, this is Trudy.” Lifting the now wriggling puppy up and placing her on the empty counter, she added, “We got her yesterday, she’s about nine months old.”

She watched as Trudy picked Bella up and cuddled her against her chest. “She is the cutest little thing and is welcome here any time,” the desk sergeant gushed. Erin felt a wide grin split across her face and for a quick second, she completely forgot all of her fears over being back at her old district and the reason why she was here in the first place. 

“You hear that Chuckles?” Trudy’s voice hardened slightly as her attention shifted to Jay, who had just joined them at the desk. “I expect this precious little dog to come back and see me often.” 

Erin felt his hand rest against her lower back—the most amount of PDA he’d ever partake in while at work—as he answered, “Yeah sure Sarge, whatever you say,” Jay promised, his personal enjoyment over the situation seeping into his tone. “And how many times do we have to go over this? It’s Detective Chuckles.” 

The glare Platt sent him was frightening and Erin just knew that it prompted him to apply pressure to the small of her back and gesture towards the staircase that lead up to the bullpen. 

“Come on Er, the quicker we get up there, the quicker you can be done with everything,” he gently muttered in her ear. Everything; how could she forget that she was here to finish everything? Everything involving Bunny, everything Bunny ever did to her, everything she suffered at the hands of having Bunny as her mother, everything. In no more than an hour, she would be done with the woman; her hands would be washed of her. Then, knowing Hank and Jay, by the end of the day she’d never have to think about, wonder, or worry about the woman ever again; the two most important people in her life would dispose of the last lingering remains to the mystery and downfall of Bunny Fletcher. Most likely by tomorrow morning, all that would be left of Bunny are the memories she, Teddy, and Hank retained—but even those could be done away with if she so desired. Long ago, she perfected the art of locking away things she didn’t want to remember and throwing away the key to every padlock she secured their confinements with so that they’d never be able to find a way out. 

After today, the lid to her mental box containing her memories of Bunny could be bolted shut and once the ashes of the woman were disposed of, the key would be able to join all of the other keys she’d once possessed that were exiled to the land of the lost. 

Tilting her head in subtle acknowledgement of Jay’s efforts to move them away from Trudy and the curious patrol officers that had congregated around them, Erin reached out her hands and took Bella back into her arms. 

“We’ll see you later Sarge,” she promised before allowing Jay to lead her towards the stairs.

Watching him buzz them up was weird—not that any of this wasn’t—but something about seeing him buzz them up but not doing so because they were ascending into the bullpen as partners bothered her more than she cared to admit. All of this bothered her more than she cared to admit, she realized, and that realization was forcing her to reconcile all of those feelings that had been initially stirred up in her when Kim, and then Jay, informed her that Hank was looking for a way to get her back into the unit.

“We’re early enough that everyone might not be here yet.” Jay tried to come off as conversing with her casually, but she saw right through it. He was letting her know that she most likely would have a few minutes to pull herself together and get her head screwed on tight without the prying eyes of the whole team watching her do so before one of them sat her down and questioned her on everything she knew about O’Reilly. 

“I’m good,” she promised, her voice sounding as hollow as she suddenly felt. She was about to be interviewed by her former team members because she wasn’t on this case, because she wasn’t one of them. ‘Not anymore, and probably not ever,’ she thought as she shifted Bella’s weight around in her arms. 

“You know, you can probably put her down,” Jay pointed out. 

“I know, but I don’t want her to go crazy in a new setting around people she doesn’t know,” Erin said before letting out a huff of laughter. “You should have seen what a little terror she turned into when I first brought her inside our place yesterday. She went ballistic.” 

“This little angel?” Jay cooed, wriggling his pointer finger over Bella’s forehead. “I don’t believe it.” 

They were rounding the corner that brought them to their final few steps. Both of them paused and strained their ears to see if they could figure out who had arrived in the bullpen before them. Erin immediately noted how quiet it was and quickly ruled out Atwater and Ruzek being present. She knew that Kim had not yet come in because her newly crowned maid-of-honor had texted her just as she pulled into the district’s parking lot asking if she and Jay wanted a cup of coffee. So, that left Hailey and Hank and Erin was fairly certain that her adopted father had been in since the crack of dawn. 

“You sure you’re good?” She didn’t even have to turn her head to know that Jay was giving her that damn concerned look again; it was so strong that she could feel it burning a hole into the side of her head. 

“Does it even matter if I’m not?” she asked tiredly, knowing that she couldn’t lie to him and promise that she was doing okay when a part of her really she wasn’t.

Jay’s reaction was instant. Grasping onto each of her shoulders, he turned her body so that it was facing him and bent down until his eyes leveled with her own. 

“Of course it matters Er.” His husky, raw tone sent shivers down her spine. “If you can’t do this, or don’t want to…we will find another way. We aren’t the Intelligence Unit for nothing.” He stood up to his full height before she could bring herself to respond. Pressing a hard but comforting kiss just underneath her hairline on her forehead, Jay mumbled against her skin, “Case be damned, I need you to be okay babe and I will do whatever it takes to make sure you are. And if that means you don’t talk about your connection to O’Reilly, then you don’t talk. Simple as that. And if you want to leave the district, go home, and hide under our bed covers for a week, then that’s what we’ll do. Whatever you need Erin, I got you, I’m here.” 

Again, she had to ask herself how she got so fucking luckyto have a man as amazing as Jay Halstead love and care about her and her wellbeing. 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” she found herself repeating the compliment she gave him when he was going on some tangent about them being together for an infinite amount of years after she asked him if she could break out her extra pillows shortly after they moved in together the first time. “Do your thing babe,” was what he said to warrant the phrase being used then and she found equally, if not more applicable, now. 

He too must have remembered the first time she called him “amazing” because his face suddenly bore his signature grin that never failed to make her go weak at the knees. 

“Oh yeah,” he remarked with a wink—the same way he responded two years prior—before morphing his face once more into that concerned look of his that just wouldn’t go away. “But seriously Er, say the word and whatever you need, I got you…okay?” 

“I uh, I’m good Jay,” she vowed, forcing her voice to sound a tenfold stronger than she mentally felt. “I can do this, I think I need to do this, for me, for us, for Hank. We all need some kind of closure and I-I think this might be mine.” As soon as she finished saying it, she no longer thoughtthat whatever followed this moment mightbring her closure, she knewthat it would. Going back up into the bullpen, confessing all of the details of her past that might even be remotely helpful, facing the place and the unit she had been so abruptly pushed out of, lending a hand into the capture and downfall of her childhood tormentor and the man who contributed to Bunny’s death…it was all going to bring her a closure that she didn’t even really know she needed until she said it out loud.

She could do this. She had to do this.

//

“So, you guys decided to get a dog?” 

Jay barely heard Hailey’s attempts to start a conversation with him. His mind and eyes were focused solely on Erin, watching as she got questioned by Atwater and Ruzek in the breakroom. Bella was laying exceptionally still in her lap—as if she sensed now was the time to be a piece of comfort to her new owner and nothing else—and Erin had her hands clasped around a mug of coffee. Twenty-seven minutes had passed since the mug was handed to her by Ruzek just before the three of them sat down and she had yet to take a sip out of it. 

“Jay?” His partner pressed, determined to take his attention away from the room he’d give anything to be in right now. Judging by the way Kevin and Adam tensed up and exchanged looks of alarm and anger with each other, Jay inferred that Erin was going into a much more descriptive account of how she knew O’Reilly and what her theories on his location were. That was what Jay had been afraid of: Erin talking in more detail than she and his coworkers were prepared for. Though a very rare occurrence, Erin had the tendency to go off on tangents or confess about parts of her life she normally kept silent on when she was stressed, scared, angry, or upset. All throughout the morning, he noticed that she seemed to be in a state of all four emotions combined and there was not a doubt in his mind that whoever was picked to talk to her was not ready to handle what freely spilled from her mouth. But that wasn’t what had him so worried, so on edge. 

Ruzek and Atwater, even Kim and Hailey for that matter, had no clue how to handle Erin when she was in such a state. His girl was in that room all alone and with no one really in her corner to aid her when it all predictably became too much.

“She looks like she’s doing fine Jay,” Kim’s soft voice accomplished what Hailey had been trying to achieve for the last few minutes. Tilting his head sideways at the female officer who was now perched on the corner of his desk, Jay narrowed his eyes at his friend and asked, “Then why do Ruz and Kev look like they’re about to hurl?” 

Kim placed her hand gently on his shoulder and gave it tight squeeze. “She’s the strongest person I know Jay, she’s got this.” She spoke so confidently that he felt like he had to believe her. 

“I know how strong she is, believe me, but Kim…” Jay shook his head and cast another look at his fiancé. She had finally removed her hands from the mug and was softly threading them through Bella’s furry ears. “Even the strongest of dams get cracks in them sometimes.” 

Seeming to have no response, Kim squeezed his shoulder once more and then returned to her desk while he returned to his watch. 

Three minutes and seventeen seconds later, Adam and Kevin stood from their chairs, leaned across the table and rested their hands on Erin’s left and right shoulders respectfully, and then exited the room. 

There was no mistaking the ashen look on both of their faces. 

“Did you two get everything?” Voight, having rushed into the bullpen from his office the second he saw his two officers enter it, demanded. 

Adam nodded slowly, apparently in some state of shock, as Kevin answered for the both of them. “Uh yeah, Linds gave us three possible locations, one being the Englewood address you had Hailey and Jay check out that one time.”

“Boss, we gotta get this son of a bitch,” Ruzek spoke up, his voice sounding hoarse. “I say we split up and have three of us go to one address while three of us go to the other to make sure he doesn’t get away.” 

Jay’s eyebrows raised at the bold way in which Adam was speaking to his superior and his eyes once again flitted back over to Erin, who was now taking small sips from the surely cold mug of coffee, curious to know what she said to get the younger cop to talk in such an authoritative way.

“No, I want surveillance on all three locations,” Voight stated. “Burgess and Atwater, Upton and Ruzek.” He assigned an address to each of the pairs before turning to Jay. “Halstead, you’re with me.” Jay’s eyes hardened and he fought back a sigh as Voight proceeded to ask if Erin specified which location he’d most likely be at.

Of course he was going to be with Voight and of course Voight was going to make sure that they went to the address that would give them the best chances of finding O’Reilly. If it was just the two of them, they could act accordingly and not have to worry about dragging the rest of the team into this mess. Thinking about all of the ways Voight might want to play this out (fatally shoot O’Reilly and then report back to the upper brass that they were shot at first; cuff O’Reilly and drag him to the silos where they could do whatever they wanted to the man without anyone watching or know; do to O’Reilly what Voight and Al intended for Pulpo), Jay snuck another look towards Erin. He was surprised when his eyes connected with her own and she offered him a smile and a shrug. For all intents and purposes, she looked okay, a little shaken, but overall better than he really thought she would be given how Ruzek and Atwater still looked spooked over what they heard. 

Maybe she was right. Maybe, doing this, confessing whatever she confessed, was what she needed to get closure over what happened and move on for good. A quick glance downwards had her shaking hands on full display, but if a slight tremor was her only lasting symptom then perhaps things were finally starting to look up for her and he had been concerned for nothing. 

She’s the strongest person he knew and right now, he’d deliver a swift punch to his face for suggesting to Kim that Erin wasn’t able to handle this, especially since, in retrospect, this was hardly nothing compared to what Erin has had to endure in her thirty-two, almost thirty-three, years of living. 

“Halstead! Quit it with the heart eyes and let’s go!” Voight snapped. “We’re catching this bastard today!” 

Heat crawling up his neck and creeping onto his cheeks, Jay turned his head back to the team. His quickly mumbled “sorry” was drowned out by his boss’s final directions: “If any of you get eyes on O’Reilly, sit tight and call me.” There was an implied ‘he won’t be making it to a cell’ and Jay watched as his colleagues all shifted awkwardly on their feet and cast sideway glances at each other, gaging to see if anyone was going to contradict the order. Unsurprisingly, all eyes landed on him, the person they could always rely on to be the voice of reason. 

They were on their own today. 

“Alright, gear up and move out,” Voight ordered, slapping his hand firmly against Jay’s back as he did so. Not missing a single look of surprise on the team’s faces at his silent compliance, Jay rushed over to his desk and began putting on his effects: coat, hat, badge, and gun. Then, for good measure, he stuffed one of his army issued knives into the back of his belt and the other inside his right black work boot. ‘Better be overprepared than under,’ he silently told himself as he doubled checked his gun to make sure that it was fully loaded. 

If he had a shot, he was fairly certain he was going to be taking it without any hesitation, Voight’s desire to have O’Reilly all to himself be damned.

“I’m driving,” was all the sergeant said as the two of them made their way down to the roll-up where Hank’s SUV was parked. Knowing that he’d have about as much luck with Voight as he normally did with Erin in a fight for the driver’s seat, Jay silently complied yet again. 

The ride to whatever destination they were on their way to was filled with unbridled tension and anticipation. Both men were caught up in their thoughts over what they were about to do and daydreaming about how they were going to do it. Neither wanted to say what they were thinking nor discuss the plan if O’Reilly was not in fact at the address they were speeding towards. Jay knew he and Voight could count on Burgess and Atwater to turn over O’Reilly but Upton and Ruzek were the wild cards. Adam generally did as he was told and, given his reaction to whatever it was that Erin told him, seemed likely to call Jay and Voight. Hailey though…her convictions were just as strong as Jay’s and she had no appreciation or admiration for rogue cops. Plus, the string that tied her to Erin was impeccably thin and there was no way she was going through with this mission to avenge the girl everyone else considered family. 

Praying to God and every saint that he could think of, Jay turned his head out the window and watched as the buildings and street signs blurred into one image. O’Reilly had to be at this location, there was no other option if business was to be taken care of the way Erin wanted and Voight intended it to. 

“How’s she doing?” 

The words were spoken in such a low tone Jay had to blink a few times before he fully registered what was said. 

“Well, she went out and got a dog,” he answered flatly. 

“So, not good?” Voight inquired. 

“Not great, but not bad either,” Jay explained. “Friday night was rough but by the time we went to bed last night she uh, she seemed good. She struggled to come to terms with how she felt about everything but uh, she’s doing better than I expected.” 

Voight hummed as he processed the information Jay had given him. “She didn’t seem too upset when we were at Med,” he mused. 

Jay scrunched his eyebrows together and thought about how in-depth he was or wasn’t allowed to go with his answers. On one hand, Voight was asking as a concerned parent and just wanted to make sure that his daughter was okay or, at least, going to be okay. But on the other hand, it wasn’t really Jay’s place to say. This was Erin they were talking about, her feelings, and she should be the one to describe them to her father-figure, not Jay. 

“I don’t think she’s upset by what happened per say,” he began, choosing his words carefully so that he wasn’t overstepping his place in all of this. “I think she’s more so just trying to figure out and accept how all of this is making her feel. Like I texted you last night, she wants this case buried and for it to not amount to anything more than it already has.” 

Slowing to a stop at a red light, Jay watched as Voight looked over at him and studied him long and hard. “You and I are going to make that happen, no matter what.” It wasn’t a statement, it was a nonnegotiable demand that, even if he thought differently, told Jay he had no choice but to go along with it. 

Thankfully, for once, he was on the same page as Hank Voight.

Accepting Jay’s swift nod of his head, Voight turned his attention back to the road just in time to see the red light turn green. Flooring the gas pedal, the SUV lurched forward, it’s engine revving up loudly. Amidst the noise, Jay heard his boss enunciate a resounding “good.”


	25. Chapter 25

“That damn bitch gave me up didn’t she?” an older man with a neatly trimmed beard and dark, hardened eyes growled the second Jay and Voight turned the corner and entered the living room area of an extremely run down home on the outskirts of the city. “I should have known.” The laugh that followed was cruel and chilling, the kind that can only be applied to a stereotypical villain. Somehow, as the hairs on his arms raised slightly at the sound, Jay believed this man was the ultimate stereotypical villain: he preyed on little girls, committed baseless, heinous crimes, and beat a woman to death. 

Sometime during Jay’s silent classification of the man did three guns get drawn. 

“Bunny always has to look out for number one, herself,” O’Reilly continued, his gaze menacing as it stared down the barrel of his gun, which was rotating between pointing at Voight and Jay. “Doesn’t matter how many people she screws over.”

“How’d she screw you over?” Voight spat, not bothering to correct the man that Bunny was dead and should be referred to in the past tense. “Seems to me she was actually the victim here.” 

O’Reilly cocked his gun then, firmly placing his finger on the trigger, ready to take fire at any moment. “Ha! I bet that’s the way she spun it! Did that cunt tell you that she stole thousands of dollars from me? That she is so far in debt to the wrong kind of people they’re hunting her down now as we speak. I’ve been the one protecting her the past two months and what do I get? A thank you? Fuck no, she takes all my money and then has the audacity to come back and ask me for more?” O’Reilly turned his head and spat onto the dirty hardwood floors. “It was about dam time someone taught Bunny Fletcher a lesson.”

“And you thought that beating her to death was the lesson she deserved?” Voight questioned, his own fingers hovering over the trigger of his gun as well. 

Jay was more than content to be the bystander in this conversation and Voight’s backup if needed. With his own gun trained on O’Reilly, he thought about what the man said and let his mind connect all of the dots that have been floating around aimlessly in his head for the past two months. It all made sense now; why Bunny demanded money from Voight, why she went into hiding, why she sought out an old lover who barely treated her right. She owed people, presumably bad people, money and if she stayed in one place for too long, the more likely it was that she was going to find her. He was willing to bet a good chunk of change on the fact that Bunny most likely sought out O’Reilly, desperate for a companion who could offer protection and whisk her away to their old, private world of sex and drugs. Then, after becoming comfortable with him once more, she got cocky and began to seek out any aid he’d be willing to provide with the promise that she’d pay him back. Except, the promise was an empty one and as soon as O’Reilly figured that out, he snapped.

“To death? What the fuck are you talking about?” Jay was surprised to hear a tone of surprise in O’Reilly’s voice. For all she had endured over her life, especially at his hands if Erin’s recollections were anything to go by, the man must have just assumed Bunny scurried off to nurse her wounds by herself for a while. 

“She died,” Voight informed coolly. “You beat her to death.” That was a stretch of the truth—the drugs in her system were the ultimate killer—but O’Reilly didn’t need to know that. The man’s gun lowered half an inch as he came to terms with what he was being told. 

“No, no you’re lying. This is just some ploy to get me to leave her alone and forget about all of the money she owes me.”

“He’s not lying,” Jay decided to speak up. “She was pronounced dead at Med two days ago.” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” O’Reilly roared, his gun rising back up to its leveled position. “I am not going to prison, you can’t prove it was me that killed her!” 

“Actually, we can,” Voight’s voice sounded deathly calm. “Coroners reckon she put up a good fight and your DNA was all over her, especially underneath her finger nails. Those scratches on the left side of your face are all the proof I need to corroborate their theory.” 

Jay watched as O’Reilly’s face turned a deep shade of red, his fury palpable and inextinguishable. 

“I’m not going to prison. I am not going to prison,” was all he muttered before jerking the gun in his hand forward and pressing his finger down on the trigger. 

Three shots. 

Two thuds. 

A groan. 

It was over. 

The dirty and tattered rug was unable to soak up the rapidly flowing blood and in no time trickles of the crimson colored substance made tracks across the dusty hardwood floors. For a moment, there was no movement from anyone in the room. One man was dead and two men were frozen in place, breathing so deeply their lungs felt like they were on fire. Neither man minded though; the burning feeling signified that they were alive, that their lives were not steadily pumping out of them like the grey haired man on the floor. 

Another groan filled the room and Jay’s hands gripped his gun tightly at the noise. He slowly began to raise it, an unwanted flashback causing him to half expect another body to join them. 

Two was enough, three was a crowd. 

“Halstead, you good?” The sound of his boss’s gruff voice prompted him to lower his hand and holster his gun. It was over. There was no longer a need for it. 

“Yeah Sarge, I’m good,” he reassured his boss, stepping carefully over the stains on the floor and crouching down to confirm that O’Reilly was in fact dead. “You?” he questioned as he pressed his index and middle fingers against the man’s still warm neck. 

“Banged my knee pretty hard against the floor dodging that bullet, but I’m good,” Voight answered. “He’s gone?”

Pulling his fingers away from the lifeless body, Jay nodded his head in confirmation. “We better call it in,” was all he said. 

Voight nodded and pulled out his phone to make the necessary notifications. “It was a clean shoot,” the sergeant declared before stalking off into another room. 

Staring down at O’Reilly, his eyes drawn to the two expertly placed bullet holes on O’Reilly’s chest, Jay repeated the phrase in his head. 

It was a clean shoot. It was a clean shoot. It was a clean shoot. 

The thing is, there’s no need for him to drill this phrase into his mind. Voight was right; it had been a clean shoot. He could go home tonight and sleep soundly next to his girl knowing that he was not covering up some dirty work that, if known about by others, would surely get him fired. 

O’Reilly pulled the gun out first. O’Reilly took the first shot. Voight acted in self-defense: shoot or be killed. 

He would have taken the same two shots had O’Reilly’s gun been pointed at him. Hell, he probably would have taken more than two shots. Jay knew what a bullet piercing a body felt like and, given all of the pain and suffering O’Reilly caused Erin, the bastard deserved to have been lit up. 

//

Jay woke with a start. Squinting his eyes in combatant to the harsh, luminescent lighting that filled the room, he attuned himself to his surroundings. Given that all of the lights were on in the room and space beside him was empty, he figured that Erin was already up and getting ready in the bathroom. Rolling over and blindly reaching out for his phone, his eyes widened in shock when he saw that it was already six in the morning. They had less than an hour to get the spot at the lake where they were expected to be meeting Voight. 

Nine days had passed since Bunny died, seven days since Voight shot and killed Joseph O’Reilly. Erin had cried tears of relief when the news had been delivered to her and, with the exception of the dream he had just woken up from, the event had pretty much been filed away like it was any other case they had picked up. 

Having an inkling of an idea as to why his mind decided to revisit O’Reilly’s demise while he was in a sleeping state, Jay rolled out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom. Pushing the cracked door fully open, Jay was relieved to see that Erin was already showered and dressed and was putting the final touches of her minimally worn makeup on. 

“I was starting to think I was going to have to drag you out of bed,” she mused without so much of a head tilt his way. 

“Sorry babe, I’ll be ready to go in twenty,” he promised before yanking the boxers and sweats he went to bed in off of his body and stepped into the shower, not caring at all that the water hadn’t had the chance to warm up. He was not going to be the reason that they were late to meet Voight, not today. 

“Hank texted me a little bit ago and was wondering if we’d be interested in going for breakfast after,” Erin informed. “I hope it’s okay that I said yes?” 

Hastily scrubbing his body wash over himself, Jay called out, “Yeah, works for me!” Even if it wasn’t, he still would have said yes. Today was the day that they were pouring out Bunny’s ashes and as much as Erin said she was good, that she was not affected by the situation whatsoever, he knew that a small part of her was grieving the finality of Bunny’s death. She may be holding the position that Bunny was never a real mom to her, but Bunny was a figure that was an unreliably steady presence in her life. Try as she might, Erin was incapable of not caring about giving the woman one final send off. 

“And after, I thought that maybe we could take Bella to the park or something and just walk around? It’ll be cold but it beats sitting around the apartment all day,” she continued. Jay bit back his remark about all the things they could do to pass time inside their home and hummed in compliance. Given that Erin was supposed to be working today (she thankfully had been allowed to take it off to spread the ashes) and had a pretty heavy work schedule in the coming days, a day out with her and Bella had great potential to be a lot of fun—even if it was colder than any of them preferred it to be outside. 

He had just begun rinsing the shampoo out of his hair when Erin declared that she was finished getting ready and would take Bella out. “You better be done when we get back,” she warned. “Hank will be pissed if we’re late.” 

Rolling his eyes and promising that he would be, Jay mentally reminded himself that not every morning could be filled with flirting and great shower sex. She was right: Voight would kill them if they showed up late and, given the fact that on a good day he was just barely tolerated by the older man, Jay was not going to do anything that would potentially jeopardize his standing. 

Jumping out of the shower and reasoning that he did not have time to shave, Jay rushed through combing his hair, running some gel through it, and brushing his teeth. Deciding that he should dress in accordance to the morning’s plans, he slipped on a pair of black jeans and a dark grey crewneck sweater. He had just finished putting on his flannel lined black jacket over his zipped up black hoodie when Erin stumbled into the house, Bella trotting in happily alongside her. 

“Jay!” She began to yell as he jogged out of the bedroom and down the hallway. “Are you—oh good, you’re ready to go,” she observed, her teeth chattering slightly. 

“I said I would be,” he remarked, bending down to select a pair of black boots from the many pairs of shoes that lined the wall. 

“Yeah, yeah you did,” Erin agreed with a sigh that prompted him to look up at her in concern. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I…I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I didn’t think I’d be like this today, I…” She may have trailed off, but he understood just what she was saying. Like he thought earlier, Erin was incapable of not being affected by today. In less than forty minutes, as the sun rose up and casted its glow over the city, Hank was going to open up the small urn that had been delivered to him yesterday and dump out its contents into the water. That had been Erin’s only request about the day, that they heed Teddy’s suggestion since he was not going to be physically present. She wanted him to be a part of the day in some way and going along with how he thought Bunny’s ashes should be disposed of was the only way she thought how. 

Standing upright, completely unconcerned by the fact that only one of his shoes was tied, Jay stepped forward and enveloped Erin’s body against his own. “Babe, don’t worry about it, I get it,” he assured her, pressing his lips against the black beanie that covered her hair and was pulled down all the way to her ear as a way of further conveying to her that he understood where she was coming from. “When my dad died, I thought I was fine, I thought that it didn’t bother me, that I was good. But, then I got shot because, come to find out, I did care. It’s okay to care Erin, she was your mom.” He half expected her to yell at him like she had the first time he made that comment, but no shouts came. Nothing came actually; she just wrapped her arms around him tighter and exhaled deeply.

“I’m happy she’s gone, happy that we don’t have to worry about her or deal with her anymore but…I don’t know Jay, I am just ready for this all to be over and to move on,” she finally said, her voice so muffled by his jacket that it was barely audible. 

Jay had heard her though, heard everything that she had been trying to say even if she didn’t outright say it. Bunny was gone and that was a good thing. But no matter how much of a good thing something was, that did not erase all the years of pain, suffering, and longing for a better mom, a better life. Feelings like that did not just go away and Jay was sorry to know that Erin was going to be plagued by these mixed emotions for a long time. 

“We better get going then Er,” he muttered. “The sooner we leave, the sooner we are done with this and can go get breakfast.” His attempts to get her to smile worked. Pulling out of his embrace, she playfully swatted at his arm and jokingly reprimanded him about how he always had to think with his stomach. 

“A guy’s gotta eat,” he said, failing in his attempts to sound serious. 

“You’re always hungry,” Erin said with a wink. Shrugging, Jay bent back down to finish tying his untied shoe and unhook Bella from her leash. Once free, the dog scampered off in the direction of her bed in the living room. 

“We hit the jackpot with that dog,” he commented, stunned that not once did she whine, bark, or tug on the leash she had been left on for an extended period of time. He stood up once more and was greeted by Erin’s outstretched hands pushing his own black beanie in his direction. Taking it from her hands, Jay set it back down on the table and promised he’d put it on later when they came back to pick up Bella for their trip to the park. “I don’t think we’ll be outside for too long, I’ll be fine,” he promised. 

“You just don’t want your hair to get messed up,” Erin teased, grabbing his hand, turning on her heel, and leading him out the door. 

“We can’t all look as effortlessly good as you.” He laughed when Erin sassily flipped her hair and agreed with him. 

“Let’s go you loser, Hank’s probably already at the lake waiting,” she bantered as she slipped her gloved hand into his own. 

//

Droplets of water sprayed across Erin’s face. The water beads carried over to her from the lake by the wind were hardly a significant size, but had her whole body feeling like it was doused with ice water. She was uncharacteristically thankful for the water, thankful that Hank requested they stand as close to the lake’s edge as possible so that there was no chance of Bunny’s ashes blowing away into the sand. 

She didn’t belong in the sand, Hank had mumbled when Erin flashed him an incredulous look after he first suggested the idea. It took her a moment to remember that Bunny was Hank’s first…friend, love, confidant, mistake, nemesis…well, whatever label applied, Bunny was something to Hank and clearly, no matter how messy their relationship had gotten, the man was torn up about her death. Respecting his wishes, Erin allowed the man who saved her from Bunny’s influence lead her down to the water until his boots were sinking down into it and hers were right on the edge. Aware that Jay was trailing a little ways behind them both, she reached her hand back and gestured him to stand next to her when Hank had begun to open up the urn. 

It was just as the last bits of Bunny’s ashes were tipped out into the shallow waters of Lake Michigan did Erin become overwhelmed with this sense of gratitude towards the bits of water grazing the uncovered skin on her face. The finality of the situation had become just a little bit too real, she realized as she watched and listen to Hank tap the bottom of the urn to make sure that no traces of Bunny’s remains were left inside of it. Bunny Fletcher, her reluctant mother, was officially gone. The wind’s generous gift was the perfect disguise for the lonely tear that trickled down her face. No sense mourning what was, but, as she watched the ashes mix in with the water and get swept away with the current, Erin came to the conclusion that a small part of her will always mourn what could have been. 

A jumble of mumbles that ended with what suspiciously sounded like an “Amen” snapped Erin out of her trance and she turned sideways to look at the man they had come from. 

“Are you praying?” she gasped, a small smile playing across her lips. She felt a rush of satisfaction when Jay’s cheeks, which were already red from the cold, deepened in color and he turned his head to the side, clearly embarrassed at having been caught. 

“Habit,” he shrugged. Erin bit back a scoff and exaggeratedly nodded her head. 

“Uh-huh, sure.” She wanted to say more, wanted to make silly jokes about him being a good, Catholic boy, but was forced to hold everything in when Hank not so subtly let out a few coughs. 

“You two good? Or can we leave and go get breakfast?” the older man gruffly asked. Erin took in his hunched shoulders and trailed her eyes down his locked arms until her gaze landed on the prominent bulges of his clenched fists in the pockets of his coat. He was ready to leave, ready to put the matter behind him, ready to not have to ever visit this place and the memories now associated with it again. 

“Yeah, we’re good,” Erin said, tightening her hold on Jay’s hand. “Where did you want to get breakfast?” 

“The Diner,” Hank answered so quickly she barely even got the chance to finish asking the question. No specification of what diner he was talking about was needed. Hank Voight was a creature of habit and there were very few places in Chicago that he dared to frequent and the little diner about a mile down from his home was one of them. The mom-and-pop diner maintained a very special place in Erin’s heart because it was where she used to meet Hank when she was a young girl working as his CI. Too many times had Hank pleaded with her to accept his offer at a better life at their usual table in the farthest corner away from the windows in the back of the restaurant. The diner itself became a beacon of hope, offering her a glimpse at a life beyond the horrible one she had lived in. Plus, the food tasted great too and no, that wasn’t her little starved stomach’s opinion. Hank and her made a point to go to the diner at least once a month to catch up on their lives outside of the job. 

Over cups of coffee and his traditional steak and eggs and her favorite Banquet #2—two scrambled eggs, two pieces of French toast, two pieces of bacon, two pieces of sausage, and a side of home fries—she told him all about her annoying neighbors, silly stories about her and her friends, her relationships, everything. It was where Hank had taken her the first morning after she moved back into his home after her sabbatical and detailed just how she was going to fight her addiction. It was where she confessed to him that she and Jay were giving their relationship an honest go two days after the very public display of affection at Molly’s. It was where she watched all of that childhood hope she once believed to be a far-fetched gimmick shift and become her reality. 

Yet, despite all of that, Erin was unable to stop her eyes from widening in surprise. 

“The Diner? Are you sure?” She had to ask because from the very first time Hank ever took her there to the last time they went just after she moved back, it had always been a place for just him and her. Their “thing” they both liked to say whenever Camille or Justin asked to tag along. It was their thing and no one had ever been allowed to intrude on it; except for now it seemed. 

Hank’s set gaze on Jay was apparent and Erin didn’t even have the heart in her to chuckle at Jay’s obvious discomfort. Erin had told Jay numerous times about the Diner; he knew how sacred it was to the two of them and she was unsure if his uneasiness stemmed from the way Hank was looking at him or knowing that he was the first person to be invited to join in on their tradition. 

“Where else would we go?” Hank settled on before briskly walking back to his SUV, not at all bothering to wait for the couple to catch up. 

“Erin, I’m fine hitching a ride back home,” Jay immediately said once Hank was out of earshot. “If you want it to just be the two of you, I get it, I respect that. I know how much that place—”

“—Jay, shut up and give me the keys,” she interrupted. “Of course you’re coming. I want you to come. Hank clearly doesn’t mind, which is odd, but just go along with it. Unless…unless you really don’t want to.” She dreaded that his answer would actually be yes. From the second Hank said the name, Erin had been overcome with this desire to take Jay to the place that meant so much to her, that played a role in saving her. It was a silly comparison, but in her mind, the Diner was her cabin in Wisconsin and she wanted Jay to love it.

“Am I being permanently demoted to a house husband again?” he joked as he dug around his coat pocket for the keys. Erin cast one last glance at the lake and watched for a moment as its waves cascaded over each other and filtered through the sandy banks. Bunny and all of her problems and messes were gone for good. There was no sense living in the past, stalling moving on any longer. Just as she was about to turn herself around, Jay did so for her. With his hands placed on both of her shoulders, he leveled his eyes with her own and softly said, “Of course I want to come, I actually feel really honored to even have been invited. I just, I know how much this place means to you guys, how it’s always just been for the two of you, and I don’t want to overstep.” 

Erin stepped forward so that she was pressed against his body and wrapped her arms loosely around his waist. “You’re family now Jay, and I think Hank has finally realized that I, we, are all he really has left. Something tells me that inviting you to the Diner is his way to expressing that,” she admitted. 

“Well then we better hurry up and get over there before he decides to excommunicate us before we even make our little family official,” Jay teased, bringing his chapped lips down to her own. “I love you and I am so proud of you for getting through this the way that you have.” 

“You mean not going off the rails and putting my poor liver at risk?” 

“Well, yes,” he said flatly before picking his voice up to a more sincere tone. “But you know what I mean.” She did because she was proud of herself too. Excluding that one night where she lost her shit on him, she remained in control of her emotions at all times. Her mind stayed rational and she was unfazed by the unexpected twists and turns Bunny’s final days brought to light. She did not succumb to her guilt and did not succumb to her joy when she got the news that Joe had been killed. She did not let any negativity taint the resound relief she was still feeling due to the knowledge that Bunny and Joe were no longer around to destroy her happiness and progress. She was proud at how she was able to put the whole situation behind her and brace herself for the good in her life rather than focus on the bad of her past. 

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beeeeep! 

Erin rotated around in Jay’s arms and, with a squint of her eyes, picked up on Hank laying on the horn of his SUV, clearly annoyed at the time he’s already wasted waiting around for the two of them to get back into Jay’s truck. “We better go,” she advised with a roll of her eyes at how ridiculous her father-figure was being. He had his moment before they arrived at the lake, it would only be a common courtesy if he allowed them theirs. 

“Oh yeah,” Jay agreed, his tone grim and the stride he took off in long. Erin allowed herself one more moment to herself before she rushed to catch up with him. Staring out at the lake one last time, closing her eyes and relishing in the feel of the droplets of water that had continue to spray across her face, she felt at peace. Bunny was gone. But those who really mattered weren’t. 

//

Jay listened in shock as his girl rattled off her order to the middle-aged waitress. He knew that she had an appetite, but this breakfast order was a whole other story. 

“Halstead, what are you having?” Voight’s gruff voice snapped him out how his thoughts on how Erin could possibly put away that much food and still look as amazing as she did. 

“Uh, I’ll have the farmer’s skillet please with an English muffin,” he quickly ordered. The waitress jotted everything down in her worn out notepad and then walked off with a pop of the gum she was chewing. 

“You two got any plans for the rest of the day?” Voight conversed, albeit a little awkwardly. Jay could tell that he was out of his element, and that, even though he was the one who invited Jay to join them, the older man was apprehensive about his presence at the table. 

“We were thinking of taking Bella to the park later,” Erin piped up over her steaming cup of coffee. “Figured it’d be nice to get her out of the apartment for a change.” 

“Kind of cold for that though, don’t you think?” Jay sat back and let the two talk. He was more than content being in the shadows of this little get together, content with watching how Voight interacted with Erin in a place that was not work or the hospital because, come to think of it, those were the only two places Jay ever really saw his boss. 

“I mean probably, but that’s what hats, gloves, and shots of whiskey are for,” Erin laughed, clearly pleased with her little joke. It was good to see this carefree, especially when not even two hour earlier he was convinced that today was going to be a rough one for her. But, he should know by now that that was his girl: full of surprises. 

Hank was not as impressed with her comment and changed the subject. “So, how’s the wedding planning going?” Jay watched as Erin slowly put down her drink and responded with a sheepish shrug. 

“I got a dress,” she said it in a way that would make one think that was the most important detail of the whole shebang. His mind immediately fluttered back to that day at the cabin where she talked about her ‘Cinderella wishes’ and wondered if maybe the dress was the pinnacle moment in their wedding plans for her. That maybe, she thought if she picked out a dress, then everything would just magically fall into place like it had in the Disney movie.

“That’s nice,” Voight responded with a genuine smile. “So you have a dress and a date, anything else?” His interest was unnerving and Jay was willing to bet that this will forever be the weirdest conversation he would ever have with Hank Voight. 

“Our colors are going to be navy and white.” 

“Let me guess, Halstead picked the colors to get out of buying a proper tux.” 

“I picked the colors actually!” Erin pointed out. “And I don’t think Jay plans to wear either of his uniforms.” Voight must have noticed how his body visibly tensed up at the pluralization Erin used because he kept his attention on Erin and continued to discuss their plans—or lack thereof—with her. 

“Erin,” Voight deadpanned. “Your wedding is barely over six months away.” Then, before Erin had the chance to defend herself, Voight rotated in his seat and glared over at him. “Halstead, don’t tell me you’re making her plan this whole thing by herself.”

Gulping, he rapidly began to shake his head while wondering where his sense of self went. He was a goddamn Army Ranger turned detective and here he was, terrified at a simple question about wedding planning. ‘Get a fucking grip,’ his mind yelled to him in a voice that reminded him a little too much like his father. 

“Hank, we just haven’t had the time between the move and getting settled in. And then with Bunny and, well, we’ll figure it out. It’s not like we want anything too crazy anyway. It’ll get done,” Erin answered for him. 

“Sarge, all that matters is that on June seventeenth she becomes my wife. Everything else will figure itself out,” Jay said with as much conviction as he could. Voight eyed him curiously for a few seconds before letting out a deep harrumph and taking a sip out of his own cup of coffee. 

“I was going to ask Danny to be the ring bearer,” Erin mused, a small smile gracing her face at the thought. It was the first time she mentioned including her surrogate nephew in the wedding but Jay had no objections. “And I actually also plan on asking Olive to be one of my bridesmaids,” she continued. 

Jays’ interest piqued at the mention of her bridesmaids; she knew who he picked as his groomsmen but he still had no idea who she was considering to stand alongside her. 

“That’s, that’s really nice.” Slightly rattled by how choked up Voight sounded, Jay jumped into the conversation to give the man a moment. Ever since Olive moved away after Justin’s death, she very rarely came around the city anymore and Jay knew that Voight only saw his grandson a handful of times a year due to the distance between them and the crazy work hours the unit found themselves stuck in. He felt bad for Voight, in all honesty because up until a few weeks ago, the sergeant was all alone with nothing but work to keep him company. 

“Have you given any more thought on who else you’re going to ask?” he probed. 

Erin stared pensively into her coffee for a moment before tilting her head to the side and peering up at him, completely disregarding Voight’s eyes that were trained on her, shining with curiosity as well. “You’re going to have four, maybe five guys right?” She checked. “Mouse, Will, Adam, Kev, and Antonio if he’s able to come?” Antonio had been an addition to his initial list. At first left off because he was not sure if his friend would even be around for the wedding, let alone come to it, Jay came to the decision that it didn’t hurt to ask. He considered Antonio to be just as much as one of his brothers as he did the other four. 

Nodding in confirmation, he added, “But who knows if all five of them will be there. I mean, I haven’t even asked Antonio and there’s still been no word on Mouse.” 

“None?” Voight sharply interjected at the mention of the unit’s former tech specialist. 

“Not for a few months now.” Erin’s hand slipped down and rested on his thigh, offering him a comforting squeeze. Too many times had she walked in on him swearing at his computer when he was unable to find a signal that would allow him to video chat with his buddy. Trying not to think of what the silence might mean and reminding himself that this was just how it was over there, Jay shrugged and told his boss that he would have been informed if something drastic had happened. 

Accepting his assurances, Voight didn’t press the matter any further and turned back towards Erin and repeated Jay’s earlier question about who else she was considering to be in her bridal party. 

“Well, I already asked Kim to be my maid of honor,” she stated. “But uh, I don’t know, like I said I was thinking of asking Olive. Um, I’ll probably ask Annie and maybe Sylvie and Natalie? Gabby already told me she won’t be able to come to the wedding when we talked the other day.” 

“That’s only four. Halstead will most likely have five people.” Now it was Jay’s turn to place a comforting hand on her thigh. Looking sideways at her, his lips twitching upwards, he silently told her that she should open up about the only other wedding detail they had discussed with one another. 

“Regardless of how many groomsmen Jay has, I’ll have one less bridesmaid. I uh, actually we thought that Nadia deserved to be included in some way and…” Erin faltered but Jay noticed Voight shoot her a look of total understanding. Reaching across the table and gently clasping his hand around hers, Voight silently gave her his approval of their plans. No words needed to be exchanged and even if they were on the brink of being said, the arrival of their breakfast diverted the attention away from them. 

As the waitress set their plates down in front of them and refilled their cups of coffee, Jay was once again floored by the amount of food he knew his girl was about to put away. 

“She’ll eat it all,” Voight chuckled, apparently having caught onto his stare. “In record timing too.” 

Laughing at the scrunched up face Erin shot her pseudo-father before dousing her French toast in syrup, Jay said, “Oh, I have no doubt in my mind about that.”

The conversation lulled as the three of them tucked into their food and it wasn’t until noticeable dents had been inflicted on each of their plates did Voight restart the conversation. 

“Thanksgiving is this Thursday,” he began before popping a piece of steak into his mouth. “You’re both going to be coming by, right?” 

His fork freezing in mid-air, Jay turned to Erin to gage her reaction. In all the years that they had been friends, partners, and lovers, they had yet to actually spend a holiday they were not required to work on together. Ever since his mother passed, his Thanksgiving and Christmas plans were set in stone and as much as he loved Erin, he wasn’t sure if he was willing to completely miss out on Gail Corson’s famous turkey dinner for a day with Hank Voight at his house.

Erin seemed to think nothing of his inner turmoil on the subject and responded with a noncommittal shrug. “I wouldn’t dare to miss it,” she beamed. 

Voight gave a satisfied nod and turned to Jay. “What about you Halstead?” 

Rubbing the back of his neck, he scrambled to think of a solution that would satisfy them all. This wasn’t like in the past where it was semi-socially acceptable for them to spend the holidays apart. They were engaged to be married and, even though Erin always claimed to not put a lot of stock in the holiday season, the look she was currently giving him told him that she was really hoping to spend the day with him and Voight…together. 

“Uh, I usually go to the Corson’s but, uh, I’m sure I can find a way to make going to both places work,” he tried. Judging by the way Erin’s face slightly fell and his boss glared at him, his half-ass answer was hardly an adequate one. 

Erin was the first to get over her disappoint. “What time do the Corson’s usually eat? Because we could always do lunch at one and dinner at the other. Or, dinner at one and dessert at the other.” His heart swelled at her attempts to come up with a compromise and he found himself deciding that if she was willing to include herself in his plans, he could sacrifice Gail’s dinner and settle for just her pumpkin pie so he could fit himself into hers. 

“Dinner at Voight’s and then dessert there afterwards should work,” he said, turning to face his boss. “If that’s okay sir?” 

“Gee, how kind of you to fit me in Halstead.” Unsure if Voight was being serious or not, Jay struggled to keep his face neutral, determined not to rise to the bait and go off on how he really didn’t want to fit him in at all. ‘He’s Erin’s dad, he’s Erin’s dad, he’s Erin’s dad,’ Jay chanted in his head. Voight may accept him as a permanent fixture in Erin’s life, but that did not mean that the two were going to become best friends and want to spend their free time together—holidays were no exception. 

“Hank,” Erin growled in a warning tone. 

Voight waved her off and deemed their tentative plans fine. “It’ll be nice having you guys come, even if it’s just for a little while. Olive called me yesterday and said that she wouldn’t be able to make it because she’s going to visit her parents down in Florida.” 

“Yeah, but she said she plans to come by for a few days at Christmas,” Erin tried to lighten the blow that her nephew and his grandson was not going to be a fixture for the whole holiday season. 

Jay watched as a glimpse of a smile peaked out on Voight’s face at the mention of an extended period of time with Olive and Danny. There was no denying that at his core, Hank Voight was all about family. He put the concept above all else and there wasn’t anything the man wouldn’t do for those who were esteemed enough to be held in such a regard. 

“I know, I can’t wait,” Voight confessed, sounding so excited that Jay himself was unable to stop the grin that spread across his face. Moments like this were what made Voight tolerable in his mind and, given the fact that they were very far and few between, he soaked them up as much as he could. 

The smile was wiped from Voight’s face and his tone turned back to a serious one as he whipped his head away from facing Erin and focused back on Jay. “I guess if you’re coming over for dinner, then I’ll extend the invitation to that brother of yours.” Holding back an eye roll—not once was an actual ‘invitation’ given to him, more like a demand—Jay stated that he would check in with Will to see if he had any plans. 

//

“I know this probably doesn’t mean much, but I just want you to know that the woman your mother used to be would be so proud of the person you’ve become and the life you’ve made for yourself.”

Hank’s admission had been on a repetitive loop in her head since they parted ways in front of the diner. Nine days had passed since Hank divulged the truth about the woman Bunny used to be and in that time, Erin still didn’t believe that she’d ever be able to converge the two starkly contrasting images. But, that didn’t mean she felt nothing when Hank pulled her to the side, warmly embraced her, and whispered the complimentary words into her ear. 

“How can someone not be proud of you Er?” Jay responded when she relayed to him what Hank had said. As sweet as his response was, she couldn’t help but feel a twinge of annoyance that he just wasn’t able to get what it was about those words that struck something inside of her. Of course, that wasn’t fair to think of him because even she didn’t understand why the words affected her in such a way. 

‘Maybe it was because they were what you wanted Bunny to tell you since you graduated from the Academy and turned your life around,’ the little voice in her head suggested. 

The little growl that erupted from Bella’s mouth distracted her from putting any stock into the thought. Glancing down at her dog, her lips curled upwards at the sight of Bella expertly dodging away from Jay’s hand to protect the brand new tennis ball enclosed in her mouth.

“I don’t think she understands how this game is supposed to be played,” Jay whined, visibly frustrated and amused with the failed game of catch. 

Shivering as a gust of wind swept across the fairly vacant area they were in, Erin pulled Jay up from his crouched position on the ground and stuffed her gloved hands in the back pockets of his jeans. 

“Just let her be, she looks so happy playing with the ball by herself,” she said, watching as Bella trotted a little ways away from them, dropped the ball, and began swatting at it playfully. Jay hummed in submission as he reached up and pulled her beanie further down on her head. 

“You warm enough babe?” He asked, lightly draping his arms around her shoulder and pressing her body against his so that her cheek was pressed against his jacket.

“For now,” she mumbled, completely content at the feeling of being held in his arms. “I don’t know how much longer I am going to last out here though.” She didn’t feel one bit guilty about hinting at her desire to end their little day trip shortly; an hour outside in the freezing cold Chicago weather was an hour more than she normally would have liked. 

“Just say the word and we’ll pack up and go,” Jay promised. “I can think of a few ways we can warm ourselves up once we get home.” Erin didn’t need to have a full view of his face to know that it was split into a boyish grin. 

Shaking her head against his chest, she giggled and said, “I’m sure you can.” 

There was no response from Jay and for a few minutes, the two just simply watched their dog entertain herself. 

“I know I didn’t really say anything earlier, but thank you for being willing to compromise on the whole Thanksgiving thing,” Jay muttered with a small, cold-induced cough. “I know it’s probably not how you planned to spend the day but…”

“Hey, no buts,” she started once she was positive that he was not going to continue the rest of his sentence after trailing off. “I’m actually looking forward to having two places to go. And besides, I’m sorry for just assuming that you were spending the whole day at Hank’s with me. I should have known that you would want to uphold your own Thanksgiving traditions.” 

“If it was anyone but Gail and Danny I would be fine, but I just…I can’t leave them high and dry you know? Not when they’ve been nothing but good to me from the second Allie introduced me to them.” 

“They’re your family Jay, I get it. Seriously, don’t sweat it. I just hope they’ll be okay with me tagging along with you.” She may have briefly met them at the hospital, but Erin knew that the jury was still out on whether or not Jay’s own surrogate parents liked her. 

“Trust me, they’ll be thrilled. Gail keeps texting me asking when we will stop by for dinner.” She could just hear his eyes rolling out of embarrassment, annoyance, and affection for the red-haired woman. 

“Maybe…maybe for Christmas we can do dinner with them and dessert with Hank? Switch it around and keep it even? Unless you don’t spend your Christmas’s with them,” she suggested with careful articulation, not wanting to make sure that she was overstepping in any way. 

Jay inched back from her just enough so that he could look into her eyes but her hands remained cocooned in his back pockets. She couldn’t help but smile at the overtly present joy blossoming across his face. “I’d love that, thank you,” he gushed. “And I know they will too. The holidays are always tough for them and I know they’ll really appreciate the effort to keep them included in our plans.” 

A shadow of guilt and pain crossed over his face, showing her that he was becoming lost to his thoughts about Ben. Erin allowed him his moment, deciding that there was no need for her to request that he fill her in on what he was thinking about, before coming up with a topic that would hopefully take his mind off of the tragedy that had become the young boy. 

“Hank was right you know,” she admitted. “We really need to get our shit together when it comes to planning our wedding.” 

Jay’s feigned aggravation at the mention of their lack of plans and time to get them done quickly faded away into a lighthearted chuckle and nod of his head. “Yeah, I know. If anything, we should at least seriously think about where we want to get married and have the reception since we’ll have to book those ASAP.” 

“I don’t have any ideas on where to have the wedding, but I had a thought about where we can have the reception,” she started, making sure that he was engaged in the conversation before continuing. He was; his eyes were trained on her and he was wearing the stupid but cute little smirk on his face that he always seemed to have whenever the topic of their wedding came up. “Originally, I was thinking maybe we could try and book something at the Langham, you that place—”

“—Where we ditched your high school reunion to get drinks at, yeah I know.”

“Right, well, I was thinking that could be a cool place but there’s no way in hell we can afford and even if we could, I don’t think we’d have enough people to invite to even make booking a space that big even worth it,” she stated.

“So, what were you thinking?” Jay asked, his tone not giving away any indications as to what he thought of her initial idea. 

“Molly’s.” The name of their favorite bar slipped off of her tongue so easily that she felt it was a sign that this was the right place to hold her reception. “It’s a good sized place so everyone can fit and be comfortable and do whatever it is people at weddings do and I am sure we can make it look real nice so that it seems less like a bar we frequent and more like a place fit for a wedding reception. And, and I know Platt and Mouch already did the whole wedding at Molly’s thing, but that’s kind of our place, you know? Plus, I am sure between the two of us we can convince Hermann to give us a deal on having an open bar.” 

Jay remained quiet as he mulled her idea over. Biting her lips in anticipation, Erin peered up at him hopefully, wanting nothing more than for him to say yes to her idea. As excited as she was about getting married, she did want something small and not too extravagant and Molly’s as the location for their reception checked off both of those boxes. Besides, it was so them to have a part of their wedding there and she knew that their friends would love it also. 

“That’s where I was going to propose to you the night you left.” Erin sucked in a gasp, not knowing that tidbit of information. “I waited for you all night, thinking where better to propose to you than in your favorite place in front of all our friends and family.” 

“Jay I,”

“It’s fine, I actually like the way I proposed to you a lot better than what I had planned for that night anyway,” he assured her. “But, I think it’s for that reason that I can’t find anything wrong with choosing Molly’s as the place where we hold our reception.” 

Yanking her hands out of his pockets, she wrapped her arms around his neck and jumped up onto him, hooking her legs around his waist and crossing her ankles together for support. 

“Thank you,” she smiled before pressing her freezing cold lips against his. “I love you.” 

Jay kissed her back fervently and for a few minutes, the two got completely caught up in each other, totally unaware of their surroundings and blissfully ignorant of the fact that their bodies were slowly becoming numb in the cold. 

“I love you too,” he parroted back with a small smile that was the total opposite of his usual, cocky smirk. 

Kissing him once more, wasting no time in slipping her tongue past his lips and initiating a fight against his, Erin allowed herself to get lost in the sensation of his whole being showering her with love. Nine days ago her mother died. Seven days ago the man who tormented her, laid one too many hands on Bunny, and contributed to her death was killed. Those thoughts should be taking up her mind, controlling her to the point that she couldn’t think straight because in a past life, they definitely would have. But, that was all contingent on who she used to be; she wasn’t that person anymore and she had this wonderful, way too good for her man to thank for that change. 

The longer they kissed, the more evident hers and Jay’s arousal became to her. Insides squirming, Erin unlocked her legs and lowered herself to the ground. “I think we should head home and warm up, yeah?” she rasped, watching as Jay’s eyes darken at her words’ insinuation. 

“Yeah, yep, let’s go,” he rushed out. “Bella! Come here girl! Come on!” 

//

No sooner had the door been shoved open, he was kicking it shut. Sparing a second to make sure all of the locks were clicked into place and Bella had been unleashed and was free to roam the apartment at her leisure, Jay spun Erin against the wall, yanked her scarf off of her, and latched onto the now exposed skin of her neck. Suckling hard, he preened at every wanton gasp, moan, and whine for more that escaped from her mouth. Remaining latched onto her, his fingers nimbly unzipped her coat and rid her body of it before trailing down towards her belted jeans. While he pulled out the piece of leather and fiddled around with the button until it popped open, she kicked off her boots and shimmied out of her pants, leaving her pressed against the wall in just her black lace underwear and black V-neck sweater. 

“Jay,” she breathed, turning her neck to the side so that he had better access to her sweet spot. “You’re fingers a-a-are cold.” He smirked against her skin and began to graze his fingertips just above her panty line, moving them at a slow, tantalizing pace. “Stop teasing,” she ordered, her husky tone going straight to his groin. Biting back the sinful sounds his own mouth wanted to make, Jay tried to ignore the feeling of her lower half pressing against his own as he unattached himself from her neck just long enough to pull her sweater up over her head and rid himself of his own coat and sweater. 

“Bed,” Erin demanded, her fingers, which were also freezing, tracing lines down his abs and along his lower waist. 

“Not going to make it that far,” he breathed out, hoisting her up over his shoulder and carrying her the short distance to their couch. 

“Couch works too,” Erin giggled as she began working his own belt and pants off of him. The noises he had been holding back spilled out of him when she grazed her hand over his bulge. 

“N-no teasing,” he stuttered, reaching behind her to unclasp her bra. “Save it for later.”

“Later, huh?” Erin quipped as she latched onto the waist band of his boxers and began to tug them down over his hips. He had just sprung free when incessant knocking sounded all throughout the room.

“Ignore it,” Erin advised, her hand wrapping around his base and beginning to inch upwards. “Just ignore it.” 

Jay tried to heed her order, tried so hard to concentrate solely on the feeling of her hand moving up and down his length, but the persistent knocking was making it extremely hard for him to do so. He could tell by the way that Erin’s hand paused for extended periods of time that she was distracted by whoever was trying to get their attention. Pissed that the knocker was not getting the hint that they wanted to be left alone, he swore angrily as he removed Erin’s hands from his body and began to collect his clothes that had been dropped onto the floor besides them. 

Not even bothering to clothe his upper half, Jay ordered Erin to stay put while he went and took care of the unwanted visitor. 

Swinging the door open, he yelled, “What the fuck do y…” but trailed off when he took in the sight of the person in front of him. 

Dressed in a simple pair of jeans, a hoodie, leather jacket, and a black beanie that covered most of his hair but missed a few longer pieces stood his best friend, his brother, Greg Gerwitz.

“’Sup Halstead?” Mouse greeted with a lopsided grin that had his teeth fully visible and his baby blue eyes shining bright. “You gonna let me in or what?” 

Sucking in a breath, Jay did no such thing. Instead, he reached out and hauled the returned soldier into his arms and held onto him as tightly as he could. “I fucking missed you brother,” he whispered, not at all embarrassed that tears were building up in his eyes. “I was so scared that something happened to you.” Mouse tightened the hug with a few hard, affectionate slaps on the back.

It wasn’t until they pulled away from each other that Mouse offered up a sheepish look and admitted with a shrug, “Er, something kind of did happen.” A black cane was shoved into his view and Jay’s breath rushed out of his body at the sight of it. Mouse must have seen the sheer look of panic that took over Jay’s face because he quickly added, “I’m fine. Well, my leg isn’t, a fucking roadside bomb tore it right off but I’m good, I swear I’m good.”

Jay didn’t think he registered the words correctly but a glance downward at the pant leg Mouse pulled up to show the prosthetic that now stood in for his leg confirmed that he did. 

“Greg,” Jay breathed out, too stunned and scared for his friend to say anything more than his name. He should have been there. He should have protected him better. Mouse never should have been there. The thoughts raced through his head faster than the speed of light and he barely heard Mouse’s summarized blurb about what he was up to the past few months as he struggled to sort through them. 

“Halstead, Jay, I’m good. It happened in the middle of September and I got treatment right away. I was in Germany for a bit and once they stabilized me, I was med flighted to Walter Reed. They thought my leg could be saved, but I got this fluke, post-op infection and the doctors in DC decided it’d be best to just saw it off. From there, I went to see some specialist in Boston to get fitted for a new leg and start PT and I stayed there until I felt strong enough to come home. I refused to come home a mess, refused to be like before.” 

“You should have called me,” Jay whispered. “I, you, damnit Mouse.” He pulled his friend back into a tight embrace and relished in the feeling of proof that his best friend was home, safe and sound. 

Pulling apart for a second time, Jay finally stepped out of the doorway and invited Mouse inside the apartment. Pain bubbled up inside of him as he watched his friend limp through the doorway; he was clearly still getting used to the artificial limb. 

“I uh, I hope I’m not intruding, but would it be cool if I crashed here until I find a place of my own?” Mouse asked, dropping his big army duffle onto the ground right next to where Erin’s clothes laid in a bunched up pile. Jay saw his friend’s eyes widened in shock at the sight of Erin’s clothes and watched as they shifted to take in his naked upper half. “Oh shit man, I am so sorry, I totally interrupted something didn’t I?” he squeaked out at the realization that Jay most definitely had company. 

Jay waved him off and was just about to let him know that it was just Erin and she’d totally understand the interruption when Erin herself padded around the corner, the couch’s decorative throw blanket wrapped around her bra and panty-clad body. 

“Lindsay,” Mouse greeted cheerfully, moving forward to sweep her up in a hug before thinking twice and dropping his arms to his side. No way would Erin be able to hug him and keep the blanket secured around her body. 

“Mouse?” Erin gaped, eyes flitting back and forth between both of them in disbelief. “What are you doing here? Oh my God, welcome home!” She awkwardly maneuvered the soldier into a one-armed hug. “We missed you buddy!” Jay heard her express. 

“Missed you too Linds,” Mouse smiled. “I was thrilled to hear you two got your shit together.” 

Erin pulled away and shared a quick, knowing glance with Jay before holding up her left hand. “We more than got our shit together,” Jay told his friend, who had pulled Erin back in for a congratulatory hug. 

Mouse pulled away and slapped Jay on the back with a resounding, “Congrats man! This is awesome news!” 

Jay grinned. “Glad I have my best man’s approval. Now come on, let’s get you situated inside. The guest room is yours as long as you need it.” 

While Erin lingered behind them to redress herself, Jay felt a huge weight get lifted from his shoulders as lead his best friend, his brother, into the apartment. Mouse was home. And he was safe. And he was okay. 

The events of the past nine days, including today’s morning and afternoon, completely slipped out of Jay’s mind as he lead Mouse into the kitchen and snatched three beers out of the fridge. He had waited too long to crack open a cold one with his friend.


	26. Chapter 26

Tears of laughter streamed down Erin’s face. She had forgotten just how good Mouse was at turning even the most dire situations into comical stories. 

“Sounds like nothing’s changed over there,” Jay observed, raising his bottle in a mock toast to the place he deemed worse than hell. 

“Oh, not at all man,” Mouse said as he followed in suit. “Still a land that’s hotter than hell and filled with crazy bastards who get off on using us as target practice.” 

His comment should have been a sobering reality that it was a miracle he had made it home alive, but did nothing more than prompt more laugher to burst out of the two men; Erin couldn’t help but not laugh harder herself at their reactions. 

The night felt just like old times. Whenever Jay and Erin were hanging out, whether they were doing so as just friends or more, the geeky Army Ranger would always eventually show up with cases of beer in both hands and ample amounts of funny and embarrassing stories that featured both Jay and himself. Nights spent with Jay and Mouse together were some of her best nights because she laughed harder and had more fun with them than she did with any of her other friends. And tonight was no exception. 

After she redressed herself, Erin walked into the living room and found the two best friends already halfway through their first bottles of beer and begging her to grab one for herself and join them. Once she was comfortably curled into Jay’s side on the couch, Mouse went into full story-teller mode and exaggeratedly filled them in on all that had happened to him while he was overseas. As he joked about the guys in his unit, spending extra time telling them all about the stupid stuff the veterans convinced the new rookies to do, and crazy situations they found themselves in, Erin was surprised to see Jay chime in with stories of his own. Jay’s time overseas was something he rarely ever talked about, let alone joked about, and Erin was momentarily stunned when he launched into a short anecdote of his own whenever Mouse mentioned a familiar name or place. 

“I sure won’t miss it,” Mouse added, slowly lowering his beer back down to rest on the top of his thigh as the laughter faded from his lips. 

“You’re home for good, yeah?” Erin confirmed, taking one final swig of her own beer and leaning forward to place the empty bottle on the coffee table Jay’s feet were resting on. “Don’t kick it over,” she warned him, nudging his feet for emphasis. 

Mouse grinned as Jay mock saluted her. “Well, I’m kind of useless to them now with only a leg and a half,” he confirmed. “Which is fine. Selfishly, I’d rather go out losing just my leg than my life, ya know?”

Having felt Jay’s body lightly tense at the mention of Mouse’s injury, Erin looked up at him warily. No matter how much fun the three of them were having, the back of her mind had been on alert from the moment she greeted the return soldier because, although the incident had happened months ago, she still vividly remembered how badly Jay’s PTSD had been triggered by the unexpected run-in with Big Mac at the Italian restaurant in New York. From her tilted glance upwards, she noticed that his eyes lost a sliver of their light and his jaw was clenching and unclenching almost as if he was struggling to chew something that tasted particularly nasty. Placing her hand on his knee, which was slowly beginning to bounce up and down, Erin turned her attention back to Mouse, her face twisted into a look of pleading for him to say something that might put Jay’s mind at ease. 

“Guys,” Mouse started with a barely noticeable head bob, his tone taking a more serious turn. “Seriously, I am good. Yeah, the injury sucks but I feel just as good as I did before I left, maybe even better. I don’t…I have no more guilt or feel like I have to go back. I went, did what I could, gave it all that I had, and I was able to come home with a sense of accomplishment I didn’t have my first two tours. I know that I was damn lucky to have gotten to go back a third time and, I don’t know, I think knowing that third chance never should have happened makes the discharge seem more acceptable this time.” 

Erin knew without a doubt that her friend was good; she had known the second he greeted her with clear words and a bright smile on his face. His appearance and mannerisms were a stark contrast to the skittish, thin, and sullen man with the long, greasy hair he had been when she first met him. Back then, he rarely ever smiled and it was only on the rarest of occasions that he was able to look her in the eyes when he spoke to her, let alone get all of his words out without stuttering over them so much that they were barely distinguishable. 

“That’s great Mouse,” she said warmly when Jay didn’t respond. “Really.” 

“So enough about me,” Mouse said, clapping his hands together and leaning back in his seat. “What have you guys been up to? Besides getting engaged and all, which, congratulations again by the way!” 

“Thanks man,” Jay finally spoke, the tension leaving his body at the turn of conversation. “We’ve uh, we’ve been good…really good.” And then together, she and him launched into a detailed account of what had been going on in their lives since Jay had last been in contact with Mouse, who was an even better listener than he was story-teller. 

“Ah geez Linds, I’m sorry about your mom,” was the first interruption their story faced. 

“Thanks, but I’m fine,” Erin waved Mouse’s condolences off. “More of a relief than anything at this point, you know how she was.” 

“That I did,” Mouse agreed. “Still sorry regardless though.” 

For the first time, hearing those words didn’t ignite a spark of annoyance in her body she realized as Jay launched into telling his friend about the night he came and found out that Erin unexpectedly brought a dog home. 

“Look at you Halstead, you managed to get it all: the girl, the dog, and the dream job,” Mouse smirked, picking up his drink once more and draining the final drops of beer from the bottle. “Seems like you have finally managed to grab the world by the tail.” 

Erin could feel Jay’s eyes on her, but she was too busy trying to decipher not what Mouse had said, but how he had said it. Clearly this was some kind of an inside joke between the two, but she thought she had been privy to them all. Just as she was about to concede and ask the two men what they were talking about, Jay pressed a light kiss to her forehead and said, “Yeah, I guess I did.” 

“Cheers to that brother,” Mouse gushed. “Cheers to that.” 

//

Later that night, after they got Mouse situated in the guest room and Jay bemoaned about how lucky the guy was that the bed actually had a headboard and frame. “Erin here had me sleeping on a damn mattress on the floor when I went to visit her,” he complained. 

“You randomly showed up out of nowhere!” Erin had tried to defend herself but Jay immediately interrupted her.

“So did Mouse!” He gestured to his friend, who was now propped up against the headboard and watching the exchange with an amused smile on his face.

“Whatever Halstead,” Erin rolled her eyes. “Mouse, you all set? Do you need anything else?” They had given him the basic toiletries and instructions to make himself right at home. 

“Nah, I think I’m all set. I can’t thank you guys enough for letting me crash here until I find a place of my own.” 

Draping his arm around Erin’s shoulders, Jay looked at his friend, his brother, and stated once again that the guest room was his for as long as he needed it. “Holler if you need us,” he called out behind him as he steered Erin out of the room and towards their own. 

“Will do,” Mouse shouted back. “Night guys!” 

Shutting the guest room door behind them, Jay disconnected his arm from Erin and quietly told her that he was going to take Bella out quickly before he turned in for the night. Even in the dimly lit hallway there was no hiding Erin’s relief at the news that she wasn’t the one who was going to have to go outside in the freezing cold Chicago night.

“Thank you,” she mumbled, leaning up on her toes to press a kiss of gratitude to his lips. “I’ll see you in bed.” 

Thinking about how it seemed more like days rather than hours that Jay had hungrily ripped her clothes from her body, she made quick work of stripping herself from her jeans and sweater. Unsure of the kind of mood Jay would be in when he returned from his walk—would he be up to finishing what Mouse had interrupted or would he just want to go to bed?—she left her lace underwear on but covered them up with a pair of flannel pajama pants. 

She had just pulled back the covers on the bed when Jay and Bella returned. Dropping to her knees to hug her puppy, Erin looked up at Jay and promised that since he took her out tonight, she’d compromise and take the dog out in the morning before they both left for work.

“I was actually thinking of walking down to the Deli and picking up some breakfast sandwiches for us all so I can take her,” Jay announced as he gathered up both his clothes and hers and tossed them into the basket of dirty laundry that mocked her every time she looked in its direction. She hated doing laundry. 

“Sounds good,” she said, cradling Bella to her chest before standing up to bring the dog to its bed. “I guess that means you get to take a shower first in the morning.” Feeling Jay come up behind her, she leaned into his muscular body and let him hold up the weight of her own for her. 

“I mean, if you want breakfast yeah,” Jay chuckled in her ear. “But, you could join me if you wanted. My mom did teach me how to share, it’d be a shame to let that lesson go to waste.”

“Oh, we wouldn’t want that,” Erin rasped, turning around in his arms and pressing her hands to his chest. Trailing her fingers down to trace a wayward line that ended just above the waistband of his boxers, she grinned when he shivered at her touch. “What do you say you give me a crash course on sharing now?” 

Jay bent his head down and captured her into a searing kiss. Parting her lips with his tongue, he clumsily began to walk her backwards until they both collapsed onto their bed. Wrapping her legs around his waist and pressing him closer to her, Erin giggled when Jay unlatched his lips from hers and trailed them downwards to the crook of her neck, the unshaved stubble on his face scratching lightly against her soft skin . Giggles suddenly turned to gasps as he began to suck on a more sensitive spot. 

“I-I have work in the morning,” she breathed out. “D-don’t leave a mark.” 

“We better stop then,” Jay declared, halting all movements and sitting upright. She let out an embarrassing whine at the loss of contact. Blushing at her neediness, she eyed his arousal and lightly grasped at it with her hand; immediate satisfaction filled her at the sound of the uncontrolled moan that escaped from his mouth.

“I mean we could,” she articulated. “But I don’t think you want that.” Her hand slipped under his boxers and she slowly started to stroke him. Jay let out another moan and, before he had the chance to stop her, she removed her hand from him and flipped them both over so that she was on top. “I know I don’t want that,” she continued, settling herself in between his legs and attaching her hand to his arousal once more. 

“Fuck Er,” he growled. “Don’t tease.” 

“Oh, you don’t like when I do this?” She swiped her hand upwards at a tantalizingly slow pace. “Or this?” Her thumb padded over his tip with a subtle amount of pressure. 

His hips lifted upwards as he let out a low groan. “That’s it, you’re done!” Jay rushed out, sitting up straight and sticking his hands underneath her armpits. He acted so quickly that before Erin even realized what he was doing, he was hauling her body towards him and rotating them so that he was once again on top. “I said no teasing,” he reminded, curling his fingers around her pants and underwear and yanking them down so that they pooled around her ankles. 

“You seemed to have liked it,” she pointed out as she kicked the clothes the rest of the way off. 

“Never said I didn’t,” he smirked, his hands sliding over her thighs and up her body so that one rested underneath the fabric of her sleep shirt just below her chest and the other cupped her chin. “I just said no teasing. Why tease when we can do the real thing?” He grounded up against her center and she let out a gasp at the feel of him pressed against her. 

“You may have a point,” she shakily got out, all too ready for the real thing to start. Jay grinned wickedly when her hands mimicked the actions of his own and pulled the black boxers he was wearing down so that no layers were in between them. 

“Of course I do,” he breathed out. “You ready?” When she silently nodded in confirmation, he lined himself up with her entrance and thrusted himself inside of her with a low moan. 

They got lost so lost in one another, neither of them were sure where they ended and the other started. Limbs tangled together, their lips swallowed any moans of pleasure that threatened to spill out of them and disturb their guest who was just down the hall. Sweatier, messier, and quicker than usual, Jay pounded into Erin with all that he had and she vigorously match each thrust with one of her own.

“Fuck Jay,” Erin whimpered against her fiancé’s lips when she felt herself teetering on the edge. Her arms gripped him tighter and her nails clawed at his bare back. The shirt that she was still wearing was bunched up above her chest so that her breasts rubbed against Jay’s shirtless upper-half. “I’m c-cl-close.” 

“Me too,” he growled, snaking one of his hands down so that his thumb and pointer finger rested just where she liked them. “Come with me.” And then, with a twist of his two fingers, she was pushed completely over the edge with such a force, his mouth was barely able to swallow all of the noises she was making. Watching her clamp her eyes shut and feeling her body spasm around him, Jay followed her off the edge barely a second later. 

Panting, he rolled them onto their sides, keeping his arms wrapped around her and their legs intertwined. While she waited for her heartbeat to return to its normal pace, Jay placed delicate kisses and murmurs of affection along her cloth-covered shoulders. Shutting her eyes, Erin melted into Jay’s embrace and gradually, without her even realizing it, she drifted off into a deep sleep. 

Jay waited until he was absolutely positive that Erin was fast asleep and showing no signs of waking up before he carefully unlocked his legs and arms from around her body. Replacing the space he had been taken up with his two pillows and a couple of the decorative ones that had been haphazardly thrown onto the floor, he repeatedly told himself that this was for the best and then tiptoed out of the room. 

Despite the immense elation and relief that he had been feeling since opening the door and unexpectantly finding Mouse on the other side, undecipherable feelings of unease and fright steadily thrummed against his chest. Much like Erin (if her constant, guarded looks were anything to go by), what happened in New York after running into Big Mac out of the blue was at the forefront of his mind. ‘Except,’ he reminded himself. ‘This isn’t like New York.’ 

It really wasn’t. From the second Big Mac called out his name, Jay felt a shift in his body and he undoubtedly knew that he was going to have some type of adverse reaction. He had felt all of the emotions and memories he fought so hard to repress break free from their cages and storm out of their hiding places and he was completely helpless to stop them. He all but surrendered his mind to his demons and didn’t even bother to put up a fight to reclaim it. 

So far, since Mouse’s arrival there had been no need to even think about drawing up his arms; there hadn’t been much of a need of anything actually.

For some unknown reason, seeing Mouse had ignited the exact opposite reaction in him than seeing Big Mac had. He felt more than capable of listening to Mouse talk about his time in country and for the first, as he laughed along with his friend’s stories, felt compelled enough to share some of his own in the same light manner. Usually, whenever his time overseas was brought up, it was with a reverent type of seriousness and his recollections were anything but lively and funny spins of what actually happened. Tonight though, he felt confident to share in his friend’s joy and match some of his more crazier stories with a few of his own and surprisingly, it felt good to do so. It felt good to turn some of the most sordid moments of his life into entertainment that hunched both Mouse and Erin over with laughter. 

Unluckily for him, that feeling of good didn’t last. 

The second Mouse brought up his injury and joked about being useless to the United States Military, those distinct, uneasy feelings exploded inside of him and, for a fleeting moment, he felt just like he had in New York. Yes, the moment may have been short-lived, but it happened and Jay was determined to not take any chances with Erin in the bed besides him. 

Passing past the guest room door, he yearned to just shove the door open and collapse on the bed. But, he couldn’t because the room was occupied so his tried and true method of droning out his thoughts with mindless documentaries was going to have to do for the night. Thank God the living room couch was comfortable. 

Stopping briefly in the kitchen to get a glass of water to rehydrate himself after yet another mind-blowing bout of sex with Erin, he made his way into the living room and nearly dropped his glass in shock when he saw someone had already taken up position on the couch. 

“M-Mouse?” He coughed, choking slightly on the sip of water he had taken. “What are you doing out here?”

Mouse looked up from the game he was playing on his phone and said in a bored tone, “You’re walls aren’t as thick as I think you think they are. Or at least I hope that’s the case because if not…” He trailed off with a roll of his eyes. 

“Sorry man,” Jay chortled. “We’ll try and be quieter next time.” 

“No you won’t,” Mouse corrected. “But whatever, hopefully I can find some kind of job soon so my stay here won’t last too long.” 

Sitting down in the same chair Mouse had been sitting in earlier, Jay pensively looked at his friend who was stretched across the length of the couch. “You know,” he thought out loud. “Ruzek and Atwater are still technologically inept.” 

Mouse perked up at the implied suggestion. “You think I can get my old job back? I thought maybe I burned too many bridges with Voight when I left.” 

“Not at all man,” Jay assured. “I’m almost positive you can get your job back in a heartbeat. Besides, it’s Platt who has to sign off on the paperwork that assigns you to Intelligence and she’s always liked you. I don’t know why but it puts the odds in your favor. Something to think about at least.” 

“Yeah…yeah man that would actually be great!” Mouse exclaimed. “I know it may not have seemed like it in the end, but you know how much I loved working with you guys, how good it was for me to have that kind of structure and put my skills to good use.”

“I know man, and so does everyone else,” Jay stated. “Look, why don’t you come into work with me tomorrow and we can talk to Voight about it.” 

“Okay, sure, sounds good,” Mouse agreed with a grin. “Regardless of what Voight says, it’ll be good to see everyone again and meet your new partner.” 

“Alright, it’s settled then, you’ll ride in with Hailey and me in the morning,” Jay confirmed, taking another sip of his water and embracing the distraction from his thoughts this conversation was providing him with. Seeing the look of confusion on Mouse’s face as to why Hailey was picking them up, he added, “Erin has work tomorrow, so she she’ll take the truck there and then swing by the station to get us when we’re done. Depending on how the case is going, she can always come and get you earlier if you don’t want to stick around.” 

“Gotcha,” Mouse mused and then, with a sideways tilt of his head, he asked, “Speaking of Erin, why aren’t you with her? What brings you out here? I know you two didn’t get into a fight.” 

Jay felt a frown begin to take shape on his face. ‘So much for viewing this conversation with Mouse as a distraction,’ he thought before launching into a stumbled over explanation on what he was doing in the living room and not his bedroom. 

“I just, I can’t take any chances man, not with Erin,” he concluded after giving a brief rundown of what happened in New York and the familiar feelings that had been stirred up inside of him earlier. “You know how it is.”

Mouse nodded deliberately, contemplating what his next words were going to be. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stir up any unwanted feelings,” he began, his tone drenched with guilt. 

“No, no don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. I’m pumped that you’re here,” Jay rushed out. “I just, I wish I had a better grasp on it all. I hate that this is what my life has come to: sneaking out of my room to protect my fiancé from whatever nightmares I may have. I hate that I can go from having total control over myself to having no control whatsoever.” 

If it was anyone else, Jay would have been completely and utterly embarrassed over what he just confessed, but this was Mouse, his best friend, his brother, and quite possibly one of the only people in the world he knew that could directly relate to what he was saying. 

“Civilian life is a bitch man,” Mouse stated. “Are you seeing someone?” 

“Yeah, I’ve been going to a therapist and group meetings and all that and they’ve been a huge help but then, I don’t know, I get like this and I wonder…I just wish I could box everything up again and not have to deal with it like I did before Abby showed up.” 

“I still can’t believe she did that,” Mouse conversed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to tell her to get lost for you.” 

“Seeing as I am now engaged to Erin, I’m now glad that she did come. How bad would it have been if I went to marry Erin and our marriage license got denied because I was still married?” 

“Sounds like a scene straight from that movie Sweet Home Alabama.” Jay raised his eyebrows suspiciously at the joke. He knew that movie—Allie made him watch it with her one night—but he was surprised that Mouse, a man who had no sisters, female cousins, or recent girlfriends that he knew of, had heard of it. 

“Dude, I lost my leg,” Mouse defended himself. “I had a lot of free time on my hand and daytime TV sucks.” 

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say,” Jay chuckled, grateful that the conversation had taken a slight deviation away from his unpredictable PTSD flareups. He knew what Mouse was doing, it was what he used to always do before: strike up useless conversations to take his mind off of his real problems and give his brain a chance to calm itself down.

“I’m serious!” Mouse quietly shouted, clearly aware that Erin was sleeping just down the hallway. “If you had the choice between watching some ridiculous soap or Sweet Home Alabama, you’d take the movie every single time and don’t you dare deny that. Besides,” he smirked. “Reese Witherspoon is hot.” 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Jay said, glancing over his shoulder and down the hall that led to his and Erin’s bedroom. If he had the choice between Reese and Erin, he’d take Erin every time in a heartbeat. 

“Just go back to bed Jay,” Mouse quietly suggested when he caught sight of the direction his friend was looking in. “I can tell you want to.”

“It’s not that easy brother,” Jay sighed dejectedly. “You didn’t see me in New York, the only thing that made it slightly less awful than what happened in Vegas was that I didn’t subconsciously attack a person, just a bunch of inanimate objects.”

“Maybe so, but this isn’t New York or Vegas Jay, it’s Chicago. And something tells me you’re just working yourself up for no reason and the only real thing preventing you from sleeping besides your girl is your anxiety.” 

Jay opened his mouth to respond, but a female’s voice beat him to it. 

“Are you guys having an afterparty without me?” Erin asked groggily. Craning his head to face back down the hallway, was surprised to see his girl making her way towards them. “That’s not very nice if you are.” 

“Er, babe, what are you doing up?” Jay questioned, patting his lap for her to sit down on. 

Heeding his direction, she plopped down on top of him and curled herself up against his chest while mumbling, “I woke up and you were gone.”

“Genius here thought he’d be more comfortable on the couch than in bed. And while I have admit, this couch is definitely one of the more comfortable ones I have been on, I’ve been trying to convince him to go back to bed,” Mouse piped up.

“No, I came out here to watch one of the documentaries I recorded the other day, not to sleep on the couch,” Jay defended, as if his argument was much better than Mouse’s spin on the truth. 

“Documentaries?” Jay knew from the look on her face that the word was a masked the real question she wanted to ask: is your PTSD acting up? 

He simply gave her a knowing look in response. 

“Well uh, I’m going to head back to bed,” Mouse excused himself, somewhat awkwardly. “I’ll see you guys in the morning. And hey, if you start going at it again, please be mindful that I am just down the hall and trying to sleep.” 

Erin choked on her own spit and Jay’s whole body heated up at his friend’s parting words. 

“He heard us?” she squeaked out once she heard the door to the guest room shut faintly. 

“Apparently we have thin walls,” Jay said. “Guess we weren’t as quiet as we thought. I’m not sorry though.” 

“Oh God, speak for yourself,” Erin shuddered. “I am mortified!” 

“Don’t worry babe,” Jay kissed the crown of her head. “Mouse won’t turn you into locker-room gossip.” 

Erin mumbled, “He better not,” as she began to twirl her fingers around the hair on the nape of his neck. “Documentaries?” She asked, her displeasure replaced concern for him. “Babe, what’s going on? Are you okay?” 

Jay closed his eyes and allowed the slow motions of her fingers to soothe him before answering truthfully, “I’m fine, I know I’m fine. But, there was a moment earlier when I didn’t…where I didn’t think I was and I just want to be safe. I can’t…I won’t put you in harm’s way, especially when that harm could come from my hands.” He felt like a broken record machine saying the words; this wasn’t the first time they had this conversation and, with a sinking feeling, he knew it wouldn’t be the last time. 

“Oh babe,” Erin sighed. “Don’t you think that maybe you’re erring to far on the side of caution? If you know you’re fine—”

“—Er, please don’t,” Jay pleaded. “Nothing you say will convince me to come back to bed tonight. Yes, I may feel fine now but what about when I go to sleep? If I didn’t feel like I did earlier, then we wouldn’t even be having this conversation but I did and I’m sorry but I can’t take any chances at all. Not with you.” Another repetition that he wished didn’t need to be addressed, but was said anyway. 

“Okay,” Erin conceded softly, her body further relaxing against his own. “So what documentary are we watching?” 

“We?” he questioned, his eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “Babe, no, go back to bed. You need to sleep, you have work tomorrow.” 

“So do you,” she immediately replied. “And yet you’re still out here. So, what documentary are we watching?” 

His girl was stubborn but he loved her more for it. Finding a small amount of solace in knowing that he wasn’t going to be spending the night alone, Jay shifted their bodies and reclined the chair backwards so that they’d be comfortable; he was just too tired to think of moving them to the couch. 

“They Shall Not Grow Old,” he informed her once he stopped wiggling them around in the small space of the chair. “It’s uh, it’s a World War I documentary that one of the guys from my group meeting recommended.” 

If Erin thought it was unwise that he watch a documentary on a war as a means of getting his PTSD under control, she didn’t say anything and for that he was much appreciative. 

“Sounds interesting,” was all she said before resting her head against his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist. 

“Yeah, let’s hope so,” Jay whispered, scrolling through the movies, shows, and documentaries saved on their TV until he found what he was looking for. He was two clicks away from reaching his intended viewing when Erin lifted her head from his chest and excitedly requested, 

“Wait, wait, go back!” She didn’t even give him a chance to oblige as she ripped the TV remote from his hands. “Can we watch this one instead? It’s about whales and I’ve been dying to see it! Pretty please?” 

Jay looked down and saw that she was peering up at him, her bottom lip jutted out. Not wanting to deny her when she was sacrificing the warmth and comfort of their bed to stay up with him while he did what he could to drown out the running thoughts in his mind, Jay smiled and gestured for her to press play. It probably made more sense for him to watch something about the treatment of the whales in SeaWorld than something on a war anyway. 

“Sure Er,” he smiled amusedly. “Whatever you want.” 

Squealing happily, she started the documentary and settled back against his body. As the opening sequence to Blackfish started, Jay tightened his hold on her shoulders and thought about just how much better it was to have her company than it was to sit out here watching documentaries by himself. 

//

“Stop it,” Erin mumbled, further clamping her eyes shut. “Go away.” Unluckily for her, the incessant shaking that was rousing her from her sleep did not go away, but instead intensified even more. 

“Babe, you gotta get up, we have to get ready for work.” Jay’s voice sounded garbled and did very little to pull her from the in between state of being fully asleep and fully awake. “Come on Erin, remember how you promised to take a shower with me this morning?” She felt his fingers teasingly grip her sides; she groaned in annoyance at the feeling. 

“I take it back,” she grumbled. “Let me sleep.” 

“I’m sorry babe, I wish I could,” Jay chuckled. “Tell you what though, I will go shower by myself and let you get a few more minutes of sleep but you have to get up when I get out. Deal?”

“Yes, now go away.” She swatted at him and pulled the throw blanket Jay had placed over them sometime last night when they were halfway through the documentary up over her head. 

Sleeping in a shared recliner chair last night had not been the best of ideas and she may have regretted it more than she thought she would this morning. Already she could feel a pulsating ache in her neck and an intense headache from a lack of deep sleep. After they finished Blackfish, which was surprisingly more moving than boring, Jay convinced her to close his eyes while he turned on the late night reruns of his favorite comedy show That 70’s Show. Not really caring for the show herself, she tried to get in a few decent hours of sleep, something she totally would have accomplished if it weren’t for feeling Jay’s chest rumble with laughter every few minutes. 

“Man, you really are not a morning person,” a second voice chimed out after Jay left her side to go take his shower. 

“Go away,” she demanded for a second time, not even caring that the words came out more forceful than they probably should have. Why couldn’t anyone understand that she was exhausted and just wanted to catch a few more moments of sleep before she had to face a day filled with energetic kids and mothers with heartbreaking and complex situations? 

“Now Lindsay,” Mouse mocked. “That’s not very nice, I only just got here last night.” 

“And if you don’t shut up and let me sleep for a few more minutes I can assure you, you won’t live to see tonight,” she growled, hoping she sounded more menacing than she felt. 

“Okay, point taken,” Mouse drawled out in response. Erin relaxed against the cushioned back of the chair as she heard him take off in the direction of the kitchen. Her relaxation only lasted a few seconds though because, after picking up on the distant sounds of Mouse fumbling around the kitchen, she was completely pulled from her sleep when the coffee machine spat and gurgled to life. 

With a huff, she flung the blanket from her body, counted to ten to regain a semblance of her lost composure, and then stomped down the hallway towards her and Jay’s bedroom. She made sure to use both of her hands to flip Mouse off on her way as she went. 

“I hate Mondays,” she forcefully stated, barging into the steam-filled bathroom. “You better not be using up all of the hot water!” 

“Don’t worry babe, I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jay consoled. “I thought you wanted to get some more sleep?”

“Yeah, so did I,” she lamented. “But your stupid friend decided he just had to make coffee while I was trying to do so.” Stepping out of her pajama pants and pulling her shirt up over her head, she opened the shower door and stepped in. 

At the sight of her, Jay pulled her in for a hug, stood them under the stream of hot water, and began lightly massaging some of the tension out of her back and shoulders. 

“This feels really good,” she sighed in contentment, her eyes shutting once more and her mind focusing on nothing but the sensational feel of Jay’s hands rubbing out the knots caused by the recliner chair and the scalding hot water that sprayed down over them. “Don’t stop.” 

Heeding her request, Jay only paused to lather body wash over her and rotated between washing her up and massaging all of the kinks from her body. 

“I’m sorry I kept you up last night,” he whispered, squirting shampoo into her hair. “It meant the world to me that you sat out with me though. I don’t think—actually I know—that was the first time I didn’t spend a night watching documentaries by myself. So, thank you.” 

Erin’s heart swelled at his words. Reaching up to wrap her hands around his wrists, she looked up from where her head was resting against the right side of his chest and smiled gently. “Of course Jay, I’ll stay up with you every night if that’ll help you feel better. You say the word and I’ll be there.” 

He leaned down, pecked his lips against hers, and thanked her again. Resuming his previous ministrations, no other words were spoken between the couple for the remaining duration of their shower. By the time they were both scrubbed clean, Erin was feeling loads better than she did all morning. Sure, she was still exhausted and more than content to sleep the day away, but at least her head was no longer pounding and the aches in her body all but disappeared. 

“Sorry that wasn’t the shower you were probably anticipating,” Erin sheepishly supplied after Jay turned the nob to shut the water off. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Jay brushed her guilt aside. “Seriously.” 

“Definitely another time though,” she promised. “Maybe when we haven’t just spent the night squished together in a recliner chair.” 

“Yeah, we definitely should have had more common sense and moved to the couch,” he thought aloud, holding the shower door open for her. 

She grinned sardonically. “You think?” 

“I will keep that in mind for the next time,” Jay vowed, tossing her towel in her direction and then grabbing onto his own and tying it around his waist. Her eyes narrowed a little at his covering himself up…if only she wasn’t so tired and they didn’t have to get ready for work…

Apparently she was staring at him a little too obviously because the next thing she knew, Jay was snapping his fingers in front of her face and saying, “I know I’m good-looking and all, but unless you have plans on revisiting our shower plans right now, then you might want to turn your attention to doing your hair or makeup or whatever.”

Rolling her eyes at his cheeky comment, Erin quirked an eyebrow and snapped back, “Oh, so you’re telling me that I don’t look good just the way I am?” 

She reveled in the way Jay floundered around trying to figure out how the situation had turned against his favor so quickly. 

“Babe, even looking like a drowned rat, you’re gorgeous,” he joked with a hearty laugh that warmed Erin all over her body. She was thrilled that he seemed to have gone back to his normal, joking around, flirtatious self. A majority of the reason she had slept so badly the night before was because she was so nervous that his PTSD was going to get the best of him and put them into a situation neither of them wanted to be in and that he wouldn’t be able to quickly bounce back from. 

“Shut up,” Erin laughed, stepping forward and taking inventory of all of her beauty products that lined her side of the sink. She was overwhelmed by the sight of all of them and all of the work that she needed to do to herself to get ready for the day.

“Alright,” Jay yawned a good thirty minutes later, sliding a pair of socks onto his feet. “I’m going to go grab Bella and head over to the Deli and get breakfast. Do you want your usual?” 

“Um,” Erin thought. “Yeah, except can I get it on an Asiago bagel instead of a plain one? And can you add avocado to it? The other day Kim was talking about this avocado wrap she’s apparently obsessed with and I have been craving avocado ever since.” 

Confirming that he got her order down, Jay rushed out of the room to collect the dog and find out what Mouse wanted to eat. Stomach growling at the thought of breakfast, Erin dug around for a sweater to throw on over her black tank top and a necklace to go with it. She didn’t put a whole lot of stock into wearing jewelry, but Violet, the little, six-year-old girlie-girl, loved it whenever she added accessories to her outfit. 

“Be back in a bit!” she heard Jay call out just as she clasped the gold block letter monogram necklace Annie and Travis had sent her for her birthday last year around her neck. Pulling her hair into a low, loose ponytail, she exited their room with the intent of forcing Mouse to make her a cup of coffee after disrupting her attempts to get a few more minutes of sleep this morning.

She had barely turned the corner into the kitchen when she was greeted with a hurriedly spoken, “If you’re here to kill me, just remember that I am Jay’s best friend and he will be more than devastated if I’m dead. And-and I am the best man in your wedding and a wedding can’t happen without a best man.” 

“I’m pretty sure I would be able to find Jay another best man,” she teased, collecting her coffee mug off of the counter and handing it to her friend. Without any words needing to be exchanged, Mouse got the message and promptly began to get her morning drink ready. 

“Well, consider this morning payback for last night then,” he bartered over the sound of the machine grinding together the coffee beans. “Overhearing you two have sex is something I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing.”

“Oh shut up, last night was nothing,” Erin smirked. “Imagine what you would have heard if we weren’t trying to restrain ourselves.”

“Yeah, okay, that’s enough,” Mouse covered both of his ears with his hands and turned his body so that he was no longer facing her. “Jay’s my brother and you’re basically my sister and I don’t want to think of you guys in that way. It’s gross!”

Laughing, Erin got up from the table and poked her friend in the stomach. “That’s what you get for being an ass and not letting me sleep in this morning. Those extra five minutes would have made all the difference in my morning.” 

Mouse suddenly turned quiet and became fixated on the loose thread on the full-zipped jacket he was wearing over one of his typical patterned button down shirts. “You guys didn’t get much sleep last night, did you?” He asked almost inaudibly. 

“Uh, no,” Erin confirmed, all tones of lightness and teasing gone from her voice. “We watched a documentary and then I struggled to fall asleep while Jay watched That 70’s Show. I don’t think he really slept at all, maybe two, three hours max.” 

“He seemed good this morning,” Mouse observed. “Real good actually.”

Erin nodded in agreement, glad that she wasn’t the only one who witnessed a positive change in Jay’s mood. “Yeah, I think he’s fine now. He just…” she trailed off, wondering how much she should share with her fiancé’s best friend. Mouse’s baby blue eyes bore into her and basically scooped the words out themselves. “He just gets so freaked out and worked up and I get it, I really do. But, it’s just hard sometimes. I feel like he’s punishing himself for something he hasn’t even done yet, something he probably never will.” 

Mouse’s gaze turned thoughtful. “The whole Vegas incident really fucked with his head,” he shared. “I don’t think he will ever get over that, let alone forgive himself for it. You help though, you help him way more than I think either of you even know. This is the quickest bounce back I have ever seen Jay have from a night like last night.” 

“I just wish there was more that I could do for him, you know?” 

“Yeah, yeah I do but it just is what it is. The shit we saw Linds, that’s never going to leave us. But I promise you, you’re doing all of the right things and between having you and his therapist and the unit and those group meetings he goes to, he’s in damn better shape than the most of us, my-myself included.” Erin absorbed what had to be one of the longest monologues she had ever heard Mouse say.

Setting her coffee down on the counter, she stepped forehead and pulled the returned soldier into a tight embrace. “I’m here for you too buddy, seriously. Like you said, you’re basically my brother and if there’s anything you need, anything at all, I got you.”

“I know and I appreciate that Linds, really,” Mouse said, wrapping his arms tightly around her. “You’re the best and if anyone were to get stuck dealing with mine and Jay’s shit, I’m glad it’s you.” 

Stepping out of his embrace, she shot him a grin and decided to lighten up the conversation up with, “Thanks buddy, but we both know you’re just saying that so I don’t kick you out on your ass or, better yet, follow through on the many, many ways I thought about how to kill you this morning.” 

Laughing loudly, Mouse accepted the return to the banter and, holding his hands up in mock surrender, replied, “You got me!” 

The two friends tossed jabs at each other for a bit longer before the jokes died down and they began chatting about the unit. 

“Do you miss it at all?” Mouse inquired, pouring himself another cup of coffee. “I mean, being a detective was your whole life.”

“Yeah, until it wasn’t,” Erin said, launching into a brief and heavily saturated version of what went down with the FBI in New York.

“Whew,” Mouse blew out. “I don’t blame you for wanting to get out. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” 

Erin shrugged. “It is what it is. I got out and I love the work I am doing now but, to answer your question, I guess yeah, I miss being a part of the unit. I miss working with Jay and being his partner and having him as mine. I miss knowing that I am helping to do my part and clean up the streets and hopefully making life a little bit easier for the people of Chicago.” 

Truthfully, now that she was back in Chicago for good, she missed that part of being a member of the Chicago Police Department more than she cared to admit. Back on the job, she was in a position to prevent the situations that she now dealt with every day. As much as she loved what she was doing now and as content as she was with the way her detective career ended, she couldn’t help but feel slightly unsatisfied every time a new mother and her children showed up at the shelter. 

“I know Jay misses having you as his partner,” Mouse stated, not even bothering to make a comment about how she should go back to being a detective if she missed it so much. He knew as well as she did that returning to her old job was just not an option.

“Yeah, but Hailey is good,” she reassured. “They work well together.” She watched as Mouse became oddly interested in the rim of his coffee mug. 

“She uh, she’s got his back right? Th-through everythin-ng?” It was the first time since he showed up last night that the stammer he had had when she first met him made an appearance. “I just, wi-with everything that’s going on and not kno-knowing her, I-I just need to know that she’s got him covered. And you know Jay, he’d never say anything bad about anyone he works with if he doesn’t have to, bu-but you’ll shoot me straight, yeah?” 

Erin understood his concern—if she hadn’t met Hailey and worked with her briefly, she’d be asking the same questions—and so, with a soft smile, she placed her hand over Mouse’s and restated, “Hailey is good. She’s got his back.” Never mind that Hailey clearly didn’t trust her or like her all that much, the truth of the matter was that she was a good partner for Jay and they got along fairly well. She definitely had her doubts about the blonde detective, but none of them extended over into Hailey’s ability to do her job. 

Mouse granted her a small smile in return and squeezed her hand with his own. “He hasn’t said much about her and he’s really all I have left, ya know? He’s my family.”

Nodding because his truth was just another thing she understood all too well, Erin promised, “You got me too Mouse, don’t forget that. Me and the whole rest of the unit. They’re going to be so excited to see you later.” 

“Hopefully excited enough to give me my old job back and maybe even increase my salary a little bit,” Mouse playfully responded. “Not for nothing, but after hearing you two go at it last night, finding a place of my own seems to have jumped up a couple of spots on my to-do list.” 

Flushing with embarrassment, Erin removed her hand from Mouse’s and socked him on the upper part of his arm. “Shut up!” She demanded, trying her hardest to keep her amusement out of her voice. Unfortunately, her efforts were futile because seconds later she succumbed to a fit of laughter that prompted Mouse to do the same. 

And that was how Jay found them when he returned back to the apartment with Bella and their breakfast in hand: hunched over laughing like they didn’t have a care in the world. The sight was enough to bring a huge grin to his own face and produce a few chuckles of his own.


	27. Chapter 27

"So, this is where you work."

Keeping her hands in the bowl of cookie dough in front of her, Erin whipped around and saw her maid of honor standing in the doorway of the shelter's kitchen.

"Kim, hey!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't picking me up for another hour."

Shrugging, Kim walked into the kitchen while explaining, "Hailey and Adam were in interrogation and there wasn't really anything else going on so Voight said I could go since I was leaving early anyway."

Earlier in the week while everyone was out at Molly's celebrating Mouse's return and his easily reacquired position within the Unit, Kim had eagerly suggested (more like demanded) that they all get together for a "Friendsgiving."

"Come on guys," she pleaded after everyone appeared skeptical of the idea. "It'll be fun! Besides, whenever we hang out, we always just come to Molly's. Wouldn't it be nice to do something different for a change? I'll even have it at my place and take care of all of the food."

No one really wanted to dampen Kim's excitement, so with the reassurances that they wouldn't have to really bring anything except themselves and their choice of alcohol, everyone opened up to the idea just enough to go along with it.

"Oh my gosh, yay!" Kim had exclaimed. "We can have it the Saturday after Thanksgiving so that way you all have time to recover from the actual Thanksgiving and we don't have to worry about going into work the next day."

Of course, shortly after all of the baseline details were set in place, Kim had pulled Erin aside in a panicked tizzy over the fact that she was essentially going to be responsible for the whole evening. "You have to come over and help me set up Erin," she begged, her tone full of desperation. "Even if I take the afternoon off of work, I don't think I can get everything ready by myself." Surprisingly more receptive to the idea of a 'Friendsgiving' than she ever thought she would be, Erin quickly relieved her best friend of her worry and promised that, as long as Kim picked her up from work, she'd help her set up for the event.

Accepting the answer her friend had given her as to why she had shown up earlier than expected, Erin finally removed her hands from the mixing bowl and gestured to the blonde haired seventeen-year-old girl that was standing quietly besides her and taking in their conversation with a curious fascination. "Kim, this is Nicole," she introduced. "Nic, this is Kim. She's my best friend and we used to work together before I came here."

Watching as Nicole tentatively reached out to shake Kim's hand, offering the officer a faint smile as she did so, Erin added, "It was her idea for us to make cookies for tonight and I promise, I am really only here supervising and scooping the dough onto the trays."

"She planned to show up empty-handed," Nicole said, her soft-sounding voice barely audible. "And I love to bake."

Catching Erin's eye, Kim nonverbally implored if there was a reason for Nicole's tentativeness around her. With the slightest tilt of her head, she gave a look back that told Kim she would fill her in later and to just go along with whatever Nicole said or did.

"Can't wait to try them!" Kim said warmly. "You know, I actually have a sister named Nicole and she loves to bake too. Except, she sucks at it. Like, really, really sucks. She almost cooks as bad as Erin actually."

"I don't even think that is possible," Nicole laughed, the volume of her voice going up a notch. "She didn't even know how to soften the butter."

Spluttering out a feeble defense that made no real sense to any of them, Erin scooped the last of the cookie dough onto the tray and went to stick it into the oven. "The package says they'll be ready in about twenty minutes or so. I can go see if I can get Mary or one of the other workers to come and watch them if you want me to give you a tour of the place? I just can't leave the oven unattended."

Waving her offer off, Kim jumped up into a comfortable, seated position on the counter. "I'm fine with hanging out in here until they're done. We can talk about the wedding! Jay was saying today that you two finally picked a location for both the ceremony and reception!"

Glancing over and seeing that Nicole seemed to have lit up at the mention of her upcoming nuptials, Erin smiled and began giving a detailed account on the decision making process.

"Hank kind of made me realize this weekend that we don't have as much time as I think I thought we did. So last Sunday, after we spread Bunny's ashes and stuff, I asked Jay what he thought about having the reception at Molly's." She paused and watched her friend's face light up at the suggestion. Erin could practically see the wheels turning in her friend's head as she began to visualize all of the potential ways their favorite bar could be turned into a wedding reception area. "And then, when we were all talking about the wedding on Thursday, we decided to see if we can get married at Jay's family's church in Canaryville."

Since she hadn't seen Hank since they went their separate ways after breakfast at the Diner, Erin had been more than excited to let him know about the new development of having their reception at Molly's. Waiting to bring up the topic of hers and Jay's wedding until they were all seated at the table and their food had been more than tucked into, she was overjoyed when Hank seemed to have approved of their idea.

"Not a bad idea," Voight contemplated after she informed them of their decision to make Molly's their reception location. "You sure you don't want it somewhere else?"

"Anywhere else will probably be too big Hank," Erin responded. "Like we told you, we're not having that big of a wedding."

Not having anything else to say on their chosen reception space, Hank proceeded to ask them if they made any final decisions on where they want the actual wedding ceremony to take place. Mouse, who had been invited after Hank caught wind of the fact that he was staying with Erin and Jay, answered the question before she or Jay could even open their mouths.

"It's going to be a church wedding," he confidently stated. "When we were overseas Jay always talked about the kind of wedding he wanted to have and it was always set in a church."

Erin tried not to let her shock at the anecdote be known. She all to easily recalled the night Jay opened up to her about those exact conversations Mouse was referring to, but he had never mentioned that a church wedding was included in the visions he conjured up of his wedding day. Had she known that little tidbit of information earlier, maybe she would have been able to sit down and tell Hank they had made decisions on where both locations would be and not just one.

"A church wedding?" Voight blanched. "Is that what you want Erin?"

Truthfully, she wasn't sure. A church wedding didn't really seem like her, but, at the same time, it also sounded quite nice. Sliding her eyes over to Jay to see what he was thinking, she was surprised and saddened to see him staring at her, eyes wide with guilt and an barely detectable hint of embarrassment. She knew then and there that the full details of the conversations he shared with Mouse in Afghanistan had been kept under wraps because he wanted this to be her wedding, not his. He, like always, was willing to sacrifice his own wishes and desires to ensure that she was happy and had everything she wanted.

'Well,' she thought to herself. 'Two could play that game.'

"I think a church wedding would be nice," she agreed without an ounce of hesitation. "Besides, weren't you just saying the other day that Jay had to help plan the thing to?"

"I don't need a church wedding, I'd be fine with city hall," her fiancé tried to interject, clearly not wanting this to become all about him and what he wanted. "Whatever Erin wants, I'm fine with."

"You two are not getting married at city hall like a pair of ill-advised, lovesick teenagers," Voight sharply requested. "Even if that's how you both act most of the time. What church were you thinking Halstead?

"Oh, uh," he rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. "Well, St. Mary's in Canaryville was my family's church growing up."

"Having it there sounds great Jay," Erin beamed before turning to Voight and saying, "There, now we have a location for both the ceremony and the reception! Told you we would figure this out in time."

"You have to book the places Erin," Voight deadpanned. "But it sounds like it's coming together nicely."

Kim clapped her hands excitedly when Erin finished giving the backstory of how the two locations had been decided upon. "Yay, gosh that's awesome. Have you made any calls to book either place?"

"I have Monday off so I was going to go to 51 and try and talk to Mouch and Hermann to see if they'll let us use Molly's and then Jay was going to meet me on his lunch break so we can go speak to the pastor of his church."

"Well, let me know how it goes! Once they're both booked we can really start to plan and get everything like the flowers and decorations and music and catering figured out."

Erin tried her hardest to not feel overwhelmed as Kim continued to prattle on about all of the things they still needed to plan. Call her naïve, but she was really convinced that once a dress and venue (in their case venues) had been secured, there wouldn't be much else to do. But, Kim and Nicole, who started chiming in with little suggestions of her own, were quickly proving her initial thoughts wrong.

"Okay, okay, okay!" Erin shouted, having heard enough. "I get it, we have a lot to still figure out. But enough about that for now, Kim, how was your Thanksgiving. Did you have a nice time with your sister and niece?"

Though she looked put off at the change in subject, Kim took the new conversation topic in stride and gave Erin and Nicole the complete rundown of how her holiday went.

A little over an hour later, Erin's shift for the day ended and she and Kim were on their way back to Kim's apartment.

"So Nicole seems nice," Kim started, clearly interested in seeking out information on the young girl who hung out with them the whole time Kim had been visiting. "Quiet, but nice."

"Yeah, she's a pretty quiet kid," Erin informed. "Her and her mom came early Wednesday morning, around two in the morning I think is what Mary said. I guess her dad has some kind of mental health problems and went off his meds and just lost it on Nicole's mom and this hasn't been the first time it's happened."

"Oh wow, that's awful," Kim sighed.

"Yeah," she agreed with a solemn nod. "Nicole was the one who managed to get her dad off of her mom and convinced her mother to take them to the shelter. She's a strong kid, I like her. But, I learned she's very wary of outsiders, which was why she was so…so apprehensive around you earlier."

Shaking her head in understanding, Kim pointed out, "She seems to like you."

"Yeah, but I think that's more out of desperation than anything else," she snorted. "Other than me there's no one else there that is even relatively close to her age. Baking cookies today was the first time she got to do something that wasn't helping me entertain the younger kids or helping the other workers and mothers with whatever they need done around the place. She knows that if she sticks with me, she'll be pretty much left alone and have a bit more freedom than she would if she didn't."

Kim reached over the console and gripped Erin's hand into her own. "Don't downplay all of the good work you are doing Erin. In just the hour I was there I saw how much adoration that girl has for you. What you're doing is amazing and if you can't be a detective, then this is the next best thing for you and it's definitely the best thing for those kids and their mothers."

Flushing at the praise, Erin gave Kim a look of what she hoped conveyed her gratitude for the kind words and not the tick of anger she felt at the mention of her former career. Jay's desire for a church wedding had not been the only thing that was revealed to her on Thanksgiving and she was still reeling at the news her badge was now being used as a political bartering chip.

Subtly shaking her head, not wanting to even think about that conversation she had walked in on Jay and Hank having, Erin asked Kim for a definitive list of what needs to be taken care of before the rest of the unit shows up later this evening.

"Uh, well I prepared most of the food last night so all that really needs to be done in that regard is to just eat it," Kim laughed. "I don't know if Jay told you, but I convinced Adam to bring over his famous fettucine alfredo and Hailey said she'd pick up some loukoumades and this other Greek dessert whose name I cannot remember, let alone be able to pronounce on the off chance that I did."

"He mentioned that, yeah," Erin said. "So alright, food is taken care of. What else needs to be done?"

"Just a bunch of smaller stuff like setting the table," Kim informed. "I think I overestimated how much work needed to be done, I'm sorry."

Erin merely waved her apology off. "Don't be sorry! So what if there isn't a whole lot to do, that just means we'll have more time to hang out before everyone else arrives."

Beaming at her friend's response, Kim asked Erin how her Thanksgiving was. "You went to Hank's and the, the Carter's?"

"Corson's," Erin corrected. "And it was actually one of the better Thanksgivings I have had. Jay, Mouse, and I went to Hank's for a late lunch and Will even stopped by for a little bit, which was good. Though, I think Hank was a little overwhelmed having Jay, Will, and Mouse in his house."

Ever since Camille passed away, the Voight's house had turned silent. Without Camille, Hank saw no desire to host any of the usual dinners and small parties Erin had grown accustomed to them having when she had been living with them. She will never forget how captivated her fifteen-year-old self had been by those parties, partly because they were a far cry from the kind of house parties she had been used to and partly because she was surprised that Hank and Camille even thought to allow her to mingle amongst their friends. Camille later told her the reason she and her husband fought so hard to include her in the events held at their house was so that she could see for herself that not all homes were destructive and not all gatherings resulted in killer hangovers and potential overdoses.

But, that had all changed with Camille's death. The dinners and the parties had always been Camille's thing and Hank saw no need to even attempt to fill her shoes. Twenty-four year old Erin had resolved to attempt to recreate her most favorite party of them all—the Christmas party—but it just hadn't been the same and Hank had been arrested shortly before she was able to piece the event together. That had been the last attempt anyone had made at a gathering in the Voight's home until this Thanksgiving.

By no means was this Thanksgiving like anything Camille would have planned, but Erin noticed right away that Hank had at least tried to give the day some sort of semblance to what his late wife used to organize. Initially stunned by the fact Hank extended an invitation to both Will and Mouse, she had nearly passed out from shock when the three of them arrived at the house and saw that Hank had taken out some of the old Thanksgiving-themed decorations that sat and collected dust in the basement for the past eight years.

Acknowledging the effort her father-figure had made, Erin knew the older man was in no way shape or form prepared for the loud and boisterous house guests he had invited into his home. Following his release from prison and Justin's subsequent incarceration, it had become a conditioned habit for Hank to barely acknowledge the holidays, let alone participate in them. Typically, he would work every one that he could and, once Erin had been brought up into the unit, he requested that she work with him on holidays as well. The only attempt he made to observe the day was ordering Erin's choice of takeout for the two of them.

"But, he warmed up to having them there though," she continued. "We stayed there until about six-ish and then, after dropping Mouse off at the apartment, Jay and I headed to the Corson's for dessert."

"Corson's, Corson's," Kim mumbled, clearly trying to remember the connection between Jay and the family. "That's the uh family that uh…oh! That's the family who's son had been murdered by the guy everyone thought Jay had killed!"

Cringing at the memory of how close Jay had come to losing his badge, Erin nodded. "They're old family friends," she clarified, thinking back to all of the stories Gail had provided on her relationship with Jay's mother and what Jay was like as a kid. "And Jay dated Allie Corson all through high school and then on and off for a while after."

"Oh geez, was she there? Was that awkward?" Kim gasped.

Pursing her lips together in thought, Erin recalled how at first it had been awkward. Allie Corson was everything she was not: tall, blonde, blue-eyed, extremely successful, and, most importantly in her opinion, Jay's oldest confidant and friend. Allie had been there through it all with Jay—the good and the bad. She was his first everything: first friend, first kiss, first love, first time. She offered him support every time his father did everything he could to knock his son down and keep him there. She cheered him on at every one of his baseball games and happily stood by his side when his team won the state championship his junior year of high school. She went with him when he signed up for the Army. She wrote him letters of encouragement to keep him going when he was overseas. She sat by his side and consoled him when his mother passed. She was the one who always went out and picked him up at the bar when he was too wasted to even remember his own name, let alone how to get home. She was the one who he turned to for physical comfort and grounding when life got to be too much for him. She was the one who endorsed his decision to become a cop. And she was the one who had given him a family when he had all but been left without one.

To say she was intimidated to meet this girl was an understatement and initially she thought that meeting was going to be delayed until at least Christmas.

"Kind of," Erin cringed. "Neither of us knew she was coming."

Both she and Jay had been equally surprised to see the strawberry blonde jump out from around the corner and leap into Jay's unsuspecting arms. Luckily, Jay recovered just in time to catch her.

"She typically doesn't come home for Thanksgiving," she continued to explain. "Something to do with her work and unable to get time off. But, her parents used me to convince her to come to Chicago for the weekend."

"Used you?"

"Yeah, like my coming to the house to meet them," she shrugged. "Apart from Mouse, Allie is Jay's best friend and I guess she's been dying to finally meet me."

"That's not weird at all," Kim scoffed as she turned her car down the road her apartment building was on. At the time, Erin had thought so too but, after seeing Jay and Allie interact and witnessing for herself that they were now truly nothing more than each other's best friend, she understood where Allie was coming from. If it were her best friend engaged to someone she didn't know, she'd desperately want to meet them too.

"I liked her," Erin admitted. "She was really nice and I can see why Jay wanted to remain friends with her after they stopped dating."

Her feelings had been against all odds but were completely sincere nonetheless. Allie Corson was many things she was not, but the more Erin talked to her, the more the list that contrasted the two of them faded from her mind. By the end of the day, after Jay had to practically roll her off of the couch because she had eaten one too many pieces of Gail's pie (Jay had been right—it was the best pumpkin pie she had ever had), she was hugging the blonde goodbye and exchanging numbers so that they could stay in touch.

Erin liked to believe she was pretty good at reading people and in no way had Allie rubbed her wrong.

"Well, as long as she doesn't replace me as maid of honor, I will accept your new friendship with her," Kim joked, pulling up into her designated parking spot.

"Not a chance," Erin promised. "Though I'm almost considering asking her to be a bridesmaid. I think Jay would appreciate that."

"Really?"

Again, Erin shrugged. "I don't know, the thought came briefly to mind yesterday when I was texting her. I probably won't because I'm pretty sure I am going to ask Sylvie to be my fourth bridesmaid but, like I said, I don't know."

"It's your wedding, do what you want," Kim advised, leading Erin into her building.

It took almost no time at all for the two of them to get Kim's apartment ready. With everything that needed to be done completed and the food Kim had prepared heating up in the oven, Erin and Kim migrated to the couch, glasses and wine in hand, to wait for everyone else to arrive.

"So, what else is new with you?" Erin asked, swirling the dark red liquid around in her glass with just the right amount of precision so it wouldn't slosh over the sides.

Her friend took a long sip of her own drink before answering, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I get up, I go to work, and I go home. Occasionally, I drink at Molly's but that's it. My life has literally become so routine and I hate it. Like, I feel like I did almost four years ago when some complete stranger called me out in a diner for being so predictable."

"Having a routine life isn't a bad thing," Erin tried to console. Kim wasn't having it.

"Erin, I am almost thirty-one years old! I am too young to have a routine life. I should be mixing it up, doing fun and exciting things and not just eating, working, and sleeping."

"Don't forget drinking," Erin held her glass up and tilted it in Kim's direction.

"How could I forget that?" Kim gulped down the rest of her wine and reached for the bottle to fill her glass up again. "You know what I need?"

Erin shook her head despite having somewhat of an idea as to what Kim was going to say. Her suspicions were confirmed moments later when Kim said pointedly,

"I need a guy friend. Not a boyfriend, but a guy friend. Someone who is down to have fun and do date-like things but not actually expect an official, committed relationship."

"Kim," Erin sighed, gesturing for the bottle to be passed over to her so that she too could fill up her now empty glass. "Friends with benefits isn't at all what it's cracked up to be."

"I know, but I was engaged and then I wasn't. A-and as much as I am over Adam, I am not ready for a relationship that requires that level of commitment."

As tempted as she was to differ that her friend was not over Adam and that this conversation was most likely stemming from seeing him with someone else, Erin kept her mouth shut and listened as Kim continued to talk about why she would benefit from a no-strings-attached relationship.

Making sure to nod in the right places, Erin silently began to wonder how this had become her life. Out of the two of them, how was she the one who was in a solid, committed relationship and engaged to be married? How had she, the girl who suffered the biggest case of commitment-phobia around, managed to get to this place in life before her best friend, a big romantic at heart?

Holding back her disbelief from showing on her face, Erin internally thanked whoever sent her down this path as Kim's mini-rant was interrupted by a bunch of rapidly placed knocks on her door.

/

Shaking his head with a laugh, Jay placed his hand of cards down onto the table and excused himself to the bathroom. No one was paying attention to his words though—they were all too focused on Kim and Erin's thinly veiled attempts at cheating.

"You must have such a big heart to not want to club Jay all the time," Kim commented, her voice trying (and failing) to sound serious.

The last thing he heard before he exited Kim's joint dining room and living room area was Erin's responding with, "If he ever gets too out of hand, I go after him with a spade, not a club. Spades do more damage."

Chuckling to himself, he ducked into Kim's bathroom and embraced the coolness of the small space. The quarter-zip sweater he uncharacteristically threw on had not been a good call.

Splashing some water on his face in an attempt to bring down his body's rising temperature, he leaned back against the tiled walls and wondered how he ever thought celebrating "Friendsgiving" was a bad idea. So far, he had been more than enjoying himself and he had a feeling everyone else in attendance would say the same.

It was not out of the ordinary for them all to hang out after work—they were friends after all. But, never had the whole group of them gathered inside of someone's home for an evening of food, drinks, and evidently card games. The whole unit (minus Voight) plus Erin coming to Kim's home for just that breached a level of personal Jay knew he himself had been reluctant to surpass. Judging by the way everyone hemmed and hawed at her initial suggestion, he gathered that the feeling had been mutual.

"It's just one night," Erin reasoned on their way home that night from Molly's after the "Friendsgiving" plans had been made. "And we're all friends. How bad can it be?"

Luckily, it didn't seem like he was going to find out the answer to that question anytime soon.

Splashing water on his face on last time while internally cursing the high temperature Kim liked to keep her thermostat set at, Jay opened the bathroom door and walked straight into his partner.

"Shit, sorry Hails," he gasped, reaching his arm out to steady her before she fell backwards into the wall.

"You okay?" his partner asked, clutching onto his arm for balance.

Once her footing had been found and he was positive she was not going to topple over, Jay set his arm back against his side and answered her question. "Yeah, yeah I'm good. Just needed to cool down for a second."

Hailey nodded. "Me too."

"Are Erin and Kim still finding ways to cheat?" he inquired, curious to know what he was going to walk back into.

"Nah, they ran out of creative phrases shortly after you got up," Hailey informed before casually adding on, "They're funny. I didn't…I didn't know how close they are."

Eyeing her curiously, he stated, "Yeah, Kim and Erin are something else together. Kev, Adam, and I think they just woke up one day and decided to be inseparable best friends or something."

Again, Hailey nodded her head and casted her eyes down sideways at the floor. "All of you are so close," she mused quietly. "It's nice."

"We've been through a lot together," he acknowledged, wondering where Hailey was going with this conversation. "You sure you're alright?"

Looking back up at him, Hailey smiled wirily. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'm grateful that Kim invited me. Tonight's been great, it's been fun and everyone seems so happy…you seem happy."

"You say that as if I'm perpetually depressed," he joked with a halfhearted laugh.

"Woah, didn't know you knew such a big word," Hailey teased, shying away from the implied question that was begging to be answered: did she not think he was happy?

Happiness was a loaded word, he knew that and he knew that she knew that. It was near impossible for someone to be happy all of the time because life always seems to find a way to render the state of being to a fleeting moment. But, try as life might to make him feel otherwise, Jay liked to believe that recently he has been very happy—happier than he had been in a long time at least. And yes, he owed a lot of his happiness to Erin and, more recently, Mouse, but he was not about to deny the role he played in getting himself to this state as well.

Therapy, group meetings, working out, setting aside time in his week to spend time with Will: all of these were the little things he's made a point to devote himself to doing so that he was nowhere near the edge of the hole he fell down just under a year ago.

"Progress," was what his therapist always liked to say. "Progress."

"Well," he smirked, playing along with Hailey's digression. "I am secretly a genius."

"Yeah, okay Halstead," she sarcastically responded as she punched his arm. "Whatever you say." The laughter slowly filtered out of her voice. "You seem happy," she repeated, finally coming around to explaining what she meant by the phrase in the first place. "I don't think I've seen you this happy in all of the time that I've known you."

Jay pondered her words and realized very quickly that she was right.

The reside effects of his breakup with Erin and her vanishing without a word, his severe PTSD flareup, Camille, his father's death, Al's death, trying to rebuild his relationship with Erin despite the thousands of miles between them, the whole Bunny situation…Hailey has been by his side through all of the bad in his life; she never had the chance to know him when his life was going inherently good.

"I'm happy," he confirmed. "For the first time in a long time, I'm really happy."

Her smile turned warm, but he noticed that it didn't quite reach her eyes. "That's great Jay. You deserve to be happy."

"You do too Hailey," he stated, searching her face for any indication that she wasn't.

His partner rotated her head back in the direction of the living room where the loud, roaring sounds of Adam's voice and Kevin's laughter could be heard above all else. "My old unit was never like this, we never spent time together outside of work and if we did, we didn't dare ever go to someone's home," she recalled, her voice sounding farther away than it actually was. "I like that you guys are different."

"You guys are different," set off alarms in Jay's head and suddenly, he knew why his partner had escaped to the bathroom, why they were having this conversation away from everyone else.

From the get-go, Hailey Upton had been different. She was an accomplished cop who had been meritoriously promoted, which was more than any of them could say. Unlike Erin, she had no loyalty to Voight and had no problem standing up to him. Unlike Kim, she didn't know a single person in the unit. Unlike Adam and himself, she didn't follow her own moral code. Unlike Kevin, Antonio, and Al, she didn't have a family to go home to at the end of the day. She was a wild card, someone totally new, and he just now realized how much of an outcast that made her.

Of course, she took it all in stride and worked hard to prove herself as a capable detective and an even better partner. For all intents and purposes, she had been his best friend in the unit and had become on someone he knew that he could rely on without a doubt.

But then Erin came back and Mouse had followed shortly after. Two people who were no outcasts to the group and were both, for the most part, welcomed back with open arms. Two people who he had come to value above everyone else in his life and were the only ones who could genuinely say they knew him, Jay Ryan Halstead, in full.

Just as he was about to open his mouth and reminder her that she was included in the "you guys" grouping, Erin appeared at his side with flushed cheeks and a wide grin on her face.

"There you guys are!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arm around his waist. "Kevin just banned Kim and I from ever playing pitch again so we decided to forgo cards and bring out the dessert."

"You guys need to learn how to cheat better," Hailey pointed out.

"Or to not cheat at all," he chimed in as he gave his girl a playful squeeze.

"Cheating makes the game more fun," Erin shrugged. "Anyway, I just came to let you guys know that dessert is being served and if you want any you'd better hurry up because Adam has already declared he's going to eat the louke, louke—the donut things—all by himself."

"Loukoumades," Hailey corrected. "And don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't eat them all." She departed towards the space everyone was gathered in before any other words could be said.

"Everything alright babe?" Erin asked as she pressed herself into his side. "You've been gone for a while."

"All good," he confirmed, pressing a light kiss to her lips. "Just needed to cool down and was on my way back when I ran into Hailey."

"It is hot in here," Erin observed.

"Not as hot as you," Jay couldn't help but cheekily say. His words left them both cringing.

"Shut up," Erin half scoffed, half laughed. "Seriously, never do that again."

Clasping her hand into his own, Jay led them back to the rest of the group just in time to hear Hailey say, "Had I known Lindsay was making cookies I would have brought something else."

Jay peered over her shoulder and saw two plates of cookies on them set on the table. "Erin made cookies?" he inquired, staring inquisitively at the misshaped chocolate chip cookies.

"I didn't make them," Erin assured, taking a seat next to Kevin at the table. "Nicole did."

"That was nice of her," he commented, reaching down and grabbing one of each cookie. "Hailey, what are these?"

"They're koulourakias," she explained. "If anything, they're more like a pastry than a cookie…"

Tuning out the description of the other Greek dessert she brought, Jay popped the koulourakia into his mouth and sat back down next to Mouse.

"Going to need to hit the gym hard tomorrow," he lamented to his friend. "We ate so much this week." He patted his full stomach for emphasis. This was the first Thanksgiving where he had more than one place to go and he had not planned his food intake accordingly.

Thanksgiving with Voight had surprisingly been alright and the food, as Erin promised it would be, was even better. In between yelling at the TV while watching the football game and making awkward small talk with his boss, Jay had helped himself to seconds (and in some cases thirds) of almost everything Voight had made. By the time he and Erin showed up at the Corson's, he barely had any room left for Gail's pumpkin pie, which he ate two and half pieces of alongside a bowl of ice cream.

Just as his mind began to wander towards his memories of the evening with his own pseudo-family, he heard Hailey tentatively ask, "So Erin, have you heard any updates on whether or not you can come back to the unit?"

His head lurched in Erin's direction and saw the smile immediately drop from her face as she turned away from the conversation she was having with Kevin. His trained eyes noticed how her jaw was clamped so tightly shut it was twitching under the pressure and how her flushed face immediately whitened.

"Yeah Linds, now that we got Mouse back—" "Thank God!" Kevin called out over Adam's voice. "—You have to come back! We all know Voight's looking into it."

'As if that made any difference,' Jay thought. Erin's chance of returning to her former job had been blasted to smithereens on Thursday and he knew that, despite everything, she was more than upset about it. Erin loved her job, yes, but he knew a small part of her was really hoping that Voight would be able to pull off another one of his miracles for her.

"Uh, about that," Erin started, her tone a clear indicator that she was struggling to keep her voice even. She looked towards him and silently implored if what had been discussed between them and Hank on Thanksgiving should be divulged or not.

"It's up to you babe," he murmured, not wanting it to fall on him to catch everyone up to speed. His blood had already begun to pump furiously at the memory of what Voight had admitted to the both of them in his kitchen.

Observing one of the three pictures that hung on the fridge, Jay had just finished making a comment about how different Erin looked as a teenager with her purple streaked hair and dark and heavy eye makeup when his boss started to say, "Speaking of Erin…" Voight set down the bowl of mashed potatoes and turned to face Jay. "I have an update on her badge."

He felt his heart begin to beat rapidly. Of all the things he expected his boss to say, that was not it. The topic of Erin's lost badge had been out of sight and out of mind for a while now and he almost forgot about Voight's little quest to try and get it back to her.

"Brennan found out that I was looking into ways to get Erin reinstated," Voight continued. "And she came to me with a deal. Erin's badge for the whole unit's outspoken support for Kelton. She wants us going to press conferences, fundraisers, top brass functions, you name it, it's on her list. If we do that, she will give Erin her badge back and detail her to Intelligence, no questions asked."

Jay was floored. "Are you kidding me?" he spat, trying to keep his rising anger under control. "She wants us to support the very man who is determined to get rid of us? To parade us around like monkeys so the two of them get the election outcome they want?"

"For Erin's badge, yes," Voight responded, as if that made all the difference. Maybe if it was anyone else running for mayor it would have, but Jay wanted no part in supporting Superintendent Brian Kelton.

"Boss I—"

"—Don't even consider it," Erin's voice entered the kitchen just before her body did. Mouse came in right behind her. "I don't want it back if that is the cost."

"It's a high cost, yes, but Erin, think about what this could mean for you," Voight tried to reason.

"I don't care, it's not worth it. I'm surprised you're even considering it, you hate Kelton more than you hate politics," she snapped back, her face totally aghast at the idea of Voight mixing everyone up with the likes of the Superintendent and the dirtiness of Chicago's political scene.

"Yes I do," Voight agreed. "But, you could get your badge back and then we could all work on taking him down."

Erin shook her head and smiled sadly. "No Hank, not like that, it's too much of a gamble. I'm fine where I am, happy even, it's just not worth it. If I'm meant to get my badge back again, it will happen another way. But, not this way. I won't let you do that and I sure as hell won't let you force the team to go along with it."

"Are you sure?" Voight asked, sliding his eyes over to Jay, imploring him to get her to see reason. It was not lost on him that Voight thought Erin could be doing better, that she should be working as a detective and nothing else. Unfortunately for the older man, he was on his own with this argument. Jay knew that a small part of Erin would always want to be a detective and, like she said, maybe someday that will happen, but right now he had to respect her decisions and support her in whichever way she needed him to.

"One hundred and fifty percent," Erin confirmed resolutely. "Not like this Hank, don't stoop to their level for something like this."

Voight tilted his head up and down so quickly Jay nearly missed the action. "Come on," the older man gruffly said. "Food's going to get cold."

"Are you fucking kidding me," Adam growled, clenching his fork in his fist. Jay found the cop's palpable anger all too relatable despite it being a few days since he learned of what the Ivory Tower proposed. "That's fucked up. How could they ever think Voight would agree to that?"

"It sounded like he did," Hailey said, her words low and clear. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but Voight seemed more than okay with their stipulation if it meant Erin would be able to come back."

"He should have agreed!" Kim burst out. "And Erin, you should have accepted! Going along with what they wanted would have been just a small price to pay if it means you get to come back. And Sarge is right, just because publicly we'd be supporting Kelton, it doesn't mean we wouldn't be able to work on taking him down in-house."

"We'd be forever linked to the guy if that were to happen," Hailey countered. "And I'm sorry but that is not something I want following me around for the rest of my career. Do you all forget what he's done so far to us? He's gone after Jay's badge, is actively going after Adam's, had us toss out cases even though we had more than enough evidence for them to be held up in court, and has been tied to so many unsolved murders and different gangs throughout the city it's not even funny."

There was no denying that Hailey had a fair point.

It was impossible to not remember all that Kelton has done to them since he stepped into the spotlight that flashed upon Chicago's political scene. Just thinking about how the man was willing to let the devil himself, Matthew Garrett, roam free after getting off on a bogus charge was enough for Jay to see red. He would never forgive himself for never being able to fully put that case to rest, for never being able to give that poor mother closure over her daughter's murder.

And then the whole thing that had taken off with Adam and whatever he was jammed up in…Jay and everyone else would give anything to know the details of that investigation and why it was even going on in the first place. All they knew was that the drug-dealer who kidnapped Antonio's daughter in retaliation for Antonio not getting one of his guys off the hook was dead, Adam took responsibility, Antonio disappeared to rehab without a word immediately after, and Voight was beyond angry.

Erin's voice responding to Hailey prevented Jay from allowing himself to think too much on the situation.

"Which is why I told Hank to forget it," her raspy voice cut off Kevin, Adam, and Kim from saying the words their mouths had opened to say. "It's not worth it and I wouldn't dare dream of allowing Hank to put you and your careers at stake like that."

"But what about your career Erin?" Kim asked somberly.

Jay watched his fiancé shrug. This was a conversation he and her and he, her, and Mouse had exhausted both last night and early this morning and he could tell by the weary look on her face that she just wanted to be done talking about it.

"If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be," she reasoned. "Besides, I am more than happy where I am now. I love what I'm doing and I love the people I am doing it with. Do I wish I had a detective's salary, yes, but if money is the only unsatisfactory aspect of the job I do have, then I'd say I am doing alright for myself."

No one said anything more, but Jay could tell that they all wanted to. He understood where they were coming from, he really did—he wanted nothing more than for Erin to come back to the Unit, whether she'd be able to be his partner again or not—but the cost for her return was just too steep.

He offered her a sliver of a smile and prayed that his eyes conveyed just how proud she was for standing her ground and knowing her worth. She met his eyes, flashed a brief smile back at him, and then turned her head back towards Kevin, who decided a great way to follow up the discussion of Erin's career was to talk about what he and Adam had already planned for Jay's bachelor party.

"There better not be strippers," Erin warned, pointing her finger specifically at Adam, who feigned disbelief that she would call him out like that.

"I don't believe in having strippers at a bachelor party, they're too much of a cliché."

"Mhmm, why don't I believe you?" Erin asked with a laugh.

"Lindsay…" Adam mockingly placed his hands over his heart. "I'm wounded. You know I would never even dream of lying to you."

Laughter filled the room as the two friends continued to volley comments back and forth all while finishing the dessert on their plates.

/

The numerous glasses of wine she had consumed at Kim's did very little to prevent her from feeling the freezing cold air repeatedly prick her face's exposed skin. Using her gloved hands to pull her scarf up over her nose even further, Erin leaned closer into Jay's body in a vain attempt to defend herself against the frigid Chicago night.

"You should have stayed inside where it's warm," her fiancé told her for the third time since they ventured outside of their apartment. "I don't mind taking Bella out at night by myself." He wrapped his free arm tightly around her shoulders as a way to further shield herself from the weather.

"I w-wanted to c-come," she said simply, her teeth chattering. Her real reason was a little more complex than that, but he didn't need to know that.

Lately, finding time to spend with just Jay had been harder and harder to come by. With Mouse staying with them for an indefinite period of time and the unit always requesting that they join them for a night out at Molly's or, in this case, Kim's house, the only free time they really got together was in bed each night. But, these days that didn't mean much because if they weren't so exhausted from work, they were too afraid to do anything fun out of respect for their friend staying just across the hall. Truthfully, she was still a little more than mortified that Mouse had heard them that one time.

"Is it selfish of me to say that I'm glad you did?" Jay inquired, pressing his lips to the top of her beanie-covered head.

Maybe Jay was experiencing the same feelings as her, Erin couldn't help but think as she wrapped both of her arms around his waist.

"Tonight was fun," she murmured, turning so that her back was resting against him and her eyes were focused on their little dog that had stopped walking and was now vigorously sniffing around a small grassy patch that lined the sidewalk. "I'm glad we went."

She felt Jay rest his chin against her head and nod in agreement. "Yeah, maybe once we get a bigger place we can host nights like this."

"A bigger place?" she asked, her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. They were barely able to finalize their wedding plans and he was thinking about moving them?

"Yeah," Jay said casually, as if moving was no big deal. "You can't really tell me you want to stay in the apartment forever?"

"No," she slowly dragged out. "But I also don't think we need a bigger space so soon." When Jay didn't say anything, Erin decided to change the subject; just thinking about moving was enough to raise her stress levels. "What w-were you and Hailey talking about earlier? It s-seemed serious."

'Okay,' she thought. 'Maybe not the best conversation topic to transition to.' But, the question had been lingering on her mind since she saw them together outside of Kim's bathroom.

"I think…I think she's struggling with you and Mouse coming back," Jay spoke candidly. "And I don't know what to do about it."

Erin could sympathize with the blonde detective. Coming into a unit where everyone was already so close was hard; coming into a unit that constantly hung out with the very person she replaced and they all desperately wanted back was even harder. She would know; she had the exact same experience in New York.

Luckily for her though, she had to hit the ground running and there was barely any time for her to dwell on the fact that she was an outcast. Then, she left before she had the chance to further become one. Hailey wasn't so fortunate and had been submersed into hers and her family's drama from the moment she started to work with the team. It was hard to escape any feelings of loneliness and not belonging when every day on the job was a constant reminder.

"Just keep doing what you're d-doing babe," she encouraged. "She'll come around." Her response sounded like a cop-out answer but it was true. If anyone on her team in New York made the effort to include her, she knew her experience in the city would have had the potential to be a whole lot better than it was.

Jay nodded his chin against her head again. "Yeah, yeah you're right."

"When are you going to realize that I am always r-right?" she smirked against the soft fabric of her scarf that was wrapped around her mouth and covered up to her nose. Apparently, given how much they had been using the phrase lately, the rhetorical question had become their new thing. Erin felt Jay's laughter vibrate against her back.

Teeth still chattering from the cold, she turned around so that her cheek now rested against his chest instead of her back. "I think this was the best Thanksgiving I can remember having," she whispered.

"Yeah babe," Jay agreed. "I think this was one of my best ones too."

"Even though we spent most of the day at Hank's?" She looked up at him, a wide grin splitting across her face. He may not have been able to fully see her smile, but her eyes crinkled enough to relay the expression to him.

"I could say the same thing to you," he laughed. "You did have to spend the whole evening with my ex-girlfriend and her family."

"I liked her," Erin restated what she told Kim earlier that day. "I can see why you hold the Corson's in such high regard."

"Well, they loved you," Jay stated, tugging on Bella's leash to hurry her up. As high as his tolerance was for cold weather, she could tell that even he was ready to get out of the cold. "I think you may have replaced me as their favorite."

"What isn't there to love?" she giggled before calling out to Bella and gesturing that the dog come back over towards them.

"Well…" he smiled, kissing the top of her head once more.

Bringing her fists up, she punched them against his chest. "Hey!" she shouted.

Jay's barks of childish laughter filled the night as he began leading her and Bella back in the direction of their apartment.

"Seriously though, Thanksgiving at Voight's wasn't too bad, I'm glad we went," he announced as they rounded the corner and made their way down the street their apartment building was on.

A metaphorical warmth filled up inside of her at his words. She knew in the moment that Jay had been enjoying himself and that the feeling was relatively mutual for Hank as well, but it was nice to hear her speculations verbally confirmed all the same.

Ready to make a comment about spending Christmas with her pseudo-father, the words slipped from her mind at the sight of a tall, lanky figure hobbling their way.

"Hey!" Mouse called out, waving his arms above his head to get their attention. "Hey, Voight just called, we caught a case."

Both Erin and Jay groaned at the news. "Are you serious?" Jay asked, his tone filled with pleading for their friend to be wrong.

"Yep," Mouse gravely confirmed. "And I think you, me, and Upton are the only three sober enough to work tonight so we have to go in."

"Damnit," Jay growled, tilting his head back as he did. His agitation was coming off of him in fast and steady waves. The two of them had been really looking forward to having the night to themselves and to bask in a lazy Sunday the following morning.

'So much for those plans,' Erin thought as she accepted control over the leash Jay was transferring into her hands.

"Sorry guys," Mouse sheepishly said. He too knew how desperate the two of them were for a night in and a day all to themselves after the craziness that had followed them around recently. "But we-we gotta go Halstead."

"Yep, got it." Jay's voice was terse and his body tense.

Reaching down to pick up Bella, Erin balanced the dog on one arm and rested the other on Jay's upper bicep. "Be safe out there," she whispered, standing up on her toes and pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek. "I love you."

He wrapped her in a one-armed hug and rubbed a gloved hand over Bella's head. "Love you guys too," he replied, scratching Bella's ears. "I'll text you when I can."

Jay and Mouse took off towards Jay's truck after one last squeeze goodbye and request from her for them both to be safe.

"Looks like it's just you and me tonight girl," Erin sighed, setting Bella back down onto the ground. "What do you think? Should we watch a movie or some trashy reality TV?" Bella looked up at her with her big, round eyes and gave no indication that she was even paying attention to what her owner was saying. "Guess we'll figure it out when we get to bed."

As they completed the journey back to the apartment, Erin forced herself to squash down all feelings of jealously that she had been left behind. Since she came home, it had been easy to ignore that Jay was going off and 'saving the city' each and every day because, for the most part, she was leaving just the same as he did. It was very rare that she was awake when he got called in at night and, on the odd chance she did wake up, she had been too tired to really pay much attention to how she felt about him leaving.

But now…now she was awake, alert, and unable to ignore just how badly she wished that she was going with them. The irony of it all was that she didn't realize she felt this way until she found out that it was damn near impossible she'd ever get to race off to a crime scene again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review if you can...they really motivate me to keep this story going. Thank you :)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very minor trigger warning for this chapter.

The holiday season whisked by so quickly Jay barely had time to enjoy it. Case after case kept getting dropped on the team and before he knew it, five months had passed and the city had traded in a winter riddled with heavy snowstorms for a spring soaked with dreary rainfalls. He wasn’t even able to think back on all that had occurred in the days, weeks, and months that followed Thanksgiving. Everything had become such a blur to him and, more than anything, all he wanted was for his life to slow down so that he could catch a breath. 

Shortly after Christmas, which had been a fairly quiet affair, Mouse found a great deal on an apartment downtown and moved out just before the New Year. With Mouse gone, he and Erin had capitalized on the time alone together and really put forth a solid effort in finalizing a majority of their wedding. Both ceremony and reception locations, a caterer, and a DJ had been confirmed. Feeling as though his part in the matter was done—what more could a wedding need besides good food, lots of alcohol, and adequate entertainment?—Jay willingly took Erin’s suggestion that he take a step back and let her and Kim deal with the much finer details of the day. In reality though, even if he wanted to be more hands-on with the remaining plans that needed to be made, time was just not on his side. 

Leaving home early and coming home exceptionally late had become his life since the beginning of March. With the election just under a month and a half away and the Unit less likely to support Kelton than before, the upper brass has been making sure that the whole team was buried under piles of paperwork and strapped down with cases Jay personally believed were much better suited for the narcotics and homicide divisions. 

“Only in Chicago,” he found himself mumbling to himself on a multitude of occasions—usually after his eyes were burning from staring at his computer screen for so long and his hands were cramped from the amount of times he had to sign his name on whatever official documents had come his way. 

He loved his job, he really did, and he would never trade it in for anything. Being a detective had become synonymous with who he was and as mind-numbing and as time consuming as some of these cases were, he was grateful for the chance to serve his city. But, even the proudest of soldiers became weary every once in a while. And right now, that was what he was: weary. 

Except, he reminded himself with a quick glance down at the calendar on his desk, it wasn’t just the job that was making him feel such a way. 

Heaving a great sigh, he tossed his pen haphazardly at the ceramic, pen-filled jar in front of him and watched as the writing utensil missed its mark and rolled off to the side until his keyboard stopped it in its tracks. 

Today should be just an ordinary day. Only, it wasn’t; it was the exact opposite. He was just thankful everyone else (except maybe Kim) have also been too busy to recall what the day was and the significance it held. Thinking about the day was one thing, having to talk about it was totally another. 

Checking his phone to see if there were any new messages from Erin—there weren’t—he blew out another sigh and reached for the pen he previously threw. Clutching it tightly in his hands, he ignored the peculiar looks Hailey was once again shooting his way. His little routine of sighing, tossing his pen, checking his phone, and then picking up said pen to resume his work had been going on all day and she had tuned into the show maybe an hour or so ago. 

Ever the curious partner, he knew she was dying to know what was going on with him but, given her own amount of work that needed to be done, hadn’t found the opportune moment to ask. 

Just as he was about to turn his attention back onto the report he was proofreading one final time before turning it in, the screen on his phone lit up with a new message notification. Desperate to see if it was Erin, he dropped his pen and reached out greedily for the device. 

Another grave sigh blew out of him when he saw it was just a new message from his partner and not his fiancé. 

Is everything okay? You’re worrying me…

Shaking his head, he quickly typed back a response. I’m fine…just sick of all this paperwork. 

A half-truth was better than a falsified answer, he reasoned. She hadn’t been there when everything that made this day such a somber one took place and he did not have the energy to even begin to explain to her the first layer as to why. ‘There were so, so many layers,’ he sadly thought, his eyes flicking over to the empty desk that Mouse typically occupied. 

For some, inexplicable reason, Jay knew that his friend purposefully holed himself up in the tech room downstairs in remembrance of the day. 

April 11. 

The three year anniversary of Nadia’s death—no, murder. The day after Erin’s thirty-third birthday. 

Like the past three years, Erin’s birthday came and went relatively unnoticed. Jay wanted to be bothered by the lack of acknowledgment, but he knew that was just how Erin wanted it to be. Her birthday had been ruined for her and he knew she could not conceive celebrating a day that resulted in her best friend’s kidnapping and murder. 

No gifts were exchanged, no cards were given, and most importantly, no party had been organized. He supposed he should thankful the case they were all working on went so deep because none of them (once again, except for Kim) seemed to realize that Erin’s birthday came and went like a flicker of light. 

He had personally tried to make somewhat of an effort to make her feel loved and celebrated. Waking up earlier than his already early alarm, he sped across town to pick up her favorite donuts from Stephanie’s and a small, fresh bouquet of daisies to go with them. Before he left for work, he made sure they were displayed nicely on their kitchen table and that a pot of coffee was ready to go for when she woke up. Knowing what day it was, Voight let him leave at a somewhat reasonable hour, giving Jay just enough time to pick up Chinese food from her favorite restaurant and a six pack of her favorite IPA. Not expecting him to make it home in time for dinner, he arrived just as she was dialing up a place to get dinner for herself. 

“Thank you,” Erin had whispered, accepting the bag of food from his hands. No words of gratitude were ever exchanged, but the way her eyes lit up when she saw that he ordered them doubles of all of her favorites was more than enough for Jay. 

Another text from Hailey disrupted his thoughts. Clicking on it, he read: Are you sure? It seems like something more than that.

Glancing her way again, Jay could see Hailey straining herself to think of reasons for why he was so out of sorts. Thankful that she cared but annoyed that she wouldn’t let it go, he decided to somewhat appease her and provide just a tad bit more context than he had before. 

It’s the anniversary of a friend of mine’s death. Always a hard day to get through but I’m fine, seriously. 

I am so sorry, was her immediate response. 

Connecting his eyes with hers, he made sure that she saw him physically shake off her condolences; they were the last thing he wanted today. 

What he really wanted was to be able to go home, take a long, hot shower, and pick Erin up early from work so they could spend a little more time than they already had planned with Nadia before making their dinner plans. Unfortunately, Voight let him go home early yesterday so there was no way he’d get to head out early again today…no matter how worried the two of them were for Erin and her well-being. 

Erin, much like him, had recently been swept up in a whirlwind of work. Mary, her boss and director of the shelter, took an unexpected leave of absence to attend to a family matter and requested that Erin stand in her place while she was away. 

“I don’t know a single thing about running a shelter Jay,” Erin had fretted to him over the phone, completely frazzled by all of the new duties that fell into her lap. “There’s just so much that needs to be done and I don’t know how to do it!”

It had taken him awhile, but eventually he had managed to calm her down just enough so that she could hear him assure her of his utmost confidence in her abilities to do right by Mary and her place of work. 

All of her new responsibilities had been a blessing in disguise because they kept her so busy he was positive that she, like him, could barely keep track of what month it was, let alone day of the week. Jay had foolishly thought that maybe her birthday and the anniversary of Nadia’s death would merely pass by and be out of sight and out of mind like it seemed to be with everyone else. But, at the start of the week he noticed her becoming a recluse form of herself and knew that his wishes were not going to come true. 

Jay tried not to worry himself too much about her change in character. She got like this every year since it happened and truth be told, he’d probably be more concerned if she didn’t clam up and go dark on him. 

“Just let it pass,” Antonio had advised on the first anniversary. “If she doesn’t snap out of it by the end of next week, then maybe look into doing something more.” 

She had ‘snapped out of it’ well within his friend’s suggested time frame so Jay resolved each year to monitor her mood shift from the sidelines, fully prepared and equipped to step in if she slipped under and was unable to bring herself back up to the surface. So far, his assistance had not been needed and he hoped the same would be said of this year as well. Though, there was no reason that it wouldn’t be. 

For what feels like the first time in her life, Erin was in a really good place and he was confident in her abilities to not let her old demons get the best of her. 

Repeating the motions he had been going through all day—the sigh from his lips sounding more like a groan than a sigh—he bent over his desk and forced his whole mind to focus on the tasks in front of him. ‘Finish this and you can go,’ he chanted to himself. ‘Finish this and you can go.’

//

The sounds of shrieking laughter did very little to appease the headache she could feel coming on but Erin willed herself to not think about it. Sitting crisscross on the floor, she feigned disbelief that she had to send her game piece all the way back down to the beginning of the board. 

She was supposed to be working on the administrative duties that had fallen on her shoulders with Mary’s leave of absence, but given the day, she thought hanging out in the kids’ playroom seemed more appropriate. Currently, there were only two young children staying in the shelter, a pair of five and six year old brothers who were obsessed with playing Chutes and Ladders. 

The three of them were on their fourth game of the day while the boys’ mother went to go meet with a divorce lawyer. 

“Miss Erin you’re gonna lose,” Tyler giggled, his adorable, round blue eyes filled with glee. 

“Yeah, yeah you got sent all the way to the bottom!” Charlie shouted so loud that Erin had no choice but to remind him to use his inside voice. “Sorry,” the little boy meekly responded to her chastise. 

Her heart clenched at how quickly his playful demeanor changed. Not wanting to see such a cute little boy so sad and (selfishly) not wanting to be around any sadness today, she shoved the spinner his way and urged him to take his turn. “Come on buddy, all you need is a six and you win!” 

Charlie livened right up at the reminder and grabbed the spinner from her with his pudgy little hands. He pouted when he spun a four and handed off the device to his older brother, who was two spaces away from landing on the ladder that his game piece could climb to victory. 

“Yay!” Tyler screeched, clearly having forgotten what Erin had just said to his brother about using their “inside voices.” “I won! I won! Miss Erin, I won!” 

“Congratulations buddy,” she exclaimed, not having to try too hard to muster up a sincere grin. “Great job!” 

Unable to hold back her own laughter at the way the six year old jumped up and started to dance around the room in victory, she discretely pulled out her phone to take a video of him for his mom. When Anna Gardiner arrived the day before with her two adorable sons in each of her arms, like usual hardly any questions about their situation were asked. All that mattered was that they were seeking shelter from something and there was enough room for them to stay. Erin kept her bubbling thoughts and queries at bay as she took down the mandatory info needed and led them to their room. It was when she turned to leave that Anna confessed her fear that her boys would be “ruined” by what they saw and endured. 

Empathy in her eyes, Erin promised Anna that her two sons seemed resilient and would surely bounce back in no time. 

‘There would be no refuting video proof,’ she thought as she slipped her phone back into her pocket, ignoring the voice in her head that was telling her the video was just as much for her as it was for the boy’s mother. 

On the most evilest of days, who was she to deny that parts of the world were still innocent and unmarred by the horrors that surrounded them all?

April 11. 

The most evilest of days. 

Shuddering at the thought she had been trying to ignore since she woke up this morning, Erin turned her attention to the little boy who was pulling at her black sweater. “Miss Erin?” Charlie asked fearfully. Tyler was still dancing around the room excitedly, oblivious to his brother’s change in emotions. “Miss Erin you seem sad. Are you sad?”

Eyes stinging with unshed tears, Erin smiled down at the little boy in her care. “No buddy,” she lied. “I’m not sad, I just got lost in thought for a moment. Want to know what I was thinking about?” Charlie nodded eagerly, his little concerns replaced with a budding curiosity only a five year old could have. “I was thinking that maybe we could watch a movie! How does that sound?” 

“Yes, yes!” he shouted, bouncing up and down while clapping his hands. “Can I pick it out? Please?” 

“Of course you can buddy!” she beamed. “Movies are over there on that shelf.” As the little boy ran off in the direction she was pointing in, Erin allowed herself a moment to revel in the sadness she had been struggling to evade all week. 

Today marks three years since Nadia died. It seemed like both a lifetime and a week ago that they found the young girl naked and severely beaten body wrapped in tarp in a shallow ditch on some beach in New York. 

This year, Nadia’s death seemed exceptionally unfair. There was so much that the young girl was missing out on, so much that Erin needed her here for. Nadia shouldn’t be dead; she should be a successful cop who was going to be in her wedding and maybe had a boyfriend of her own. Nadia should be experiencing life and love and happiness—all of the things Erin was finally getting to experience freely—not buried six feet under with a slab of granite placed on top of her. 

To say that she was grateful for Jay’s willful ignorance of her birthday and today was an understatement. Celebrating the day she was born was never high up on her list of things she wanted to do and this year it hadn’t even made the list. It just seemed so…wrong…so incredibly wrong. 

“Miss Erin,” Charlie called out as he rushed towards her, movie in hand and toothy grin on his face. “Can we watch Simba? Please? I like the lions! They’re my favorite!” His never-ending excitement was a great distraction. 

“Yeah Miss Erin!” Tyler chimed in, apparently done with celebrating his Chutes and Ladders victory. “Can we watch the Lion King? It’s my favorite!” 

“Of course you can,” she agreed, a genuine smile on her face at their excitement over something as simple as watching a movie. She understood it though, when she was a kid she acted the same way because such an occasion was usually very rare. “Give me the disk and I’ll put it in for you guys.” 

Midway through watching Simba, Timon, and Pumba singing “Hakuna Matata,” Erin felt her phone vibrate against her leg in the pocket of her jeans. She wanted to ignore it, assuming that it was probably Jay or Hank checking in on her, but she knew she couldn’t. Ever since she stepped up into Mary’s role, she had been forced to take more work related phone calls than she ever had before. Sliding her phone out of her pocket, her eyes widened in shock when she saw the name of the person who was trying to contact her.

Fearing the worse, she checked to make sure that the boys were fully immersed in their movie before stepping out of the room and into the empty hallway. 

“Hey Antonio,” she greeted, trying to keep her voice even. ‘Please not Jay, please not Jay, please not Jay,’ she thought as she asked, “What’s up?” 

Silence was the immediate answer to her question, further increasing her already shredding nerves. ‘Today is the most evilest of days,’ a voice in the back of her head rang out in a shrill tone. 

“Antonio,” she prodded, hoping that the man who was more like her older brother than a friend would come to life and squash her fears. 

“Uh hey Erin,” the Puerto Rican finally shuddered out. “Are you, can you, are you free to talk?” Blowing out a breath of relief that he was calling about her schedule and not to tell her Jay had been shot and killed, Erin quickly told him that she was if he didn’t mind coming to the shelter.

“We can talk in my office,” she stated, leaning against the wall. “Is uh, is everything okay man? You sound…” She didn’t want to say what he sounded like because if she was wrong, she didn’t want to put the idea in his head. 

Antonio Dawson finished his stint in rehab at the turn of the New Year. Swearing he was better, that he wouldn’t succumb to drugs ever again because his children’s lives were far too important to him to even think about it, the detective had been allowed to return to work, no questions asked. Erin knew from Jay that everyone kept a rather unfair close eye on him, especially Hank, but it was moments like this one where she found she could never quite disagree with the short leash he was apparently on. 

Twice he had called her since he got back on the job, on the verge of something (relapsing, breaking down, losing his mind) and needing to be talked off the ledge. Whether he reached out to her because she was no longer on the team and was strictly just a friend instead of a co-worker or because he knew she had more than her share of personal experience in what he was dealing with, she wasn’t exactly sure. Who was she to judge his reasons anyway?

After Antonio gave a short, “Be there in fifteen,” the line between them was abruptly cut off. Banging the back of her head against the wall, she quickly shot a text off to one of the shelter’s volunteers to see if she’d be able to come to the playroom and watch the boys for her while she spoke with Antonio. Kiley, a junior who was studying social work at Northwestern, immediately responded that she’d be more than happy to play with the boys. Relieved that coverage had been secured, Erin quietly walked back into the room to let Charlie and Tyler know that she had something she needed to take care of and that they needed to be just as good for Kiley as they were for her.

“Bu-but Miss Erin,” Charlie whispered. “You’re going to miss the best part!” 

“Promise you’ll tell me all about it later?” She begged, sticking her pinky finger out for him to latch his own around. 

“Pinky promise,” he vowed. A loud yell on the screen captured his attention once more, thus relieving her from needing to say anything else. 

Kiley showed up less than five minutes later and by the time Erin made it back into her—Mary’s—office and sat down behind the old mahogany desk, Deb, a middle-aged woman who was basically a receptionist, was poking her head into the office to let her know that she had a visitor. 

“A man is here to see you,” Deb informed, her eyes peering over her purple-framed glasses. “He’s not your fiancé.” 

Compelling her eyes to not roll at the lewd insinuation the rather odd woman was making, Erin pasted a smile on her face and said, “Great, can you please let him in?” 

A grumbling Deb nodded and stalked out of sight. 

“Wow, look at you with your own office,” Antonio observed as he stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. “Proud of you girl.”

“Wish I could say it was really mine,” Erin smiled, getting up to pull him into a hug. Given how busy she had been at work and the unit had been with their case load, a significant amount of time had surpassed since she saw her friend, especially since he resigned from going out to bars with the team after a long day of work. “But I’m just keeping it warm until my boss gets back from dealing with some stuff.” 

“You behind a desk,” he whistled. “Not an image I ever thought I’d get to see.” 

“You and me both,” Erin chuckled, gesturing for him to take a seat in one of the worn leather chairs. Taking a seat in the other next to him, she softened her tone and asked, “What’s going on Tonio?” 

He tilted his head back and stared at growing stain on the ceiling caused by water damage from all of the rain they have been getting. 

“I fucked up Erin,” Antonio muttered, his eyes still stuck on the stain. “I fucked up and it’s the people around me who are paying for it.” 

Scrunching her eyebrows together in confusion, Erin looked for the tell-tale signs that he was using again. Not finding any, she gently asked him to further elaborate. It was then that he set his gaze on her. 

“They’re going after Ruzek,” he stated. Her mouth gaped in shock, the scattered, unmatchable pieces of the puzzle finally starting to make sense to her. Adam had been incredibly tight-lipped about why IAD was going after him and what really went down the day the guy who kidnapped Antonio’s daughter had been killed. So tight-lipped it was easy for all of them to forget that a case against him was even being built. “They’re going after Ruzek,” Antonio repeated, his voice hoarse and hollow. “For something I did.” 

“Antonio,” Erin sighed, unsure if she wanted to ask the question that was dancing on the tip of her tongue. According to Jay, Antonio wasn’t even there when the guy had been killed. But, he must have been if he was the one who killed the criminal.

“He raped my baby girl I couldn’t…” Antonio choked back a sob. “I had to do something and I lost control. You of all people should understand that.” 

On the most evilest of days, the day she was forced to think about Gregory William Yates and what he did to her friend Nadia Decotis, she did. 

“The thing was, I wasn’t clean so Voight told me to get lost. I don’t know the details of what happened after but I get out of rehab and find out Adam fucking Ruzek took responsibility for my actions. To save me.” 

As much as Erin appreciated the background information everyone had been itching to know for months now, she was unsure where this conversation was going. Something told her to not interrupt the visibly distraught friend in front of her. 

“I guess Voight was trying to make it all go away but a new group of people came by today because they were assigned to the case. They said new evidence came out that the blood on the victim did not match Ruzek’s. They know his story doesn’t line up. He’s going to be screwed and probably tossed in jail because of what I did.” Antonio looked straight at her with a look of pure anguish on his face. The look frightened her but she schooled her face into a neutral expression. 

“How am I supposed to live with myself knowing I most likely ruined Adam’s life?” 

His question hit a little too close to home. 

How many times had she asked herself that in the minutes, hours, days, months, and years that followed Nadia’s kidnapping and murder? How many times did that question drive her to the bottom of bottles containing both alcohol and pharmaceuticals? How many times did that question have her wondering if she deserved to live when it was because of her another couldn’t?

“Adam knew what he was doing,” she started with a slight cough that was meant to get the knot out of her throat. “He knew what the consequences of his actions could be.” Antonio didn’t seem to want to hear that. 

Slamming his palms down on the arm of his chair, he looked at her with wild, scared eyes and shouted, “Damn it Erin, I know that! I know all of that! But, knowing that doesn’t answer my question!” 

“Stop yelling,” she warned in a cool, steely voice. “You came to hear what I have to say so let me say it.” She waited until his expression was relatively tame before continuing. “He’s making this sacrifice for you so don’t waste it. Whatever is compelling him to do so, Adam made a choice to protect you. That’s who he is and who he will always be. Don’t let his efforts go in vain. Do the job he is allowing you to do, go home and be happy with your kids, and let this play out however it’s going to play out.”

“It’s not that easy,” Antonio fought back.

“I know it’s not easy,” she snapped. “You don’t need to tell me how hard it is. I know how hard it is, I know how much being in that position sucks. I have to live with those feelings every single day. But I do and you can to. And if you feel yourself slipping, you know where to find me.” 

Antonio stared at her with a hard expression; she matched it with one of her own that was equally hard. Eventually, his face relaxed and he looked at her with a softened gaze. 

“Thank you,” he said almost inaudibly. “I needed to hear that.” 

She curtly nodded, her facial expression still tense and unwavering. “You can’t slip up Tonio, you have too much to lose. Eva and Diego need you and you’re too good of a parent to be like the ones I grew up with.” 

Guilt flooded his face and he made sure he was looking anywhere but her when he said, “Every time I shut my eyes I see her getting stuffed into that car and I hear her screams and cries for help all the time.” 

Again, his words hit close to home. Maybe it was no longer every time she shut her eyes, but Nadia’s lifeless body still haunted her and Yates’s taunts still rang in her ears on particularly bad days. 

The ringing of his phone spared her from having to come up with a response. “Yeah, I’ll be right there,” Antonio informed whoever he was speaking to before ending the call. “That was Burgess, Voight needs me and her to go pick up a suspect. Thanks for uh, thanks for listening. I just really needed to vent to someone who’s not…who can look at the bigger picture and not just see me as a former drug addict.”

“They don’t think of you like that Antonio,” Erin tried to assure. “But you’re welcome. Any time you need to talk, day or night, I’m your girl.” 

He smiled brightly at her. “I know you are, you always have been and you always will be.” He held out his fist for her to bump. “Promise I won’t do the explosion thing.” 

Laughing, she shoved his fist to the side and punched him playfully in the arm. “Yeah, I am not falling for that ever again. Now, get out of here and get to work.” 

Heeding her words, Antonio made his way out of the office, stopping for a moment at the door. Hand on the handle, he turned around and, after maintaining a steady gaze, called out to her, “Nadia would be proud of you and the work you’re doing. I hope you know that.” He turned and walked out before she even fully processed what he said. 

Digesting her friend’s words, Erin knew, deep down, that he was right: Nadia would be proud of all of this. 

//

Kuma’s Corner was exceptionally busy for a Thursday night, it’s atmosphere just another reminder of the vibrant life Jay and Erin had come to both celebrate and mourn. 

“Hey y’all, my name is Katie and I’ll be taking care of you tonight,” a college-aged, pretty blonde waitress with a thick Southern drawl introduced herself seconds after the couple had taken their seats at a bar-top table in the corner of the room. “Can I start y’all off with anything to drink?” 

“A Shirley Temple please,” Erin ordered, her cheeks tinting pink at the childish beverage. She had no reason to be embarrassed; the order was tradition at this point. If Katie had any judgements to pass, Jay didn’t catch onto them as she turned her focus on him and tapped her long, manicured fingers against her notepad while waiting for his own drink order. 

“I’m good with water,” he said. “And uh, we’re actually all set for our meal orders as well.” Only pausing briefly to make sure the waitress was listening, he rattled off the same thing he and Erin always got when they came: two Black Sabbath burgers and a large order of BBQ Pork Fries—Nadia’s favorite. 

Quickly jotting everything down and letting them know that she’d be back shortly with their drinks, Katie scurried off, leaving the two of them alone at the corner bar-top table. 

“She would have been twenty-one this year,” Erin sighed, her gaze set on the packed bar. “Maybe I should have gotten a Dirty Shirley instead.” 

“Wouldn’t make the drink taste any less sweet,” Jay commented, his face scrunching up in remembrance all of the time Nadia used to make him have a sip of the only specialty drink she ever ordered. “I’d wager a good chunk of money that alcohol actually makes it taste worse.” 

Erin simply nodded, her gaze still stuck on the bar and her mind still stuck on what could have been. 

Jay, knowing there was nothing he could do to bring her back to the present, just sat there and got lost in his own thoughts. 

So far, the evening had been going just like it always had: they stopped by Nadia’s grave, replaced the dead flowers with two new bouquets, talked to Nadia’s gravestone while wishing with all of their might that she could hear what they were saying wherever she was, he returned to the truck to give Erin some space to have her own, personal conversation with her friend, and, once she got into the driver’s seat of the truck, they sped off to Nadia’s favorite spot for what the girl claimed to be “the best burger in all of Chicago.” 

The routine, though simple, was somewhat therapeutic and Jay knew that Nadia would more than appreciate the homages they made to her life. How many nights did the three of them wind up at Kuma’s for a few drinks (non-alcoholic in the eighteen year old’s case) and burgers? Too many for him to count, that’s for sure. 

A pang jolted his heart, some more specific nights spent at the burger joint coming to mind, and Jay struggled to ignore it. Yes, he was still grieving the loss of a life that had not even begun to really live three years later, but his grief couldn’t be the focus of tonight—it couldn’t be. Not when he could still vividly see Erin’s lifeless hazel eyes staring blankly back at him while her mouth spat out the wrong answer to his question. 

Are you done talking?

The words echoed in his head and he reflexively reached across the table and interlaced their fingers together; the physical touch was needed to reinforce what his eyes were seeing. Erin is here, Erin is safe, Erin is here, Erin is safe. Two statements that always were on loop this time of the year. 

He watched as his touch finally pulled her gaze away from the bar and back to him. Glancing down at their interwoven fingers, her lips slightly quirked upwards and she gave his hand a squeeze. 

“I’m good,” she promised, as if she had been able to read his mind. “I know I probably don’t seem like it, but I’m good.” 

“I know you are,” he said with a small smirk of his own. “And that’s good. But, if you’re not, that’s good too. Just as long as you talk to me about it.” There was an implied, ‘instead of drowning out your sorrows in booze and pills.’ 

Death had a funny way of always following them around, Jay realized. It seemed like just yesterday he was saying something near identical to her after delivering the news of Al’s death, after Lexi died, and after Justin died. When would it ever get bored and go torture someone else?

“This year feels different,” Erin whispered. “I don’t know what it is, but it feels different. Like…like we’re all finally moving on and she’s not. She’s just stuck there in that grave.” 

He didn’t quite know what to say to that. Luckily, Katie had come back, their drinks in hand, and saved him from having to piece some less than eloquent response together. 

“God, this is too sweet,” Erin recoiled after taking a sip of the red fizz drink she ordered. “How in the hell did Nadia like this crap?”

“Beats me,” Jay shrugged, quickly calling Katie back over to the table and requesting that she bring over a water for Erin.

“Thanks,” Erin said, grimacing as she continued drinking the Shirley Temple. “Definitely going to need that.” 

Waving off her gratitude, Jay struck up a simple conversation, knowing that simplicity was what they both needed right now. “So, how was your day? Did you finally tell Deb she needs new glasses?” 

Every day since Erin began working in Mary’s office, she had been sending him sneakily shot close-ups of the worker glaring contemptuously at whatever paperwork she needed to do that day. Each of the photos highlighted how ridiculous her bright purple, bulky glasses looked. 

The question did what it was intended to do: provoke a laugh out of Erin. 

“No,” she giggled, shaking her head. “But I think she thinks I am cheating on you with Antonio.” 

Jay’s eyebrows shot up. Antonio going to see Erin today was news to him. 

“He stopped by around two-ish,” she explained, clearly having seen the look of confusion on his face. “Needed to talk about some things.” 

Talk about some things could mean a whole lot of stuff…good and bad. 

“He doing alright?” Jay pushed all other questions he had about their meeting out of mind; first and foremost, he wanted to make sure that his friend was okay. 

The way Erin hesitated did very little to convince him that Antonio was good and it was just a friendly visit. “He’s fine,” she finally said. “He just needed to talk about some things.” 

‘Again,’ the voice in his mind called out. ‘Some things could mean a whole lot of stuff.’

“Alrighty,” Katie’s voice exclaimed as she placed the plate containing their appetizer on the table. “Here are the BBQ Pork Fries. Enjoy!” 

Erin’s hand shot straight towards the dish and scooped up a French Fry before the waitress even had time to turn around. 

“Mmm,” she moaned, all senses of propriety be damned. “These are so good.” 

“Nadia definitely had great taste,” Jay agreed, scooping a helping of the appetizer onto his plate. “A foodie for sure.” 

“I miss her Jay,” Erin rasped. “I miss her so much.” 

At the sight of his fiancé’s eyes welling up with tears, Jay forgot all about the topic of Antonio’s visit to Erin’s office and the plate of fries in front of him. 

“I know you do babe,” he said, his own voice thick with emotion. “I do too.” 

Erin took another sip of her Shirley Temple and turned the conversation back to Antonio and the reason for his visit. 

Jay got why she refused to speak any more about Nadia, he really did. Just thinking about Nadia brought out her emotions in full-force and he knew that Erin was very protective of her tough-girl image. So, he let it slide and allowed himself to ask all of the questions he had on why Antonio showed up at her place of work. ‘Besides,’ he reasoned to himself. ‘She always opens up when it was just the two of them in the confines of their home anyway.’

“He told me about Adam,” she divulged, opening up a space for a whole new set of questions to blossom. 

“What about Adam?” His words came out more forceful than he intended them to and he watched as she debated with herself whether or not it was okay for her to tell him what Antonio had told her. 

“What I am about to tell you, I am telling you as my fiancé,” she prefaced. “Not a detective.” 

Jay’s insides squirmed at her stipulation, but he found himself nodding his head anyway. 

“I mean it Jay,” she spoke seriously. “You can’t tell anyone.” 

“I swear I won’t,” he vowed, desperate to know what was going on. 

Taking a deep breath and another sip of her drink, Erin confessed, “That guy Ruzek claims he accidentally killed? Well, apparently he’s covering for Antonio.” 

Floored, Jay’s eyes widened as he rubbed his hand over his face. “Tonio was there? He killed…”

“Yep,” Erin nodded. “And that new team or whatever that was brought in to solve the case know that Adam’s blood doesn’t match the blood found on the victim. So, basically he’s screwed for lying and Antonio is freaking out about it. Did you guys seriously not know what was going on?”

He didn’t know. He had no fucking idea. 

“No I…I didn’t know that’s what the case against Adam is all about. I knew…I had a feeling it was something much bigger than we all realized when those detectives came today to speak to Ruz and I caught him and Hailey going at it in the roll-up over the case. Apparently, she’s just as in the dark as the rest of us are.” 

Seeing how scared his partner looked when he went down to tell them off for discussing such confidential matters loud enough that anyone within proximity of the garage could hear them was all Jay needed to know that Adam was in something way more complex than a simple officer-involved-death investigation. 

Hailey was an especially closed-off person. The more he got to know her, the more he realized he didn’t really know her at all. Partially his fault and partially hers, Jay had just come to accept that was how his partner was. Ever since their conversation at Kim’s “Friendsgiving,” he noticed her making more of an effort to let him in but it was all happening at a turtle’s pace. So, when shit started to go south with Adam, he just assumed she was keeping things close to the vest like she usually did. He never entertained the idea that she didn’t know as well and, judging by the look on Erin’s face, she didn’t either. 

“Adam didn’t tell her?” she gasped. “What a moron. He can’t take on the whole Ivory Tower by himself.” 

“He’s got Voight,” Jay defended his friend. “And you know better than anyone how good he is at getting out of tough situations.” 

“Hmm,” Erin hummed. “Maybe so, but even Voight can’t get rid of legitimate evidence that’s already been logged.” 

Her words did very little to reassure him that Adam was going to be okay. 

“Why would that idiot lie?” Jay groaned, pounding his fists lightly against the table. “And why would Antonio…” He couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud; saying them would make them true and he just didn’t want to believe they were. “Does no one learn anything around here?”

Erin shrugged and, once again, Katie’s arrival with their meals saved them both from having to carry the conversation any further. 

Their conversation remained minimal as they polished off their burgers and the remainder of their shared order of fries. Small talk was made about the most mundane of topics, such as the weather and who was taking Bella out for her nightly walk—a pointless matter to discuss because they both knew it was going to be Jay. Anything heavier than Erin feigning an interest in taking the dog for a walk around the block before bed was consciously ignored like it always was. Some of their best memories with Nadia was spent in this place and neither of them wanted to taint the sacredness that had befallen on Kuma’s with any kind of upsetting and stressful talk. The conversation about Antonio and Adam had been a rare exception. 

“Is it stupid that I am putting so much thought into who’s going to be my fourth bridesmaid?” Erin inquired after washing down the last of her burger with the glass of water he had tracked down for her. “The wedding is literally two months away! I mean, does it even matter who I chose?”

Wiping the dribble of ketchup that landed on the side of his mouth with his napkin, Jay looked over at Erin thoughtfully. “You don’t have to have four Erin,” he carefully stated. “It’s your wedding, you can have as many and as little as you want.” 

Out of all of their wedding planning, finding a fourth bridesmaid was stressing his girl out the most and it killed him that there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Solid friendships had been incredibly hard for Erin to come by and a good portion of her closest friends were going to be standing next to him at the altar. 

The last time they had had this conversation, she was bouncing back and forth between asking Natalie and Ally, two woman who he knew she was considering mainly because of their relationships with his brother and himself. Personally, he’d be fine with either choice but there was a miniscule part of him that hoped she asked Natalie instead because he still could not get over his own weirdness at the thought of an ex-girlfriend, especially one with whom he had such a serious relationship with, in his wedding party.

“Won’t it look stupid?” Erin’s voice sounded uncharacteristically meek, a sure sign that she was ready to begin their journey back home and curl up under the covers with him like they did every year on this day. 

“Who cares?” he said passionately. “It’s your wedding party it can look however you want it to look.” 

Erin glanced around the restaurant and once again settled her gaze on the bar. “I have to have four,” she mumbled. “If I don’t have four, then the significance of a spot being left for N-Nadia won’t mean as much.” Mixed in with the loud, classic rock music that was blaring through the speakers, Jay picked up on a small, choked back sob that escaped Erin’s mouth. 

‘Yep,’ he thought. ‘It was time for them to go.’ 

Wasting no time, he flagged down their waitress and handed her his credit card without even glancing at the bill, not caring if she was overcharging them for their meal. He just wanted to get them out of Kuma’s before Erin lost it completely. 

Katie seemed to have sensed his need for her to hurry up because no sooner had she taken his card, she was returning it and thanking them for stopping by. Leaving her a rather generous tip, Jay hastily signed his name at the bottom of the receipt and shoved it back towards her with a rushed “Thank you.” 

“Y’all have a great night!” Katie’s perky voice called out after them as they walked out of the restaurant, floundering to put their coats on as they did. 

//

Back resting against the back of their couch and knees curled into her chest, Erin sniffled back tears as her eyes rotated from the three pictures of Nadia she had found on the shelves underneath the TV months earlier before she had even officially come back home. After all this time, Jay and her still hadn’t found the confidence to move them to a much more visible space. 

“I’m so sorry Nads,” she whispered into the air. “I miss you.” Two sentiments that had been repeated multiple times in the cemetery but could never be stated enough. 

The overwhelming silence that was her response was interrupted by the loud ding! notification coming from her phone. Reaching forward to retrieve the device off of the coffee table, she saw a new, unread message from Hank flashing across the screen. 

How you holding up kid? Her father-figure asked. 

Fine, was all she had the heart to type out. 

Need me to come over? 

Erin stared at his words, trying not to feel like a child. After all this time, did he still not trust her to stay clean? To be able to get through this day without endangering herself? And, God forbid she was worse than ‘fine’, did he not trust Jay to have her back should she need backup?

Not wanting to answer at all but knowing the older man would most likely barge through their apartment door if she didn’t, Erin managed to text back, No need. I’m good. Going to bed soon anyway.

She shut off her phone the moment the message went through. She was more than ready for this day to be over and to wake up tomorrow morning refreshed and not having to endure this aching pain for another 365 days. 

Just as she got up off of the floor, Jay and Bella returned. “Go find Erin,” she heard Jay’s voice urge the dog. “Go find her!” Seconds later, Bella barreled into her legs and started jumping up and down with little yips. 

“Hi baby,” she cooed, bending down to pick up her dog and cuddle her against her chest. “Did you have a nice walk?” 

“She did,” Jay answered as he came into view. “Peed, pooped, and even tried to climb up a tree after a squirrel.”

Despite her melancholic mood, Erin couldn’t help but laugh at the dog’s antics. “Did the squirrel get away again?” she asked playfully, bopping Bella’s cold, wet nose. The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel licked her face viciously in response. 

“Maybe next time,” she encouraged the dog, setting her back down on the floor and watching her scurry off towards her bed in their bedroom. 

“Uh, I was going to stay up and watch TV for a bit if you wanted to join me?” Jay offered, gesturing towards the couch and TV. 

Glancing from him to the TV warily, she debated if his suggestion was something she really wanted to do. Falling asleep and forgetting about the day sounded so appealing, but then again, lately it had been near impossible to spend a night with just Jay. Back when she was on the job, she never gave any real thought to the time they spent as a couple away from work because, with him as her partner, they were always together. 

“What are you thinking of watching?” she tentatively asked, still weighing both options in her head. 

“Whatever you want,” he said, his tone light and hopeful. “I think the Cubs are on.”

“You hate the Cubs,” she pointed out. His hatred for the Cubs and her hatred for the White Sox were one of the only things they consistently argued about and will always argue about in their relationship. 

“True,” he nodded. “But who said anything about rooting for them?” The teasing smirk on his face made it impossible for her to say no. 

“Nadia was a Cubs fan,” she mentioned as the Cubs vacated the field and got ready to go on offense. Legs laying over his, which were resting on top of the coffee table, she further relaxed against his body and mewled softly at the feeling of his fingers running through her hair before continuing. “Hated the Sox almost as much as I do.” 

Jay chuckled above her. “That’s just because you got to her before I did.” 

“Nah,” she countered. “She was a fan long before she met me. I guess her dad used to take her to games all the time when she was younger.”

On the TV, the Pirates pitcher wound up and threw a strike. “Fuck, he should have swung at that,” Erin groaned, not giving Jay the chance to respond to her antidote about Nadia. “That was the perfect pitch.” 

“He wouldn’t be able to hit a watermelon if someone threw it his way,” Jay hollowly joked. Erin looked up and was surprised to see a small frown on his face and his eyes, which were trained on the TV, glazed over. Thinking over what she might have said or done that prompted such a change in his mood, she could have kicked herself for bringing up Nadia and the only positive memories she had shared about her dad. Much like her deceased friend, Jay’s most prized memories of his father were when the two of them went to White Sox games together. 

Not wanting to ask if he was okay—she knew deep down he wasn’t—Erin squeezed his hand that was resting on top of her thigh.

The Cubs managed to score a run to make the game 2-0 before either of them said anything else and it was surprisingly Jay who broke the silence. 

“I miss her,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “Three years later and I still really fucking miss her.” 

“Me too,” she confessed, an unmistakable crack in her voice as well. “So much. Does it…does it ever get easier?” It was selfish of her to ask such a question of him, but she wanted—no needed—to know. 

Loss was common in her life, and in her experience, she supposed she could answer her own question. Yes, she still missed Camille and Justin and Lexi and Al, but in a way she had come to peace with their passing; she could accept their deaths. She couldn’t accept Nadia’s, couldn’t accept that her friend was gone because she hadn’t been able to figure out what Yates was up to and where he was quick enough. 

“Sometimes,” Jay honestly responded. “There will always be good days and bad days but…but in my experience, the good days eventually outweigh the bad.” 

“Today was a bad day,” Erin admitted, the tears she struggled to hold back all day finally getting the best of her. She felt Jay tighten his arms around her and press his cheek against the top of her head. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Today was a bad day. But who’s to say tomorrow won’t be better?”


End file.
